Episode 11: I Love Ridonc and Roll
Last time, on The Ridonculous Race…
"Our teams got skewered in China! And while they say that love conquers all, a team's hate, or at least outrage, is very effective, too. The Vegans, who have become Fakers, were forced to deal with meat again, and split apart their friendship over this oh-so touchy issue! Their only consolation is that they came in first again, and are still running strong in the Race. On a more positive note, the Sisters and the Reality TV Pros' alliance is still going strong. Rock tried to motivate his bud Spud like a dog with Choco-Oink treats, with mixed success, and they came in last, again. But again, they were saved by a non-elimination round, so they live to fail another day! These twelve proud teams remain, and it's time to send one of them packing. This is… The Ridonculous Race!"
(The opening titles roll)
Cut to Don standing atop the Great Wall of China next to a Don Box.
"Last leg's Chill Zone sits on top of the Great Wall of China," announced Don, "And last episode's winners are the first to grab a tip."
Laurie and Miles stepped up to the Don Box. Laurie grabbed the tip, but Miles snatched it out of her hand.
"Touchy!" Laurie said sarcastically, "Are you going to at least tell me what it says?"
"Depends," said Miles, "Are you going to let me read it?"
CONFESSIONAL
"I still intend to win this Race," said Laurie, "Maybe I am a big liar about my veganism, but that doesn't mean I don't care about animals after all. Besides, Miles ate meat in Iceland, too, so she can't call herself completely innocent, either."
"Very nice, Laurie," retorted Miles, "Thanks to you and that scoundrel, Don, they're now changing our Race name from the Vegans to the Fakers. How do you think our friends and families back home are taking all of this phony crap we displayed?"
"Well, look at it this way then, Miles," said Laurie, "Let's be as 'fake' as we can possibly be, and maybe our 'fakeness' can help us win the Race and still contribute to our causes."
"Who will accept the money from us if we're fakers?" demanded Miles, "Nobody will accept a donation from liars! We've gotta come clean before we win the Race and pay for Save the Humpback Walrus, or at least before we're eliminated!"
"If we can't come clean, then we might as well go to Catholic confession and confess our sins and hope the Lord at least doesn't hold it against us," said Laurie. "But at least I admitted to my false veganism, while you continue to act like you never ate meat. And God doesn't love liars."
Miles huffed in fury.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Miles and other team members are seen reading the first tip. "Fly to Oulu, Finland."
A picture of a Finnish flag and photos of Finland are shown.
"Finland," narrated Don, "Home to countless coffee drinkers, cell phone users, and the most saunas per capita. Which is where the teams are headed. Once they arrive, they're to travel by taxi to this spa, and enter the saunas in its back yard. Why suffer in the cold, when you can suffer in the heat?"
While saying this last, Don is seen sitting inside a sauna with a bear, wearing a towel.
CONFESSIONAL
"Finland is a paradise," said Ennui.
"They have four months of almost total darkness up there," said Crimson, "And Goth music is mainstream."
Ennui showed a picture of a crazy-looking Goth metal band singer on his cell phone.
"This guy ran for office, and won," claimed Ennui.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Teams were trying to wave down taxis in one massive group, but weren't having much success.
Spud took off his shirt and waved it in the air, while hollering, "TAAAAXIIIII!" As a result, he and Rock got the first cab.
CONFESSIONAL
"Rock asked me to step up my game on account of how I tank everything," said Spud.
"I was like, 'Dude,' and he was all like, 'Dude,' and then I was like, 'Dude,' and then he was all, 'Dude!'" said Rock.
"That's exactly how it went down," said Spud with a grin.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
"Take us to the airport," said Rock to the taxi driver.
"Hey! Anybody wanna lift!" Spud shouted.
Moments later, the Goths, the Police Cadets, and the Vegans/Fakers had joined them in the cab, and they were on their way.
"So," said Rock to the other teams in the cab, "now that we've given ya all a lift, maybe we can have a 'ba'yow' alliance, or something, you know?"
"No," said the Goths flatly.
"No way," said MacArthur.
"No thanks," said Laurie.
"Woohoo! Alliance!" shouted Spud. "All right now, heads up, everyone! I'm gullible, get distracted easily, and like, cannot say no to a dare!"
CONFESSIONAL
MacArthur chortled. "Good to know!"
Sanders nodded.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
In spite of the Rockers getting the first cab, Noah and Owen were the first team to reach the next Don Box.
"Woohoo! First place!" said Owen excitedly.
Noah took the tip and read it. "It's an All-In. Teams have to sit in a dry sauna-"
"Awesome!" Owen exclaimed.
Noah continued, "-Fully clothed, at the highest heat for ten minutes."
Owen had started undressing, but quickly got dressed again upon hearing this. "Ha! That's awesome!" he said in dismay.
Cut to Don in his sauna again.
"Each sauna has just enough room for two teams," he explained, "and the ten-minute timer doesn't start until both teams have crammed inside."
Noah continued reading. "After the sauna, collect the next travel tip at the Don Box directly across the semi-frozen river."
A baby seal was seen sitting on a block of floating ice. It suddenly sneezed and slid off the ice into the water.
Owen clapped his hands. "Let's do this!" He started to run to the saunas, but was stopped by Noah.
"Wait!" Noah said. "Mind if we wait for…Emma and Kitty, maybe?"
"Do I mind? Not in the least!" Owen replied cheerfully.
They intended to stay in first/second place with the Sisters, but while waiting by one of the saunas, the Rockers arrived and ran into the sauna, claiming first place.
"We were in first place," said Owen, "Now we're in second place."
"Relax, buddy, we'll get there," Noah assured him.
The Goths arrived next and joined the Rockers in the first sauna, closing the door behind them.
"Third place!" said Owen.
"Still top three," replied Noah confidently.
Then several more teams rushed by and piled into some of the other saunas.
"Now I don't know what place we're in," said Owen, "But it sure is way back!"
Noah frowned. "Okay, seriously, where are they?" he said impatiently. Suddenly he noticed that Emma and Kitty were standing right there, next to them.
"Oh, hey, girls!" said Noah mock shyly. "Let's see, it's two teams per sauna. Hey, look at that! We're two teams!"
"A sauna together, huh?" said Kitty slyly. "Sounds hot." She nudged Emma in the ribs.
Shortly later, they were sitting in the sauna and looking very sweaty and uncomfortable.
"Soooo hot!" moaned Kitty. "How long is it?"
Owen blinked. "Don't you think that's a rather personal question, Kitty?"
Kitty, Emma and Noah all sneered at Owen.
"You stupid git!" said Noah, "She meant how long have we been in the sauna!"
"Oh, sorry," said Owen.
"I think you'd better not say anything else until you can learn a little more classy lingo," remarked Emma, who was really put off by Owen's implication.
"Could someone please just tell me how long it is?" said Kitty.
Emma eyed her balefully.
"All right, I'll say it in better words!" Kitty said. "How long's it been? Ten minutes?"
"One minute," said Emma.
Kitty clawed at her collar.
"So, uh…" Noah started to say.
"Too hot to talk!" said Emma.
CONFESSIONAL
"Just when I think Owen can't possibly get any weirder, he suddenly does," said Noah. "But at least I'm making headway with Emma."
"And all it cost us was our lead," said Owen.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Jacques and Josee were looking extremely uncomfortable in their ice skating clothing.
"Why are ice dancing clothes so well insulated?" complained Jacques. He looked at Josee's lava rock. "You know, your good luck charm thing might be broken."
"Perhaps not," countered Josee, "Right now, our main competition are that little boy and his dweeb father. The heat will destroy them." She grinned evilly.
"Uh, I don't really think of myself as a little boy, you two," said Junior, who shared the sauna with them and his father Dwayne. "And while this heat is intense, I can still-"
"Don't worry, son," said Dwayne, "I won't let those guys get to you."
"Oooh, looks like the kid is kind of a papa's boy," remarked Jacques. "Maybe he can't get along without him."
"Dad, don't baby me in front of the other teams!" Junior implored, "I don't need anybody thinking I'm a weakling!"
"You're not a weakling, son," said Dwayne, "You just need a little encouragement in the courage department, and my manly charm can help you with that." He patted Junior's head.
Junior sighed and huddled back, away from his dad and the Ice Dancers. The Ice Dancers, meanwhile, couldn't decide whether to continue wallowing in the misery of the heat, or to take into account the perceived status of the Father/Son team's strength/weakness.
Don continued to narrate while the other teams were shown in their respective saunas. "As the remaining teams get cooking, some take the chance to unwind, while others take the chance to talk strategy."
In their sauna, Carrie used her sleeve to wipe Devin's forehead.
"Is it me, or is it getting smaller in here?" inquired Devin.
"The heat's just getting to you, is all," Carrie reassured him.
In another sauna, Laurie and Miles looked miffed to be fully dressed in a Finnish sauna, even with the company of the Police Cadets.
"Whomever thought of the brilliant idea of wearing clothing in a hot dry sauna ought to be pulverized," groaned Miles.
"After this leg, whether we stay in the Race or not, I'm going to stuff some raw meat down Don's throat and choke him," said Laurie.
"You carry raw meat around with you?!" Miles exclaimed. "What are you, a polar bear?"
Laurie raised an eyebrow. "And are you a tricky little ape?"
In the sauna the Rockers and the Goths were in, Rock and Spud looked relieved to see that their time was almost up.
"Almost time to jet," said Rock.
"Great," said Spud, "'Cause this heat's getting to me. It looks like those two are melting." He pointed at the Goths.
"Relax, dude," said Rock, "They're totally not-whoa! THOSE TWO ARE MELTING!"
The Goths sat there, as expressionless as ever, but their bone-white Goth makeup was melting and running off their faces. They glanced at each other, and suddenly gasped in surprise and alarm.
The timer buzzed as it reached zero.
"First place!" cried Ennui as he and Crimson hurriedly raced out of the sauna.
"And they're off!" Don said, "Some very fast, others not so much."
Dwayne and Junior walked out of their sauna. "You two really should learn not to dress in ice skating costumes all the time," said Junior.
"I agree," said Dwayne, "It's so unfashionable."
Junior facepalmed.
The Ice Dancers tried to attack them, but the heat had gotten to them so much, they collapsed on the ground, half-outside the sauna, as Father/Son moved on.
In the Sisters' and Pros' sauna, Kitty suddenly noticed a wooden bucket full of water at her feet. She grabbed it and emptied its contents over her head.
"Oh!" she said with relief, "I didn't know dry saunas had water."
"Uh, actually, it isn't water… It's Owen's sweat," said Noah, gesturing at his partner. Owen was sweating excessively, and it was pooling into three or four of those buckets.
"I am a sweat volcano…" groaned Owen.
Kitty shrieked.
A second later, their timer ran out. Kitty was first out the door, screaming in disgust all the way to the river. Noah and Emma walked out next, and were nearly bowled over by Owen, who was desperate to cool off.
Jacques and Josee were practically crawling toward the river. Evidently, the heat of the sauna had almost wiped them out. Jacques was suddenly trampled on the head by shrieking Kitty as she rushed past.
"Well, that was rude!" he said, only to be trampled on the head by Owen a split second later.
The Goths had stopped at the river and were hesitating to jump in.
"There's the semi-frozen river," droned Ennui, stating the obvious, as if stalling at the opportunity to jump in.
Then Kitty bumped into them, and they all fell into the water. The Goths had to swim now. Kitty resurfaced and tried to get Owen's sweat off her skin and clothing.
"Ssssooooo uncleeeaaannnnn!" she shivered, as Owen suddenly joined her in the river. Owen came up encased in transparent ice, his teeth chattering.
Noah and Emma made it next. "Whoa! That looks way too cold!" Emma said.
"Aw, come on, it's not that bad," said Noah, before jumping in himself. He came up shivering like crazy.
"Sssseeeeeee?" he stammered from the cold, also chattering his teeth. But then, he thought of an idea.
"I know. Ride Owen!" he said to Emma.
"Are you sure?" asked Emma.
"Sure, he won't mind," said Noah.
Emma stepped on Owen's iced head. It sank slightly, but stopped just short of freezing Emma's feet.
"See? He's fine," assured Noah.
The four of them continued onward.
On the other side of the river, Dwayne and Junior emerged from the water and stood by the Don Box.
"Go to downtown Oulu and get ready to air out your rock-on," read Junior.
"Oh, don't worry, Junior," said Dwayne, "I won't let anybody hit you with any rocks."
Junior rolled his eyes. "I think they're probably talking about rock 'n roll, Dad," Junior informed him.
"Oh," said Dwayne. "He, he, smart kid!"
When the Goths came out of the water, their long-haired wigs fell off their heads, revealing more shorter, real hair. They didn't fail to notice when they looked at each other, that their skin was much more flesh-colored now. They yelled. Their Goth makeup had all but washed off!
They each looked in a handheld mirror and were even more dismayed. They yelled again.
"My face!" said Ennui.
"Don't look at me!" urged Crimson.
CONFESSIONAL
"We've only been dating for three years, so naturally, we've never seen each other 'un-Gothed,'" said Ennui as he and Crimson wore paper bags with eyeholes over their heads.
"I feel like a corpse that washed up on shore, but in a bad way," said Crimson, as if she was being philosophical.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Laurie and Miles were staring uneasily at the semi-frozen river, shivering half-to-death in their thin hippie outfits after having been in that sauna.
"I've been in saunas before, but never anything like this," said Laurie, "I'll die of shock if I jump in that!"
"The other racers didn't," offered Miles, "But such things have happened before. But there's only one way to know for sure. You go first!" She pushed Laurie into the water.
Laurie reemerged, shivering terribly for a few seconds. Then, with an angry flash of yellow in her eyes, she rounded on Miles. "You crazy tomato!" she growled, grabbing Miles' ankle and yanking her into the water.
Miles came up shivering too. As soon as she got over it, she pointed an accusing finger at Laurie and screeched, "I hate meat so much!" Then the extremely vexed and miffed Fakers swam to the other side.
Rock and Spud had just arrived at that same spot the Fakers previously occupied. They were about to cross, when…
"Hey, Spud!" said MacArthur, from behind them, "Dare you to kiss that seal!"
Spud looked. The baby seal seen earlier was resting alone on its ice block again.
"No, Spud!" urged Rock, "Don't listen to her-!"
"Double dare!" said cunning MacArthur with a grin.
Then Spud got the wrong idea in his head.
CONFESSIONAL
"There's something I've learned again and again," said Spud. "If something sounds like a bad idea, looks like a bad idea, and requires a dare to do it, it's gonna be CRAAAZYYYY!"
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Spud swam over to the seal's ice block and got a little too close.
"Aw, he's just a cute little guy," said Spud confidently. And then…
The little seal leapt into the air and landed, clamped mouth downwards, on Spud's head.
Rock was alarmed. "Whoa! He did not see that coming!"
"Hmm, killer baby seal! That's a new one!" commented MacArthur as she and Sanders swam on.
Spud just stood there as if his head was numb, and he couldn't realize what had just happened.
"Delayed pain reaction over in three… two… one…" counted Rock.
As soon as Rock was finished counting, Spud cried out in pain, and began racing back and forth on the shore Rock still stood on.
This went on for about… twenty minutes or so.
In downtown Oulu, the teams at the front discovered the Don Box near a large stage, with Finnish rock 'n roll fans standing in front of it, dressed and made-up like Goths, ready for some excitement.
Owen was first out of his cab. "Cool! I wonder who's playing!"
Noah took the next tip and commented, "Ah, we are."
Emma and Kitty took a tip too. "Teams must battle it out with Finland's national sport, air guitar. Air guitar?! For real?"
Cut to Don. "For very real. Teams will be judged by this applause meter." He gestured at the meter. "Work the crowd up into a maximum frenzy, and they can rock over here, to the Chill Zone. Bottom out, and it's off to the back of the line to try, try again."
"Whoever didn't pull the rickshaw in China must perform here," said Kitty.
"Uh oh," said Noah unenthusiastically.
Shortly afterward, the teams were trying out the air guitar controls and motions. Kitty was air guitaring, and sounding like a mewling kitten as she imitated music. "How do I look?" she asked Emma cheerfully.
"Like a lunatic," said Emma, "But I think that's what we're going for, so keep it up!"
"ROCK AND ROLL!" Kitty shouted joyously.
Jen was doing her best to act like a rock star, and without much success. "I feel ridiculous. I'm a fashion designer, not a musician. And what's the point of only pretending to play a guitar?!"
"Maybe you have to try harder to adapt," suggested Tom.
"How?" asked Jen. "Am I supposed to slide on my knees?" She gave it a try, but she cried out when her knees were slightly scraped, and collapsed face down on the back stage.
"I… don't think that's a good idea," said Tom.
CONFESSIONAL
"Air guitar," said Noah, "All the coolness of not being a musician, all the lameness of jumping around like a buffoon!"
"Yeah, this one has 'Owen' written all over it," said Owen.
"Don't worry, buddy," Noah assured him, "I'm going to channel my 'inner Owen.'"
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Noah went on-stage first, and began to air guitar for the audience. Initially, he did modestly well, but he glanced at Emma, who looked like she disapproved of air guitar. He looked nervous, and tripped over a power cord connected to one of the large stacks of speakers. The speakers started to fall, but Owen leapt on top of him and shielded him from the worst of it.
The crowd started booing, and the applause meter went way down. A buzzing sound went off loudly.
CONFESSIONAL
"I love who you are on the inside," said Ennui to Crimson, their heads still in paper bags, "But I just can't look at you on the outside."
"I know," said Crimson, "Looking at your perky nose makes me want to vomit."
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Ennui and Crimson stood before Don back stage.
"Sorry," said Don, "Only Ridonculous Race contestants allowed."
"But it's us. I'm Ennui. This is Crimson," explained Ennui.
"That can't be," wisecracked Don, "Because I'm not even remotely creeped out!"
"But, we have a camera crew with us," said Crimson. "See?"
Don looked at said camera crew and said, "Fine, then. I guess that checks out."
Noah was returning back stage with Owen. "I don't know, man," said Owen, "It looks like your crush on Emma just got you crushed."
"Relax, Owen," said Noah, "Sure, we have to go to the back of the line, but we're still in the top three."
Then they noticed that almost all the other teams had just arrived, sans Rock and Spud. Noah counted them and clapped his face. "Ah, crud!"
"Looks like it's my turn," said Ennui, walking up to the stage.
"Good luck," said Noah, "Though I wouldn't recommend you wear that paper bag on your head. You never know what those Finns will think of you."
"I know," said Ennui, "It isn't easy being un-Gothed."
He started to air guitar, quite enthusiastically, but a Finnish fan who spoke some English yelled, "Get off the stage, preppie!"
Booing started, and Ennui looked like he was dejected. An invisible man with a very long crook, like a shepherd's crook, yanked Ennui off-stage with the kind of speed that only exists in cartoons.
Kitty tried it next, but she didn't seem to work up enough enthusiasm among the fans. They threw tomatoes at her face. She glared. The crook yanked her off-stage.
MacArthur air guitared, but not good enough, again. More tomatoes. The crook yanked her back, too.
Junior accidentally kicked off a shoe as he air guitared. Tomato time. Crook time.
Laurie couldn't figure out how to do it. She got a face full of tomatoes, too.
"Nice try!" she shouted. "I'm a vegan. I eat these all the time."
The audience threw dead fish at her.
"NO! Anything but that!" she shrieked.
Miles glowered off-stage. "Hypocrite!" she yelled.
Laurie glared back for a second. "Bring it on, Finnish killers!" she yelled. "I can take it-!"
The crook yanked her back, too.
"It seems no one can air out their rock on," commented Don. "Does that make sense?"
Jacques tried to do a twirl, but he got a nasty shock from the frayed cord Noah had tripped over, and fell down.
"And even when they get a groove on," said Don, "They trip over it!"
"Why are there even wires up here?" demanded Jacques, "This is air guitar!"
Jen attempted to perform well next, but the same Finnish fan from before shouted, "Hey! Another preppie! Get off the stage, tanned broad!"
Jen almost cried. "They don't like my fashion," she thought. "It's so sick!"
"Or perhaps they just lack that special something," said Don.
"Crimson?" said Devin, sounding delighted. "Wow! Your face is so…flesh-colored!"
"I love your hair!" complimented Carrie.
Crimson looked insecure. "You're throwing a lot of positive emotions my way, and I don't know what to do with that."
Carrie and Devin looked surprised to hear this.
"I'm not a preppie," Ennui insisted to himself, "I'm a Goth, even without my makeup." But he still couldn't work up the crowd at all, and they continued to boo him.
"Will anyone pass this challenge?" Don asked. "Seriously, this is pathetic."
Soon, Rock and Spud finally caught up. Spud looked numb and dumb from his encounter with the seal.
"Have we lost yet?" Rock asked anyone who cared to answer.
"No, but I have faith you will," said Josee.
"Air guitar!" exclaimed Rock. "Cool! I can totally do that!" He air guitared right there, until Junior spoke.
"Actually, you can't," Junior said, "You were supposed to pull the rickshaw in China, so it's his turn." He pointed at Spud.
"But he's trying to recover from-whomp!-seal venom or whatever!" Rock protested.
"Well, tough noogies, Rocker," said Josee smugly. "He still has to do it."
So soon enough, Spud was standing totally still in front of the audience, doing nothing. They started to boo, and the applause meter started going down.
"Oh, man!" said Rock, "This is SO over!"
But before the buzzer could go off, Spud's right hand's fingers started to twitch in tune to the music. Then, his left foot started toe tapping. He began nodding half-consciously to the music, and suddenly, he came completely to life. He sprung into action and began a passionate and enthusiastic air guitar playing on-stage.
The crowd began to cheer for the first time. The applause meter began to rise. Evidently, Spud was doing an excellent job.
"Man," said Rock, "I was worried about Spud being all-woooo-and never using his brains, but then I realized that's what makes him so awesome!"
Spud asked to borrow a lighter from Rock. With it, he concluded his performance by igniting a fart from his rear.
The applause meter reached the highest level, and a sound like a police siren sounded. All the other teams were astonished by the Rockers' success.
CONFESSIONAL
"We're allowed to break wind?" said MacArthur. "Why didn't anyone tell me!?"
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Rock and Spud raced to the Carpet of Completion. "And so, the Rockers take first place, for the first time!" Don congratulated them. "There isn't a soul in Finland who isn't filled with joy right now."
"In the meantime," he continued, "with the Rockers' example fresh in their minds, teams amp up their performances with rocking results."
MacArthur imitated Spud's flaming fart after her performance.
Kitty was seen playing her air guitar with gusto.
Jacques played his air guitar with his feet and ankles on two far apart speakers.
Junior did a surprisingly good copy of Spud's movements.
Laurie was still having a bit of trouble.
"Laurie!" shouted Miles, "It's air guitar, not fix your navel!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE, MILES!" Laurie roared, putting some fury into her motions, very un-serene. The crowd seemed to like it. Miles felt like she had created a monster.
"Second place!" Don said to MacArthur and Sanders shortly afterwards.
"Third place!" to Laurie and Miles.
"Fourth place, Jacques and Josee!"
"Fourth AGAIN?!" The Ice Dancers cried.
"Fifth!" Geoff and Brody.
"Sixth!" Dwayne and Junior. Dwayne was pinching Junior's cheek, much to his son's embarrassment.
"Seventh!" Emma and Kitty.
"Eighth!" Chet and Lorenzo.
"Ninth!" Carrie and Devin.
"As the teams check into the Chill Zone," Don continued, "the race for not last falls down to the final three teams: the Reality TV Pros, the Goths, and the Fashion Bloggers. Which pair will be rocked out of this Race?"
Noah was seen failing again. The invisible man with the crook yanked him back stage again. Not one racer knew where that crook came from, or how it, and its owner, vanished so instantaneously after pulling them offstage.
"How did we go from first to last?" Owen asked in confusion.
Noah gave him an 'Isn't it obvious?' expression.
"Oh, right," said Owen. "Well, on the bright side, the Goths seem to be having just as bad luck as we are."
Ennui had just been booed off the stage again. He put his paper bag back on and walked over to Crimson.
"Crimson," he said, "this is just what the world is for us right now. I think I know how to handle it."
CONFESSIONAL
"We're quitting," said Ennui.
Crimson nodded.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
"You're sure about this, now?" said Don, "Because if you quit the race before being eliminated, or before winning, you won't be able to get back in."
"We're sure, Don," said Crimson, "We've just got to learn to accept ourselves for who we really are."
She and Ennui took off their paper bags and managed to smile warmly at each other.
"Alright, then," said Don, "The Goths are cut from the competition. But I must say, this round is still intended to be an elimination round, so after only one team is left on the stage, this will become a double elimination."
"Suits us fine," said Crimson, as they walked off.
"Whew!" said Don with morbid relief. "I won't have to worry about having any more nightmares now!"
On their way out, Crimson and Ennui noticed the Ice Dancers fiddling around with their lava rock.
"Whoa! Is that a Hawaiian lava rock?" inquired Crimson.
"What of it?" said Jacques.
"That's hardcore," remarked Ennui, "Those things cast a shroud of darkness over all who plunder them."
"May we have it?" Crimson asked.
"Your 'good luck charm's' been cursing us all this time?!" Jacques reprimanded his partner. "Well done, Josee!"
"Thanks!" said Josee to the Goths, ignoring Jacques for the moment. "How do we break the curse?"
"You can either sacrifice a virgin, or toss it away-anywhere in Hawaii," said Ennui.
"Hmm, sacrificing a virgin doesn't sound too bad," said Josee, eyeing Jacques.
Jacques recoiled, then glared at Josee.
Josee snorted un-ladylike. "Fine. We'll toss it!"
"Did you hear that?" said Tom, "Even though the Goths just quit, a team's still going to be eliminated at the end of this round!"
"They think I'm a freak," said Jen nervously, "I can't go out there again. They'll take my face off! I'll bring the whole city down on me!"
"Jen," said Tom, "It isn't something to get worried about. We're the trendsetter and fashionista of fashion blogging. So what if those Finnish Goths can't understand our impeccable good taste? Get out there, and show them that anybody can air guitar!" He smiled at her.
She smiled back. "LET'S ROCK!" And she started to return onstage.
At the same time, Kitty was trying to get Emma to give Noah some moral support so he could make it through the challenge.
"Just tell Noah that you think air guitar is cute or something, and then he'll do better!" she urged her older sister.
"No!" insisted Emma. "Then he'll know I like him! We'll end up dating, falling in love, I'll end up losing the race, I won't be able to pay for law school, Noah will dump me, and I'll spend the rest of my life crying into a bowl of cereal!"
"Okay, then," said Kitty reluctantly.
"Noah'll be fine," said Emma, "It's not like Jen's gonna finish first."
"Move it!" yelled Jen at that moment, racing past them. "Time to get my fashionable air on!"
Kitty and Emma watched her go by. Kitty said to Emma, "You have to do something!"
Before Jen could make it onstage, Emma called out, "Jen! Congratulations! I'm so impressed you're doing this!"
"Thanks, Emma!" Jen replied.
"I mean," continued Emma, "with your clean, fashionable clothes, and so many people getting hit by tomatoes up there. It could get you really dirty."
"But," said a confused Jen, "I never got tomatoes thrown at ME before."
"True," said Emma, "But there's a first time for everything, and that crowd looks mighty unpredictable out there!"
Jen shivered at the thought.
"Anyway, good luck!" said Emma good-naturedly, and walked away.
"Uhh," said Jen, suddenly jittery as she returned to the stage. She moved her hands into position to air guitar, but then she imagined that she was getting hit all over by tomatoes and dead fish, dirtying her impeccable clothing and stinking her up. A second later, it happened for real as the impatient crowd began booing again.
"No, please!" begged Jen, "Don't do this to me!" She fell over and hugged herself.
Tom rushed onstage at that moment. "I'm here, Jen!" Then, he noticed the crowd turning their disgusted glares on him.
"Another preppie!" yelled the obnoxious fan from before yet again. "Hey! You look like an idiot with that fez on!"
Tom squealed in shock. "NOOOOOO!" he shrieked, collapsing beside Jen.
The applause meter went all the way down. A few seconds later, the infamous crook violently pulled Tom and Jen offstage with lightning speed.
CONFESSIONAL
"Poor Jen," said Emma remorsefully, "She didn't deserve that kind of treatment."
"Are you sure you mean that?" asked Kitty skeptically.
"Well, I couldn't let Noah get sent home," said Emma, "I like him."
"Tell him!" Kitty exclaimed.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
"Wow!" said Owen. "This might be our last chance!"
"But if Emma's watching, I can't!" complained Noah.
"Oh, come on," said Owen, "You think Emma wants to date a quitter?"
"Maybe…" Noah said meekly.
"Racing with you has been the most fun ever," said Owen. "There's no one else in the world I'd rather eat eyeballs with. But if we get eliminated, it's over for us, and for you and Emma! Is that really what you want?"
Noah was amazed at how smart his partner actually was at that moment. "Gee, big guy, I… I don't know what to say."
Owen shushed him and replied, "You just need to stop worrying about being some girl's hero for a while, and be my hero."
Noah finally returned to the stage one more time. Thinking about Owen's words, he put his best effort into action as the music started playing, and this time, he showed the sort of guts and passion that air guitar players usually shoed when "playing." The applause meter went up. Noah continued his great performance. At its end, Owen came out and lifted Noah into the air as if showing him off. The siren sounded, and Noah and Owen were allowed to "rock over" to the Chill Zone finally.
"Don't tell anyone," said Emma to Kitty, "but, Noah just got me to like air guitar."
CONFESSIONAL
"Aw, good to have you back, pal!" said Owen happily.
"Yeah," said Noah, "I can't believe my feelings for Emma almost cost us the Race. Buddy, I am off Emma for good."
"Yeah-what?" Owen exclaimed. "No, you don't have to do that!"
"Oh, no," Noah replied, "If she was into me, she'd have said something by now. It's time to move on."
ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL
"I didn't realize how much Noah meant to me until he almost left," said Emma. "Taking him for granted all this time was wrong. That's going to change."
"I don't know," said Kitty, "Are you sure he's still into you?"
The Sisters looked at each other, and then laughed together.
CONFESSIONAL ENDS
Tom and Jen were taking turns breathing through a paper bag and brushing off their clothes with little success as Don walked over to them.
"Fashion Bloggers," he said, "You ran a good race, and showed off some interesting trends, some of which are very in, like this." He showed them a fez hat he was wearing. "But I'm sorry; you're out of the Race."
"Yeah, we figured as much," said Tom. Jen groaned.
Cut to footage of Crimson and Ennui racing around the world.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really had a good time on the Race," said Ennui.
"Yes," said Crimson, "Even with the predicament that caused us to quit, it was fun while it lasted."
"And we also learned that we can love the darkness without necessarily having to look dark," said Ennui.
"I should say so," said Crimson.
"I don't think I'll put my makeup back on, on the way home," Ennui concluded.
"Me neither," said Crimson, "It's time we both grew up."
Cut to footage of Tom and Jen racing around the world.
"I guess 'the team to beat' was beaten after all," said Jen.
"Yeah," said Tom, "But even with this embarrassing ending, we had a great time."
"I agree," said Jen, "We showed off our own kinds of fashionable clothing to the world, and we contributed a few details to fashion in the process, all while racing halfway around the planet."
"And I don't care what those weirdos say," said Tom, "Fez hats will become the thing again, all over the-"
Once more, the Finnish fan showed himself. He had snuck back stage, and started taunting the Bloggers. "Take your preppie ways back where you came from, losers!"
"Not him again!?" Jen screamed.
"Run for it!" yelled Tom.
"Yes, you'd better run!" taunted the Goth kid. He heard a voice behind him say, "Security!"
A few Ridonculous Race security guards grabbed him and hurled him out of the stage.
"Sorry," said Don, "but it's my job to reprimand the racers, buddy, not yours. Now, go home!"
The wacko ran away without another word.
"Eight teams are gone, ten remain," Don concluded this episode. "Who will make it all the way? Keep on watching… The Ridonculous Race!"
1st place: Rock & Spud
2nd place: MacArthur & Sanders
3rd place: Laurie & Miles
4th place: Jacques & Josee
5th place: Geoff & Brody
6th place: Dwayne & Junior
7th place: Emma & Kitty
8th place: Chet & Lorenzo
9th place: Carrie & Devin
10th place: Noah & Owen
ELIMINATED:
11th place: Tom & Jen
12th place: Crimson & Ennui (quit)
13th place: Kelly & Taylor
14th place: Stephanie & Ryan
15th place: Jay & Mickey
16th place: Ellody & Mary
17th place: Gerry & Pete
18th place: Leonard & Tammy
A/N: The joke about "How long is it?" and "That's rather a personal question," comes from a Monty Python sketch, the Lifeboat Cannibal sketch, to be more specific. It's a little tricky to explain what the joke meant without risking ruining the family friendly nature of this story, so you'll have to figure that one out for yourself.