Clarity comes at our darkest moments, when we are most lost. A gift and a curse: a shard of many things for Castiel to keep. To have and to hold. Forever and ever.

This is the final chapter.
I don't own Supernatural.
I hope you enjoyed reading.
Feedback is always appreciated.

But I loved him, Cas' mind mumbled back rather absently. Why?

"Human love is ephemeral. It lasts as long as it lasts and it corrupts, changes. I never wanted this for any of my children, but clarity comes at our darkest moments. I ask you to love my creations. Falling in love is exactly that: falling. I do not want you to fall Castiel, I will pick you back up and put you back together again, but you are my Son. It hurts me to see you hurt."

The light became too bright for Castiel to open his eyes. He closed them and felt warmth, his Father, healing and helping him, the damage that Dean had created slowly fading under the beautiful heat. He felt high, soaring, complete.

"I'm sorry." The words poured from the Angel's mouth without him even realising. He felt tears slide down his face, but they were golden, shining and glittering, from gratitude, not fear. Lucifer, he realised in horror. Lucifer had been there to show him the consequences of his disobedience; the greatest betrayer was the perfect ally in his curse.

"Clarity is the greatest gift; but it can also be the greatest curse. This was not your punishment Son."

"Then what? Why?"

The voice vanished. Castiel felt his grace return to him, a force that knocked all of the wind out of him in one fell swoop. He closed his eyes and let the grace overtake him.

Funny how falling can feel so much like flying at the same time.

There was a loud crash as Sam took out one of the demons with the knife. Castiel whirled around, the musty light of the warehouse replacing his Father's light. He didn't understand what was going on, he took in the chaos going on in front of his eyes and exorcised the demon that attacked him from the shadows with Angelic ease. He felt his grace crackling over him like a powerful static, trickling into the atmosphere and realised he was once again, part of the club that he felt most at home in.

He raised his head and saw Dean, those demonic fingers round his neck, choking the life from him, Sam to his right, struggling on the floor with the knife and he froze, watching Dean's feet kicking in the air, his voice strangled, his eyes rolling in their sockets.

"C-C-Cas!" He spluttered, his voice genuine, the slits of his eyes not giving away much but Cas knew from studying them for so long that they were his. No Hell fire, no sadism, nothing hidden in that deep green but the man that Dean really was. He couldn't move.

For a split second that seemed much longer than it should, Cas could feel the knife in his skin, the shattering pain that destroyed his wings, the screams tearing themselves from his throat as Dean fucked him without mercy, every inch of him quivering, lost in himself as Dean was losing too much air, his head spinning. He could feel every mark, every bruise as if it had happened; as if it was happening right now. His voice, his pleas, the uncontrollable waves of pleasure and pain that rushed over him. Not being able to hold back his whimpers, his moans, his cries. The blood, the sweat and the intense feeling of being whole and used as he spiralled into an orgasm that was practically torn from his body. It was there, it felt real. Castiel's wings were shuddering in their invisible form, trembling as they remembered the painful touch of Dean's blade, the pikes that held him down, Dean's touch in his most intimate areas: his vessel, his cock, his wings, his fingers tugging at feathers, pulling on bone. Fear brewed in his eyes only to be washed away by reality.

Castiel slammed his hand on the demon's head, listening to the scream as she collapsed in fiery light. He didn't mean to, but as Dean looked up from his fresh spot on the floor, they locked eyes, memories of pain and betrayal washing over Cas as he stood, unmoving, mouth dry and stomach cramping.

"What the hell Cas? Could've saved my ass earlier, you know?" He picked himself up and dusted off his jacket with one hand, leaning down to help Sam to his feet, who was sporting a rather large gash across one shoulder. He turned back to the Angel and started when he saw his face.

"Cas, what's wrong?" His eyes, his voice. His Dean was back. Castiel swallowed hard, his face giving away much more than he let on. He couldn't speak, his tongue felt heavy and useless in his mouth and he stayed, fixed by Dean's gaze. His grace buzzed over him and he felt somewhat comforted by the familiar feeling it gave him.

"Cas?" He felt Dean's hand on his shoulder, and he pulled away faster than he could think. Dean looked hurt for a minute before he stared, hard. He knew something wasn't right, something was different. His Angel was pulling away as though he was disgusted. As though Dean had done something that could never be forgiven, but Dean couldn't do that. They'd been through too much. They were too close. Though he never wanted to admit it aloud, he actually cared a lot for his nerdy Angel friend. He cared, and was thankful for all Castiel had done for him. Something had happened. Something was wrong. Dean didn't like it.

Cas stared back, his shoulder a burning reminder of how dangerous a single touch could be. It could make you who you are, or break everything you'd become. It could hurt for a thousand years, or simple seconds and the difference didn't matter. It could light up your world and make you never want anything else ever again, or it could eat into you like acid and corrode you from the inside out. It was a dangerous scale and that seemingly simple touch could spend you spiralling from one side to the next, afraid to stop, or stay, or move on.

This was how dangerous Dean's touch was and Castiel realised that Dean didn't even know it. He knew nothing. All the things he had done, things he had dreamed, all he had taken, he knew nothing of it. Nothing at all. He was safe, in his life, in his mind. Now whenever Cas went to escape from himself, he was confronted with those memories; however false, they still shook him from the inside out. The sheer cruelty, the agony, the loss of his innocence and the stain upon his grace. He was damaged. No longer created to perfection, but created to know. To remember and to obey.

"Cas?" His name. He name, in that voice. No, it wasn't the same as it had been, but it was still his name. Dean's pet name for him. The one he had come to love and actually associated with Dean himself. Now he couldn't hear it in the same way. It was in his ears, rushing over his heart, flooding his mind reminding him of a time when Dean had used his own name against him.

Castiel, Angel of Thursday's, Servant of the Lord, his Protector, knew from that moment that this was his punishment. To know all of Dean, his Hell and his world, to remember his pain and despair with perfect clarity and yet to live everyday like nothing had happened. Dean knew nothing and he knew everything. The memories of Dean that he had once held so dear, once treasured and kept safe were stained, ruined. Marred by pain and humiliation and the death of what was once something held so dear. In Dean's eyes, he could appreciate the beautiful green that was his Dean before a second later it was clouded over by memories

He had loved Dean like no other and the most horrible part of this punishment was that, he still did. He always would. Now his feelings were locked under tongue and key, kept to himself where they would burn with those memories, alone and afraid and Dean could never know. It would eat him alive and forever scar his grace.

How many more scars could Dean give him without realising? His wings were tarred, clawed from fighting his way into Hell for his charge and now his grace was dipped in something evil, purity washed away. He didn't turn away though. His held that gaze that had broken him and lied, something that he despised, but he had no other choice.

"I'm fine. I'm... sorry."

Dean reached out for him again, noticing again how Castiel pulled away, almost shrinking under that coat.

"This was, a bad idea. I will return when I am needed. You don't need me for any of this." His voice was cold, the care he once had pulled back into the furthest reaches of his mind where it no longer manifest into hope and destroy him.

"Cas, seriously..."

The Angel turned and looked at the Hunter with everything that he had left and swallowed the noise that threatened to burst from his mouth. He wanted Dean to know, to see how much he had been torn apart. He wanted to scream it in his face, to show him what he had done, but of course, Dean wasn't the one that had done this. This was Castiel's doing; his punishment, his burden. But now, looking in those eyes, Cas knew. He loved him. He loved him and it wouldn't go away. It struck his grace and it burned with all of the anger Castiel could still feel inside him. This love would kill him. This love would eat him alive and Dean would never know. Love, Cas decided, was his downfall. Love had brought about Father's punishment and he deserved nothing less, he knew that, but he couldn't stop loving Dean.

He didn't know how to do anything else.

His voice shook. "I'm fine. I'll be in touch."

And Cas left, his wings burning with phantom pain and returned to his heaven where he found that he could no longer cry. He wanted to; he could feel it, building up inside him but it had no climax, no release. He didn't know Dean stood after him, staring at the spot where he once stood, wishing for him to come back; for him to just be okay. He didn't see the hurt in Dean's eyes because he was cloaked in a veil of his own inner strife. He found himself full of anger when Balthazar appeared, looking at him with pity, which pissed Cas off even more.

"I'm sorry Castiel."

The Angel did nothing more than stride up to him and grab him by the front of his shirt, rage flooding through him, anger unstoppable. He yanked Balthazar to within an inch of his face, practically spitting the words at him. "Don't dare feel sorry for me. This was my punishment, and I won't hear anything said. If you ever talk about any of this I will take an Angel Blade and it will be in your heart faster than either of us can stop it. Do you understand? I serve Him, our Father and I will never disobey him again." He dropped the shirt and took several steps back, looking almost unbelievably at Balthazar, like he didn't really comprehend he'd just done that.

The other Angel just looked at him, sympathy gone from his features. "So be it. But pushing everyone away won't change what you for the human, you know. Castiel, falling happens in more ways than one."

Cas felt the air move as his friend left. Anger left him. Rage left him. Everything left him. Everything but clarity.

Clarity was his curse now. Clarity had ruined him and clarity would carry him over from despair to loneliness.

Father was right. Everything I was... so confused, so blurred. Seeing things the way they are hurts more than anything. But this is what Clarity is: shards of truth that stick fast, burning and destroying, but revealing. The bare bones of truth are the most tender, but Father knew that. To feel it, that tenderness, is God's gift and his punishment. Clarity shows all, even what we don't want to see. It forces eyes open even when we didn't ask for it.

Yes, Clarity has shown me that shards are all that are left. Unrequited pieces of truth that Dean will never know. This love, locked up now until time ceases to exist, this is a shard of my own; one to hold and keep close no matter how deep it cuts me. A reminder that the love for Father is worth everything. Worth more than the love for Dean... even though it hurts. You feel with your brain, not your heart, but there is a crushing in your chest that feels like your heart is dying. I'd die for him. I'd kill for him. I'd do anything. But I guess, that's just the problem isn't it? Father is all that I have left. He gave me everything. My wings. He gave me Dean, my order to bring him back, to remake him, to build him and show him that he has a purpose, he has a reason for being, even if it is to be my own reason for being. He gave me all that I am and I will never turn away. Those are my shards to have and to hold. 'Til Death do us part.

Castiel's mouth opened slightly as a single tear dropped to the ground.

God works in mysterious ways... and not all of them are miracles.

I did warn everyone that this wasn't a fairytale. And sometimes, things like this don't have a happy ending.
But nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this and hopefully the next Destiel fic I write won't be as heart breaking. Maybe a little, because I'm just like that, but maybe with a little more of a happy ending.
I am currently working on another fic, one with more heart.
I hope you liked this and that you might consider reading more of my work as it comes.
Comments and feedback are always welcome, and I just want to thank everyone reading this for making it this far.
Thank you ever so much.