Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
Many thanks to my pre-reader SwedenSara and to UKJay and bigblueboat from Project Team Beta for their awesome help.
A/N: The Kiyomizu temple:
suncallmoonbright. blogspot. (c o m)/2008/06/central-japan-day-2-kyoto-kiyomizu. html
You can also find videos, depicting the walk between the love stones, on youtube.
The Torii at Inari Taisha shrine:
farm5. staticflickr. (c o m)/4053/4651271024_9b86545cda_z. jpg
Chapter 7 – Falling and Feeling Again, part I
2011
EPOV
There should be some law that would take care of this. Luxurious hotel apartments should not have pristine ceilings. Not a crack in sight, nothing my eyes could hold onto. I should have taken that economy flight. I should have found a way to avoid this night. I mean it's not like I missed my plane on purpose. But I should have tried harder to get out of here.
It's 3 AM, and sleep hasn't come to me yet. The dread in my stomach is growing no matter how many glasses of bourbon I've had, no matter how many times I've flipped back and forth through the TV channels.
I reach to turn off the bedside lamp, and the whole room sinks into darkness. The vast whiteness of the ceiling disappears, but the night is painting my ebony thoughts into an even darker shade.
Every night my anxiety increases; I've got already used to it. Nothing could prepare me for this, though. Seattle and Obon is a deadly combination; I should have realized that.
I hate these mood swings of mine. They keep coming back since September. It's not depression, no. Jasper hasn't even noticed them. He certainly knows about the September, though. Shit.
My fingers smooth the blanket in a futile attempt to take my mind off the bad memories, but every fold on the blanket cover reminds me of the scar. The scar nastier than it needed to be.
I asked several days later, why he hadn't gone to a hospital.
"I was afraid to leave you," he said.
I'll never get over what I had done.
I pull the blanket away and get up. The room is too small for my nervous pacing, so I give up and stop at the window.
The Space Needle is so similar to The Kyoto Tower from the distance. I should have never come back to Seattle. Singapore is a much safer place; no round tower in sight.
How come the angular skyline of Singapore hadn't kept us safe then?
The window is floor to ceiling, and the view is spectacular. All the people wandering below are not taller than half an inch. This is what I feel like. Small, insignificant, prepared to be crushed anytime.
I shove my hands into the pockets of the hotel gown, and then I slowly lean toward the window, needing to feel the coldness of the glass on my forehead. The glass is spotless, and I can hardly estimate where exactly it is.
It feels like the arms of the night are so welcoming and so within my reach. What would it be like to fall in their embrace? My forehead still hasn't made the desired contact, and my heels are already lifted from the floor. Soon, my leaning forward becomes a real free fall.
I panic for a second, thinking I made a mistake, and the glass is somehow not there. I jerk my hands from the pockets, and when the glass thuds under my palms, I swear. I am not in a bad mood, I am a crazy sicko.
A bitter chuckle escapes my lips then. Doctor Marsha would freak out hearing me. Words like crazy, a sicko, or insane had been taboo in her office. If someone was crazy, it would be her.
But the Xanax she had given me months ago is still working, I think to myself and reach for the bottle.
...
2007
EPOV
"Are we there yet?" I asked. We were somewhere in the middle of a long line of people that was slowly moving up the hill.
"Edward, you are such a baby!" Jasper scowled, but then the corners of his lips turned slightly upward. He'd been in a bad mood since we had left the hotel. It'd taken a lot to persuade him to not return to Tokyo, but to go with his former itinerary. We'd been climbing up the stairs for the last twenty minutes, and I kept trying to brighten his mood the entire time. The rain that had been pouring down for the whole night stopped, and the air was hot and humid.
I knew the stairs were a part of Jasper's evil plan. He intended to keep my body sated and exhausted, so that my brain wouldn't have time to think about anything stupid. I didn't dare to bring up another activity.
So, the plan for today was visiting a temple, whose long name I'd unfortunately forgotten. However, I was sure I would never forget the stairs because there were just insanely too many of them.
"Come on, Edward. With every hundred stairs, you'll get a better view of the city." He chuckled, and I welcomed his teasing. I deserved it. I deserved the never ending stairs too for what I had done to him this morning.
I'd wanted to take a nibble of the already cold breakfast after we'd picked ourselves up off the bathroom floor. Jasper declined and hid in the low armchair by the window. When I came to join him after a while, I found him staring out to our little garden.
I waited patiently for him to notice me. He seemed to be lost in his own world, and I felt guilty for making him so sad. It had been raining for the whole night, and now the rays of the morning sun were playing with the raindrops that were rolling down the window, painting shadowy trails on Jasper's face.
When he turned around to look at me and wiped his cheeks with the palm of his hand, I blinked in surprise — those shadowy trails were gone. They were not trails of shadows, but of tears. I'd made him cry. How could I?
"Have you found anything else to pack?"
"Jasper, please let's not go back." I shuffled my feet and looked down, away from him. I was desperate to hug him and tell him that everything would be fine, but I was too afraid to go and sit with him. He looked so fragile, and I didn't want to make things even worse.
"I know I started the day in a terrible way for both of us, and I can't say how sorry I am. But if we go, I won't forgive myself for ruining your week."
"Edward, don't apologize." He sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair. I watched the strands falling back to his face as soon as he withdrew his hand. Being so far away from him was pure torture.
He rested his forehead in his palm and hid his face from me. "I know that you don't do it on purpose. Depression is a disease; I wouldn't be mad at you if you got the flu either. The thing is, I should be the one who decides what to do to help you with it. I am afraid that you've already lost the ability to deal with it. I would like to see you somewhere safe. Away from whatever works as a trigger."
Then he looked at me again and sighed. "I am also afraid that you are hiding something from me, and it doesn't help either. If you are hesitant to talk to me about it, we can find someone else. But, just so you know, there is nothing you couldn't tell me. I am not leaving."
I averted my eyes from his and looked in the garden. "I promise I'll tell you. But not now." No, not now, I would ruin everything again, and this time there would be no way back. "Please? Can we stay? It's only gonna be a couple of days, after all."
Then Jasper came up with his plan. And I accepted my punishment, as I called it in my mind. The day filled with walking and climbing stairs, filled with physical activity that should keep my brain working properly. Maybe Jasper was right, and my bad mood wasn't just a bad mood. Lately, it certainly didn't feel like an ordinary bad mood. So, I agreed to do anything he wanted if it meant we were going to stay.
And that was the reason why we were here now, climbing stairs.
To tell the truth, the view was nice. We had found a place to sit down in the shade for a while, and we were looking at the city and treetops below. My legs were shaking slightly, and I could bathe in my own sweat. But my mind was bright, and I felt wonderful.
"It's working, you know?" I said.
"What is?"
"Your evil plan to keep me sane. It's strange, but I feel normal. Wonderful in fact. I used to think that depression is kind of permanent, not that you have ups and downs like this."
"It's more dangerous this way. Because it gives hope."
"There can't be anything wrong with hope, Jasper."
"There can when the hope is false. It might go away without medication. But nobody can guarantee you that you will be the lucky one."
"How long has Jessica been on her pills?"
"You are thinking too much; let's get you walking. Get up, old man, if your legs have stopped shaking, or we won't make it until closing time."
So we did. The view from the top of the hill, where the temple was built, was breathtaking. The complex of buildings was large and truly magnificent. There were several large stages of different heights. We could lean against the banister and watch people and forest below, or take a look up to admire several different temples and a tall pagoda.
The main hall of the temple was huge. It had a large verandah, supported by tall pillars that jutted out over the hillside. We leaned against the railing and looked down at the city.
I knew we were high above the ground. If Jasper was right, and my brain was considering suicide, I shouldn't be repulsed by the view, right? I closed my eyes, grabbed Jasper's hand, just to be sure, and with, "I want to try something," I swiftly leaned over the banister as far as I could. When I was facing the ground, I opened my eyes.
I thought I would vomit. I bolted upright, turned around and sat on the floor of the verandah with my body still shaking.
"Damn it, Edward, what was that about?" Jasper was close to yelling.
"I wanted to be sure," I said with a shaky voice.
"Of what? That you'll give me a heart attack one day? You could've just asked me!"
"No, I wanted to know what my mind thought about suicide."
"Are you a lab rat or what? Aren't these experiments a bit dangerous?" He was still mad. But then the curiosity got better of him. "What have you found out?"
I smiled and shook my head.
Jasper exhaled and sat down next to me. "Great. So now I can tell you that there would have been about 80 percent chance of surviving that jump."
"How have you come up with that number?"
"There have been enough jumps to get the number right."
I gaped at him.
"Someone had come up with a brilliant idea that if you jumped and survived, the thing you'd wished before jumping would come true. More than two hundred people have given it a try."
"That's insane."
"Yes. As opposed to your experiment without telling me about your idea just minutes ago."
"How high above the ground are we?"
"About 43 feet. There is even a saying in Japanese, 'to jump off the Kiyomizudera stage.' Its meaning is close to our 'to take the plunge.'"
"That's the name of the temple, you just said?"
"Kiyomizu, yes. Tera means temple. It changes to dera, if it's said together. Let me read you something." He pulled his worn-out guidebook from his backpack. "Here it is: Kiyomizudera ("Pure Water Temple") is one of the most celebrated temples of Japan. It was founded in 780 as a small temple on the site of the Otowa Waterfall by the monk Enchin. One day, General Tamuramaro hunted in this area. His wife was pregnant, and it was common belief during those days, that drinking deer blood had a good effect on easing childbirth."
"Yuck."
"What, you don't think deer blood is delicious? Whose blood would you prefer then?"
"Jasper, if I didn't know better, I would swear you made this up. This is just disgusting. Is there more?"
"Got interested after all, huh?" He smirked at me and licked his lips demonstratively. "Monk Enchin got mad at his general for killing innocent animals, and Tamuramaro repented for his sin by building Kiyomizu-dera and dedicating it to Enchin the monk."
"So the temple is that old?" I asked, trying to get my mind off Jasper's lips.
"Yeah, but it had been rebuilt in the 17th century. They hadn't used a single nail while constructing the temple and the stage we are on now. It was constructed using 139 pillars and 90 crossbeams," he said and shut his guidebook.
"Nice. Remind me to look at it from below. Let's see the rest of the complex."
I liked the Otowa waterfall that was in the complex. There were three thin streams coming from three highly elevated stone founts. People lined up to walk behind the streams, and for a small fee they could use a tin cup attached to a long stick to scoop water from them. The sign at the waterfall declared that you can be rewarded with love, longevity or wisdom, depending on which stream you choose to drink from. However — there is always a however in fairytales — you must have picked out just two streams. If you drank from all three, no wish would be granted. I guessed the gods didn't like greed.
We wandered around the temple enjoying the day. Jasper was leafing through his guidebook, and I was people watching. There were many foreign tourists in the complex, and I enjoyed snatches of English conversation. After hearing an outburst of laughter, I scanned the area for the source. When I heard another one, I noticed the crowd in front of an unusually colorful shrine.
"Jasper, what is over there?"
He looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Something that could probably brighten your mood." And then he mumbled, "At least I hope so. Help me God if I am wrong."
We joined a group of people standing around a small open area with two big decorated stones in the middle. People, mostly young girls in school uniforms, lined up to walk with their eyes closed from one stone to the other. Every time they deviated from the right direction, there was a lot of laughter and yelling from the onlookers. Sometimes they got help from their friends, sometimes the help wasn't necessary. Clapping and cheering erupted every time someone successfully reached the other stone.
"What's the goal?" I asked enchanted by the sight.
"To reach the other one."
"That I can clearly see, Jasper!"
"Wanna try it?"
"Isn't it just for girls? I haven't seen any men trying."
"I'm sure you'll hear a lot of giggling, but it's not just for girls, I assure you. The girls are here probably on some school trip. So, what's the word?"
The stones were quite far apart. I'd have to walk about twenty-five or more steps to reach the other one. It's not going to be easy, but what in my life has been easy lately, I thought and nodded, hoping I wouldn't make a fool of myself in front of all those teenage girls.
I positioned myself in front of one of the stones and concentrated on remembering the right direction. Then I closed my eyes and took the first step. Jasper was right, the girls giggled to no end. I heard a lot of shouting, but I never knew what the people around me were saying. Was I walking in the wrong direction? Have I missed the stone already? The walk seemed to take forever. I suppressed the urge to open my eyes and took two more steps. When I felt sharp pain in my knee and heard a burst of laughter and cheering, I opened my eyes and saw Jasper's grin. I was standing right in front of the other stone.
I waved to the crowd apologetically, to let the girls know that I couldn't join the conversation, and looked at the next one, who wanted to try her luck.
"What have I just accomplished, Jasper?" I grinned.
His face lit up with a broad smile. "This shrine is devoted to Okuninushi, the god of love and matchmaking. It is believed that if you make it to the other stone, you will find your true love someday."
I bit my lip and averted my eyes.
"Oh, come on, Edward. This is good news. Okuninushi must know; he's been around for a long time. Let's go inside."
"What would you tell me if I didn't make it?"
"I wouldn't have let that happen, baby. The rules don't forbid getting help, and I was there. You would have made it, one way or another."
I was glad Jasper entered the shrine before me and couldn't see my face.
There were lots of stalls around the shrine where you could buy talismans or o-mikuji – if you paid the price, you could pick a fortune note and see what future held for you.
"Jasper, what's over here?" I was eyeing a young boy who was throwing pieces of paper into a stream.
Jasper read the sign at the stall and smiled. "Watch the paper."
"Why?"
"Can't you just do it?"
"Fine," I mumbled, feeling silly for watching garbage in water. The boy was doing the same thing, Jasper was too. That makes three crazy people, I thought, no, wait – four. The old man over there seems to be interested too.
Jasper elbowed my ribs to get my attention off the man and pointed to the water.
"It's dissolving!" I watched the paper and then noticed the broad smile on the boy's face. "How come? What does it mean? Why is he so cheered up?"
"A fortune teller. He had written his problems on the paper, and now he knows that they will disappear, just like that paper did. Feeling like you need some paper too?"
Hmm, I thought, that doesn't seem so bad…
But then I noticed that Jasper is close to bursting out in laughter, so I pursed my lips. "Do I look so desperate?"
"Sure you don't. It was just an idea." His face looked horrified, but his eyes were smiling.
"Shut up, jerk." I grinned and moved to another stall.
Some people were writing their prayers and wishes on small wooden plaques called ema, and then they were hanging them at a designated place.
There were small altars where people bowed and clapped their hands, and also a lot of vendors selling souvenirs and different snacks and cooked meals. Jasper bought us big dumplings stuffed with vegetable and meat. They were almost the size of a burger.
We headed slowly towards the main stairs to get back.
"Jasper, you couldn't have chosen a better place for today's trip." I smiled at him. "It was so different from what we have seen so far. It was … spiritual and full of hope for the future," I added, wondering what our future may be like.
Jasper wrapped his hand around my shoulder and squeezed. "Come, we'll run down those stairs. Maybe we can make another trip before it gets dark."
The way down was harsh. I was willing to bet I would dream about moving staircases that night.
...
An hour later, we got out of the cab at a small street with one and two storey buildings. Jasper suggested we should have bought some snacks, just to be prepared if all restaurants along the way were already closed. When we passed by a subway station, I noticed a wide promenade on our right. It was up the hill. No stairs, though. But with Jasper's devilish plan, I was sure there would be some and then more.
"We are heading to Fushimi Inari Taisha. Taisha means shrine and Inari is the god of rice, sake and prosperity. I doubt that we'll make it to the top before nightfall, but there is a lot to see along the way too. I hope you'll like it."
"Is it open after dusk?"
"There is no official entrance; it's just a hiking trail. We could stay all night I guess."
"And what's the point of hiking at night exactly?"
"Edward, come on! We have about two hours left before it starts to get too dark. You'll see why I am dragging you here. I promise you haven't seen anything like it."
Indeed, I hadn't.
The shrine wasn't that far, and we made it there during daylight. There were lanterns hanging at the entrance, and there were also lights lit up inside the shrine. The complex of buildings was quite big and looked spectacular.
But the thing that surprised me was not the shrine itself.
"What is that?"
There were thousands of orange gates scattered in the forest in front of us.
"I told you." Jasper smiled and looked to the forest up the hill. "Those are called torii – the gates. They were donated and inscribed by businesses and by ordinary people thankful for their prosperity. Some are huge, and some are smaller, less expensive. There are about ten thousand of them on the hill. And they still keep erecting new ones."
"It looks like a tunnel." I liked it. Indeed, I had never seen anything like that before. The gates were dark orange with black elements. Some of them several yards apart, some much closer to each other, but all of them, viewed from the right spot, made an illusion of an orange tunnel. The path was mostly paved, with some long flights of stairs.
"This is incredible." It was hard for me to find the right words. There was no practical purpose to erect thousands of gates in a forest. And maybe that was the reason why it looked so magnificent and spiritual.
We had been walking for about an hour, and there was still no sign of an end of the tunnel. At one point the tunnel split in two, each of the new smaller ones going in slightly different direction. There were also smaller shrines along the path.
The sun went down, slowly coloring the tunnel in heavenly colors. Some parts were already dark, while the others were bright orange from diagonal rays of the sun that were also painting bright and shadowy stripes on the ground.
"Jasper, wait. This is just… I have no words." I felt like I needed to stop for a while to absorb it.
"Have you noticed those lanterns above our heads? There are not many of them, I guess they are more for the feeling than for safe walking. I can't wait to see how the path will look like after dusk."
We found that out about an hour later; eerie, spiritual, heavenly, surreal, just about a bit of everything. We had left all other people behind a long time ago and had the hill just to ourselves. I felt like we were in another world, being kept safe from the dark forest by that incredible tunnel that was lit up just very softly. We knew where to go, but we tripped many times.
I was about to ask Jasper how far he intended to go when I saw something that made me stop.
"Jasper? Just curious, but do you know the wildlife around here?"
"See something wild?" he asked with a smirk.
I eyed him with amusement and nodded. "I might. There…" and I pointed into the dark. "What is it? It looks like a dog maybe? It's not moving now."
Suddenly, I had Jasper's arms around my neck.
"Oh, I knew it wasn't safe around here after dusk! I am so scared! Will you fight to save my dear life?" he squealed, and I bet my eyes were big as saucers. Then he let go and cracked up. "So, what does it look like? A fox maybe?"
"Um, maybe?" I still couldn't shake off the overwhelming feeling from his intimate touch.
"Thought so. And it still hasn't moved, has it?" He chuckled.
"Nope."
"Because it's made from bronze. It's a statue of a fox, the messenger of Inari."
"You know I don't want to be the fun killer here, but how come his messengers were allowed to smoke cigars?" I asked, mischievous smile playing on my lips.
"They what?"
Ha ha, Jasper, got you. Your saucers are definitely bigger than mine were, I thought.
"That damn thing is smoking a cigar. Look from over here." I grinned.
"Well…"
"Well? She is, isn't she?"
Jasper had never liked to be fooled. He was up the long staircase in seconds. Truth to be told, I hadn't anticipated his answer.
"She definitely is!"
There was a bronze fox indeed. She had a short bamboo stick in her mouth that served as a water pipe.
"Do you think she would share?" Jasper chuckled and splashed cold water on his face. And then, just like that on my face. "Wake up call, darling! You should have your eyesight checked!"
Thank God, there were no people around. They would have kicked us both out. It should be made clear that the fight didn't turn out well for Jasper. I had him pinned down on the pavement behind the statue in no time. I held his hands above his head and kneeled above him.
"You should have your sharp eye checked, darling!" I smirked.
He laughed out loud, and I watched his chest rapidly rise and fall from the fight and laughing. His face and shirt were still wet. I knew if it was daylight, I would have seen his flushed cheeks. I was surprised at how my body reacted to the thought.
"Jasper?"
"Yeah, baby?"
I felt my lips on his before the idea even crossed my mind. His hands were still in mine above his head, and I wasn't about to let them go.
The moment my lips touched his, I knew how foolish I had been to keep pushing him away for so long. This felt so good, so right. The anger, ever-present during our first days together, was gone, and all I felt was the need to be with him, to never let him go. His lips tasted just like I remembered, and I was quickly losing ground, melting into the kiss and forgetting about the fox, Inari and all the people who may be still wandering along the trail.
But then I remembered him pulling away in the koi garden and keeping his distance ever since, and a pain bolted through my stomach.
Maybe it doesn't feel this good to him? I thought. Maybe he is just afraid to say so? Maybe it's too late. Maybe he is just being polite. Have I just ruined everything? Maybe —
"Why did you stop?"
My gaze shifted from nothingness back to his face. How does he feel? If I ask him, will he tell me the truth?
I was hovering above him on my knees and hands, searching in his eyes, afraid of seeing his rejection. I slowly loosened my grip on his wrists, hoping he wouldn't run away.
"Are you okay with this, Jas?"
When he raised his hand, and the tips of his fingers traced my jaw, I smelled soil and wet leaves.
"More than okay," he whispered. "I couldn't hold back any longer."