Chapter 7 – Role Reversals

Nothing could have prepared me for my absolute glee in seeing them. As though my mind hadn't properly catalogued their appearance a million times, I stopped to study each perfect feature on her face and every contour of his gloriously muscular form. A ripple of emotion worked through my senses, allowing the tears I had forbidden previously to flow.

"I told her you didn't want to see us," Emmett joked.

Embarrassed, I wiped at the liquid falling from my eyes and ran toward him. It was like hitting a solid brick wall. He scooped me up and spun me around as though I was a feather, and I nuzzled into his neck, marveling at the caramel apple scent. Rosalie stood looking sour, waiting impatiently for her turn. I exerted strength to wrestle out of Emmett's bear hug and into her arms. She gripped me equally hard: maybe harder. While she refrained from vocalizing her emotion, I could see the subtle hint of delight behind her golden eyes.

"You…" Rosalie began. "Well, you really are a mess."

She picked out a twig captured by my loosely flowing curls. They were mildly dangerous, and while I normally kept them tied, the waterfall shower had left me feeling brazen. I wanted to give them a little freedom. Of course, they took advantage of this, capturing stray sticks, leaves, and anything that dared to come near them. She spent the good portion of twenty minutes pulling debris from my bronze locks, chattering about how everyone was doing as she deforestfied me.

"We've missed you," she said casually, taking the strands and working them into a more convenient braid.

"I've missed you too," I admitted. "It's great to see you."

I'd replayed their faces in my brain a million times. Physically seeing them was much more satisfying than memories.

"I told you she would be glad we came," she said sternly to Emmett.

"Well…" he said, a smile curving the corners of his mouth. "She may not be so glad when you tell her what you did to her car."

My eyes narrowed instinctively, before I asked, "What's wrong with my car?"

"I don't know how he talked her into it," Emmett continued. "But she let Seth take it out for a run."

My mind felt like it might over-heat, gears burning inside. Seth took my Saleen for a joy ride. Was he hurt? How could Emmett find that amusing? Did the hatred between the wolves and vampires burrow so deep that they had no common courtesy to care if the other side was harmed? Treaty or not, they were supposed to be civil. I loved them all without boundaries, without lines being drawn. While I knew it was difficult for them, I didn't feel that discomfort, for any but one.

Their nonchalance about an accident threatened to destroy the calm I had finally started to find. A ripple in the water started, and while I was able to keep it from becoming a crashing wave, I wondered how long I could maintain composure before it poured over them.

"Relax," Emmett said, smile never wavering. "Seth's good."

Rosalie tilted her head to the side, as though mortifyingly confused by my reaction. Emmett maintained the 'I told you so' smirk, but she never paused to look at him once. All I could think about were the flashing images of my wolf family sliding like a show in my mind. It was very hard to focus.

"He trashed your car," she explained, as though I didn't really grasp the concept of what Emmett had said.

"But he's okay?" I asked.

"Yes," Rosalie said, her voice a low grumble. "He's perfectly fine. I mean, he had some healing to do, but he was repairable. The Saleen - not so much."

Emmett lifted a brow, as though expecting some sort of rise out of me more than the concern continuing to cover my face. I couldn't stop from feeling pains in the pit of my stomach with worry over Seth. He had healed. Their lack of concern didn't show apathy, but instead existed because they saw the after effects of the crash. They witnessed a recovered Seth - perfectly whole again - and the object of envy completely beyond repair.

Emmett's smile disappeared, replaced with a serious side of him I had never seen before. Remorse tainted his generally handsome appearance. He frowned, and the difference turned his face into something that terrified me, something menacing and absolutely dangerous. Alert to my emotion, he tried to soften his expression again. In his fun, he'd overlooked the reasons for why the incident would upset me.

"He's really fine, Renesmee," he assured me, reaching out his hand toward my face, using his index finger and pinky to force my lips into a smile.

"Truly?"

"I promise," he stated. "All healed up in less than twenty-four hours."

"That bad, huh?" I persisted.

That length of time to a wolf meant some pretty serious injuries. I sighed, wondering if I should take a trip home to see for myself that our mascot was healed.

"Well," Emmett said, nudging Rosalie. "He had the hottest nurse in Forks looking after him."

I was reminded of the softer side of Rosalie that I had witnessed as a baby. As tough as she tried to make herself out to be, she would have felt responsible for what happened to Seth. Internalizing blame was something she was an expert at. As self-absorbed and egotistical as she was, she still had a conscience. She would have cared for Seth until he was better, that urge to nurture taking over as it had with me before I was born. Once he was healed, she would have discarded the connection as though it was a passing fancy.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out.

"I think she did it on purpose," Emmett joked, inviting a guttural hiss from his mate.

I pondered that for a moment. Rosalie certainly had some nastiness inside her, but she would never willfully inflict harm on someone like Seth. Sure, she wouldn't mind taking a few bites out of Jacob - or Leah for that matter - but never Seth. He was far too lovable. He had likability in tune with mine, and it was impossible not to adore him. He would have wanted to test-drive my car. He would have probed and prodded and continued until he made her cave. Her mask was only skin deep and not nearly strong enough to fight against his charisma.

Curiosity replaced worry, and in search of more details, I pried. "When did this happen?"

Emmett laughed then, and I wondered why that would be such a funny question to ask. The answer had me laughing too.

"An hour after you left," Rosalie said somberly. "I wasn't…thinking clearly."

"Why didn't anyone call?" I wondered.

"Umm…" Emmett said, pointing to his cell phone. "No signal."

"No-No," I countered. "Before I left the country."

They looked at each other for a moment, wondering whether or not to answer me, as though their inevitable response would break some sort of silence code.

"Would you have left?" Zafrina answered for them, the response vague as always, yet enough to make me realize she was right again.

I hadn't seen her approach, having been swept up in seeing two members of my vampire family. She made a good point, and by the look of anticipation in Emmett's eyes, I could tell he was more interested in hunting than continuing idle chitchat about a healed puppy or a smashed Saleen.

Matching his grin, I was excited to be able to show him where to go for once. When I took off into the trees, I knew it wouldn't take long for them to catch up. They wouldn't pass me though. I was leading them, and it felt delightfully liberating to be in that position. Roles were reversed.

Seeing them was beyond any luxury I could have asked for. I had given them permission to come and knew they eventually would. If they hadn't told me two months had passed, I wouldn't have believed them.

November held the same humid temperature as any other month. The Amazon climate changed more from day to night than it did during any seasonal shift. I wondered if the snow had found Forks. I missed home - the smells, sights, and people. However, I wasn't ready to go back; not quite yet. While I had come a long way in my journey, it was far from over. Having a piece of home touch me was greatly appreciated and definitely more than I deserved, since I was the one who had chosen to leave it behind.

A special contentment existed for me in the rainforest, but it could never be my home. The connection I had made with Zafrina outweighed any childlike desire I had to see her visions. She was my teacher and also my friend. Senna didn't talk, but she felt the same. I could sense that from her. Kachiri appreciated my presence only because I was a valid distraction for her sisters when she wandered off on her escapades, but I hadn't really decided whether she cared much for me or not. She smiled at me often with a wicked cat-like grin that made my skin crawl. She liked to share the knowledge she gained: her own lessons. This is why she left so often - to learn - and I certainly understand the desire for that. Her binding to the other two was not so tightly knit.

"How long will you stay?" I questioned Rosalie, when Emmett had left with the others for another round of feeding.

"No longer than tonight," Rosalie replied sharply.

"You're leaving so soon?"

I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice, but knew I had failed miserably when she smiled a little wider. Only Rosalie could enjoy the negative, ego-feeding feeling. It proved her importance to me.

"Yes," she answered evenly. "We are just passing through on our way to Antarctica."

"Antarctica?"

This filled me with curiosity. Why in the world would they want to go someplace so void of life in November? Then, as if to answer my own question, I flipped through the geography book pages in my head until I found the one I was looking for.

"Ah," I determined. "Because it's the start of summer. Fun times. Happy hunting."

"Emmett prefers polar bears, and we plan to take a trip North before heading home. That's the best time to make sure the white teddies aren't bearing. All the pregnant mothers are pretty much in their dens by now," she said, smug smile on her lips. "We're saving Tennessee for spring. For now, the penguins will have to do."

She winked, and I knew she was referring to his near-death experience that happened there. Spring was the anniversary of their meeting, and the moment she decided to make his choice for him. I wondered, if given that option again, would she do the same thing? She was impossibly full of regret and torment over her own turning. How did it feel to have made that same decision for someone else? Did she regret it? Would she take it away if she could? Did she wish she had the option like I did?

Part of my discoveries needed to revolve around me deciding which side of my hybrid form to cater to. I couldn't be two people any longer, but how could I decide to be one or the other? I knew what I was capable of and needed to move onto the more difficult venture of figuring out who I was capable of being. Who did I want to be? Did I want to be like my vampire family or like humans? Before I could decide one way or the other, I was going to need to spend some time around mortals, which would happen neither in the rainforest nor in Antarctica; it couldn't happen in Forks either. Where would I go?

"Ness…Renesmee," Rosalie said quietly, pulling her legs up to her chin and wrapping her arms around them.

"What's wrong?" I asked, instantly alert to distress. "Look, I'm not mad over the car at all. I mean, I know you liked it. Dad can buy you a new one."

She laughed at that, but her voice still held strain when she responded. "No. I don't really care about the car."

"What is it then?"

I moved closer to her, finding it strange that I was the one doing the comforting. I reached out my hand and slid it around her shoulders, pulling her closer to me. Another role reversal.

"Before you left…," she began. "I mean, it all happened really fast…and I never got a chance to talk to you about it alone…and Edward…well, your father wasn't about to let me even consider it out loud…"

She was frantic, her hands moving to rub one another, performing a human act to calm nerves. Her words were coming out in rapid fragments like she was trying to get them all out at once. It took me a little time to run back through them in my mind and piece parts of them together.

"Pull it together, Rose," I begged her. "You're going to cause me an anxiety attack. Unlike you, I can hyperventilate."

It was a soft giggle that came from her form - something girly and refrained that wouldn't echo through the forest. She was trying to do this all quietly. Discouraged, I felt like yelling out. For a family who was supposed to be without secrets, there sure seemed to be a lot of secrets between them. I didn't want to hear what she had to say; I didn't want her to tell me something I wasn't allowed to repeat. I liked being honest, telling the truth, and sharing too much information. It was part of who I was. My family were the select few people who I knew I could trust, who I knew I could spill it all to without worry.

"Don't…I don't want to know…please don't tell me."

Those words got lost in my mind, and I felt my heart hitch at the fact that Dad was the only one who could have heard them.

"Ness...Renesmee….Nessie. Ugh, this is hard," she stammered. "I want you to take away my human memories."

"You can call me Nessie," I said softly. "I think it only mattered when you really needed to see me as an adult. I guess we're beyond that."

She didn't see me as a child. This wasn't the type of conversation an adult had with a child. I felt like she was seeking my guidance, my assistance as an equal, as a friend. The whole spiral in position had my head spinning, and I wasn't quite sure how to respond to her. I wasn't sure I wanted to respond to her. She knew what my answer had to be. She knew the promise I made, and yet she sat, terrified, asking me to break it.

Part of me wanted to help her instantly. The other part had no idea what to do. I wished for Jasper and his ability to help me come to decisions in a level-headed way that was void of emotion so rationalization took over. I didn't have Jasper; I had only myself. I was in control, and I did have a firm base to build my future on. I needed to work that into my decision. Both sides needed to be considered.

If I did as she asked and took away the memories, I would have to break a promise. Surely Dad would forgive me. He had broken important promises of his own. Was it worth slandering his word, his credibility? Had leaving Mom really halted the pain or saved her? No - breaking oaths never brought good. Lies brought no good. Truth sometimes brought pain, but it was a different kind of pain. It was like Leah's constant and tolerable pain.

Rosalie was unhappy. She tried to feign indifference, but it was a façade easily seen through. She was formal, curt, but underneath something else. Her stoicism was often misconstrued as anger when really she was just sad. If not for Emmett she would not exist, a zombie of sorts continuing onward. Would taking away her memories, her longing for continued human life, give her a chance at peace? Would it be her amity, the same stillness I craved? Could I give her what I couldn't give myself?

She wasn't cursed with the ability to read thoughts; nor did she have a linked pack mind. She was simply Rosalie. She had boundless beauty and her wiring was set in a way to run more on body than mind: purely physical. She didn't have to worry about someone slipping in and leaving the memory there for her to deal with again in the future.

If I took her human memories away from her I would be stripping away her last bits of humanity. Knowing her desire to gain mortality, was it fair to take that little bit and erase it? More importantly, what would happen to her in the process? If I removed that, what would she become? While she was not pleased to be a vampire, her human experiences, and the change brought by Carlisle, had made her what she was. If I took away the memories, the regret and longing, would she continue to be a part of the family?

Could I focus and pick through the thoughts in her mind without the constant rewind like I had learned to do with my giving gift? Could I use my ability backwards with the same control and restraint? Was it within my power to do that? Should anyone have that sort of control on anyone else's future?

To be honest, I sort of felt like reaching across the distance and slapping her for putting me in such a conflicting position. Yet, I couldn't raise my hand against her. Not only would she pulverize me, but I sympathized with her pain. It was only a few months before when I was sitting in the same position - fully aware of what I wanted and what I was asking of everyone around me. The decision that was right for me didn't coincide with everyone else's plans. Yet, they had heard my side and aided me. If nothing else, I owed that to her. I needed to talk it through with her, see her position, and make a decision based on based on rational thoughts about whether or not it was a good choice for her and Emmett.

"What about Emmett?" I whispered. "What if things…don't go as you plan?"

"I think," she said quietly. "I know our feelings are true. I don't think this would affect that…but."

I had a pretty good idea I knew where this was going.

"This is about my happiness," she admitted. "And do you really think he can ever truly be happy if I'm not?"

"But can you be happy if he isn't?" I countered.

"Do you not know him at all?" she spoke, raising her voice a bit. "He lives his world for me - me the angel who saved him."

"That's what I mean, Rose," I argued. "He views you as an angel. This life was a gift to him. Your continued existence was not a gift to you. You were not saved. You were sucked into something without a choice."

"Exactly."

"But if I take away what you were, you will have no choice about who you are, who you will become. I would be taking away anything left of your humanity. What will that turn you into?"

"I know who I am," she argued.

She thought she did. Maybe she had a vague insight into her true self, as narrow as the journey was for her. What she wasn't thinking about was the effort she had given to be like the humans: the animal blood, the sacrifice. Without an ounce of humanity left inside her that could all slip away; without the strengthened bonds reinforced by vegetarianism she might convert to other vampiric means of feeding. Would her bond to Emmett remain then?

"If you are so sure about this," I said, annoyed at the continued silence between us. "Then you should stand beside Emmett and ask this of me."

I played the fair card, which was unfair in itself, but I really couldn't think of any other way to try to dissuade her. Maybe that was the point. If I couldn't talk sense into her, maybe she needed to talk sense into me. Part of growing, part of advancement is knowing when to fight for something and when to give in to someone. True compromise is not about consistently getting what is wanted. It's not about splitting things down the middle. It's about coming to terms and agreeing with the outcome. I wouldn't make such a rash decision for her that would so gravely affect Emmett. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

She hissed, and I wondered for a second if she was going to attack me. Instead, she sprung off the ground and into the forest. I assumed she was going to go find Emmett and bring him back to stand before me.

I twisted my hands together, as I had seen her do, and found the movement oddly calming. I thought of my parents and wondered what they would think about all of this. I valued my mother's opinion. Her decisions were made with the greater good in mind. Her ability to rationalize was unique, and so ignoring her was difficult. Yet, she would easily forgive me. Dad made decisions that were effective in another way. They were like band-aids, quick and to the point. He would not forgive me as easily as Mom. Eventually, he would have to. Love does that. It makes it possible to accept any number of things that normally would be impossible to accept. He would understand my decision. Could I forgive myself if things ended badly? Could I still find the decision - the choice - correct if it didn't work as Rosalie hoped?

"Your posture is troubled," Zafrina said from behind me.

Startled by her words, I jumped slightly. When so swept up in thought, it was easy to forget about everything around me. Soon, Rosalie would stand with Emmett before me as requested. If they were united in the decision, I would have no choice but to bend to their wishes. It couldn't hurt to prepare with the teacher who had helped me stabilize everything I could already do.

"I know," I agreed. "Rosalie…"

I trailed off, knowing it was not my place to share this information with someone else, regardless of how much I wanted to have an unbiased opinion.

"The choices we make impact more than the past," she said soothingly.

She was right, as usual, and that was what troubled me. There was no way to know how this choice would directly impact what would happen. I wished for a fraction of Alice's insight. She knew the outcome already, though my presence was enough to cloud what decision was made.

"How much did you hear?" I wondered.

"Enough to know that I am proud of you," she announced.

"I didn't do anything yet."

"I know," Zafrina said, smiling and patting me soundly on the head.

She took my restless hand and pulled me to a standing position.

"They are coming," she told me. "You'll want to be standing."

A second later I heard footsteps that were followed by their approach through the break in the trees. My heart raced wildly as I looked for answers in Emmett's eyes. I couldn't find anything beyond the same simple smile that always rested there. I was looking at the wrong vampire.

"We're headed out," he stated, chipper as always.

The outcome was clearly visible in Rosalie's strained face. Emmett didn't agree as she'd hoped. He'd decided without me having to. Always my bodyguard.

While trying to figure out the right thing to say, I moved over to my backpack and pulled from it the completed journal. The leather felt smooth against my hand, and protectively, I pulled it to my chest as I rejoined them. I tried to imagine the book as a vice, using the pressure against me to force my heart to stop its clattering.

"Can you bring this back to Grandfather?" I asked, searching her face for forgiveness.

"You should really think about getting to the city for long enough to call your father," she said somberly. "He worries about you. They all do."

"I will," I promised her.

I really wanted to see them again, but a homebound voyage was not in my immediate future. Offering the insight I had gained so far had to be a fair trade for the time being. A city would be nice, but which one? I really hadn't made any definite plans about my next lunar phase. I would pull out the atlas once they departed. Maybe I could close my eyes and wherever my finger landed, that's where I would go. Regardless the destination, it would house someone we had encountered in the past, someone who would be willing to show me the general area layout. I had faith in my future.

"Not a problem," Emmett said casually, taking the book.

His demeanor was void of strain, and I wondered if he even knew what Rosalie had asked me to do. She wasn't the type to so easily give up on something she wanted so badly. Had she changed her mind and decided against asking him? He wasn't good at masking emotion, and his happiness was genuine. I found it hard to believe he could be so jovial if his answer to her was no. I wished for Dad's mindreading or Jasper's empathy.

"When…" Rosalie began, pausing to think. "Can we expect to see you again?"

Her question was about more than when I would go home; she wasn't giving up. I really didn't want her to. Some time would help bring clarity to her request. This moment - this goodbye - didn't have to end in a refusal. It could end on a maybe…a possibility. Hope could still exist for her amity, and I wanted her to realize that.

"I haven't made a final decision," I said, looking straight at her. "You will see me again, once we are all ready for that to happen."

Thankfully, she drew the advanced meaning from my words and relief formed on her lips. I still couldn't tell if Emmett knew anything or not, and it wasn't my place to ask, especially if she didn't have the strength to talk to him about it. They had things to discuss, and once they did, we could revisit the idea.

After a few quick, bone-cracking embraces, they disappeared into the rainforest, hand in hand. As their forms faded into the trees, my smile worked its way off my face. Even with the three Amazonians standing behind me, I felt very alone.

"Pack your things," Zafrina instructed.

"We're going?"

I knew I would be venturing into a city. I could be out, into cell phone range, and back to camp in less than a day. That wouldn't require packing. I was familiar with their scents in a way that guaranteed I would not get lost upon return. They weren't going. Were they kicking me out? Was I wrong to have invited Rosalie and Emmett into their home without permission? Did I offend them? Was Zafrina disappointed with me for not helping Rosalie?

"Kachiri is taking to you Buenos Aires," Zafrina informed me.

I let my mind find the name of the city, and a brief wave of excitement rushed through me. It was a port city in Argentina, population reaching about thirteen million people. It was the second largest metropolitan area in South America. It would be a fantastic choice for the second stream of my education. While this intrigued me, it also saddened me. They couldn't continue on with me. Kachiri was taking me, which meant Zafrina and Senna would be staying behind.

"I have to go right now?" I asked ruefully.

"Yes," Zafrina said, choking a little on the words. "To give her time to get back before dawn."

My concept of time was truly skewed. Maybe rejoining civilization would rewire my internal clock. I could purchase soap, but not even the prospect of a shower could take the sadness away; I was not alone in feeling it. Two goodbyes in one day was ridiculously unfair. The waves swished back and forth inside me and made me sea-sick.

"Goodbye," I managed to get out before the whooshing inside me spilled out from my eyes.

"Do not cry," Zafrina pleaded. "Did you not enjoy your time here?"

"Of course I did!" I replied defensively.

"Then remember it well," she said, pleased. "We will be here when you come this way once more."

The thought delighted me that I could come back; nothing was permanent. The next time I came to the Amazon rainforest, it would be with mountains of new insight, and I truly could come for vacation purposes.

"Thank you," I said, weeping all over her icy skin.

"Thank you," she countered. "Not every day does a light so bright shine on our forest."

I didn't have many personal things to collect. Gathering them together didn't take long, not nearly long enough. It felt much different being pushed out the door than it had breaking through it.

Kachiri led the way, and I struggled to keep up with her. She was my guide toward the future, and she didn't seem overly pleased about it. While the temporary home I found disappeared behind me, what I learned travelled with me.

Making a mental note of each wondrous sight I was leaving, I carefully tucked each away in a special place in my mind, organized and easy to locate. I would find my way to the camp again, and when I did, they would see for their own eyes the change I felt erupting inside me.

My heart rate leapt from the enhanced adrenaline pumping through it, my steps trying desperately to stay in line with my guide. Overexerted, I felt myself falling toward the ground, like my engine had blown; I had pushed myself too hard. I was not a vampire and did not have their limitless speed or their longevity in physical exertion.

Lying on the ground, trying to still my chest's thundering, I cursed my human limitations. Kachiri circled back around and stood above me. She didn't look annoyed, as I thought she would; I would have been annoyed if I was her. Instead, she softened, the abrasive edge in her feelings toward me smoothing out. She reached down and scooped me up as though I was a rag doll. The breeze of her movement felt cool on my face, and I curled into her chest. The lack of sound calmed me, my own heart slowing, attempting to mimic what it would never achieve, eager for the next degree of peace.