Hermit woke up, nuzzled in bed like one of those perfect pigs in the blanket that AJ always made. A hot dog wrapped in a croissant. Mmmm. Food. She thought. Mouth beginning to water. Time to put a yummy in this tummy. She thought. Putting on her PJs, she stumbled down her wing of the asylum, past the mod kink dungeon, heading downstairs.
"WEEEEW!" She heard in the controversy and politics channel.
Looks like someone's up. Better go say hi. She thought
She opened the door to see Nintega De Stellar standing above a massive sea of flame.
"Morning, Hermie!" Nintega waved. There was a smoke mask covering his face. "Just making some bacon!"
He was holding a pan over the inferno. Bacon sizzled liked the screams of literal demons.
"Ooh, mind if I have some?"
"Sure! I got plates full!" He pointed down. Right at his side was 2 plates of bacon stacked a foot high each. "I have been cooking all morning!"
"Thanks!"
Hermit was about to take a few pieces when she remembered that she needed to WASH HER FUCKING HANDS. Oops. She thought. I was almost careless and unsanitary. After being a good little sugar plum fairy and cleaning her hands, Hermit took some of Nintega's bacon.
As she opened up the fridge, she remembered something. "As a mod, it is your job as to put out any flame wars that might happen. Anywhere and everywhere in this asylum."
Controversy-and-politics was on fire. Literal fire.
"Well, shit."
Walking to the mod office, she looked at all the mod commands. "Let's see here... ferret button, fuck button, ferret fuck button... here we go! Foam button!" She pressed the foam button and sent it to controversy and politics.
Walking back to the kitchen she heard someone scream. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGH!"
Nintega came in crying. "MY BACON. IT ALMOST GOT FOAMED ON!"
No flames in contro. Hermit thought.
Turbo sat on the couch, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper.
The Discord Spotify radio was playing some soft jazz. Owl's vanilla air wicks gave the asylum a pleasant smell.
"Yo Turbo!" Sling was holding a pack of cards. "Mol, Sho and I are gonna play some spades. You in?"
"Nah, I'm good." He waved it off.
"Aight." Sling walked off. "He said he's good boys."
Turbo went back to his newspaper. You know, it's a nice day, I think I'll go for a ri-
"HUAT!"
Turbo blinked, looking up from his paper. He looked up from the couch.
Nothing but the spotify radio.
Ehh, maybe one of them sneezed. He thought, going back to his newspaper.
"HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!"
"Turbo, did you happen to hear that awful sound as well?" Twisted said, entering the living room. "I was in the kitchen making a sandwich and I heard that awful screeching. I let it slide the first time, but it's becoming irritating very quickly."
"I agree." Turbo placed his newspaper down. "Let's go see what those three are-"
"Yo, what the hell y'all got blasting on the TV?" Shoryu, Mol, and Sling came to the room.
"That's not you guys?" Turbo said.
"HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "OHMRAAAAAAAUUUUUGHT!"
"Apparently not." Mol said. "It sounds like its coming from one of the channels.
"I think I heard it from contro." Sho said.
"CP?" Turbo paused. "Wait a sec. I think I know what it is. Sea lions."
"Sea Lions?" Sling asked.
"Yeah. These creatures are the trolls of the animal kingdom. The will invade your space and disingenuously ask ridiculous questions to waste your time and piss you off.
AJ Get the banhammers. Sea Lion emergency."
"HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!"
"Is there no way to make these sea lions fuck off?" Mol said.
"Way ahead of you." Twisted approached the door to the channel, 6-shooter in hand. "I'll handle this."
Turbo gulped. "Uh Twisted, I don't think that's a good idea."
"HEY! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" The group saw Twisted shout.
"HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!""HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!"
The roar was deafening with the door open.
"I MEAN IT!" Twisted fired off a shot. The group jumped back.
The sea lions went silent in an instant.
"Guys, what's going on?" AJ walked into the living room, holding several banhammers. She gave one to Turbo.
"Nothing." Twisted walked back. "Some sea lions were just making a ru-"
"EXCUSE ME!" A sea lion jumped Twisted from behind. The group gasped as Twisted was smothered in an instant. "WHAT IS THE MEANING BEHIND THIS HOSTILITY?!.
"TWISTED!" Sho picked up a chair and rushed the sea lion. He smacked the sea lion in the face with the chair.
"WAIT!" Turbo said.
"WE ARE JUST EXERCISING OUR RIGHTS!" Another sea lion emerged, tackling Sho.
The chair splintered to pieces. Sho felt his chest collapse in as the sea lion pinned him to the floor. "GY-HACK!" Taking a splintered piece, Sho jabbed the seal in the eye. Clutching his chest, Sho tried to retreat, but another seal flopped down on him. Sho went headfirst into the floor.
"If we let any more in, they'll flood the place," AJ said. "MOVE!"
"Mol." Turbo tossed Mol his mod keys. "Go to the mod room and mute the server. We'll hold them off."
"Got it." Mol ran to the back.
"Sling," Turbo threw him a banhammer. "Whatever you do, don't stop swinging. Let's go."
Sling nodded. "Let's go."
The two charged rushed into the fray.
"BEGONE!" AJ shouted, bashing the sea lions and turning them into poofs of air.
"WE ARE SIMPLY ASKING QUE-" POOF!
"YOU ARE ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE ARE RI-" POOF!
"HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!""HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!" "HUAT!
The sea lions up close were maddening. The earsplitting screams only enraged AJ more. "BAN! BAN! BAN! BAN! BANBANBANBANBANBANBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!POOF!POOF!POOF!
POOF!POOF!POOF!
"We gotta get Sho and Twisted!" POOF! POOF! Sling shouted. "They'll suffocate!" POOF! POOF!
POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF! "Make a push for the last places you saw them!" Turbo said. "Don't let them knock you off your feet!" POOF! POOF!
Between the mass of sea lion fat, Sling saw an arm on the ground. With extra vigor, Sling pushed forward with quick ban thrusts. Reaching Sho's body, Sling put his fingers against Sho's throat. Sho was breathing, but barely.
Sling grabbed Sho's shoulders and pulled him away.
"YOU ARE ABUSING YOUR POWERS BY NOT ALLOWING ME INPUT!" A sea lion barreled through, smacking Sling to the floor. The banhammer fell with a heavy thud.
"Shit, Sling's in trouble!" Turbo said. "I know I'm near Twisted. If I double back now, he might die!" He looked at AJ. She was losing steam, coming to a standstill. The sea lions kept pouring in. Mol, where are you?
BANG! A sea lion dropped to the floor in an instant.
Turbo looked down. Twisted was crawling back, hack and gasping for air. The gun rattled in his hand as he empties the chamber. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Told ya mate." Turbo knelt down and gave Twisted his banhammer. "Ya didn't bring enough bullets."
"Noted," Twisted said with a growl. "Shit. That hurt."
"Hurt them back. I'm getting Sling and Shoryu." Turbo said.
AJ jumped back, panting. "These fuckers don't quit!"
"Hey AJ, can I get a hand?" Turbo said.
"Sure. I got this."
With the roar of a glamazon, AJ jumped up and smashed her banhammer down with an overhead smash attack.
After poofing more sea lions, AJ saw the banhammer come into view. She slid it over to Turbo.
"Thanks!" Turbo smacked another sea lion.
SHING! SHING! SHING! SHING!
A force field appeared at the channel, shutting out th rest of the sea lions. And it was soundproof, so as much as the sea lions wanted to shout, the group wasn't hearing any of it.
"Yeah, that's right!" AJ said, finishing off the last of the sea lions. "Get outta here!"
"Thank God for Mol," Turbo said. "That could have gotten worse."
"Took him long enough," Sling muttered. Him and Shoryu started to stir.
"So, I guess that's the end to controversy and politics, huh?"
Let's just agree to disagree that this is how it happened.