6 - The Pervert Doctor Must Die
Tsuna was in the middle of a soccer match when Nalea first detected it: Skullitis. She didn't point it out to the poor victim though. On no. She just let him think he was hearing voices and going crazy and left everything to Reborn. (She had learned that lesson after Haru. The crazy civilian girl was still trying to convince Nalea that their love could overcome… the fact that it didn't really exist. Or something. Suffice to say Nalea was never sticking herself into the middle of one of Reborn's schemes again without asking first!) Nalea was certain that none of her reaction to Tsuna's Skullitis showed on her face even as she silently memorized what the skulls were saying. There was no telling when that information might be useful in the future, but that's another story.
Reborn was dressed like the grim reaper as he told Tsuna what was happening. Nalea thought it was ironic but Tsuna didn't seem to see the humor of it. The Vongola heir tried to go into denial but the Hitmen didn't let him.
"It's common knowledge that if you get hit in the head with ten Dying Will Bullets that something bad will happen," Nalea shrugged. "I had no idea you could spontaneously develop Skullitis though. Huh. I guess you learn something new every day."
"Too bad," Reborn agreed. "His life was short but miserable."
"Do something!" Tsuna demanded hysterically. Tsuna was often hysterical. Nalea was not overly impressed.
"I am your bodyguard," Nalea admitted. "But I do not guard against germs or diseases. That's beneath me. And I certainly don't get paid to guard against Reborn. That's beyond me. Either way, this isn't my problem." Besides, Reborn wouldn't let his student die of something so silly as a disease. Not even a Mafia Disease would be enough to off the Vongola heir. Nalea may be uninvested in Tsuna's future (officially) but Reborn would need his student to live until he was the Vongola Decimo.
"It's also called the 'embarrass yourself to death' disease," Reborn informed him cheerfully and with false helpfulness. "Victims die within two hours of the first symptoms, so I'd estimate you've got until around sunset. Too bad I don't have the cure."
Reborn was genuinely in the wrong profession to be of any use here. What Tsuna needed (and would obviously be provided with – he was Vongola after all) was a highly specialized Doctor. The only one Nalea could think of that even might be able to handle this disease was…
"Wait a second," she realize as a bucket of ice sank into her gut. "You don't mean him do you?! Tsuna, you might prefer to just die rather than deal with that guy's creepiness," Nalea informed him seriously. "It's not worth your life, not in my opinion."
"He's not so bad," Reborn frowned at her.
"Hah! So says you! You don't fit his profile," Nalea bit back nervously. "You wouldn't know. He isn't 'that bad' - he's worse! No: he's the worst!"
Tsuna was more than a little intimidated at the idea of demanding help from someone who seemed to scare Nalea, but he was sufficiently desperate to ask anyway. Naturally, and got shut down harshly, much to Nalea's amusement. Reborn said he wouldn't call his contact.
"Please?" Tsuna asked.
Nalea knew an opportunity for exploitation when she saw one and threw herself on it like a rabid wolf. "I'll call him if I get to stay over for your Mama's cooking at dinner for the next two weeks," Nalea demanded. Seeing Reborn's glare out the corner of her eye she tacked on, "and you have to get into the top ten on your next test." That seemed to appease the Hitman, thankfully.
Tsuna agreed and they finally started on their way home.
"You know him?" Reborn inquired, inviting information on Nalea's past. She noticed but dismissed it. Reborn wouldn't sneak any information out of her that he shouldn't be able to find out just by looking at her. She was female. It was relatively obvious the circumstances under which she met Shamal. That didn't mean she was going to tell Reborn about her past.
"I hate him," she corrected. "But I get Mama's cooking out of this so it might be worth it. Maybe. Mama's cooking is very good, but that guy is very bad news for me."
They walked through the front door just in time to see Bianchi 'kill' Shamal and pin him against the wall with poison cooking. Unfortunately, it looked like he'd managed to protect his face.
"You want help with that?" Nalea offered her 'mother' just as Shamal won his way free.
"Nalea, my beautiful!" Shamal greeted, coming at her with arms open and lips pursed for a kiss. Frantically, Nalea neatly dislocated his shoulder and darted behind Tsuna, using him as a meat shield as she shuffled backwards towards the door to the kitchen where she would be relatively safe. Nalea peeked around the door frame and growled at the man like a cornered animal. Shamal, being a doctor, just popped his shoulder back in as though having a limb dislocated by someone with the ability (and probably inclination) to rip it off entirely was as commonplace as a paper cut.
When Shamal took a step forward Nalea threw down her most desperate card. "Bianchi! I will concede to being your daughter and never fight you about that again if you just keep him the fuck away from me!"
Bianchi reared up like a poisonous mother bear and outright roared at the doctor, "Do not touch my baby girl!"
Shamal did what any normal pervert would do when put up against a rampaging wild animal. He created a person-shaped hole in the wall with the force Bianchi used to throw him.
Cautiously, Nalea peered out from around the kitchen door frame, eyes narrowed in caution. Tsuna was standing there, defeated. He hadn't gotten the chance to talk to Shamal at all yet and was still laboring under the impression that his life was genuinely in danger while no one else was taking it seriously. Reborn frowned at the girl who used Bianchi to get Shamal out of commission so quickly, albeit largely temporarily. (He might be called Trident Shamal for his mosquitoes, but anyone with any experience with the man knew he was about as hard to kill as a cockroach.)
"Well that got out of hand quickly," Nalea admitted sheepishly. "I told you I hated him. What made you think I could stay in the same space as him for any sort of extended period of time?"
Shamal pried himself out of the wall with surprising success, dusting plaster off his shoulders and strode towards Tsuna. "And who might you be?" He examined his prospective patient's chest carefully, coming up disappointed. "I don't treat men!" It may as well have been a catchphrase.
Nalea couldn't help but scoff at that, body safely hidden behind the wall. "You call that a man? He's a child. Just because he had dangly bits instead of a vagina and boobs is not a fact that indicates that he is a real man. Gender is socially constructed anyway, and what would you do if you met someone who was intersex or identified as third gender, huh?"
Shamal's sexist brain largely ignored her, especially when she violated his strict mental gender binary. "Even so, despite his unmanliness I will not treat him… my lovely-"
Nalea ducked completely behind the wall. "Oh fuck my life!"
When Shamal made to pursue her, Bianchi bit the proverbial bullet. To protect Nalea and to ensure that this disease killed Tsuna, thus freeing her love Reborn, Bianchi shouted out, "Shamal, if you can catch me you'll get a big kiss!" and bolted as fast as her highly trained legs could carry her.
Nalea supervised their pursuit from a distance, not taking the risk of accidentally walking into Shamal's line of sight. She knew full well what he wanted from her and she knew she'd rather die than give it up. Tsuna fell behind the two assassins when they jumped over a seven foot wall and started racing across the building roofs. Thus began a merry chase involving dynamite, setting violent assassin toddlers on a wild pervert and Haru's LOVE–LOVE DESTROYER ATTACK™. (Haru's attack apparently involved hula-hoops and yet still failed to win Nalea's love, to no one's surprise but her own.) They still did not catch him. Nalea thought it was kind of sad. Especially when Haru tackled the wrong guy. Tsuna was small and fragile. He was not designed for Haru level abuse.
Suddenly, the Baby Hitman frowned, though she continued her invisible tailing. Where had 'Tsuna was small and fragile' come from? He may be weak and vulnerable, but that did not obligate her to protect him from anything but the lethal or crippling threats denoted in her contract. He wasn't her problem outside of that and she didn't even want the contract in the first place! It had been forced on her by that filthy stinking rat bastard Sawada-teme!
Nalea knew that getting attached emotionally to the young Sky would do neither of them any good. Especially herself. Nalea wanted a Sky, and Tsuna was one. It would be easy to let those two separate facts blur together in her mind. But Tsuna was not the Sky for her, and that was assuming that she even had one out there. Most never found one, seeing as Skies were so rare. The likelihood of her finding one… well, Nalea was a realist and it wasn't exactly at the top of her life goals. (Nalea did not let herself think back to the boy called Enzio. She didn't let herself remember.)
And of course, now Tsuna would just have to associate his survival with Kyoko's sudden appearance. Thanks for nothing Trident Shamal, for fostering the Sawabaka's dependence on the girl who would obviously break his heart one day if things were left unchecked and for feeding his Oedipus complex. Obviously that was just what he needed. Really.
Despite the angsty and sarcastic monologue running through her mind, Nalea did not approach the Hitmen and fledgling Boss in the street below her hiding place. It wasn't worth exposing herself to Shamal and beyond that, she respected Reborn's decision. If Reborn decided that he was willing to use Kyoko to help boost Tsuna's confidence then Nalea would trust him to know what he was doing. Interfering had cost her a stalker last time and she was not willing to repeat that experience, thank you very much.
She would follow Reborn's lead when it came to the Sawabaka. And maybe everything would turn out okay in the end.
AN: As an apology for this chapter being so terribly short, I give you this Omake, set in the distant future. (But not the TYL future that gets time-traveled to, the actual future. The 'happily ever after' future.)
Xanxus was in a truly foul mood. Granted, he was seemingly always in a 'bad' mood, but that was just his general set point. It was normal of him. But when something had him in an absolute snit? The Varia knew damn will to stay the fuck out of his way, scuttling through hallways as quickly as possible, just in case he managed to catch sight of anyone. Mere walls wouldn't save them if the Boss decided to open fire and they all knew that.
So when they saw the Vongola's Main Family Representative to the Varia, Virtuoso Nalea marching through the corridors with her head held high and even stride, most everyone snorted to themselves and expected to be getting a new Representative assigned soon. Bel was actually nice enough to try and warn her about what she was walking into, but she carelessly waved him off. He watched her go with a shrug. It would serve her right for ignoring him and she really needed to learn from her own mistakes anyway. That was the Prince Belphegor's opinion at least.
Nalea opened the door to Xanxus, the Varia Boss's personal private bedroom (as opposed to his public bedroom, which apparently was a thing he had for some reason Nalea refused to look too closely at because the answer probably involved Xanxus having sex and she still needed to be able to look the man in the eyes sometimes so it was better not to go conjuring those mental images) without fear. Xanxus did not shoot her. It wasn't until she threw open the curtains that she even got a reaction out of him. The windows, the surrounding walls and parts of both the floor and ceiling vanished with a single blast from Xanxus's X-Guns. Obviously, he slept with them. Nalea had fortunately (and unsurprisingly) had the common sense to dodge the instant she gave her position away in the silence and stillness of the room.
"Mini-Trash," Xanxus outright growled. It was a warning. It meant that if he was awake for anything less than the fucking apocalypse, then he might just start one anyway and make the effort of getting up worth it. Yes, Xanxus's growls and glares were that articulate. (It was a common language in the Mafia actually.)
"I have paperwork I need you to sign by this afternoon," she reported professionally, "and I am willing to negotiate."
A second X-Gun was leveled in her direction. Xanxus's flat stare indicated that he was not impressed, he did not care, and he was a heartbeat from killing her and just dealing with the Decimo's whining about it later.
Nalea's face was carefully neutral. Showing her cockiness would get her killed right now and she really should be more respectful of Xanxus's genuine ability to end her life than she was. "Did you know that Tsuna contracted an unfortunate case of Skullitis when he was younger, about thirteen?" Nalea asked. "This was back when he was Dame-Tsuna of course. Naturally, since I was his bodyguard at the time, I was obligated to stay with him while his life was endangered. He was minutes from death by the time we got him the proper medical help."
Xanxus's face read 'if this is true, I may spare your existence', though the X-Guns remained pointed at her steadily.
"I so happen to have a complete transcript of everything his skulls said while he was infected," Nalea chirped. "Furthermore, I don't care what sort of shitty little snit you've gotten your precious cuddly emotions in, I have a deadline to meet and now so do you. Are you willing to talk about that paperwork now?"
The Varia Officer Agents and a large smattering of their subordinates as well as the entirety of Cloud Division were all huddled near the Boss's bedroom door, mostly hiding behind Levi. As their Lightning, he was most likely to survive a direct hit by the Boss's X-Guns and was therefore elected as the group sacrifice for when bullets and Flames started flying. They didn't all fit properly and the Officer Agents got first pick on spots by virtue of being outright terrifying, but the rest of them tried to cower with their dignity intact.
Their awe increased the more time passed. Nalea had gone in and hadn't come back out yet, true, but there also hadn't been any sound of repeated gunfire or walls crumbling after that first shot. All indicators lead to her still being alive so far, since they all knew one shot was not enough to kill or likely even injure Nalea. The record length of time for anyone ever to survive being in the Boss's private bedroom was seventeen seconds. Nalea was going on twenty-three minutes, forty-eight seconds and counting. It was like some sort of miracle.
The large double doors opened and Nalea marched out, looking utterly unruffled, unsigned, and generally un-shot. (Her total time was thirty-five minute, twenty eight seconds.) Her folders were carried competently off to one side and her remaining hand was free to go to a weapon at the slightest provocation. About half the hallway collapsed backwards, reeling away out of some combination of relief, shock, awe and confusion. (The Varia Officers, of course, remained standing. They at least were Quality, damn it, and they would act like it!) Nalea raised a dainty eyebrow.
"Problem gentlemen?" she asked idly, obviously enjoying their reaction and not bothering to hide her amusement. Any moment now…
"How the fuck have you not been shot?" Squalo demanded. While Levi may claim the title of Right Hand, everyone knew that Squalo was the one that really fulfilled that position. If he though it was impossible to disturb the Boss at that time, then it should be fucking impossible.
"Honestly, I only needed this paperwork signed," she told them. "It's not like I just performed a miracle."
"I'll pay to find out what you did," Mammon offered (demanded).
"Not for all the money in the world," Nalea denied.
"The Prince will give you apple pie if you tell him the secret to not pissing off the Boss when he's in a bad mood," Bel offered.
"Very tempting. But not even then," Nalea shook her head. "Have a nice day." She walked right past them, stepping over and occasionally on fallen Varia members on her way.
Then the laughing started from behind the Boss's door- a deep, loud laughter that reverberated through the walls and echoed out the windows. It even sounded like Xanxus's voice. Squalo looked constipated.
Bel laughed. "Leave it to the littlest Principessa! Ushishishi~!"
"Mou~. Now I really want that secret," Mammon decided.
Lussuria was pleased by this turn of events. Nalea would fit right in around here and he knew it. (It was about time that the Main Family sent a Representative that didn't give up, die, mysteriously disappear or go insane within the first month and it was a bit of a relief to find one which would actually last.) Levi had sunk to the floor in a fit of depressed tears(and jealousy). This was just another event that reminded him of his resolve to kill Nalea with his bare hands. (At no point would he ever succeed.)
Tsuna's Brush with Skullitis:
"How embarrassing! I've never kicked a soccer ball!"
"How embarrassing! I thought the World Cup was a kind of Ramen!"
"How embarrassing! I get sick on the swingset!"
"How embarrassing! I'm still afraid to stand on the top of the slide!"
"How embarrassing! I skip school on days we have to get shots!"
"How embarrassing! I bit my tongue in my sleep!"
"How embarrassing! I fainted in the haunted house at school!"
"How embarrassing! I get called 'Dame-Tsuna' even by a kindergartener!"
"How embarrassing! I'm in middle school and I'm still afraid to go to the bathroom at night!"
"How embarrassing! I once fell from a persimmon tree and ripped my pants!"
"How embarrassing! I once put my underwear on backward and wet my pants!"
"How embarrassing! I once spent a whole day with takoyaki bits in my teeth!"
"How embarrassing! I'm short but when we sit down I'm the tallest person in the class!"
"How embarrassing! I used to call elevators 'evalators'!"
"How embarrassing! I can't get the timing right to go on a descending escalator!"
"How embarrassing! I've never spoken that much to a girl I liked in my life!"