Mary Sues 101
Lesson 6: Friends - according to Connie
Hi everyone! Welcome to Lesson 6 of Mary Sues 101! I get to instruct this chapter, and my name is Connie Moreau. I was mentioned in Lesson 2, by my wonderful boyfriend, Guy Germaine. Yes, I love him as much as he loves me, no matter how many times Mary Sue or Gary Stu try to break us up. We are very happy together! So please, try to respect that, okay? It's not that you can't break us up, but please don't pair us with one of them…please. See how nicely I'm asking? Pair Mary Sue with Kenny, did you see how desperate he was? Or Goldberg. Or Averman. Or Russ. They'd tease Guy and me a lot less if they got paired with a Mary Sue. I bet they'd talk a lot less about getting action of they ever actually got any!
Ooops. Did I just say that out loud? They're going to kill me. I'd better hide. But perhaps we'd best finish my lesson first, huh? My lesson is on Mary Sue's friends. Let's get this show on the road.
Mary Sue's Buddies:
Connie:
Sadly, yes, I am frequently one of Mary Sue's best friends. Naturally, I cannot resist Mary Sue's many charms, and so I instantly become her best friend, ignoring any social circle I'd ever had and shunning my long time mates in favor of Mary Sue. I am usually giggly and stupid when around Mary Sue, two of my worse character traits. But who can help being giggly and stupid around Mary Sue? She's just so pretty and wonderful! I gravitate to her; I'm sucked into her world and can't escape! You know, the same way black holes suck in all light and crush all hope.
Julie:
Julie is often in the same predicament as me, though Julie is often given the gift of a brain by the author, just because the Dean let it slip during the Varsity/JV game that Julie got A's. Sure, Julie gets better grades than me, but my grades aren't half bad! The only subject I'm not very good at is math, but math is hard, and I went to a public grammar school! Julie went to a private school, she has an edge! Not that I'm on a tangent or anything. The point is that Julie is often Mary Sue's friend too. Julie and I have been very good friends for a long time, and Mary Sue sometimes tries to come between us in stories. I would never dump Julie for Mary Sue, and I know she would never dump me, but Mary Sue doesn't seem to get it. She just jumps in there with her sparkling personality and make Julie and me hate each other. Not that she ever means to, oh no, only regular girls try to ruin friendships between other girls. Mary Sue just wants to be friends with everyone. She can't help it that other girls are incredibly jealous of her.
The Guys:
By the guys, I mean the Ducks who aren't me and Julie. There are always girls that are "one of the guys" but Mary Sue takes this to a whole new level. Not only does she fit in instantly, her many talents make her a valuable asset to have on your side! Playing pranks with Goldberg and Averman? She's a champ. Drinking and playing loud music with the Bashes? A pro. Performing double axels and triple toe jumps with Kenny? Mary Sue makes it look easy. Angsty self-torment with Banks? Mary Sue wrote the book on angsty self-torment! Whining with Charlie? She's – well, wait. Not that Mary Sue ever whines, but Charlie takes whining to a whole different level sometimes. Even Mary Sue would have trouble matching Charlie whine for whine. Either way, Mary Sue instantly fits in with everyone. Never does she make a social faux-pas, but she always knows exactly what to do to make other people like her.
The Varsity/The Eden Hall Cheerleaders/The Snobs:
Mary Sue is rarely friends with the varsity team, they're much more likely to have gang-raped her in the past, making her tormented and angsty and endearing her to…well, nobody. Rick Riley is a prick, no doubt, but I don't think he has it in him to gang rape somebody. Cole Southerland, maybe. But Riley? No. Anyway, Mary Sue is more likely to be friends with the Ducks in stories, but occasionally she is buddies with the snob crowd. This usually means she hates the Ducks with a passion (say it isn't so!), until something happens where she's trying to bring peace between the two groups. Mary Sue is indeed the reincarnation of Mother Theresa. Or, more likely, she will be forced to talk to the Ducks, realize they are quite all right and one of them is quite cute, fall madly in love with him, and become friends with the Ducks for that reason. It's kind of like Scooter and Julie but the horror story version. Rarely does Mary Sue ever remain completely part of the Varsity crowd. Yes, unfortunately, she always becomes our problem.
Others:
Mary Sue will occasionally have other friends. These friends are the author's way of trying to keep Mary Sue from being Mary Sue, but since she inevitably is, these friends usually disappear from the story by chapter five. This is a blessing for them and a curse for us, because it means more Mary Sue turning the rest of the characters into her minions.
There you have it. I've covered, basically, Mary Sue's friends. Sure there are more here and there, and variations do occur, but for the most part, these are the friends that most often show up. And by friends, I mean more poor, half witted slaves. Well, as I have accomplished my lesson, I am free to go do as I please…which, right now, is basically hide from Goldberg, Averman, and Russ for a while. Everyone else can take a breather. Charlie is coming up next with his lesson on Mary Sue's enemies. Have a nice day, I'm Connie, it has been a pleasure. Now just hope that Goldberg, Averman, and Russ aren't waiting for me outside the door.