Total Drama Fantasy
Story Written by Freedom Fighter
So back on the saddle after a few weeks off. The unfortunate thing is, because of the lay-off, we've had some turnover in the cast. Uh oh!
Disclaimer: The characters of the 'Total Drama' series belong to Fresh TV, Inc., Teletoon, and Cartoon Network, not me. The songs used in this chapter are property of their respective owners.
(Ah, that was a nice vacation!
Let's rejoin our heroes as they Wander through a forest...
What? Again?)
The group of adventurers walked along the dirt path, not daring to stray from it, as they heard all sorts of wild animals and insects rustling in the nearby underbrush.
(At least our motley crew of seven is in good spirits...)
Coming to a clearing, they decided to sit down and take a lunch break. Trent and Cody unfolded the blanket, Gwen started to take out a few pre-wrapped sandwiches from a basket, Tyler was holding back Owen as the latter tried to make a mad dash, for the food, and Geoff and Bridgette...
Geoff and Bridgette...
(Where's Geoff and Bridgette, guys?)
"Geoff and Bridgette?" Cody rubbed the back of his head. "Well..."
LeShawna walked into her royal bedroom, smiling as she was counting the money she got from her one-time narration gig last chapter.
"Man, I got PAID like Kobe!"
But her happiness would quickly turn into anger as she dropped her cash upon seeing Geoff lying on top of Bridgette on top of the covers of LeShawna's bed, kissing as if there was no tomorrow.
"When people told y'all to get a room... THEY DIDN'T MEAN MINE!"
The two lovebirds ignored her as they were lost in their make-out session.
"We didn't dare try to get them to stop," Trent admitted. "He had a gun after all!"
"Wait a minute!" Tyler gasped, coming to a realization.
Tyler looked at Gwen, who had look of displeasure on her face as he pointed his finger at her.
"One..." he counted. "Uh, one..."
Tyler then glanced around the area, and Gwen tapped her foot impatiently as she waited until the rest of the realization caught up to him.
"We're down to one girl again! Gwen's gonna kill us!"
Tyler screamed as he ran off, scooting past Owen, who had his head buried in the picnic basket and was unaware of what was going on.
"I'll go get him," Trent sighed.
"You're leaving me behind with Gwen?" Cody asked, a bit frightened as Trent took off.
"Oh, come on!" Gwen threw her hands up in frustration. "Just because Bridgette's gone doesn't mean I'll go all Carrie on you guys!"
"If it's all the same," Cody said, as he hid behind the still-unaware Owen, "I think I'll keep my wandering hands away from you for awhile."
"Fine then. I promise that the next girl we see, I'll allow to join the team. No questions asked."
Enter 'next' girl, running towards them and screaming at the top of her lungs in fear. It was Katie, who had her arms up in the air and her eyes closed.
"Wait," Gwen quickly shouted. "The next one!"
Seconds later, Sadie appeared... also running towards them, screaming in fear, arms in the air, etc.
"Mental note to self..." mumbled Gwen under her breath. "The writer's first on my hit list."
-[I wanna be, I wanna be famous...]-
-
Chapter Seven - She's a Blonde (08.16.10)
-
A few minutes later, the band of heroes, now back together, were with Katie and Sadie. The two girls were quivering in fear as they all passed a sign that read 'Welcome to Shallow Falls' in big, black letters.
And then under it, in much smaller print... 'Otherwise known as the true 'The Hills.' Not filmed on a backlot, we swear!'
It was then that the gang saw why Katie and Sadie had been running away from this place. Palm trees had been uprooted, houses had been destroyed and/or ransacked, cute little chihuahuas were yipping and yapping wildly, and there was a group of people in tattered clothing crying in front of... what looked like to be a perfectly intact upscale shopping mall.
"What are they so sad about?" Trent asked, a little confused.
"The Neiman Marcus, Lord & Taylor, and Bloomingdale's here all went out of business simultaneously yesterday," explained Katie.
"I haven't seen people this sad since we lost Hecht's!" cried Sadie.
"You were running in fear because a few stores closed down?" Gwen growled as she glared at them.
They then heard the sound of a four-story building five blocks away collapse. They looked in that direction and saw it disappear in a cloud of smoke.
"That's the reason we were running in fear!" replied Sadie.
"Some jerk came into 'The Hills' and started destroying everything!" exclaimed Katie.
"We tried to stop the baddie..."
"...but he had a chainsaw and a hook!"
"I love this town, but, like, not enough to risk my life for it."
"That's what I was about to say, Katie! Only... about my life not worth risking!"
"Woo hoo!" Owen yelled enthusiastically. "Time to rush into action!"
"And impress some hot blonde chicks!" Tyler added.
Cody and Gwen started to run in the direction of the collapsed building. Tyler and Owen were about to follow, but were stopped by Trent, who raised his arms to block them.
"Sorry, dudes... main characters only!"
Trent then turned and ran after Cody and Gwen.
"I thought I was a main character," Owen scratched his head, perplexed.
"You can't do this!" Tyler yelled at Trent as he pointed at... Katie and Sadie. "They're... they're not blondes!"
Trent, Cody, and Gwen arrived on the scene, and they heard the bone-chilling sound of a chainsaw running not too far from them.
"Who would have such a grudge against this city that they'd want to reduce it to rubble?" Trent asked loud.
"Maybe it's that Mistress that Geoff talked about," suggested Cody. "She did kind of want to see us dead."
"Yeah, us!" Gwen corrected him. "Not a whole city full of high-class socialites who think the world revolves around them and spend their money on frivolous things and flash their jewelry at us as if we actually cared... wait, why are we trying to save these people again?"
"Because it's the right thing to do, Gwen!" Cody said with a smile.
"Oh, please..."
Gwen looked up and saw a guy looking over her shoulder.
"AAAAHHH!" Gwen screamed, jumping up.
Upon hearing Gwen, Trent and Cody stopped arguing and turned their attention to her, as she came running into their arms.
"Who are you?" Trent asked.
"He's not the Mistress, that's for sure," Cody pointed out.
"Do I look like HER?" the guy yelled.
"I dunno..." hesitated Trent. "I've seen RPGs where guys look like girls, and vice versa..."
"This isn't one of those lame Japanese games!"
Gwen finally got a good look at the creeper... and gasped.
"Duncan! I... I almost didn't recognize you!"
"What the... I'm not even wearing a stupid costume!"
True enough, Duncan was dressed exactly like he was in real life. But with two small, yet noticeable differences.
He was holding a chainsaw in his right hand and there was a hook in place of his left hand.
"You're the one destroying this city?" Gwen asked Duncan.
"What can I say... I hate rich people."
"Says the guy who won a million dollars," grumbled Trent.
"Did the Mistress put you up to this?" questioned Cody.
"Why would I have to answer to her?" Duncan stated in return. "Besides, I heard rumblings that the King wanted her replaced. I was in the right place at the right time, so I took her plan to draw you losers out into the open, and it worked to perfection! With a few modifications on my part to make it even more menacing, of course!"
"The King?"
"Yes, King, as in, ruler of this world and owner of the butt of everyone that resides in it!"
"But our characters have lived here for years," shouted Trent. "How come we haven't heard about this guy until now?"
"Um... because... well... your mother!"
"Wow," Gwen rolled her eyes. "Real original."
"Look, all you losers have to know is that I am one of the King's Four Horsemen! And I'm here to do what my predecessors couldn't do... kill all of you!"
"No thanks," Cody shook his head, "I've already had my requisite fear for my life moment today."
"ARGH!" Duncan yelled.
Duncan then pulled the start cord on his chainsaw. Once it was going, he raised it in the air and charged at the trio.
Gwen leafed through her spell book, searching for a spell of some sort as she ran and hid behind some rubble while Trent and Cody engaged Duncan in battle.
"Take this!" Trent yelled.
Trent's sword clashed with Duncan's chainsaw, and sparks flew literally as the saw's teeth tried to rip through the sword. Trent had to raise his arms to keep from being blinded by the sparks as Duncan began to push him backwards.
"Nice sword," commented Duncan calmly. "Big too. Compensating for something?"
"Hey!"
Cody reached into a black duffel bag, which was full of different colored rubber balls which he had bought in Ontario Falls.
"These should really come with labels," Cody said as he picked up the orange ball.
He threw it at Duncan's head, hoping to catch him off-guard. But Duncan saw it coming, and raised his hook to pop it. The second the hook pierced the ball's outer surface, though, it burst into pieces. And out of it came a giant glob of slime, which splattered on anything in a 25-foot radius... including Duncan and Trent.
"Something's in a [BEEP!]in' hurry to die!" cursed Duncan.
Duncan pushed forward, just enough to tip Trent off his feet and cause the sword-wielder to fall backwards. Duncan headed for Cody, with anger apparent in his eyes. Cody quickly turned tail and ran, leaving his only means of self-defense behind.
"I'll show you, you Nickelodeon-loving freak!" yelled Duncan.
"I swear I only watch iCarly once a day!" Cody screamed in a panic. "Most people sit through three!"
"Her royal highness has returned! Her royal highness has returned!"
Everyone dropped to their knees and bowed as the stagecoach carrying Shallow Falls' ruler pulled up to the shopping mall.
"I bet you dinner that she's not blonde," Tyler whispered to Owen.
"You're on," Owen agreed, sealing the deal with a handshake.
Atop the coach, Izzy, dressed in a green bikini top and khaki pants, pulled on the reins, bringing the two horses pulling the coach to a complete stop.
"Okay!" Izzy shouted. "Everyone please rise for the national anthem!"
As she produced an AM/FM/CD stereo out of nowhere, everyone got to their feet and placed their right hand over their heart. Once she saw that everyone had done so, she pressed play...
(YOU MAKE ME VIOLATE YOU, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE!)
Izzy hastily pressed stop, and got a lot of odd stares in response to the song.
"Sorry!" she apologized as she ejected the CD from the stereo. "I was at a bachelorette party last night... crazy stuff, let me tell you! The bride-to-be was a horse! We were wrong to think three bags of food for her was enough!"
Izzy found the right CD and inserted it into the stereo's slot. The door to the stagecoach flew open, and Lindsay stepped out just as the song began to play.
(California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
We'll melt your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh)
Tyler's jaw was wide open in stunned silence at the site of Lindsay, who was dressed in only a red bikini top and very, very short blue jean shorts. So much so that he didn't notice Owen waving a menu in front of his eyes.
"I hear this city's got the biggest Golden Corral in New England!" Owen drooled with anticipation. "Boy, I can't wait!"
"Stop chasing me!" screamed Cody.
"Stop running then!" Duncan shouted in return.
Cody was leading Duncan back to the area where he had left his bag of rubber balls on the ground. But he wasn't trying to go for his arsenal of weapons... he was leading Duncan back to Gwen, who was charged full of magic and ready to strike.
"Dark magic!" Duncan exclaimed as he stopped in his tracks. "That's the only kind of magic that can hurt people!"
As Cody ran past Gwen and over to Trent, who was a safe distance away, Gwen started chanting off spells in quick succession, one after another.
"Urd! Fire! Betep! Air!"
Duncan was assaulted, in order, by weeds that rose out of the ground and wrapped around his legs, a fireball that lit up his mohawk in flames, a gust of wind that was strong enough to make his hook hand immobile in mid-air, and a quart's worth of water in an attempt to short-circuit the engine of the chainsaw. After reciting all four spells, Gwen dropped to her knees, gasping for air after she had expended all of her magic energy in such a short burst of time.
Trent and Cody both ran over to make sure Gwen hadn't overexerted herself... but their focus quickly changed when they saw a smirk flash across Duncan's face.
And then a small burst of energy exited his body, extinguishing all four elemental attacks simultaneously.
"No way," Cody's eyes trembled with dismay. "She put everything she had into those attacks..."
"Ha ha ha!" Duncan laughed loudly. "Nice try, Captain Planet... but without heart, you're just Aang, the Last Airbender!"
Cody gasped. "He used the M. Night pronunciation!"
Trent growled in anger as he lifted up his sword.
"Let's kick his ass!"
A lovestruck Tyler and an attentive Owen stood off to the side as Lindsay chatted with Katie and Sadie.
"I have to say," Lindsay stated as she looked around at the destruction, "this isn't what I pictured when I agreed to let you two redesign the entire business district."
"It's so not our fault, Princess Lindsay!" Sadie told her.
"That's right," nodded Katie. "Some jerk started wrecking stuff before we could even decide what color to repaint the buildings on Main Street."
"We're going with carnation pink and orange-smelling orange, BTW."
"I love it!" Lindsay exclaimed before getting serious. "This guy, though... I'm going to have to take care of him! This would be the part where I'd say his destruction will lower property values for years to come... but I don't even know what that means."
The three girls then started running towards the battle a few blocks away. Once out of earshot, Tyler finally snapped out of his daze.
"Did you see her, Owen? Did you see her?"
"I did. But I don't think she matches the description LeShawna gave us yesterday."
"Who cares about that? She's a blonde! A beautiful, gorgeous, buxom blonde! She's... she's... she's..."
"She's what, Tyler?"
"She's just the girl I'm looking forrrrr!" Tyler sang, albeit a bit off-key.
"Um... I don't think we have the rights to use that song..."
"After my future wife!" declared Tyler, taking off after Lindsay.
"Wait a minute!" Owen tried to object. "I can't run as fast as you!"
Owen huffed and puffed as he followed Tyler as best as he could.
Duncan was laughing even more maniacally as Trent's sword lied at his feet, split into two parts, and an unknown number of pieces of rubber of various colors were scattered across the battlefield. Trent and Cody themselves were on the ground as well, lying bruised and battered. Their heads were right alongside one another, as Trent was lying on his stomach and Cody on his backside.
Seeing the boys pretty much incapacitated, Duncan started casually walking over towards Gwen. And although Gwen was breathing normally again, she was unable to move as reciting four elemental spells almost simultaneously had temporarily paralyzed her arms and legs. She was also lying on her back, with her knees sticking up in the air, and was trying to figure out what to do as she saw Duncan coming her way.
Even more so when he stopped laughing and started smiling.
"Don't come any closer!" Gwen threatened. "I know how to escape psychos like you... I've seen the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre!'"
"Really? What's your favorite part, Gwen? Mine's any part where SOMEBODY DIES!"
Duncan then reached for the start cord on his chainsaw several times, and each time only pulled it hard enough to rev its engine.
"Heh heh..." Gwen gulped, "I sure walked into that one, didn't I?"
"GWEN!" Trent and Cody yelled simultaneously.
Duncan tried to start his chainsaw for real this time, but he got interrupted mid-pull... by a pebble hitting him in the face.
"Alright, whose bright idea was that?"
Duncan turned to see... Katie and Sadie, holding each other in sure terror... and pointing fingers at one another.
"I didn't throw it, but I'll take the blame for it!"
Lindsay stepped out from behind the two girls, standing proudly with her hands on her hips.
"This should be good," Duncan snickered, waiting to see where Lindsay was going with this.
Tyler arrived on the scene, coming to a stop and bending over as he attempted to catch his breath. Katie and Sadie clapped in delight, but Lindsay ignored them all as her attention was solely on Duncan.
"I AM LINDSAY, THE RULER OF SHALLOW FALLS, AND AS SUCH... do you mind if you leave? Because, seriously, your redecorating decisions leave a lot to be desired."
"Ha! Sweetie, I don't think you realize who you're up..."
"Wait wait wait!" interrupted Lindsay. "I forgot my theme music! Do over!"
"Huh? Theme music?"
Lindsay snapped her fingers, expecting to hear her theme music playing. Katie and Sadie glanced at each other, trying to figure out what to do. The stereo was back with the stagecoach. When Lindsay snapped a second time, the girls hastily resorted to desperate measures...
They began to sing.
"California girls, we're unforgettable! Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top!"
The lyrics were easily forgettable, because Katie and Sadie's signing was so off-key that nearby intact windows were breaking and everyone around them was screaming in pain, their hands held up to their ears, trying to drown out the sound... but to no avail. But, in addition to the singing girls themselves, Lindsay appeared unaffected. In fact, she was bobbing her head and toe-tapping to the beat.
"How does this even make sense?" Duncan managed to yell over the terrible singing. "You're from Canada, the song refers to California, and this town is like a minuscule facsimile of New York City!"
Then, without warning, the girls' loud screeching is enough to send nuts and bolts flying from Duncan's idle chainsaw, eventually resulting in the tool breaking into a pile of pieces at his feet.
"Ugh! I don't have to take this! I'm outta here!"
Duncan whistled for a ride out of Shallow Falls, and one entered in the form of a flying carpet. Once it came to a stop, Duncan climbed on, pointed the shortest way out of the city, and he was gone. Coincidentally, at that exact moment, Katie and Sadie had finished singing Lindsay's theme song.
"Nobody's ever run away from my theme song before," commented Lindsay. "Strange."
Ten minutes later, after Trent, Cody, and Gwen had all drank potions to recover their strength, and Owen had arrived on the scene, the entire group was surveying the damage left behind by Duncan.
"Looks like there's only one thing we can do," Lindsay sighed.
Lindsay snapped her fingers, at which Sadie reached into the pocket of her short shorts and pulled out an all-black credit card with Lindsay's name on it and a picture of her in the bottom right corner.
"For everything you've ever wanted... and then some," she proclaimed, "there's only one card you can trust. The Lindsay Card! If you don't have one, you ain't worth a billion dollars!"
She then handed the card to Sadie, who jumped up and down in glee... as did Katie.
"Do whatever you need, girls... I trust in you!"
"EEEEEEE!" Katie and Sadie screamed, forcing everyone else to cover their ears again.
The two girls pulled out cell phones the size of thumbtacks, and started making some calls.
"How did you do that?" Tyler asked, walking up behind Lindsay. "That was incredible!"
"Oh... so you liked my theme song to-..."
Lindsay turned around to face Tyler, and the second she did, her mouth stopped moving. The two of them became lost in each other's eyes, and they just stared for minutes on end.
"I guess we found Bridgette's replacement," declared Trent.
Gwen raised her finger to object, but Cody shot a look at her.
"Gwen... you promised!"
Gwen sighed. "Fine. But no more schilling for companies, okay?"
Trent, Cody, and Owen shrugged their shoulders, not knowing what Gwen was talking about...
As she stood there with Hot Topic decals pasted on her leotard, cape, skirt, and the spell book in her hand.
*** To be continued... ***
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