A/N: as always I want to hear what you think! The last two chapters haven't been fun but I have the next one partially written and I'm feeling better about that. I've had some awesome conversation and the stuff you bring up in your reviews definitely helps my process so if you've got questions or comments PLEASE SAY SO! I use them to try and make the story better.
Outfits/scene settings are on Polyvore
I own nothing you recognize.
I knock meekly on Eric's apartment door later that afternoon when I know he'll be home from class. I left the coffee shop and just walked. It was freezing and somewhere along the way it started to drizzle but I needed to clear my head. I stopped at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of bourbon I hadn't yet introduced Eric to and now here I am waiting nervously for him open the door.
I'm looking down at my feet when I hear the lock click and the door slides open. I look up to see Eric standing there in his black pants and white button up with his sleeves rolled to his elbows and his hair disheveled. "I'm sorry I didn't call first I was just walking."
He pulls me in by the front of my coat and his lips pull down at the corners. I lift the bottle I've brought and with a weak smile I say, "I brought you something."
"You walked all the way here in the rain?" He asks taking the bottle from me and putting it on the table by the door.
My eyes fall to the floor before I tell him, "I've been walking around for two hours. I needed to think."
Eric helps me out of my coat and only when the cold wet fabric is gone do I realize how uncomfortable the weather has made me. When he's beside me again he pushes my hair over my shoulder and I think how much of a waste of time it was to do my hair.
"Tris we have to talk about this morning." Eric's tone is distracted and almost upset. I feel my heart start to race as reality begins to hit me. I left when Eric asked me not to and now he's going to tell me he's no longer interested in being with me.
"Eric I'm sorry. I never should have told you what Peter said," I start but I have to stop when a strong shutter rips through my body and I realize I'm still soaking wet and freezing.
He pulls me into a tight hug and rests his chin on my head, "you're freezing. Go shower and get into dry clothes. Then we'll talk."
"I'd rather you just do it. I'm just going to have to walk home in the rain after
His face falls when his eyes meet mine and he asks, "why would you leave? It's Thursday, you sleep here on Thursday nights."
"You still want me to stay?" My body is shaking again and I can only blame some of that on the cold.
"Go shower and get warm." He says kissing my forehead and walking into the kitchen.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
I turn the corner into the kitchen where Eric is standing in front of the stove and I am welcomed by the incredible smell of fresh coffee. "Hey," I call out.
He turns from the stove with a spatula in hand and asks, "Feeling better?"
I nod and walk over to where he is. I see that he's made eggs and I am suddenly aware of how hungry I am.
"I'm sorry," I tell him as I slip my hands around him from behind and bury my face in his back. The tightness I've felt in my chest all day starts to ease when I breathe in and the familiar comforting scent of him mixes with the coffee in the air. His hands cover mine and I feel him take a deep breath and sigh. He squeezes my hands as he traces circles with his thumbs.
We stand like this in silence for a long time before I feel him pull my hands from his chest and he steps away. The loss of his warmth makes me shiver again before he turns around completely. The silence between us is tense and uncomfortable and I find myself wishing he would say anything, even if it's bad, just to break the silence.
He puts his hands around my waist and I slip mine to his shoulders. I expect him to kiss me but instead he lifts me off the ground and sets me down on the countertop next to the stove. "Tris," he starts stepping between my legs and holding my thighs, "why do you keep apologizing?"
"I never should have told you what Peter said, and I shouldn't have left while you were angry with me this morning."
Eric's head falls and he rubs his temples sighing, "First of all, I'm glad you told me what he said because it means you're not hiding things from me. I wish you had talked to me about it making you anxious though. Second I wasn't angry with you. I was irritated that you wouldn't talk to me, but not angry."
He puts his hands back on my legs and looks me in the eye, "I am angry at Peter, more so than I like to admit. I'm also frustrated that you don't see what everyone else seems to see."
"Eric, I shouldn't have left like that. I just don't like to fight."
Eric lets out a little laugh, "we're going to fight, it's ok to fight, but that was far from a fight." He puts his hand on my neck pushing his fingers behind my ears and keeps my eyes on his, "running away will only make things worse if we are fighting."
I nod and before I can say anything my stomach makes a horribly loud growling sound. It breaks the tension and we both begin to laugh. "Let me guess you haven't eaten all day?" When I confirm his suspicion he shakes his head and pulls out a fork. He doesn't bother putting anything on a plate just takes a forkful of egg and offers it to me with a raised eyebrow.
There is no way, in my opinion, to look sexy while eating but I try not too look too disgusting as I let him feed me the first bite. Whatever he's done is delicious and I pull the fork from his fingers and proceed to eat from the pan still sitting on the counter. He laughs out loud and the smile it brings to his face eases most of my fear, "have you tasted your own cooking? This is amazing!"
"You haven't eaten since dinner last night I could have given you whole wheat toast with Vegemite and you would think it was delicious."
I shake my head and offer him a forkful he rolls his eyes but takes the fork into his mouth. I watch his lips close around the cool metal and I'm suddenly craving them on my skin. I try to push the lustful thought from my mind as it's obvious we have more to talk about.
When I have eaten more than I should Eric walks back to me with two cups of coffee and hands me one as he steps back between my legs with his own. "I think I like sitting up here," I tell him before I take a sip of the warm comforting liquid.
"Why is that?" Eric asks putting his cup down and rubbing his hands up my legs.
I put my cup down and wrap my arms around his neck, "I like being able to do this without reaching up." I lean closer and kiss his lips gently.
He kisses me back briefly before he says, "hold that thought for just a little longer. I want to talk about Peter."
"Eric please. I just want to pretend it never happened," I groan.
He laughs a little as he lifts me down, "yeah that's not going to happen." I pout as he takes my hands and walks backwards leading me to the living room. He smiles as he says, "don't look at me like that, counseling psych major, talking is what I do." I drop to the couch and he disappears toward the kitchen returning with our forgotten mugs.
"So how was coffee with Peter?" Eric asks when he's settled in next to me on the couch.
I shrug and say, "disturbing."
"How so?"
"I brought up the picture and asked if he had more than friendly feelings then," I explain.
Eric's expression is a mask of calculated calm.
"He turned it around and suggested I had feelings for him. When I assured him that is not the case he turned everything on you saying you were jealous of our friendship and you were trying to come between him and I."
"Do you think that?" He asks.
"That's why I walked for so long," I say, "at first it was all just too much; you accusing him, him accusing you."
Eric nods, "I can see where that could get overwhelming."
I finish my coffee and put down the cup as I slide closer to him, "the more I thought about what everyone has always said about Peter and how he was with Tobias, how he's been since he found out about you, the way he reacted when I asked, it all started to sink in and I see it now. It doesn't change the fact that what he said about us makes sense."
"I know it makes you uncomfortable and I'm sorry, but it's been bothering me all day, what exactly did he say?" Eric asks placing our palms together and wrapping his fingers over mine his eyes following the movement of his hand.
I bury my face in my shoulder because just thinking about it makes me uneasy. "I still have it on my phone. Do you want to just read it?"
"Tris I'm not trying to police your friendship, It's just that you seemed to believe whatever he said was possible, I can't assure you of anything if I don't know what the concern is." He doesn't release my hand right away instead he traces circles with his thumb on my palm, "you don't have to show me."
"I'm just not comfortable saying some of it out loud," I explain getting up and coming back with my phone. I find the conversation and Eric pulls me into his lap so that he can read over my shoulder. There's pointless small talk about classes at the beginning and I say that as I flip through. Eric's chin rests on my shoulder and his arm winds around my waist.
P-So how's The boyfriend?
T-Good. We're going to dinner tonight.
P-You seem totally cool with him touching you. Pretty sure that was a hickey I saw when you put your hair up at dinner yesterday.
T-I wasn't always ok with it. He's been really patient.
P-So it was a hickey
T-Shut up :p
P-So that's how you're keeping him around?
T-What do you mean?
P- Come on Bea! Dr. Banner is WAY out of your league
"Dr. Banner, really?" Eric asks shaking his head.
T-Don't call him that, and I don't know why he's with me but for now he is and I'm enjoying it.
P-Come on the guy is massive, he's gotta turn green when he's mad
T-Enough Peter! I've never even seen him get mad he's always completely in control of himself
P-Right. So you're putting out now? Is that how you managed to keep him interested.
Eric's arm around my waist flinches tighter as he reads.
T-No! You know I can't do that.
P-You CAN do it, you CHOOSE not to. And you really need to get over that before you lose another boyfriend to someone who's actually got her shit together.
T-He wouldn't do that
P-Right. Because you really expected Tobias to leave? Tris there's dozens of girls prettier than you with huge tits who dress like adults that would be willing to satisfy someone like him. I'm just trying to help you out here. A little make up and some hair spray, maybe a trip through Christina's closet and maybe you'll buy yourself some time but you really need to get yourself over this no sex thing, and quick, if you intend to keep him around.
There's more that comes after but it's mostly nonsense and making plans for today.
Eric looks at the date and says, "you had a panic attack in bed that night." I nod. "You pushed because of this?" I had let things escalate that night well beyond what I was comfortable with, I had climbed on top of him naked trying to will myself to push forward. Eric had pulled me down and kissed me holding me to him by the small of my back and when he'd rolled his hips up into me and I felt his excitement through his boxers the panic set in. I started to shake uncontrollably and I spent the rest of the night in one of his t-shirts crying. When Eric's forehead falls to my back it brings me back to reality, he pulls my phone out of my hand tossing it aside. His arms wrap back around me and hold me tight to him. I can feel him taking slow deep breaths.
"Eric I'm sorry." I say trying to wiggle free so I can face him. He won't let me up he just keeps me on his lap with my back to him.
When he finally speaks it's low and measured he's obviously trying to stay in control. He lifts his head from my back and turns me so that I'm leaning against the arm of the sofa and I can look up at him, "I'm not even going to touch the Hulk reference since you tried to stop it, but if he calls me Dr. Banner in person he'll see what happens when I actually get mad. This whole conversation is not a conversation someone has with a friend. He did nothing but try to make you feel insecure and doubtful of us." My eyes drop to my lap and Eric lifts my face with a finger under my chin, "don't do that, the fact that this bothered you so much makes me think you don't trust me." His voice is almost hurt and his eyes watch my face for a sign of confirmation.
"It's just that," I start but I can't form a coherent thought, "he's right."
"Tris do you really believe that I would sleep with someone else?" Eric asks me.
I look up to the ceiling to fight the tears and say, "I wouldn't blame you if you did."
"Look at me." His voice is rough as stern and I take a slow deep breath and lower my eyes to his. "I am not that person. I would never sleep with someone else while we're together."
"While we're together." I repeat a little more biting than intended.
He looks at me a little affronted and says, "we're together now and I have no intention of that changing anytime soon, do you?"
"No."
Eric's hands find mine and he intertwined our fingers, "Tris, I know we started out weird but I assure you I am not in this for research or sex." He squeezes my hands and looks intently into my eyes, "I need to know something, am I just a means to an end of your fear, or is this about more than that?"
I want to be shocked by his question but the truth is a few weeks ago he was just my hot T.A. offering to help me with my fear and now I'm spending nights in his apartment, subjecting him to Mrs. Vargas, and he is suffering through my panic attacks. I know the answer to his question and I have known for a long time, " Eric it's been about more than that since I let you drink my Watershed."
He laughs a little and releases one of my hands so he can cup my cheek and pull me down to him. "You have no idea how happy I am you said that, " he whispers against my lips. He closes the distance between us with a strong but chaste kiss.
When he pulls back I pull my lip between my teeth and I can taste him on my lips. He is entirely intoxicating and I lean back in to kiss him again.
He keeps his hand on my cheek and puts his thumb over my lips, "as much as all I want to do right now is kiss you senseless I need five more minutes."
I purse my lips to kiss his intruding finger and nod.
"Peter is causing more problems than I am comfortable with," he says pulling me into him. "Like I said I do not want to police your friendship, but I will tell you that he makes me uneasy. You need to decide how to proceed with him, but I am going to ask that the next time something he says makes you unsure of us, of me, then I need you to talk to me before you internalize it."
I nod my agreement and drop my forehead to his.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I survive an exam in Abnormal Psych and I'm walking towards the dining hall because I've made plans to have lunch with Peter, which I'm sure will not go well because of what I need to say, when Eric texts me.
E- That dress is just evil.
T- Stalker much? Where are you?
E- in my office. I saw you leave class after your test tried to stop you but you we're go be by the time I got to the hall
T- Sorry
E- Then come back
T- I'm on way way to meet Peter for lunch
E- You're going to put pants on first right?
T- Haha
E- You'll tell me how it goes?
T- Of course.
E- When you're done come to my office and let me appreciate that outfit up close? Maybe see what it looks like on the floor?
He's been much more forward about telling me what he's thinking, or in this case wanting, he says it's how he would normally treat a girlfriend not a patient which is what I am. It was strange the first few times but it's starting to make me feel good to know he thinks about these things even when I'm not around.
T- When I'm done I'm going to turn in my Small Animal Anatomy paper and the go to my Pharmacology double lecture. I will see you at my apartment tonight?
E-Too long to wait I'm crashing your lunch date with the devil.
T-You'll do no such thing
E- Fine.
T- I'm going into the dining hall I'm putting my phone away
E- Tell Peter I love him
T- Don't be a dick
I laugh and slide my phone into my bag as I walk up to the table Peter's sitting at and he stands to greet me.
"Hey you. Going for that farm girl look? Not sure it's working for you Bea." He says kissing my cheek and playing with the sleeve of my dress.
"I'm sorry you don't like it. Eric loved it." That was a little passive aggressive.
"I'm sure he did. So how is my big green friend?" Peter asks as we walk up to the counter to get food.
I pick up a sandwich and a water and say, "look, I know you don't like Eric but you can't keep making Hulk jokes. He's my boyfriend and it's disrespectful."
Peter shakes is head and laughs, "you think I don't like him? You've got it all wrong. I like the guy, I just don't think he's going to stick around if you're gonna make him sit around dissatisfied for months like you did to Tobias, or bait and switch like you did to Al."
We sit down at a table and I'm glad to be off my feet because the mention of Al and Tobias makes my legs a little shaky. "I didn't do anything wrong to either of them," I defend.
"You puked on Al and then never spoke to him again. The kid was one of your closest friends and was totally in love with you. That's wrong." Peter sounds irritated.
"So this is what you and Al talk about at home? Me and my pathetic panic attacks?" I snap out at him.
"You don't think maybe you owed it to him to at least have a conversation?" Peter asks.
"I can't even see him without having anxiety attacks. How was I supposed to," Peter cuts me off before I can finish my thought.
"So you mean to tell me you've never had a panic attack with Eric?" The way Peter says his name irritates me. "The look on your face tells me you have. All I'm saying is you could have talked to the kid."
"I'll think about it." I say. He has a point and maybe talking to Al wouldn't be so bad he was my friend once.
"In other news I found this cleaning out an old box." He slides a picture across the table it's of he and I at prom. He went with a girl named Molly who he'd been dating for a few months. I went alone. We'd danced together a few times and apparently someone had taken a picture. Looking at it now I realize that this is the definitive answer to the question that's been causing so much turmoil. Peter had feelings I never had. In the picture his hands are on my waist and mine are on his shoulders, I'm laughing at my inability to dance and Peter's eyes are glued to me with a look I don't think I ever noticed because my eyes were closed.
"Peter, do you... I mean did you... I know I've asked but you never really answered me. Did you want more than friendship?" I stumble through as I slide the picture back to him.
He looks down at the picture and rolls his eyes, "do you always need to look too deeply into things?" He stands up and leans in to kiss my temple and for the first time his touch makes me flinch. "Great, that's great Bea, I'm not going to hurt you."
He doesn't say anything else or let me say anything else he's just gone. I'm left sitting alone with this uncomfortably sweet picture, and the realization that everyone was right about Peter and I may have lost my oldest friend.