7. Charging the Mound
I was more than sick of this shit by now. Again, she had not shown up for school, and our friends were beginning to take notice. Applejack never missed school unless something was very wrong, and everyone knew that. And though I had assumed Pinkie might go squealing about everything to Twilight and Fluttershy, she managed to keep her mouth shut. She knew how important keeping friends secrets were in maintaining a friendship, I guess. She did, however, continue to nag me about the details, and though normally I could not shut up about Applejack, today I was not feeling quite so talkative.
I had gone out to sit on the stoop that overlooked the field, hoping to get some time alone. Unfortunately, that was not how it turned out. I was followed by that loud-mouthed, nosy young lady who just loved to pick at things she shouldn't.
"When did you know how you felt? How did you tell her? Wait! Does she even know? How far have you gone with her, first base, second base, oh my gosh, third? I can't imagine Applejack letting anyone that far, but I'm sure if she did it would be you. Does she even date? Does she even like girls? Do you think she—" I could not stand Pinkie's babbling any longer.
"Pinkie! Look, I don't know if Applejack likes me, or girls, or any of it. I don't really want to talk about it, okay?" I murmured the last bit into my hand as I slipped into a lazy slouch. "Not with you, anyway." I added almost inaudibly.
"Then do you want to talk about it with Applejack?" She inquired loudly and I winced, glaring over at her.
"She's not at school, you idiot." I growled, knowing that Pinkie would never take such an insult personally. I sighed again as she gave me this weird look, like I was the one who was the idiot.
"What's stopping you from going over to her house? It's not that far, Dash," Pinkie's big bulging eyes blinked blankly as she spoke, and maybe she was right. I sat up a bit as I thought about it, and it became more and more realistic to imagine just going over there. "She goes over to your house when you're not feeling well. I would know, whenever you're sick she gets this funny little worry wrinkle up here on her forehead," Pinkie pointed to the place on her own face, "And she barely talks all day until she goes and checks up on you! She can be really mopey when you're not around."
"Really?" I asked as I raised my eyebrow, a small smile finally coming across my face.
"I hope it ain't nothin' serious, that Dash has gotta start takin' better care of herself, tell you that much," Pinkie Pie imitated the southern twang of Applejack's voice, and it only drew the smile wider, "That's what she says!"
"Sure sounds like her." I agreed with a nod as I paused, just thinking about how much she always cared about me when no one else did. Everyone else thought I was just being me, and that was that, but Applejack was not fooled. She knew me better than anyone, and she was always right by my side when I needed her. Why was I never so good to her? I had been acting for such a long time like I wasn't obsessed with her that I forgot to even act like a friend. "You're right."
"I am?" Pinkie raised her voice in surprise, no one ever agreed with her, you see.
"Yeah," I sat up straighter and nodded surely, suddenly more impatient than ever for the last bell to ring, "I'll go to her house after school."
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie agreed readily, throwing her hands up into the air.
"I'll apologize for everything." I went on, nodding as I picked myself up from my concrete seat.
"Yeah!" Pinkie repeated as she followed me to my feet.
"I'll talk to her, let her yell at me or complain, whatever she needs. And I'll tell her exactly how I feel." I clenched up my fists with resolve, understanding that this was exactly what needed to be done.
"Well that sounds kind of boring, but give me the highlights afterwards!" Pinkie grinned with a shrug. I should have known that talking about serious stuff would not be too interesting for her. "Good luck, Dash!" She cheered again before twitching suddenly and looking down at her left hand. The bell rang seconds later, and I had to get back to class.
The final bell could not ring fast enough, and I raced out of the classroom right as it did. I barely had time to say goodbye to Fluttershy, who had been in my class in the last block. My motorcycle was on the road before most anyone else even got to their cars, and I sped recklessly towards home. I had to drop everything there and get changed, somehow my appearance suddenly mattered to me and this outfit did not seem like enough. I wanted to impress her, show her that I was not just casually stopping by to bother her. I had to dress the part.
But then, what exactly does "the part" look like? I barely had any idea how to dress for a normal day, that's what Rarity tells me anyway, so how was I supposed to dress to show up at Applejack's house for an apology? I tried on several outfits: ripped jeans and a tee shirt, too casual and lazy looking; a dress, well, looks like I'm on my way to a damn wedding; my underwear, too presumptuous; my baseball uniform, clearly a joke. It was obvious I had no idea how to go about doing this, so I ended up picking up my phone and calling Rarity.
"Oh darling, that's fabulous news!" She squealed into my ear and the phone nearly vibrated in my hand. I cringed a bit, annoyed at the volume. I sighed as she went on, "But whatever do you need my help for? I thought I made it quite clear that I was not the woman to talk to about, uh, these matters."
"Clothes." I said simply, in a low growl so she could tell just how upset I was about the subject.
"Clothing? For what?" Rarity asked, genuinely uncertain.
"For what would look best on Applejack's bedroom floor," I joked sarcastically, but she did not find it very amusing, "Come on Rarity, I'm going over to her house and I don't want to look like I don't care or something, but I don't want to come on too strong or whatever, you know?"
"Rainbow Dash, darling, you are way over-thinking this," She told me dully, adding a pitiful sigh before she continued, "Put on a pair of your nicest jeans and a clean shirt. Applejack won't care any more about what you wear than I used to think you did."
"That's it?" I asked as I bent down and picked up a pair of jeans that seemed to fit the bill, "That seems stupidly simple."
"Not stupid, casual. And do remember to brush your hair, that shaggy look certainly grows tiresome." Rarity assured me as I rolled my eyes, tossing the pants onto my bed and rummaging around for a nice top, "I suppose I should leave you to it, then."
"Wait, Rarity?" I heard my own voice come out somewhat nervous and pleading, and made a face at myself in the mirror to show how disappointed I was with myself. She mused some noise to show me she was still there, and I fumbled for the question, "What should I say?"
"Anything, darling, and everything." She told me, and I found myself nodding and accepting the advice, "But do let her do some of the talking, you might be surprised by what she has to say."
"Thanks Rare." I replied as I tried to sound aloof, even though I could see my own uncertainty in the mirror, "Later." I hung up the phone and placed it on my dresser, which was right under the mirror, watching my own eyes the whole while.
I rested my palms on the wood of my dresser, letting some of my weight push down on it. I found myself cracking a smile, feeling my heart racing against my chest the same way I remembered it beating when I was running back to her house through White Tail Woods, to that same old farm house I had burned up her oven mitt and wrestled her to the ground, or where I was wrestled to the ground. The same old farm house I had stayed over at when she had led me into the barn and up to the loft, where she had shown me this hatched window she built over a broken part of the roof that let in the evening stars. She never even showed her brother that place, he had sent her up there to fix the leaky roof one autumn and she had put together something of a skylight, so on warm summer evenings she could lay up there, with me at her side, and look into the vastness she knew so little about.
I bounced on my toes a bit as I anticipated it all, finally coming clean with her and ending these silly games. I knew the possibility of rejection was great, overwhelming in fact, but the potential beyond that was enough to push me off the dresser and send me driving to her house half-dressed. I didn't though, I put on my cleanest, best looking casual attire and completed the look with my black leather jacket, gloves and goggles, which I wore to protect myself when I drove my motorcycle.
The drive was long but nostalgic, down this winding old trail near the woods that had me kicking up dust for a mile behind me. Well, maybe not quite that far, but you get the idea. I drove under that same old Sweet Apple Acres sign that was mounted on a tall arch, though I could tell they had cleaned it up and stained the wood since the last time I had visited. I wondered just how long it had been, and found myself disliking the thought. I pulled up next to her work truck, which as usual was parked nonchalantly crooked in front of the old farm house, on the gravel driveway that laid out all the way in front of the house in case they needed the space. I even remember helping her unload that truck once when they had parked it horizontally against the house for hauling in firewood. I was a lot smaller then, so I was not nearly as much help as Applejack, who for being the same size as me was remarkably strong.
I stood up off of my bike as it teetered onto the kick stand, removing the helmet, goggles and gloves and placing them onto the seat. I usually brought my stuff in with me when I was at home, but out here there was no one who was going to come out and steal it, especially my helmet. Well, except maybe Applejack's little sister Applebloom, who might just put it on her head, let it fall over her eyes and walk around acting goofy. I approached the door and suddenly felt my nerves coming back to me. What if it was Applejack who answered the door? Would I know what to say right away? What if it was her grandmother, how could I even hope to explain this to her? Or what if it was Applebloom, who would begin shouting for her sister and ruin to mood? The one person I had yet to anticipate answering the door was—
"Eeyup?" Big Mac pulled the door open before I even knocked, and I gave him a sheepish grin and I tried to think up an excuse.
"Oh, heya Big Mac, how'd you know I was here?" I stalled for time as I peeked behind him to see if Applejack was hiding from me or sneaking out the back.
"That there motorbike o'yours roars mighty loud." He explained with a straight face, but did not move out of the way to let me in right away.
"I guess so," I chuckled a bit as I rubbed my fingers against my thumbs anxiously, "So, is Applejack around? She wasn't at school, so I just thought I'd stop by."
"That sure is kind of you," His low and sonorous drawl was familiar and somehow welcoming. He looked back over his shoulder and up the stairs, but responded anyway, "I reckon she's still in the tub. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you went up and waited in her room or somethin'. C'mon in, it'll be dark before y'know it."
"Thanks," I nodded as I hurried into the doorway, smelling the fresh and lulling scent of apple treats and home cooking. Damn, everything about this place was just so warm and inviting, I never wanted to leave.
"Haven't seen you 'round these parts much, Miss Dash," Big Mac continued as he closed the door behind me and took my jacket to hang up on the coat rack, which was also holding several jackets I knew to be Applejack's. "Sure is quiet though."
"Yeah, I can imagine," I removed my shoes and shuffled around nervously as I forced a laugh. Big Mac was not one for small talk either, so he excused himself to the kitchen once more and left me by the stairs in the foyer. "I'll, uh, just head on up there." I felt like I needed to explain as I approached the old creaky stairs, swallowing what little saliva could be found in my dry mouth.
It was very quiet upstairs, and all the doors were pulled shut. I crept across the floor, though it was warm on my toes as there was a rug that stretched along the hallway. I looked once more down the stairs to see if I was being followed, but found it still empty. I moved slowly towards the bathroom, since I still remembered which room it was. Being back in this house, well, it was like I never left. I came upon the door and took in a breath, raising my hand and balling it up.
Knock, knock.
"I'll be out in'a bit, Mac, I swear." It was Applejack's voice, so soft and nice to my ears. I almost wanted to stop there, she sounded so peaceful and sweet that it seemed almost mean to go in there and ruin her relaxation. But this could not wait any longer.
"It's me." I told her, and waited for a response for a good few seconds. I wondered for a moment if she recognized my voice or not, and opened my mouth to speak again.
"I didn't hear you drive up." She stopped me as she replied suddenly and I heard her shuffle in the water a bit. Her voice got somewhat harsher, "Go on home, I ain't in the mood right now."
"No." Was all I said, and I leaned my forehead against the door lovingly, just to hear her voice that little bit better. I put my hand up to the door and felt the old, worn wood, before letting it trail down to the door knob.
"Rainbow, go away. I ain't lettin' you in." Her voice breached the door again, defiant as ever. I smiled at the remark, as I hardly needed her permission. I played a bit with the door knob as I resolved myself on whether or not I should enter.
"I've been your best friend for years, A.J.," I spoke against the door, bracing myself against it as I took a firmer hold of the knob, "I happen to know there's no lock on your bathroom door." She didn't say anything, but I heard her moving around in the bath a bit. I breathed in and let my will be known, "I'm coming in, Applejack."
"I know." She murmured as I turned the doorknob. I guess my intentions really weren't very difficult to decipher.
Steam breached the door frame and caught on the light from the bathroom, pulling it out in this beautiful erotic dance. I slipped into the enveloping warmth of the bathroom and leaned the door closed behind me, my eyes finding their way to her form. Her hair was down and damp, falling around her naked shoulders and into the visibly hot water. She didn't look at me right away, so I took the chance to observe her. Most of her body was covered in bubbles that floated across the surface of the bath water, except for her arms, which were resting on the sides of the tub almost so high out of the water to permit view of her chest. The heat and the knowledge that below mere spheres of soap she was completely nude, those things were enough to drive my internal temperature to boil and my heart rate to increase substantially. I guess it really didn't matter what I wore, I was overdressed.
"Why're you here?" Applejack asked coolly, her voice merely drifting over the sea that obscured her.
"To talk." I replied with a shrug, letting my hands fall into my pockets and my gaze shift elsewhere: to the folded set of clothes she had placed nearby for when she was finished, to be specific. Since she didn't reply right away, I glanced up at her face again, and still she was just staring at the bubbles, "I didn't really peg you for a bubble bath kind of girl."
"I normally ain't," She agreed, forcing a smile with one side of her mouth, which fell apart seconds later. "G'head, talk to me." Applejack told me as she leaned her head back and rolled it to the side, looking at me with tired and calm eyes.
"I kind of came to, like," I fidgeted a bit, feeling quite awkward in my skin suddenly. She didn't press me for it or anything, she just waited patiently as ever, "To apologize." She looked surprised by that, so I drew in another steamy breath and went on, "It wasn't very cool of me to do all that stuff to you, like, the touching or whatever. I mean, I know that we do that kind of thing anyway, but I made it, I don't know, a different kind of touching. You know?"
"Yeah, I know." Applejack agreed kindly, nodding her head slowly and watching my poorly put together spectacle.
"And maybe I haven't been all that clear about stuff," I added in a quieter tone, avoiding her eyes and chewing on the inside of my cheek the way she herself did. "Like, why I did it. I don't want you to think that I did it because I was just horny and— okay, bad start." I noticed the somewhat confused and uncomfortable look on her face, and hurriedly tried to rectify the situation, "I never actually meant to do any of that stuff but, but, I couldn't help it!"
"You couldn't help it?" Applejack repeated with a raised eyebrow, and yeah, it even sounded flimsy to me.
"No, well, okay maybe I could have tried harder but," I bit at my lip and scratched my head, trying to remember where I was going with that. "I just need to tell you something, okay?" She nodded when I paused for some response, "You'll listen?"
"Shoot." She nodded again, raising her hand with an open palm and giving me a gesture that told me to go ahead.
"Okay," I moved a little closer to the tub, but stopped myself, thinking that getting too near might distract me, "So we've been best friends for a long time. But see it's not like my feelings suddenly changed or anything, I mean it's like they were always—" I paused, feeling rather vulnerable even though she was the one who was naked. "Applejack. The thing is, is that I just, well, I..." I groaned loudly and grabbed at my head in frustration, "Ugh, why is this so damn difficult?!"
"You never were much for words, Rainbow." Applejack reminded me with a smile as she watched me stop pacing, which I hadn't noticed myself start to do.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." I admitted with a sigh, sitting down onto the edge of the bath tub. Applejack didn't move or anything, she just kept watching me like she was waiting so me to finish.
I make the mistake of looking right into those amazingly gorgeous eyes, which gleamed beyond the suspended steam and reminded me of life: of growing apple trees, of rolling hills of grass and sweet, sweet vegetation, of evergreen Christmas trees and fresh leaves in spring. I turned more towards her, entirely captivated by her honey-tanned skin and her speckled, freckled cheeks, by her strong shoulders and gentle lips. I pulled myself to my feet and moved closer, feeling the steam move out of my way as I breathed a heavy and haunted breath.
Applejack blinked in surprise and blushed with either the heat of the water or the nearing vicinity as I stepped right into the burning hot water, ignoring the protests of my tender, pale skin beneath my pant-legs. The suds rose up to my shin as I raise my other leg over the side of the tub, climbing in and kneeling over her. She moved backwards a bit until her back was against the end of the tub and her eyes grew wider. I knelt further into the bath water, which was saturated with her scent and clear beneath the parting bubbles. One of my legs moved up beside her, and the other found its way between her own extended legs, pressing up perhaps a bit too high as I got close enough to lean in. I felt the bubbles on my shirt and the water soaking into my jeans as I strangled the distance.
She watched me silently as I braced myself against the side of the tub with one hand, touching her damp and cool cheek with my other. I tipped her head back and watched as her lips parted to mine, drawing in her hot exhale as I let our lips meet once more. Though the water had washed most of her taste away, there was still a hint of her sweetness that lingered as I moved my lips against hers to take it. Her lips moved against mine hesitantly and anxiously, and that made me press even deeper against her until I felt the bubbles against my chest. I slowly pulled away, though not far, and opened my eyes to show her quite how serious I was. She was quiet for a moment, as if I had taken any reasonable words right out of her mouth.
An admiring smile came across her face and surprised me, her eyes softening as she looked at me sitting there in the bath with her, fully clothed like some lunatic. Somehow she seemed almost grateful or profound, and she reached up to fold her fingers over mine as my hand rested on her cheek. Her voice was gentle and pleasant, albeit somewhat raspy as she huffed a small laugh.
"You're crazy as a hog in heat, Rainbow." Applejack told me as she shook her head, finding my actions cute or charming in some way, "Look at cha, you're soakin' wet and covered in suds!" We both laughed lightly as we both looked down at me, truly an odd sight. "Go dry off, you can throw on some of my duds while you wait for me to get out. G'head and wait in my room, we can talk. I promise."
And I had no reason not to believe her. She sounded so very sincere and her eyes cradled mine delicately, though she released my hand to let me gather myself. I slowly stood up, finding the chuckling hard to hide, but not quite as hard to hide as her body beneath the disappearing bubbles. I tried to avert my gaze as she rearranged the bubbles, though they seemed rather keen on sticking to my clothes and revealing her to me. I smiled when I looked up at her embarrassed expression, and nearly bent back down to kiss it away.
I shook each leg out as I climbed out of the bath, leaving this dripping trail along behind me. There was loud pitter-patter of falling water across the wooden floor, and I hurriedly opened the door to get over to the rug. I froze as I pulled the door all the way open and noticed the young girl standing right in front of me, clad in her hand-me-down overalls. She looked at me up and down and scrunched up her face a bit.
"Howdy, Rainbow, why're y'all wet?" Applebloom asked as she tilted her head in wonder.
"Your sister splashed me," I blurted out with an accusing finger pointing at Applejack, who grunted a bit but otherwise did not respond. Applebloom still looked somewhat concerned, lingering on just how completely soaked I was. I sealed the excuse with two words, "A lot."
"She don't take too kindly to people int'ruptin' her bath," Applebloom told me with a definite nod, "Sure we can toss you're clothes in the dryer though."
"Thanks, kid," I smirked as I ruffled her hair up a bit, knocking her cute little pink bow off centre. She frowned at me and puffed out her bottom lip while she adjusted it, and I chuckled a bit.
"Big Mac told me that one'a your friends was over," Applebloom said as I moved towards Applejack's bedroom door, "He told me to ask if you were stayin' for dinner? He made extras just in case."
"Yeah, I think I'll hang around for a bit." I replied as I creaked the door open and slid inside, waving to Applejack from half a hallway away.
"Thanks for closin' the bathroom door, Rainbow!" Applejack sarcastically called after me and I mouthed an oops. Applebloom would surely take care of that for me, while I tried desperately to keep control of myself as I stood alone in a room that smelled just like my Applejack.
I didn't want to get the hardwood floors in here all warped, so I removed my clothes right there behind her door. The jeans were tight enough already, it was like warfare trying to negotiate them off of me. Finally, I pried them off my rapidly cooling body and left them in a heap at the door, where I threw my shirt as well. It seemed kind of funny now, that I had spent so long deciding what to wear. I quietly stepped across her room in my underwear, something I never imagined would be quite like this. I ran my hand along her bed as I passed it, feeling the covers that she slept with over her body on the tips of my fingers. I spun around as I felt the rug that she laid under her bed on my bare feet, facing her closet and cocking my head at it.
Now, if I had been totally perverted or creepy, I might have rifled through her dresser to find, well, personal belongings. But I had some control over myself, so instead I pulled open her closet door and pushed each individual hanger across the wooden bar that held up her clothing. She sure kept it all neat, my clothes were usually just shoved into a pile anywhere I could find room. I found something particularly interesting at the back of her closet, and fondled around the chest area. It was too big for me, I could already tell, but the ensemble seemed loose and quirky, so I pulled it out of the closet. I paused and swivelled back a bit, nabbing a short sleeved shirt from another hangar and roughly pulling it over the metal frame, which shook about and nearly fell off the bar with my force.
I pulled the shirt over my head and adjusted it against my body, looking at the fitting dark blue colour. I approached the garment I was so interested in, as I had laid it on her bed. I pulled the straps off of the hangar and held it up before me, imaging it on Applejack's body. She would certainly fill it out better than I would, but I stepped into it regardless.
Applejack's wooden framed mirror was tilted off balance, so I tilted my head to get an accurate view of my reflection. I looked kind of cute, if I had to say so, with the way the outfit was so loose and bunched up at my feet. I noticed what was hanging on a corner of the mirror that had put it off balance, and picked it up. It was Applejack's hat, rough around the brim and worn well inside. I glanced back up at the mirror and locked eyes with myself, slowly bringing the hat up over my eyes and onto my head. I ran my index finger and thumb over the brim the way Applejack did and knocked it kind of crooked, smirking at how goofy I looked with my rainbow-coloured hair peeking out from under the Stetson.
"What in the hay are you wearin'?" I jumped as Applejack's voice breached the room, and I just now realized I could see her in the mirror, in her plaid button-up shirt with her hands on her tipped hips, smiling playfully at me. I watched as she approached me in the reflection, coming up right beside me and looking me up and down carefully.
"I wondered who could be cool enough to pull off overalls." I tried to sound twice as confident as I really was, and it still came out shaky with her gaze fondling me so seemingly suggestively, "Apparently, me."
"Yeah, I'll say." Applejack grinned and reached up, flicking the rear brim of the hat and knocking it over my eyes. I pushed it back up as she chuckled lightly before she grabbed the towel she had draped over her shoulders and began ruffling her hair. "C'mere, Rainbow." She told me as she turned around and I eyed her athletic body. I was watching intently as her arms reached up and tousled her hair more with the towel.
"Huh?" I grunted in wonder, finding myself following her once I hung her hat back up where it belonged.
"Sit down," Applejack laughed at my resistance, sitting down on the edge of her bed and tapping the space next to her.
"On your bed?" I asked as I stared at the spot, possibilities filling my head.
"Where else? You've sat on my bed a thousand times, don't tell me you're gettin' shy on me now." Applejack furrowed her brows and made a face, moving another foot over to provide me with any room I might need.
"Right, right, you're right," I repeated obviously, hurrying over and jumping onto the old, firm mattress. I played with the sheets a bit as I tried for the words to get back into serious conversation, but she did not seem like she was in any rush. "Sorry, it's just, ever since we—" I felt the room grow warmer as she squeezed her hair with the towel, "Nevermind. Listen, I need to know," I moved closer to her, shifting my weight on the bed as I drew nearer, commanding her attention, "Do I make you uncomfortable?"
"Not usually," Applejack responded simply as she let the towel fall around her shoulders once again, hearing the seriousness in my tone, "I just don't rightly know what you're thinkin' sometimes. I used to think that our friendship was just playful and physical by nature, but now," She sucked on the words like hard candy, shifting them around her mouth, "Now I dunno."
"That's my fault," I admitted as I touched my head, running my fingers over the ends of my hair, "I liked our friendship the way it was, it was stupid to want anything more."
"I dunno about stupid," Applejack murmured as she leaned back onto her hands, kicking her feet out a bit over the bed, "Rash? Yeah maybe. You rarely think about consequences, do you sugar? But then again, that's one thing I kinda admire about you. I sure ain't much like that."
"I'm trying really hard to find the compliment there." I snorted as she broke into a laugh, and I loved the way it sounded, all cute and bashful.
"Sorry, I guess I ain't too good at this whole feelings thing neither." Applejack admitted as she chewed at her cheek again, "I'm especially outta my element with romantic stuff."
"Preaching to the choir." I nodded, letting the silence stuff up the room as I tried to get back on topic. I sighed out loud and bowed my head a bit, "All right, I probably owe you an explanation. I've been keeping it to myself for a long time now, afraid that something exactly like this would happen. But as you can probably tell, I'm not so great at holding back my urges. The truth is, Applejack, that I—"
"Supper!" I fell right off the bed when Applebloom's shrill little voice bounced up the stairs and shattered our cocoon of honesty.
"Oh, come on!" I groaned audibly as I rolled over onto my back pressing my palms against my eyes. Applejack laughed a bit and leaned over me, grabbing my hands and helping me to my feet once more.
"C'mon sugar cube, there'll still be time for talkin' after we eat." Applejack reminded me as she brushed me off and led me through her bedroom door and down the stairs. She had grabbed my heap of wet clothing and handed it off to her little sister to throw in the dryer on the way. The further down the steps we drew, however, the more I realized how very uncertain I was. I mean, Applejack and I would have to deal with an Apple family dinner, with all this hanging above our heads. God surely was not very merciful to me lately.