ep 6: Enna, Tourist Trap Hell
Metafalss, the land of whatever.
~ . ~ . ~
"The land of whatever? That's it? Psh...feels like a rip," Kanna griped.
"Eh?" mumbled Cloche.
The girls were in their tent, waking up to another blah Metafalssian why-the-fsck-do-I-have-to-get-out-of-bed morning. Reyvateils especially took that literally. Every couple of days or so their bodies had to run fsck in a background process before they woke up. Because the file systems for their cosmospheres were so dadgum touchy.
"The intro. You know? He usually puts in more effort than that."
Cloche looked around uncertainly. "Who does?"
"You know who. And don't say Vol. That joke's been used already."
"E-Eh? Okay, now I'm completely lost."
"Well gee, that didn't take long," Kanna giggled.
"Hmph."
They had camped out last night between Rakshek and Rakshek Resort because the monsters there were weakest. The Poms in that region were about as dangerous as cotton balls. Yet the psychologically-scarred Cloche still ended up muttering incessantly to herself as she rocked herself to sleep, trying not to think about the Poms nearby. Much to the annoyance of Kanna and C.P. After Cloche fell asleep Kanna drew a simple picture of a growling Pom and stuck it on the tent wall in front of where Cloche was curled up in a corner. It was the first thing she saw when she woke up. She jumped awake with a very loud yelp, tripped over Kanna and fell on a sleeping C.P., who being jolted awake nearly punched her on reflex. Kanna cracked up, exploding with much mirthful laughter at their expense. C.P. then grabbed Kanna, who still wasn't wearing anything from the night before, and threw her naked Reyvateil butt out of the tent and shut the flap. Good thing it was still dark. Nevertheless a suddenly panicked Kanna began yelling and cursing as she scrambled to get back inside, throwing hasty glances at the guys' tent nearby and nearly tearing the flap open before Cloche hurriedly opened it for her. Aw, isn't that nice? Even after being played a trick upon, Cloche is still considerate. You should hang your head in shame, Kanna.
So after all that, since Kanna was not on speaking terms with C.P. for the moment, she continued talking to Cloche.
"Anyway," she said, now decently dressed, and without even the slightest bit of shameful head-hanging, "you know how he always starts one of these things with a, 'Metafalss, the land of blah blah blah', and then throws in some stupid shittake before the main story starts. But he didn't do it this time, what's his deal?"
"I still don't know who you're talking about, Kanna."
Kanna reached over and grabbed Cloche's face with both palms, looking intently in her eyes. Cloche suddenly felt like a hamster being toyed with by a hungry cat.
"Work with me, Cloche. Just nod your head and say, 'Yeah, I know whatcha mean,'" she said, forcing Cloche's head up and down as she spoke the final words.
"Yeah, I know whatcha mean," the nodding Cloche recited, feeling as if another tiny piece of her soul had just died.
Suddenly Kanna was hit with inspiration, sustaining 1 HP of damage. "Oh! Maybe now's my chance!" she declared, 'pom'-ming her fist into her palm in a very Izumi Konata-like way. "If he's just gonna suck today, then I, Kanna Ileris, will take his place and do the very first Character Intro!"
Kanna paused dramatically, having struck a triumphant pose and now awaiting a response from her audience.
Any response.
Well, a little birdie outside cheeped uncertainly.
"Doesn't that sound like fun?"
"NO," C.P.'s muffled voice said heavily from beneath her pillow, where she had fruitlessly been trying to get back to sleep.
"I'm sorry, Cloche, did you hear something?" Kanna said sweetly.
Cloche looked glum. She hated feeling caught in the middle.
"Well, then let's do this! M-m.
~ . ~ . ~
"Metafalss, the land of chaos! And also the land of beautiful young girls known as Reyvateils, whose mission it is to sing lovely hymns that can warm the soul, heal the body, and blow stuff up! (That's always been my favorite part.) But, tragically, these captivating songstresses don't have many years to live...sigh. Third-gens aren't as lucky as Betas or Origins. Sheez, just because we aren't built the same way doesn't mean the Tower has to go screwing with our bodies whenever we use Song Magic. I know it's old technology but surely somebody can figure out something...maybe make a firmware patch for us...make it available for download and distribution...restore the hopes and dreams of long life for all Third-gens without having to use stupid diquility...BUT NOOOOOOOOO! EVERY three months I gotta go stuff it up my-"
"...Well anyway. So! That just means we gotta live life to the fullest in the here and now! Seize the day! Yes, these energetic young lasses who know the brevity of life all too well know how to take hold of what's been given to them and make the most of it! And it is their spirit and vigor that can replenish this land and make it not suck so bad! Yeah! Reyvateils ARE the final hope for the restoration of all of Metafalss! And THAT..."
she proclaimed, with radiant eyes and a finger pointed squarely at the reader, if you can imagine it,
"...is my Intro!"
~ . ~ . ~
They say that silence is golden. Well after Kanna's intro, the inside of the girls' tent was pretty golden all right.
"Well whadja think?"
Cloche, looking anything but like the final hope for the restoration of all of Metafalss, hesitated before replying.
"Um...w-what do you mean by he throws in a bunch of mushrooms into the intro?"
Kanna picked up her pillow and bapped Cloche with it before she could blink.
Kanna was surprised, though, to find that C.P. had emerged from her blankets and was looking at her with a curious glare. But before she could avert her gaze and stick her nose in the air, C.P. spoke.
"Wow. You actually have a vocabulary."
"Shut the hell up," Kanna retorted.
At least she's talking to her again, I guess, Cloche mused from beneath Kanna's pillow.
~ . ~ . ~
Heh. 'The Tower has to go screwing with our bodies'...thank you for that one, Kanna.
~ . ~ . ~
Several days earlier, some kid named Cocona hopped off the Souffle Axis train at the station in Enna. She was followed by her brotherly-type brother Croix, who stepped off the train easily, yet slightly wearily, as if he'd seen a lot of mileage in his short years. Oh, you ain't seen the half of it yet, buddy. Bringing up the rear - and it was a big rear - was bulky Leglius, scooting his hefty feet off the train and hitting the station deck with a thud.
Ah, the historical town of Enna. That mangy ol' municipality of Metafalss. The mustiest of the musty. Legend has it that rich schoolkids from Pastalia who go on field trips to Enna to "further their education" return to their hometown smelling like old feet. Tourist-trappy town it was, too. Historical places usually are. But it was-
What?
No, of course you didn't see the touristy stuff in the game. Cheapo shops everywhere you look hardly make for compelling background art. But while we're lucky enough to get to see only the cool side of Enna, the poor chumps who lived there had to deal with the tacky reality that was Enna, Historical Tourist Town. Yeah, reality sucks, eh?
Well, then again, Enna isn't even a...nor is any of this...
Er...
Cocona, wanna take over? This is falling flat.
"So this is Enna?" Cocona chirped. "It's pretty rundown."
"Yeah, well it is the oldest town in the area," said Croix in a brotherly, glasses-wearing fashion.
"And unlike Pastalia," grunted Leglius, "this town has never been destroyed by quakes."
Or Quakers either, probably.
"This place breathes the history of Metafalss," he finished.
End in-game dialogue. Thanks, Coc'. Or would that be Coke? Nah, that just doesn't look right. What kind of nickname do people usually use for you, Cocona? Nobody's ever called you Coco, have they?
Shut the heck up, Cocona thought, getting annoyed, but still too innocent at heart to go beyond 'heck', hee-hee.
~ . ~ . ~
Several days later, some shorty named Cloche hopped off the Souffle Axis train at the station in Enna. She stretched her arms wide as she sucked in a big breath of that history of Metafalss. Two seconds later she was doubled over, coughing her lungs out. Can't blame her.
The others gathered around her as they disembarked, asking if she was all right. Cloche responded by coughing like an old jalopy that won't start on a cold morning. She can't talk, duh. But that never stops people from asking, or from offering unsolicited assistance.
"Thumping her on the back should help!" Kanna said energetically.
All it did was add 'Ow' to her repetoire of larynx-twisting coughs, hacks, and wheezes.
"Hey! Not so hard!" Lance said to the energetically thumping Kanna. "She's delicate! You of all people should know."
Kanna stopped. Her eyes blazed as she glared at Lance. Girls with short fuses are fun. In fiction.
"Delicate? DELICATE?" she yowled. "So being Reyvateils automatically makes us fragile little weakling girls, is that it? Is that what you're trying to say?"
Well, yeah, kinda...but it wouldn't exactly be wise for him to admit it.
"N-No, I-"
"I bet Cloche could take a full-on punch in the back and she'd be just fine! Watch!"
Kanna reared up and balled her fist, ready to knock some HP out of Cloche's back for all the ATK she was worth. C.P., with greater SPD than Kanna, quickly caught her fist and held it back.
"Don't be a moron."
Nearby, a little girl was watching them open-mouthed and goggle-eyed. She tugged at her mother's sleeve. "Mommy, those people are weird."
"Sh!" her mother cautioned. "Don't stare. They're adventurers."
The girl caught the subtle shift in her mother's tone at that word, as well as the almost pitying look in her eyes. "Ohhh..." she said knowingly, feeling enlightened.
After Cloche quit coughing like someone who had just smoked a taco, they wandered on into Enna. Tourist-trappy shops walled them in, as did cheap eateries. Taiyaki stands. Takoyaki stands. Nekoyaki stands. That last one had just a tad bit of trouble attracting customers. One of the workers had even donned a cat mascot suit and was cheerfully greeting passers-by and announcing their menu specials, attempting to lure in business. But somehow, that just made people feel all the more creepy about stopping to eat there.
Cheap jewelry shops were next. One shop had slapped up a boring banner with the uninspired name 'Treasures of Enna' stamped across it. Boo. Who'd be lured in by such a blah name that exudes cheese?
Who, in the name of Frelia!
...Do you really have to guess?
Cloche's eyes were sparkly as she stared at all the pwetty twinkets. Bracelets, necklaces, earrings, songstone rings, Hymmnos charms. She thought they were all ever so delightful. When you don't know that merch like that usually comes from seedy manufacturers in The Slums who use poorly-paid, undocumented IPD laborers, you think it's all ever so delightful.
Some folks had set up shop on the street under the sky, showcasing Reyvateil fanart. Mostly of Reyvateils of folklore who had once lived in Enna, dressed in historical get-up and in period settings. The kind of stuff that nobody but historical-loli geeks, or the completely ignorant tourist who just bought the artwork because 'It's from Enna!', would appreciate.
Not far away from that, a vendor was selling fresh fish. Mm, tasty. Fresh fish is just always the best with-wait, what? Fresh fish! How did they-? Where-? What frickin' body of water did they pull that out of! Meh. Perhaps a better question would be why it is that when Jacqli thinks of food-to-go, she thinks of burgers. Burgers? Who knew they had a McDrone's in Sol Marta?
Naturally, they had to stop by and rifle through the tourist apparel at a clothing shop, which carried t-shirts that said stuff like, 'My friends went to smell the history at Enna and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'. They had Hymmnos-language versions of that same sentiment as well. Rumor had it that if you sang the Hymmnos, the Song Server would swap out said lousy t-shirt with the snazziest duds from said friend's closet. But when Cloche tried it, all it did was send her into another coughing fit.
Elsewhere, a slightly dingy girl was selling something unique to Enna - Hum Crystals. Souvenir-ish knickknacks reminescent of the real thing. They actually did something, too - each one came with a written Hymmnos spell, and when one chanted the spell the Hum Crystal would glow and a shining animated sprite thingy of some sort would appear, such as a flying bird, or a blossoming flower, or some other girly crap. Lance immediately saw the potential of this, and excitedly asked flat-out, "Do you have any with naked girls?" Needless to say, the poor shopgirl had to do her best to keep her face from bottoming out while politely delivering a "No, sorry sir" to the unabashed pervert. Though the incident did give Kanna another opportunity to use her "Shut the hell up" phrase for the second time today.
Incidentally, Cloche and the slightly dingy girl hit it off, and ended up chatting for a short while. Figures. The others wandered off in search of sustenance, as Cloche and Dingy happily broached an array of mind-numbingly dull topics. Which for the sake of the author's and the reader's well-being, shall be gratefully bypassed in this narrative.
F*** Your S***! I'm enjoying myself! Cloche yelled in her thoughts at the author.
Yeeks! Almost forgot that there was a Dark Cloche lurking in that cuteness! Sheez...you been hanging around 4chan lately, Cloche?
Shortly thereafter, the sustenance-gatherers had found what they sought and were busily munching. C.P. had settled on some Kettle Rice. Lance, PuchiPuni Eggs...for some unfathomable reason. Kanna and Burl were chowing on a shared Charbroiled BBQ and Droopy Soda. Aw, they're sharing. Doesn't that sound endearing? Actually, it was because they had challenged each other. Who could eat the fastest? The loser would go hungry. So this potentially endearing moment had turned into a mad scramble replete with flying BBQ sauce and Droopy Soda sloshing all over the place. Which was why C.P. and Lance had chosen to sit down somewhere else. Kanna was actually winning by a long shot. She could really pig it when the need arose.
"Shud dh hrll ub!"
Tsk, tsk, Kanna. You're gonna lose your lead if you get distracted.
Nearby, C.P. was staring grotesquely at Lance as she watched him chew a gap in his stringy-looking PuchiPuni Egg and proceed to sluck it up noisily like a big noodle.
"You know, that's really gross when you do that."
"But you were watching me the whole time, eh? Wanna see me do it again?" he grinned, proudly holding up another egg.
C.P. turned away, glumly poking at her rice with her chopsticks. She began to think that somehow her meal would have tasted better at the other table. This picture of the warrior-girl brooding over her bowl inspired an impromptu haiku from the narrator:
C.P. eating rice
Idiots all around her
It tastes blah today
"I'm glad you're enjoying my misery," C.P. mumbled.
A gust of wind suddenly arose, and a flying sheet of paper ended up slapping C.P. on the face. Irritated, she pulled it off, then discovered that there was writing on it.
"To be continued..." she read aloud. "Eh?"
~ . ~ . ~
To be continued? Gah! Why? Whyyy, for the love of Frelia's green shoes?
Sigh...because time is short, but the art is long - to paraphrase incorrectly from an ancient quote or some junk. Besides, it's time to take a bath and watch some more Minami-ke, dadgummit!
(...No, no those two items are not related. Perverts.)