The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas
Chapter 7: Snow Day
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Christmas or anything else.
Summary: Snow angel competitions, fatal car accidents and sledding down Uchiha Hummer Mountain. These are a few of my favorite things.
For some reason, Deidara set his alarm clock for 5 o'clock in the morning. He wasn't feeling well because of the fruit cake his left hand had eaten the day before, and seriously considered sleeping in until twelve.
However, it took him at least an hour to wake up….and then he had to do his hair.
Plus, since he had to share the same bathroom with five other people, he either had to get up early to beat the morning rush, or sleep out in the hallway in front of the bathroom door, waiting for Kisame to finish swimming in the bathtub.
Regardless of the state of his health, Deidara simply had to get up. So, when his alarm clock went off at the ungodly hour, the explosions expert blew it up (he went through 365 alarm clocks a year) and rolled out of bed.
He didn't see Sasori, but then again, Sasori's bed hadn't been slept in since that incident where Hidan planted termites under the sheets. There were creaking and spraying noises coming from the closet, so Deidara figured his Danna was in there, doing what, Deidara didn't quite know.
But he had a few ideas. Very naughty ideas. Those ideas would keep him company in the shower. (Wait…what? Quit trying to get inside Dei Dei's head. Those are private thoughts, un!)
Deidara, as expected, was the first one up to use the shower. He spent forty-five minutes on his hair…another half an hour on washing up his body (this is the part where those naughty thoughts came in handy), and ten minutes washing out the mouths on his palms.
Hey, clay is hard to wash out, un!
At one point the intensely hot water made him woozy, and he nearly threw up while showering (ew), but he managed to hold it in. Poor thing spent enough time hacking his brains out the night before.
When the showering was done, Deidara spent forty-five minutes blow drying his hair and arranging it just right. He probably has the most complicated hairdo in the entire Naruto universe, and it has to look exactly the same every time.
After brushing three sets of teeth, plucking his eyebrows, tweezing his nose hairs and applying eyeliner to his gorgeous azure eyes, Deidara was ready to face the world.
When Deidara crept downstairs to make coffee, he found Tobi sitting on the love seat in the living room, staring out of the window and kicking his heels like a child.
"Hey, Tobi," Deidara said in greeting. The basketball head turned and bounced onto his feet.
"Oh, good morning, Deidara-senpai! Isn't it wonderful? It's snowing!"
"Un…it's been snowing off and on for the past month," Deidara murmured, unimpressed. He needed to get at least three cups of coffee in before he could properly handle a conversation with Tobi.
"But it snowed a lot! The Hummer looks like a mountain!" (Remember, there's an upturned Hummer in the yard from the attack of the Christmas Carolers still.)
"Humbug…Mountain Dew…un…" Deidara mumbled in his caffeine deprived state and turned on his heel to the kitchen to fix himself up a great big mug full of Konoha Krystal Koffee.
At around nine, everyone else was up and about. Everyone gathered around the table for a proper breakfast for once. Pein and Tobi cooked and chatted happily about all the fun they were going to have in the snow today.
After everyone had eaten, Zetsu came in the house, royally pissed because he'd fallen asleep last night with his fly trap open and was up to his eyeballs in snow. Itachi and Kisame were hired to sort the plant man out.
"I fell asleep first, why did you leave the trap open?"
"I thought you wanted the fresh air…I don't know what you're bitching about…I found it exhilarating…"
"You were trying to kill us again, weren't you?"
"…how dare you insinuate that I could possibly be simultaneously suicidal AND homicidal!"
"Both of you stop it," Konan said to the plant man with the dual personality. She was drying the dishes with her hand made paper towels while Kakuzu put them away. Hey, he didn't mind. He was the only one who could reach the tall cabinets with his detachable arms.
Itachi finished (carefully) melting all of the snow in Zetsu's fly trap, while Kisame siphoned all of the melt water away. Fire and Water was a useful combo to have when you were up to your eyeballs in snow.
"Alright, now that we're all fed, let's go sledding!" Pein declared. Tobi and Kisame cheered. Deidara groaned.
"I would rather stay inside, un. I'm still feeling sick…"
"Wait…isn't Sasori supposed to be finding a cure for the poison in that fruitcake, so you can survive and we can go to Orochimaru's New Year's Eve party?" Konan asked while flicking her ashes in the sink. (Does anyone else see an awesome opportunity for a sequel?)
Deidara nodded.
"Un…but all Sasori's been doing is hiding in the closet. I think he's depressed because he hasn't gotten any letters from his grandma, hm."
Kakuzu (who'd been tossing all of Sasori's mail in the trash for the past year) dropped Deidara's favorite coffee mug and it shattered into a million pieces too small to be properly glued back together.
Deidara squeezed his eyes shut, teeth bared.
"Don't tell me that was my signature Konoha Krystal Koffee mug with the limited edition hazelnut glaze…un…"
Hidan blinked, not sure what hazelnut glaze was supposed to look like…but he did see quite a few broken K's on the linoleum.
"It's just a coffee cup…" Kakuzu said slowly.
Kakuzu was rarely afraid of people smaller than him other than Itachi and Pein. But Deidara had a very evil glint to his eye. What was worse was that Deidara slipped a hand inside his cloak, and pulled out…a twenty dollar bill.
Kakuzu's eyes followed the twenty as Deidara waved it in the missing Falls nin's face.
"See this pretty new twenty? Hmm? I'm going to rip it again…and again…and again…right in front of you…un…"
Kakuzu's eyes nearly popped out of his head.
"Sacrilege…" Kakuzu whispered in horror. He clutched at his chest, fully aware that he only had three hearts right now, and was in danger of losing another one.
Kakuzu reached for his heart medication, which he found in the medicine cabinet and decided to keep it on his person at all times from now on.
When Kakuzu popped one of the tiny white pills in his mouth and swallowed, he immediately started to feel his heart palpitations calm down to a more normal rhythm.
And then his gut exploded.
The missing Falls nin collapsed on top of the shattered remains of Deidara's favorite coffee mug, and the shock of having his guts in disarray caused Kakuzu to have a heart attack and die, and so, bringing the number of hearts down to just two.
"Deidara," Pein sighed as he pulled on his boots, "did you plant explosives inside Kakuzu's heart medication?"
"Un."
"Just…one…more…push…" Konan grunted.
She was helping Tobi get dressed to go outside, and was presently forcing an extra thick glove over his already gloved left hand.
Finally, the glove was secure, all of Tobi's fingers were accounted for, and Konan slumped in her chair, the end of her cigarette nothing but a long curling stick of ashes.
"YAY! Tobi wants to build an igloo and invite everyone to an Eskimo tea party!"
"You're fucking nuts. Eskimos don't drink tea. They drink Vodka," Hidan said. His voice came out muffled because he was wearing a ski mask that only allowed his furiously pink eyes to show.
"Why the hell are you bothering with the ski mask if you're still going outside topless?" Kakuzu asked, who was wearing enough outdoor gear to track Polar bears in Antarctica.
"Hey, what did I tell you? Shirts are against my religion. Seriously."
"Yeah…just like green beans, right?"
Hidan spelled out the only phrase he knew in sign language: "fuck you."
The priest swung Konan's overly feminine Martha Stewart silver scarf around his neck, which clashed horribly with his fluorescent orange ski mask, making him look very much like a gay robber with no knowledge of color coordination. (If you think fluorescent orange and metallic silver look good together, I apologize. NOT.)
It wasn't quite clear why Konan had let Hidan wear her scarf. Perhaps she had a crush on the priest, and seeing him in her scarf gave her something to fantasize about while making love to Pein, who always cried out his own name when he came. (o.O dirty!)
Itachi was instantly jealous of Hidan. He had secretly been hoping she'd let him wear it, because deep down inside, Itachi was Martha Stewart's biggest fan.
The Uchiha instead wore a black knitted hat, scarf and gloves that matched his Akatsuki cloak perfectly. A small Uchiha fan embroidered the front of his hat, and that matched his cloak too. If Itachi is straight, then Zetsu's a vegetarian.
Kisame actually liked the cold, so he didn't wear anything other than the usual cloak.
Pein didn't like the cold, but he had the reputation as a masochist to uphold, so he didn't wear anything warmer than the Akatsuki cloak either. If it became too much for him, he'd nick one of Kakuzu's many coats.
Konan stayed inside, because in case you didn't get it by now, she's made of paper, and she doesn't like snow because she would get wet, and wet paper is only fun if you're making something with it. Like a piñata. And Konan is NOT fond of being made into a piñata.
Tobi ran outside and immediately started to climb up Hummer Mountain, but Itachi beat him to it by simply leaping up to the top. He made Kisame stick his Samehada on the 'peak' and claim it for the Uchiha clan, and looked pointedly at Tobi to gage his reaction.
Tobi simply shrugged and slid down to get started on making his igloo.
Pein would have played in the snow, but he looked at all the other (surviving) neighbors, who were busily digging out their vehicles and shoveling the sidewalks. Mr. Peterson had a snow blower going.
"Hey, Tobi? Get me some shovels and a bag of rock salt."
"YAY Tobi loves shovels!"
"What the fuck did that idiot just say?" Hidan asked, who was eating a ball of snow while watching Deidara and Sasori construct a rather good snow sculpture of Konoha's knockoff of Mount Rushmore (you know, the mountainside in Konoha with the Hokages on it).
"Who the hell loves shovels? What is wrong with him?"
Kakuzu sighed heavily.
"Can you shut up about him and zip up your cloak already? Your erect nipples are making me nauseous."
(Authoress nearly fucking dies of laughter.)
"Ha, I knew you were staring at me, faggot ass!"
Kakuzu shook his head in frustration.
When Tobi returned with three shovels, Kakuzu grabbed one and chased Hidan around the yard with it. Hidan stripped his cloak completely off and threw it in Kakuzu's face.
"Go ahead and smell it, ya fruity old queen! I know you want to!"
Kakuzu ripped the cloak off of his head, snarling and extended his arms, succeeding in banging Hidan hard on top of the head.
Hidan fell to the ground.
Kakuzu threw the discarded cloak on top of Hidan and went to work on shoveling out the sidewalk in order to distract himself from his overwhelming urge to murder the priest right on the spot.
Just when Kakuzu and Tobi had finished shoveling out the driveway, the street plow rumbled by, burying the pair knee deep in snow again.
"Son of a bitch!" Kakuzu screamed and threw his shovel at the damned thing. The force of the blow knocked the large machine over on its side. Not surprisingly, it exploded.
"Deidara!" Pein yelled. The missing Rock nin, who was just slipping his gloves back on, looked to the leader with a grin on his face.
"What? I didn't do anything!" he said, trying to sound innocent. No one was buying it.
Kakuzu was in a fully fledged rage. He ripped off ten jackets and one cloak and his remaining masked demon separated from his body.
It was Mr. Chiclets, and together, the old man and his demon ran over to the flaming pile of metal that had once been a humble street plow and pummeled it ferociously, looking very much like enraged silver backed gorillas.
"I think someone needs to go back to anger management, un…"
"Sh, you'll only make him angrier!" Sasori said as he clamped his hand over Deidara's mouth.
Hidan woke up from his nap just then and got to his feet.
"That fucking asshole!" Hidan roared, grabbing Kakuzu's abandoned shovel and running rather crookedly after the missing Falls nin. He was still dazed from the blow to the head, and his aim was rather off, so he ended up colliding with a parked car and fell on his back in the snow again, unconscious.
Itachi stood like a memorial statue atop Uchiha Hummer Mountain while Kisame sat in the snow, pouting.
"Please, Itachi-san?"
"No. You are my sidekick. And sidekicks stay at their master's…side."
"But I want to play in the snow too!"
"…"
When Kakuzu had tired himself out, and his anger subsided, he went back to the house to put his coats back on. Mr. Chiclets wanted to play in the snow, so Kakuzu put one of his coats on him and watched the masked demon build an igloo with Tobi.
Hidan woke up on the ground in time to be run over by a pick up truck with eight plastic reindeer in the bed. The Konoha redneck in the driver's seat slammed on his brakes, causing the truck to do donuts until it collided with the Gumby mailbox. The truck exploded. The last thing the Konoha redneck saw before he died was Gumby's evil eyes.
"Oh no! Hidan-san!" Tobi howled, abandoning his igloo to rush over to help the rather smooshed priest.
Hidan got to his feet, brushing off snow. There was a black tire mark over the length of his body, and it actually made the fluorescent orange ski mask and the metallic silver scarf work. Well, almost.
Normal people would not have been able to get up after that, because their heads would be caved in. Hidan was a bit flatter than usual, but he was definitely going to survive.
But he didn't have to be happy about it.
"Fucking rednecks, I swear! Oh…oh Jashin! I think I'm bleeding!"
"I don't see any blood," Kakuzu said. Hidan glowered at the old man.
"I'm not fucking bleeding out of a place where you'd see it, you pansy ass piece of shit!" he snarled, and sort of duck walked to the front door as if he had something stuck up his ass.
"Rectal bleeding, un," Deidara said, snickering into his hand. Of course, Hidan managed to flick everyone off before he slammed the door shut behind him.
Most of the Akatsuki spent hours outside in the snow, building works of art, hosting Eskimo tea parties, shaking fists at plow trucks, disobeying Itachi and sledding down Uchiha Hummer Mountain anyway…and salting the driveway.
When Tobi plopped down in the snow to make a snow angel, Itachi hopped down from his mountain, determined to outdo him. It quickly escalated into a snow angel showdown.
Tobi's snow angel was sloppy and very unimpressive. When Itachi got up from his, it didn't really look like an angel. It looked like…
"Holy shit, it's the devil," Kisame muttered. Everyone took a step back from Itachi, whose face was carefully devoid of emotion.
Pein gestured for Kisame to go next. When the shark nin stepped away from his attempt, the result was equally as mind boggling.
"What is it, un? One of those goldfish crackers? A whale?"
"It's the Jesus fish…" Kisame answered, scratching his head.
Deidara and Sasori went next.
Sasori's looked like a perfectly normal snow angel while Deidara's was a bit…provocative.
"Wow…nice hourglass figure," Kisame said with a chuckle. Deidara's snow angel looked like a bodacious babe.
Kisame ran inside the house as he was bombarded with exploding snow balls.
"Well, it looks like you win," Pein told Sasori, awarding him with a brand new can of Pledge.
Sasori took the can and ran for it, cackling with glee. Yes, for Sasori, Christmas had come four days early.
A/N: I swear, when I wrote the line about Kakuzu getting nauseous over Hidan's erect nipples, I was laughing so fucking hard I couldn't breathe! I don't know, sometimes one line tickles me just right...I think I'm getting dirtier in my writing...Oh and I don't know how Kakuzu magically healed from having his guts imploded...I think maybe Pein healed him. Or something.
And I've decided that there will definitely be a sequel to this story called "Orochimaru's World Famous Super Sonic New Year's Eve Party." Long title, but then again, Orochimaru has a long name, so his parties should too. I call it 'super sonic' because of the whole Sound village thing. If it's a multi-chapter story, it won't be a long one. But there WILL be alcohol involved, and maybe some romance too. Drunken slushy romance anyway.