Chapter 7

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I was clean. It had been seven days since I thought about Lucario. I didn't want to go back to Nirvana. I wanted to move on. I wanted to start a new chapter in my life and become a new person. No more thinking about sex with Pokémon. No more masturbating until my fingers hurt. No more urges, no more addiction, I'm just cutting myself off cold turkey. …And yet I was still drawn to Lucario. I wasn't sure why. Was it inertia? Maybe I just programmed myself that I liked him and that it was just what I naturally enjoyed seeing.

It didn't feel natural at all.

I wasn't always like this. I used to be afraid of sex. The thought of anyone naked, including myself, freaked me out. I averted my eyes whenever I saw a man without a shirt on. I tried not to look when there was a girl in a bikini around. Now, sex was all I ever thought about. I couldn't stop thinking about it, all the things that I wanted a blue aura dog to do with me. How his paws would gently caress me… How his nose would rub up against my neck… How his aura energy could scorch the flesh from my bones… It used to make me feel hot, but not anymore.

Why? Was it just inertia?

Click.

There was a picture of Lucario fucking Dawn. I wasn't sure why, but my eyes were drawn to Dawn. There was something about her, I wasn't sure what, but I couldn't stop staring at her. I wanted to avert my eyes to look at Lucario. That's why I'm here, right? I wanted to see Lucario and imagine him ripping my body apart. That was what I was into. That was what I told myself I was into.

I was his special little snowball because of my sexuality. I let the kind of porn that I masturbated to define my life. I think. Why would someone do that? What the fuck was wrong with me?

I looked at Dawn in the picture. She had this beautiful smile on her face, the kind of smile that didn't just come from the fact that she had an aura dog's penis in her vagina. I wasn't sure why, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I heard his voice calling out to me. "Cara? What's wrong? Don't you still love me?" "I do, Lucario. I'll always love you. I… I don't know what's going on. I feel like my head's all wrong." I said. Or maybe it was finally right? I don't know anymore.

I kneeled down in front of my computer. I think I started to cry. Lucario materialized in front of me. "What do you say I make you feel good? How does that sound?" He said. "Please, no. I…" I could barely talk through my sobs. He wrapped his warm, soft, furry arms around me. He was like a big stuffed animal, a plush toy that could murder me if I wanted him to. He'd do anything for me.

The ultimate enabler, the man that would do anything for you.

Was that really what I wanted out of a relationship? Lucario was like my imaginary servant. He'd love me, fuck me, and kill me and do anything as long as I desired it so. He had no will of his own, only the desire to see me happy. He enabled me. His weakness let me take advantage of him. That only made him happier, the fact that I used him.

What the fuck kind of person was I? Why the hell did I have to be such a horrible, sick person?

"Cara, you shouldn't think those thoughts. You are who you are. You're my special snowball, a unique person who…" "Shut up." I stood up in front of Lucario and shouted. "Don't give me any of that snowball crap. You know what I am? Do you know what I am?" I said. "You're a woman with very specific needs and I can…" "No. I am nothing. You know what? I'm sick of being nothing. I want to be something." "Cara, I…" "Go away, Lucario. I don't want to masturbate right now."

Lucario scowled. I thought he'd understand or at least sulk off to do something else, but instead, he gave me a look, the angriest look I'd ever seen on his face. Even though he was just a piece of my imagination, he still scared me.

"Okay Cara, you can dismiss me. Just know that I'll be back. You can never make me go away, though. I am a part of you, a piece of your identity. You can't deny who you really are, and your sexuality makes you…" "Shut up. Don't give me your lecture." I said. I was scared, but I didn't want to show it. Why? He'd get violent and kill me if I pissed him off. Wait, wasn't that what I wanted? Why was I afraid of death all of a sudden?

Lucario growled and disappeared. Like awakening from my dream, I returned to reality. I was doused in cold sweat. My cheeks were wet with tears. I was completely naked and had scratch marks all over my shoulder. I was clutching it in pain.

Oh lord. I felt like I had just awakened from a really bad dream.

Every time I went into fantasyland with Lucario, I was scratching into myself, really digging my nails in there. Like some kind of crack head or a common junkie, I had a habit of taking off all my clothes and hurting myself when I stuck my finger in my vagina. Was that what it took to get me off? Was it thinking about an aura dog ripping apart my body while hurting myself?

I had no respect for myself at all. What the fuck was wrong with me?

For some reason, my thoughts turned to Jessica. I remembered her. I didn't know why. Maybe it was because I used to be happy.

I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to write it all over every bathroom stall in the US, put up banners all around town, get sky writers to broadcast it to everyone in the world.

I was once happy.