April 11, 2187
Going into town to distract myself from the fact that it's your birthday was a good idea, in theory. In practice, I'm not so sure. I'm still a bit overwhelmed.
The town was filled with people celebrating, Shepard. There were decorations up all over the town square, despite the snow from a few days ago. They waved in the wind, and a few had fallen down into the slush, but it didn't matter. Blue ribbons were everywhere (for the Alliance, I think, maybe the Normandy?), the N7 logo, pictures of you.
They had a band. They had clowns. Clowns! The square was packed, people smiling and laughing and carrying blue streamers. It was like a party. A birthday party.
The reeve stood up on a podium and said a few words about Shepard being humanity's saviorand how this was just one of a multitude of celebrations happening around the world. They fired up a vid screen and showed New York. London. L.A. Toronto. Moscow. God, I had a lump in my throat the size of the Rockies. Then someone spotted me in the crowd and they dragged me up on stage, because I'd known you. They shoved me in front of the mic and I just stared at them.
I hate making speeches, did I ever tell you that? I never pick the right words, I never get the tone right. I'm too hesitant, too worried that I'll say the wrong thing. But as I looked at all the faces of the townsfolk staring at me, it struck me that they just wanted to be a bit closer to the legend, and I could do that, couldn't I?
So I told them about the woman I loved. I told them how you weren't some automaton programmed to do what you did. You were a woman who found herself faced with impossible odds and what made you special, what made you great, was your refusal to back down before them. You never gave up, Shepard. Even when we saw Earth burning, surrounded by Reapers, you never gave up. We knew the odds, we knew the magnitude, better than anyone, and if anyone could be forgiven for cracking, it was you. But you didn't.
It cost you, I know it did—I saw it in your eyes when we left Anderson standing in the harbour, I saw it that night before the Illusive Man's base. You felt every loss as though you'd ordered those soldiers to their deaths yourself.
I don't think the people listening to me expected that. I think they'd expected to hear about your bravery, maybe a story about your heroism, but anyone could tell them that, right? In the years to come, after I'm gone, after everyone who knew you is nothing but a memory, those stories will live on and grow and become greater with every telling, but few will remember that Commander Shepard was, at the end of every day, a woman, a human being, just like them.
It's important that they know that. You were the best of us, but you were still one of us.
April 12, 2187
Hillary showed up at my doorstep after I left the celebrations yesterday. She brought a bottle of wine. Nice of her. We sat on the deck for awhile, drinking and listening to the woods, talking a bit. She said her fiancé's birthday after he was gone was tough to get through. She gets it.
The party in town helped a little, but it hurt, too. I never got to celebrate your birthday with you, Shepard. Another regret to add to the pile, right? With our luck, any birthday celebrations would have been interrupted by Joker with a Council message or some urgent need to run somewhere to intercept something. The story of us, right?
Right.
April 13, 2187
I've been debating writing this. I put my hands on the keyboard I don't know how many times, then found something else to go do. I intended to write this in the last entry, but didn't.
No, Kaidan, you are not going to run off again. You are going to write this, damn it. You are going to grow a pair and…
I slept with Hillary.
You know me. You know I'm not one for casual sex. You know my thoughts on it, that it's a connection that should mean something to both people. This wasn't that, though; neither she nor I have any illusions about it. It was physical only. I don't have feelings for her beyond gratitude for just being there. We both needed it. We both needed to not be in our own heads for a little bit.
I hope you can understand that. I think you can. This is what you probably felt with Taylor, wasn't it?
God, that makes it sound like this was some sort of revenge thing and it wasn't. It wasn't, damn it. I just needed to feel something other than sadness or anger. That's what I've been for the last six months, you know? I needed to know if I'm capable of anything else, anymore.
I think I am. Maybe. In time?
I don't have to justify this. I'm not going to.
I'm heading back to Vancouver tomorrow. Got word that my request to return to active duty was granted.