"Alright, where is he?" asked Huang after briefly discussing the horrible details of Barba's attack with the SVU squad.
"Still in his room, he was on the floor when I last checked," Benson said.
"This way." Munch directed Huang to Barba's bedroom. "I hope he'll talk with you. He needs help."
"No victims are easy to deal with, but adult males can be even trickier. There's not a whole lot of studies done on adult male rape victims. They're very under represented in research."
Munch and Huang entered Barba's room quietly and found him on the curled on the floor in the same spot between the wall and the end of a large mahogany dresser.
"Rafael, Dr. Huang is here to talk with you."
Slowly, Barba sat upright and reached for the blanket that Benson had placed beside him and partially covered himself. He took the pillow and rested it between his back and the wall.
"I'll just be in the other room if either of you need anything," Munch said as he left Barba and Huang alone to talk.
"Do you mind if I sit down and talk with you for a bit?" asked Huang. "We can talk about anything you want. Is that alright with you?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you," said Huang as he pulled up an office style chair from the desk. "You know, I think I know why you're comfortable there on the floor."
"You do?"
"You have a big, beautiful bed right over there. It sure looks nice. Gorgeous looking duvet and sheets. It's a lot softer than the floor isn't it? But, I think that right now you are more comfortable on the floor because look at how nice and safe it is there. You're sort of hidden there, beside the dresser and the wall. If you were lying down on the bed, you'd be kind of exposed wouldn't you?"
Barba's sad, green eyes briefly looked at Huang.
"I'm really sorry about what you went through. How are you feeling?"
"I'm...not too sure. I don't know."
"Benson, Cragen and Munch are all pretty worried about you. They were really concerned when they saw you sitting here on the floor, rocking yourself. Were you aware that you were doing that?"
"I think so. Maybe."
"It's comforting isn't it, rocking yourself?"
"Umm...I guess so," said Barba, feeling embarrassed.
"It's ok, and there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Some people who have experienced something traumatic, like what happened to you, use different methods to cope with stress. Some people rock themselves to cope. It can be very soothing, and really there's nothing wrong with it. The only time it becomes a problem, is if you allow it to control you and you become obsessive. But you know what worries me more than you rocking yourself?"
"No."
"I'm worried about you pinching your arm like that."
Barba looked down at his hand and let go of his arm.
"Can we try something? Can I show you something that will help you better than pinching yourself?"
"Umm, ok."
"Alright, but it would be good if you could come and sit over at your desk. You can have this chair, and I'll go get another one. Is that ok with you?"
Barba nodded and got up off of the floor while Huang went to get another chair.
"Ok, can you pull your chair right up here and put your hands on the desk?" asked Huang. "Do you know why you have been pinching yourself?"
"When my mind gets filled with bad thoughts of what happened. Sometimes I keep seeing him over and over. So if I pinch, I feel that, and the pictures of him go away for a while."
"Yes. That is called grounding. Grounding is important because it helps to bring yourself to the present moment. But pinching yourself is not the most effective way to ground yourself. Instead of hurting your arm, there are other things you can do. You can try taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Can you put your hands together like you are going to clap?" Barba complied and put his hands together. "Good. Now squeeze them together, not enough to hurt, just until you feel a bit of pressure. The next time you have a flashback or a memory of something bad, try to squeeze your hands together like that and count to ten. You don't have to count out loud if you don't want, but I want you to try to keep your eyes open and to look around and see that you are safe. If you're in bed you can hug a pillow or blanket. This takes practice, but it will help you to bring yourself back to reality and to remember that what happened was in the past."
"I'll try. It's happening a lot."
"Can you tell me what happens, what you're seeing?"
"Just the whole thing, in bits and pieces. It's images of what happened. Sometimes I can smell him or feel him on me. I feel something heavy on me, but there's really nothing there. Sometimes I hear him laughing or I hear his voice. Mostly, it's just seeing him. His face in mine, or seeing him put the tie around my neck. Just...everything. I try to make it stop, but it just comes back."
"That is a normal response, it's very scary and in time, those memories will happen less and less. It takes time. But if you use those techniques, you can learn to stop them before you get overwhelmed by them. It won't be easy, but it will work. You have to remind yourself that what you're experiencing is a memory, it's not in the present."
"That's what John told me too."
"See? What do they say about great minds? Now, do you want to practice? I can help you. It might get scary, but I will be right here and I'll talk you through it. That way, you'll know what to do to help yourself."
Barba looked warily at Huang. "Ok."
"Alright. I want you to lie on the bed. Can you face me? Or is that the side with your broken ribs?"
"No, the other side," said Barba as he climbed onto the bed and turned over to face Huang. "Can I hold a pillow?"
"Yes, here you go." Huang passed him a pillow and pulled his chair close to the bed. "Now, here is how we work this. I want you to close your eyes, and if you have a bad memory, I want you to tell me about what you see and feel. Then open your eyes and use a grounding technique. You can squeeze your hands, the pillow or the blanket. If it gets too scary, just tell me and we'll stop. I will talk you through it. We'll do this for ten minutes, and then we can talk about what happened."
"Alright."
"Do you have any questions?"
"No."
"Ok, are you ready? Now close your eyes and try to relax."
Barba trembled a little, but closed his eyes, desperate for help. Huang sat forward, examining Barba's face for any sign of panic. Less than a minute later Barba's face contorted and he squeezed the pillow.
Barba blurted out, "He has my tie around my neck, he's choking me!"
"Open your eyes Rafael... Hold the pillow. Good."
Barba looked at Huang, his eyes filled with terror, breathing fast.
"Count to ten," Huang urged. "Has it passed?" he asked after Barba reached ten.
"Yeah." Barba closed his eyes again and relaxed his grip on the pillow. Awful memories surged through Barba's head. One after another, split second images of various moments of the attack replayed in his mind. Unconsciously, he grabbed his arm and began to pinch himself.
"Hold the pillow and let go of your arm," Huang directed. "What's happening?"
"Umm...I just see it happening," Barba replied shakily. "He pulled off my pants and I knew what he was going to do," Barba said as he grasped the pillow with both hands, opened his eyes and then counted slowly in his head.
"Look around the room here, and realize that you are safe now. You see, you're not in that alley. You're here in your own home, in your room and I'm here with you."
Barba slowly settled down and closed his eyes again. Barba lay quietly for a few minutes, trying to block thoughts from his mind before another powerful memory overtook him. His face contorted and he bit his lip. Barba lifted his arm and softly punched at the mattress while tears poured from his eyes. "No, no, no. Please..." he sobbed.
Huang leaned forward. "What are you remembering? Open your eyes."
Barba continued to weakly slap and punch at the bed and at the pillow he was holding, keeping his eyes tightly shut. He shook his head and pleaded, "Please, don't. I don't want to do this. It hurts. Please stop."
"Rafael, I need you to tell me what's happening."
"No, I can't." Barba opened his eyes and clenched the pillow as he gasped for breath.
"Why? You can tell me about it. You can tell me anything."
"I can't tell you. I I don't want to do this anymore. Please can I stop?" His lips quivered in desperation.
Huang realized that Barba was completely terrorized by whatever he had last remembered and that he clearly couldn't handle any more of that exercise for now. "Yes, of course. You did very well. Here, come sit back down."
Barba got up and slumped in the chair. His face was damp with tears, and he watched his hands as they shook in his lap.
Huang let Barba take some time to catch his breath. "Did you see how that technique worked? Was it helpful for you?"
"Yeah." He stared at his hands as they began to fidget uncomfortably. "Yeah. I have to look around and realize it's not really happening anymore."
"That's right. That's exactly right."
"Sometimes it's just one thing I think of. Other times it's a whole bunch of them in a row."
"Right. Just like how those moments just before you fall asleep, and things that happened to you during the day run through your mind. Am I right?"
"Yeah, like that," Barba said without looking up. He slowly started to rock back and forth.
Huang watched Barba as he soothed himself, wondering if he was aware of what he was doing. "How are you feeling now?"
"Umm...alright I guess," Barba said as he continued the repetitive motion.
"Can I ask you about something?"
"Ok," Barba answered focused on his hands.
"Did you ever rock yourself like this before yesterday? Before that man attacked you?"
Immediately, he stopped rocking, raised his head and turned to look at Huang. How did he know? He contemplated asking Huang why he would ask that, but decided not to.
Huang sensed that he hit a nerve. "Do you remember rocking yourself like that since you were very young?"
Barba dropped his head and looked back down at his hands. Huang didn't pursue the issue. "Can I ask you just a few more questions?"
"Yeah," Barba said, his voice just a whisper.
"You did so well with the technique practice. The first two times, you told me what you were remembering and you did a great job calming yourself. Why did you have such a hard time with the last one? It's just that I want you to know that you can tell me anything. It would be better if you let it out."
"I just...can't." Tears formed and fell down Barba's cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, wishing for this conversation to be over. He felt his breathing getting fast and heavy. His heart pounded so hard he was sure that Huang could hear it beating a loud staccato against his chest.
"But why? You can tell me."
"No, no." Barba shook his head. "I can't. I promised...I wouldn't."
"Who? Who did you promise?"
"Please," Barba begged, "don't make me say it. I can't." His voice rose with fear. "Can I see John now? Is he still here?"
Huang didn't push him any further. Something wasn't making sense. Barba had told him the horrible details of the previous nights attack, so what would be left to possibly conceal? The attacker wouldn't have made Barba promise not to tell anyone about the assault. He was the one who called Benson and told her what happened and then bragged about it. He seemed to have hit a nerve when he asked Barba whether or not he rocked himself before the attack. What was that reaction about?
"John's here. You really like him don't you?"
"Yeah."
"I can see why. He's a very gentle person isn't he? He's very understanding and kind."
Barba nodded. "Yeah, I like him. He's been so nice too me." Barba sat quietly for a few seconds. "Dr. Huang? Can I tell you something?"
"Sure. That's why I'm here. Anything."
"Sometimes, I wish, that I knew John better before."
"Because he's such a good friend?"
"Yeah. And, I even wished that he would have been my dad. I wished that when he gave me a hug earlier and when he brought me water after I got sick. Isn't that stupid?"
"No. Not at all. I think that John would have been a really good father. I agree with you."
For the first time during the session Barba allowed his eyes to connect with Huang's for more than a mere second. "Yeah."
"Rafael, I'm sorry if anything made you feel uncomfortable. I want to help you. I just want you to know that sometimes, in order to get better, you have to work through some really awful things."
"I know." Barba sighed heavily. "It's ok."
"Do you want to stay here while I get John for you?"
"I think so. Ok. Don't tell him what I said about wishing he was my dad."
Huang smiled at Barba. "It's our secret. But, you know what. I think that you should tell him that sometime. That's a big compliment you know."