Chapter 7: The Medical Misrepresentation
Upstairs in the hospital nursery, a nurse carries a newborn infant in her arms back to a crib. Howard and Raj watch her with admiration and desire. Raj badly wishes he could to talk to this pretty young nurse and Howard desires to see Bernadette holding their own son like this someday.
Raj presses his face up closer to the glass window and waves at the tiny infants. Some of them are sleeping, others are crying and a few just barely open up their eyes still totally unsure of what is going on around them.
Howard: "There's a lot in here tonight."
Raj: "Not surprising, I heard on the weather report this morning a storm is coming soon."
Howard looks at Rajesh not quite sure what he's getting at.
Raj: "According to Dr. Phillip Heine, the chief Maternal-Fetal Medicine at Duke university studies have shown that despite popular belief that more babies are born on a full moon night, statistically speaking women are more likely to go into a labor when there is a change in barometric pressure."
Howard: "So all those monsoons must be why there are so many of your people huh Raj?
Raj: "Well in India when storms knock the power out there's not much else left to do, but get a little freak-ay."
Raj grins at Howard and Howard smiles back.
Howard: "Maybe that's where I should take Bernie for our honeymoon."
Howard imagines for a quick moment that he is in India laying on a brightly colored bed watching Bernadette dressed like a sexy harem girl doing a belly dance for him. Ever since he returned from space Howard's been anxious to get away with Bernadette for a proper honeymoon.
Sadly, he realizes now that Leonard and Amy are in serious danger he can't go away with her anytime soon, so he lets the idea fade away from his mind.
The nurse behind the window puts the newborn down in a crib. She smiles at them then she goes to change another one's diaper. Raj notices this nurse has curves in all the right places as she walks around the nursery. She has beautiful bronze skin and bright brown eyes. Her pale blue scrubs have little baby bottles on them and her long wavy dark hair is tied neatly in a bun behind her head. Howard grins a little when he sees how intently Raj is staring at her.
Howard: "Hey, so she's pretty huh?"
Raj: "Oh yes, but I'll never be able to get a girl like that."
Raj sighs sadly still fearing he'll wind up a lonely old man someday because of his inability to talk to most women.
Howard: "Don't say that, I bet she'd like you if she knew you were a doctor."
Raj shrugs at Howard.
Raj: "Maybe, but I can't tell her I am one so what does it matter?"
Howard: "Fine, then I'll tell her."
He mischievously grins at Raj then heads for the door. He presses a white intercom button and speaks into it. Raj follows him.
Howard: "Excuse us; Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali would like a word please. Can the pretty nurse in the window… Come On Down? " Howard says the last part like he's a game show host announcing a new winner.
Raj frowns at Howard when he hears him say this then Raj smacks him a bit on the shoulder.
Raj: "What the hell do you think you are doing? Are you nuts?"
Howard: "Don't worry, I got this just let me do the talking, buddy"
Raj: "But…I," before he can finish protesting the nurse opens the door and looks at both of them with a kind smile.
Nurse: "Yes, may I help you?"
Howard: "Hello, I'm Dr. Koothrappali's assistant Howard Wolowitz and he wanted me to let you know what an excellent job you're doing here nurse uh..?."
Howard eyes her nametag just as she speaks up to say her name.
Nurse: "Fletcher."
Howard: "Nurse Fletcher, well it's very nice to make your acquaintance."
He shakes her hand firmly and smirks at her. Nurse Fletcher nervously smiles back while Raj shyly waves still terrified to be so close to such a beautiful woman.
Nurse Fletcher: "Wait… are you the ones they called over from St. Augustine's to cover for Dr. Sherwood?"
Raj nervously stares at her pretty face, but still can't speak.
Howard: "Yes! That's us. Dr. Sherwood is a dear friend of ours. We just stopped by to say hello and to ask if you need any help in the nursery because Dr. Koothrappali here just loves them babies."
Howard coyly winks at the nurse and nudges Raj at the same time hoping he'll at least nod along. Raj just continues to stare at the nurse in stunned silence.
Nurse Fletcher sweetly laughs then replies "Oh wonderful. Okay follow me."
She starts to walk down the hall. Raj looks at Howard for a moment befuddled by this insanity, but Howard just shrugs at him as they follow her. Nurse Fletcher takes them to one of the delivery rooms and introduces them to two other nurses on staff before taking them to see a patient that just came in to have her baby.
Kathy Whitmore and her husband Robert stare in confusion when Nurse Fletcher arrives with these two strangers. Raj immediately recognizes them as the couple he saw getting on the elevator earlier.
Kathy: "Where's Dr. Sherwood?"
Nurse Fletcher: "I'm afraid he's out of town Mrs. Whitmore, but don't worry, he arranged for someone to cover his patients. Let me introduce you to Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali.
Nurse Fletcher turns towards Raj and smiles at him expecting a response now.
Raj instead looks at Howard terrified and unable to speak. Howard quickly realizes the nurses' expect Rajesh to deliver this couples' baby. He pauses for a second to gather his thoughts then walks up to the couple and holds out his hand to Robert.
Howard: "Hello, nice to meet you. Howard Wolowitz, I'm Dr. Koothrappali's assistant."
Robert looks back and forth at Howard and Raj still not sure what to think about this change of plan.
Robert: "Hi, uh so does that mean you're a doctor too?"
Howard frowns then replies "Not exactly, but I am an engineer with a masters degree from MIT, so you know I'm smart too."
Howard laughs and Robert just stares at him not getting the joke at all.
Kathy looks up at her husband nervously and her husband looks back at her. Both are confused and not sure how to respond, but before either can think of a response Kathy has another contraction.
Kathy: "Ow! They're getting stronger babe."
She looks at her husband nervously. Robert takes her hand gently and starts to rub her back to help relax the pain away.
Robert: "It's going to be okay."
He then turns to look at Raj expecting him to start telling them what to do since he is the doctor.
Raj quickly walks over to Howard and whispers in his ear.
Raj: "Let's go! You know I can't help these people."
However, Howard realizes they can't gracefully escape this situation without having to admit he lied, which he fears will get them both thrown out of the hospital by security for good. So he ignores Raj's plea to leave and tries to smile at Kathy.
Howard: "Don't worry you're in good hands just breathe and maybe...uh… try squeezing your legs together until we'll figure this all out okay."
Nurse Fletcher frowns at them wondering why they are acting so totally clueless.
Nurse Fletcher: "Shouldn't you two start prepping to examine her? I can call Dr. Jenkins in to administer an epidural if necessary?"
Raj shyly nods yes at her then runs out of the room to go pee because this whole situation makes him very nervous.
Howard: "Uh we'll be right back"
He runs out after Raj and follows him down the hall and into the men's' bathroom.
After Raj finishes urinating he starts to freak out on Howard.
Raj: "What are we going to do now? That woman in there is about to give birth to a real live person Howard not a neutron star! I am an astrophysicist not an obstetrician. I can't do this!"
Howard: "Calm down, if you do this that nurse is totally going to give you her phone number. Besides, your father is a gynecologist surely he must have taught you something useful right?'
Raj: "Yeah, he said to me "Son, stop hanging out with that little boy Howard, he'll just get you into trouble." Clearly, he was right!"
Howard rolls his eyes at Rajesh's comment.
Howard: "Fine! Look just let me check if the coast is clear and then maybe we can make a run for it."
He walks over to open the bathroom door, but before he can Robert Whitmore comes in carrying a bottle of champagne.
Howard backs away nervously and smiles at him. Rajesh stands next to Howard looking more nervous than ever.
Howard: "Oh Hello."
Robert: "I want to let you guys know this really means a lot to my wife and I, you taken us on last minute. Sorry, if we seemed standoffish back there it has been awhile since we had our daughter Rebecca and this pregnancy sort of took us by surprise. See we we're told a few years back by Kathy's last OBGYN that she wouldn't be able to have any more children. We went through several failed In Vitro trials after that and were even considering adoption before this happened. Dr. Whitmore told us Kathy was pregnant and it was like a miracle because we really wanted another child. So before things get crazy in there I just want to say thank you for helping us out and I want to give you this."
Robert holds out the bottle and Rajesh takes it from him.
Howard starts to feel really bad for deceiving this poor man into thinking they are medical doctors so he starts to come clean with the guy.
Howard: "Well look don't thank us yet, you see the truth is we're not actually…"
Rajesh immediately decides after listening to Robert's speech that he doesn't want to let these people down in their hour of need so he interrupts Howard right away.
Rajesh: "Um. ….uh what my assistant is really trying to say is we're not actually finished washing up first, but we will be there in a minute to deliver your baby and you know if things go as planned then you can thank us."
Robert smiles at Rajesh and Howard then nods.
Robert: "Of course. Yes, sorry to interrupt. I just can't believe it's time. I'll see ya'll inside"
He grins one last time at them then heads out of the bathroom back to the delivery room to wait for them with his wife.
Rajesh takes a big deep breath then looks down at the champagne bottle in his hands. Howard looks at Raj incredulously and confused by his sudden change of heart.
Howard: "So what's the plan?"
Raj: "First I'm going to drink this entire bottle of champagne and then you and I are going to have a baby!"
Raj quickly twists the cap off and puts the bottle to his lips.
Howard stares at him in disbelief that Raj is actually willing to go through with this, but he realizes that he got his friend into this mess so he better help Raj out.
They both wash their hands thoroughly then head back to the delivery room to help Kathy.