Notice the stuff? See how it happens? Enjoy. I'm soooo happy all the time.
*****
Something Is Real
Part 7
*****
"Are you following me?" the pale woman did not sound angry in the least, which gave Kagura a bit of confidence. However, the way that Kikyo was looking at her was definitely unnerving.
"You…um, you let me go." Kagura explained, trying not to lower her eyes from the penetrating gaze of the dead miko.
"And so?" Kikyo arched a dark eyebrow as she stood in the middle of the path they had been walking down only moments before. "I do not remember requesting a companion."
"That's true." Kagura just felt stupid now. Why had she even followed Kikyo in the first place? The woman was intriguing, and yet she was so antisocial it was almost like spending time with Kanna. "But we have the same goal."
"Naraku?" Kikyo seemed to be interested now. "I thought your greatest ambition was to fly."
"Fly free." Kagura corrected. "I can't do that while he's alive."
"Admirable." Kikyo blinked. "You realize that this is basically a suicide mission?"
"Do you?" Kagura asked in return.
"You forget I'm already dead." Kikyo reminded the youkai. "What's your excuse?"
"Ever try living as a slave?" Kagura challenged, receiving no reply. "And besides that…it's something I have to do."
"You have to? Why?" Kikyo wanted to know. Kagura's mind swirled with confused images. Kanna's happiness, Kouga's forgiveness, her own freedom. A girl smiling, a man holding her hand, a woman flying. Freedom.
"I have things. Things I care about." Kagura answered vaguely, and Kikyo's curiosity was piqued, but she affected indifference.
"Very well. Perhaps I have too long traveled alone." Kikyo shrugged and turned to continue walking. Kagura sped up a couple steps until they were side by side. It was strange to feel like she might be making another friend, if not forming a companionship or alliance at the very least. It made her feel stronger to know that she had someone else she could rely on, and it was odd since Naraku always made it seem as though such relationships were liabilities rather than assets. And with him, it had certainly seemed to be a weakness. Her ties to Naraku were unbearably crippling, and it infuriated her that even though she might learn to believe in Kikyo, the dead miko would likely never be able to rely on her in the final battle. Not when Naraku could so easily kill her. And yet, she had still accepted Kagura's companionship even though it could not possibly be of any use to her against Naraku. So then why had she agreed to it?
Maybe she's sick of being alone. I know I am. Kagura glanced at the other woman, but it was impossible to tell what she was thinking with her face as utterly impassive as always.
"Kikyo?" she spoke up after a while. "I wanted to say something to you."
"Say it then." Kikyo prompted.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
I hope we can be friends.
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"Thank you, Kouga-kun." Kagome smiled at the wolf as he dropped an armload of firewood next to the pit where she was starting dinner. Her smile was worth the gathering, but he still felt vaguely as though he was being tricked. He wondered why, but then Inuyasha entered the clearing with a ridiculous bundle of wood balanced in his own arms. And suddenly he remembered why he didn't want to help Kagome build a fire. "Oh, Inuyasha, don't hurt yourself!" she jumped up and directed her attention to the hanyou, who was grumbling and trying to set the wood down without dropping any on his feet or Kagome. It was actually a little bit entertaining.
"And we can take a bath after dinner." Sango was explaining to a raptly attentive Ayame as both girls walked past, presumably to help Inuyasha even though they didn't make any attempt to actually relieve him of his load. "Usually the priest tries to watch, but don't worry if he does. We have Shippo keep watch, and they don't usually get close enough to actually see anything. Kouga isn't a peeper, is he?"
"Oh, no, he wouldn't be, I don't think." Ayame shook her head furiously. "But those wolves of his have no manners at all."
"Try handing me some…Inuyasha…" Kagome was now attempting to pry some of the burden free, but Inuyasha wouldn't have any of it. Kouga's alarms went off when Kagome began pulling at an arm in an attempt to coerce him into letting her help, and he intervened immediately.
"Stupid dog shit, just gimme those." Kouga pulled away a large amount of the wood, but it ended up causing the whole stack to topple over. Inuyasha immediately threw himself over Kagome to protect her from the shower of firewood, and Sango actually managed to push Ayame out of the way while taking a large piece to her back with a respectably restrained grunt of pain. Kouga was absolutely covered in the wood, but at least he managed to tuck himself into a tight ball before any of it made contact.
"Fucking genius!" Inuyasha was on his feet as soon as the last stick had fallen, scolding Kouga like he was some sort of pup. "You coulda hurt someone like that! Don't you think about anything before you do it!"
Flash of scarlet eyes, brimming with unshed tears and pleading for him to understand.
I am sorry…I wish I could undo it.
You can't
Why did that sting? Did he regret letting Kagura live, or was it something else? Must be the stupid firewood. But it wasn't the bruises on his back that bothered him at the moment. He didn't get a long time to think about it before Ayame was rushing to him, pulling him up and fussing over him as though a few lousy sticks could actually hurt him. If Kagura had been there, she wouldn't have thrown such a fit about it, unless it was a laughing fit. She'd never let him hear the end of it.
What does it matter, though? She's not here, and it's better that way.
Isn't it?
"Kouga, let me see…" Ayame was trying to pull at his clothing, and he noted with displeasure that Kagome was also fussing over Inuyasha when it was that idiot's fault in the first place.
"Hands off! It's not like some fucking sticks could hurt me! I'm wearing armor!" Kouga hadn't meant to treat Ayame harshly, but he couldn't help it. It was just so frustrating how he kept thinking of Kagura, and how Kagome wasn't paying any attention to him, instead lavishing it all over Inuyasha.
"Sango-chan, are you okay?" Kouga's jealousy abated slightly when Kagome rushed over to the demon taijiya who was rubbing at her back and making an irritated face.
"Eh, I'm fine, it just ripped my kimono…I'll have to fix it tonight. Sango explained as she withdrew her hand from the spot where she'd been struck and Kagome exclaimed in shock to see a smear of red streaking the other girl's fingers.
"You're bleeding!" Kagome was immediately rushing for her bag, digging through it until she produced a kit of medical supplies, much to Sango's annoyance. "Let me see…"
"Oh, it's barely a scratch…" Sango trailed off as she felt a firm hand on the small of her back, just below the spot where she had been hit by the wood.
"Sango, it seems that you have been injured." Miroku's deep voice confirmed her suspicions as to who the owner of the hand might be. "Kagome-sama, we should heal this right away."
"Yes, I got my kit out and I was just going to." Kagome smiled brightly at having Miroku side with her, and both of them hustled the grumping Sango off to a flat patch of grass where they could see to her wound, minor though it was. Kouga snorted slightly and realized that Ayame was still next to him. She was no longer grabbing him in any manner, but instead sitting beside him in a very contrite fashion while staring at her hands and pouting slightly.
"I'm fine." He told her, feeling a bit guilty for his outburst earlier. It was definitely helping his mood to see Inuyasha setting about to clean up the mess of firewood while grumbling under his breath the entire time, and the fact that Kagome was now preoccupied with her friend also added to his indulgence. "Just don't get so worked up next time."
"Well," Ayame was kneading a bit of the fur in her pelt, worrying the strands together and squeezing them into her little fists. "It's just that I care about you, Kouga. You know that I do. I've told you so many times and I…"
"I know." Kouga patted her shoulder, feeling a bit weary and wondering why he couldn't help but think of Ayame as a child. Every time that he saw her, no matter how she had grown and what she could do, no matter her strength or her appearance, he always saw that scared little girl who had clutched his neck tight as he carried her through the night of the moon rainbow. It was sad, and regretful perhaps. Her grandfather truly had hoped for them to mate when Ayame reached a suitable age, and it was not something that Kouga thought he could do even out of kindness for the old wolf. To mate with a girl who he was certainly fond of, but for whom he felt the love of a brother…it was certainly unnatural and every instinct in him fought against the idea, no matter how depleted the tribe had become, and no matter what a sensible match it might seem at first glance. And then…she did care for him.
"Kouga, I've wanted to talk to you…but there hasn't been time with everything that's going on." Ayame looked as though she were about three seconds from bursting into tears, and Kouga's anti-girly crying alarms were going off full blast. He looked around desperately for some sort of escape, but she was holding his hand now. What could he do without upsetting her even more than he already had?
"Kouga! Look at how many we caught!" Ginta chose that moment to march into the clearing with Hakkaku and the wolves bearing the welcome gift of about fifteen fish as well as a much-needed interruption. They were also accompanied by the large cat demon and the little fox demon that Kouga thought he'd heard Kagome call Shippo once or twice.
"Oh, Ginta! Hakkaku, why don't you two help me set those up so they can get ready when it's time for dinner." Kagome was on her feet immediately, and Kouga joined them, taking a share of the fish to assist them, even though he knew they were perfectly capable of preparing food for themselves, and usually they wouldn't even bother to cook the fish, but apparently a few days with Kagome had forced them to show every modicum of human etiquette that they could possibly manage.
"Should I help too?" Ayame joined them, looking a bit embarrassed, and Kouga handed her a fish with an apologetic smile. He hoped that she understood he really was sorry. He just…didn't think he had the heart to explain it to her so fully.
If only she didn't look at me so hopefully…like I'm the only one in the world who can solve her problems. It makes me feel like everything I do is letting her down. Kouga thought as he worked on setting the fish on sticks that Shippo was placing diligently next to the fire. And it reminds me of everything I've done to make that look feel wrong. I'm not perfect…I've failed so many people. His kinsmen, who had died so needlessly; Kagome, who had suffered so much; Kagura…
Kagura? I never failed her. I never owed her anything. He thought stubbornly, but he could still see those eyes, so hurt and pleading with him so desperately. Perhaps even more desperately than the green eyes of Ayame who looked on him with such adoration and hope. That time…she said it didn't matter…that she didn't expect me to care…but when she apologized, I think that Kagura really did feel sorry for what she did. And even though it doesn't make her any better, it makes me worse because I wouldn't forgive her. All she wanted from me was forgiveness.
But I still can't do it. So I guess I'm failing her as well. He sighed and stabbed the last fish before handing it to Shippo and glancing over at where the monk was being surprisingly honorable about the small cut on Sango's back. However, almost as if on cue, there was a sudden stiffness to her body and she turned around to slap him so sharply the noise reverberated through the clearing, and Kagome let out a weary sigh of her own. It had only been a few days now, but Kouga was growing accustomed to this new way of life. He was enjoying the large group, the constant company, and the varied experiences that were so reminiscent of his tribe before Kagura had killed them…
And there I go again…why can't I think of something else? But the truth of it was that even before he had spent so much time with her, Kagura's sin had occupied his mind nearly every waking moment of his travels in pursuit of her and of Naraku. Maybe that's why I can't forgive her. When you want vengeance…you don't expect apologies like that. You expect evil and hardship and a fight against all odds to show all of the kin that died that you were willing to risk everything to avenge them. And now…it's hard to be mad at her. But…forgiveness…I don't know if I can ever find that in myself for someone like her, no matter what excuses she has.
She's my sister.
And if someone killed her, would you hate them?
I'd kill them.
Now you know how I feel.
Kouga sighed again and leaned back, enjoying the smell of the fish as they crackled and browned on the edge of the fire. Kagura might know how I feel. She might understand. But I hope…he wasn't sure why, but even though he had sworn to kill her and still could not forgive her, he could not wish his own misery upon that sad-eyed youkai woman who was so alone and didn't even realize the sadness of her situation since it was all she had ever known. I hope her sister is alright.
"Kouga-kun, are you ready for some dinner?" Kagome leaned over him, smiling and offering a sufficiently roasted fish. He smiled at her and took the fish, considering it slowly.
"Thanks." He didn't bite into it, though. He thought he'd wait for it to cool.
*****
The End (Of Part 7, That Is)