Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, I would not be writing fanfiction, I would be laughing at people who write fanfiction and all the crazy things they put in it.

A/N: So, something really interesting happened with this story. A couple chapters ago I found out that one of my reviewers, OhJay, has a cousin named Chandler Bates who loves Final Fantasy. I think that is so cool! Maybe this is one of those "there is no coincidence, only inevitability" kind of things.

Hey, real Chandler, you don't happen to have either a pet rabbit or a sister, do you?

Don't Panic

Zack was panicking. "Angeal, what do we do? Fluffy is a murderer and is gonna kill us and ! How the heck am I supposed to get back to Midgar and become a First Class SOLDIER and marry Aerith and live happily ever after if I'm murdered by a friggin' lagomorph!"

Meanwhile, the entire fandom attempted to decide whether to laugh or weep at the dramatic irony.

Angeal was not aware Zack knew that rabbits were lagomorphs. He just assumed his protégé was like everyone else in the world and thought they were rodents. Angeal paused to wonder how he knew rabbits were lagomorphs. Then he shook his head and returned his attention to his hyperventilating mentee. "Zack! Calm down!" he ordered, grabbing the boy's shoulder and giving him a good shake to knock his senses back into place. That is, if they had a place.

"Yeah… they do say panicking is one of the worst things you can do in a situation like this," Chandler pointed out.

"Gee, thanks, that makes me feel so much better about myself," Zack said sarcastically.

"Well," Angeal said, "We should probably start with getting out of the basement and trying to find the others."

Zack rolled his eyes. "Have you forgotten that the basement is locked?" he asked.

"Oh!" Chandler said suddenly, reaching into a hidden pocket on the side of her dress and pulling out a small, silver key. She held it out to Zack, who took it.

"Don't tell me this key works on every door in the house," he groaned.

"Fine, I won't tell you, but it does anyway," Chandler said, pushing him toward the door.

"Alright, alright, I'm opening it! If Sephiroth pops out with a bunny, though, I'm stabbing him regardless of the fact that he's my superior," Zack said. He slid the key into the lock and turned it, opening the door with much more ease than his and Angeal's numerous attempts at running into it and throwing heavy objects at it. Zack now wished he hadn't run into the wall so many times. He could have saved himself quite a bit of pain that way. After opening the door, Zack looked around for a few seconds, watching for any signs of Fluffy, Genesis, or Sephiroth. Having seen none, he crept out of the door.

"I thought you didn't like stealth missions," Angeal pointed out. Zack jumped at the loud noise.

"I'm trying to hide from people that might try to kill us, okay!" he snapped. "Besides, I have a plan."

Angeal rolled his eyes. "Do I want to know what this plan is?" he asked. Zack laughed, which Angeal decided was a 'no'. So, he just watched as Zack walked up the staircase out of the basement and into the kitchen. And then he decided that if they weren't in a horror story before, they certainly were now. The kitchen was covered in blood, from the ceiling to the antique tile floor. Angeal could not believe someone would ruin marble countertops like that. The blood was not fresh, which was a good sign. This meant that the rabbit had not been killing anyone as a rabbit. Still, it was not a nice sight, due to the fact that most of the blood was congealed and dried and disgusting. In the corner of the countertops, there sat a number of dusty bottles. Angeal couldn't make out their labels due to the darkness of the kitchen and the thick layer of dust.

"Well that's nasty," Zack said. Angeal raised an eyebrow, noting that this reaction was rather light compared to the rest of his responses, which usually involved losing control and nearly screaming in fright. Zack continued, bringing to light the reason he was not afraid of the bloody kitchen. "What kind of person would squirt ketchup all over the place like that?"

"Uh, Zack, I don't think that's… ketchup," Angeal replied.

Zack picked up one of the bottles, wiped the dust off the label and held it out to Angeal. "It's ketchup," he replied. "Trust me, Angeal. I'm a teenage boy. I know ketchup when I see it."

The label did indeed say 'Tomato Ketchup' on it, so Angeal decided not to argue any longer. If he did, Zack would probably try eating the ketchup to see if it really was ketchup, which would give him food poisoning, and Angeal really did not want to deal with that. So he just kept quiet as Zack unlocked yet another door and entered the living room. It was the same room they had started out this crazy journey in, and as Zack finally unlocked the front door, sunlight flooded the dusty old room. Suddenly, Zack recalled the suspicious stain on the couch, and glanced over at it.

"Speaking of not thinking things are ketchup…" Zack began, "What is that?"

Chandler glanced at it. "A coffee stain; what's it look like?"

Neither Zack nor Angeal wanted to tell her what it looked like.

And even if they had, they did not have a chance to, because Sephiroth, Genesis, and the little rabbit (which now had brown spots) came down the spiral staircase.

"I'll be riiiight back," Zack said, ducking out the door.

Angeal highly doubted this, but instead of yelling at Zack to come back inside (because it was pointless), Angeal turned to face Sephiroth and the rabbit. Genesis instantly ran to Angeal's side and hid behind his friend. "What are you maniacs doing!" Angeal shouted at Sephiroth and Fluffy.

"Fluffy and I are taking over the world in the name of cute bunnies and good hair!" Sephiroth announced. The rabbit stood up on its back feet and folded its cute little paws, attempting with all its might to give Angeal an evil stare.

It failed.

"My name is not Fluffy, you imbecile, I'm Clarisse!"

Sephiroth dropped the rabbit, looking astonished. "What? Imbecile! How dare you call me that?"

"As your leader, I can call you whatever I like!" Clarisse, who decided to be called Clarisse in the narration as well, replied.

"No way!" Sephiroth gasped, "This is NOT what I agreed to! I thought we were partners in this!"

"As if!" Clarisse scoffed.

Elsewhere in the universe, Xigbar shuddered and remarked that his catchphrase had been stolen.

The rabbit, as though it was at all possible, rolled her eyes and smoothed her ears back with her paw. "Fine, whatever, I'll just kill you all and take over the world myself." All of the men glanced down at her suspiciously, highly doubting that it was possible for a rabbit to take on three first-class SOLDIERS and win. Clarisse paced in a circle, turning around so that she was facing her sister, who was still standing next to Angeal. "Because, dear sister, even though I am a rabbit, rabbits can still be magicians just like humans can. After all, that wasn't ketchup on the kitchen walls."