Author's Note: Whew! Here's the next installment for you all. It was hard for me to write this because I somehow injured my hand (in my sleep, of all things) and it really effing hurts to write. Hmm, maybe I live a secret life in my sleep as a secret-double-agent-assassin-ninja? That would be pretty cool. And would explain how I hurt my frickin' hand. Well, I hope you all enjoy this episode. Later! Read and review, please!
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.
Blood -
Episode 7
I Must Do It
Riku hopped out of the lifeboat that'd taken him from the mainland to the huge cruiser ship he was now boarding and hopped merrily up the gangplank to the entrance up ahead. He was in such a good mood today! Er, tonight! Saya and Kai were back, Dad was alive, and he'd set the Tivo to record the finale of I Love New York 2! In his own personal opinion, neither of the men were right for New York, since Tailormade was such a wimp and Buddha was a complete psycho. But anyway, onto more important things!
"Daddy!" Riku cried in delight, bursting in through the front doors and hugging the closest large bulk he could find. That large bulk turned out to be Louis. "Hmm…" Riku paused a moment, his face buried in the plump man's stomach, and squeezed him experimentally. "Dad isn't this big…" he mused, "and he doesn't smell like Frito's, either."
"Get off!" Louis barked, shaking the kid off of him. "I'm not your damn dad, kid!" Kai slowly walked up to Riku and placed a brotherly hand on his shoulder.
"Listen to me, Riku," he said with the utmost serenity and calm, "something very serious has happened. Now, lemme break it to you gently." He paused, searching for the right words. "Dad's dead! He's dead, Riku!" He shrieked, seizing his brother by the shoulders and shaking him violently.
"Aaaaaaaaugh! Nooooo!" Riku screamed along, tears pouring down his face.
"Yes! Yes!" Kai assured, still shaking him. "He died horribly! I had to stand there and watch! It was horrible and bloody and-"
"Stop it!" David snarled, shoving Kai away and calming down Riku. "Lemme show you how it's done," he muttered, shooting Kai a glare. He paused as he also searched for the correct words. "Listen, kid, your dad…he's DEAD! Dead!"
"NOOOOOO!" Riku shrieked, once again being shaken and crying bitterly.
"Yes! He's dead, mercilessly slaughtered by none other than your beloved sister, Saya! He's gone, gone forever!"
"Aaaaaaaaaugh!"
"Oh, for the love of God!" Julia huffed, kicking David away and taking Riku's hand. "Listen to me, Riku! I'm sorry, but George is dead. Okay?"
"Oh, alright," Riku replied sweetly, calmly accepting this.
"Wha…?" Kai and David sputtered. "What was with all the yelling and screaming before?"
"Oh, that?" Riku shrugged. "I just like to mess with ya."
"Why you little-"
-With Saya-
Elsewhere onboard the huge ship, Saya lay on a medical cot, deep in la-la land. In other words, she's dreamin', alright? She was in a strange hallway place, filled with flowers, following her father down the hall. He entered a room and when she followed him in, she was horrified to see the nightmarish figure of…Mariah Carey?!
"AAAAAAUUUUUGHHH!" Saya shrieked, sitting bolt upright as she snapped awake. She hurriedly looked around and realized where she was. "Thank goodness, it was only a dream!" She breathed a sigh of relief and settled back down on the bed. Closing her eyes, she began thinking of her father, his sweet voice, his nasty shirt, his-
"RIKU!!" A voice echoed loudly down the hall. "Open this mother-bleeping door this instant! Don't play games with me, mister! I will seriously bleep you up! You'll come up off the ground, I'm-a smack you so hard! Hey!! You listenin'?!"
Saya sighed and rolled off the bed to see what all the hubbub was about. It was Kai, predictably, trying to coax/threaten Riku into coming out of his room, where he'd locked himself in. Doesn't he realize that's a reward for everyone else? Whatever.
"Riku, open this door!" Kai barked, banging on the door. No answer. He looked over at Louis, who stood by his side, holding a plate of food obviously meant for the little boy. "Alright, Louis! Knock the door down!" Kai ordered.
"Why, because I'm fat?" Louis asked indignantly, frowning.
"No, because you're black," Kai corrected matter-of-factly. Louis gave him a ganstah-wanna-cap-you-bitch glare, then settled with chucking the plate of food at Kai's head and went grumbling away down the hall. "Lotta help you are!" Kai shot after him, then noticed Saya standing beside him. "Oh, Saya! Perfect timing! Dad's killer- er, I mean, sweet sister, would you please kill Riku- uh, persuade Riku to open this door so I can kick his little bratty butt?" He smiled innocently at her.
Saya gave him a heroine-wanna-gut-you-bitch glare, then settled with kneeing him in the groin and storming away after Louis.
"Fine, everyone just leave me!" Kai gurgled from the ground. "I don't need any of you losers! I'm fine by myself!" He began to sniffle, softly. "I feel so alone!"
-Back at Yanbaru-
At the blasted sight of what had once been the Yanbaru facility, the same reporter guy, Okamura, from the past episodes was snooping around. He scoured the ruins, wearing a Sherlock Holmes green hat, cape, and pipe, whilst also peering around with a magnifying glass.
"Hmm! This is mighty suspicious!" He mused to himself, nibbling at the end of the pipe clenched between his teeth. "Mighty suspicious, indeed! I'm almost 50 sure…a bomb was dropped near here."
The idiot was standing in the middle of the damn crater.
"Can we go now?" Okamura's friend complained, deathly bored.
"Who the hell are you?" Okamura sputtered, training his magnifying glass on the stranger. "Can I call you Watson?"
"Sure, sure, whatever," Watson sighed. "I'm only here for, like, five minutes, so let's just yap about some unimportant stuff, then the story will move back to the main characters."
"Alright!" Okamura agreed. "Wait a minute…we've used up all our time! Son of a--"
-Back Onboard the Ship-
"Here's the chip," David said, handing Julia the computer chip he'd downloaded all the files from Yanbaru onto. Immediately the door popped open and Louis poked his head in.
"Did someone just say 'chip'?" He asked hopefully.
"Get outta here!" David barked, beating the man back and closing the door. Julia inserted the chip into her computer and the information began to boot up.
"You like my background?" She asked David as he stalked back over. It was of him, naked, covered with rose petals.
"It's…interesting," David coughed. "But anyway, back to the info…" Julia sighed heavily and went back to analyzing the data.
-Back to Okamura Again!-
My, my, my! What do you know, we're back with the reporter-man and his assistant, eating in a restaurant somewhere! That's a surprise! The two men sat at a low, Japanese table, slurping on some noodles or something.
"…What the heck are we eating, again?" Watson asked, eying his dish.
"Hell, I don't know," Okamura grunted. "It's something Japanese! Let's just say it's pizza, okay?"
"Okay!" As the two men chowed down on their…pizza, another man entered the restaurant and headed for the counter. He had a big, bushy beard and was dressed in hunting gear. …Guess he's goin' shopping or something.
"Hey, man!" The hunter said to the storeowner. "Lemme tell ya about last night-"
"Dude," the owner grumbled, "I really don't wanna know about your crazy sex-capades."
"No! Not that!" The hunter hissed. "I was around Yanbaru last night!" Okamura dropped his pizza and stared in surprise at the man. "And I heard fighter planes!" Okamura leaned forward with interest. "And I saw men in strange suits!" Okamura leaned even closer intently. "And I was- do you MIND?!"
Okamura was now so close to the hunter-man he was almost making love to him.
"…Well, no, not really," Okamura admitted. "Anyway, could you tell me more?"
"Those strange suits," the storeowner mused, "they sound like bio-hazard suits."
Okamura gasped aloud and stared off into space for several long seconds.
"…You alright, man?" The hunter asked after a moment.
"Yes, I'm alright!" Okamura hissed quietly, not changing his dazed expression. "Can't you see I'm having a flashback?! Shh!"
"Oh, I thought you were havin' a stroke or something. My bad."
-Back With David and Julia-
"Damn! It's no good!" Julia smacked her fist onto the tabletop in frustration. "I just can't do it!"
"Would you stop playing Minesweeper for one second and analyze the damn data on the chip already?!" David exploded. The door began to swing open, and David angrily kicked it closed again. "Get lost, Louis!" He barked at the door, then turned to Julia again. "Not to mention, you really suck at that game."
"I do not!" Julia protested, then immediately clicked on a mine afterward. "Oh, darn!" She huffed angrily and threw David a serious look. "So, what will you do about Kai and Riku?"
"…Leave them at the pound? Look, I don't really CARE," David ground out. "Just look on that chip and get the info." The door creaked opened a crack. "LOUIS!!!" The door instantly slammed shut.
"Stop saying it, then!" Louis growled through the door.
-With Saya-
Saya, meanwhile, was busy eatin' soup in the cafeteria. Yum! As she slurped her meal down, her thoughts went back to how her father had slept with a chiropteran- er, I mean, had been experimented on with Delta 67 and died. Yeah. Cough.
"Daaaaamn, girl!" Louis drawled, popping up behind her wearing a "Kiss the Brutha" apron and matching hairnet. "How the hell you gulp that all down so fast?" Saya blinked, looked down, and was surprised to find she'd just finished off the contents of not only her bowl, but the entire pot of soup.
"Oh, um, whoops!" Saya blushed and quickly put the huge pan onto the table. "I guess I was really hungry."
"I'll say!" Louis guffawed, picking up the pot and peering inside. "That was meant to feed a large family! Guess I'll make some more…" He began shuffling toward the door, pot in hand.
"Um…why are you wearing a hairnet?" Saya couldn't help but ask.
"To keep my hair out of the food, duh!" Louis threw over his shoulder.
"…But…you don't have any-"
"You want some more soup or not, bitch?!" Louis growled in a suddenly dangerous tone of voice.
"Yes, please." Saya quickly shut her mouth and sat quietly. As Louis was busy clanging and banging pans in the kitchen, Saya began to hear a song coming from outside the kitchen, from the upper deck of the ship. Deciding her hunger was sated (for the moment, anyway) she snuck out of the kitchen and onto the deck, where she found Haji once again playing 'Superstitious' on his cello.
"You!" Saya ordered, jabbing a finger at him. "Tell me about my past!"
"Well," Haji began, pausing in his song, "we used to make sweet monkey love-"
"And tell the truth!" Saya snapped.
"Oh, fine." Haji sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. Pulling Saya's sword from his cello-case, he unsheathed it and held it up in the fading light. The last of the sun's rays reflected from the sharp blade, effectively blinding Saya with its brightness.
"Ow! Ow!" Saya squinted her eyes closed and held up an arm to shade her face. "Okay, what does blinding me have to do with my past?!"
"Nothing," Haji admitted. "I'm just doing this because it's fun."
"You son of a--"
-With Kai-
Kai was still having no luck getting Riku to come out of the closet- gah! I mean, come out of his room. He was having to resort to…drastic measures.
"I'll play it, I swear!" Kai cried warningly, glaring at the closed door standing between him and his little brother. "Come out NOW!" There was still no answer from the other side of the door. "Alright, fine! You asked for it!" Kai snarled, popping open his boom-box and inserting a CD. He then pressed 'play' and the most horrific song known to mankind began issuing from the speakers, a song known to make men go MAD.
"Mmmbop! Ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du, yeaaah, yeah! Mmmbop!"
"Hahahaha!" Kai laughed insanely. "How you like that, huh? You wanna come out now? I'm not turning it off until you do! I'll be playing it…so…is he singing along?!" Indeed, Riku was. "Dammit! Now I remember, I'm the one who hates this song! Shoot!" He kicked the boom-box off the ship and slumped against the door, sulking. "Great, now it's stuck in my head…" Several minutes passed.
"Hey," Kai suddenly said, "remember when we all went to the beach, and you were all pissy because Saya ruined your stupid Harry Potter book and locked yourself in the van? Man, you were a pain in the ass. So, then dad took off his shirt and did a little dance, but you still wouldn't open the door, so he fixed your dumb book with some dog-crap that was on the ground?"
"DOG crap?!" Riku thought to himself, huddled on his bed. "Dad told me it was brown glue! Stinky brown glue!"
"And so everything was alright again!" Kai went on. "See, you don't have to worry, Riku. When things get bad, we'll take off our shirts and do a little dance, and when that doesn't work, we'll use dog-crap to stick everything back together, okay? So…come on out, will you?"
"…Mmmbop! Ba duba dop-"
"Auuuuugh! No! You soulless brat!"
-Back With Saya-
Haji pulled back and began swinging Saya's sword in graceful arcs, dancing around on the deck like a ballerina. Saya watched in awe, greatly impressed with Haji's swordsmanship. He finally finished and held the sword out to her.
"Wow! You're really good with that sword!" Saya gushed. "How did you learn all that?"
"Oh, what, that?" Haji blinked. "There…was a fly." He quickly continued before Saya got a chance to hit him. "And about your past, sorry, but I can't tell you about it." He paused. "I can, however, save you a butt-load of money on car insurance by switching to Geico."
"I don't even have a car!" Saya barked. "When will you stupid people tell me about my past already?! Gosh-DARNIT!"
-With Julia and David-
"Alright!" Julia cheered, throwing her arms up in celebration.
"You've analyzed the data?!" David asked excitedly.
"No," Julia corrected. "I finally won at Minesweeper. Told you I didn't suck! Oop! Oop!" She jumped up from her chair and did a booty-dance.
"Aaaarrrrrgh!" David ground his teeth in frustration and threw himself onto a nearby couch.
-With Okamura…Again-
Now, Okamura, this series' Sherlock Holmes, was busy questioning some dude at a smelly garbage dump-site. Why, again? Apparently some peeps (from Yanbaru?) had dropped off some medical equipment at the dump, along with other incriminating evidence. Okamura was busy sorting through the medical equipment, trying to find out any other leads.
"…Is this normal?" Okamura asked, holding up his arm, which was covered with so many hypodermic needles it looked like a porcupine.
"Um, maybe you shouldn't mess around with that stuff," the other man coughed.
"Nah, I'll be fine." Okamura continued searching the site until he found something else. "Hey, what's that?"
"Uh, that's-" the dude began to say.
"It's BOOZE!" Okamura squealed in delight, snatching up one of the wine bottles and holding it upside down over his open mouth. "Ooh! And there's still some in it! Come to daddy!"
"Is he seriously an important character?" The other man asked. "Seriously?"
-Back With Julia and David-
"Booze?" Julia asked incredulously, raising a thin eyebrow at David.
"Yes, Bordeaux wine was delivered to Yanbaru," David assured.
"Okay, first pee, now booze," Julia sighed, holding her head. "I am so confused!"
"Let's just try and think of a reasonable explanation for this," David suggested.
"Maybe…" Julia muttered, tapping her chin, "maybe the chiropterans are winos? Or…or maybe…they were having a wine-tasting party? Or perhaps-"
"Correction, I'll think," David sighed, rubbing his temples.
-Aaaaand Back With Okamura-
"Damn, this episode is mine, bitches!" Okamura gloated, winking at the camera.
"Who the hell are you talking to?" A man asked.
"Er, no-one!" Okamura coughed and turned back to the man. "So, anyway, you're the next one on my list of questioning! Now spill the beans about the wine!"
"B…beans?" The man repeated in confusion. "I thought you were interested in wine?"
"DAMNIT, man!" Okamura snarled, grabbing the man by the collar and slamming him against the wall. "I'm only a two-bit minor character! Minor character! Now tell me about the wine so I can investigate some more and get more screen time!"
"Gaaah! Alright, alright!" The man sobbed. "It came from-"
-Back To Julia and David (Gawd, Enough Already)-
"A girl's boarding school?" David and Julia said together, staring at the screen of the computer.
"That…that was a pretty cool transition, huh?"
"Shut up and keep searching."
-With Saya-
Saya and Haji were standing in the rain, staring at one another (what is this, a frickin' romance novel?!). Every so slowly, Saya began reaching forward to take her sword from Haji's hands.
"Ga-CHOO!" Saya suddenly exploded with a silence-shattering sneeze.
"Eeuugh! Euuuuugh!" Haji gagged, backing away from her. "You got snot all over me!"
"Sorry!" Saya sniffled, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "It's cold out here, alright? I'll be lucky not to catch pneumonia and die!" She snatched her sword from him and quickly unsheathed it, swinging it over her head in a glistening arc. As the rain continued to patter down around her, she began twirling and jumping, doing exercise after exercise with her precious sword. She was exquisite, like a dancer, easily going from one form to the-
Slip!
"Ouch!" Saya yipped, slipping on the slippery deck and falling on her butt. Haji burst out laughing, throwing his head back and slapping his knee in mirth. Saya gave him a dangerous red-eyed glare.
"Hahaha- that is SO not funny," Haji quickly regained his composure. Saya looked up and caught sight of Riku, who'd been watching the act through his room window. Saya got back to her feet and smiled up at him.
"I'll always help you, Riku!" She called to him. "We're family!"
"Hmm…" Riku mused, watching his sister go on with her heart-felt speech. "I wonder if I should tell her these windows are sound proof…" He began remembering back when Saya had indeed ruined his precious Harry Potter book, and how he'd only come out after George had 'fixed' it. Then George had given a huge speech he didn't quite remember, then hugged both him and Saya to his chest.
"See, it's alright!" George had assured, squeezing the life out of his children. "We're family, we'll always be together!"
"Okay…" Riku had smiled up at his father, feeling much better. Then Saya had ruined everything by reaching over, snatching away Riku's newly-fixed book, and ripping it in half again. "Hey! God, I hate this family!" Riku sobbed, struggling out of George's hold and running back to the van, where he'd locked himself in again and the whole thing had started over. …Man, what a horrible memory.
-With Julia and David (Last Time, I Swear!)
"Hmm…it seems a lot of girls have met horribly disturbing deaths at this all-girls school," Julia mused as she looked up more information on the strange school.
"Okay, listen up," David drawled. "Number One: I don't care, and Number Two: there is no Number Two, I just don't care. What does that school have to do with anything?!"
"Well, it seems that one out of the hordes of murdered girls was found with all her blood sucked out," Julia commented.
"What, really?!" David narrowed his eyes and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "What do you know, I DO care now! Tell me more about this…school!"
-Back With Saya-
After Saya was done 'talking' to Riku (who didn't have the balls to tell her he couldn't hear a word she was saying), she sheathed her sword and went running back inside to Riku's room.
"Rikuuuu!" Kai was sobbing, face pressed against the door. "Pleaaaaase, open the doooor! I'm sorry I called you lame and useless and all those other things! Just pleaaaase come out! I'm so lonely!" Saya walked up to him and raised her eyebrow.
"No luck, huh?" Kai answered with a choked sob. "Here, let me try." Saya paused. "I Love New York 2 is on." Immediately the door slammed open, crushing Kai between the wall and door.
"Hot damn!" Riku cried, skipping out of his room. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"
"God I hate you," Kai whimpered from behind the door.
"What?"
"I said let's go watch it together!"
"Hey, gang!" Louis bellowed, appearing in the hall as if by magic. "Everything's alright, I made more soup!"
"…Is that a hairnet?" Riku asked.
Louis' eyes narrowed dangerously.
"RUN," Saya whispered.
-Elsewhere-
Mr. Argeno came staggering off his flight, knees feeling like water and barely managing to keep him upright. He'd made a grave miscalculation by getting on a plane – he was horribly susceptible to airsickness, and apparently angry Russian passengers next to him didn't appreciate getting a stomach-full of puke deposited on their laps. He'd barely been able to escape without getting his ass kicked. But the flight was finally over, and now the Frenchman was walking down the airport halls, waiting for an important character to show up. It didn't take too long for a young Chinese man with long black hair to step out from the crowd and hail him.
"…Zhackie Chan?" Mr. Argeno asked after a moment. The young man scowled.
"Not all Chinese look like Jackie Chan, you racist pig!" He hissed darkly.
"Jackie Chan!" A little boy squealed in delight and scurried over. "Can I get your autograph?" The young man slowly closed his eyes, tensed his body, and screamed through clenched teeth.
"Nooooooo…" He hissed in a gravely whisper, glaring death threats at the boy.
"Waaah! You're mean, Jackie Chan!" The little boy wailed and ran off back to his mother's side.
"My name's Karl, okay?" The young man introduced himself to Mr. Argeno. "Let's just go."
"Oui, oui," Mr. Argeno agreed, "but first, vill you give me…a hand? You…you get it?" He pointedly looked between Karl's face and his arm, who simply glared back at him. "…I've really got to…hand it to myself," Mr. Argeno went on. "Come on, now! Don't get out of…hand!" He waited a moment. "What, nozhing? I bet you can't even spell 'laugh'! Here it is: H-A-N-"
"Okay, we're leaving, French-ass!" Karl spat, seizing hold of Mr. Argeno by the front of his jacket and dragging him off down the hall.
"I have to say," Mr. Argeno continued, "you're quite a…hand-some guy. Bwahahaha!"
"SHUT UP!!!"
-Episode 7 End-
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +. …Or Jackie Chan.
Author's Note: Whew, done! My hand still effing hurts and I'm sure this didn't help any, but now that I have a break maybe it'll get better. I hope you're all having a great holiday and whatnot and this fic gives you a laugh. Thanks! See you next time! Review, please!