"You're never leaving the village again. Or helping me study jutsu. In fact, you're never using any jutsu, of any kind, ever again."
Kakashi blinks. Slowly. His eyelids feel heavy. And he can't seem to turn his head.
"You and I are retiring to the country and becoming farmers. What are your feelings about sheep?"
"Mmragh," Kakashi says.
Sensei's anxious face appears in his line of vision, sparing him the effort of having to move. "You're awake? He's awake!"
Kakashi decides to just lie there for a while.
Time passes in a haze of medics and visitors.
The Yin Seal-Hiraishin combination didn't quite work, except in the sense that he did successfully transport himself and Orochimaru out, almost crushing Gai and freaking him and Anko both out with their abrupt appearance. Orochimaru basically had to invent a new technique to keep Kakashi from dying on the spot, and he had to be evacuated from the outpost by an emergency medical team.
Anko and Gai were barely hurt. Orochimaru broke a few important things when the cave collapsed, but he's made a full recovery in the weeks Kakashi's been in the hospital. He even remembered to send a team in to fill the remains of the cave with plaster, in hopes that, if the Zetsu thing survived, at least it won't be able to get out.
No one died. The world is saved.
"Sheep farm," sensei says, when Kakashi points this out.
Kushina sighs and drags sensei away. Kakashi should tell her how much he appreciates her more often.
Kakashi should have died of chakra exhaustion, and no one's quite sure why he didn't, though they don't put it in exactly that way. Kakashi doesn't mention his personal theory, which is that he has too much practice with it, because he doesn't actually want to spend the rest of his life farming sheep, or whatever you do with the things. Kakashi's not sure he's ever even seen a real, live sheep.
But it does mean he has a long, boring recovery, and then an incredibly long, mind-numbingly boring stretch where he's perfectly fine and they keep him for observation 'just in case.'
He's relieved to finally go back to Kushina and sensei's apartment, to his own room and his own shuriken blanket.
"I'm fine," he insists, as sensei fusses over him and helps him to a chair.
"It's summer," he says, when sensei cocoons him in about twenty blankets.
Sensei covers the table with food, has to get the endtables from both his own and Kakashi's rooms to accommodate all the plates, and would have hovered if Kushina hadn't tripped him into a chair.
Kakashi is so, so tired of hospital food, and decides he'd just be wasting his breath questioning the insane amount of food.
He's just savoring his first bite when there's a knock at the door.
"I heard you're back home!" Gai says, trying to keep his voice down in deference to Kakashi's supposed frailty.
"Totally fine, now," Kakashi says, with his mouth full. "Hungry?"
Gai smiles, a little uncertainly, then more broadly when Kakashi fails to spontaneously combust or whatever he was imagining. "Yes!"
Sensei is just sitting down when there's another knock.
"I saw Gai come up here," Anko says, unapologetically. "So I guessed you made it out of the hospital without more dramatics."
Kakashi smiles. Anko is still Anko, in any universe. "There's food."
She steals the dumpling that's he is currently holding, which he has clearly claimed for himself, and shuffles a dish or two off one of the endtables so she can sit.
"Maybe I should get some more chairs," sensei says.
There's another knock.
He sighs and goes back to the door. "Hello, come on in, I'll just be across the hall, begging for chairs."
Hizashi has enough manners to pretend that's normal, and just nods and comes inside. "It pleases me to see you've recovered," he says.
Anko rolls her eyes.
"Yeah," Kakashi says, still concentrating on eating. "It's a nice change."
Sensei comes back with four chairs and Orochimaru.
"Look who was lurking in the hallway," sensei says, trying to squeeze all the chairs around their small table.
"I do not lurk," Orochimaru says.
Gai chokes on his noodles.
"I have some questions about—" Orochimaru begins.
"Nope!" sensei interrupts. "No questions, no jutsu, no shop talk. This is a welcome home dinner, and congratulations on your recovery, and possibly a send-off to pursue the quieter life of animal husbandry."
"Husband like marrying?" Anko whispers loudly, wrinkling her nose.
Kakashi is saved from having to reply by yet another knock at the door.
"Just come in!" sensei yells. "It's not locked!"
Kakashi actually stops eating for a moment when he sees Obito skulking in the doorway.
Rin appears behind him, whispers something in his ear and shoves him inside. "Hello, sensei!" she says. "We heard the good news, and wanted to stop by and offer Kakashi our best wishes for his recovery!"
She elbows Obito, who mumbles something.
"These are for you," she says, offering Kakashi a bundle of flowers.
"Oh, um, thanks," he says.
"Was I supposed to bring flowers?" Gai asks.
"Won't you sit down?" Kakashi asks. "There's plenty of food."
Jiraiya turns up late, without knocking, and he and Orochimaru actually manage to be civil to each other in the name of enjoying sensei's impromptu feast.
"You're really something," Jiraiya says, two dishes in, when he remembers why he showed up in the first place. Or maybe he heard about the food first and that's why he's here.
"Okay," Kakashi says.
A few more people drop by, just to say hello or confirm the location of their absent children, but all the people Kakashi cares about most are here in this room. Or waiting to be born.
The peace lasts for two whole days, and then sensei finds out that Orochimaru nominated his team for the chuunin exams.
"I'm out of the hospital," Kakashi says.
Orochimaru and sensei are too busy shouting at each other to hear.
"Those last few weeks of rest were totally unnecessary," Kakashi says.
They still don't hear.
He huffs and goes to find Kushina. The exams are less than a month away, he's going to need to work hard to get back into shape.
"You don't have to sign the form," sensei says, hours later when he's tucking Kakashi into bed.
"I don't want to brag," Kakashi says. "But I did take out Uchiha Madara."
Sensei groans. "Don't remind me. I still can't believe that happened."
Neither can Kakashi. He'd never made the connection between Obito's miraculous survival and Madara's, though even with the wisdom of hindsight, he still doesn't see how he could have predicted where Madara was hiding.
"It's not that I don't think you're an extremely gifted ninja," sensei says. "You're smart and brave and disturbingly capable. But… Madara."
Kakashi blushes and hopes it isn't obvious in the dark. "He was mostly dead already," he mumbles.
"I'm not questioning your skill, I just worry. You're growing up so fast, though, so I guess I'll have to get used to it."
Suddenly Kakashi isn't tired anymore. He sits up straight. "Sensei… you know I'll always need you, right? Even if I'm a chuunin? Even when I'm all grown up?"
Sensei hugs him. "I know that. If you think I won't be trying to stuff you with food and fuss over you when you're as old as Jiraiya-sensei, you haven't been paying attention."
Kakashi relaxes very slightly. "Right. 'Course."
Sensei tucks him in again, and ruffles his hair. "'Night, Kakashi. If you're still determined to take this exam in the morning, I'll help you train. I love you."
Kakashi chews on the edge of his blanket, which he hasn't done since he was five. The first time. "Love you, too," he mumbles into fabric.
Sensei pauses mid-motion, half-sitting, half-standing.
A hand brushes Kakashi's forehead, which he doesn't see because his eyes are shut tight.
"See you in the morning," sensei says, voice warm, and Kakashi's face is wet where tears dripped on him.
He doesn't open his eyes until the door shuts again, then stares at the ceiling. He's not sure he really understands how to love someone, but he decided in that cave, that if this the closest he'll ever get, he doesn't want to die without sensei knowing how he feels.
The chuunin exam is in Iwa. Kakashi joins the procession of Konoha ninja in a sort of daze.
"We won't be anywhere near that cave," sensei says. He's invited himself along, even though he decided not to nominate his team. "We're going straight across the Kannabi Bridge; we'll hardly even be in the Land of Grass."
It's just so surreal. Even after all this time in his new life, some things are still absolute truths in Kakashi's world, and one of them is that Konoha's Yellow Flash shouldn't be within a hundred miles of Iwagakure.
He can't even get that worked up over the fact that they are going over the Bridge.
In this time, Kakashi has kind of a mixed reputation in Iwa. His father did start the Third Shinobi World War that one time, but he also stopped it. The two kind of cancel each other out. And Kakashi hasn't done anything personally to get on Iwa's radar, and neither has sensei.
It's just bizarre.
Kushina was not allowed to come. She threw a huge fit, but no Kage and no Jinchuuriki are invited. The treaties are holding, but everyone is still being very cautious with each other.
Kakashi hasn't been able to discreetly find out if it's widely known that Iwa does have a Jinchuuriki of its own, so he just has to hope that there won't be any trouble of that nature.
Or with himself.
Or with sensei.
"Relax, Kakashi," sensei says. "Everything's going to be fine."
"You're not having another bad feeling, are you?" Orochimaru asks.
Kakashi tries to force himself to at least appear less tense. "No, just your run-of-the-mill paranoia."
They arrive in Iwagakure, and are issued travel permits. The permits are only good for certain areas of the village. This is very carefully explained to them.
The Tsuchikage, who is very small and very terrifying, makes a speech that isn't so much welcoming as subtly threatening. The visiting ninja huddle together, not venturing far from their village-mates.
"Perhaps we should go to our assigned quarters," sensei says.
Konoha wants to make a good impression, so they go their quarters and behave themselves.
Finally, Anko, Kakashi and Gai head to the large, generic building set aside for the first part of the exam. They have to show their permits at the door, where they are closely scrutinized and then stamped.
"Huh," Gai says.
It is a ridiculously elaborate stamp, obviously an effort to keep it from being replicated.
Kakashi thinks this is all a little excessive, but then, Orochimaru managed to infiltrate the Konoha chuunin exams once, as well as an entire Suna invasion force.
So perhaps not that excessive.
"I wonder what we'll have to do," Anko says.
Kakashi shrugs. All chuunin exams are different, and they'll find out what they have to do when the Iwa administrators want them to, and no sooner.
Some genin are clustering together by village, and some aren't. Some don't even seem to be sticking to their three-person teams.
Kakashi's team is off by itself. The other Konoha teams are much older, and mostly seem annoyed that rookies are being allowed in at all.
Which is fine, this isn't a popularity contest.
An Iwa jounin opens the door, and the room immediately goes very quiet.
"Pay attention, because I'm only going to say this once. You will be called into the other room one at a time, and be told a secret. I will then set the clock for one hour. You will receive one point for every secret you learn, and lose two for every person who learns your secret. At the end of the hour, your points will be totaled up, and the lowest third will be eliminated. You may not leave this building. Otherwise, anything goes."
She does not ask if there are any questions, pulling out a list and calling off the first name.
Team Orochimaru huddles together, as do many of the other teams, to discuss strategy.
Anko knows a genjutsu that distorts sound, and after shoving another team out of the corner and walking around a bit, she announces that it's safe to talk.
"An interesting challenge!" Gai says.
"So there's no point in telling each other our secrets," Anko says. "It will just be a net loss."
"They won't get anything out of me," Gai says fiercely.
"Actually," Kakashi says, "they didn't say anything about squads. I think they're trying to encourage you to turn against your own team."
There's a moment of reflective silence.
"Well that's foolish," Gai says. "If Anko says sharing our secrets with each other hurts the squad, then I will tell no one for as long as I live!"
"Obviously," Kakashi says, after a moment of wrestling with thoughts of Gai dying. "But we need to be smart about this. We're smaller and younger than almost everyone here."
"Especially you," Anko says.
Kakashi ignores that. "We look like easy targets. And no, Gai, no one doubts your determination, but think about how it looks. We'll be everyone's target."
"I see what you mean," Anko says.
"So I think we should hide," Kakashi says.
Gai gives him a pained look.
"I agree," Anko says. "There must be all kinds of information-gathering jutsu that we don't know about, and the big rooms will just be a mess of fighting. We don't want to get knocked out in the first event."
"This is a big, stone building," Kakashi says. "But it's not disgustingly hot, even in the middle of summer and packed full of people. It must be well-ventilated."
"I like it," Anko says. "Ventilation shafts. A good place to hide."
Iwa hasn't organized this very efficiently, or maybe they're trying to add to the challenge in a subtle way, because it takes forever before everyone has their secret. For Kakashi, at least, it's a line of poetry.
He thinks fondly of Naruto, who probably would have forgotten it and wouldn't have to worry about telling anyone.
"And go!" the administrator says, and the room erupts into chaos.
Kakashi grabs his teammates' arms and they sink through the floor and into the hallway below. It doesn't take long before they find a ventilation shaft, and they duck inside just as a furious firefight crashes into the hall they just vacated.
There's an Iwa chuunin already here.
"You must be checking to see who lets something slip," Kakashi says.
"So are we supposed to fight you, too?" Anko asks.
He taps his clipboard. "There are no rules against it, but I would be very annoyed."
"Come on," Kakashi says, grabbing the back of Anko's shirt. "We want as many people reporting on everyone else as possible. We'll find another duct to hide in."
"But he'll tell people about us!" she protests, but follows anyway.
Everyone in the exam isn't completely stupid, so they do end up in a few skirmishes in these tight quarters. Anko mostly handles that, because subtle fighting and interrogation are much more her style.
Gai complains a lot, and Kakashi hovers over the grate and tries to remind himself that this is nothing at all like being entombed in the rock.
The alarm goes off with none of them having given up their secret, and Kakashi tries to decide whether or not to be surprised when he learns there was no mistake in the rules, you can pass or fail regardless of your teammates' scores.
Most of the Konoha teams end up together, whether they pass or are eliminated, but some of the other villagers have pairs, or even single candidates, going on to the next round.
This is a different village, Kakashi reminds himself.
"Congratulations," the same jounin says, when all the eliminated candidates have left. "Now it's time for the second round."
"Already?" someone asks, from the anonymity of the crowd.
She glares them all into silence, then leads them out onto the roof. There are still a lot of candidates, and it's kind of crowded.
"This is a straightforward survival test. You will go to that mountain," she points to a smudge on the edge of the horizon, "and locate one of the examiners hidden in or around the peak. He will give you a password. You will then return here, to this roof, and give one of them the password. Only the first third of the remaining teams will pass. Yes, I said teams. Even if there is only one of you left in the competition, you will count as a full team for scoring purposes."
Now Kakashi can see the trap. Those who were selfish and thought only of themselves will have a much harder time with this part of the test. And his team did another thing well, because by hiding, they've saved their energy and chakra and are uninjured.
Clever.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" the woman asks. "Go!"
The startled genin scatter.
Some fights break out immediately, but most of the candidates are eager to put some distance between themselves and the competition. It's a long way to the mountain, and there will be ample opportunities for an ambush or a fight much more in their favor.
Kakashi and his teammates are among those to start running. They settle into the easy pace shinobi use to cover long distances, and talk.
"We won't even need to fight anyone," Kakashi says.
Gai looks disappointed.
"I'm not saying we won't have to, just that it's not necessary to pass. That makes me think that the third exam will be physically demanding, and that we won't have much time to rest."
"They usually have a tournament for the last round," Anko says.
"But not always."
Speculating about the exam gives them something to do as they run, look for food and water, and sleep fitfully. It takes two days to reach the mountain, and they don't run into anyone else.
"Let's climb the mountain," Anko says. "More poetic that way."
"Yeah," Gai says, when she nudges him. "Poetry."
Kakashi rolls his eyes, but silently thanks them. He doesn't ever want to see another cave ever again.
It's hard work, the mountain seems to improbably be made entirely of sheer cliffs, but Gai's strength really comes in handy and he helps his teammates reach the top.
"Huh," the Iwa chuunin says. "I don't usually get many visitors. More snacks for you."
"Snacks?" Gai echoes, jumping up.
Kakashi is happy just staring at the sky and panting for a few more minutes.
The examiner forgot to mention that if they're quick enough, the chuunin have food, water, even medical supplies, in addition to the password. For teams that are quick enough.
The password is another poem, and not a short one, either.
Kakashi makes them all memorize it.
"If one of us is incapacitated and has to be carried across the finish line, how embarrassing would it be if they were the only one to know it?" he asks.
Gai mutters to himself the whole climb back down the cliffs.
The trip back isn't nearly as uneventful, because more than one team has decided that beating the password out of another team is a much better use of their resources than fetching it themselves.
It's not a bad strategy, but Kakashi and his teammates aren't easy prey, and Gai has been getting antsy at the lack of opportunity to show off his taijutsu.
"Take that! And that! Haha, I don't even know the password!"
Kakashi rolls his eyes, keeps out of the way while his teammates fight, and patches them up when they're done. He only takes out one candidate personally, when they stumble into his hiding place.
"You shouldn't waste your chakra," Gai tells him after. "I will protect you!"
"I can also fight," Kakashi says.
"Or you could summon those dogs of yours and scout out the terrain," Anko says.
Which is an excellent point, and he really should have thought of that. Kakashi summons his dogs.
They're far from the first team across the finish line, but they aren't the last to move onto the next round, either. That earns them a rest until the last winning team arrives.
Kakashi's trying to decide if it would be better or worse for his sudden nerves to go back to their assigned apartment and check that sensei is okay.
"Kakashi!" sensei calls, snatching him up and hugging him, even though Kakashi is pretty gross after that survival test. "You're amazing! You, too, Anko, Gai."
"Thanks," Anko says, snickering at Kakashi's predicament.
"I sent Orochimaru to get food," sensei says, which Kakashi is very sorry he missed. "I don't know how long a break you'll get, the spectators are already gathering in the arena—oops, pretend I didn't say that—so I thought a bath and some real food would be just the thing."
Anko is very annoyed that Iwa has strict rules against mixed bathing and that she's banished to the other side of the bathhouse. She isn't even mollified when Orochimaru gives her extra food.
Kakashi scrubs off way more dirt than should have been possible to accumulate in five days, then settles in for a long soak.
"Mmm," Gai says, then almost drowns himself when he falls asleep.
They have time to soak as long as they please and eat again before the candidates are summoned to the main arena.
That same woman is there again. It's starting to get a little weird that she still hasn't introduced herself. "This part of the exam will involve one-on-one fights. You will have one chance to show off your skills for our audience. If you win, you might not pass. If you lose, you might still pass, though it's unlikely. This is not just about winning and losing. Chuunin have to go beyond that."
That's the end of her speech, and they gather around and pick numbers out of a hat. There are an odd number of candidates, so three lucky Iwa ninja get stuck fighting a three-person free-for-all.
Kakashi doesn't think he breathes until he see that he, Gai and Anko have different numbers. It saves him from having to decide if it would be helpful or harmful for him to take a dive.
There's a special box set aside for the candidates so they can watch the fights, so that's where they all go.
Kakashi is glad he doesn't go first, because there's a twist. After five minutes, the spectators are allowed to participate, so long as they don't leave their seats.
He doesn't think he'll ever forget the look of surprise when a Suna genin gets a half-empty bowl of soup up-ended over his head. Kakashi's pretty impressed with the aim.
So. Win, but do it quickly, and with a lot of flash.
Gai excels at this, to Kakashi's complete lack of surprise. Kakashi thinks Gai's opponent might be a genjutsu user, but he can't be sure because the poor guy spends five minutes getting his ass kicked from one side of the arena to the other. He finally gasps out a surrender just when the audience is preparing their projectiles.
Anko wins in about twenty seconds. Her opponent leers at her, and she knees him in the groin and spits a cloud of poison in his face. Idiot. Kakashi hopes she isn't penalized for his stupidity.
Kakashi is last. Not last overall, but his teammates have put on a good showing, and he doesn't want to embarrass them, or sensei, or Orochimaru. Or himself.
He checks that sensei is still in the stands, which he's done about twenty times already despite reminding himself that that really isn't necessary, and steps into the arena.
He doesn't recognize his opponent, which probably means it isn't a future elite-jounin, or the Tsuchikage's grandson, or Iwa's Jinchuuriki. He doesn't want to admit how concerned he was about that last one.
The woman is a few years older than him, unsurprisingly, and a lot taller. She's carrying a sword like she knows how to use it.
Okay then.
"Begin!"
She doesn't wait for him to get settled, feet moving as soon as the first syllable is out.
Kakashi puts out his hand, like he's holding a sword of his own, and electricity crackles.
It was Orochimaru's idea, actually. He'd seen Kakashi's Chidori, and heard the story of the exploding tanto from sensei, and asked why Kakashi bothered with fragile metal at all. Which was a very good point.
Kakashi meets her strike with a sword of lightning, infused with just enough chakra to make it solid.
She jumps back before she gets too singed.
Kakashi had spent his first life trying to forget his kenjutsu lessons, then tried to relearn them all at once, then tried to forget them again. He's tired of it.
He's the son of the White Fang, and he doesn't care who knows it.
He flows through the familiar patterns, and she's good, very good, but she isn't used to fighting an opponent with a chakra-infused blade. Or, in this case, an entirely chakra blade.
And that's not all Kakashi can do.
He throws every ninjutsu he can think of at her, all five elements, one after the other. Nothing connects, but that's not his goal.
It's all distraction, with a side of showing off for the audience.
He finally sees an opening, and drives his sword into her shoulder, which twitches a few times and then her hand opens and she drops her sword.
She narrows her eyes at him and throws a brace of shuriken.
He knocks some of them out of the air, dodges some more, and catches the last on his forearm.
He calmly takes it out and heals the cut.
"Oh, come on!" she says. "You're a medic, too!?"
She acquits herself well in the ensuing taijutsu battle, especially with one arm hanging useless, but he hits her other shoulder with a glowing green hand and it stops responding.
She flops her arms a bit, then glares at him. "I forfeit."
He offers her a polite salute, and fixes the shoulder he messed up with his medical ninjutsu.
But not before checking that sensei is still okay. He can't get out of Iwa soon enough.
Orochimaru is smug. So smug that Kakashi kind of wishes he'd lost on purpose, just so he doesn't have to look at his smug face.
"Yeah, yeah," Jiraiya says. "Your whole team passed, huzzah, let it go already."
"Ahem," the Sandaime says.
Everyone ignores him. Which is to be expected from Jiraiya and Orochimaru, really, and with sensei trying to mediate between them, well, Kakashi at least isn't surprised in the least that no one's listening.
Kakashi adjusts his brand new chuunin vest. It's stiff and uncomfortable, and he knows that a few hard missions will fix that, but that's not in his future. Maybe he'll look into one of those custom uniforms.
Sensei tried to be tactful, so Kakashi ended up dragging Orochimaru over to their apartment to explain. Kakashi has definitely passed, he is definitely a chuunin, but Orochimaru has submitted an official recommendation to his file that Kakashi not be sent out in the field.
This is perfectly fair; Kakashi never truly overcame his panic every time he left the village, his mind filled with what-ifs, and the Madara mission could have gone very differently if he'd frozen as completely as he had in the cave.
Once, Kakashi would have been devastated by this restriction. It's certainly what sensei expects.
Weirdly, it's Orochimaru who is the most comfort. He isn't contemptuous or condescending, and Kakashi knows that he wouldn't bother to hide it if he was. He isn't disgusted by Kakashi's weakness.
Danzou is dead, Madara is dead, Obito is alive and sane, Konoha is safe.
And Kakashi is due to begin his apprenticeship at the hospital next week, and he's already been invited to join two different research teams. Not just as a courtesy, either; the team leaders came to blows over who would get him. He has a place in this village.
He'd be researching right now, actually, but the Sandaime called this meeting, and while Kakashi isn't technically invited, he was with Orochimaru and sensei when they were summoned, and he's curious.
"I have news," the Sandaime says. Loudly.
His students continue squabbling.
The Sandaime sighs. "I want you to know that I've decided to retire."
That shuts them up.
"It's time to choose a successor," the Sandaime says.
Kakashi has a moment of utter panic before realizing that he's not even supposed to be here and there's no way he's a candidate. Yet. Or ever, if he has any say in the matter.
"Not me!" Jiraiya says, backing away slowly.
"Absolutely not," Orochimaru says.
The Sandaime looks hopefully at sensei.
"First," sensei says, "no. And second, when Kushina finds out you had this meeting without her, she's going to be furious. I hope you plan to retire very, very far from here."
"Ah," the Sandaime says.
"Well that's that, then," Jiraiya says. "Kushina it is."
"The Council has indicated that she is not sufficiently experienced for the position at this time," the Sandaime says. "It has to be one of you."
They look at him.
He looks at them.
They look at him.
"It's a great honor," the Sandaime insists weakly.
Kakashi finds a chair and settles himself comfortably. He's glad he didn't miss this.