I forget the next few years. Well, I wish I did. I remember them all too well, like a bad dream. I moved out of home. Mom and dad said I didn't have to, since my college was just in the City, but I couldn't live there any more. The place was full of bad memories.
Bad memories, in Toriel and Asgore's home. Bad memories, of Az. It was too horrible a thing to imagine.
I studied hard at college. I didn't make any friends. I didn't want any friends. I stayed in touch with everyone from high-school on the Undernet, but only the bare minimum. I changed my status so rarely that people would message me asking if everything was alright.
Yes, I'd write back. Everything was alright.
After a while most of them stopped asking.
I still went on the Undernet to see what Az was doing. He'd made friends. He was in the college swim team. He was tagged over and over again in people's photos. I stopped looking at them. It just hurt too much to see him smiling with other people.
But I still checked his status.
'Single' it read, every time I checked it. And as soon as I saw that word, my crumbling heart would slip back together and I'd survive another day.
Holidays and Christmas… we both returned home to celebrate them. It was a long trip for Az, but he never missed a holiday. I acted as pleasantly as I could, but I was faking it, of course. I was always happy when the holidays were over, except for one thing. The nightmares. As soon as Az was gone again, they'd reappear. Just like when were kids, having him around kept them at bay.
Then one evening I got a text. It'd been so long since anyone had sent me one that at first I didn't recognise the chime of the notification. My surprise doubled when I saw the text was from Az. He usually only messaged me on my birthday or just before the holidays. It was the middle of term.
Back in the City on the 4th. Want to meet up for dinner?
My thumbs trembled as I typed my reply. Just the two of us?
Just us and a friend I want you to meet.
I dropped the phone like it had turned into a poisonous spider. Just us and a friend. A friend. A lovely friend. How nice. How nice!
I slumped onto the bed. I pushed my face into my pillow and lay there, waiting for tears that never came.
Strange. My heart was beating fast and my chest ached but I didn't feel anything. I knew why. I'd been expecting that message for years, now. I'd known it would come one day. I'd been afraid of it so long that the fear, like my tears, had all drained away.
No, that wasn't it. I knew what it was. Relief. If his 'friend' was someone I knew he would have told me straight out. It wasn't Allie or Patience. It was someone I didn't know. Maybe… maybe it was alright. Maybe she was nice.
I snatched the phone back up off the floor. I knew Az was waiting for my reply.
Sounds good, I messaged back. Where should we go?
I should have said I was busy. But I owed him. I felt guilty. And I had to see what she was like. I had to, or else I'd go crazy. I had to prove to myself I could face the truth. Maybe the nightmares would stop, then. Maybe I could move on.
He sent me the address of the restaurant.
I had to dig up my old make-up. I'd stopped wearing it a while back. My hair looked ratty and needed a cut, but I didn't go get one since they'd know straight away. It would be weird.
I stared in the mirror. Had my hair really got that long? I looked like a stranger. I grabbed a handful and pulled it back behind my neck. Wait, there she was. The little girl who fell down that hole on Mt. Ebott long ago. The weird complexion, the narrow, squinty eyes, the little snub nose, the page-boy hair.
How had he ever fallen in love with me? Maybe it had all been a dream.
I got to the restaurant late. Maybe I was still thinking about standing them up. It was an expensive restaurant, a French one. I guess she must have picked it, since it didn't seem like Az's style at all. I went to the maitre d' and said I was meeting friends there. He led me in.
Like my make-up, I'd had to dig up a dress to wear. Luckily it still fit, even though I was a few pounds heavier, and in the end I didn't look too bad. But now, as I walked among the tables following the maitre d', I felt awkward. My hips seemed to get in the way of everything.
A waiter was pouring wine at a table. Az was sitting there, watching him do it. He was alone. When he saw me, his face lit up. He got out of his chair.
"Frisk!"
I surprised myself. I didn't tremble, I didn't faint and I didn't say anything stupid. I did, however, stand there staring like an idiot.
Az had grown taller since I'd last seen him, if that was possible. He'd lost the long-limbed lankiness he'd had as a teenager and had filled out, his suit covering what was obviously a pretty cut body – I knew from his status updates that he hit the gym pretty hard. His horns were longer, curling right back like dad's, but somehow not exactly like dad's. There was still a lot of mom in his face – her gentle smile and wide violet eyes.
God. I'd forgotten how handsome he was.
He came round the table and hugged me. "Oh sis," he murmured into my hair. "It's been too long."
"It has," I said. I held him to me, his warmth passing through his dress-shirt and into my body. I smelled his scent and in an instant I was a kid again, a teenager again. I was on top of him, tickling him until he bleated. I was walking out of a lake with him, my arm in his, I was lying on the sand, my head in his lap, I was kissing him under the stars, I was holding him to me as he gasped out his pleasure and filled me to overflowing, I was...
I didn't ever want to let go.
He let go first. A sheepish smile had appeared on his face.
"Hey Frisk, I'd like you meet Grace."
I turned and blinked. A human woman was standing there, wearing a green maxi dress. She was tall, almost as tall as Az was, her hair auburn with more than a hint of red, her skin pale, both the hand she was holding out to me and her smiling oval face with its doll-like beauty.
Beauty. She was a beauty. There was no other word for it. Grace. Even her name was beautiful. And yet…
...and yet I couldn't shake the fact she looked a little like me. Was it the snub nose, the cast of her eyes, her lips? She even had the same eye colour as me, although her eyes were huge compared to mine.
Yes. She looked like me, except that she was beautiful.
"You must be Frisk," she said. Her voice was warm with a touch of huskiness. She smiled brilliantly and her cheeks dimpled.
"P-pleased to meet you," I said, taking her hand.
Her grip was strong, easily as strong as a man's. She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. I kissed her back. She smelled sweet and rich, like chocolate.
Az's smile was nervous. I knew he'd been watching my face the whole time, to see how I'd react. How had I reacted? I didn't really feel anything. The lack of feeling scared me.
But it all came roaring back when I saw Az pull Grace's chair out for her. Blood rushed to my head and the floor shifted beneath my feet. I sat down, grabbed hold of the chair and stared at the table set before me, hoping the feeling would soon pass.
Her chair. Of course he'd pull it out for her. She was his girlfriend.
His girlfriend.
My stomach rebelled. I gripped the chair beneath me harder.
Look up, you fool, look back up!
I looked back up. Az and Grace were smiling at me. I smiled back. I hoped they'd read my awkwardness as shyness and not some strange psychosis.
The fear of humiliation, of being humiliated in front of her and Az pulled me back together. I smiled until the corners of my mouth hurt.
Az poured me some wine. I took it gratefully. I didn't usually drink, but I needed to hold something in my hands. I was worried they might start shaking again. After a few sips I felt better. The waiter appeared and we ordered. The pressure of deciding what to eat pushed my other fears away for a few minutes.
Az ordered escargot for his entree. I chuckled at his choice. It was an easy way to try and be cheerful.
"Az could never get me to like them," I said.
"I love them," said Grace. "But they are a bit of an acquired taste, aren't they?"
Again that sweet smile dimpled her cheeks. My heart filled with a hate that scared me. She'd said nothing bad, but…
"So how have things been?" asked Az. I was sure he'd seen the look on my face.
I took a sip of wine to stall for time. What the hell was I going to say? That I woke up, went to college, bought groceries, came home, ate dinner, went to bed, woke up and went to college and so on? My life seemed utterly pointless all of a sudden.
Instead, I just coughed and threw myself into talking about what I was doing in college. Grace smiled politely and asked me all kinds of questions. Az watched, smiling, but his eyes betrayed his nervousness. After a while they softened.
The entrees came. I'd ordered the terrine. As we ate, Grace explained to me how she and Az had met. She was an intern at the local hospital, but was working part time in a flower shop as well. Az used to pass it by every day on his way home from college. He always stopped to admire the flowers.
"He has a wonderful eye for beautiful things, don't you think?" said Grace, touching his hand lightly. Az blinked, startled from whatever it was he was thinking, and smiled shyly.
So one afternoon Grace had given him a bouquet for free. Bemused, he'd accepted it. Unwrapping the flowers at home he'd found a business card with her number written on it.
Grace sighed. "Oh, I was such a coward. I've never been able to make the first move. But he always looked so forlorn while looking at my flowers. Truth is, I just wanted to see him smile."
I smiled at the cute story. What a cute story! And I told them I thought it was a really cute story.
Az knew something was up. He launched into what he was doing at college. I'd missed a lot. I hadn't ever really bothered to find out what he was doing. The thought depressed me.
Grace interspersed his recount with various little anecdotes. She was studying to be a surgeon, of course. Intelligent and beautiful and studying to be a surgeon. Then the main came and I was happy for a break from all the smiling and nodding.
Envy filled my heart to overflowing. They seemed so happy together. I hated them for it, and I hated myself even more for hating them.
As I dug at my souffle, I wondered what my problem was. Did I really want Az to be unhappy? Unhappy like I was? No. No, of course I didn't. I just wanted- But no. I couldn't go back any more. I'd lost the power of SAVE long ago. And even if I still had it, how could I use it now? Az seemed so happy. I had no right to erase that happiness from existence, no matter how I felt.
Happy. That was the problem. People's happiness had become painful to me.
I pushed the dark thoughts away. Grace seemed to be a lovely person. She wasn't pretentious or arrogant or negative. She was a far better person than I was. I was being unfair to her.
Grace's knife slipped over her filet mignon, precise and methodical. She popped a cube of meat in her mouth and smiled at me. I started. She'd caught me watching her.
'Uh,' I said quickly. "So Az, have you visited mom and dad lately?"
The question seemed to catch Az off-guard. He glanced at Grace. "We went to see them this morning," he said.
"I was so scared," said Grace, wiping her lips with her napkin.
"Scared?" I asked.
"Of your mother," she said.
Az laughed. "Mom asked Grace lots and lots of questions."
"It was like a cross-examination," she said. "Oh, but I suppose she can't be blamed. If a strange woman appeared in my house and said she wanted to marry my son, I think I'd be a bit protective as well."
I nodded and smiled. But then the meaning of what she'd said finally trickled through to my nervous system and my smile disintegrated. "Marry?"
Az, eyes wide, looked at Grace. Her hand flew to her mouth.
"Oh I'm sorry," she said. "I forgot that Az wanted to be the one to tell you. We're engaged!"
"But, your finger..." I said.
Grace frowned until she realised what I was talking about. "Oh, the ring. Az had me leave it home. He didn't want to spoil the surprise."
Az glanced at me. He tried to mask his alarm, but I could see it in his eyes. They had that look of a deer in the headlights about them.
My fingers hurt. Then I realised I was gripping the edge of the table.
"Frisk?" said Az. "Are you-?"
"Congratulations," I said. I loosened my grip and grinned at the two of them. "I'm so happy for you!"
Az's eyes narrowed. I was sure my smile had unnerved him. It was that wide smile I gave when there was nothing else behind it, that horrible smile that made me fear mirrors. But Grace was unable to read it. She leaned across the table and took hold of my hands.
"Oh thank you, darling! I'm so glad."
I stared down at her hands. Her grip. It was almost painful.
The waiter came and asked us about dessert. Grace gestured for me to order first. I took the menu. It felt slippery in my hands. I drew my finger down the list. I could barely read anything on it. "I… I think I'll have the crème brulee."
I handed the menu to Az but Grace intercepted it.
"We'll both have the gateau au chocolat," she said, handing the menu to the waiter. She turned and beamed at me. "We always order chocolate cake. Az just loves chocolate, doesn't he?"
Chocolate. Az just loves chocolate...
Everything spun. All I could see was Grace's wide, beaming mouth, her dimples, her sparkling eyes. She was so happy. Of course she was happy. She was going to marry Az. She was going to marry the man I loved, that gentle, beautiful man I'd pushed away.
My soul ached, ached like a sliver of ice was jammed in my chest. It slid against my beating heart, slicing it like a razor, slicing it like how Grace had sliced up that steak.
I slid out of my chair. My body felt like a strange puppet, like a robotic thing I had to command to move. "I- I have to go to the bathroom."
Az started to get up. "Frisky, are you-?"
"Are you okay, darling?" Grace interrupted. "You look so pale!"
I grabbed the back of my chair. There was no one there for me to lean against this time. I looked across at Az and her. Her face. Those dimples. All my anger, all my hate focussed on them.
"Of course I'm okay," I snapped. "Why wouldn't I be? My brother's going to marry a woman he's only just met and who talks over him all the time and orders for him. Everything's just f-"
My voice trailed away. It had risen to a shout and I hadn't even noticed. People were staring at me. Az and Grace were, too. Grace was shocked, and Az… his face was no longer a frown of concern. Now it was a glare, a glare just like mom's.
"Frisk," he began.
I snatched up my purse and fled. I stumbled through the labyrinth of tables and chairs to the bathroom, pushed my way inside and slumped over the sink. My stomach lurched, but I wasn't sick.
I raised my head. The mirror. She was staring back out of the mirror at me. That girl. So much hate. So much hate in those eyes. But it was hate for myself.
"Frisk?"
My name. But not his voice, of course. It was Grace's.
"Please," I said. "Please, I-" I gripped the sink, squeezed my eyes closed. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," said Grace. She came up beside me, placed a hand on my shoulder. "I understand."
I looked up at her. God, she was tall. No. I was just short, that's all. "You understand?"
Grace nodded. "Az told me how close the two of you are. You think you're losing a brother. But really you're just going to gain a sister – well, a sister-in-law anyway."
Losing a brother? I blinked at my reflection. The face staring at me offered no comfort. That wasn't all I'd lost. I'd lost everything, all my hope and happiness.
Grace smiled at me from the mirror.
"I love your brother very much, Frisk," she said. "I promise I'll take good care of him." Her hand slipped onto mine. It felt cool, like marble.
Good care of him...
My ears roared. A tsunami of Images spilled across my vision.
Az and Grace, meeting for the first time at the flower-shop. Az and her on their first date. Az and her, laughing as they shared chocolate cake. Az and her, fingers intertwined, kissing, making love, his long slim body covering hers, her neck arched in ecstasy as he took her, again and again, her mouth wide open as she cried out his name, the dimples appearing on her cheeks, her nails sliding across his back.
"I- I'm sorry," I said, my voice breaking into a sob. "I have to go."
Grace's hand slipped from mine. She didn't try to stop me.
The restaurant had grown huge while I'd been in the bathroom. I pushed my way across an endless plain filled with tables and chairs to the front door.
"Frisk! Frisk!"
I expected to hear him crying out my name, trying to stop me from leaving. There was no way he hadn't noticed me leave the bathroom. But nothing, nothing above the chatter and clinking cutlery and crockery of the restaurant.
Somewhere deep inside myself I found the strength to look back for him.
There. Our table, near the far-window. He was sitting there, staring in my direction. He made no attempt to stand up or to signal me in any way. Instead he just stared through me like I wasn't there.
Then Grace reappeared and he turned to her.
Grace. He'd reacted to her. But then again, she was real, wasn't she? I was just a bad dream, an unpleasant memory. I stood among the tables and diners. Everyone ignored me. I was dead and invisible, a forlorn spirit.
I walked to the glass doors and pushed them open. No one stopped me. Somehow I found my car and threw myself into the driver's seat. I started the engine but straight away switched it off again. No tears. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I cry?
I sat there, my head resting on the steering wheel and waited.
But no one came.
The memories fled. I was sitting again in the little kitchenette of my apartment, my coffee cold, the contents of the heart-shaped box spread before me. Photos, letters, cards…
I couldn't look at them any more. I scooped them back into the box and shut it.
For the rest of the day my nightmares kept me company in the waking world. Classes, tutorials, study in the library – it all melted into one meaningless blob. I wondered at how much of my life had become like this, just jumbled up together with no direction. My waking life was a dream, and I lived in my memories. I kept looking at my phone, but there were no more messages.
Why would there be?
When I got back in my car after my final class, I sat there, the key in the ignition. The thought of going home to that empty apartment horrified me.
I started the car. I didn't take the usual turn-off and just kept driving. With Mt. Ebott on the left, the rest of the forest-clad mountains loomed before me.
I had to go back. But not home.
I parked my car at the edge of the forest. There was only one place left for me to go. Our place. The last place perhaps where I'd been truly happy.
The forest had changed. It had shrunk, like the magical forest of a children's book. I felt huge as I followed the familiar paths. The ground began to rise.
The lookout.
The tree was still there, the poor old fallen birch. I sat on it and it gave a little, chips falling to the ground. I picked one up. Rotten. It had started to rot.
I lowered my face into my hands. Tears, at last. My old friends. I knew I'd find my tears again here. This was a good place. After I cried, I'd feel better for a little while.
I heard a crunch and jerked up straight. Someone was walking up the path. I gripped the wood beneath me and stared at the old overgrown azalea bush. It shivered. Someone tall. Az!
No, not Az. Grace. I slowly got to my feet, staring at her.
Grace smiled at me, her cheeks dimpling. "Hello, Frisk. Oh, please don't get up on my account."
I slowly sat back down. "Wh-what are you doing here? Is Az-?"
She shook her head. "Az isn't here." She motioned to the fallen tree. "Do you mind if I-?
"No," I said. No, I didn't mind. Why would I mind?
Grace sat and turned to me. "Frisk, I think we got off to a bad start."
Guilt welled up in me, submerging my surprise at her appearance. 'I'm so sorry about last night," I said in a rush. "I didn't leave you any money and I was rude to both of you and-"
I felt her hand on mine. "Please, don't worry about it."
"I want to be happy for you both," I said. It's just that-"
"No," said Grace. "Shh. I won't hear any more. Let's leave that all in the past." She looked out across the landscape. "It's very beautiful here, isn't it?"
"It is," I said.
Grace sighed. "I remember the first time Az brought me here. He wanted to show me somewhere that was very special to him, he said."
My heart twinged. Az… Az had brought her here? But of course he had. That was how she knew about it.
"Az and I used to come here a lot as kids," I said.
"Oh," said Grace. "I hope you don't mind sharing it."
"No," I lied. "I don't mind."
"Yes," said Grace. "It was in the evening. I'd had a bad day and he wanted to cheer me up. He stood over there and raised his hands and all of these incredible stars appeared in the sky!" She gasped. "I knew he could do magic, but I had no idea he was able to make something so beautiful."
My heart cracked. He'd shown her his trick, the trick only I'd ever seen? But of course, Frisk. You fool. You fool! She's his girlfriend… no, his fiance. Why wouldn't he show her?
"I'm afraid it was just so beautiful my heart began to race," continued Grace. "I got so hot I couldn't wait to get him home. As a woman, I'm sure you know the feeling, Frisk. I just had to have him. So I took his hand and found a nice little secluded place for us to make love, just over there." She pointed toward the edge of the lookout.
I stared at her. I'd barely understood what she'd said, it was so shocking. Was she really… had she really said all that, or had I…?
Grace grinned. "Oh Frisk, I threw myself on him. I just couldn't help myself! And I rode him hard until he started to bleat." She laughed. "Oh, have you ever made him bleat? It really is the cutest-"
I got to my feet, shaking, my hands balled into fists. Black despair and rage pumped through me.
"Why," I whispered. "Why are you saying all this?"
Grace pouted. "But Frisk, he's just your brother. Isn't that what you've always told yourself?"
I took a step towards her. "Do you really hate me that much? What have I ever-?"
Grace laughed and hopped off the tree. "Oh Frisk, I don't hate you. I love you! Hating you just wouldn't make any sense. We're just like each other, after all. Two peas in a pod, two sides of the same coin. Sisters, I guess you could say."
"Sisters?" I felt my lips curling into a sneer. "What the hell are you talking about?"
Grace shrugged. "You really don't remember, do you? Well, it was many years ago. I suppose I must have changed a bit. Az didn't recognise me either. I think it's the hair. I've grown it out since we last met."
She reached back with one hand and pulled her long hair off her shoulders and neck, while lifting her fringe with the other. She grinned at me, her face now framed with a page-boy haircut.
"Is that better?"
I stared at her. Ice flooded my veins. "No," I said.
Her grin deepened, her perfect white teeth sparkling like a shark's. "Oh, Frisk. It's been too long, hasn't it?"
"You," I whispered. "You."
She sighed. "Please, Frisk. Please say my name. I love the sound of my name. It's such a beautiful one, don't you think? Why, just someone saying it is enough to make me appear."
"Chara." The name felt strange on my lips. I hadn't said it in a very long time.
She clapped her hands. "Oh, I knew you'd remember!"
"But… but you died," I whispered. "You're dead!"
Chara burst into a peal of dangerous laughter. "But Frisk, you died too! Or don't you remember? Just like Az died, many, many times. And all your friends, the girl with the ballet shoes, the boy with the bandana, the girl with the tattered notebook. All dead and buried, their souls harvested." Her smile deepened. "But you had to bring them all back, didn't you? Back from that howling black void. You just had to keep trying until you got your perfect ending."
I tried to remember. My heart burned in my chest. No, not my heart, my soul. My soul burned and I gasped at the pain.
"It hurts, doesn't it?" said Chara. "Having a soul. But its only through possessing a soul that we have determination, and only the most determined have the power of SAVE." She took a step toward me. "Frisk, did you really think I'd stay behind when everyone else was reborn, stay there in that dark place while you had all the fun?"
I tried to back away but terror glued my feet to the ground. "What do you want?" I cried, my voice hysterical even to my own ears.
"What I've always wanted," said Chara. "I want revenge. Revenge on everyone who hurt me. Revenge on the humans who wronged me. You stopped me before, Frisk, many, many times. But not this time."
She drew her hand from behind her back. There was a knife in it. Not a butter knife, like the ones Patience had used in her tricks, nor a steak knife or anything like that. It was a butcher's knife, a knife with a wide, deadly blade, a knife for cutting through bone and flesh.
Panic shook me from my paralysis. I darted to the left, to run around her, but Chara anticipated me and stepped in my way.
"Boo," she said.
I dummied to the right, then tried again to slip past her on the left, but she was expecting that, too. Her knife flicked in front of my face and I stopped dead.
"Oh Frisk, darling Frisk," she cooed, turning the blade so that the light of the sun flashed along its length. "You can't outsmart me. I know exactly what you're going to do. I'm just like you, after all."
"You're nothing like me!" I screamed.
Anger flashed for a moment across Chara's face, but then the dimples returned. "Now, Frisk, you know that's not true. What about all those nightmares? What about all the times you looked in the mirror and saw me staring back at you?"
My blood turned to ice. "That… that was really you?"
Chara shook her head. "You still don't get it, do you? I've always been here, Frisk, alongside you. Whenever despair or fear or anger took control of your heart, it called out for me and I came. I am your beautiful shadow, after all."
She took a step forward. I stumbled back. "My shadow?"
Chara's smile grew sad. "Az truly loves me you know, Frisk. He loved me once as Chara and now he loves me as Grace. He'll always love me, whatever name I take."
"You're lying," I whispered.
Chara chuckled. "It was easy to make him fall in love with me. Az's heart has always been so open, so innocent, so needy. I simply gave him what he wanted, an answer to his hopes and dreams." She gazed at her reflection in the blade. "But maybe you're the one who's my shadow, Frisk. After all, aren't you really just a shorter, fatter, plainer, boring version of me?"
"He never loved you," I spat at her. "He loved me!"
"Can anyone really love another person, truly I mean?" Chara asked with a shrug. "We all have our secret selves we don't show anyone else, Frisk. People fall in love with projections, a dream of what their heart desires. That's how I know Az never really loved you." She shook her head sadly. "He just thought he did. Do you know why that was, Frisk? Because he saw me reflected in your eyes."
The hideous truth of her words sliced into me. My heat broke. I turned and ran, tears stinging in my eyes.
Chara pursued me. I knew she was faster. She wasn't just prettier and taller than me, she was faster, too, but she held back. I soon knew why.
The ridge fell away before me and I came to a stop. Rocks and pebbles disturbed by my feet tumbled down the steep cliff, clattering and skipping their way far to the bottom.
"This is the end, Frisk."
I wheeled around. Chara was only a few feet away. There was no way past her.
"What do you want from me?" I cried.
"Just the power of SAVE."
"I told you I don't have it any more!"
"And I already told you," said Chara with a sigh. "That the one with the most determination gains the blessing of SAVE. And once you're dead, that person will be me." She grinned. "But I won't use I right away, of course. Az will need to be comforted, when he learns about your death. I'll be there for him, Frisk, to feed his anger and despair, to reawaken the God of Hyperdeath. But that's in the future, isn't it? I'll have all the time in the world to enjoy him before then. After all..." She drew the palm of her hand across her belly. "Our child will need its father."
Everything crumbled then, my heart, my soul, the sky, the earth. The cliff slid away beneath my feet and I stumbled. Chara was waiting. Her knife flashed. I flinched away and the blow went wide. But it had never been meant to hit me. Fear. Just the fear of it was enough.
I lost my balance, felt the unseen drop yawning behind me, teetered for a heart-stopping moment on its edge. Then Chara placed her hand on my chest, gently, almost lovingly, and pushed, just enough to send me backwards over the cliff.
The universe slowed. Her grinning face fell away from my sight, replaced by the wheeling sky and its fluffy white clouds.
The ground, a great, brown, vicious swirling blur, swung across my vision, then the blue of the sky again, the white of the clouds smeared across it like paint scraped by a thumbnail. Then brown again, then blue, then brown, then blue, then pain. Hideous, vicious, soul-breaking pain.
I'd hit the side of the cliff. I bounced and flew. My arm flicked across my vision, fluttering like a rag. Broken, the bone within it shattered.
Then I struck the ground, flew again, and struck it one last time. My body crumpled. I hit my head and the agony ended with merciful blackness.
Blue sky. Blue endless sky. The sky was singing to me.
No. Not the sky. My phone. It was ringing.
What time was it? I tried to roll over, to reach for it. I couldn't move.
I tried to move my hand. Nothing. My leg, my toes. Nothing, nothing but a strange, empty tingling. I blinked my eyes. Black, then blue. I moved my lips. They moved, too. I tried to cry out. Nothing came out except a croak, the sound of a broken, dying animal.
Chara. Az, I had to warn him!
The phone sang, then fell silent. I tried to move but couldn't.
Tears pooled in my eyes. I lay there, cried, gasped out my pain to the heartless blue sky. The phone sang and was silent, sang and was silent.
I felt no pain. I knew why. I was paralysed. My fall had broken something inside me, just as Chara had intended. She'd left me here to die slowly, trapped in the prison of my own body. I couldn't move. I'd never move again.
Rocks came pouring down the cliff, skittered past my feet. Someone was making their way down to me.
Fear washed across me, and a panic I couldn't express beyond the flicking of my eyes. Chara! She knew I wasn't dead. She was coming to finish me!
"Frisk? Frisk!"
Az's voice!
I gasped out for him, my broken voice almost forming words in its desperate croaking. More rocks came. I looked for him, but beyond the little disk of my vision I couldn't see anything, only the shadowy edge of my body and the blue sky above me.
But then shame filled me, destroying my hope. There was no hope. I knew I'd never walk or hug anyone or move again. Better I should just die. Better I had just died rather than Az find me, see me like this, this horrible, broken thing crumpled among the rocks.
I stared upwards till all my vision was filled with blue. Az. No, don't come here. Go home. Leave me!
But the blue sky vanished. His face appeared, the face of a god looking down at me from heaven.
There was terror in his eyes.
"Frisk!"
He fell to his knees beside me. He stared at my body, went to touch it, hesitated.
"Oh god, Frisk. Oh god. Your… your blood!"
My blood?
Az brought his hands away. They were crimson, as though he'd dipped his palms in red paint, like when we did finger-painting at school. I was bleeding? Where? I couldn't feel it.
Tears poured down his face, but he made no sound. His face was calm, the terror beaten back. He moved closer to me.
"Frisk," he said. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Frisk, don't worry. Don't worry, Frisk. Don't worry. I can fix this. I can fix this!"
Fix this? I wanted to laugh. How? How could he fix this?
He took my hand, placed it on his chest. I couldn't feel anything, of course. It was as if I was watching him place someone's hand there, someone who was asleep, since the arm was so slack.
"Frisk, I went to see Alphys today. She did some tests on me. Remember? Those tests she'd always wanted us to do." He squeezed my hand though I felt nothing. "Last night, after you left, I felt a horrible pain in my heart. Do you know what Alphys told me, Frisk? It was my soul that hurt, not my heart." The shadow of a smile appeared on his face. "The reason it hurts is because there's only half a soul there, and it's human, Frisk. I have half a human soul."
Half a human soul? But how? How was that…?
"It's half of your soul, Frisk," Az said. "You're the one who gave it to me, long, long ago, in that dark, lonely place you saved me from. Do you remember, Frisk? Do you remember?"
Did I remember?
Yes. I remembered.
Asriel. Asriel Dreemurr, the other half of my soul. How many times had I fought him? How many times had I exorcised the demon that was Flowey, defeated the Absolute God of Hyperdeath, reminded him of who he was and found the gentle little monster hiding deep inside, the gentle little monster who had loved too much and had paid the ultimate price for that love? How many times had I rescued him just to lose him again? How many times had all that happened? How many times had I reset the world?
A hundred? A thousand? I couldn't remember. But I remembered resetting and resetting, over and over again, desperately searching for a way to save him.
At long last I found it. The final missing piece, the key to the puzzle. Gaster, the One who Speaks with Hands, the Royal Scientist before Alphys. Gaster. The voice on my cell phone, the one who had called the wrong number.
His voice, lost, from across an infinite void of time and space: "I'm looking for G-"
"Gaster," I'd replied. "Professor Gaster, the person you're looking for is yourself."
This time I didn't let him hang up. In cryptic and broken whispers, he helped me to find the scattered fragments of his soul, helped me to repair the machine in Sans' basement, revealed to me the true nature of his experiments.
The machine. It had been designed to send an individual anywhere and anywhen, through that howling void between life and death, but it had malfunctioned. Instead, it split you, tore your soul into pieces, scattered you across time and space. Gaster had fallen into it and suffered its full effects.
But maybe, if you were careful, if you only used the smallest amount of its power...
I remembered what Alphys had told me about souls - that a monster's dissipates immediately after death, turning to dust, while a human's soul lingers, not forever, but for a little while.
A little while. More than enough time.
"I don't want to go..."
He was in my arms again - Asriel, the little goat-boy with the long floppy ears and those sad violet eyes. I hugged him to me as the winds of that desolate place howled around us, felt the warmth of his fur against my skin, felt his tears wetting my neck, just like I had a thousand, thousand times before.
But this time was different. This time I didn't let go.
"It's okay, Asriel," I whispered to him. "You don't need to go away any more."
Splitting my soul was like ripping my existence in half. But I had no other choice. There was no other way to save him. I reached into my chest, drew the red, glowing sliver out of me and plunged it into him. Asriel cried out, his face a mask of confusion, both hands pressed against his chest.
"Frisk," he whispered, and then he grimaced. "Wh-what have you done to me, Frisk?"
I fell, gasping, to my knees. The pain was beyond description. But the tears that spilled from my eyes and splashed against the dark floor of this void where we'd parted so many times before were different this time, too.
This time they were happy tears.
Asriel lifted me to my feet, hugged my shuddering body to him. "Frisk? Frisk!"
The pain faded away. I touched his face, pitied the terrible loss in his eyes.
"Frisk," he whispered. "Why? Why did you-?"
"Because you deserve to live," I told him. "Because I love you."
And then darkness, a darkness more intense than the black yawning emptiness of the limbo in which we'd fought.
I knew that darkness well. I was seeing it again, now, here, my body broken at the base of the cliff. That darkness, whose other name was death.
The winds were howling. Warm. So warm. I wondered why. Wasn't death supposed to be cold?
"Frisk! Frisk!"
Az's voice. Az. He still here? Wait, hadn't I saved him?
I opened my eyes. Az was embracing me. His fur was warm against my cheek.
"Frisk, hold on! Don't fall asleep! I can fix this! I can make this right!"
He laid me down and placed his hand on his chest and pushed, his face contorting in pain. Light blossomed in his chest: purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, red, cycling through the colours of the rainbow. It poured out of him, as though his body was filled with light rather than blood.
Red. Just red light, now. Red like blood. Red like determination.
No, no!
I gasped, croaked, bit at the air, tried desperately to form the words. No, Az, no! You fool, Az, you fool! Stop!
The light faded. A glowing ember, alive, like a burning petal of a rose fallen from the heaven, sat in Az's palm. He gazed down at it and smiled. Then he placed it against my chest and pushed.
Light. Red light poured out of me, a column of heatless fire.
Az pushed again. Tendrils of light played about his fingers. Again he pushed. Pain. Light. Both spilled out of me as Az continued to push at my chest.
My heart… The other half of my soul in my chest. It sensed its lost half and called out to it.
Az pushed one final time. The petal in his hand sank into my chest. Red light burst out of me like a fountain then fell away to a trickle. Az slumped back, panting.
Suddenly, pain. Pain and sensation roared through me as though a hot, howling wind. Lightning coursed throughout my body, along my spine, down my arms and legs. I let out a shuddering cry and sat bolt upright. Gasping, I pushed my palms against my chest. Fire lived there, a raging storm of fire.
The pain lessened. Sweat poured off my face and I wiped it away with my hands.
Wait. My hands. My hands! I'd moved them!
I wiggled my fingers before my face, curled them into my palm.
I could move!
"Az!" I cried. "I can move! I can move again!"
I threw myself upon him with a cry. He caught me, crushed me to his chest. Oh god, oh god! How long had it been? How long had it been since I'd hugged him like this! My heart, newly whole, raced as though it would burst from my chest.
My heart. My soul. It was whole again. But Az...
"Az?"
I pulled away. He'd given me back his soul, his half of my soul. Didn't that mean...?
But he was smiling at me. He looked fine. Fear fled from my heart, washed clear by hope. I laughed with joy. "Az, you're alive! Oh thank god, you're alive!"
His smile grew sad. "Frisk. I'm sorry. This… this is just the last of my determination."
His words shattered the half-born hope inside me. I shook my head. "No. No, Az. You're alright. You're alright!"
His hands found mine. They were cold, growing colder. I looked up at him. The colour was fading from his face, his violet eyes dimming.
But still he smiled.
"Az!" I sobbed, pulling him to me. "Why? Why did you have to...?"
"Because you deserve to live, sis," he whispered, his breath a ghost against my neck, his voice coming from an eternity away. "Because I love you."
I cried out, crushed him to me, cried out over and over again for him not to leave, that he couldn't leave, that I loved him. But Az said nothing. His arms fell slack and I pulled away.
Dust. There was dust all over my chest and arms.
"Az?"
I brought a hand to his still-smiling face. Powder fell away from my touch.
"Az," I whispered. "No. No!"
The wind rose. Dust swirled. His face vanished. I reached for him, but there was nothing for me to hold. The dust which had been Az poured through my arms, like the evaporation of a dream. The wind caught it up and carried it away, swirling, into the heartless blue sky.
I lifted my face and cried out, cried out for help over and over again to that same empty sky. But no answer came. I fell forward, my hands trailing through the dust, sobbing out my pain to the earth. Then the wind carried the last of him away from me, and with him all my hopes and dreams.
GAME OVER