Author's note: Another theme chapter coming your way. This time, it's Toby and his smell.
61. Toby must do his own laundry
Alvin: Even I can't stand the smell
Simon: I thought he was homeless when we first met him
Theodore: I think he's worn the same clothes for a month
Brittany: Do you know how many air fresheners we had to try to mask his smell?
Eleanor: Surprisingly, Pine-scented floor cleaner works best
Jeanette: ...but is terrible for the respiratory system*
Alvin: His clothes smell worse than him
62. Toby must wear cologne or body spray between showers
Eleanor: I'm not sure if he or the cologne smells worse...
Brittany: He wears Obsession for Men by Calvin Klein, which attracts cats**
Alvin: And that's the best smelling cologne
Simon: Is that the reason why he reeks of cat?
Jeanette: Most cologne won't mask his smell. He emanates smell, much like Pavel Fyodorich Smerdyakov***
Brittany: Have you met him?
Simon: He's fictional
63. Do not use the iSmell app on Toby
Jeanette: We made the application just for him
Simon: It detects the density of body odor, the kind that only comes when dirty
Jeanette: We use it to check his cleanliness
Brittany: Since when is Toby clean?
64. Do not pick up any of Toby's stray socks
Alvin and Brittany: ?
Jeanette: Those things are torture devices
Alvin: You've been in one?
Jeanette: Yes
Brittany: I'm grateful that most socks are stretchy. Our little siblings can actually fit in them
Eleanor: It's very tight in there, I could barely breathe
Alvin: You're being a drama queen
Jeanette: She went to the vet for asphyxiation after that
Simon: Eleanor was on a respirator for a week
Alvin: For some reason, Theodore is terrified of smelly socks
Simon: You put him in one, didn't you?
Alvin: I didn't do it
65. Toby must wash several times when he showers
Toby: ?
Brittany: ...with lye soap
Simon: ...then bathe in acetic acid when he is finished
Alvin: ...start all over again
Eleanor: ...continue until skin is extremely irritated
66. Monitor Toby when he showers
Simon: What did I say about going in there?
Alvin: That rule only applies to Dave
Eleanor: Believe it or not, he's in his 30s and cannot shower by himself
Theodore: I've had to help Eleanor and it's gross
67. If Toby left food out, don't touch it without wearing a hazmat suit
Eleanor: It could've been there for weeks
Brittany: It smells terrible
Jeanette: Horrid would be a better term
Simon: I will get the protective gear
Jeanette: We don't even have protective suits****
Simon: We have gas masks with oxygen tanks, which is the amount of protection we would need
68. Toby must get off his bottom for an hour a day
Alvin: ^blows whistle while wearing a track suit^ Gimme twenty!
Brittany: I don't know what's more annoying, the whistle, or that Alvin can pull off gym teacher clothes
Toby: ^still lying prone on the floor^
Alvin: ^blows whistle again^ I said gimme twenty!
Simon: Should we try having him stretch first?
Alvin: ^blows whistle^ Gimme twenty!
Eleanor: What Toby's doing is yoga class compared to the exercise Alvin makes Theodore and I do
69. Toby must eat vegetables
Toby: ?
Eleanor: I like vegetables and eat them. You can too, Tobes
Toby: ^pinned down to table^ I hate vegetables
Eleanor: Well, these are curried vegetables. Eat them
Toby: No!
Eleanor: ^shoves vegetables into Toby's mouth^ They don't taste that bad
Brittany: Stop eating his veggies, Eleanor!
70. Toby isn't allowed to have Mountian Dew or any soda for that matter
Toby: ?
Jeanette: Can you guess how dehydrated he is?
Simon: Liver failure?
Jeanette: Not yet. One of his kidneys already stopped working, and his pancreas is very close*****
Alvin: So, when does he die?
*For rodents, the flammable compounds that give pine its smell are dangerous to inhale. Long-term exposure can cause respiratory problems
**'Tis the first perfume I could think of. That perfume has compounds that mimic hormones found in civets and felines. As prey animals, the chipmunks would be terrified of that smell.
***A major character in Dostoevsky's The Karmazov Brothers, who is identified by his filth and epilepsy. The surname, Smerdyakov, is derived from the Russian word for smell. When he tries to polish up and smell nice, it doesn't cover his smell.
****I took this line from the new cartoon, in the episode The Tree House. Alvin asks about a hazmat suit before going to see what chemicals were being used to kill the tree. Simon doesn't have any, so they go outside in snorkelling gear.
*****Liver, kidney, and pancreatic failure are symptoms of sever dehydration via soda consumption. Dry skin and heart problems are also associated with it. The heart problems and pancreatic failure are from the sugar and caffeine in a non-diet soda.
Author's note: Please send me more rules!