"Hi! Is she up?" He asked Hermione as he stumbled out of the fireplace.
"Yeah, you can go in, I spoke to her in the morning; she knows you were here yesterday…"
"You did? Was …was she angry?" He gulped, his adam's apple bobbing up and down.
"Not much, she has had enough time to cool off. I am not too sure if she'll be all warm and welcoming, but don't worry she'll hear you out." She replied with a half amused smile.
"Thanks!" he exhaled audibly and then returned Hermione's amused expression with one of his own but added an eye brow raise for effect, "So, what brought the change, I thought you weren't on my side?"
"I am still not, but I felt I was really harsh on you yesterday," she replied shrugging and then quickly added before Harry's small smile could turn into a full blown grin, "Not that you didn't deserve it, but I thought you could use a bit of help."
"Thanks!" he replied smiling affectionately at her.
"Just don't be prat this time around and don't rush her okay...I don't think she's ready… not that I know if she ever will be…" she shrugged again trying hard to hide the trace of sadness in her voice.
"Hmm…I'll go up I think," he replied biting his lower lip, a habit he had picked up from Ginny and then as if suddenly realizing something spoke again, "Uh…does Ron know anything about what happened the other night?"
"If he did, do you think you wouldn't have heard anything about it?" She questioned back.
"Uh…uh…I see…" he mumbled.
"You know I think it is one of the reasons why she confides in me, I am safe…" she smiled sadly answering her own question and ignoring Harry's almost incoherent reply, "she knows I won't judge you or at least will try not to and I think more than that she knows no matter what happens between the two of you, I'll still stay friends with you…" she trailed off with a faraway look in her eyes.
"I have been a fool right?" His voice trembled slightly as he shook his head.
"Is that a rhetorical question?" She answered with a small smile.
"You and your words! Can't you speak simple English?" he replied returning Hermione's smile, though it didn't reach his eyes, he appreciated her attempt to lighten his mood.
"Anyway, I don't have the whole day to stand and chit chat with you, have to get ready for work, so off you go!" She finished dismissively and as if to emphasize her point gestured towards the guest room where Ginny was staying.
He knew he looked like an idiot standing outside her room, taking deep breaths and muttering words of encouragement to himself. He lifted his hand to knock twice but ended up running it nervously through his hair both the times. He was about to make another attempt at knocking when he heard Ginny's voice, "Harry, you can't stand there forever, I won't bite…come in!"
"Umm…uh… Hi!" he smiled nervously at her as he entered. He had known that apologizing to her was going to be difficult, so he had practiced what he wanted to say to her several times, but seeing her in those tiny boy shorts and faded t-shirt turned his brain into mush.
She hadn't looked up at him when he entered, preferring to keep her attention focused on the broom she was polishing and he was grateful for that, for it gave him a few precious seconds to pull himself together.
He debated with himself whether to join Ginny on the floor or sit on bed and then after a few awkward moments finally decided on the bed. He placed himself on its edge and waited for her to respond to his greeting, but realized soon enough that he'd have to break the silence because she seemed to have developed a rather unhealthy (or so he thought) interest in her broom.
"How are you feeling? You were sleeping when I came to visit yesterday…there was a nasty bruise on your face…Hermione said you'd sleep through the night…" he knew he was rambling like a moron, but his mouth seemed to have detached itself from his brain, not that being attached to his brain would have done it much good he thought, but before his mouth could continue with its senseless speech Ginny interrupted him icily,
"You didn't come here to give me my health bulleting did you?"
"Umm…yeah! Sorry. I…umm…I wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night…I am sorry, I know I was out of line, I mean…uh… I know I have no right to say anything about who you date and who you don't…"
She interrupted him again before he could continue, "Damn! Right you don't. Is there anything else you have to say?" She glared at him and strangely enough he was thankful for that because at least she had looked at him instead of that friggin broom.
He took a deep calming breath and looked straight back into her smoldering eyes before saying what he had really come to tell her, "Yes, I do. I am sorry for making that dating comment but nothing else. I meant every word of what I said; I miss you…more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I have realized letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life and I want to make up for it…" he got up from the bed and kneeled down next to her before continuing, "What I want to say is that I love you and I have been a fool not to realize that I never can stop loving you."
For a brief second he saw her eyes softening but even before he could allow his heart to flutter she turned her face away from him and spoke in calm but cold voice, " I meant every word I said too, it's over and I am not going down the same road again."
Her words pierced through his heart, but he hadn't expected it to be easy in the first place, so he steeled himself and spoke again, trying his best not to sound as pathetic as he was feeling.
"You mean you don't have any feelings for me now?"
"Feelings" she chuckled humorlessly "you know sometimes I wish I didn't but both of us know they will never go away no matter how hard I try..." she turned to face him and then continued in the same self-depreciating manner, "You think if I didn't have any feelings I'd have sent that owl to you and asked you to come over to my place? If I didn't have any feelings I wouldn't be worried sick about how ill and pale you've been looking?" She exhaled audibly, shook her head and then spoke again but this time in an almost steely tone.
"The problem is I have very strong feelings! Anyway, I have made peace with them, they can stay where they are but it doesn't mean I am ever going to act on them."
He realized she had the same blazing look in her eyes that he had seen years ago in the common room, ironically at that time it was because she was determined to act on her feelings and this time she had made up her mind not to.
He wanted to take her hand in his own and tell her it was okay to feel how she did, that he would never hurt her again, that he couldn't bear to, because hurting her hurt him more than she knew, but all he managed to say was scratchy and broken "I am sorry… I know I hurt you…can you give me another chance…please?"
"No, Harry I can't." She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath as if willing herself to calm down and when she looked at him again the blazing look had been replaced with that of cold hard determination, "Believe it or not I have some sense of self-preservation. You broke my heart twice Harry…I am sorry I don't want to give you another chance to rip it apart."
"But…I won't Gin…because not being with you breaks my heart too…can't you see it? I know its not an excuse for how I behaved, but when we broke up I was confused about how I felt for you…your Quiddich, the distance, it was just too much for me to handle at that time, but being away from you made me realize I'd handle anything as long as you are with me…" he knew he was pleading but that didn't bother him, he was willing to beg, implore, do whatever it took but what frustrated him was the stony look in her eyes and the fact that his words didn't seem to be enough even to him.
He raked his hands through his hair agitatedly and continued "I know I am not saying this right…but I love you Gin…that's all I know and please believe me when I say that I'd never ever hurt you again…"
"Your word isn't good enough Harry. Remember you told me that you survived that war year because of me? Remember telling me that I was the last thing you saw when the killing curse hit you? You made me believe that I am the one for you and then we have six bad months and you break up with me!" her eyes were still hard but he could see they were slowly turning wet with the tears she was holding back.
"Gin…I..." he tried to speak but she stopped him with an angry glare.
"I am not finished Harry! I know the six months before we broke up weren't great and I am not blaming you entirely for that, I took you for granted, but you know the day you told me you needed a break was the day I was planning to ask if I could move in so that we could spend more time together and sort out our issues. But no! You had already made up your mind…the relationship wasn't that important you in the first place I guess…" she wiped of the lone tear that had escaped despite her best efforts and fixed him with a fierce glare challenging him to contradict her.
"You know that's not true Gin…you were important me to then…you still are…more than anyone else in the world…" he spoke sincerely but his words sounded hollow to him when brought face to face with his past actions.
"Really? Strange isn't it that it only took you about a month to get over a relationship that was supposedly important to you?" She sneered.
"Gin…that…that….was just a stupid phase…it didn't mean anything," he stuttered.
"You know what, it doesn't even matter, it's not like you cheated on me when were together! But it hurt to see those pictures of yours plastered all over daily prophet. For about a month I kept blaming myself for the break up…I even contemplated asking you if we could try and work things out, but then the next thing I know you are sleeping with that auror!" Her voice shook with pent up resentment and he realized he had reached a new pinnacle of self loathing.
After a few moments of stony silence she spoke again, "Anyway, its good only that it happened you know, it helped me move on b'coz I figured that I probably wasn't that important to you in the first place." The finality in her tone as she uttered the last sentence scared him. He didn't want this conversation to be over, not like this.
"I didn't sleep with her…and yes I dated her and many other women, but that's what made me realize how much you meant to me. I was fool not to see what was in front of me and you have no clue how much I regret it everyday…but none of those women meant anything to me Gin…they never could…" he was trying to control the panic in his voice but it wasn't working, the way she was looking at him told him that this wasn't going to end well.
"It's okay Harry, you don't have to explain it to me…it wasn't as if we were together then," she shrugged a little too nonchalantly.
"No! I do and I have to because I love you…because you are the only one I have loved and I have hurt you so I need to explain it to you…" He wasn't making any sense, he knew that, but he could feel her slipping away from him yet again and he was trying to hold on to her desperately.
"Harry, this conversation is over. I am sorry but I am not ready for a relationship with anyone yet, leave alone with you. I do care a lot about you but I am not sure if I can trust you like that again…its either friends or nothing." Her tone was firm and her voice controlled, but she turned away from him as she spoke the last part and that gave him a little hope.
"I love you Ginny…I really do and if it's friends I'll take friends…for now, but I am not giving up." He knew his words wouldn't change her decision, but he wanted to let her know that he was going to fight back.
"Friends it is. Anyway I need to get ready and then go back to my apartment to pick up some stuff. Have a portkey to catch at 5, so I guess you should go." She replied getting up abruptly but still avoiding his gaze.
"Yeah…sure. So, will you write back, if I send you an owl?" he asked sounding wretchedly hopeful.
"I will…" she replied finally softening a little.
They stood in uncomfortable silence for a few moments before Ginny stepped forward and gave him a friendly yet awkward one arm hug.
"Hmm…so I'll see you in two months I guess…" he said dejectedly as he returned her "friendly" hug.
"Yeah…round about that," she replied shrugging.
"Can I come and see you?" he was pathetic, he knew it, what was the point in pretending he figured.
"Harry, why are you doing this? You know the answer." She replied trying very hard to mask the misery in her voice by feigning annoyance.
"Sorry…but you know why I am asking," he smiled sadly before walking out of her room.
Author's note- Sorry for the delay, but real life is quite hectic at the moment. Anyways please let me know if you spot any errors/typos. Also a request to my silent readers especially those who have added the story to their favorites and alert lists, I would love to hear what you have to say, so please please drop in a review.