7
This is a bad week.
The only good thing to happen is Nyota apologising and telling me why she acted the way she did. I repeated my reasons of why I did what I did. She understands now.
I will never do that again. I don't think I'd be able to withstand her ending our relationship.
Father is in hospital. The pressure he has been under was too much for his heart. He suffered a heart attack. They found a fault. They wouldn't tell me more than that, but it has been fixed.
He was on Earth at the time. Thankfully, the Doctor he was given to deal with the problem is well informed in Vulcan anatomy, and father is recovering well. He talked to me yesterday, which made me put away some of the fears I have been having that he was dying.
I have discovered something else, too. In my anger entry, I wrote about the Captain not touching me, Nyota started having morning meals with me, and Doctor McCoy not teasing me. They are doing it again.
It is based on my mood. The lower my mood, the nicer they become. It is unnerving that I am that transparent to so many people.
It has gotten to the point where all three share meals with me. I think they are doing so to make sure I eat. I have no appetite and they must have noticed.
Nyota is spending all her spare time with me. The good about that is when I feel the need to be touched, she is there. The bad is that I am finding it increasingly hard to find privacy to meditate.
I am in desperate need of it. My sense of balance is slipping. While I am not close to losing control, I feel I may lose some part of myself if this continues.
I cannot explain it better than that. I feel broken in three pieces, and not between human and Vulcan, that is quite normal for me.
One part of me wants to stay here, on the Enterprise, and with people who respect and like me. Another part wants to go to my father and be with him on Earth for as long as it takes him to recover. It shouldn't be too long, he is strong now his heart has been fixed, and looks much better.
Another part of me wishes that I could spend my time living on some deserted planet somewhere so I don't have to try and live with all the troubles in my life. This part is the biggest.
Something is wrong with me, and I don't know what it is.
I will have to tell Doctor Stevens next time I see her. This is worrying me.