[The episode starts with Lincoln eating cereal on the couch. Sam comes in with a bowl of cereal and a bottle of root beer.]
Sam: Morning, Linc. [pours his root beer into his cereal bowl]
Lincoln: What are you doing?
Sam: Having some cereal. [eats some of his cereal]
Lincoln: Uh, Sam? Nobody pours root beer over their cereal.
Sam: And nobody puts saurekraut in their peanut butter sandwiches either.
Lincoln: Touche.
[Lincoln and Sam watch a commercial for a new cereal.]
Announcer: Bored of the same old breakfast?
Lincoln and Sam: [looks down at their cereal] Yes...
Announcer: Then try Zombie Bran! The cereal that turns you into the walking fed!
[A box of Zombie Bran appears on-screen and the kids in the commercial have turned into zombies from eating it]
Zombie Girl: [zombie voice] Braaaaan!
Zombie Boy: [zombie voice] Braaaaan! BRAAAAAN!
Lincoln: [filled with desire] Must...have...Zombie Bran! [runs to the kitchen] Mom! MOM!
[Sam goes off with Lincoln to the kitchen.]
[Cut to the kitchen, where Rita is using a plunger to unclog the sink.]
Rita: What on Earth is down here?
Lincoln: Mom! Mom! Can we please get Zombie Bran cereal? [cutely pleading] Please please please please please please?
Rita: Sorry, sweetie. We've got a very tight budget. And by the time I get everything on my grocery list, there's no money leftover for treats.
[The grocery list is shown to be very long]
Lincoln: Hmm... [gets an idea] What if me and Sam could get everything on here and still have enough money leftover for Zombie Bran?
Rita: You two wanna do the shopping for me? I don't know, boys. It's a big responsibility; I'm not sure you can handle it.
Lincoln: We can, Mom! We promise! And think of what you could do with all that time to yourself.
[Rita suddenly imagines herself at a spa where she has gotten a facial with cucumber slices covering her eyes, getting a massage and a manicure and enjoying a smoothie]
Rita: Mmm...ah, yes...
[She belches upon sipping her smoothie and sighs with relief; end fantasy]
Rita: Deal. But just this once, okay?
Lincoln and Sam: OOOOOOOOHHH! [leaves]
[Rita finds the source of the clog in the sink, which is Luan's multiple handkerchief prop]
Rita: Oh, so that's it! [pulls out all the handkerchiefs] LUAN, NO MORE COMEDY PROPS IN THE SINK!
[Cut to Lincoim with a clipboard.]
Lincoln: Reusable bags?
Sam: [holding said items with his arms] Check.
Lincoln: Calculator?
Sam: [holding calculator] Check.
Lincoln: More resuable bags?
Sam: [pulls in more reusable bags] Check.
Lincoln: [checks over the list of shopping supplies again] Alright, that's everything. Let's go.
[They were about to go, until Lori goes to them.]
Lori: Guys! I'm going shopping with you! Bobby literally just got a job as a stock boy.
[The rest of Lincoln's sisters join in and wanna come along.]
Sam: Nope-Nope-Na-Nope-Nope-Nope-A-Nope-Nope!
Sisters: Why not?!
Lincoln: We're men on a mission and you'll all just end up goofing off.
Lynn: No we won't. Uh...we'll help you shop.
[The others agree with Lynn.]
Sam: Pfft! No, you won't.
Sisters: Yes, we will.
Sam: No, you won't.
Sisters: Yes, we will!
Sam: Guys, look. We ALL know when we get to the store, you'll all immediately slack off and go off Heaven-knows-where in there. So, there's nothing you can say OR do that'll make us change our minds.
Lisa: Very well, then. If you refuse to let us go with you, I'll have to use my superior linguistic skills to convince you to take us.
Sam: Go ahead and try it. It won't change our minds.
[Cut to the Loud sisters going on their way over to Vanzilla.]
Lincoln: See you at the van.
Sam: We'll get the bags and meet you over there.
Lincoln and Sam: Huh. We didn't see it that way before.
Sam: [realizes something] Wait a minute. How the heck did Lisa talk us into this?
Lincoln: I was wondering the same thing. Nevertheless, we're not gonna let this stop us from getting our Zombie Bran. Come on, Sam. [heads to Vanzilla]
Sam: Be right with you. [takes the reusable bags and calculator to Vanzilla]
[Cut to the Louds, and Sam, arriving at Super Mart.]
Rita: Alright, Lincoln. Here's the list, and here's exactly $200. [gives him the list and money; excited] I'll be back in an hour! I'm off to get my first pedicure in 17 years! [drives off]
Sam: Alright, you do that!
[The gang enters the store, and there's a sign promoting Zombie Bran.]
Lincoln and Sam: You will be ours. [turn to the sisters] Ready, guys?
[As the gang are about to go in, the manager stops them.]
Manager: Whoa, whoa! What do you hooligans think you're doing?
Lincoln: We're shopping for our mom, sir.
Sam: And I was wondering. Do you do this every time someone new enters the store?
Lori: [notices Bobby and gasps] Bobby Boo-Boo Bear!
[Bobby is stocking paper towel rolls.]
Bobby: Babe!
[They hug]
Lori: I love a man in uniform!
Bobby: It's okay, boss. I know them.
Manager: [hostilely] Very reassuring, Boo-Boo Bear. [checks their list] eggs, milk...okay, okay. Looks legit. [threateningly] But any monkey business, and you're all out on your keisters! [leaves]
Sam: I wonder what his problem is.
Lincoln: Alright, guys, you heard him! You all have to be on your best behavior! Now, if we each take a section of Mom's list-
[The girls run over the two and go off into different sections of the store.]
Sam: [calls out to the girls] This is exactly why we didn't want you guys to come!
Lincoln: Alright, you go do the shopping while I make sure the girls don't get us kicked out. [gives Sam the list, money, shopping supplies, and a shopping cart] Here's the list, $200, the bags, and the calculator. Just try to save $4 for the Zombie Bran, by any means necessary. [runs off to deal with the sisters]
Sam: Wha?! Aw, here it goes! [runs off with the shopping cart]
[Cut to Sam in the first aisle. The shopping list reads for eggs that are not cracked, milk that's not spoiled, instant noodles, onions and potatoes.]
Sam: Alright, I've got $200. Just need a way to save $4. [finds a dented can of tomato sauce] Ooh! 10 cents off the dented one! A couple more savings like this and there'll be enough for the Zombie Bran!
[Cut to Lincoln in the fruit section.]
Lincoln: Where could they be?
[Cut to Lynn speeding on a shopping cart.]
Lynn: YIPPEE-KI-YEE, MARKET SHOPPERS! YAYAYAYAYAYA-WOO! [runs into and picks up Lincoln]
Lincoln: Lynn! [notices the manager polishing a chicken rotisserie and gasps] Eject! EJECT!
[The cart goes wheeling by and the manager goes after it; Lynn has landed in the marshmallow bin.]
Lynn: Ah, nice! Ha ha! Soft landing.
[Lincoln has landed in the pineapple box]
Lincoln: Ugh. Maybe for you.
[A kid who looks eerily identical to Lincoln with bleach blonde hair, an orange shirt, blue jeans and a white beanie notices him and laughs at his painful landing. Lincoln hops out of the pineapple and finds out he still has a pineapple on the seat of his pants and pulls it out, leaving some painful aftershocks.]
Lincoln: YEOWCH! [tosses pineapple away]
[Cut to Sam in the dairy section, looking for the next item.]
Sam: Now, what's next? Milk! [looks around] Milk, milk, milk... [sees the milk] Aha! There it is!
[Sam is about to reach for the milk, until he sees Luan on top of the fridges, juggling some eggs.]
Luan: Step right up, folks, to see some eggs-cellent juggling! [laughs] Get it? [drops the eggs on Sam's head] Whoops! Oh, looks like the yolk's on you! [laughs again]
Sam: One, those were horrible egg puns, and two, can you throw me a carton down?
Luan: You got it, yolk! [laughs again; throws an egg carton down to Sam]
[Lincoln notices Luan on top of the milk fridges. Now, Luan is balancing eggs on her head.]
Luan: Whoa! How's this for a balanced breakfast? [laughs some more]
Lincoln: Luan! Cut it out! [notices the manager checking inventory]
[Lincoln grabs her and the manager slips on the egg yolks and lands on the pineapple Lincoln disposed of.]
Manager: YEOWCH! WHO DID THIS?! [looks around] We've got a hooligan in our midst...
Sam: [looks around to confirm who the manager was talking to] Who, me? I'm not a hooligan. Just a law-abiding citizen doing grocery shopping for his friend's mother.
[Lincoln and Luan are hiding under Sam's shopping cart.]
Luan: Ah, he's no fun. I was on an egg roll. [laughs as Lincoln groans]
Sam: [to Lincoln and Luan] Alright, guys. So far, I got the tomato sauce, milk, and eggs.
Lincoln: Great! Keep up the good work, pal! [heads off]
[Cut to Sam getting more of the shopping done.]
Sam: Okay, that's another 50 cents saved for old lettuce.
[The intercom comes on.]
Manager: [on the intercom] Attention, shoppers! We have a 2 for 1 sale on waffles!
Sam: Aw, sweet! A sale! [heads over to the frozen food section and picks up two boxes of frozen waffles] 2 for 1![calculates] Another buck closer to Zombie Bran!
Clerk: AAAHH! THERE'S A CHILD IN THE FROZEN PEAS! AAAHH! [runs away]
Sam: [heads to the frozen peas] Now what kind of kid would decide that they were going to go in the- [finds that it's Lisa; deadpanned] Oh, my goodness. Lisa, is there any particular reason you're laying on top of the frozen peas?
Lisa: This is research for my cryogenic freezer. The future needs my brain.
Lincoln: [sees Lisa; sighs] I can't believe this.
[The manager is coming and Lincoln has gotten Lisa out right before he could check.]
Manager: D'oh! Where did that hooligan go?
Sam: No hooligans here. Just me again.
Manager: I got my eye on you. [leaves]
Sam: [whispers] The coast is clear!
[Lincoln and Lisa escape via the snowman display for the frozen foods, and Sam has moved on to the seafood aisle.]
Sam: Okay, talapia.
[Cut to Lincoln in the seafood aisle, and he notices Leni tying balloons to the lobsters and setting them free.]
Leni: Be free! The ocean's that way. Or is it that way?
Lincoln: Leni! What are you doing?
Leni: Can you believe people were going to eat these poor, helpless creatures? [lets another one go]
Lincoln: Leni! No!
[One of the lobsters pops its balloon with its claw and lands on Lincoln's back and snaps his leg.]
Lincoln: YEOWCH! OW OW OW OW! [hides Leni behind the lobster tank just as the manager arrives]
Manager: What the? Who did this? [notices Lincoln's hair and laughs viciously] I gotcha now. [one of the lobsters pinches his ankle] YEOWCH! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! [crashes off-screen]
Lincoln: [pushing Leni] Go go go go! What is wrong with you guys?
Leni: I was just-
Lincoln: Upupup! Don't even try to justify your actions. [points to the entrance] Now, go with the others to the bench by the entrance.
[Leni begrudgingly walks over to the bench where Lynn, Luan, and Lisa are.]
Luan: He got you too, huh?
[Leni nods.]
[Cut to Lincoln and Sam in the store.]
Lincoln: Now, there's another sister taken care of.
[The intercom comes on again.]
Sam: Woo-hoo! Another sale!
[However, it's really Luna on the intercom.]
Luna: [jamming on the intercom] For those about to shop, I salute you!
Lincoln: [exasperated] Dang it... [to Sam] I'll be right back.
[Lincoln catches Luna during her jam session and puts her in a cart, pushing her to the bench outside.]
Luna: GOODNIGHT, GROCERY STORE!
[The manager comes by and hangs up the intercom.]
Manager: [determined] I'll get you yet...
[Cut to Sam in the toiletry aisle.]
Sam: Let's see...value pack...family pack...ah, here we go! Village pack! [puts a giant pack of three ply toilet paper into the cart and checks it off the list] Check! Yes! That was the last item. And now for the moment of truth. [takes a deep breath and calculates the total] And the grand total is...$196, which leaves...4 bucks for Zombie Bran! YEAH-UH! [heads over to the cereal aisle and finds one box of Zombie Bran left; about to reach for it] Phew. Last box. I can't believe this moment has finally-
[That bratty kid who is Lincoln's Doppelganger snatches the box.]
Bratty Kid: Mine!
Sam: What the heck, dude?! I had that first!
Bratty Kid: And I have it now, Egghead! [runs off laughing with the box]
Sam: [confusingly] Egghead? [touches his hair to see there's still egg yolk in it; very determined] Oh, you're going down...
Lincoln: [walks by Sam] What happened?
Sam: I got all the stuff in the cart, [points to Bratty Kid] but that guy just stole the last Zombie Bran box from me! [gives Lincoln the cart full of items] Here! Take this to the register. I'll go after the cereal thief. [deadpanned] Oh, great! Luan's got me doing it! [gives chase]
[The manager notices him.]
Manager: Oh, you're going down... [gives chase as well]
[While Sam chases after Lincoln's doppelganger, the twins are squirting each other with produce hoses.]
Sam: Guys, get to the bench outside! You're gonna get us kicked out!
[The bratty doppelganger knocks over the watermelons, and Sam reaches for a fruit scale to dodge them and continues the chase. The manager gets bombarded by the melons. Leni has let all the grilled chickens out of the rotisserie]
Leni: Go, chickens! Be free!
Sam: I thought you were supposed to be on the bench with the others! [continues chase, but comes back] And FYI, those chickens are already dead! [continues chase]
[The bratty kid pours a ton of coffee beans out of the dispenser. Sam uses sausage links to swing right over the beans and lands next to a free sample table.]
Sample Lady: Sample, dear?
Sam: Oh, thanks. [takes the plate, chugs down all the free samples, and sets it back down before resuming]
[The manager tries swinging on the sausage links like Sam did only to slip and fall toward the sample table.]
Sample Lady: Oh dear!
[The manager crashes onto the table off-screen. Sam is running through the bakery where the bratty lookalike squeezes out liquid butter all over the floor to literally give Sam the slip. But, Sam grabs a shopping basket and uses it to slide right over the butter and notices Lucy mashing cakes together to look like a monster devouring the bride and groom at the top of a wedding cake.]
Sam: Please, stop!
Lucy: Sigh...
[Back at the frozen food section, Sam notices the snowman display wearing that kid's shoes.]
Sam: Game's over, cereal stealer! [tackles the display and finds nothing] What the?! [notices the lookalike escape out of the frozen peas] Hey!
[The boy gets away, but the lobsters on the balloons, the bag of peas, and the snowman's corn cob pipe give Sam an idea.]
Sam: Perhaps...
[He loads the pipe up with peas and shoots them at the balloons, dropping one of the lobsters on the doppelganger's back and snapping him in his butt. However, the doppelganger manages to make it to the cash register. Cut to the doppelganger's mom at one of the registers.]
Bratty Kid's Mom: [giving items to the cashier] Alright, so here's the fish sticks, frozen peas...
Bratty Kid: Don't forget my Zombie Bran.
Bratty Kid's Mom: [takes the Zombie Bran] Oh yeah, and this too.
Sam: [to Bratty Kid] Hold it right there, thief!
[Sam lunges towards them in slow-mo while the mom gives the Zombie Bran to the cashier and checks it out along with her other items in regular motion, completely oblivious to Sam. Bratty Kid and his mom leave the store with their items while Sam is still lunging towards them in slow-mo, only to face-plant on the floor.]
Lincoln: [heads over to Sam] So, were you able to get the Zombie Bran?
Sam: [faces Lincoln; sighs] You see... he got away with the cereal.
Lincoln: [depressed] I see...
Sam: Might as well check out the stuff on the list.
[Lincoln and Sam go over to the register and do just that, as well as showing the sisters to the door after doing so. On the ride home, Rita is happy with Lincoln and Sam.]
Rita: Looks like you two were able to handle the grocery shopping. Great job!
Lincoln: [still depressed] Thanks.
Rita: Is there something wrong, honey?
Lincoln: [sighs] I don't wanna talk about it.
Rita: Alright, then.
[Cut to Lincoln and Sam on the living room couch back at home with Lily eating her mushy baby food.]
Lincoln: I can't believe this. We were this close to getting Zombie Bran, but that chance was taken right out of our hands.
Sam: I feel you, bro. But, at least we got everything on the grocery list and didn't get kicked out.
Lincoln: True. Can you get the boring cereal we have from the kitchen?
Sam: Sure. [heads to the kitchen pantry and grabs the boring cereal, only to notice something else in the pantry]
Sam: Hey, Linc.
Lincoln: [deadpanned] You got the cereal?
Sam: [pulls out a Zombie Bran box from his back] Check this out! This was behind the boring cereal this whole time! Turns out we didn't have to go to the store to get some after all. How about that, huh?
[Lincoln's head turns red.]
Sam: [notices Lincoln's state] Buddy, you okay?
Lincoln: [angrily] So, what you're saying is that we got splattered in eggs, got a pineapple stuck to my butt, snapped by lobsters, and chased that thief through the store for NOTHING?!
Sam: Yeah. Basically, yeah. But, it's pretty ironic when you think about it.
[Sam starts to laugh while Lincoln has a blank expression.]
Sam: [calms down from the laughing] Whoo! Well, might as well start eating now. [pours him and Lincoln a bowl of Zombie Bran and tosses the boring cereal aside; gets some bottles of root beer and pours it into each bowl]
Lincoln: [eats the root beer-laden Zombie Bran] You know what, Sam? Root beer with cereal isn't that bad.
[Just then, a new Zombie Bran commercial starts playing.]
Announcer: Bored of the same old breakfast? Then try Zombie Bran! The cereal that turns you into the walking fed!
Zombie Boy: [zombie voice] Braaaaan! BRAAAAAN!
Announcer: Now in new Raisin the Dead flavor!
[A new box with the aforementioned flavor appears next to the original flavor box. Lincoln and Sam look at each other.]
Lincoln: Yeah, we're not going through that again.
Sam: Nobody likes raisins anyway.
[Lincoln turns the TV off and the two continue to eat their root beer-Zombie Bran.]
THE END