The change in the Captain after that was remarkable. She didn't give up her research, but she did become much more present in their daily lives.

She spent less time at her desk and more time with Addison. They worked on projects around the house together, took day trips exploring the area, and Janeway even tagged along on a hunting expedition. Addison tried to teach her, but the Captain turned out to be hopeless at archery. The foray ended with Janeway trying to shoot with the bow upside down and Addison on the ground clutching her stomach with laughter.

They spent a lot of their time exploring each other's bodies, as well. Janeway found that she couldn't get enough of the other woman and wanted to touch her all the time. It was almost embarrassing, how little control she had over her impulses. She had spent a lifetime learning to control them and in six short weeks she had let it all go.

She realized she didn't care.

Sex had never been so satisfying. Addison knew exactly how to push her buttons. The first night, Janeway had chalked it up to the year she had spent being celibate. Even for the week after that, she thought she just needed to get it out of her system. But, it turned out, she just liked having sex with Addison. She had never had someone pay so much attention to her; focus so much on what made her tick. It was intoxicating.

Every morning they woke up together and Janeway didn't want to get out of bed. When they were near each other, she always had her hands on Addison, stroking her hair or running her fingers along her arms or just making contact with her skin. She would wrap her arms around her from behind, as Addison cooked, until the woman would shoo her away. At night, they would sit by the fire talking, Addison resting in the Captain's arms.

It was actually these moments that made the Captain the most content. Addison was surprisingly literate about a variety of topics. She couldn't discuss warp field mechanics, but she was an avid reader and seemed to have a vast knowledge of many different cultures. They spent much of their time discussing their opinions about books and ideas. For somebody who initially came across as a pushover, Addison was extremely opinionated and she didn't let Janeway get away with much.

For Addison, the entire relationship was a new experience. At first, the constant touching was too much for her. None of her previous partners had been affectionate like that. The only times they touched her was during sex or when they hit her. It made her jumpy, not knowing when to expect the Captain to come up behind her or try to take her hand when they were walking. Eventually, though, she realized she liked it. It was oddly comforting.

After awhile, Janeway began trying to get Addison to call her Kathryn. So far, she wasn't having any luck. She chalked it up to being a habit that would be hard to kick, accepting that it would be a process.

The only thing that bothered Janeway was that Addison never allowed her to reach the highest level of intimacy with her. Kathryn never got below the belt. The minute that she tried, Addison would redirect her attention. Janeway didn't notice at first because Addison was so good at distracting her. But when Kathryn eventually figured out what she was doing, it became painfully obvious.

Finally, Janeway decided to get to the bottom of things. One evening, after they had finished dinner they were lying out in the field, stargazing. Kathryn rolled over so that her body was pressed against Addison's side and kissed the woman deeply.

When she pulled back she said, "Tonight is going to be all about you."

Addison propped herself up on her elbows and grinned, "Oh, yeah? Who says?"

"I do. You haven't let me once and I'm feeling a little bit like I'm losing out."

"Captain, I can promise you, you are not losing out. Here, let me show you."

She flipped over so that she was straddling Kathryn and, with a devilish grin, started to undo the buttons on the Captain's pants. A second later, her expert fingers were in Kathryn and touching her in exactly the spot that got her worked up the quickest.

But Janeway was ready for this and she pulled Addison's hand away and flipped her back over.

"No, Addison. I'm serious. Tonight is about you." She smiled at her and let her hands roam underneath Addison's shirt. Finally, she pulled the shirt off and started to pull Addison's pants off as well.

Addison lay there as the Captain undressed her and Kathryn could feel the woman's heart starting to beat faster. When the clothes were off, she brought Addison's hands above her head and held them there while she kissed her. With both wrists in one hand, she brought her other hand down Addison's body, caressing her neck and breasts and finally, placing her hands between her legs.

It was then that Addison panicked.

She screamed, "No!" and forcefully pulled her hands out of Janeway's grasp. She pushed the Captain away from her and stood up, stumbling away. She didn't stay on her feet very long, falling backwards as she kept the front of her body facing Kathryn. She didn't try to get up then, but curled up and was still, other than her heaving chest.

Janeway, almost too shocked, finally went to her. When she got closer, she could tell Addison was hyperventilating, her breathing not being helped by the mantra of words that was coming out of her mouth. Almost unintelligible, Janeway finally made out what she was saying.

Addison was repeating, over and over, "Please don't make me do that. Please don't make me do that."

Janeway sat down next to her and hugged Addison close to her body.

"I'm not going to make you do anything. Shh, I just want you to breathe. Okay? Just breathe."

They sat like that for what seemed like ages, but what was probably only minutes. Eventually, Addison's breathing slowed and she stopped mumbling. She was still shaking, though, and Janeway didn't let go of her.

Finally, as the night was turning cold and Addison was naked, Janeway decided to take her inside. She gathered her up and, not without difficulty, lifted her in her arms. She felt a little better when Addison wrapped her arms around Janeway's neck and rested her head on her shoulder.

When she got back to the house, she laid Addison on the bed. She went to get a heavier blanket and wrapped the shivering woman in it. She got back into the bed with her and spent the rest of the night holding her. She drifted off only after she could hear the even breathing that indicated Addison had fallen asleep.

Addison slept well into the next morning. When she woke, the heavy weight of the blanket, in addition to the Captain's arms around her, immediately made her feel claustrophobic. She pushed her way out of the blanket and hopped out of the bed, memories from the night before flooding back to her.

Janeway was sitting up and watching her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, Captain. I'm fine. I need some air." She rummaged through her dresser and pulled on some loose clothing and then left the shelter, with Janeway following her.

She walked out to the river and sat down, cross-legged. Janeway sat next to her and turned to look at her.

"Addison, we've been through this before. You can't pretend last night didn't happen."

Addison dropped her head, realizing there was nowhere for her to go. She had yet to win one of these arguments with the Captain, mostly because the woman was relentless.

"I wish you hadn't done that, last night. Things were going so well, why did you have to ruin it?"

"Addison, you won't let me touch you. That's not normal."

"It's normal for me! Why can't you just let it go?"

"You know me well enough that you know I'm not going to let it go."

"Please, Captain, I can't talk about this."

"That's bullshit, Addison, and you know it. Tell me what happened last night."

Addison was silent and for a while, Janeway didn't think she was going to speak. But she gave her space to consider and eventually it paid off.

"I respect you a lot, Captain. It makes me happy to be able to make you happy. And I'm so glad you have this physical connection with me. But I know how you feel about me, especially after I told you about my childhood. And there's no reason you have to feel an obligation to me."

"What do you mean, 'I know how you feel about me'?" Janeway was looking at her, perplexed.

"The morning after I told you, you wouldn't look at me. It's okay, Captain, it's happened before. It's hard to respect somebody who let those things happen to them and to those around them."

Immediately, Janeway felt a pit in her stomach. She had thought that Addison was feeling uncomfortable about the kiss. But, in reality, she had been reacting to Janeway's own unease about it. While Kathryn had been withdrawing, Addison had been assuming that she had been disgusted by her.

"Addison, no! How could you think that? I told you, nothing that happened to you in your childhood was your fault. None of it. You didn't let those things happen, they were forced on you. I wasn't reacting to that. I was uncomfortable because I had kissed you. And I thought that it was unprofessional and that it would cause problems. I'm sorry. I never meant you to feel that way."

Addison didn't respond and Janeway pulled her face towards her, "Please, believe me. You don't disgust me. In fact, it's the opposite."

"How can you say that? I let people use and beat me. For over half a decade all I did was have sex for money. I've never done anything worthy of respect."

Janeway couldn't believe she had let this happen. Addison had laid her past out for her. In fact, Janeway had forced it out of her. And instead of helping her confront it, she had wallowed in her own self-pity and let Addison's insecurities grow into something much worse.

"If you think I don't respect you, then why do you think I am sleeping with you?"

"Sex has nothing to do with respect."

"It does for me." Janeway started to put the pieces together and they weren't adding up.

"Addison, why were you having sex with me? If it wasn't because you wanted to and you feel I don't respect you, what was your motivation?"

"I've told you, Captain. You needed it. It makes me feel good to be useful."

A pit was growing in Kathryn's stomach. The truth was, she had grown up as a privileged child. Her friends were educated and came from upstanding families. Her life had consisted of one path – her track to Starfleet.

From the time she had entered the Academy to the time she became a Captain, her life had been so focused she had experienced little of the outside world. Sure, Starfleet had given her some unique opportunities, but all under the umbrella of their rules and protocols.

She had seen some horrific things, especially since arriving in the Delta Quadrant. But nothing had ever been this personal. She couldn't even begin to fathom the psychological trauma Addison had gone through for her mind to work the way it did.

She looked at Addison and said, "I never would have slept with you if I knew that's why you were doing it. I owe you an apology. I was only looking at what I needed. I never stopped to consider what you needed. That's going to change, okay?"

When Addison didn't respond, Janeway shifted to her knees and moved herself so that she was kneeling in front of the other woman.

"Look at me. We're going to fix this."

"There's nothing to fix." Addison just wanted the Captain to leave her alone. The woman knew nothing real about her past and wouldn't understand it if she did.

The Captain recognized a losing battle when she was in it. She saw the barrier that Addison had put up and decided she was going to have to come at this from a different angle. Words weren't going to cut it.

"Okay, Addison. If that's what you believe."

They retired to their own beds that night, for the first time in weeks. Unbeknownst to either of them, neither of them slept much.

In the morning, Addison got up to make coffee and they met in the kitchen. Normally, Kathryn would have kissed Addison or at least touched her, but now she kept her distance. She realized, looking back, that Addison never initiated contact unless it was to have sex.

Other than keeping her distance, though, the Captain acted completely normal. She inquired about what Addison was planning for the day and asked if she could join her.

They spent the next few days like this, going about their routine as if nothing had changed. Janeway had to consciously retrain herself not to touch Addison. It was as if her hands had a mind of their own, constantly inching their way towards the other woman. She felt a loss and was surprised at her reaction to the new lack of physical intimacy.

For Addison's part, she immediately regretted how harsh she had been towards the Captain. She couldn't allow the woman to get any closer, though. Already, Addison felt she had become more attached to the Captain than she would like.

Part of her had expected Janeway to continue wanting to sleep with her. To use it as a way to get Addison to open up more. Addison couldn't believe that Janeway had given up so easily. But, when all physical contact stopped, Addison had been even more surprised.

She missed it more than she would have liked to admit it. Even though Janeway was still with her in every other way, she felt more alone than ever. She missed the nonsexual contact the most, but was miffed to find that she also missed the sex. It didn't turn her on, per say, but it made her feel closer to the other woman.

She found herself dreaming of the Captain, naked and underneath her. Every night, she saw the Captain's face, thrown back and moaning for Addison. That face taunted her and she would wake up with a jolt and reach out to touch Janeway, taking a few moments before realizing she was alone in bed.

It took her less than a week to realize she wasn't satisfied with the new arrangement. She was more miserable now than she had been on Voyager. She decided she needed the physical relationship with Janeway, if only to fix the bad feelings between the two of them.

She found the Captain inside at her desk and watched her working for a moment before walking up behind her. She took Janeway's hair in her hands and pushed it to the side. The Captain stiffened and turned to look at her, but Addison had already bent her head and placed her lips on the Captain's neck.

"Addison, what are you doing?"

She took her mouth away from Janeway's skin and murmured, "I've decided that we both need this. I was being too stubborn to acknowledge it. Don't you miss it?"

"Of course I miss it, but that doesn't make it right." Janeway felt her pulse begin to race as Addison's hands came around to her chest.

"Addison, stop."

But Addison didn't and she continued to speak in the Captain's ear, "Why, Captain? We can both feel how your body reacts to it."

Janeway closed her eyes as Addison's fingers found her nipple, already erect, and pinched it between the folds of the cloth.

Abruptly, Janeway stood up, breaking the contact.

"So, what you're telling me is you're ready to have this be an equal relationship?"

"Equal, Captain? Nothing is ever equal. You of all people should know that."

Kathryn was getting mad, now. Mad that Addison had just assumed she could touch her body without permission, mad that she felt Addison was trying to use her, and mad that her body was reacting to it.

She walked up to Addison so their faces were only inches apart.

"If you expect to get me into your bed, then you should also expect me to take your whole body in exchange."

She pushed her against the wall and kissed her roughly, letting her hands slide down to the woman's hips. She took her knee and forced it in between Addison's legs until they parted. Her hand reached down and rubbed at the seam of Addison's pants. She heard Addison whimper, but ignored it, her anger fueling her actions.

"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Her hand became rougher and she started to undo the button on Addison's pants.

Addison became limp then, the only thing holding her up the knee between her legs and the pressure of Janeway's body against hers. As soon as Janeway felt that, she forced her eyes to focus on the other woman.

Tears were running down Addison's face, but she wasn't making a noise. She seemed resigned and it was this that stopped Janeway in her tracks.

What had she been thinking? Damn, what had just happened? Her anger drained as quickly as it had come and she took a step back. Addison slipped down the wall and sat huddled at Janeway's feet.

"Oh, God. Addison. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She took another step back, unsure whether she should go comfort the woman, but not wanting to force her touch on her. Instead, she crouched down a few feet away from her.

Addison didn't look at her and Janeway panicked, convinced that she had ruined every bit of trust she had tried to build up with the woman.

But then Addison spoke and her words cut through Janeway. "No, Captain, I'm sorry. That wasn't your fault. I don't know what came over me."

"Addison, you may not have acted appropriately, but what I did was completely uncalled for." What an understatement.

"I draw it out of people. It wasn't your fault."

Damn. Now she had really done it.

"Please, Addison. Don't take one incident of abysmal behavior on my part to apply to the rest of your life."

"I just wanted some sense of normalcy. I thought I could handle it."

Janeway scooted forward and placed a hand on Addison's knee. The woman flinched slightly and Kathryn's heart sank in her chest.

"Addison, tell me why you're afraid to let me touch you."

Never before had Addison felt the need to talk about her past with another person. For the first time, though, something was prompting her to talk to this woman. She had already shared more than she would have liked, but still not the thing that ate at her the most.

Kathryn saw the hesitancy in Addison, which at least was better than outright refusal to talk.

"Please talk to me, Addison. Tell me what happened to you."

Addison felt everything bubbling up in her chest, uncontrollably.

"After those raiders came, I was sold to a man named Kufi. He was a pimp, but he only catered to high-end clients. So, when he bought new girls, he would teach them first, so that the clients would get something special."

"My only experience had been with my foster dad and when Kufi brought me to his room the first night, all I could remember was the last time it had happened. I remember screaming and fighting, like I had before, and when it was over, Kufi looked at me and said 'You'll learn to enjoy it'."

"In that moment, I vowed to myself that I would never enjoy it. The problem was, Kufi was good at what he did. He broke me down until I would do anything he asked. And after he had done that, he began to teach me."

"The first time I had an orgasm at his hands, I cried through the whole thing. After that, he taught me every possible way to give pleasure to both men and women, using my own body as an example. Every time he coaxed an orgasm out of me, I told myself it would be the last."

"And then, one day, I did it. My body turned itself off. Kufi beat me until I was unconscious. After that, I learned to fake it. I haven't felt pleasure during sex since."

"It was easier with clients, because they didn't care about what I felt. It was harder with boyfriends, in the years after I left Kufi. For the most part, though, as long as I was focused on them, they didn't notice. And, if they did, I would fake it."

"I didn't want to fake it with you, though. It seemed wrong."

Janeway could barely keep herself from wrapping Addison up in her arms as she spoke, but she stayed where she was.

"How long were you with Kufi?"

"About six years. He was arrested and I became homeless. My only chance was to find boyfriends who would let me stay with them. That was ten years ago. And then I met Timmy. He was actually the nicest of all of them."

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Janeway thought about what Addison had told her. She knew what she said next was probably one of the most important things she would ever say to the woman. The last time this had happened, she had made an error by not letting Addison know that she supported her. She wasn't about to make that mistake again.

"Addison, I can't imagine how difficult your life has been. I need you to know that nothing in your past affects how I feel about you. Apart from my previous horrendous behavior, I will do everything I can to prove that to you."

Addison nodded her head, accepting the words but thinking to herself that she would wait until morning to see how the Captain actually felt.

"I need you to understand something else, too. Nobody has the right to touch you like I did tonight. I want you to promise me something."

Addison looked at the Captain warily, "What?"

"If anybody ever tries to do something like that to you again, I want you to kick their ass. Including mine. Do you understand?"

"I don't know, Captain."

"Do I have to order you to obey?"

Addison smiled slightly, "No, Captain. You don't."

"Okay, good. I didn't want to have to. But I will if I need to."

They went to bed then, both exhausted by the events of the day.