Hi guys! Totally forgot I had this chapter in another document and forgot to put it in. This is meant to go right after the twins were born. This is one of Marcus's anxiety attacks. I wrote about it in another chapter and realized I forgot to post this one. Another thing. Hopefully you understood the little bit of Trigedasleng(grounder language) I put in the last chapter if not, Private message me and I can translate. Sorry! Enjoy!
Abby was startled awake when Marcus jumped. Her head was on his chest and she lifted it to look at him. He was covered in sweat. His breathing was shaky and rapid. She put her hand on his cheek and traced his jawline with her finger. "What is it?" She whispered. He sat up and she adjusted herself so she her back was resting partially on his back. He pushed his hair over his head and out of his face and let his head fall back. "Marcus." She looked up at him again. Their legs became tangled under the blanket.
"It's them." He looked at the foot of their bed where the twins slept. "It's all them. Everything is them. Every night I dream…...I dream of someone taking them or them getting hurt or in pain and I can't do anything. I can't do a single damn thing to help them and then there's you. I dream that one day you'll realize I'm the one that killed your husband and the one that wanted to kill you too. Multiple times. I'm scared you'll realize you are having a murderer raise your children and you'll leave. You'll take them and you'll leave." Marcus raised his knees and extended his arms to rest on them.
"Marcus…" Abby took his hands in his and kissed them. He placed his head in her chest and stayed there. Abby played with his hair and held him. "That will never happen. I fell in love with a man who was headstrong. A man who wouldn't give up and when he told me about the Ark, I knew. I knew it was a death sentence. It wasn't your fault he did what he did. Marcus. You thought what you were doing what you had to do to survive.I never thought I would find love again and frankly didn't want to." Her vision became blurry as she let tears fall from her face. "But I found you. You were...you are my light. You guided me out of such a dark place in my life and I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I love you Marcus. And I will never stop." She kissed his head and he looked into her eyes.
"I love you. You're the best things that's ever happened to me and I mean that. But what if I'm not meant to do this. What if I'm not fit to be a dad?" The look of regret was plastered on his face.
"Marcus where is this coming from?" Abby wasn't sure what was going on. Her head was spinning. "What are you saying?" Was he breaking up with her?
"I don't know…..I don't…" He opened his mouth but no words came out. A tear fell from his face. He inhaled.
"Kane….." He looked up sharply. She never called him that. At least not since the Ark. He couldn't tell what was going on. "No. No I'm not doing this. Not now. Not after everything." Abby threw the blanket off of her and began putting her shoes on. She walked to the door and began to open it.
"I don't want to mess up. I don't want to mess up. Okay. Please don't leave Abby. I'm afraid I'm gonna screw their lives up like I've screwed up everyone's around me. Every relationship I've had, has crashed to the ground because of me and I can't do that to them." His voice cracked. Hearing himself say it out loud. "I pushed my mother away for years when I joined the guard. I had you and Jake and I pushed you away because I was power hungry. I had Callie and I pushed her to sleeping with another man every night. Now I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm gonna screw it up with you and with them and I can't have that happen. I can't. I would die without you and Vera and Jake and Clarke, Octavia, Raven and Bellamy and….and...Monty and Jasper in my life. Vera and Jake are so small. Whenever I hold them I'm afraid I'm going to drop them or hurt them. Clarke is trying to maintain peace and prevent a war. Raven is broken, she's so hurt and needs us. Bellamy is lost. He's so confused and I don't know how to help him. Monty and Jasper won't even look at each other. And Octavia is having a baby and she still just seems like that 15 year old girl I arrested for being born." His voice cracked. He let tears roll down his face as he rubbed his chin. "You are my wife and they are my kids. I can't live without you or them." Marcus began to cry silently. His face fell into his hands."Abby…" Abby turned around and saw the tears falling onto the bed sheet. As she was walking back over to him, she took her shoes off. She sat on the bed in front of him and framed his face with her hands. He grabbed her hands and pressed his face harder into them.
"I love you. I swore to you that I would always love you. You could never do anything to ruin this. I married you because you are the kindest and most compassionate man I've ever met. You will do anything to protect your people. You will do anything to protect your family. With everything we've been through. I don't know or care what else is going to be thrown at us but I know we can survive. And thrive. And now we have kids to help solidify that. I will never leave you Marcus Kane. because I love you." She kissed him and they touched foreheads. They stayed there as Marcus began to talk.
"Before, I could screw up and it only affected me. My decisions only affected my life. Then when we got married my problems became your problems and vice versa and we both agreed to that. That's what marriage is. But them." He pointed to the crib. "They didn't agree to any of this. They didn't sign up to have the Chancellor for a dad. They agree to the terms and conditions of our relationship. If I screw up. It affects them now. If I take a wrong step, I could break the coalition and have a grounder army marching on us. I can have an army twice the size of the population of the Ark marching on us. I can't do that to them. They are my everything now. And if anything happened to them. I don't how I could live with myself." His eyes glistened in the moonlight and Abby stared into them taking in every word he said. "I can't be like him. I can't."
Abby looked at her husband. "You will never be like him. Your father was a deadbeat. A rat that got drunk almost everyday then came home and beat you and he threatened to beat your mom if you screamed. His demons chased him down and got to him and he floated himself. He floated himself because he couldn't live with what he did. You love these kids with all your heart. That's all you can give them and they will love you back. Not just Vera and Jake but all of them. Clarke and Bellamy and Octavia, all of them love you back. You would never give up on them. I know you and I know that you will never give up on anything. Especially your family. Our family. Marcus. Don't be scared. I'm here and I'm never leaving. Come here. It's okay." She put her lips on his and they stayed there for God knows how long. Marcus deepened the kiss and they released. Marcus lay back down and Abby placed her head back on his chest. The rising and falling of Marcus's chest soothed Abby. His steady heartbeat lulled her into a trance. Marcus began to calm down as he saw Abby's head rising and falling on his chest. The smell of her hair overwhelmed his senses. He loved her. God he loved her. She grabbed his hand and kissed it. "I love you Marcus Kane and I am never letting you go."
Marcus waited until he was sure Abby was asleep until he got out of bed. He got up and slipped his shoes on. He walked over to the crib. He looked at his sleeping babies. Jake started to fuss. "Shhh….Its okay little man…...Mama needs sleep…..let's let her be." He kissed Jake. He bundled them each in a big blanket and watched as they stared in wonder at the world around them. Abby had opened her eyes but hadn't said anything. She watched as Marcus picked up their newborn children and walked out the door. She quickly put on her shoes and followed close behind him. She was afraid. She didn't know what he was going to do. When she made it to the main door, she saw Marcus standing, rocking his hips, in the moonlight. Her fear fled. "For my entire life, I used to look from the stars down to Earth. But here I am looking from Earth to the stars. But Heaven. That's a different story. I'm not there and haven't been there yet but I know. I know I have 3 angels, sent for me to protect, that I will never let go." Abby walked closer to him and wrapped her arms around his middle. She inhaled. His spine tingled at her touch. He looked over his shoulder at her. Her chin was on his shoulder while she was on her toes.
"Marcus…" She kissed him lightly. "Tell them the one about the Doctor and the Guard." She smiled as she rested her cheek against his back.
"Once upon a time, there was a Doctor and a Guard who lived in a castle in the stars. They didn't like each other and they fought about everything. But one day, the castle could no longer be in the stars. So the Doctor sent her only daughter down to Earth to try and save everyone in the castle. Her daughter sent a message to the castle saying it was safe for them to come down. The castle was preparing to come to Earth when a mean lady took part of the castle apart and stole the Doctor. The Guard became very sad and thought he had lost Doctor forever. But when he found out that the Doctor may still be in the castle, he ran as fast as he could to try and save the Doctor and the people around her. That was when he realized he loved her. But he never admitted it to anyone nor did the Doctor. The Doctor and the Guard became closer when the castle came to the ground. But the Guard was forced to hurt the Doctor. That made him very sad but after that, he apologized to the Doctor and he tended her wounds. They began to fall in love. One day, the Mountain Men came and took the Doctor and the Guard. They began to hurt the Doctor and this made the Guard very angry. But the Doctor's daughter saved her mother and the Guard. After that, the Doctor needed help so the Guard stayed to help as much as he could. The Doctor thanked the Guard with a kiss. The Doctor then became the Queen of the castle. It was then that the Guard asked her to marry him. They loved each other so much that they decided to bring a little prince and princess along for the ride. The Doctor gave up being Queen so the Guard could become the King. They loved their prince and princess with all their hearts. And they all lived. Happily ever after." He kissed them each on the head and then leaned back and kissed Abby. Abby took Marcus's hand. They walked to the open clearing just past the main gate. They laid down and each had a baby on their chest. They held hands and stared at the stars until the sun came up. "I love you and I'm never letting you go."
Please review! Hope you enjoyed. I'm glad I remembered because this was one of the most fun to write.