Regrets

It was a clear day in the middle of April and James held Andreas—over seven months old and a chubby delight to everyone in the house—in front of him on his broom. They skimmed along the top of the high grass as Andreas squealed and leaned forward.

Imogen watched from the sink, a cup of water in her hands as she smiled. She had never liked brooms much herself, but of course the rest of the Potter family played Quidditch and flew enthusiastically. Imogen stepped back, setting down her glass and using magic to send the clean, dry dishes to their places around her. She pulled out flour and yeast to start on some bread for the night when she glanced out the window seeing James do a flip and move upward, into the sky at a steep angle. He did a barrel turn. Her whole stomach bottomed out.

Imogen ran to the door, throwing it open. "James!" she shouted.

He slowed, and turned, a large smile plastered across his and Andreas's faces. "What?"

"Down! Get down!" she screamed. She threw her hand forward, not waiting for James to act as she forced the broom with her baby safely downward. She walked over, meeting a scowling James as he landed, reaching out and taking Andreas.

"Would you stop being unreasonable?" James snapped, dismounting the broom.

Andreas squirmed in her arms, reaching back towards James. Something their son, frankly, didn't do very often. If he wasn't in his mother's arms, Andreas's favorite place to be was with Lily. If either of them handed him off to Harry or Ginny or even James before he was ready, Andreas would melt into screams as though he were being tortured.

"Why can't you play with him on the ground?" Imogen retorted.

"He likes flying," James argued.

"I don't care," Imogen replied. She adjusted Andreas on her hip. "We've talked about this! Flying near the ground is one thing, but—"

"No, we didn't talk about this," James said. "You decided whether or not he's allowed on a broom. No discussion, nothing! My mum and dad were flying with us by the time we were half Andreas's age."

"I'm not doing this. Don't fly with him again," Imogen said, turning and walking back to the house, holding Andreas close.

"Seriously?" James shouted after her, but everything that came after came in a mutinous muttering as Imogen entered the kitchen.

In the few minutes she'd been gone, Harry settled at the table with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

"Local?" Imogen asked.

"Prophet," Harry answered.

Imogen put Andreas into his high chair and walked over the cabinet, grabbing his food and a spoon.

"Anything noteworthy?" she asked.

"Atteberry called for two arrests of other ministry heads who weren't agreeing with him," Harry said.

Imogen looked over. "For what?" she asked.

"Similar charges as myself. Completely trumped up."

Imogen opened a jar and looked over to Harry, concerned. "Albus's name is going to be on each arrest, isn't it?"

"On the paperwork, yes," Harry said.

"What will happen to him once someone else is in charge? Will he be lumped in with Atteberry?"

"I don't think so. Albus has also been tipping Atteberry's targets off ahead of time. I've warned him it could put him here with us, but he doesn't feel right not giving the other department heads at least a chance to stay out of prison. Beau decided to let it happen rather than go into hiding, though," Harry said this with a sigh. "He'll be in Azkaban for a while."

Imogen thought about this as she fed Andreas. It would be good if they ever outed Atteberry. There would be personal testimony to refute his signature and point to Albus as an unwilling participant in Atteberry's regime. If Atteberry found out, though, the best thing that would happen is that Albus could make it to them before being arrested himself. The idea made Imogen sick.

They sat in silence as James came into the kitchen. His broom was away and he pulled muddy boots off, leaving them outside the door.

"Coffee, James?" Harry asked.

James looked over to Imogen, a sullen expression as he shook his head and stalked past them and through the living room, taking the stairs on the right. Harry waited until after they heard the slam of James and Imogen's bedroom door.

"Trouble in Paradise?" Harry asked.

Imogen knew Harry and Ginny stayed out of their affairs on purpose. It had been a complicated situation, them adopting Imogen into their family even though she was dating James. There was a delicate balance for them, she was sure. She took a deep breath and let it out, giving Andreas another bite.

"We don't agree on the safety precautions in terms of flying with a baby," Imogen said. "As in I'm opposed to fifteen foot drops for Andreas."

"Ah," Harry said, nodding. "I understand."

Imogen set down the food and turned to Harry. "Do you?" she asked. She wasn't sure any of the Potters would and Imogen felt the need for someone to see her point of view.

"Not on the particulars, perhaps," Harry admitted. "James flies well. I'm sure he wouldn't ever do anything that would put Andy at risk. But Ginny and I had our own disagreements in terms of caring for the kids."

"You thought Ginny was overprotective too?" Imogen asked.

"No, she thought I was."

Imogen blinked. It certainly wasn't what she expected to hear. Imogen stood and grabbed some of Andreas's snacks, laying them out for him to grab and feed himself. "How so?" Imogen asked.

"Well, one of the last things I saw from Voldemort's memory was the night my parents died. Neither of them had their wands on them and I've often wondered and tried to reconstruct how that night would have been different if they had," Harry sat back, crossing his arms across his chest. "It became something of an obsession, actually. Once when James was about four, I came home and Ginny didn't know where her wand was. It had been a long day and she hadn't even had a chance to shower. The kids had been ornery and… well, I didn't help. Oh, we rowed. It was awful. I think I slept on the couch for a week we argued so much on the point."

"But that seems reasonable that you wanted her to have that," Imogen said. "Having your wand to protect you—"

"No, it wasn't," Harry replied. "You don't have to have a wand Imogen, so you don't know how easy it is to pick and choose when to have access to your magic. Think of every time you've set your wand down and became focused on other things. Ginny was chasing three children around all day, not to mention trying to squeeze in writing late at night. I talked with Hermione and Ron and other friends with kids… I found out it was very normal for people to put their wands aside at home."

Imogen took this in. She drummed her fingers on the table.

"You know, I think everyone has specific things they feel strongly about giving their children that they didn't feel they had. You and me both lost our parents. Yours may have been worse, because you remember it," Harry pointed out.

Imogen's eyes filled with tears. She turned to look at Andreas. He looked more and more like James everyday, except his straight nose which came from Imogen as well as her papa. Just a touch of his namesake. Imogen reached out, running her fingers into the messy mop of down-like hair.

"Something I had to realize was it was fine to feel overprotective. As long as I didn't use that feeling to make Ginny feel poorly," Harry added. He stood, walking over to get some more coffee.

Lily walked into the kitchen greeting everyone good morning. Andreas giggled as Lily tickled his neck.

"Would you mind keeping an eye on him for a few?" Imogen asked.

"Of course not," Lily said.

Imogen walked up the steps quickly. She grabbed the door handle and opened it slowly. James sat on the bed, facing away from her and looking out the window. He had taken off his shirt and Imogen noticed large blue bruises at the same place on either side of his ribs.

"What happened?" Imogen asked.

James turned towards her. "You grabbed onto me with your casting instead of letting me land on my own," he muttered.

Imogen swallowed. She'd never done anything like that before. She went into the bathroom and pulled out a cream from the top cabinet. James was still scowling as he stared into space. Imogen knelt behind him on the bed, taking the top of the jar off and scooping some onto her fingers. She reached out and applied it to the bruise on the right first.

James twitched away. "That's cold."

"I'm sorry," Imogen whispered.

She finished the first side and started on the second.

"You used to fly with me all the time," James said.

"I know," Imogen replied.

"And I would never do anything that would hurt Andreas."

Imogen put the lid of the jar back on, reaching over to set it on the side table. "I know," Imogen said quietly again.

"Then why do I constantly feel like I'm not doing my job right, by you?"

Imogen leaned forward and wrapped her arms around James's chest. She rested her chin on his shoulder, pressing her lips against his skin. "I just can't stop seeing it. How he could be hurt or broken or..." Imogen trailed off. "It's not you, I know it's not you, James. But I can't stop seeing terrible things."

James put a hand on her arm, rubbing his thumb back and forth. He sniffed and let out a breath, trying to hold back tears, Imogen was sure. "I already feel useless with my family," James told her.

"You aren't useless," Imogen said.

"Everything I've trained to do is completely useless here," James argued, he turned to catch her eye. "Albus is back home, actually able to make headway, and I'm here doing what? Finishing floors and landscaping."

"None of us planned this," Imogen said. "And we're all making the most of it. Personally, I'm just glad to have you around so much. If we were back home we'd see you some evening and weekends, but you were already needing to work so much overtime. Here, Andreas and I have you all to ourselves."

James gave Imogen a short grin. She moved her hand to his cheek, resting her forehead against his.

"I'm going to try really hard to keep myself in check, okay?" Imogen said. "Be patient with me?"

James nodded and kissed her.

"And can we negotiate what's fair game on the broom?" Imogen asked.

"Yeah," James nodded. "I can manage that."

Lily walked along, noticing movement to her right. She stopped. Staring back at her was that white wolf. She saw him every few weeks, though he was showing up more regularly now. He was beautiful, so she never mentioned it to Devin in case he decided to shoot him like he was planning on the first night they met. Lily squatted where she was, watching, narrowing her eyes. The wolf came forward, but seemed to be stopped, walking back and forth as though pacing a wall.

"What are you doing all the way down here, anyway?" Lily asked. She'd looked the breed up and found out how much farther north the animals were usually found.

He lowered his head and she almost swore he was trying to get her to come over.

Lily sat back, thinking for a while, watching mindlessly until everything around her became a blur. Her mum left that morning to go help Luna with details for the wedding: now only a week away. They were using the barn for the reception. Their barn. The barn where Lorcan and Lily first kissed. Where they spent cool summer nights, Lorcan opening the roof to point out the different stars. Where he promised that someday he would find a star to name after Lily.

Devin was great, she told herself. He treated her well and her family seemed to like him. Albus even met him during his last visit and approved. But Lily still couldn't ignore the emptiness she felt when she realized what was happening back in England in a week.

She stood back up and went the rest of the way to Devin's house. He'd been getting it ready for summer renters. Lily helped with her magic in painting and cleaning and whatever else he needed.

When she stepped in that morning, there was a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table. "That's a nice touch," she said with a smile.

"Those are for you," Devin said. He pulled Lily in and kissed her. Lily kept her hands on his chest and hummed against his lips. "We need to chat."

"What?" Lily asked, wrapping her arms around him. She tilted her head, looking up into his grey eyes.

"I got a last minute offer to start renting Monday," he said.

Lily pulled back. "But you weren't leaving for another month."

"I know," Devin said. "The money's good, though, and the place is ready. That's not all though."

Lily knit her brows waiting, nervous. He was going to leave now. He was going to leave her alone to deal with Lorcan being married on her own. Not that she'd ever talked to him about it, but she needed him here.

"Come with me," Devin leaned in and whispered into her ear. He was smiling when he moved back to watch her.

"Where?" Lily asked.

"With the extra time I was going to visit my mom in Missouri, then the plan is still to go up to Alaska and be a fishing guide for the summer," he said.

"My… my parents… I don't know what my dad—"

"I already talked to him about it," Devin said. "Got a whole lecture, but he said if you wanted he's okay with it. Even said he'd come and put the protection charms on the cabin I have out that way."

Lily took this in, her head reeling. Her dad said yes. Not that she wouldn't have gone if he said no and she really wanted to, but she wasn't sure what to make of that. She could go to the other end of the country and start her own life with Devin. Without the same restrictions, maybe even without the same threats.

"What do you say?" Devin asked.

Lily thought about being that far away. She'd never see Lorcan. Two voices battled inside of her, the first that Lorcan was getting married anyway. The second continuing to insist on the need to be part of his life.

Lily stood on her toes and took Devin's lips in hers, kissing him much the way she had the first night they spent in each other's company. She pulled him with her, their lips still connected as she pushed him down onto the couch beside her. Devin's hands tangled in her hair as she laid back, her eyes tight as she thought of Lorcan. His curly hair. His gentle lips. His kind spirit.

Devin broke off, pulling back. "Wait, is this a yes?"

"Just stop talking," Lily requested with a smirk, pulling him down by the neck. They kissed a moment longer before Devin broke away again.

"That's not an answer," he said. "I think I deserve an answer."

"I don't even get a chance to think it over?"

"I have a feeling you know your answer," Devin said, sitting up.

Lily propped herself up on her elbows. "Why's that?"

"Because you always do this," Devin said, sitting back, letting go of Lily. She sudden felt so empty. "Every time I try and talk to you about something important or moving to a new level, you clam up and just want to make out."

"That's not true!"

"It is," Devin said. "You just told me to stop talking."

Lily opened her mouth, then closed it and swallowed.

"Lily, I'm going to ask you something. And I need the truth. Do your apprehensions have anything to do with Lorcan?"

Lily's eyes widened as she turned to Devin. Other than that first night, she had never talked to him about Lorcan. Her mind shifted through the memory charm. "How did you—"

"James told me," Devin said.

Lily let out a breath. She was going to ask how he remembered. Thankfully he interrupted her or more uncomfortable questions would follow. "What did he tell you?"

"At first just that he was your last boyfriend and to let you bring it up," Devin said. "Then when you didn't I asked him about how long you dated him. And how it ended."

Lily huffed, shaking her head. "That's not what this is about. It just didn't come up."

"It's not?" Devin asked skeptically. "Because a couple months ago when we talked about the people we used to date, you never mentioned Lorcan."

"That's just because…"

"Because you're not over him," Devin said.

He sounded so sad that Lily hung her head, unable to say anything. Devin leaned forward rubbing his hand along his short hair. He swallowed. "The offer still stands," Devin finally said.

"I can't," Lily said. "Andreas… and… my family..."

"Well, hopefully that means you're feeling less stuck here," Devin said with a half grin.

Lily nodded. She didn't know whether or not she felt less stuck, but she did know she was about to feel infinitely more alone.

James learned folding charms at some point—halfheartedly and because Ginny told him he should. Somehow, his blunt execution of folding his own shirts and trousers didn't translate to the piles of onesies and little socks spread on the armchair. He was almost done, having stacked them neatly on the coffee table to be taken to their room when either him or Imogen happened to be on their way upstairs.

"You did all of this?" Imogen asked, leaning against the wall at the bottom of the stairs with a smile.

"Sure did," James replied, grinning at her and tossing another small shirt onto the pile. "I think I deserve a little reward."

"Hmmm," Imogen hummed, narrowing her eyes as she stepped closer. "Well, I would have done it myself, but I was busy changing your son and getting him to sleep."

James reached out and pulled Imogen into him, pressing into the small of her back. She reached her arms up and around his neck, playing with the hair at the nape, smiling."Then you deserve a little reward too, Mrs. Potter," James informed her. He leaned down and kissed her, his fingers pressing into her and pulling her closer. He couldn't get close enough.

"How long has it been?" Imogen asked breathlessly as James worked his way to her jaw and then down her neck. "Two weeks?"

"Twenty-three days," he answered breathlessly, feeling every nerve buzz excitedly.

"Too long," Imogen muttered. She put a hand on each shoulder, pushing James back. The back of his knees hit the couch and he fell, Imogen tumbling over him, none too graceful as she laughed. "I think we're out of practice."

James wrapped a hand around her neck and pulled her mouth to his, stopping her laughter. Imogen put a knee on either side of James, sitting above and leaning over him as she matched his lips again. Her hands moved hungrily down his sides, raising his shirt as James's own fingers slid beneath her jeans. He let out a low, soft growl, yanking her closer as she smiled against his lips.

"Oi!" Lily shouted. "Again?"

Imogen placed her forehead on James's shoulder and breathed out. "I will pay you," James said, still catching his breath. He looked over where Lily was coming out of her room, "to get lost for the next hour, Lily."

"Not if this is where you're planning your little romp," Lily said, gesturing to the living room. "I have to sit on that couch too, you know."

Imogen moved and stood. James looked regretfully as she smiled with a shrug, grabbing a few stacks of folded baby clothes and heading up to put them away. He tugged down his shirt and Lily closed her bedroom door, sitting on the arm chair he'd just cleared.

"That is the third time in two months," Lily said, tossing a pillow at him. "Don't you have a bedroom?"

"Imogen has a thing about… any of that with Andy in the room," James said. "Even if he's asleep. And it seems like whenever he's with someone else one or both of us are needed elsewhere."

"Well, I'm getting a little tired wondering what kind of scene I'm going to get coming out of my own room every day. It's traumatizing."

Lily grabbed Quidditch Monthly and flipped through it.

"What are you doing here anyway?" James asked. "I thought you were spending the day with Devin."

Lily's face drained of expression, though she flipped the page. "It's over," she said dully.

"Oh," James responded. "I'm sorry, Lil. I thought it was going well."

Lily forced a smile, looking up at him. James could see the tears welling there. "It's okay," Lily said. "He invited me to go with him to Alaska, but I couldn't do it."

"Why not?"

Lily shrugged. James didn't want to push, so he leaned forward and just sat waiting.

"You and Imogen need a night away," Lily said decisively. "What about next weekend?"

James perked up at the idea. "Really? A whole night?"

"Yeah, what not?" Lily shrugged. "I already wrote Emily to see if she wants to go out Friday, but Saturday night? There are a lot of bed and breakfasts in the area. Devin took me to a really nice one in—"

"I don't want to know," James said, covering his ears.

Lily glared. "And yet I'm exposed to a burlesque show every time I want to leave the house," she said, standing up. "Community areas, James. Respect them."

James waved her off as Imogen came down the stairs. "Good news," James told her.

"Lily, why don't you go with your dad and Uncle Ron to that sports game they got tickets to tomorrow?"

"They only have two, Mum," Lily pointed out for at least the tenth time. Since Devin was leaving early he had offered the tickets he bought for some muggle game to Lily, who passed them on. "Besides, I'm watching Andy tomorrow night," she added.

Ginny stood in the doorway to the bathroom as Lily got ready to go out with Emily. Ginny had spent two days earlier in the week helping Luna with odds and ends for the wedding, coming back and spending every waking moment suggesting a variety of activities in an attempt to keep Lily's mind off of Lorcan's wedding. Lily thought the attempts themselves were actually making her more aware of what was happening the next day.

Really, what she needed was a night out and a decent amount of alcohol to pass some time. By tomorrow, she thought, it would be done and there was nothing she could do about it. She just had to survive until then.

"We can buy another ticket, I'm sure. And your aunt and I can take care of Andreas."

"You can take me off suicide watch, alright?" Lily said, turning off the light and walking past her mother. "Just let them go have fun watching baseball. I'll watch Andreas."

Ginny still looked concerned as Lily stepped back and posed. "Do I look okay?"

"So beautiful your dad would make you rub dirt on your face if he had a say," Ginny said with a smirk.

"Perfect."

Lily grabbed her purse, pushing her wand down into her boot and kissed Ginny's cheek.

"Don't be back too late," Ginny said. "And maybe stay away from the porch good nights if you don't want a lecture."

Lily waved as she walked out the door and headed to the bar.

Emily was already there when she arrived. "So, give me the dirt. What did Devin do?" she asked.

In her owl, Lily had explained there was no third wheel for their outing, but hadn't been ready to actually write down what happened. Now that she was sitting with Emily she realized it may have actually been easier to say in writing.

"It's not what he did, it's what I did," Lily said.

Emily raised an eyebrow.

"Look, this is a two shot sort of story," Lily said, leaning against the bar and ordered her drinks. They found a seat at one end. There was a guy at the opposite side of the bar, drinking alone and looking towards her and Emily every now and again.

Lily took her time explaining everything. Telling her how Devin wanted her to go to Alaska with him. How she hadn't told him about Lorcan. How Devin had called her out about how she hadn't been entirely honest.

"I'm sorry," Emily said. "That really sucks."

Lily nodded. "He'll be married tomorrow," Lily said. It's the first time she said it out loud and she had a hard time swallowing after it came out of her mouth.

"Alright, well we aren't thinking about that," Emily said. She signaled to the bartender, who brought two more drinks. "You and me are going to have a blast and forget Lorcan and Devin and Mick—"

"Mick?" Lily asked. "That herbology teacher you talk about?"

Emily blushed, making a wincing face.

"I knew you had a thing for him! You little liar!"

"Yes, well he's made it clear he has no interest. So we're going to forget about all of them," Emily said with a laugh, raising her glass. "To forgetting!"

"To forgetting!" Lily agreed and they downed the drink in one.

By the fourth shot, Emily and Lily were standing on the bar dancing. Some other little brunette had joined them and the men were all raising their glasses and cheering them on. The music blasted from behind them and Lily wasn't even sure what she was doing. She didn't know the song, but tried mumbling along.

The song ended and Lily leaned on Emily, the two laughing hysterically as a brawny man held out his hand, helping each of them down. Someone handed Lily a beer and she started to drink it down.

"Slow down there, princess," the brawny guy said.

Lily bent back, chugging the drink just to spite him and placed the mug down hard on the bar. She belched and Emily fell into giggles again as Lily covered her mouth. "Why do you Americans like that shit?" she asked the man.

"You're the one who finished it," he laughed.

Lily threw her arms around his neck and he hesitated a moment, smiling down. "I always finish what I start," Lily said, the tip of her nose touching his. She leaned in, ready to feel his lips when her stomach lurched.

Lily pulled away, untangling herself from his arms. "Wait, what—"

Lily didn't stop as she flew out the side door, turning to the bushes on the right side of the bar, bent over and vomited into bed of soil below her. She tried to hold back her hair and was having trouble with it when a hand gathered it back for her. She placed both hands on her knees and heaved three more times, squatting down and covering her face, taking a few deep, shaky breaths. A hand rubbed her back and let go of her hair.

"Thanks Emily," she said.

Lily stood, turning around. There was a wand pointed directly at her and a smiling man on the other end.

"Imperio."

Lily stood in front of the bathroom mirror, scrubbing the taste of vomit out of her mouth with her toothbrush. She rinsed and cupped handful after handful of water, bringing each up to her face until the general sense of grime washed away. She leaned against the sink, taking a deep breath, then looked at her reflection in the mirror. She looked pale and sad, heavy bags and emptiness surrounded her eyes. She wondered how Devin had ever liked her.

What Lorcan had ever seen in her.

Lily turned off the water and patted her face dry as she walked into her room. Everyone else was on the other side of the house playing games. It was only nine, but she didn't want to see them. She'd managed to sneak into the house without anyone noticing. Emily offered to let her crash at her place, but Lily said she'd rather her own bed. She couldn't admit the real temptation. The one she held in her hand as she sat in her bed—a rusty old tin and a longing. She shouldn't. For the same reasons she hadn't said anything to this point, she shouldn't say anything now.

"Lorcan?" Lily said into the tin can, her own desperation echoing shortly. "Lorcan are you there?"

Her heart raced in anticipation, though it proved as useless as she thought it might. Lily licked her lips and cleared her throat.

"I didn't think you would be," she said. "And maybe it's better that you aren't. You're getting married tomorrow."

Her voice cracked at the end of the statement and she had to stop and gather herself. "I guess it's today for you, maybe. I know it's a bit late to ask for such a favor but… don't do it."

Lily pressed her lips together. Her eyes filled with tears. "Please don't marry Megra. She's all wrong for you. I'm all wrong for you, too, I guess. If I were right for you I would have realized it when I could do something about it, but I can't stand this. And I know it's not fair, because this is all my fault, but I was wrong."

She stopped again, wiping away the moisture on her cheeks. "I'm not just devastated you moved on, Lorcan. I'm lost."

With nothing else to say, she waited, sitting in the dark crying silently to herself. Ten minutes passed with no response, though the part in her that believed in Lorcan waited, thinking he had to come through.

"I guess that's all," Lily said, resigned. "I love you, Lorcan."

Lily curled up on her side, on top of the covers, clutching the tin can into her body. She cried herself to sleep.