VII- Nonsense Thoughts
"Memories are hunting horns whose sound dies on the wind." -Guillaume Apollinaire
"Hey, Ichigo," you looked up from your dinner and straight to me. I took a drink of water and raised my eyebrows in askance. You lapsed into slight silence then spoke up, "When's your first kiss?"
The water spurted out from my mouth in a mist of tiny droplets.
Ignoring my severe coughs, you did nothing but glared at me, then glanced at the small puddle of water on the floor beside my chair. "You're cleaning that up later, Kurosaki."
Regaining mastery of my lungs, I spoke up, "Wh— cough— why are you asking, anyways?"
You shrugged and took another bite of broccoli. You smirked up at me. "Curious. Why? Haven't you experienced it yet?"
I glared back at you but stayed silent. No way was I telling.
You chewed your broccoli and prodded your fish with your fork. "Mine was at… um, 15…" you said. I didn't even ask, Rukia, I wanted to say, but thought better of it. I don't think my head would want a bruise this time of night.
"He's… an idiot actually. It was crazy, unplanned, and spontaneous. Every event before felt disconnected but it led to that actually… I found a white rabbit, as white as the snow that was falling upon us at that time. It was running towards the forest…"
For that moment, whatever comeback and insults I had thought up off had vanished from my mind. Why does this so sound familiar? My arms lowered to the table and stayed there— dinner was temporarily forgotten.
"…we followed it. Well, I did, but I pulled y— him along. Reaching the forest, the rabbit was gone, lost in one of the shrubs there. I was searching for it, but he was just standing there, giving some sort of idiotic comment towards me." You looked up at me and gave a small smile. "I told you he was an idiot."
It was nearing six thirty pm… and the sun was already setting against the cold winter's sky, licking the previously grey sky with indigo and pink.
I told that girl about how rabbits had burrows everywhere. It probably had gone inside in it anyway. The girl stood up, defiant, with hands on her waist. "It couldn't have gone! It was just here a moment ago!"
I rolled my eyes. Of course it is, idiot.
I sat myself on the cold ground, my back towards a tree.
"…and he'd just sat there for what seemed like ages! Did I mention he was sooo helpful too?" You took a bite of your dinner, chewing slowly, remembering your past. I was too distracted to eat now.
"And then," you said. "I flopped down beside him. And I was just… frustrated, I guess. The rabbit was gone. Then he nudged my side, and pointed to the setting sun. For that while, I forgot about the rabbit. And we just watched the sunset together, up on that hill.
"Then, all of a sudden, he said to me, 'You have snow on your hair.' And then…"
And then I kissed her.
You stopped.
"Well, never mind with that." You stood up. I grabbed you by the arm and looked deep into your eyes. But you pulled away from me and headed towards the sink. "I'm done with dinner. You wash up your part. I'll just wash mine, okay?" you said, your eyes still avoiding mine.
"Rukia, wait…"
Without another word, you left the kitchen.
※
She collapsed on the two-seater, cursing herself. Why was she remembering all those moments with him— no, more accurately, why was she telling him?
Rukia rubbed her face and turned on the TV. The idiot box showed a scene between a mother and child. Rukia didn't recognise the drama series, yet let her eyes stray upon its story. She has got to control her mouth. She thumped her fist on her shoulder and cursed. Those three hollows had really tested her today. She hated it when there were multiple attacks— even more when she's battling alone.
"When you erase his memories about you… everything related to you; every moment, every word, everything, will be erased along with his memory," Urahara explained to me as I went back to the shop today. "Nothing will be left. Maybe he would have a bit of déjà vu feeling once in a while… but nothing more."
I stared at the tea left inside my cup— one twig was floating in the middle.
Wasn't that good luck?
"Is there a way to undo that memory modifier's effects?"
"None yet, Kuchiki-san. I've tried to make one… it didn't go as planned. The test subject forgot everything about himself in an instant. The poor fellow. The human brain is a complicated thing. I still haven't figured out that missing link yet to make something to help you out with this."
"I see," I breathed.
The twig was just a twig, nothing more. There was no good luck.
"Need help with that?" Ichigo's voice resounded in her ears. Rukia opened her eyes and saw him sitting beside her on the sofa. Without even waiting for a reply, he reached out for her and placed his hands on her shoulders.
"What… are you doing, Ichigo?"
He shrugged, before applying pressure on her shoulders. "Massaging you." Rukia's eyes widened at the pressure, before closing her eyes in satisfaction. It felt so much better when he was doing it. "You look like you needed it. Wait." Ichigo stood up on the sofa, and sat himself on the armrest. "It's easier this way. Closer, you."
Rukia repositioned herself, her back towards him as he continued his previous actions. Ichigo's attentions were to the blaring TV and he spoke up, "What's this you were watching? Change the channel, Rukia." His hands felt calloused— but it was a touch she was so familiar with. A touch that had once ran all over her, caressing her with loving tenderness.
She shut her eyes and placed that memory at the back of her mind.
She changed the channel to the sports channel.
He shifted his hands from her shoulders to her neck, massaging it with care even if his view was to the soccer match report. "Hey," he distractedly said, "If it hurts, tell me and I'll stop."
Rukia nodded her head. His thumb was rubbing circles at the nape of her neck. When was the last time they were this close before? His left hand was making upward strokes along her neck then they were back to her shoulders.
He kissed her bare shoulders, then dropping sweet kisses towards her neck. She hummed, her eyes fluttering close. He tugged on her shirt, slipping the neckline down her shoulder, his fingers lightly touching the skin.
He kissed her lips, his hands were drawing circles on her neck, just the way she likes it—
She pulled away from his hands, snapping her head away from him, staring at the beige fabric of the sofa. Anything but that memory, she told herself. Please… anything else but that. Rukia swallowed then turned around to face the TV screen.
Ichigo stared at her for a moment in brief shock. "Did I hurt you?" He looked so concerned that she thought she might just throw herself into his arms.
She shook her head. "It's… enough. Thanks."
He looked at her in askance, she could feel it, but Rukia ignored that look. She heard him say something, but she willed herself not to look at him. Rukia let herself focus on the recap of the football match on the TV screen. He was silent for a moment… then he slid himself down the armrest, his knee just barely touching hers. She pursed her lips and closed her eyes tight. Enough. Forget that memory. Forget it now, Rukia.
The moonlight shed just enough luminosity for the koi to be seen glittering inside the pond. He watched silently as the fishes in the pool flit by his vision of view. He did not see the man as he humbly shifted into his presence. The man bowed but he did not look back. He did nothing but ask, "How long has she been there?"
"Nearly a month, sir. Would you like me to ask someone to fetch her back?"
"Not yet, Toshio. We'll wait and see what happens."
"As you wish, Kuchiki-sama."
The koi jumped out of the water, and fell back in without so much as a splash.
"You sleepy?"
Rukia snapped her head towards him and involuntarily uttered, "Hm? What?"
He tilted his head and repeated, "Are you sleepy? I'm planning to watch a horror movie tonight at 11. If you're sleepy, you can go up to my room— I'll sleep here." His attention was back at the TV screen when he muttered, "A sleep deprived Rukia is like a horror movie itself."
Rukia glared at him and punched him on the shoulder. "Idiot," she muttered. "And, no, I'm not sleepy. I want to watch it."
"Huh." He shrugged. "As long as you don't crawl into my bed late at night, whimpering about how you can't sleep, then sure, watch it."
She flared red and slapped his head. "IDIOT." Rukia said that word loud, hoping that he wouldn't notice her change of colour. His eyebrows rose and a smirk slowly crept into his face. Rukia unconsciously touched her face and went, "What…?"
"You blushed," he pointed out, touching her cheeks; a chuckle dangerously bordering his words. Rukia slapped his hands away, pulled her legs up the sofa and aimed her feet to his left thigh. She kicked, hard. "I made you blus— OOF! OW!" Ichigo brought his left leg up and cradled it in his arms. His vision blurred as his amber eyes watered. Gritting his teeth, the young man fought to catch his breath.
He cursed at her.
"Hah," Rukia breathed. "There you go." Satisfied at the reaction, Rukia gave an exultant grin and laughed at his pitiful sight. "Never irritate me, Ichigo. I told you that, didn't I?"
※
She was leaving— that girl was leaving. Her eyes looked cold, but I still could feel something warm beneath the ice blocks. She didn't want to leave— but she was leaving.
She took out something cylindrical from her back pocket. There was a blinding light.
And she left.
She left.
She was gone.
She left, leaving me alone in this deep dark place, floundering, flailing, reaching out to her shrinking form.
I woke up.
I shut my eyes again, my hand on my forehead, massaging it. That last image had been popping in and out of my head too many times. And often it left this empty feeling in my chest.
My heart was still beating manically behind my ribcage, and I feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead. My breaths were hard and my head was spinning. Rukia, my mind said to me. Rukia, Rukia, Rukia.
I ripped my blanket away from my body and jumped down the bed. I ran down the hallway and headed towards the living room, all the while my heart beating like a madman.
Rukia, Rukia, Rukia…
I reached the living room and I saw your elfin figure curled up on the sofa-bed. At this moment, my legs felt like it was made of lead, but slowly I marched towards you. The room was bathed with silence, other than my and your breathing. I don't know what came over me but I knelt on the floor, to your level and just… looked at you for a moment
Rukia, Rukia, Rukia…
I reached out and with slight hesitation, I touched your cheek with the tips of my fingers. Maybe you were a light sleeper for your eyes fluttered open and I found my heart skipping a beat as I stared into your liquid indigo eyes. You sat up and rubbed those eyes; your soft black hair was alive and was writhing with static.
"Ichigo…?" your sleepy voice travelled towards me. "Is the movie… over?" You looked around the darkish room, blinking.
I didn't know what it was, but it felt like a sudden attraction, like magnets of different poles coming too close together. Maybe it was exactly that which took over me then; I reached out and pulled you towards me. I wrapped my arms around you and shut my eyes. Instantly I felt warmth spread all over me, and that empty feeling suddenly felt like it was never there.
I felt you stiffen with surprise for a moment, before you relaxed into my hold. You laid your head on my shoulder and momentarily I thought I heard you sigh. Falteringly, I held up my hand and stroked your head. You didn't comment, nor pull away, but I felt you loosened up even more.
My heart had stopped thumping madly… all I felt was the calm stillness of tranquillity in my head.
※
The next thing he knew, he was kissing her.
The next thing she knew, she was kissing him back.
The next thing she remembered was the kiss they had on that winter's day after searching for the elusive rabbit.
She missed him.
She realized on just how much she missed him.
"Ichigo…"
※
Your voice startled me and I let go of you at once. I saw you stiffen at the shock and I saw your eyes searching me with questions. I averted my gaze away from you as I muttered an apology. "S-sorry. I didn't…" I got up from my seat. "Just… never mind. Sorry to… you know."
As I was about to leave, you grasped my arm and looked at me with an incomprehensible expression. Your brows were creased with affront, your fingers were closing over my wrist, like you don't want to let go and your violet eyes were bordering with so many questions with I'd almost wanted to pull you with me so I can feel that calm stillness in my chest again. A part of my brain told me to stay here and reassure you, but I willed myself to go. Move…!
With a slight shake of my head, I left the living room, not looking back.
I closed the door to my room and slid down to the floor. I'm totally confused right now. What…? Why…? Who…? There're too many questions in my head. That woman— the woman in those images… was it? It… couldn't be, can it? It's not possible! I'd just met you just past a month ago.
The recurring images, the soft silky hair, those piercing violet eyes… and, just this evening, that rabbit story…?
I massaged my head with my hands— everything felt like it's been pulled upside down, shaken, stirred, and mixed into a big mixer. It didn't make sense, did it?
But… was it you, Rukia?
"You have snow on your hair."
And then I kissed her.
How does someone ask a question as absurd as that?