A/N: Again, this chapter was hard for me to write because of how closely I relate to the contents. Not everything is always happy go lucky, so I hope you guys don't hate me for this chapter. As always please leave me a review and let me know what you think.
Two weeks later finds me standing at my bathroom sink, staring at my reflection in the mirror, trying to prepare myself for what the results will be. Elliot is just on the other side of the bathroom door. I wanted him close by but I also wanted to see the results for myself first. The timer on my watch goes off indicating that the results should be ready. I take a deep breath and exhale before looking down. I take the test in my trembling hands, only to find a big, fat negative sign staring back at me. I throw it in the trash, not being able to stand the sight of it anymore.
I grip the sides of the sink with a death grip and stare at my reflection once again. Tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I can see anger and frustration flash across my face. Before I can stop myself, I swing my arm across the sink, knocking everything on it to the floor. Somewhere in the background I hear the door being slammed open. As I start to fall to the floor I feel a set of strong arms envelope me.
I feel him pull me into his lap, as he is leans against the tub. He holds me close as I bury my face in the crook of his neck. His fingers tangle in my hair and he places a tender kiss to my forehead. He rubs my back soothingly as he gently rocks us. He is trying to calm me, but I can't seem to shut off the tears.
"Shhh...it's going to be okay." He whispers soothingly.
After what seems like forever I finally reign in my emotions enough to breathe. I notice Elliot's dress shirt all rumpled and tear stained.
"I'm sorry." I whisper looking up at him, my lip starting to quiver again.
"Livvie, you don't have to be sorry for anything. You don't always have to be strong. I will always be here to catch you when you fall." He says wiping away some stray tears.
"And I love you for that. I just thought...that since you never seemed to have any problems before, that it would be easy to get pregnant." I look away ashamed
"Babe, just cause it's easy for one person doesn't mean it's easy for everyone. We will keep trying till it happens, that I can promise you." He says brushing the hair out of my face, so he can look me in the eyes.
I have no words to describe my feelings at this moment. I lean up and touch my lips to his in a tender but passionate kiss. I pull away and he makes a groaning noise as he tries to stretch his legs out.
"Do you mind if we get out of the floor?" He asks
"I guess we can." I say after yawning
"Someone needs to go back to bed." He says as we both get up.
"El, I just need some coffee and I will be fine." I say as I head for the kitchen
"You're in no shape to be working today. I will tell the captain that your taking a personal day and then I want you back in bed." He states stopping me
I am in no mood to argue with him after my outburst and I do feel emotionally drained.
"I will go back to bed if you will do one thing for me." I tease
"And what might that be?" He asks pulling back the blankets
"Lay with me, just until I fall asleep." I say getting into bed.
He pulls the covers over me and lays on top of the covers beside me. I snuggle into him as he wraps one arm around my waist.
"I love you, Livvie, and I promise somehow I will give you a child." I hear him say as I drift off to sleep.
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I awoke a couple hours later feeling like I had rocks in my head. Probably from all the crying I had done earlier. I decided a nice, hot bubble bath was just what I needed. As I walked into the bathroom I stop and smile. I have noticed that Elliot took the time to clean up the mess I had made earlier. I run the bath water and pour some lavender bubble bath in. I light some candles around the tub and return to my room for my phone.
As I sink down into the hot water, I can feel my muscles start to relax. I lay there for a few minutes just breathing in the scent of the lavender. I hear my phone vibrate and I reach to the floor to pick it up. It is a text from Elliot.
*Hey Beautiful, just wanted to check in on you, but didn't want to wake you if you're still sleeping.*
*Soaking in a hot bubble bath. Wish you could join me. 😘😘* I reply trying to sound seductive.
*Wish I could too, unfortunately I have a ton of paperwork to finish.* Came his reply
I decide to tease him a little more. I pose myself seductively with my head laid back against the tub and my left hand using my sponge to spread soap across my chest. I send the pic to him.
*God, Liv…* is all he says.
I can imagine his flustered reaction. I can see the flush creeping up his neck to his face. I laugh to myself, knowing how his body reacts to mine. I have no room to talk tough, cause just the thought of him stirs something low in my belly.
*See you when you get home. Love U* I say
*Love u too, babe* he replies
I soak in the tub for a little while longer, till the water becomes cold. I throw on a pair of gym shorts and tank top. I turn on the tv for some background noise as I prepare myself some lunch. Some mindless daytime drama is on. For some reason, all I catch from it is that someone is announcing a pregnancy. I feel tears prickling my eyes as I immediately turn the tv off. Why did that have to be on today of all days?
I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. Why did I think I could do this? Why would I ever think I could be a good mother? God, just doesn't want me to be happy. The one thing I want more than anything and I can't have it. I know it was only the first time I have tried to get pregnant but I have wanted a baby for so long and now that my dream of becoming a mother is within reach I still can't help but think that the gods are working against me. I see all these women having babies that don't want them, yet I can't have the one thing I covet most. Why is that? It's just so unfair.
I suddenly look around at my surroundings and notice that I am sitting in my kitchen floor sobbing once again. I am leaned against the cabinets. I breathe deep trying to gain control over my emotions. I was so lost in my thoughts and emotions that I don't remember sinking to the floor. I slowly stand up and make my way to the kitchen sink. I splash some water on my face and take a couple more deep breaths.
After finally getting my emotions under control, I finish making my sandwich for lunch. After lunch I decide to curl up on the couch with a book.
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Around 6 o'clock I hear the key in the door and look up to see Elliot walk in. He is carrying a bouquet of white roses, which he knows is my favorite, and a small gift bag. I greet him, in the kitchen, with a kiss.
"Thank you. They're beautiful." I say taking the flowers from him.
"I knew you had a rough day so I just wanted to do something nice for you." He says toeing off his shoes and loosening his tie.
"What's in the bag?" I ask curiously as I set the flowers on the counter.
"Come sit with me." He says taking my hand and leading me to the couch.
He sits on the couch and pulls me into his lap. Once we are comfortable he places the gift bag in my lap. I pull out some tissue paper and throw it beside us. What I pull out next makes my eyes mist over and my breath catch in my throat. In my hands I am holding a beautiful, silky, brown teddy bear. I look from the bear to Elliot.
"I know it's kind of premature but I wanted to buy you something to show you how much faith I have that we will soon be welcoming a healthy baby into our life. I want this bear to remind you of all we have to look forward too." He says sweetly.
"Oh...El. I love it so much. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, but I love you." I say leaning my head against his shoulder.
He wraps his arms around me, squishing the teddy bear between us. He leans down and tenderly touches his lips to mine. It's a long, slow, gentle kiss. He pulls away, then places a kiss to the tip of my nose. I feel his lips touch my forehead in a kiss that seems to last forever. He finally pulls back and rests his chin on my head, while I bury my face in his neck.
"Olivia Margaret Benson, I love you with every fiber of my being and I can't wait to make you the mother of my child." He says into my hair.
My heart is so full of love for this man that I feel like it could burst at any given moment. I have no words to express how I am feeling, so I just sit silently and savor the moment.