Let's go to the mall, they said. It will be fun, they said. Let me tell you something. Going to the mall can never be fun. It will crush your soul! Ruin your spirit! Destroy your insides! * Why? Well, you see, Angel's birthday is coming up soon. Nudge and Ella, being the great big "sisters" they are, wanted to throw her surprise party. Now, I am totally down with that. The party they wanted to plan was a princess party, because Angel is in that stage. I'm cool with that too. They wanted to invite some of her little friends. That is completely neato potato with me. They wanted someone to play the part of the princess and someone to play the part of the prince. That was slightly suspicious, but that was pretty much kay, too. They wanted Fang and I to be the prince and princess respectively. Not the other way around. That would just be awkward. Now this, this is NOT OKAY!
I do not want to be a princess! And I don't want Fang to be my prince. Well, maybe a little. Just a smidge. A nanobit.
"A nanobit for a giant." Nudge said, smirking.
"And that would be with your whole being," Ella grinned. "And you know what? Iggy will be a Jester."
Not oka-WAIT! IGGY IS GONNA BE A JESTER! HE'S GONNA HAVE TO WEAR TIGHTS! AND A HAT WITH BELLS! BELLS THAT JINGLE!
"Iggy…In tights…with colored squares…and a HAT! A HAT WITH BELLS! !"
"Umm, are you alright, Max?" Ella asked, backing away slowly.
"Nope," I said grinning, "You're making me wear a princess dress. But if Iggy has to wear tights, that's okay."
"Tights?" Iggy said, walking into the room. "I'm not wearing tights!"
"Haha," I laughed maniacally, "yes you are."
"Well, of course, who wouldn't wanna see me in tights", he said, winking.
"Ew, Iggy! You're disgusting!" Nudge, Ella, and I all smacked him at the same time.
"Ow!" He cried. "All right, all right! I surrender!"
"Good," Ella grinned evilly. "Now to get Fang."
"Why am I doing this?" Iggy groaned to himself."
"Eh, tightsboy, you think you have it bad? I have to wear a dress!"
"I have to wear tights."
"Point taken," I said.
Iggy smirked triumphantly.
"Tightsboy," I added, just for good measure.
"Shut up."
Ella and Nudge ran back in with Fang, grinning triumphantly. Fang looked incredibly defeated. Suddenly he smirked.
"Oh, hey tightsboy."
"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP CALLING ME THAT!"
I stared at him. Suddenly I smirked and looked at Ella.
Using our twin telepathy (even though we're not actually twins) Ella said, "Gee, Iggy! PMS, much?"
I smirked. "I'll get the pickles and ice cream!"
Iggy glared at me. "You've just been waiting to say that, haven't you?"
"Have I ever!"
"C'mon!" Nudge whined. "Let's go! Or else Angel will get back before we're done and then she'll wanna know where we are and she'll find out where we are and then it will be ruined and all of our hard work will be for nothing! That would be awful. And then Iggy will have to wear tights for nothing! And-"
"If you don't shut up, we'll never get anywhere." Iggy said, earning a glare from Nudge.
We jumped off the porch and were soaring. Within minutes, we landed in an abandoned lot near the mall and walked back into civilization.
"ATEEEEEN-HUT!" Ella cried. We all turned and saluted her.
"Aye, aye, sir!" We said together, sarcasm dripping from each word. She glared
Ah, here we go! Glaring a lot again!
"Anyway, here's the plan. First, we'll go to the prom dress store thingy and get Max's dress. Mom thinks it's great that we're doing this for Angel, so she gave me her card, and we're to spend as much as we want. I think it's actually a present from Jeb. After we find Max's dress, we'll go to that costume store. What's it called? Creepy Costume Cache? Eerie Ensemble Emporium? Something like that. There we'll get Iggy's-" she giggled, "tights, and Fang's royal robes." She shook her. "Ugh, those alliterations are getting to me. Anyway, away we go!"
Whoever owned the prom dress store must have been completely OCD because the dresses were organized from shortest to longest and in colors.
"Well, that makes it really easy," Nudge said happily.
"It does?" I asked "Why?"
"Because you can't wear one of these short ones," Nudge said, gesturing. "Princesses never wore anything like that. Even showing the ankles was considered extremely rude."
"Well that's a relief," I muttered.
"Well, the long ones are in the very back," Fang said.
"Let's see," Ella muttered, seemingly talking to herself, "Max has brown hair…so blue's out, as is yellow and orange…well, pink seems like the best choice anyway. It was either pink or purple, and pink is Angel's favorite."
"Hoorah. Sound the trumpets." I deadpanned.
I will spare the tortuous details of trying on every single blasted long pink dress in the whole damn store, and a crown, which Nudge absolutely insisted was not a crown but a tiara, and matching shoes. On the other hand, maybe I should tell you since you're obviously enjoying my pain. Nah, I'm too nice. But we finally find the perfect one. It covered everything but my feet and it was hot pink. Along one side were tiny rhinestones and thought the dress was solid, the arms were flimsy and gaudy. It was a nice dress, but totally not my style. Needless to say, I hated it. Also needless to say, Ella and Nudge loved. And so did Fang and Iggy, but I think that was just to torture me. So we bought the dress. And it cost a fnicking fortune. I mean, really! Who pays $550 for a dress. FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS! Ridiculous! But now that that was over, then came the fun part! Fang and Iggy. Now I can torture them!
Heh. Heh. Heh.
I sound deranged.
Ella opened up her map of the mall. I didn't even know they had mall maps. Mall maps. Huh. We made our way over to the costume store, which turned out to be called Freakish Fashion Fountain. Well, Ella had the alliteration down at least. Ella and Nudge ran all the way there, stopping only to yell things such as "C'mon Iggy!", "Fang, hurry up!", and "Max! Why the hell are you grinning like that?" Oops. I must have been grinning evilly again. Fang and Iggy saw my face and visibly blanched. I grinned again. When we finally arrived at the store, it took us fifteen minutes to drag Iggy and Fang inside, earning us a few strange looks from some people. I grinned evilly them. It took us about five seconds to find Iggy's costume. It was all wrapped up nicely in a plastic container with a picture on the outside. It looked like your stereotypical jester, with a diamond one piece jumper things that was tight, with made it look like "body tights" or something, and a matching hat with four flopping points with a bell on each one. Iggy glowered as Nudge exclaimed how perfect it was and Ella giggled and said it was absolutely perfect and how the guy modeling it on the outside looked sort of like Iggy.
"There is no way I am wearing that."
"Now, Tightsboy, that would be so mean!" I said.
"Just imagine," Ella continues dramatically, "how upset Angel would be?"
"Poor girl! She'd just cry and cry and cry and her birthday would be ruined!" Nudge said, adding to the mood."
Even Fang added is bit. "Max and I are doing it for Angel. Why can't you?"
So Iggy was forced to give in. Then we began the search of finding Fang's costume. This was a bit harder because there were several options and according to Ella we had to find the one that "compliments his skin tone" and "makes him look the most princely that he possibly could." Eventually, however, we found the perfect one. It was white, much to Fang's displeasure, and he looked at it as if were disgusting slime or something, though slime isn't so disgusting to us anymore after dumpster diving for several years. Well, anyway, the costume was white with gold buttons and tassels with a gold crown with emeralds in it to match. It also came with brown leather boots.
"No." Fang said.
"No?" Ella asked, feigning innocence.
"But Fang!" Iggy said, in a way that made me think what he was going to do was going to leave Fang in a very precarious situation. "Max and I are doing it for Angel! Why can't you?" That's Iggy for you! Using Fang's own words against him.
"Fine," Fang muttered, sounding resigned.
"Come now, Fang," Nudge said chidingly. "It's not thaaaat bad."
"Yeah," I put put in smirking. "Iggy has to wear tights," I said helpfully.
Iggy sent me a baleful look. I just grinned evilly. Finally Ella and Nudge got their got costumes. They were going to be my matching lady-in-waitings. Their costumes were fancy, but nowhere near as elegant as mine.
After a long, hard, tedious, annoying, boring, irksome, laborious, dreary, soporific, lifeless, insipid day, I could finally go home. FINALLY! FREEEEEDDDOOOOOM!
But not for long. Because when I got home, I got a shock that nearly gave me heart attack.
And we have a cliffy.
Iggy: No way would I ever wear tights.
Clementine: Oh, I think you would. *mutters* If I could just convince James Patterson to lend me the series. Just for a day
James P.: NO! FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, NO! NO! NO!
Clementine: Geez, so uptight. Destroy one priceless manuscript and cause the book to come out half a year later and they won't even let you borrow the serious. People!