July Pt1/2 - Jimmy

Disclaimer: not mine

Home two days, life was returning to normal, or as normal as things are during the summer. Harm had spent the day in the office catching up on mail and taking bookings, while Colin worked in the barn, trying to avoid the heat of the day. The twins and Frankie were sitting in an inflatable pool which was set up on the porch so there was shade for the youngsters while Mattie sat on the sofa and supervised; not feeling up to doing much else in the heat.

Inside the house, Mac was still busy with laundry and getting everything put away into the closets. She spoke to Lily three times a day for the past two days; when Lily called her when she woke up, when Mac called around lunch time east coast time, and when Lily called as she was going to bed. Glancing at the clock, Mac was wondering if she should call at all. She knew they were out somewhere and she didn't want to appear overanxious or overprotective.

While she was debating herself, there was a knock on the front door surprising her; after all, no one ever used the front door.
"Ma'am, good afternoon," the man on the other side said. "UPS, I have a parcel for you."
"Thank you," she said, opening the screen door and signing for the big brown box.

Thinking it was something Harm had ordered for the business, she carried it into the kitchen and placed it on the table before glancing at the label. 'Mrs Sarah MacKenzie Rabb'. Turning the box around she noted the sender details 'Disneyland'. Opening the box, she smiled and then cried as she pulled out a stuffed Winnie the Pooh which was about the size of their youngest son. Pinned to his shirt was a note and Mac carefully removed it before unfolding the paper.
'Hi Gorgeous, Surprise! I watched you looking at The Pooh and knew you needed your own. This one looked very cute and cuddly and I thought he'd be perfect, love you so much, Harm xox PS...I hope you think I'm cuter and more cuddlier though xox .

Folding the paper, she put it in her pocket before taking the gift upstairs and placing it on their bed. Knowing that otherwise it would be saturated the moment her mermaid and mermen came into the house. Heading back outside, she checked on them and Mattie before heading down to the office.
"Hey," Harm said, standing up to greet her as she walked into the office. "Wasn't expecting you."
"Thank you," she said, wrapping her arms around him before kissing him deeply.
"You're welcome," he replied, pulling back only as far as he had to so he could see her face. "For what?"
"Winnie the Pooh," she said, kissing him once more.
"Wow!" he said, "That thank you was well worth it."
"I always wanted a Winnie the Pooh, never thought I'd get one," she said.
"Well, you have one now," he said. "Did you check his honey pot?"
"No, why?" she asked, her arms still looped around him.
"There's a Pooh charm for your bracelet," he said, gazing into her tear filled brown eyes. "I wanted you to have the toy too but I kind of figured he'd be very popular with the little ones and maybe you wouldn't get a look in ... at least with the charm you'll always have it."
"God, I love you," she said, kissing him so deeply, he was grateful for the support of the desk behind him.

Later that evening, when the kids were all bedded down and the chores all done, Mac sat on the sofa on the porch drinking her coffee and waiting for Harm to come out and join her; eventually he did.
"So, have you solved the mystery?" she asked him as he sat beside her and he shook his head.
"Nope," he said. "Found out nothing different to when I spoke to him while we were in California," he said, referring to Jimmy Roberts. "Spoke to Harriet afterwards and hedged around the topic and she said that Jim was having a hard time lately. Apparently a classmate of his committed suicide before final exams and he was really struggling with it."
"Oh, the poor thing," Mac said curling into her husband. "I guess that would explain his state when he called just before we left."
"It would," Harm agreed, draping his arm over her. "He's still eager to come..."
"Probably just wants to get away from everyone and everything," Mac interjected and Harm nodded.
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," he agreed. "Bud's away at the moment and Harriet has commitments with the twins, so I told him I'd come and get him but he said no, he'd catch the train to Charlesville and then the bus out but I talked him into letting me pick him up from the station."
"He sounds just like Harriet, never wanting to put anyone out," Mac said as she played with the buttons on his shirt.
"He certainly has those qualities, but it did concern me he kept saying he didn't want to be a bother to anyone," Harm reported, "Like him being here was going to annoy or burden us."
"Well, that's not the case," Mac said quickly, looking up at him.
"I know, and I told him as much," he replied. "I guess we'll just have to wait until he's here to see how he is."
"When's he coming?" she asked going back to her previous activity.
"Train should be arriving in Charlesville at 1109 tomorrow," he said, raking his fingers through her hair.
"That's very soon," Mac said, thinking about everything she'd need to do before he arrived.
"He had considered the one leaving DC at midnight but Harriet said no," he said with a laugh.
"Seems our godson is desperate to be here," she said, closing her eyes as his magic fingers caressed her scalp.
"It does," he said, kissing her head.

With a range of activities to complete before their guest arrived, Mac stripped Lily's bed and made it up in more masculine colours for Jimmy. When their daughter arrived with her grandparents, in five days time, she could share the mobile home for the duration of their stay or until Jimmy went home, whichever happened first.

Rosie was mommy's little helper, dragging the linen downstairs to the laundry before returning with the feather duster while Harry was being Colin's ghost out with the animals and Frankie headed to town with Harm.
"Mac," Mattie called from the bottom of the stairs, eight months pregnant and melting in the summer heat, she didn't have the inclination or energy to make the trek up.
"Yes, honey," Mac called back peering down to her.
"I'm going to start making those sandwiches for lunch and organising the table," she announced, her hand absently rubbing her stomach to settle a very active baby.
"Yeah, that's a good idea," she replied realising the time. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she said with a sigh. "Junior here thinks he's playing football at the moment."
"He?" Mac questioned, wondering if Mattie indeed knew the gender of the unborn baby.
"It is a he at the moment," she said with a smirk. "Only males can cause me such problems."
Mac laughed; she'd said similar things during her pregnancy.

Finished upstairs, Mac and Rosie went to the kitchen to help Mattie with whatever was left to do. While Rosie helped Mattie set the table, Mac prepared a pitcher of iced tea and placed it on the table,
"Anything else?" she asked and Mattie shook her head.
"Nope," she said. "I think we're right...just need the menfolk," she said with a laugh.

It took Jimmy three days on the farm to start looking like he was comfortable, prior to that he was overly formal and very unsure of himself, something which concerned Harm and Mac greatly. Knowing they needed a good bonding experience before he broached the hard subjects, Harm suggested they take the Stearman up for a run and Jimmy jumped at the opportunity.

The 15 year old seemed to be genuinely happy as Harm took the plane through its paces, when they landed Jimmy was actually smiling – not the forced 'I have a smile on my face because I'm happy to be here' look, but a real smile that reached his eyes.

It was later that night, after dinner and the youngsters had gone to bed that Mac nudged Harm as they stood in the kitchen.
"What?" he asked and Mac pointed out the window to a forlorn looking young man sitting on a post near the barn. "Oh," he said. "Think it's time for a father – son chat...well, godfather – godson."

Taking a deep breath, Harm headed out to the young man and sat alongside him; his plan was to give Jimmy a chance to speak for himself before Harm started asking questions. Actually, the plan was to give Jimmy a chance to talk so Harm could come up with some questions if they were needed.
When Jimmy offered nothing, Harm decided it was time to speak.
"I've been a bit worried about you since you first called to ask if you could come and stay over the summer," Harm said quietly. "You didn't seem yourself and, now that you're here, I can see I had reason to worry. Now, I'm not going to put any pressure on you to talk to me, but I want you to know I love you very much and, regardless of what's going on, I am here for you."

Silence reigned once more before Jimmy moved slightly and rested his head on Harm's shoulder, carrying the weight of the world was exhausting. Harm eased his arm backwards and wrapped it around the boy, taking this as a good thing.
An interminably long time later, he spoke.
"Life is really hard, Uncle Harm," he said quietly and Harm didn't need to see his face to know there were tears there. "And it just seems to be getting harder."
Harm waited.
"I'm not suicidal or anything like that," he said quickly, in case his godfather got the wrong idea. "But after Jack died ...he's the kid in my class mom told you about... I'm finding it hard to understand what it's all about...and whether it's worth it."

Harm's heart started beating faster.
"When people die we often stop and think about our own lives and what's happening in them," Harm said quietly. "Particularly when that death is sudden, or the life lost is so young."
"That's what dad said," Jimmy replied."He said it makes us aware of the fragility of life and how it can all be gone."
"That's right," Harm agreed, knowing too many occasions where the fragility of life was pointed out to him.
"And I can't help but think it's all too hard and if it can all be over in the blink of an eye then what's the point of struggling through it," he said sadly.
"I'd like to think the point is the good things you'd miss out on if you weren't here," he said, holding the boy tighter. "It would absolutely destroy me if something happened to Mac or the kids but I wouldn't have missed out on a life with them just to save myself from pain."

Jimmy stood and took a few steps away before turning to look at Harm. "What if the life you had wasn't worth anything in the first place?"
"Every life is worth something, Jim," he said standing up too.
"I'm not so sure," he said dropping his head. "I don't think mine is."
"Why do you say that?"Harm asked; it would be easier to tell Jimmy he was wrong but the boy was in genuine distress and Harm wanted him to open up.
"I'm not going to have the same life as you or dad or even AJ," he said looking up at Harm. "It's not going to be a military career or wife and kids..."
"Military careers and marriage are not the prerequisites to a worthwhile life," Harm interjected. "Being a good person, contributing to society, having family and friends who love you...they're important too."
"For you," he replied sharply.
"Yes, for me," Harm said calmly. "But you need to remember life was never easy for me...yes, it's worked out well but it was extraordinarily hard along the way."

Jimmy nodded; he knew bits and pieces about the hardships in Harm's life and understood it wasn't easy.
"What if my life's not easy and doesn't work out well?" he said before taking a deep breath. "Wouldn't it be a waste?"
"Why do you think your life won't work out?" Harm countered.
"I think I'm going to disappoint my parents, my grandparents, even you and Aunty Mac," he said honestly, more tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Why would you think that?" Harm asked, wondering where the nearest psychologist was located and how soon they could get to him or her.
"Don't ask. Don't tell," he replied simply.

It was hours later Mac stirred when Harm slipped into their bed.
"It's 0451," she said with a yawn. "Are you just coming to bed?"
"Yeah," he said with a matching yawn as he slid down beside her. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."
"That's okay," she said repositioning herself to rest on him. "Has Jimmy gone to bed too?"
"Yeah, 'bout half an hour ago," he said with another yawn.
"So, how are things?" she asked and Harm kissed her head.

Jimmy hadn't sworn him to secrecy, quite the opposite; he'd asked Harm to help him by telling Mac, and his parents when he went home.
"Well, things are a little difficult for Jimmy right now," he said closing his eyes as fatigue took control. "Actually, they're a lot difficult."
"What's wrong?" she asked, not wanting to start a guessing game at this hour of the morning.
"It seems our godson is gay," he said and Mac sat up.
"He's gay? He told you that?" she questioned; of all the things she'd thought about that wasn't one of them.
"He did, eventually," Harm said desperate for sleep. "He's very confused and quite scared."
"Oh, the poor thing," Mac said lying back down. "I take it his parents don't know."
"No," he replied. "He wanted some time away from home to figure out how he was going to tell them."
"So, he's current state has nothing to do with that boy's death?" Mac asked, rubbing Harm's chest.
"No, that's a part of it too," he said, kissing her head. "Jack, the boy, was also gay...couldn't handle the pressure of school and the rumours about him."
"Jimmy's not going to do anything like that, is he?" Mac asked, sitting up once more.
"No," Harm replied, pulling her back to him once more. "We had a long chat about things and how regardless of his sexual orientation we still love him and always will and while I'm sure his parents will say the say the same thing, that we will be there to help him with whatever he needs."

Mac leant down and kissed his head; that was the perfect response.
"So, what does he need?" she asked, settling against him.
"Time and space for a bit," he said yawning. "Love and understanding for the long term and a society which is a little more accepting."

Soon, Harm drifted off into a deep and peaceful sleep and while Mac dozed on and off she was busy thinking about the young man who was across the hall and hopefully sleeping well too. Not wanting to disturb Harm more than she needed to, Mac got up just after seven and did a bit of tidying up around the living room before she heard movement from upstairs.

Thinking it was Frankie, she headed up the stairs only to meet Jimmy moving from his room to the bathroom.
"Good morning, Jimmy," she said brightly. "I wasn't expecting to see you until much later."
"I just needed the bathroom," he said pointing in the general direction of where he was headed. "But I did plan to go back to bed...if that's alright."
"Certainly," she said nodding. "Now, Uncle Harm told me a bit about what you two were discussing all night and..."
"Oh," he said, his head dropping as his cheeks coloured.

Mac reached in and used her fingers to raise his face to meet hers. "There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, Jim," she said, caressing his face. "Nothing has changed between today and yesterday. You are still our godson, I still love you and you are still and will always be welcome in our home...and in our lives. Do you understand that?"

Jimmy nodded before wrapping his arms around Mac and hugging her. He'd known for a while he was gay, he'd known he was different from about the age of eight but it wasn't until puberty he realised the feelings he was having towards others weren't directed to the 'right' gender.

Since then, he'd stressed himself to the point of sickness about what would happen when he came out. Well, now two of the most important people in his life knew and it had been far easier than he had expected; thankfully.
"I think you're incredibly brave to open up and tell someone," she said hugging him before kissing his head. "Lying to yourself about who you are and who you love is very hard but it seems so much easier than the truth."

Jimmy nodded; that's exactly what he was feeling. "What were you lying about?" he asked but he had already guessed the answer.
"Harm," she said quietly. "I lied about my feelings for him for so long and it killed me to do it but I thought it was for the best...Figured what he didn't know couldn't hurt me...but it's not the way to live your life."
"What happens if I don't get the happily ever after that you and Uncle Harm got?" he questioned dropping his arms and stepping back.
"You are an amazing young man," Mac said, caressing his face once more. "There is someone out there for everyone and you will find him when the time's right and he will be very lucky to have you."

Having Harm and Mac know his well kept secret, Jimmy was more like himself and relishing in the practical work around the farm. Never one for academia, he loved working with his hands and had spoken to both Colin and Harm about the different trades he could look into for an apprenticeship back home and whether he drop out of school to do it.

Both Harm and Colin had said a resounding 'no' to dropping out of school. While doing an apprenticeship was a career choice, he needed to graduate from high school. If he ever wanted to work for himself, own his own business, then he needed to complete his education. Something that Jimmy had conceded made sense.

Lily was making big announcements of her own and the first one was from La Jolla telling her mother that she really wanted to stay another week...or longer...
"I'll have to talk to daddy first," was Mac's immediate reply. "And to grandma."
"Oh, grandma says it's alright with her if it's alright with you," Lily said quickly.
"I'm sure grandma is happy to have you," Mac said. "I'm just not sure if..."
"But, mommmm," she protested. "The Midtown Market's on next week and ..."
"I will speak to daddy first," Mac interjected, already knowing the answer would be no. "Can I speak to grandma, please?" asked Mac deciding to find out exactly whose plan this was.
"Oh, grandma's not here," Lily said. "She had some errands to do."
"Well, can I speak to grandpa then, please?" she asked but Lily shook her head.
"Grandpa's in the den on his cell taking to someone," she reported and Mac was suddenly wondering if they even knew Lily was on the phone looking to extend her vacation.
"Well, you get one of them to call me when they can," she said.

Coming in for lunch, Harm found Mac standing in the kitchen staring into space as she stood over the half prepared meal.
"What's got you so preoccupied?" he asked, kissing her head before reaching past her to grab a carrot stick.
"Your daughter," she replied, blinking a few times and bringing herself back to the present.
"Oh, my daughter," he said, "What has my daughter done?" he asked with a smirk, she usually only referred to the kids as 'ours'...unless they were in trouble.
"Your daughter just called me and asked if she could stay in La Jolla another week...or longer," Mac said, putting the sandwiches onto a plate.
"Ohhhh," he said, instantly understanding her mood. "And mommy isn't happy with that."
"No, mommy isn't happy," she said, "I was expecting her Tuesday and don't want to wait another week...or longer."
"What did you tell her?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her from behind.
"I told her I had to speak to you first," she said, "I tried to speak to your parents but they weren't available...according to Miss Lily."
"Well, let's see if they're available now," he said, grabbing his cell and calling his mother.

It took six rings for her to answer and when she did she was bright and bubbly.
"Hello, dear, how are you today?" she asked him as she put the last of her parcels in the car.
"Fine, thanks, mom, and you?" he asked observing common niceties before he asked the burning question.
"Great," she replied. "Just doing a few last minute things before our trip."
"Speaking of which, are your plans all set for Tuesday?" he asked, maybe this would be an easier conversation that he expected.
"Yes, all set," she replied. "We'll be there in time for dinner," she added, "I know a certain young girl who is eager to see you."
"Are you sure?" he asked, moving away from Mac.
"Yes," Trish replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, she called her mother a little while ago asking to stay longer," he reported and suddenly felt he was nine once more and telling tales.
"Did she just?" she asked, "Well, I'll be home in about fifteen minutes and Miss Lily and I will be having a little chat."

After he concluded the call, Harm returned to his wife's side.
"Mom's on the case," he said, "And she didn't seem overly impressed that Lily was making her own plans, especially considering everything's booked to have them here by dinnertime Tuesday."

Mac nodded; having Trish on the case was a good thing...she trusted her methods.

It wasn't long after they'd finished lunch that the phone rang again.
"Hi, mom," Lily said quietly.
"Hello, Lily," Mac said flatly.
"Grandma said I had to call you back and tell you sorry," she said and Mac couldn't help but smile imagining the look of remorse on her daughter's face.
"What do you need to say sorry for?" she questioned, leaning back on the counter.
"That I called you earlier and told you grandma said I could stay longer," she said. "Grandma didn't say that...she said that maybe next vacation I could spend longer with them..."
"So, why did you say it?" Mac questioned, knowing lying wasn't a trait she'd associate with her daughter.
"I guess I wanted to be spoilt a little more," she said honestly. "I mean I love you and everyone there but sometimes ..." she paused not being able to find the right words.
"Do you feel you get overlooked?" Mac offered. "That there are lots of people and lots of little kids?"
"Yeah, sometimes," she said. "Disneyland and being here has been fantastic and I guess I was just thinking it was better than being home."

Tears formed in Mac's eyes at her daughter's brutal honesty. She loved her little girl desperately and while she didn't doubt the child loved them, she was hurt by her daughter thinking that life away from them was better.
"Um..." she replied, not quite knowing what to say. "Talk to daddy," she said, handing him the phone as he entered the kitchen.
"Hello," he said slowly, grabbing hold of Mac's arm as she tried to leave, gently he tugged her back to him and wrapped his arm around her as she leant against his chest. "How are you, Lily?"
"Did I make mom mad?" she asked quietly.
"No," he replied, the woman in his arms looked more sad than mad.
"Because I just said I was loving being here and it felt good not being there," she repeated and Harm sighed.
"Aha," was his reply, now he knew what was wrong with his wife, he was feeling something similar.
"But I love you all," Lily said quickly. "Just nice to be spoilt."
"It is sometimes," Harm agreed. "But we're missing you and can't wait to have you home."
"I miss you too," she said, "I can't wait to see you."

After Harm had disconnected the call, he placed the phone on the counter and wrapped his other arm around his wife, who was yet to move. Increasing the pressure of his grasp, he kissed her head before tilting his and kissing her cheek.
"You okay?" he whispered, kissing her ear.
"She doesn't want to come home," Mac mumbled into his shirt.
"She's just enjoying being an only child," he said gently. "I'm sure mom and dad are spoiling her and it all seems so much better than being here."
"But I don't want her to feel that way," Mac said raising her head to look at him.
"You just wait," he said, caressing her face. "By Monday she'll be desperate to get home and when she does on Tuesday, she'll hug you and not want to let go all night."
"You think so?"she questioned, still not happy with the situation.
"I know so," he replied, hoping he was actually right this time.
"Okay," she said with a sigh, leaning her head on his chest once more.