Chapter Notes:
Another chapter, and as always, I hope you enjoy this one. It has a lot of Angel bashing added to the mixed but I made sure it was done in a way that didn't sound too over the top while I did it. But if it was, sorry. Or if you are an Angel fan, sorry too. Anyway, here it is, and again, hope you enjoy it...
Special thanks to my beta,djellibabe, she has helped me a lot in this fic and couldn't have done it without her. Also want to wish her a belated happy birthday to her, since I couldn't get her anything else other than to tell it to her in one of my fics... So yeah, belated happy birthday, and may you have more birthdays to come!
(O.O)
It was a stupid thing to do: Leaving the house like that to do reconnaissance on her own. She should've asked at least one of us to go with her. Angel thought angrily as he hurriedly walked to the direction of the crypt that Buffy was supposed to be at.
He would have followed her sooner had it been possible. But it was still a few minutes 'till sunset when she left so he had to wait until then to go out. He was angry too at the people in the house for not following Buffy when she did leave. Sure, they objected at first but that was all they did, object. And when she didn't listen to them and ignored them, they just all decided to respect her decision, which he still thought was stupid of them to do. Buffy wasn't thinking straight, she was acting on her own because she still thought that she couldn't depend on them after what they did to her the night before. But she should get over that by now, they were in a time of crisis after all and she needed them. But ever since she came back from her self-exile with Spike, she'd only been depending on him and his team for the major things like spell casting and battle tactics. Besides researching on the weapon she got from the vineyard the Slayer had not once asked the soulled vampire or any of her real friends for help, and it irritated him to no end.
He knew deep down that he shouldn't blame her for distrusting them, it was their fault after all for turning their backs on her. But he could not help but think that she was being childish for continuing on her tantrum. They were fighting off the end of the world here, she shouldn't be holding on to that grudge of hers for so long. She should be using all her available resources and not choosing favorites.
He fisted his hands as he remembered how Buffy acted around the other vampire. How she was always subtly looking at him for confirmation on what she should do. How she valued his opinions and ideas better than anyone when they were discussing some plans. It was just so wrong!
He was here first. He was the one who had been fighting by her side for weeks. Yet not once did she come to him for strength, for ideas, for anything! She never allowed herself to be weak, to rely on people, to rely on him. She just didn't want to relinquish her control and just let herself be vulnerable with him! Not once had she done that! But one visit from the bleached menace and she was all young and dependant on the other vampire and it irked him no end.
He may have admitted that Spike was better at being a man than him, but it didn't mean he was better than him at everything else! He was a better strategist than Spike. A better fighter. A better leader. And yet Buffy never once looked at him for guidance or protection. She never looked at him for help aside from aiding her to deal with a bunch of kids. Buffy didn't rely on him and he hated it. He hated that she preferred Spike over him. He hated that she felt more safe and comfortable with the other vampire and that she trusted him more than she ever did him. It just didn't seem right or fair!
"It's never fair," a voice whispered from behind him. He turned around and was surprised to see the object of his frustrations.
"Buffy! How?"
How did she get there? Where did she come from? Why hadn't he noticed her? Questions all rolled through his mind at the sight of his beautiful Slayer in front of him.
"How? Hmm, I wonder?" she said placing her finger under her chin looking like she was in deep thought. "Maybe because you were too busy brooding and getting angry at me to noticed that I was right behind you?" She smiled evilly at him and in that moment he recognized who the being in front of him was.
"You're not Buffy. You're the First," he pointed out, narrowing his eyes at the figure.
"Bingo! Although, didn't think you'd recognize me that easily. You're not as dumb as I thought you were. Well, my bad for thinking that air was the only thing that made that forehead of yours grow that big."
"Shut up!" he told, angry at it for its insult.
"Aww. Did I strike a nerve? Well, sorry, I can't help if I'm just so good at twisting people's heads!" it said with an enthusiastic smile that reminded him oh so much of his Slayer.
Angel choose to ignore it and turned away and continued to make his way towards the crypt. He was but a few meters away from the crypt when it reappeared before him again this time it was using the face of Darla, his Sire and the mother of his son.
"You know, Angelus, I never could understand your obsession with this Slayer. She's not even all that pretty. Her nose is slightly skewed and she's very small. Smaller even compared to Dru and I and not just in height but in other assets too." It sensually caressed its breast and bum. Angel glared at it before side stepping and continuing to move towards the crypt's opened entrance
Buffy must already be inside. He thought grimly, while silently praying that nothing had happen to his Slayer.
"She's stupid and you two have very different tastes in everything," it said from beside him, still using the image of his deceased Sire. "From music to art and even television shows-though I doubt you actually watch television, considering you prefer to read. And that's another difference between the two of you to be added in the list!" It laughed and it was getting hard for Angel to ignore what it was saying considering it kept following him as he neared the crypt. "You two are just so different that it hurts to see you two together because you both have no idea how to act with one another! Which is why I'd never understand why you'd still want her! You'd be better off with that cheerleader if she hadn't gone into a coma. At least that one had better fashion sense."
"Shut up! Okay? Just shut up! You don't know anything about me or Buffy or even Cordy!"
The First immediately changed its face and into the image of the vampire's hated Grandchilde. It smirked at the vampire using the familiar face as it continued on with its taunting.
"I know that whatever you do, you just can't keep any woman you love happy. With Dru, you turned her so barmy that the bloody bint couldn't tell which way was up or down without the help of her stars. With the cheerleader, you got so deeply involved with your cause that her life got so screwed up and she paid for it via mystical coma. With Darla, you left her pregnant and having to kill herself for your son. The son who you disowned and secretly shoved to another family because you couldn't deal with what the demon spawn did. And let's not forget Buffy, who you groomed to love you and only you so she wouldn't let herself be happy with a normal man and had turned to the arms of your vampire substitute, which is yours truly, to satisfy her sexual itch!"
Angel drew a step back as if he was hit by a powerful punch at the apparition's words. He knew he'd made a lot of mistakes, hell he agreed to being guilty to most of the things the First said but the part about Buffy? It was just too much for him to believe. He couldn't have done that. He couldn't have pushed her to do such a thing!
"You and Buffy? No! You are lying!" he screamed as he charged the Evil apparition with his Grandchilde's face.
Of course, as expected, he merely passed through its incorporeal body, slamming himself instead on the hard concrete door of the crypt. Laughter echoed behind the vampire as he tried to recover from his self-inflicted injury.
"Now, that was bloody stupid of you! You know you can't really touch me, Peaches, but damn! That was just too bloody hilarious, you big poof! Hahahaha! How's the door, old man? Was it too strong for you?"
"Shut up," he grumbled as he rubbed his head, which was already forming a huge lump.
"Aww, little Angel's got a boo boo! Want me to kiss it better, Daddy?" This time it was using Dru's face. She was crouching in front of him with the same innocent look of his Childe.
"Get away from me," he said as he slowly stood up. He was still wobbly and dizzy from what happened.
It was right, he was stupid. He had allowed himself to be manipulated and lied to and had lost his temper . He should've known better than to let such a thing happen.
"You know, Daddy, I've always known that my William would best you someday. I always knew he'd one day show that he was better than you. Though this wasn't how I imagined that he'd do it, I still knew that he would. It was why I made him that night. I saw so much greatness in my William that I had to make him mine so it would happen. And now it has! He's now better than you in every way possible! He's the Power's new favorite. They gave him a better team, a greater destiny and it seems that he's even a closer in getting the prize that is the nasty little Slayer! Mommy is so proud of her William! Aren't I right, Daddy?"
"No, you're not."
"Still denying me, huh? Well, can't say I blame you, mate. I wouldn't want to hear just how much of a failure I am either. Which is why I prefer bragging about everything I did succeed in. Like putting it on Buffy!"
"Buffy wouldn't have let you touch her. She knows better than that," he snapped.
"Does she?" Its face changed for one more time turning in to Buffy once again. "I really didn't care about what was right or wrong, Angel, at least not when it came to Spike. All I cared about was the feeling of him being inside me, taking me and tearing me apart from the inside, satisfying me in a way that you or any man I have been with could never fathom of doing. And you know what's the clincher? I kept coming back for more!"
"No, no, no. You can't. She wouldn't." He covered his ears and shook his head in denial.
"I would, Angel. I did. And I actually plan to do so again after everything with the First is over," it whispered, knowing despite the covered ears the vampire could still very much hear it.
"No! You lie! Lair!" he screamed.
It simply laughed at him before pointing at the crypt behind the vampire.
"Why don't you go see for it yourself? See just how much Spike really means to me," it told him before disappearing before the vampire.
Angel stared at the crypt with dread. He was afraid of what he might see there. But he knew he still had to see. He had to see to prove the apparition wrong about its words regarding Spike and Buffy's relationship.
She did kiss him when she saw him, doesn't that tell you something of their relationship already? The voice in his head said.
He shook himself, denying the evil thought that had crossed his mind, before finally entering the crypt. Upon his entry, he felt his undead heart shatter at the sight he saw.
Buffy and Spike were in a passionate lip lock, Caleb's severed body laid dead on the ground beside them, along with the body of some white haired woman. But the latter images didn't really bother him as much as the first one. It was just too much for the vampire.
"See? Told you, I prefer Spike than you. He's my real Champion. You're nothing but a washed up Champion who sold his soul to darkness. A real disappointment. You're not wanted here, Angel. You're useless to everyone now."
Angel said nothing but simply left the crypt without a word to the kissing couple.
(O.O)
The door slamming shut was the houses' inhabitants' only indication of their Slayer's arrival. They all stood up as Buffy and Spike entered the living room area.
"Buffy, you came back?!" Willow exclaimed.
"Was my return questioned in the first place?" she asked, trying to understand the true meaning of what the redhead said.
"Oh-well, not really. But um-"
"What Willow is trying to say is that you left angry with us again and the last time it happened um-well, you hadn't planned on returning," Giles said trying to explain to his Slayer.
"Oh! Well, actually I wasn't really angry at you guys earlier. I was angry at someone else-" She glared at Spike. "-and well-there a thing called Displacement in Psychology and I might have sort of taken out all my anger on you guys. Sorry."
"So you're not angry at us again?" Willow asked timidly and sounding a bit hopeful too.
Buffy sighed. She didn't really want to do this now, but she knew she had to reconcile with her friends before they could actually do anything to save the world together. She needed their help, all of their help. And in order to do that they had to help with all their might and not always with fear that she'd rage at them again. She needed them to stop always asking for her permission on what to do and just try their own thing in finding out what they should do to help for themselves. She needed her people to start acting like the people who had helped her save the world countless times over the past seven years. And in order to get them back they all had to settle their issues first.
"I was never angry, Will. Hurt? Yes. Betrayed? Definitely. But I wasn't angry. If there was anyone I was angry with it was myself. I-I know I have been distant lately, cold, and, sometimes, I may seemed uncaring. But that was just my way of disassociating myself from the reality that I was weak. That I couldn't protect everyone. And I guess my actions finally bit me in the butt because it lead you all to do what you did."
"We all should've been more understanding, Buffy," the redhead quickly said walking closer to the blond Slayer.
"Yeah, you've been through so much and you had a full plate," Xander followed. "We shouldn't have blamed you for what happened with Caleb. We all agreed to go there and it wasn't your fault that we lost to him. He was freaky strong after all and we are all stupidly weak. It wasn't your fault that we lost that fight, Buff."
"Xander is right. So far, Buffy, you have been doing your up most to keep everyone safe," Giles said joining in the conversation. "Yet instead of aiding you in lessening the burden, we all ended up adding to it. Our betrayal last night was an embarrassment and I truly feel ashamed of it. I am your Watcher but I wasn't watching your back as I should have."
"And we're your best friends yet we abandoned you last night when you needed us. Heck we chose dead boy over you! We couldn't get any more evil than that!" Xander exclaimed earning a laugh from their Slayer. "But all jokes aside, we really are sorry, Buff. We should've been there for you, no matter how unreasonable your requests were, we should've at least heard you out or at the very least allowed you to talk to us about it. We should've supported you and watched your back, as Giles said. We should've-"
"Done a lot of things better," Buffy finished, "I know, Xan. I feel the same way too. I should've trusted you guys before instead of making you all feel that I didn't need you. And I also know that there are a lot of things I should've done but there's no point in regretting and wishing for those things now. We need to focus on what we can do now and the most important thing we need to do is to defeat the First. But, guys, we can only do that if we all work together, and I mean, really work together, all of us." She emphasized on the last part if her sentence.
"You're talking about Spike's team, aren't you?" Xander asked, understanding her emphasis.
"Yes, Xan. The Powers sent them to help us, but instead of actually relying on their help, you all are too cautious of them and sometimes wary of all of them. I get that we have a past with them, guys, but we need to move past that. We only have one chance to beat the First and Spike and his team can help strengthen that chance . What do you say? Will all you stop acting like they are gonna kill us in our sleep and start acting like they are actually part of them team ?" She crossed her arms and waited for their answers.
"If we were to be really honest, the only reason we haven't fully trusted Spike and his team is because your ex keeps spouting stuff about them being lead by a soulless vampire and that they could turn on us anytime they want," Anya said bluntly, earning nods of agreement from the group and an angry look from Buffy.
She wasn't really angry at Anya. She was actually angry at what she had said. It so explained a lot of why there seemed to be a visible division in the house. While the Scoobies researched in the living room, Spike and his team were in the kitchen. Earlier she had assumed that they were used to working by themselves which is why she allowed them to stay there instead of joining her team, but now she knew the real reason. They decided to stay in the kitchen to get away from her team and Angel's because they all seemed to constantly distrust them because a certain soulled vampire wouldn't shut up about them being evil.
Grrr. Angel is really slowly growing closer to getting a punch in the nose if he continues acting like a jerk like this. Then she stopped.
"Speaking of Angel, where is he?" she asked, it'd be no use wanting to punch someone if the someone she wanted to punch was not around.
The young red haired Texan scientists, who was part of Angel's team, was the one who answered for her. "He had seemed mighty upset earlier that you left all by yourself, Buffy, so he went to follow you when the sun went down. We thought you two would've met up and come back together."
"We didn't meet up. Spike was the one who came and met with me at the crypt. He had been following Caleb from the vineyard, which he had secretly revisited." She again glared at the vampire scoldingly. She was still a bit upset that he had decided to go there again, without her permission, to investigate. She understood that he went there to see if he could get more info regarding the scythe but she still thought that he shouldn't have gone alone. He should've brought Faith along with him, instead of sending her looting. "Anyway, we didn't see Angel there or on the way back."
"What?! But where could he be?!" Gunn asked looking worried. He had wanted to go with Angel earlier but the vampire had declined his offer, saying that he was to stay and protect the house. If anything had happened to his friend because he had allowed him to leave alone, he'd never forgive himself.
"I'm right here, Gunn," Angel said from the hallway.
"Angel, where have you been?" Wesley asked, looking worriedly at the vampire.
"I went out to make a call," was the vampire's cryptic reply.
"And you couldn't have done that here?" Spike said snidely. He was a bit irritated at the vampire's reckless behavior and for making the humans worry about him, much more because of the fact he didn't seemed a bit repentant for his actions.
Angel glared at the younger vampire, but said nothing. He was right after all, the phone call he made couldn't be done in the house, especially since he was calling the evil law firm he was now CEO of.
Instead of replying to the vampire, Angel turned to Buffy.
"We need to talk," he told her.
"Not now, Angel. If you haven't noticed I was on the verge of telling everyone what to do to defeat the First," she told him.
"I have a way too, which is why I need to talk to you," he insisted.
"If you have a way then please share it to the class, Peaches. Buffy ain't the only one here who needs to know," Spike pointed.
"Shut up, Spike, and stay out of this," he told the younger vampire. Buffy would've come to her boyfriend's rescue had she not seen the look on Angel's face. He looked serious and she knew that what he wanted to say was important.
"Alright. Let's go outside," she told him before turning to Spike. "You need to tell them everything we found out tonight and what we discussed earlier and on what we will be doing to defeat the First. We'll be back in few minutes."
Spike took a moment to stare at Buffy , trying to read what she was planning. He didn't like that she was gonna be left alone with Angel, call it being insecure or whatever. But he had a bad feeling when the two were together. Of course, he knew better than to act like a jealous lover in front of the Slayer. He had been on the receiving end of that earlier back at the crypt. Apparently, Jonathan had failed to inform Buffy about the Succubus, which was the real reason he had monkey sex with Faith, that had attacked him and his partner. The Slayer went on full bitch mode earlier. It took her a lot of convincing and a heavy-passionate-and-sex-leading-kiss to finally make his lover understand that he wouldn't cheat on her with Faith. And so he didn't want to make Buffy experience such a thing from him. He wasn't a hypocrite after all, but aside from that he simply just Trusted her.
He nodded to the Slayer before turning to face the others and began telling them of what they had discovered at the crypt together.
"First of all, the scythe-thing is strong. Strong enough to defeat Caleb-" he began, all while eying his Slayer and Grand sire as they exited the house.
(O.O)
Buffy knew there was something wrong with Angel. She had no idea what exactly but she seriously didn't like the air of gloom the vampire was emitting. Also, for a second, she was certain that she saw him give her and Spike a death glare before they left the house earlier. They were standing outside her house waiting for the vampire to finally tell her what his plan to help them was. She crossed her arms as she waited for him to finally tell her what his plan was.
"Okay, we're outside. Spill, Angel," she told him impatiently. She had been waiting long enough after all.
"Umm-right. Here." He handed her a folder.
Buffy flipped through its pages. "Where'd you get this?" she asked reading a few of its contents.
"I got it from an informant of mine," he answered cryptically, earning a suspicious look from the Slayer.
She closed the folder and crossed her arms again. "You know, this would've been more helpful if you'd given this to the gang earlier instead of me. They're usually the ones in charge of the research thing, Angel."
She turned around to return back in to the house.
"Wait! There's more!" he said, pulling out from his pocket a crystal amulet. It was 2-inch diameter, a round crystal pendant with a silver starburst setting hung from a coarse silver chain. He then showed it to Buffy.
"I can already tell you, I have nothing that goes with that," she told him sarcastically.
"It's not for you," he said, again, with the cryptic.
"Splainy?" She raised a brow at him.
"I don't know everything. It's-uh-very powerful and probably very dangerous. It has a purifying power, a cleansing power, possibly scrubbing bubbles. The translation is, uh—anyway, it bestows strength to the right person who wears it," he answers.
"And the right person is?"
"Someone ensouled, but stronger than human. A champion. As in me," he said with conviction and certainty.
"Or me," she told him in an a matter-of-fact kind of tone.
"No," Angel said, shaking his head in the process, "I don't know nearly enough about this to risk you wearing it. Besides, you got that real cool axe-thing going for you. This here." He lifts the amulet. "This will be mine."
"Or not," she told him. "Look, Angel, you said it yourself. That thing is dangerous, and you have no idea what that thing does exactly, aside from the fact that it has a purifying power. We can't use a weapon that we have no idea what it does or how exactly it can be used aside from the fact that it has to be worn by a soulled champion, which if you actually think about it, we have more than you and I who fits that description."
"Spike doesn't have a soul, Buffy," he pointed, "Or have you forgotten that because of your closeness with him."
Buffy looked offended at what he was implying. Her eyes narrowed at him. "I meant his team, idiot. Spike may not have a soul but most of the members of his team does. They are all considered Champions too, if you have forgotten."
"Why are you so trusting of his team?! They were only here for one day and you already think that you can save the world because of them! Buffy, I have been here for three months, helping you with this fight and you never showed me and my team the same amount of trust you are giving Spike and his, and I have a soul for Pete's sake!"
Buffy was taken aback by his outburst before a look of understanding crossed her face.
"You-you're jealous!" she told him.
"What?" It was his turn to look surprised.
"You're jealous of Spike and his team and that's why you came up with this crystal thingy. So you can feel important again!"
"That's not-"
"God, Angel, that's such an immature and childish thing for you to do! Spike and his team are here to help and instead of welcoming them, you've been hindering them by your snide remarks and distrusting comments about them. Because of you, everyone else always ends up weary of the newcomers too! If you really wanted to be trusted by me, then you should've tried to prove yourself worthy of my trust!"
"I have been doing that! I have been trying to earn your trust by helping out with protecting you and everyone else. What do you think I have been doing every night since I came here? I've been roaming the streets at night, patrolling for you!"
"I didn't need you to patrol for me! I needed you to help me train the girls!"
"I didn't come here to babysit a bunch of whiny little children, Buffy! I came to help you fight the First!"
"And that is what I wanted you to help me with, Angel! I asked you to train them so they can know what it's like fighting a real vampire! What it's like to actually face a real monster. They needed experience, Angel. Experience that you could've instilled in them had you taken the time," she told him, "I needed you to help me make my army stronger, but instead you gave that job to your men." Angel opened his mouth to defend his people, but Buffy beat him to it. "And no, I'm not saying that Gunn or Wesley failed in teaching them, what I am saying is that they didn't teach them enough to be able to survive the First and its minions."
"Buffy, even if I did agree to train them, I couldn't. They're kids and they smell so sweet, my demon wouldn't have been able to stop itself. I could end up hurting your girls instead of helping them."
"And you wonder why I don't trust you," she pointed out coldly.
These words crushed Angel's unbeating heart for the second time that night. He hadn't thought of it like that. Buffy not trusting him because he couldn't trust himself. It was sad but it made so much sense to him now.
"But you would've trusted Spike with the girls despite the fact he's a soulless monster?" he asked.
"Yes, I would," she answered with certainty, "I do trust him, Angel. I always have. Even when he was evil, I always placed a small amount of trust in him that he would keep his word. And he has never failed me."
"You're being naive, Buffy. He doesn't deserve your trust or faith. One way or another he will turn on you and you will regret it."
"Maybe. But until that day comes, I'm gonna trust him. And will keep trusting him to do the right thing especially now right when he's with my friends who I know will most likely piss him off, like Kennedy did."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is that I am trusting a chipless and soulless Spike in a house with my annoying and disrespectful friends."
The soulled vampire's eyes widened in alarm. "He doesn't have the chip?! But how did he get it out? Better yet, how do you know that it's out?"
"Hello, he and his team kill evil humans. I think the Powers would've taken it out if they wanted their Champion to be able to do his job," she informed him pointedly. "And if not them, Spike could've found a way to get it removed. As for how I knew, I saw him attack Kennedy this morning. No electric induced headache, remember?"
After hearing this, he looked at the house and was about to dash back inside when Buffy grabbed his arm.
"I already told you, Angel, I trust Spike. He wouldn't hurt any one of my friends."
"You are being too gullible, Buffy! You left a soulless and chipless vampire in a room full of humans with blood rushing in their veins! He's probably slaughtering them right now!
"No, he's not," she said confidently, again taking Angel aback. "And if you don't believe me, you can just listen in the house and you will know that no slaughtering is going on inside."
He did as she said and used his enhanced hearing to listen in on the occupants of the house. She was right. Nothing was happening. Nothing besides the fact that Spike was relaying a plan to the Scoobies and his team and it seemed that everyone was really in on it. He could even hear Xander saying that he liked the plan.
"I-I don't understand," he stated, looking really lost, "He should be killing everyone not talking about sealing the Hellmouth forever. Angelus would've been savoring on the blood of those people by now."
"And that's why you will never understand him, Angel. You are always comparing Spike to you. But you can never understand that he's not Angelus. He's not gonna slaughter everyone because he doesn't care about the bloodshed like Angelus does. He doesn't want to kill the friends of the woman he loves because he knows better than that. I think you already know this but Spike loves with all his heart and he loves me, so I know he will never do anything to hurt me. So yeah, I would trust him more than you, Angel, because he has proven more than once that he's more trustworthy than any demon I have met."
"And aside from that, you also love him, don't you? That's why you trust him so much" he asked sadly. Yes, he finally understood why she trusted him. But he also had to know whether or not that trust only came from her knowledge of the kind of vampire Spike was or the fact that she too returned his feelings. He knew it was stupid and that there was a possibility that he would end up hurt with her answer but he really had to know.
"I don't know whether or not I love him, Angel," was her honest and surprising answer. "But I do know that he is in my heart and that I need him. Not just in this fight but for every part of my life."
Angel studied her face and saw that she meant every word she said. She wanted Spike to be with her and that she needed him, though for what he had no idea. It was just the fact that she did needed him that didn't sit well with the vampire.
"This isn't what I wanted for you, Buffy. I had wanted you to have a normal life."
She snorted at that. "Normal? Angel, I am a Slayer, normal was never gonna cut it for me. The last normal man I dated ended up getting a sword in the stomach on my birthday. I don't do normal, Angel because it will never work out for me."
"So you just decided to shack up with a vampire, is that it? If that's you're only reason for choosing Spike then it is a very trivial one and I think he deserves more than that, Buffy." He didn't really care about Spike. The blonde vampire can be used in any way he wants to by anyone else for all he cared. But what he really cared about was Buffy and he needed to let her see the mistake of having a relationship with the bleached vampire in any way he could, no matter how he did it. And the only way he knew how to do that was for him to use her kindness against her. "He loves you very much, Buffy, and you only wanting to be with him because of that is not fair on Spike. He needs someone who will love him as much as he does. I think he deserves that."
"I know he does, Angel," she told him sadly, again surprising the vampire. But her face then looked determined as she said her words. "I know that Spike deserves someone who will love him and treat him as well as he has treated me. But that doesn't mean that I'll let him go. Call me rotten, but I don't care. I'm a selfish person, at least only when it comes to Spike. I don't want anyone else to have him because he's mine. When he left last year, I just felt so incomplete. Like a part of me was missing. At first, I thought it was because I was finally facing the reality of losing heaven since Spike was no longer there to distract me. But even when I had accepted that loss of my final resting place, I still felt incomplete. It was only when I saw Spike again last night, that moment when his hood was removed, that I realized what it was that I lacked... And it was him. He completes me, Angel, in a way no one does. He knows me better than even I know myself and loves and understands every part of me that even my family and friends can't seemed to comprehend. He's like my other half and I don't want to lose him." She took a deep breath before she released it. Then she turned to face the vampire again. "So even if he does deserve someone better, I'm not letting him go. And rather than giving up on him, I will try to make myself more worthy of him."
Her words, her convictions. It was just too much for the vampire. He couldn't believe he was hearing her say all of this. He couldn't believe she was directing such words to Spike of all people. It was just too much to bare.
"So what you're saying is that you think that Spike is really the one for you? That he's your soul mate? Then what about me, Buffy? I thought I was that person to you. Did what we have mean nothing to you? Are you really gonna throw away our love for Spike?" he questioned her out of desperation.
He couldn't accept it. Losing the girl. Losing Buffy. He just couldn't-
I already lost Cordy, I can't lose you too! He thought.
"What we have? Angel, I was sixteen when I met you, seventeen when we first had sex, and eighteen when you decided I needed to have a normal life. The highlight of our relationship was either when I killed you or when you broke up with me. Then there was the human thing! Where you turned back time just so you could be a vampire again!" Angel's eyes widened at that. How did she know about that? "Oh, don't look so surprised. I went to heaven, Angel, that was among the things that was returned to me when I came back. I was showed everything that happened in my life, no matter that it never happened at all like that day you took back, before I went to the eternal resting place. I saw how you, again, made a decision for me and let go of our one chance to be happy with each other! To have that normal life you always wanted from me! But what do you do? You turned back time! You gave up that chance and for what? To save me from certain death, which FYI you still didn't help prevent because you were busy traipsing in another dimension!" She had tears in her eyes, but brushed them away. She was angry and she didn't want the bone headed vampire see her cry because she knew he'd probably take it another way. "So don't you dare accuse me of not putting importance to our love because between the two of us, you are the most guilty of that statement. I loved you, Angel, I still do, but not as much as you still think I do. I've grown up in all those years you've been away, and in my growing I have learned that love isn't the most important thing in a relationship. Love is just among the things that make a good relationship, but the real most important thing in a relationship is Trust. Being able to trust your partner to watch your back and to stay by your side through it all, that's the kind of relationship I want, and we didn't have that, Angel. We can never have that, and do you know why?"
"Because you don't trust me," he answered with a sad look.
"Partly correct," she conceded, "But it is more because you don't trust me. You never did, Angel. You always make decisions for me under the pretense that it is for my own good. But who are you to decide what is good for me or not? You're not my mother, father or even Watcher. You don't get to decided things for me! So yeah, I think that a relationship with the two of us would've failed because we don't have Trust."
"And you and Spike do." It wasn't a question. More like a final statement.
"I already told you that."
Angel looked down. He was defeated. He took her there to impress her and at least make her see him as her hero but instead he ended up getting told off and his heart even more broken.
Buffy watched the devasted look that crossed the vampire's handsome face. And she felt sorry for him because of it. She hadn't wanted to hurt him but she didn't want to let him keep the illusion that they could still be together one day. They had that chance already and she had already learned to accept that missed opportunity. But the same couldn't be said for him, which was why she never told him that she remembered that lost day. She had wanted to at least to spare him the heartache of knowing that he finally lost her undying love.
"I'm sorry, Angel," she said before turning back to the house and leaving him to mourn their lost love on his own.
(O.O)
Spike had just finished explaining their plan to the Scoobies and his team. They had all agreed to do it and aside from a few little magically tweaks they have to resolve, there wasn't much that needed to be explained with their plan. The others had charged themselves to inform the potentials. He had just left the kitchen and was just about to go upstairs to check on Ethan when Buffy reenteted the house.
"So, what did the poof have to say?" he asked, trying to sound casual, when in fact he was really worried what the bastard did to his Slayer.
Better tell the truth, Slayer, because the tears I smell from you. So it ain't gonna be that easy to hide, luv. He thought as he watched her intently.
She ignored his question though. And instead of answering she surprised him by hugging him all of a sudden.
"I need you, Spike," she whispered so only he could hear.
Although if she were to be honest, she didn't care that anyone heard her. She was finally tired of having to defend her reason for acting close with the blonde vampire. She was tired of hiding their relationship. She was just tired of people butting in to her own business.
Her conversation with Angel had drained the most out of her, despite that she hadn't really said all she wanted to say to him and only said enough so the vampire would realized that he should stop this jealousy induced jerkiness he had been showing Spike's team. She just hadn't prepared herself for those kinds of talks. She was facing an apocalypse for Pete's sake! She shouldn't have to deal with all of these emotional crappy things that required her to feel, because when she starts feeling she becomes weak and they can't have that. Especially not now when they are on the verge of battle.
She needed her head straight, but Angel couldn't seemed to understand that and had left her with a serious dilemma that she would have rather not thought of.
He loves you very much, Buffy, and you only want to be with him because of that is not fair on Spike. He needs someone who will love him as much as he loves. I think he deserves that.
The memory of Angel's words echoed through her mind. As she hugged Spike and allowed him to comfort her in his embrace, she was forced to think back on those words.
He does deserve someone better, I know this... So do I really have a right to be selfish and keep him with me?
She looked up to the vampire, and knew her mind would not ease itself unless they settled this problem. So with her eyes, she silently implored him to take her away so they could talk.
Spike simply nodded and lead Buffy to the basement, which he was certain was currently unoccupied. Everyone, meaning the Scoobies, simply watched the exchange with wide eyes until the couple left the room.
A few minutes of silence passed before Xander Harris spoke up.
"Uh-did we just really see that?" he asked out loud.
"Apparently we did," was Giles' dumbfounded reply.
"What should we do?" Willow asked, not really sure how she should react to what she saw. I mean, sure, she knew Buffy and Spike were close, Dawn told them so yesterday after all. But to see Buffy lean on Spike for support in such an intimate way? She just hadn't thought that they werethat close.
"Do you, guys, really have to do anything?" Gunn, one of Angel's team, questioned.
"What do you mean?" Willow turned to the African-American man.
"I mean, so she hugged the guy and they left the room together to probably get some privacy. Why do you guys have to think of something to do about it?" he told them.
"Because the said guy that she hugged isn't even a guy, but a vampire. She shouldn't be hugging vampires! Much less that particular vampire!" Xander exclaimed angrily.
"And you all wonder why Buffy stopped trusting all of you?" Dawn said, after being quiet during the entire exchange. "Even now you think you have a right to tell her what to do and who she should be with."
"Dawn, this is different," Xander started but he was once again cut off by the teen.
"How is it different Xander? Because it's Spike? Well, if you hadn't noticed Spike really isn't the problem here! The problem is all of you! You all are still thinking that you can make judgement on my sister and dictate to her what she can and can't do! So she wants to hug and rely on Spike? So she will start shacking up with a vampire? So what? It's her life and none of you have a right to tell her otherwise! She's a grown woman who can make decisions for herself and she doesn't need friends who would try to pull her strings to get her to do what they please. Buffy's not your puppet and you are not her masters. The sooner you all realize that the better things are gonna get for all of you!"
She then stood and was breathing heavily as she watched everyone's reaction. She didn't like the look on their faces because despite her very valid argument, it still looked like they were gonna disagree with her in some way. They just didn't have words to say to her just yet. So instead of waiting for them to actually say anything she continued.
"If even now you all still think that you have a say on what Buffy should and shouldn't do, then I suggest you all start packing because I don't think my sister would want friends who can't respect her to make decisions for herself. If you don't respect Buffy then I don't think you're her real friends."
With that she stomped off towards the kitchen. Her exit would have been dramatic if not for Spike's team blocking her way with their books and research materials in their hands.
"Oh, hey, Dawn!" Amy greeted, "If you plan to go to the kitchen, don't. I just finished doing a silencing spell there so we won't hear whatever activities Spike and your Slayer are planning doing down there in the basement."
"Silencing spell? Activities? What the heck do you think those two would be doing down there?" Xander asked.
Amy simply shrugged. "I'm not sure. But I know Spike and when I see him be alone with a woman, it usually ends with the two of them having sex?"
"And since not all of us are gonna be having anything at the moment, we'd rather not be reminded of what we won't be having during this apocalypse, hence the silencing spell," April supplied as she settled on one of he corners of the room with her laptop.
Dread filled the room, at least for the Scoobies.
Buffy isn't that angry with them to the extent that she'd let Spike touch her that way, is she? These were the words that the group thought. They needed to do something.
"Don't you guys dare," Dawn told the Scoobies in the group. "I know that look on your faces. It's the look you all have when you disapprove of what Buffy is doing and are planning to do an intervention."
"Dawn, if I may just say-"
"No, Giles! My sister is her own person! She deserves to be treated with respect, and, again, none of you have a right to tell her what to do or plan her life for her. We almost lost Buffy yesterday because we turned our backs on her, do you really think she'll still let you stay with her if you try to fit your own views on her? I don't think so." She paused to assess the expression on everyone's faces. It looked like they all just remembered that Buffy was still recovering from yesterday's betrayal and realized that there was still a possibility that they could lose her had they really gone through with their plan to talk to Buffy about the sudden turn of her relationship with Spike.
So they conceded with the younger Summers' request and had decided to leave Buffy alone with Spike for now. At least until this apocalypse ended and they all, including Buffy, could really sit down and fully talk about their issues with each other. So until then, the group decided to ignore the Slayer and the vampire downstairs and pretend, or hope, that nothing was actually happening between the two.
(O.O)
She still hadn't told him what was wrong, all he knew was that she hadn't wanted to be with everyone earlier so he had taken her away from the crowd. He knew there were repercussions with their actions: hugging him that way and then him taking her downstairs alone. He had been certain it would illicit negative reactions from her precious friends.
And he had not been wrong.
From upstairs he could hear their outburst. Harris being the most vocal of the lot. He could easily imagine their facial expressions as he listened to them from below. He clenched his fist as he heard the boy's words about how Buffy shouldn't be hugging him.
Who the bloody hell does he think he is? He has no right to decide who the Slayer wants to hug or not!
He would've ran back upstairs to teach the bastard a lesson or two about respecting the Slayer, but Dawn had beat him to it.
He had smirked as he heard his little Bit tell the Scoobies off. He was actually proud at her for defending her big sis.
Gonna make sure to give the Bit a good present when all this is done. He promised to himself.
He would've continued listening to the conversation upstairs but decided to stop so he could finally focus on the woman in front of him. She hadn't said anything since they arrived in the basement. She merely walked a couple of steps away from him and simply stood there, her arms folded protectively around her body. Her shoulders were hunched, which made her appear even smaller than she already was.
What the bloody hell did that poof say to you? He thought angrily as he stared at the woman in front of him.
He would've voiced the questioned out loud had she not beaten him to it.
"Do you really think we'd work out?" she asked suddenly, "When we beat this enemy and prevent the First from taking over the world, do you really think there is a chance for us to work out a relationship?"
"What are-Are you having second thoughts about us?" he asked, not bothering to mask the hurt in his voice. Just earlier they had been talking about having the best sex they could ever have together when they finished off the First, but now she was asking him this. It was truly putting a hole in his already cracked heart.
"No, I'm not-well, okay maybe I am, but not for the reasons you think," she said hurriedly.
"And what reasons would that bloody be then?!" he asked sounding angry and irritated. He already somewhat had an idea what her reasons were, he was just annoyed that she just didn't downright tell him immediately that after talking to his marvelous Grand sire, she realized that she didn't want him after all.
"I'm having second thoughts because I think that I wouldn't be able to make you happy, Spike," she said finally looking him straight in the eye.
"Wait-what? Make me happy? What the bloody hell are you on about, Slayer?!"
"It's something Angel said-he told me that being with you wasn't fair on your part because I am not returning your feelings. And Spike, you feel so much that I think any woman would be lucky to have you as a lover. But I am incapable of feeling the same thing. I don't think I'll be able to love you." His face again crumbled at those words, of which again she hurriedly tried to explain. "Not because you are not loveable-believe me, any girl will fall hopelessly in love with you-but more because I just don't think I can love. I'm broken, Spike, I have been since Angel. And it is because of what he did to me, what I had experienced with him that I think was what had ruined so much that I have lost my ability to actually love. That's why I think that being in a relationship with you, as I am now, is doomed to fail because of me. I'm afraid that I might end up hurting you again. A-and it's just not fair to you. You give your all to anyone you love but I can't do that, I'm not like that I-"
"That's where you're wrong, Slayer," he cut her off, then he walked closer to her until he was standing a few inches apart from her. "You can love, pet. In fact, your love rises above anyone else I know, even mine. You love with all your heart and give your all even when you no longer have anything left to give. It's only that this whole bloody world has been so cruel to you that it has indeed left you so broken, but not enough to stop you from loving, because if it has then you would've stopped fighting for this world, for your friends and for your family. Buffy, you are full of love and you never stopped loving, the only thing is that you are afraid to love someone new. I know you care for me, luv. In fact, what you are telling me now only proves how much you care for a sad excuse of a vampire like me. So you don't love me now, it doesn't mean you won't fall in love with me later and trust me, pet, I can wait a long time for that later to come."
"But it's not fair to make you wait that long," she told him with a pained look.
He simply shrugged at her words. "It's not like I don't have time to do so. I have all the time in the world, luv. In fact, I have an Eternity to wait, Buffy. And for you, pet? I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. Your love is that special."
"It's not," she whispered. She really didn't think she was that special and yet Spike seemed to always see that she was and it pained her to be this amazing person in his mind when in reality she was not even close to that person.
"It is to me. Which is why I will wait for it because I know the moment I do have it, I can die a very happy man."
"I don't want you to die," she said softly, but panic in her eyes and how her voice trembled a bit were all clear indications of how much she feared such a thing to happen to him.
"And I won't, luv. I ain't leaving your side. Even if death did claim me, I'll always try to find my way back to you," he promised her, before he jokingly continued, "You know that I'm just persistent that way." He grinned.
She mirrored his expression and felt at ease by his promise. But the sense of relief didn't last long for she remembered the reason behind this conversation in the first place.
"But as much as how amazing that all sounds, Spike, I still don't think we should continue with this relationship. You may be okay with waiting for me, but I don't think I'm okay with making you wait that long. As I said, I don't want to hurt you, Spike, not again. I don't want you to be in an unhappy relationship with me while you wait for the time when I finally learn to actually love you."
"Bloody hell!" He cursed and snapped his head back in exasperation. He then turned to glare at the love of his life. "Who the hell told you that I'd be unhappy while waiting?! You silly bint, don't you know that just as long as you are giving me a crumb of your affection it's enough to make me the happiest man alive? I love you, Buffy, but I know that I don't deserve you. To have a part of you, no matter how small, is everything to me. I'm happy to have just as much as I can."
"But you deserve more than a crumb, Spike-"
"Which is why I am willing to wait!" he exclaimed loudly . She looked surprised at his declaration before confusion replaced the expression on her face. He sighed. He knew he had to explain to her what he meant by what he had just said. "Buffy, we had a very violent past. We have hurt each other in ways that shouldn't happen between lovers. So I can understand that you are reluctant to give us a chance, but as long as I know that you are not just using my affection for your own selfish desires as you had done a year ago, I am gonna be willing to wait for you for as long as you need. I will stay with you. I will love you. I don't care about what I deserve, I don't need you to go all Angel on me and leave me for my own good. That's not what I want from you, Buffy. I don't have a soul to understand the nobility of doing such things. I'm a demon and a real selfish one at that. The only thing that really matters to me is you and as long as I have you, damn all other things."
It was wrong. She knew. How he viewed loving her, being with her. How he wanted her in that sort of way and not caring for the consequences it would have on him. It was not the right thing to do or the healthiest kind of relationship to have. And yet at the same time it sounded like a relief for her. To be able to have a reason to have him without having to think of what it will do to him. It was still so wrong but somehow she was slowly agreeing to it.
God, I am really, really twisted. Wanting him despite knowing that I will end up destroying him.
The pained look on her face was enough to tell him that she was thinking something bad again. Something he knew would end up destroying their steadily growing closeness. He could not have that.
"Buffy, don't worry about me, luv," he told her as he approached her again. "I can handle the pain. Heck, I'm immune to it. I did it with Dru and I'm sure you're not worse than her?"
She was still reluctant as she gave his words a proper thought.
"I don't want to treat you like Dru did," she said.
"Then don't. Stay as you are, luv. Be with me as how you are with me now. Trust me and accept my love like you are doing and I will not care about anything else. I want to be with you, Buffy. To fight by your side and have you depend on me and allow me to protect you. So please don't take that chance away from me."
That was it. His words. His request. That was all she needed to stop thinking all those negative thoughts she'd had since she left Angel earlier. She had his love and he was okay to give it to her despite the fact that she wasn't certain she could return it, because all he really wanted from her was for her to accept him.
And she knew she accepted him a long a time ago.
She snaked her arms around his neck and gave him a hug.
She was really grateful to have him. He always made her life easier and he always knew how to take her pain away. She could always count on him.
"Thank you," she whispered in his ear.
She'd make things work between them. Like she had told Angel. Love didn't matter in their relationship, it was Trust. And as long as there was trust between them, they'd work out.
"Anytime, Slayer," he whispered back as he too tightened his hold on her.
(O.O)
Chapter End Notes:
Wow, that was long, but only since we are always at the conclusion of this fic. That is why I want to take my time in thanking all of you, my lovely reader, for supporting this fic as long as you have. I know it wasn't like the movies, like I just saw, or in the comics, the lastest version of it anyway, but you all still showed your love for this fic. So yeah, thank you and I hope you will continue on with you support. Thanks and hope to see you again in the next chapter..
Oh, and remember, I love reviews, so it would be even more appreciated if you leave one! Again, thanks and have a nice day, everyone!