Chapter 7

September 15th, 2009

Jack was out shopping, trying to find a birthday present for Ennis. It was the perfect day; he had his long lunch break and he knew that Ennis was busy at the vet's. They would meet up later if Ennis got away in time, but Jack knew by now that it was okay if they didn't; they would be spending the evening and night together anyway.

He strolled along the streets, keeping an eye out for anything that Ennis might like. He'd spoken to Alma about what to buy, and she'd confirmed that Ennis did like cowboy stuff. An uncle of his had a ranch in Wyoming, and Ennis used to spend summers there as a teenager. Picturing Ennis on a horse did something funny to Jack's insides. He would blush and remember Ennis riding him on a bed, and would have to cover his crotch.

Still, he liked thinking about Ennis as he went about his day. His workmates hadn't said anything to him, but he knew that they'd noticed how happy he looked. And he was happy; Ennis was a wonderful man. He was always putting Jack's health and happiness first whenever plans were made, every morning he would make sure that Jack took his meds (not that Jack would ever forget, but he appreciated it nonetheless), and Jack had caught Ennis glancing at him every so often, as if making sure he was alright. Jack thought it was very sweet how Ennis was so concerned about him.

He found what he was looking for soon enough; a Western-style store. It was full of exactly the kinds of things that Ennis would like, so Jack put his sandwich in his pocket and stepped inside.

The smell that greeted him was mainly of leather, but he wasn't put off. It was a little dark inside but he started walking around, unsure of where to start. A young woman with blonde hair and a nametag that read Cassie came over to him.

"Hi," she said pleasantly. "Can I help you with anything?" Jack grinned in relief.

"Thanks. I, um...I'm looking for a birthday present...for my boyfriend."

Cassie nodded. She hadn't met a gay man before, at least one who announced it like that, but it didn't really bother her too much. "Alright. So...he likes things like this, then? Western stuff?"

"Yeah. I'm not too sure what to get, though."

"Well...come on over here, I think I might be able to help." She led him over to where there was a selection of Western wear, and his eyes fell on the boots. There were some brown leather ones, and Jack started thinking of the months ahead when the weather would get colder. If it snowed, Ennis would be just fine in these. He didn't know if Ennis already had a pair, but at least these were brand new. He smiled and moved closer.

"These look real nice," he said, half to himself. Cassie nodded.

"Our most popular items. Made with real leather. Do you know what size he wears?"

Jack nodded. When Ennis had been in the shower that morning, Jack had sneaked a peek at his sneakers, checking the size just in case he ended up buying Ennis footwear.

"Yeah, he's a six," Jack answered, trying not to think on what they said about men with big feet. Even if it is true, he thought to himself with a wicked grin. He and Ennis had had too much to drink at the weekend, and had ended up messing around and giggling like school kids. Jack had produced a measuring tape and, full of laughter, they had measured themselves and compared. Ennis was bigger than him, but only by just over an inch or so. Jack's length was nothing to sneeze at, but Ennis...he was something else, Jack had found.

Not that he knew what it felt like, though. Ennis was still holding back when it came to switching roles, and still hadn't been on top, not properly. Jack didn't mind too much; he figured that Ennis was still a little nervous of the prospect, especially with his HIV status.

He pushed it to the back of his mind and picked up a pair of size sixes, examining them. They were very well made, and he knew that Ennis would like them.

After buying the boots and leaving the shop, Jack heard his cell ringing in his pocket and brought it out. Ennis was calling. "Hey, bud."

"Hi, Jack. Just got out of work, you wanna meet up?"

"Sure. I'm in town, so it'll take me a little longer to get there, but I'm on my way."

"Okay. See you soon."

"Yep, bye." He hung up and started making his way to the coffeehouse, eager to see Ennis again. He whistled as he walked, every step he made bringing him closer to the man he loved.

When he walked in, he spied Ennis in their usual booth, drinking coffee and looking at his phone. He stopped by the table. "Hey, bud."

"Hey, darlin'," Ennis replied, leaning up to kiss him. They pulled apart and Jack sat down opposite him. "What's in the bag?" he asked, looking at it curiously. Jack smiled serenely.

"It's for me to know and for you to find out," he replied. "It's your birthday present." The bag was plain white with no logo, so Ennis had no way of guessing what it might be.

"Oh...okay. You want a coffee?" Jack nodded and Ennis attracted Lureen's attention. She poured Jack his coffee and talked with them for a moment before attending to another customer.

Ennis and Jack spent the rest of their lunch break talking about what they would have for dinner later that evening, and what they might do at the weekend. It didn't escape Jack's notice that they were already practically living together, except for them each having a place of their own. He wanted to talk to Ennis about making it official, but knew it was too soon. Things were good right now, and he didn't want to jeopardise it in any way.

That night, they were at Jack's place. They had finished dinner and were now lying on Jack's bed, slowly kissing. As much as they both liked it when they were in the middle of having sex, they both liked this part; kissing and caressing each other, trying to convey without words that they loved each other.

Jack rolled Ennis onto his back and straddled him, smiling. Ennis looked up into the brilliant blue eyes; his heart full of happiness. "Darlin'..."

His lover leaned down and nuzzled their noses together. "Mmm...this sure is nice," Jack murmured, kissing Ennis softly. "One of my favourite times of day."

"Yeah..." They kissed again and Jack reared up onto his knees, hands roaming over the smooth chest beneath him. He could feel Ennis's muscles, and remembered that Ennis had worked on his uncle's ranch as a teenager. Clearly, the work had made his body like this; strong and firm. Jack smiled to himself.

"You feel so good...guess all that work on your uncle's ranch did you some wonders, huh?"

Ennis shrugged, blushing a little. "Don't know about that." Jack grinned.

"It's true. You've got a great body, Ennis...I know I love it." Ennis felt the happiness in his heart spread throughout his body, warming him all over. Jack lowered his eyes to Ennis's erection and stroked it lightly, eyes full of mischief.

"Jack..." Ennis breathed, arousal flooding to where Jack was stroking him. His eyes fell shut as Jack's hand worked in a steady rhythm, driving him crazy. He let Jack take over, losing himself in the deft touch.

Jack watched him, seeing his lover's face react to the touch and knowing what it did to him. He loved it when Ennis just let go like this, and it thrilled him to know that Ennis let him see this vulnerable side. They could be intimate and completely open.

He continued to stroke until Ennis stopped him, a hand on his arm. "Wait..." Jack stopped.

"What is it, baby? Tell me what you want."

"I...I want you inside me...when I come..." Ennis choked out, eyes half-open. Jack nodded, pleased that Ennis was getting better at verbalising what he wanted.

"You got it, bud." He leaned over to the nightstand and pulled out a condom, putting it on and coating himself with lube. He shifted so that he was in between Ennis's legs, widening them. He smeared the lube on a couple of fingers and manoeuvred them underneath, pushing one in and hearing a sharp intake of breath.

"Jesus, Jack..."

"Relax, baby," Jack instructed softly. "S'alright..." He pushed in another finger and scissored the two, watching his lover's face. Ennis's mouth was open and his eyes closed, looking like he was in another world completely. He breathed out slowly.

"Jack...ready..." he managed. Jack removed his fingers and lifted Ennis's legs, pulling them up over his shoulders. He moved closer and started to push in, taking it slowly. "Oh..."

"Shh..." Jack whispered, one hand on Ennis's face, eyes full of love. He pushed further in and was soon fully inside Ennis, settling in place. "Open your eyes, bud."

Ennis did so and was met with Jack's loving gaze. His heart leapt into his throat and he pulled Jack's face down for a deep, searing kiss, tongues curling around each other. Both of them checked their mouths regularly for cuts or sores, and for the moment both of them were fine. Knowing this, Ennis felt safe to run his tongue around Jack's mouth, and to allow Jack to do the same to him. Jack started moving inside him as they kissed, hands braced on the bed on either side of Ennis's head, fingers occasionally touching his curls and gently gripping them as they moved.

Jack kept his hips moving, pushing forwards and going deeper with every thrust. He broke his lips away from Ennis's and moved them down to his neck, sucking hard. He was at least mindful to do it on the collarbone, where any hickeys would be hidden by a shirt. Nearing the edge, Jack pulled his lips away in a gasp. "Oh God...Ennis..."

He looked down into Ennis's eyes; they were dark with lust and arousal. Jack could see that he too was getting closer, and he started nipping at whatever skin he could reach, kissing Ennis's neck and chest.

A few more thrusts and he felt Ennis tightening around him, shuddering. Ennis let out a low groan and shot in between them, head falling back to stare at the ceiling as he came. Jack thrust a few more times and was there too, face buried in Ennis's neck as he gave a yell. He collapsed onto Ennis's chest and sighed. Ennis let his legs drop and weaved his arms around Jack. "Mmm...darlin'..."

"You alright?" Jack asked tiredly, mustering enough strength to pull out before collapsing again.

"Sure am," Ennis replied, smiling and threading his hands through Jack's damp hair. "Don't fall asleep, you've gotta take that thing off."

"Uh huh..." Jack rolled onto his back and pulled off the rubber, getting up and heading for the bathroom.

When he came back, Ennis was under the sheets and smiling at him. "Come on, bud. Get under here." Jack grinned and crawled in eagerly, the warm sheets falling over him. He moved into Ennis's strong arms, head resting on his chest. Ennis rubbed his back and closed his eyes, still smiling.

Jack remained awake for a little longer, thinking. In just five days, it would be the fifth anniversary of the attack. He'd told Ennis about it, but hadn't wanted to discuss it further. It seemed that Ennis had picked up on his reluctance to mention it, and had followed suit, veering their conversations away from it. But in a few days, Jack knew that he would be unable to think about anything else. Luckily, it was a Sunday so they didn't have to go to work. Jack felt like staying in bed all day, and he hoped that Ennis would stay with him; to hold him if nothing else. He was grateful to have someone this year; someone to chase the nightmares away.

September 20th, 2009

Jack rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. It had been five years to the day since the attack, and he looked at the clock; it had been around this time that he'd been walking through the park. He could remember everything as if it were yesterday.

He hurried through the park, checking his watch. He just couldn't believe that he'd overslept, but he tried not to worry too much. His attendance record was pretty much stellar, so it wasn't as if one late morning was going to get him kicked out. But he still didn't like being late.

Shaking his head of the memory, Jack looked over to where Ennis was still sleeping, on his side facing him. Jack smiled a little and gently stroked the curls, trying not to wake him.

He was walking through a dense area of trees, about halfway through the park. He could make good time if he kept at this pace.

Jack drew back his hand and wiped it across his forehead, trying to push the memory aside, but it was as a film was playing before his eyes. He got up and left the room, heading for the bathroom.

As he passed a thick cluster of trees, he was suddenly hit. He felt a blinding pain in his head and sank to the ground, clutching it. He thought he was going to be sick. But he then felt a pair of hands on him and was unable to defend himself.

He reached the bathroom and bent over the sink, the familiar feeling of nausea overtaking him. He took deep breaths and tried to remain calm.

His pants were undone and shoved down as he spat dirt out of his mouth. "Let me go!" he protested weakly, head spinning. The man, whoever he was, straddled his back and ignored him. Jack felt pain as he never had before as his attacker shoved into him, much too quickly than was safe. He cried out and desperately tried to free himself, to no avail.

Jack gasped and leaned low over the sink, struggling for breath. This kind of thing had happened to him on every anniversary of the attack, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He bit his lip to stop himself from screaming; he didn't know what would happen to him if he attracted attention. He let it happen, unable to fight back, until it was finally over. His insides were burning with pain and he knew he was bleeding. His attacker pulled out roughly and he heard the sound of a belt buckle being done back up, and then he heard hurried footsteps as the man ran off through the trees. He lay there for what felt like an eternity until he could move again.

Jack was now leaning over the toilet, retching and vomiting. He was shaking and could feel stinging tears in his eyes, praying that Ennis was awake. He heard footsteps, a small gasp, and then warm, comforting hands were on his back and shoulder, rubbing and soothing.

"Darlin'...it's alright, I'm here," Ennis murmured, trying not to panic. He knew that Jack struggled to deal with the memory on this day, for Jack had told him so, but he didn't know it was this bad. "Shh...it's alright..."

He rubbed Jack's back as he emptied his guts of the food they'd had the night before, until there was nothing left. Jack slumped against the toilet, sweating and shaking. Ennis sat down behind him and pulled Jack into his arms, knowing how terrified Jack must be feeling. He somehow knew what must have happened to cause this; Jack was having flashbacks of the attack. He'd told him that this happened on the anniversary, but Ennis couldn't quite believe the effect it had on him. Jack clung to him for dear life and stayed there until he started to calm down, Ennis's soothing voice flowing into his ear.

At last, he pulled back enough to look up into Ennis's eyes; he knew his own were bloodshot. "Ennis..." He was grateful that Ennis was here, but could barely speak.

"It's alright," Ennis whispered, cupping his cheeks. "You don't have to explain. I'm right here." Jack nodded and started taking deep breaths. Ennis pulled him to his feet and got him a glass of water.

"You should take your meds," he reminded Jack, gesturing to the medicine cabinet. Jack nodded, but looked a little shaken up still. Ennis thought for a moment, and then looked at the list, taped to the front of the cabinet. He peered at it and then started taking out the appropriate pills that Jack was supposed to take, mindful to get the dosage right. He then sat Jack down on the toilet lid and helped him to take them. When they were done and had both used the toilet, Jack brushed his teeth and Ennis took him back into the bedroom. They crawled under the sheets and Ennis spooned up behind Jack, one arm resting on his stomach and rubbing gently; he sensed that it would calm Jack. He'd stopped shaking by now but Ennis could tell he was still shaken up. It was all he could do to try and keep Jack calm, and to make sure he was alright.

"Get some more sleep, Jack," he said softly. "You'll feel better later, then we can get something to eat, alright?"

"You'll stay with me?" Jack asked in a small voice, terrified of being left alone. Ennis kissed the back of his neck.

"Yeah, I will. I'm not going anywhere. You're safe now...nobody's gonna hurt you so long as I'm here, you hear me? It's alright." Jack closed his eyes and burrowed backwards into Ennis, finally calming down. Ennis continued to murmur in his ear that it was alright, and that he was here. As he drifted off to the sound of Ennis's deep, caressing tones, Jack believed him. He was perfectly safe as long as Ennis was here with him.

They slept for a few more hours, until Jack's rumbling stomach woke them both up. While he took a shower and tried to feel human again, Ennis started making breakfast for them both, thinking about earlier that morning and how he felt about it.

Seeing Jack on the bathroom floor like that had been quite a shock to him. Jack hadn't told him about having flashbacks on this day, but it made some kind of sense to Ennis. It had, after all, been a traumatic event, and it was no wonder that it was still affecting Jack. He figured that what he'd done for Jack afterwards was all he could do; just look after him and calm him down. He also realised that sleep was good for Jack in these moments. He'd slept peacefully in Ennis's arms for the last few hours, not stirring once. And Jack had seemed a lot more like his usual self when they got up.

Ennis put their breakfast on the table and heard the sounds of Jack moving around across the apartment. He smiled at Jack when he appeared, wearing jeans and a loose shirt. His hair was damp and when they embraced, Ennis couldn't help but take a sniff. Jack smelt fresh and new, and Ennis thought that Jack had cleansed himself of more than just sweat; maybe even of the dark shadow of earlier that morning.

"Feel better, darlin'?" he murmured, rubbing Jack's back. Jack nodded, a peaceful smile on his face as he was held.

"Sure do." He pulled away. "Ennis, I...thank you for this morning. I'm very grateful for what you did." Ennis smiled and kissed him softly.

"It's okay; I'm just glad you're alright. Come on and eat something. I reckon you need it, since you brought up last night's dinner."

"Yeah." They sat down and Ennis watched as Jack ate ravenously. He'd put a little more food onto Jack's plate than usual, wanting him to keep his strength up. Jack's health was even more of a priority to him than ever now, because of what he'd witnessed.

As they ate, Jack noticed Ennis glancing at him now and then, and chewed thoughtfully. "Ennis...if you wanna ask me anything, it's okay. I know you're wondering about this morning..."

Ennis nodded. "Yeah, I am. I know you said that things get bad on this day, but...you never mentioned flashbacks. I kind of guessed that was it..."

"Yeah, it was. Only happens at that time on this day, because that's when it happened. I get flashbacks, nausea...I'm just a complete mess and good for nothing for about an hour, or unless I fall asleep right after." He smiled. "I'm awful glad that you were there, though. You really took care of me." Jack slid his hand across the table to cover Ennis's. "Thank you." Ennis smiled back at him.

"No problem, Jack, as long as you're alright." His brow furrowed. "You...you are alright, aren't you?"

Jack nodded. "I'm just fine now. You did exactly what I needed." He withdrew his hand and they continued to eat.

"So what do you wanna do today?" Ennis asked as they put the dishes away.

"If it's okay with you...I'd like to just hang around here today. I don't need to go out for anything, so..." He shrugged. "Can we just stay here?" Ennis nodded and put an arm around him.

"Sure thing, bud. You wanna stay here, we can. Let's see if there's anything on TV." Jack nodded and they headed for the sofa, sitting close together. There was a morning chat show on and very little else, so they left it there and chose to make out instead.

Ennis looked down at Jack and smiled, nuzzling his neck. "So glad you're feeling better, darlin'. That whole thing this morning...it really shook me up to see you like that. I was...scared. For you. Didn't really know what to do. Thought I might have to take you to the hospital or something." Jack shook his head.

"I'm fine. Even my doctor said the same back in New York; that I might get flashbacks, and that it might make me sick, but it's not serious. And my doctor here confirmed that it was nothing to worry about." He kissed the tip of Ennis's nose. "Just glad you were here."

Ennis sank down onto him, breathing in his scent. "I am too. It's a good thing I was here...helps me get used to all of this. Looking after you, making sure you're okay..."

"You shouldn't have to get used to it," Jack sighed, running his hands along Ennis's back. Ennis rose up and looked down into his eyes.

"And you shouldn't have to deal with being positive. Nobody should. But this is how it is, Jack. You're dealing with this, and we're together, so...I have to deal with it, too. I...I care about you an awful lot, Jack. I want to be here for you, whenever you need me."

Jack felt the lump in his throat and pulled Ennis down for a kiss, one full of longing. He then wrapped his arms around Ennis fully and they lay there for a while.

They spent the day reading and watching TV, eating when hunger struck them. Jack ordered in a pizza for the evening and they sat with the box on Ennis's lap and Jack resting against him. Jack was his usual self again and much calmer and happier.

By the time they went to bed, Jack was eager to make love with Ennis, and showed it as they kissed and rubbed against each other to orgasm. They held each other close and Ennis continued to whisper to Jack that he was here for him and always would be. Jack murmured his thanks and they dropped off once more, the bad morning they'd had now a distant memory. If there was one good thing that had come of it, it was that they were closer than ever now, and their bond was strengthened.

The day after, Jack went into the coffeehouse during his lunch break, looking for Lureen. He knew that Ennis tended to run a little late, as there were often emergencies at the vet's, but he could pass the time well enough. And it wasn't as if he didn't see Ennis after work; they were spending every evening, night and morning together.

He found her behind the counter, wiping the cappuccino machine. "Hey, Lu." She turned around and smiled.

"Jack, hey. Good to see you." She lowered her voice. "How are you feeling? I know yesterday was..." Jack nodded.

"I'm just fine. I got sick in the morning, like I always do, but Ennis was there. He found me throwing up in the bathroom, and he stayed by me, rubbing my back and stuff." He grinned a little. "Then he got me to take my meds and made me drink some water, and took me back to bed for some more sleep. We woke up later and he made me breakfast, we talked about what had happened. I thanked him for looking after me and he said it was okay, because he cares about me."

Lureen was smiling too. "He's a good man, Jack. I was talking to Alma about it...you two really seem to care about each other a lot."

Jack looked thoughtful. "How does Alma feel about it all? She's always been really nice to me, but..."

"She's fine, she really is. I think that she knows she was never going to make Ennis happy, with him being gay. And she knows that it's not something wrong with her. She really is happy for you guys, just like I am." Lureen hesitated. "Jack...can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Well...have you and Ennis...talked about your feelings much?"

"Yeah, now and then. We know that we care about each other, and we're really close. Why?"

"Have you said the L word yet?" she asked, tilting her head. Jack lowered his eyes.

"No, not yet. Every time I try, I get tongue-tied. Can't do it."

"So you do, then?" she asked, placing her hand over his, looking sympathetic.

"Yeah, I..." He looked up at her. "I love him, Lureen. I'm in love with him..." She smiled.

"So what's scaring you? Why can't you say it to him? He's not exactly going to hit the roof..."

"I know, but...what if he doesn't feel the same?" Jack asked her, eyes sorrowful. "I just...I love him so much, and he does so much for me. I've never really done much for him, when you compare..."

"Oh, Jack..." she sighed, shaking her head. "I bet you've made him very happy. He's done all those things for you because he thought you needed it, like yesterday. So you've never had to do those things for him, but so what? You'd do them if you had to, right?"

Jack nodded. "Of course I would."

"That's it, then. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be doing things for them all the time. It can just be about making them happy, and doing things when they need you to. It's just different because you're positive, and you need him to help you sometimes."

"Doesn't sound very fair," Jack lamented, eyes lowering again. Lureen lifted his chin.

"Look at me, Jack. Both Alma and I agree that neither of us has ever seen you two as happy as you are now. I bet it makes Ennis happy that he can do something for you, anything to make your lot easier. None of this is really fair...but it's how it is. Ennis cares about you, Jack...and I know that it's very likely he loves you too. I've seen the way he looks at you...a lot of people go through life never receiving that kind of look from someone."

Jack looked at her and nodded. "I know you're right, Lu...but...I spent five years trying to find someone who would love me, regardless of what I have, and nobody ever did because any potential relationships I might have had never got beyond the first date. So...I'm just scared that even though I do love Ennis...he might not feel the same. I know he probably does, but..."

"It's hard to let go of that fear," she said, nodding. "I understand, Jack. You're used to not trusting people with your feelings, or your heart. So when somebody comes along, like Ennis, and starts making you happy, you're hesitant to completely let your feelings out. But you know what? I reckon that as time passes, and you guys grow closer...it'll come. You'll be ready to tell him, and he'll say it back. I'm sure of it."

Jack smiled a little and she let go of him, gesturing to the cappuccino machine. "Now then...you want one?" He nodded and was left to his thoughts. When Ennis came in and they sat in their booth together, Jack tried to see the look in Ennis's eyes that Lureen had told him about. Ennis did seem to look at him in a certain way, especially when they were laughing. It was tender, and his deep brown eyes seemed to sparkle at Jack. It was as though merely looking at Jack put that look in Ennis's eyes, like it was especially reserved for him. Jack didn't really know what to make of this, but he thought that maybe Lureen was right; maybe Ennis did feel the same about him. He'd said that he cared about Jack, and felt strongly about him.

So as they talked and ate their lunch, Jack tried to hold the belief that the day would soon come when he was able to tell Ennis exactly how he felt, and that Ennis would respond in kind. Jack was sure that Ennis was the one; the person who could make him truly happy for a long time, and if he knew for sure that Ennis loved him, it would allow him to drop his defences and completely open himself up, no holding back. He could trust Ennis to stand by him no matter what, and those three little words would seal everything, allowing Jack to look to the future and for the first time, not be scared of what might happen. He would know that he wouldn't have to face it alone.