The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 7

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

-Kaede Nikoli-Hultz

"AAAAAHH!" I hear Alphonse scream, "Holy shit!" That is probably the only time Al will ever swear. "What the hell is going on here?"

I stand corrected. I snapped my eyes open and asked myself six questions.

One: Did Al just swear?

Two: Why the hell is he here?

Three: What the hell is he talking about?

Four: Where the hell are my clothes?

Five: What the hell is Ed in my sleeping bag for?

Six: Where the hell are his clothes?

This meant one and only one thing..."I SLEPT WITH EDWARD! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed. Which woke Edward up, and he started screaming. Now we were all screaming. I scream, you scream, we all scream is this a dream? And then the man who was attacked by a honey badger rushed in. Odd how he was already in full military attire, but when he came over, it was déjà vu.

"AAAAAHH! Holy shit! What the hell is going on here?"

See what I mean?

"Uh, I think we got drunk." Ed replied questionably.

"And I must've slept with him while drunk." I added on, which is probably like adding tequila to a fire (Oh, the irony).

"But it was...AMAZING!"

"What was? Me or the alcohol?"

"Both, but the first more."

"I'd agree."

Alphonse did a facepalm. Well, an armor-palm. "Ugh, Kaede, do us all a favor and don't become the next Roy Mustang, okay?"

"HEY!" Roy replied furiously. "What's wrong with being me?"

"Uh, Colonel, how many women have you slept with?"

"80 I believe."

"Then that's one person off my list." I said quite frankly.

"WHAT?" Everyone yelled at me. Sheesh, tough crowd...

"Do you KNOW how many STD's could come from that?" I told him.

"I do my homework and check!" Mustang crossed his arms like a little kid.

"Really?" I said sarcastically. "How old were you when you slept with your first girl?"

"Seventeen. Why?"

"Well, based on how well YOU estimate, which is pretty shitty, you would be off by about forty, so if my math is correct (which it always is), that means...A WOMAN EVERY MONTH? ROY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU PERVERT!"

"I don't sleep with a woman every month!

"Is that so?" Once again, my voice filled to the brim with sarcasm.

"More like every week! It's three to four times before I find a new woman."

"Oh, I get it! You get tired of the same old sex after about three times, so you have to find someone new. How freakin nice."

Silence. What the hell is up with the damn awkward silences! I mean, come on! Are we really that weird together?

That was a rhetorical question. If you said yes, screw you.

"At least I don't have sex while I'm drunk." Mustang replied.

"You got drunk?" Al exclaimed.

"No shit, Sherlock." I said. "We all did! Except you." I looked around quickly before asking, "Has anyone seen our clothes? It tends to be cold in late January. And someone hand me the jug the shit was in!"

Alphonse pulled the clothes out of his armor as Edward handed me the jug. It was nice of Alphonse to find our clothes ahead of time. "No wonder we did that! Why the hell did I bring the freaking tequila out here? And it was this one! I thought it was Russian vodka!"

"What do you mean 'this one'?" Ed asked, catching his clothes from Al.

"Well," I said, catching mine. "I know a guy down at the Devil's Nest in Dublith who makes specialty sake mixes for his favorite customers. Don't know his name, but most people just call him Greed. Anyway, I told him to give me the #69 special, which is a kind of tequila. Normally I only have a shot or two, which really has no effect. But I guess when Ed and I downed the whole thing is when the effect kicked in. now I get why people call it 'The Maple Lover'. It's what I always buy." Well, that and two bottles of whiskey and a 12 pack of beer. But they don't need to know..."And we get the 'lover' part now."

"Yeah," Alphonse replied awkwardly. "Um, we should probably get going and start packing, right?"

"Uh, yeah." Roy replied. "We'll leave you two alone. Just don't try anything s-"

"Yeah yeah yeah," Ed interrupted. "We won't do it now, just go already!" As the other two left, Edward told me, "That was...different." Well, it WAS.

"Yup. Sigh, I hope we don't have to report this back."

"We won't. We wouldn't have to anyway. You're not in the military. The fraternization rules don't apply."

Sweet! Awesome awesome awesome! I can be with Edward!

"The only question," he continued. "Is whether or not you want to date someone five years younger than you or seven years older."

"Well, I don't want to be a dog of the military. Nor be cheated on. Nor get an STD. What do you think?"

"Well, I'd have to agree with all of that, so me it is then!"

We both laughed. "A song?" I offered.

"Sure!" he began.

Masshiro na keshiki ni ima sasowarete

Boku wa yuku yo mada minu sekai e

My turn!

Maigo no mama tabisheita nezumi iro no sora no shita

Higawari no chizu ikutsumo no yume ga nijin de ita

Itsukawasa chippoke na boku no kono hohaba demo

Ano kumo no mukou made yukeru kana

Tsuyogatte kizutsuita kokoro suka shita you ni

Furidashita asmetsubu tachi ga

Ranhanansha kurikaesu

Massugo na hikari ga kousashite

Yukosaki no tsugenu mama dokomademo tsukinukeru

Awai zanzou ryou me ni yakitsukete

Kono sora no shita donna tooku ni ite mo

And together we finished.

Todoku hazu nanda mada minu sekai e!