Chapter 7 - Why?

(Mikey's POV)

Why?

That's the only word that kept going in my brain. Why? Would would Raphie think that?

Why?

I'm in my bed, hands over my face and trying to get rid of my tears. I hate being like this. I really am a big baby.

Donnie and Leo just got Raph calmed down, and I...I just...I couldn't help but put my legs to my plastron and hug my legs. And just let my brain fly.

Although, most of them would say I always do that.

When I saw Raphie, bleeding all over...and he collapsed, god dude!

That. Was. Intense! And the most scared I had been in my life!

Wait, wait. Let me backtrack for a bit. Well, heh, a long bit.

So, I've had this humongous crush on someone. For like the longest time! Only, he's the 'big, tough guy' who would probably, like, get all the girls you know? Well, if he was human and all. Tough, brave, loyal.

And I mean very, very loyal. Like he'd step in front of a car for you!

Or a bullet...

I couldn't help but choke up a bit, and my hand rubs my eyes.

I was so stupid! Why didn't I pay attention? Why didn't I do more? No I had to goof off and...grrrrr, damn it!

Well, like I was saying.

I always liked playing pranks on the guy, because he's fun! Leo would just a "No" and ignore me. Donnie would say he's too busy for 'anything'. But Raph? Sure he gets mad but then he runs after me. Although the dude can be a bit slow at times hehehe, but the chase is great. And it's a lot of exercise, so you can think of it as training, right?

And then there were times where Raph could see through me. I don't know how, but it's like he would look through my eyes and see what I was really thinking. So if I'm doing the whole 'fake smile' thing, he would give me a tap on the head. Sort of a 'cut it out' thing.

I couldn't help but smile. I remember when we were kids. Sometimes, I would need a nightlight (as embarassing as it is to think about now), but if that wasn't enough then there would always be Raph.

Raphie-boy.

Heh, the guy could see into me that the others don't. And to me, the guy was definitely a softie. Like I was saying, when the nightlight back then wouldn't work...he'd be there. Granted, he would huff and puff and try to blow my room down, but at the end of it he would still get into my bed and stay with me. So that the monsters would go away...Raphie was always good for that.

so what about his monsters?

I couldn't help but grab the sheets beside me and squeeze them, tighter and tighter, until it seemed like my knuckles were going to be as read as...

Raph's mask.

*Sighs*

When Leo and Donnie came to me, it was cool! Because don't get me wrong, I did think of Leo and Donnie in those ways as well. And it's been a lot of fun.

It just wasn't enough. Not nearly enough.

There were certain...things...that I didn't want to do with them. And it's nothing against Leo & Donnie. Like I said, they're great!

They're just not Raphie.

Heh, I guess first crushes can be the strongest, right? And I know it's not fair, but that part of me deep inside is really mad at Donnie and Leo.

I knew those guys thought of Raphie-boy the same way as I did. So why this waiting thing? So many times I just wanted to spill it out, right in front of everybody. And I can't just blame Leo and Donnie, because it's my fault too!

My fault for not speaking up! My fault for listening to Donnie and Leo, and there stupid pact!

"Oh, let's just wait until Splinter comes back. Tell everyone then?"

Why? Doesn't Raph deserve to know?

But something they said, it was a fear that really freaked me out. And, I think Leo was the first to bring it up. He pretty much said, 'What if Raph doesn't feel the same way?'

They were pretty simple words. But it was like a dumptruck hit me. What if he DID say no? It made my heart hurt, like really, really, really badly!

I was a coward. Plain and simple. I was afraid that he MIGHT say no. And that was it...I'd never get a chance to be with him.

To love him!

And I noticed things. I noticed looks that Raph gave...whether it being during dinner tables, or training, or patrols. And I just, well, just figured he already Did know about the three of us.

And why didn't I say anything? Because I was too scared to find out what his reaction would be.

Well, I guess I was waiting for him to kick open the door, tie me up, and just take me.

And Yes, I have dreamed about that before!

But then I started noticing other stuff. Raph would go out late at night. And when he would come back...he just felt 'off'. Sad! And then the Nightmares.

I would hear him! I would watch and see him walk out and into the bathroom. Sometimes he was silent, just staring into our mirror that we shared into the bathroom. Other times, he would storm over to his punching bag and go to town on it.

And other times, he would cry. Raphie-Boy, crying! And I didn't do anything!

It was because...because...I-I didn't know what to do! I didn't want to pop up and say "Hey, want to play a video game" or something even MORE stupid. I didn't want him to get mad and never even Try to talk to me.

And that's what I wanted, for him to Talk to Me! We've talked to each other in the past, although I know Donnie is usually the one Raph could talk to. The big guy thinks I'd probably tease him about it.

But I wouldn't tease him about this. Those nightmares sounded scary, just by Raph's noises. I didn't want to tell the others, because I didn't want Raph to close up. Ignore it and say 'it was nothing'. Or think I was just spying on him and, well, drive him away in further.

Although I guess I WAS spying on him. Because I was worried about him! And that night.

That DAMN night!

We made a deal Raphie, don't you remember?

"I can listen, and actually Do It this time. Deal?"

And you agreed man! You agreed, and I was just...stupid!

Countless damn times I could have just walked up! Talked to you, cornered you. Forget Leo and Donnie's deal of 'tell him later'. Forget waiting!

And why didn't I pay attention that night? No, Raph had to push me out of the way and take a bullet.

A bullet, for ME!

And god, the dude was bleeding. Bad! I know later, Leo and Donnie thought part of the reason I was so scared was because of what Raphie, well, Did.

Honestly? I didn't care. Yes, you heard me right. I didn't care. I no I'm an idiot, but i can put 2 and 2 together and get 4.

Raphie thought I was dead. Or dying. And to be more honest? That dude shot Raphie. Our Raphie! My Raphie!

I didn't care about that dude. All I cared about was Raphie bleeding. In my arms! Dying in my arms!

Aw man, tears are filling over my eyes again. Gosh, can't these stop for five minutes? I was so scared! And when we got back, it was just a blur. Whatever Donnie said, I did. Without question. Donnie wanted us to leave the room to let him work. And I didn't want to, I just couldn't. It had to take Leo literally dragging me out of the room. I needed to see that Raph was going to be okay!

Well, after that, it was pretty much me going into Raph rage. I even took it out on his punching bag. Just how stupid I was, how slow I was, why didn't I pay attention?

And Leo? Leo didn't even get mad at me! He just shushed me and took pity on me. That made me madder. Why am I getting pity? If it was Raph, you'd be all over him!

Of course, I felt bad saying that. It just popped out of my mouth. Leo said it was okay, but man the dude definitely kept quiet. And had one of those 'I'm the Leader, I'm thinking' type of looks.

This was probably the longest week of my life. Raph got better, which I'm sooooo thankful for that.

But I know the dude was in mucho pain! Because of me...

It was hard for me to visit him. Everytime I wanted to, I just felt useless. The dude was being filled with whatever painkillers Doctor Donnie was putting into him because of me.

Sometimes I would wait outside. I do remember some stuff from that.

I remember Leo being in there, saying something like:

"I really don't want to say something to piss you off. I really don't Raph."

Heh, that's true. Leo was trying. Looking in, it seemed like Raph was looking at Leo. But, well, kind of not. Leo was pretty much saying how sorry he was and everything. I didn't want to interrupt their talk too much.

Well, Leo's talk.

I remember another time, I heard a noise coming from Raphie's room. I jumped as fast as I could to get there, but Donnie had beat me to it.

And there was Donnie, cradling Raphie's head. It was definitely a Kodak moment, and I couldn't help but smile. Heh, if Raph was one hundred percent the dude would probably not let Donnie do that to him that easily.

But again, although Donnie kissed his forehead and was telling him how sorry he was, about how much we cared about him...it still seemed like Raph was not really 'there'. Maybe it was just me.

As time went on, I just couldn't sit in my room any longer. I had to see him!

I slowly walk into the room, and watch Raph in his bed. I look at the bandage convering his left shoulder, and a shudder goes up my body.

'It should be me there, not you.'

My lips tremble as I stare across his body. The guy I'm in love with almost died because of me.

My eyes widen as I see Raph looking at me. Is he looking at me?

But his arms rise. Well, one does. His left one is still healing up. And I can't help it. That one motion and I just crumble.

I run towards him and climb into his bed, hugging him and feeling his wonderful arm around me. It's like when we were kids, as I enjoy his scent and musk that made Raphie him. Just Him.

I missed his sexy, rough, deep voice that held a power to him. I missed his talented yet rough hands, rough from battle after battle. Protecting us, helping us.

And it all came out. How sorry I was, how I am so glad he was okay, how could it is for him to still be with us...

And I couldn't help it. I shouldn't. Or actually, maybe I should have done this Earlier.

But we almost lost Raphie. I could have lost him. And feeling Raph's warmth close to me, feeling Raphie-boy's breath on me, and his scent across my beak. I just couldn't control myself.

My hand touches his plastron. slowly up and down. I wanted to feel him. Make sure he was real and not some dream, that this Big Guy wasn't gone from us because I was too stupid to not pay attention!

My hand caresses over Raph's plastron, feeling every inch of him. It was like I wanted to memorize every corner, and every part of Raphie boy's body. And I just wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted to feel him.

"Mmm, Mikey."

I pause and look up, and see Raph's eyes on me. I couldn't help it, but I tingled. Raphie moaned, for me? Could it be? I'm not dreaming, right?

"You, uh, you liked that?"

And he actually smirked at me, and then said:

"Fuck yeah."

I couldn't believe it. Raph wanted this. He wasn't disgusted by us, or by me! He didn't hate me for being stupid, or for wanting to touch him this way. I didn't want to hurt his left shoulder, and I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already did.

Now I really did want to memorize every inch of Raphie-boy's body. Something I've thought about the for the longest time, and wanted for the longest time.

Raph. For me. Just for me!

My hands feel up and down his thighs, to his feet. And each move of my hand makes my Raph moan. He's moaning! Not in pain, and it's because of me.

I'm doing that. I always want to make my family feel good, or smile, or laugh. But this isn't just for Raph, it's for me as well. Being able to touch Raph like this, to feel and watch him moan.

Dude, I couldn't help but moan. Loud!

I go down to his feet, circling around each toe. I want to lick him. Up and down his body from his head to his feet. But not now. Later. Much later! I just want to see him like this, feel his body, and watch him.

Watch him moan for me. And cum for me!

I caress his neck with one hand, and rub his side with my other hand. But I had to make sure. Really had to make sure about something. I didn't just want to be molesting him.

Okay, I did.

I mean, I don't want to rape him. That's what I meant. So I had to ask.

"So...you want this, Raphie?"

As I waited, my entire shell shivered (I swear it did) when he said those words:

"Yeah, fer a long while now."

So, he did want this? Really, like really, really? And he said 'fer a long while', how long? How long did we waste by not doing anything? How long did he feel like this about any of us, or about me? Does he feel the same about the others, or just me?

I didn't care. I just had to kiss him. I press my beak towards him, and push my tongue into his mouth. I can't help it, it's like a drug that I'm addicted to.

I just had to taste him! My tongue laps up over his, and our tongues twirl against each other. I lick the top, and the the bottom of Raphie's mouth. It's a taste I can't get enough of, and while there are other things I WANT to taste...well, I guess I'd better wait until later for that.

I don't want to leave his body. It's so warm and so right! My tongue licks over his cheek, and right over his pulse.

I can feel his heartbeat. It's caressing my tongue as I suckle over his pulse, wanting and needing to feel that this was real. Raphie-boy was alive, and wanted this.

Wanted me!

I needed to see him. All of him, and better yet feel him. My hand rubs Raph's inner thighs, sliding it back and forth as I hear him moan my name. All the while, I continued to kiss and lap up right by Raphie's pulse on his neck.

I tell him everything. How he was the first I ever thought of, all the things I've wanted to do to him, how special he was...I was tired of holding things back from him. He deserved to hear everything!

I couldn't help but churr as I felt Raph's cock ease out into my palm.

'Mmm, Raphie's definitely a big boy.'

I stroke his shaft, back and forth. Very slow. And boy, seeing Raph moan and quiver was hot. Like Super hot! Better than porn or anything else.

I feel bad for saying this...because Donnie and Leo are nice. And hot. But it's just...

This was just hotter to me. And I didn't care how selfish or mean or rude I felt in saying that, all I knew was I had Raph under me. Moaning! Legs spreading for me, as I felt his precum ooze out from the tip of his cock.

The precum helped me stroke him, slow at first. I look down and see that his tail is wagging.

'Aww, how cute. Raphie's tail needs some playtime too!'

I massage his tail, back and forth with my one hand. My other hand is stroking Raph, as my body rubs against his.

I don't want to hurt his wound, so I try to be careful. And it's hard. Really, really hard!

God, speaking of hard. It's really uncomfy in my shell! Really is!

But this is Raph's time. I just want to see him cum, to release what he's got in store for me. To feel his cock pulse in my hand, and feel it hit my skin. I rub it faster and faster, and I do the same with his tail. I couldn't help but let my words fly out. How perfect he was, how sexy he sounded, and how awesome he felt

This was perfect!

But then, he said, well, that...

"Fuck, wish this was real."

It was like getting and electric shock or something. And I looked down at him, and gave a long and hard look. I couldn't help but ask:

"What do you mean?"

But Raph's eyes. Glazed over. He's seeing me, but...oh my God!

Painkillers. What did Donnie-boy say? Something about them, something like, grrr what was it?

Hallucinations.

Side effects. Sometimes side effects can be, hallucinations?

Oh no. No, no, no, no, NO! And then Raph speaks up.

"Nothin', don't worry about it."

What? Don't worry about it?

"No, it's not 'nothin'. What did you mean?"

I didn't just pretty much rape my brother, right? He was out of it, and maybe he was thinking about a chick or something, right? But hey, he moaned my name? But was he thinking...

But then, Raph dropped the bombshell. I had already felt like a huge idiot when I get my best-bud, brother, AND crush shot. Now, I really was the biggest idiot in the world.

"'K dream. Watcha want now, eh? Short or long one? Yes, I know they're all together. Yes, I know they've been with each other for months. And yeah, I know they don't feel fer me that way. Why the fuck would they? So how long we gotta play this song and dance routine? So what now? Gonna have my bros tie me up in a straight jacket again? Oh wait, let me guess. We got Mikey here, so is this going to be another classic case of 'Psycho Raph and the Bloody pipe'! The fuck do you want from me! I know what I am, god damnit! I know what I do, and what I've fucking done! Can't I get one god damn good dream about my bros...about Mikey. Just one! Is that too much to fucking ask, huh?"

When Raph finished, I just stumbled back. And I was-I-I-oh god Raphie, what did we do to you?

And then Raphie's eyes widened. He was thrashing and shaking, and I snapped out of it and yelled Donnie's name.

I came over to Raph and asked him if he was okay (as dumb as it was to say that), and I hovered over him. Donnie and Leo both came in, and while Donnie set up another batch of painkillers, I couldn't help but stare down into those eyes.

Golden ones, filled with so much fire and passion that were excellent to look at, were now dimmed. And he had the saddest look on his face. Sad, and yet a kind of acceptance?

And he said:

"Go ahead, it's alright. Hit me Mikey...payback time..."

And then he blacked out. And I ran out, straight to me room.

And here I was, hands over my face and trying to get rid of my tears, as Donnie and Leo were getting Raph calmed down.

And I thought back to that night. The words Raphie had said to us:

"Please! Don't put me away! Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

I put my hands down, and stared at the wall. I close my eyes, and then open them again.

And it clicked, it all clicked. Everything.

Raphie did love us. Raphie did want us. Those looks at the kitchen table, and patrols, and more...that wasn't 'wow, what are you guys doing?'

It was, 'hey, how come I'm not a part of it?'

He knew about us. Probably from the beginning. And he was never invited. No one talked to him. No one said anything to him. Maybe he saw us? Heard us?

'Okay Mikey...if it was you, and there was a Leo/Raph/Don Orgy Marathon or whatever, and no one went to you, how would you feel?'

Oh dude! Oh Raphie dude! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

And was that what the nightmares were about? Us throwing him away or throwing him out? Him 'not being good enough'? Him hurting us, or vice versa? Any other time I would go 'why would you think that'?

But, why Wouldn't Raphie-boy think that? We didn't do anything to help him think overwise.

'Psycho Raph and the Bloody Pipe'. I knew what Raph was talking about. I forgave that dude, like, a hundred times on that!

I'm the one that pushed him that day! I'm the one that kept pushing and pushing and making fun of him! And what about the times he's saved us! Saved me! All the damn times that-that, grrrr...

I'm the one who goofed up! And he got a bullet, saving ME! And he thinks he's a fucking monster?

I grab my nightlight nearby and throw it, as hard as I can. A big smash fills my room and I can't help but tremble. I grit my teeth, and my arms are shaking.

Whoa, is this how Raph feels when that happens?

I get up and walk across the lair and to the bathroom. I take a good look at myself, rub my face with water, and then walk out. And I stare towards the room that is holding Raph.

Raphael is my brother, my best friend, and my first crush.

He's our Protector, our warrior, and my Hero.

And I AM going to fix this, and I WILL make it up to Raphie.

'You've saved me from enough monsters bro. Now it's my turn to do the same for you.'