VII. ARMISTICE DAY

It was a perfect day for a perfect wedding. The bride was stunning as she strode down the aisle, her dress flowing behind her and flowers in her hair. They held the celebration outside, and it was surrounded by birdsong and soft breezes that the young Daphne Vickers approached the makeshift altar.

As she took her place, Lord Weller, the best man and ring bearer presented, her with her fiancé propped up on the silk pillow alongside the two golden bands. One couldn't tell exactly what sort of expression Robert Weller would have been wearing on this day if he had still had a face, but even if the details were somewhat of a mystery, it was obvious from the trembling of his fingers that he was excited to be here.

Robert had never expected to be able to get married after the events that had befallen him. In another lifetime, he'd had a wife whom he'd loved very much. But she was eight centuries dead and gone now, and afterwards, romance had been very low on his list of priorities because he was, for the most part, also dead.

"We are gathered here today…"

With the priest's droning speech in the background, the weight of his situation truly began to sink in. Robert felt so much pride flow through him; he propped himself up as high as he could so that he could show the world his proud and handsome bearing. His cufflinks were especially nice.

Though Robert and Daphne may not have noticed it, wrapped up as they were in their own world, the guests had gotten strangely silent with the groom's appearance. Some had taken to gnawing on their lips until they bled; others had started to sob, which, though not uncommon at weddings, seemed to be rather more hysterical than the norm at this particular event. That was how it appeared to Father Vincenzo, at least.

Being the sole priest for miles around, Father Vincenzo had seen a lot of weddings in his time – enough that he was able to recite the vows on autopilot while his mind mulled over this farcical union.

Since Kentenau was so close to the border, they naturally saw much more of the humans than most others in Shin Makoku. It wasn't something that he would openly admit, but he never turned away the interracial couples who came to him in secret. This, however, was so far from an interracial marriage that the old priest wondered if it was all a big cosmic joke. A long time ago, during a pilgrimage to the temple, he had heard from the shrine maidens that Shinou had a very interestingsense of humor. He supposed this was true.

Father Vincenzo cleared his throat and tried his best not to frown. He glanced over at Daphne, awaiting her response.

Her cheeks flushed a most fetching shade of rosy pink. "I… I do…" she softly stuttered out.

"And do you, Robert Weller, take Daphne Vickers to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?"

Father Vincenzo directed his gaze at the groom, awaiting his response. There was a tense moment of silence, wherein all eyes were directed at the mysterious newcomer who had stolen their Daphne's heart.

The arm flopped once on its pillow.

"…Aw, fuck it. I-now-pronounce-you-arm-and-wife-you-may-kiss-the-bride."

Daphne's trembling hands came up to lift her beau… Her breath hitched, and in the next second, she had brought the arm to her lips and Robert lunged forward to meet her. They collided in searing passion. Petal-soft lips against strong knuckles. Slick tongue against hard nails. The kiss was steamy enough that some of the older ladies had to look away.

Ah, youth… Father Vincenzo merely sighed and sent a secret prayer to the heavens. Great Shinou, please bless this marriage so that I might not experience the process of going through with a limbosexual divorce.Having sent his wish on its way, he turned to Lord Weller, thinking that he might share a sympathetic glance.

This was a mistake, for the response he got was an exact replica of the one from their last conversation. All that was missing was the parchment and the extra arms.

n_n

-oOo-

It was nice having Conrad back, Yuuri thought. Things were never the same when Conrad was away from the castle for any extended period of time. A distant part of Yuuri's mind chimed in, saying that things would still be awkward even with Conrad around, because… the arms… Yuuri found that he couldn't keep his eyes from flicking to Conrad's sides, expecting extra limbs to burst out at any second.

But never mind that! Sure, the wedding had been pretty much the weirdest thing he'd ever seen, but it had been sweet in its own special way. Yuuri absentmindedly plucked a stray arm off his back and flicked it downhill, bringing his attention back to Conrad.

They stood at the foot of the small grave. Conrad was gazing somberly at the basket of raspberries laid before it. The war had been brief, and the casualties were nearly all on Dai Shimaron's side, but even one lost Mazoku soldier was one too many.

Conrad plucked up one of his discarded arms and laid it next to the fruit so that it looked like the hand was offering them to the grave. It was a nice gesture, though somewhat ruined by the bloody smear that the detached limb left on the side of the stone.

"Mumbles liked raspberries," Conrad said mournfully.

Perhaps there was something very profound about this point, but Yuuri was too dumb to get it. He didn't feel like embarrassing himself by asking too many questions, but he couldn't very well lie about understanding it, either.

Yuuri shifted on the balls of his feet. "Ah…" He opened his mouth to speak, then pulled back and bit worried his bottom lip.

"What is it, Your Majesty?"

"Oh, I was just wondering what his name was. I mean, he was a very brave soldier, and he should be commended for having sacrificed his life in service to his country! But Conrad, don't you think it's odd for his headstone to say 'Mumbles'?"

Conrad was silent.

The heart-breaking look on his friend's face made Yuuri feel like he'd done something wrong, and he had to clarify. "Not that it's a bad thing!" he said, waving his hands frantically. "I'm sure he really liked the nickname and would have liked it on his grave!"

"No…" Conrad said. His sad expression was still there, and actually even sadder, if possible. It skillfully stabbed Yuuri with guilt, slaying him more effectively than Conrad's terrible puns had ever managed.

"W-what do you mean?"

"We didn't," Conrad whispered, "know his name. He always mumbled it."

"WHAT."

-oOo-

Meanwhile, in Anissina's mobile lab, the greatest scientist who had ever lived had just completed her greatest medical breakthrough. She had cured a Possession Sue with the power of science! And all it had taken was a thousand volts of magically-generated electricity right to the head!

Never before had anyone, man or woman, human or demon, accomplished such a feat. Common knowledge held that once a Sue spirit entered a canon character, the only way to get rid of it was to perform an exorcism on the entire fic. Possession Sues were notoriously hard to kill, and it was even more difficult to cure one without completely annihilating the poor soul trapped within the Sue-doll. Why, anyone else would have said it was as unimaginable as wiping away the sparkling stains caused by magical healing sex with a sparkling vampire!

But nothing was impossible to Poison Lady Anissina.

"All done," she said, unlocking the titanium manacles that held Wolfram down on the cutting board. "Take care not to let this happen again, all right? You seem to have become more susceptible to possession after that incident with Shinou. I suspect that when he first took control of your body, he made the path easier for other spirits to get in. Oh, but just in case, take these pills once a week as follow-up. Read the label for possible rare side effects."

She tossed the small jar at Wolfram, who deftly caught it out of mid-air. In the next moment, Anissina had turned her attention back to her table full of prototypes, and Wolfram was left to his own devices. He tucked the pills into his coat, and then flexed his hands to test their strength. Yes, the power had returned to his sword arm.

Wolfram smirked. It was a devilish smirk that said, "Don't fuck with me unless you like your ass the way you like your bacon: extra crispy."

He and the wimp were going to have words. In particular, they would be having a nice chat about why Yuuri had run away from him rather than seeking a cure for his… unfortunate previous condition. As he stalked out of the lab and into town, Wolfram couldn't help but let out a snarl as he remembered his own uncharacteristically wimpy behavior.

How could he have thrown away his pride like that? How could he have just cast away all his hard-earned skills in swordsmanship in majutsu in favor of cheap appeals at the readers' sympathy via crocodile tears and suicide attempst? Aaaarrgh! Wolfram clenched his fists and ground his teeth so hard that it was like Bambi's mother had died all over again, and then all the cute woodland creatures were thrown into a volcano and exploded back out, their fluffy tails and twitching whiskers now nothing but a lake of boiling lava.

He turned his sharp gaze to the stables, where a guard was caring for the Maou's horse. The guard's expression turned silly, and then utterly soppy as Wolfram approached. Wolfram did not appreciate the lusty gazes he received on a regular basis. While it was only natural that others find him attractive, and of course he took pride in his appearance, he objected to being sized up like a tasty little morsel of an uke-kitten who needed a hot rod of catnip shoved up his backside in order to feel complete. He had thought that he had beaten and fried this disgusting habit out of the castle's men, but apparently he had been somewhat lax in his discipline during his recent bout of… illness.

"Where's Yuuri?" Wolfram asked, casually kicking the bloody arm from his path and wiping his boot on the grass. When there was no response, he dug the tip of his sword into the guard's throat and silently threatened him as to the whereabouts of his erstwhile fiancé.

Sweat beaded on the poor guard's brow as he tried to face the anger gleaming from those emerald green crystalline orbs. In the weeks before, the guard had admired Wolfram, especially the view from behind, the pert bakery buns fresh from the goddess of love's ovens, but now? Now he just feared for his life.

"His Majesty dove into a pool of water earlier!"

"Goddamnit!" Wolfram took his anger out on Ao's stall, which resulted in many dents and scorch marks along the wooden posts.

Behind him, the guard sighed and thought that reality was so cruel. He wished for the return of his Lovely Angel Wolfram-hime rather than this bad-tempered manly prince who only sparkled once every hundred episodes or so.

"Ahh~, Prince Wolfram was so much hotter as a super-uke." He really should not have said this out loud, for it only resulted in his pants being set on fire.

Well then, Wolfram thought as he firmly planted the heel of his boot down on the wailing guard's flaming crotch, desperate times called for desperate measures. With a sadistically gleeful gleam in his eyes, Wolfram plotted to go to his mother's room to steal a whip and corset from her infamous "toy chest". Yuuri was just too dense to be dealt with in a normal fashion, and the wimp kept running away, too. That just meant he needed to be tied up.

Perhaps Wolfram could steal one of Conrad's ugly uniforms, too, and be a cute Nazi on weekends. He had a bounce in his stride as he left to implement his new plan, leaving nothing but whimpers and barbecued testicles in his wake. And Ao, calmly munching his oats.

-oOo-

Back on Earth, Yuuri lay across the plush red couch in the doctor's office. He sighed, brushing back his fringe and rubbing at his eyes. Yuuri gulped and said, "It was such a shock! But now I don't know if I was disgusted at what I saw, or if I was disgusted at myself for liking it! I mean, there were all these tubes down there, and electrical things attached to his nipples, and he was giggling!"

"Perhaps it would be best if we started at the beginning, Shibuya-san."

"I-I think I might be a sexual deviant… Ah! I don't know if I can do this…"

"Everything you say will be absolutely confidential."

"Yeah, I know. It's just… hard to start."

"Take all the time you need, Shibuya-san."

"Well, Doc, I walked in on one of my friends having really kinky sex, and now I can't stop thinking about it…"