"All women are wonders because they reduce all men to the obvious." Leonard Eels- Out of the Past

Chapter 7- Dreaming

Her hands are secured to the headboard, the silken bindings ripped from the garment she had been wearing so shortly before. I have a hold of that glossy auburn hair, talons gently caressing the soft skin of her back, the motion eliciting a shiver from her. Then, ever so slowly, I enter her for the first time, reveling in the softness and the never ending heat. It feels like home, the sound of her calling my name the most erotic thing I've ever heard. I lean forward, possessively nipping her shoulder as I move within her, enjoying the control as much as the feel of her clenching around me with so much need. She begins to moan with abandon, working against her bonds in an attempt to move with me, and looks over her shoulder to meet my eyes. The lust and want there send me over the edge…

I woke to the sound of my own moans…

For a moment, I forgot where I was; my mind still trapped within the boundaries of the dream I had just left. Where the hell had that come from? It had to be stress, or the attentions of a certain female turian who didn't want to take no for an answer. Her advances were becoming harder to ignore, Sidonis's sly looks easier to tolerate.

But I had never thought of Shepard that way before. I knew I should feel ashamed, but… I also knew it was a damn good thing I hadn't had dreams like that when Teandra was alive. Our flirtatious banter might have had more meaning than we intended if I had.

It had been eighteen earth months since Anderson had invaded my home with news of her death. Eighteen months of rerouting shipments, taking down mercenary groups, and generally disrupting any operation that involved the Eclipse, Blue Suns, or Blood Pack. Our team had come together seamlessly with the addition of Jintah and the Brash Brothers. Missions went off without a hitch most days, my informant network was coming together, even Aria enjoying us taking down her competition. The vigilante life, as it stood, was about as good as it could get.

But Jintah was making things difficult for me. On some level, I was flattered by her attentions. What blue-blooded turian male wouldn't be flattered by a gorgeous woman practically throwing herself at him? But I really wasn't interested, a fact which Sidonis gave me no end of grief for.

"Okay, Garrus, are you ever going to let yourself live a little?" Sidonis cornered me, yet another datapad in my hands. I really am starting to look like Shepard now, always working some mission prep.

"What the hell are you talking about, Jantar?"

"Jintah's sulking in the corner again. What did you say to her?"

Sighing heavily, I respond, "Why do you listen to her drivel? She's only using you to try to manipulate me. And I told her 'No' just like I have since day one."

"Why, Garrus? The Spectre? She's dead, and never laid claim on you. You don't owe her anything more than what you've already given her." There is pain in his voice, a pleading attempt for me to understand his need for both of us to move on.

I turn on him, eyes afire but temper in check,"Have you really forgotten Mishta so easily?" I already know the answer he will give, but want him to connect it to my own feelings.

"It's been over a year, Garrus. How long will you mourn for the 'what ifs'?"

"Maybe forever... as long as my little Spectre keeps hold of my soul, it would be wrong to try to replace her."

I made my way to the dining area, lost in my own thoughts, mindlessly searching for something to occupy my hands and head. The cold storage held the last batch of some kilaka fruit, and I gratefully munched on the old favorite, taking a seat at the table bench.

Soft clacking warned me of her approach.

"Late night, Archangel?"

"Couldn't sleep," short, but not rude. That was the idea.

"I could help with that, you know. I heard you talking in your sleep…"

I groaned, mandibles twitching as I favored her with a disgusted look. "You never give up, do you?"

She grinned, "Never. Persistence is a virtue, after all." She sat at the bench across from me, positioning herself to show off her best features. "Besides, if I know anything, it's the cues men give off when they're interested. And for all your words, your body language says otherwise. It's only a matter of time." Something about her smug tone pissed me off.

"What are you talking about? I've never given you one indication…"

"Bullshit, Archangel. Need me to spell it out for you? One, you blink more rapidly when I speak to you. Two, you stand straighter. And three, your voice drops an octave. All classic signs of turian physical interest. So lie to yourself all you want. I'm a patient woman."

Completely exasperated, I said, "Jintah, you're misreading me. Yes, you're an attractive specimen of the species. But the things you're noticing are because your personality remind me of someone else. You need to understand that."

She reached across the table, stroking one decorated talon across my cheek, lightly scratching at the mandibles. Aroused as I already was from the dream, the touch pulled a growl from deep in my throat before I could stop it. I reached up to touch her hand, allowing myself this brief moment of weakness. She took that as permission to continue, pulling herself onto the table to look me face to face.

"I can help with this sadness, Archangel. Let me…" She moved forward, talons reaching to trace my fringe as her green eyes shine…

Wait, Teandra's eyes are blue… the cerulean shade of Palavan's oceans. What the hell am I doing?

I fell back, pulling away in a display of complete and utter awkwardness that left me on the floor, but out of the siren's grasp.

Getting to my feet, angry at myself as much as her, I spoke through clenched teeth. "Leave me alone, do you understand? Do your damn job, and that's it, or you're off my team." I moved away quickly and without looking back, but no amount of space could keep me from feeling the look of hate and disappointment that bored between my shoulder plates.

I wished I could explain, assuage Jintah's hurt feelings, but even I didn't know why I couldn't get Teandra out of my brain. It had never been like this when she was alive. We had been friends, comrades in arms. We had depended on each other emotionally as well as on the battlefield. In essence, we had been lovers in all but the most animal sense. She had turned to Alenko for that, and I had never begrudged him her decision. But if things had been different, if I hadn't been such a coward to stay content in my role, would that have been enough to make a difference when it counted? Would it have been enough to keep from losing her?

I was trying to fix things here on Omega in order to honor her memory. But I was also drowning in parts of it that never would have come to light if she were still alive. It was time to turn off the emotional aspect, to realize she was dead no matter what my soul believed. I had a group of warriors that was depending on me, that believed in me, and I would be their Commander. That was my place now. I only hope Teandra would forgive me for forsaking her lessons in compassion. My heart had no room for them anymore.