I'm With The Band
Disclaimer: In its use of intellectual property and characters belonging to NBC, Jake Kasdan, Judd Apatow, Paul Feig, Gabe Sachs, Jeff Judah, Mike White, J. Elvis Weinstein, et cetera, this work is intended to be transformative commentary on the original. No profit is being made from this work. Any similarities to other fanfiction stories are completely coincidental.
"We're gonna call the cops, young lady!"
It was in these moments, when I had woken up to my parents howling at each other as well as throwing objects around the house and had tried to make a quick getaway only to be yelled at as well, that I wondered what a normal family was like. Did Lindsay's parents sometimes wake her up screaming at each other? Did other kid's parents use everyday kitchen utensils as weaponry?
These questions seemed not to be very important as my stepfather loomed over my small form in the kitchen, putting a stubby finger in my face and demanding that I stayed home today to help my mother clean up the house. Spit flew from his mouth as he spoke, his face so pudgy and red that I couldn't help but grimace at it. He was stumbling slightly, revealing his level of intoxication, and I managed to fool him into thinking that I was staying around today long enough to make some toast for myself.
"I can't believe you, Katherine Jane Welsh!" My mother piped up as I waited for my bread to toast, and I glared at her and her disheveled form as I clicked my long black nails on the counter. "We haven't seen you in a WEEK! And the minute you show up you want to leave again!?"
She was holding a rolling pin in one hand to undoubtedly threaten Rick with, and a spatula in the other that I couldn't imagine the use for. I had vivid memories of Cookie hitting Chip over the head at Kim's house, and didn't want to be victim of a similar scenario in my own house, so I tried to defend myself.
"I have something called school! And it's not my fault I don't wanna stay here!" I cried in indignation towards my mother and Rick, who had come out of the bathroom and was now glaring at me whilst holding the cheap counter to remain steady. "You guys are drunk all the time! I've had enough, y'know!? Fuck both of you!"
I yelled back at them, taking my saddlebag off of the counter and preparing to leave the house. I was just about to exit the stupid rickety door with the hinges that no one ever bothered to fix and the stupid decoration on the front that mom never changed when I felt a tug on my hair and was thrown to the ground. I let out a screech of surprise at this, holding my head in pain as I lost my breath from the impact of my back hitting the floor.
My stepfather's face loomed over me amidst my mother's cries, but I wasn't left alone with Rick until she disappeared into her bedroom screaming about how this family was too 'chaotic' for her. I growled and tried to get Rick to release my hair, but his hand wasn't giving up.
"Let go of me, you asshole!" I screeched and tugged side to side, the back of my head erupting in pain.
"You little bitch!" He growled and pulled me up by my shirt, causing me to flail out towards him in rebuttal as rage took over my actions. I could smell the alcohol on him and gagged in disgust, knowing that this situation wouldn't turn out well for me. "You're gonna break up this whole family!"
"You already did, you dirtbag! I hate you!" Pulling back my fist with all my might, I swung as hard as I could and hit Rick square in the jaw.
He grunted in pain, stumbling a step backwards, and then retaliated with a punch that I wasn't prepared for. He hit me right in the solar plexus with a force that I couldn't reckon with, and I bent over without even a grunt of pain thanks to the shock that being punched came along with. The bottom line was that he was a man – he was intoxicated and had a bigger body mass than me, and at this point I was screwed because I was vomiting all over the floor.
"You fucking brat! Watch the shoes!" My stepfather barked dangerously, giving me one more shove against the door for good measure before pointing a finger in my face again. "If you ever do that again, I'm gonna call the cops on you."
I wiped my mouth and gulped nervously. "If you ever do that to me again, I'm gonna call the cops on you."
"Excuse me?" Rick leaned down to my level almost teasingly, grabbing my chin and squeezing it so tightly that my eyes began to water. "I'd like to see you try."
As tears began to pool at the corners of my eyes and threatened to spill over, I found myself literally shaking with pent up adrenaline. I wasn't fighting back, and we both knew why. Time after time I threatened to call the police on my parents only to receive jeers and taunts in return and not actually go through with it, partly because I was terrified of the consequences and partly because I believed that the police wouldn't actually arrest Rick. It was a tight situation that I wasn't ready to exit out of, and Rick knew that my threats to call the police were always empty. It was how he had managed to get away with so much up until this point.
"You're just a little piece of filth," He spat, not relenting his hold on my chin. "Who thinks she can get away with anything around here."
At this, I found that the rage inside me being held back by a dam of fear suddenly snapped and released, causing me to rip myself out of Rick's grasp with a furious cry and clock my fist as hard as I could against the side of his head. Knowing fully well that at this point Daniel was waiting for me out front by the sound of his Trans Am's engine rumbling not too far away, I didn't bother to watch Rick go stumbling into the pathetically tiny dining room table and instead threw open my door. As soon as I began to sprint away from the house I heard the door open again and the familiar cries of my stepfather hot on my heels, so I concentrated all of my remaining efforts into dashing towards Daniel's car idling ten meters away.
"Stop right there, you stupid cunt!" Rick was shouting, and I jumped into the passenger side of Daniel's car just in time for my stepfather to miss his chance to grab me. I locked the door just as Daniel began pulling away, both of us ignoring the 'thud' that no doubt meant Rick had laid a kick in the side of the Trans-Am.
"You're a failure and a whore!" Were the last words out of the stepfather's mouth.
I growled wordlessly, rage building inside me again as my body decided that I had had enough of Rick for today. I flipped around in the passenger seat of Daniel's car and gave my stepfather two middle fingers through the rear window, watching his face twist in fury as he tried to chase after the car.
"FUCK YOU!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, flopping back into my seat as soon as Daniel took a hard left and panting heavily from the leftover adrenaline coursing through my system.
Daniel didn't say anything at first, driving way past the speed limit towards the general direction of the school until we stopped a couple blocks away. He turned the engine off when we had found a free parking spot, resting his forehead against he steering wheel of the car. It took me a moment to realize that he was trembling just as much as I was, and another minute or two to acknowledge that this wasn't fear – it was rage. Daniel was literally vibrating with rage. I had never taken into account how much anger he must have felt seeing me abused like this, despite having seen Rick this way many times. I thought he wasn't going to say anything and was merely taking a break from driving to calm down before school, but then he did something completely unexpected.
Daniel let out the most anguished, tortured, blood curdling scream I had ever heard and literally made me jump a foot in the air before I gaped at my friend in disbelief.
"What the fuck, Daniel!?" I yelped, holding my forehead in shock. I didn't need this right now.
"You can't stay there!" He cried, turning to face me in a sudden fury, and I nearly gasped when I realized there were fresh tears on his cheeks. "You can't, Katherine! Look at what he does! I can't keep -"
A sob suddenly tore itself from his throat, and he slammed his fist down on his dashboard once before holding his head in his hands and continuing to cry.
"I don't know what to do...I don't," He blubbered uselessly as I sat there in astonishment. I didn't know how to process this information. Daniel was crying. My Daniel – my unbreakable Daniel that I had known for so long to be a statue of rebellion and foul play and ways to get by without hurting, was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't know what else to do besides place a hand on his shoulder. "What did he do?"
"What?" I was staring at my friend in surprise again, a dazed sort of fog intercepting my ability to deal with this situation.
"What did he do to you?" Daniel grabbed my arms and flipped them over, and I let him manhandle me without question as he searched my body for injury. "Come on, Kat – please!"
I gently motioned towards my stomach whilst taking deep breaths to calm myself down, recognizing that one of the symptoms of my panic attacks was distinctiveness. Daniel noted my actions and lifted my shirt, spotting the red mark that would no doubt turn into a bruise by the end of the day. He also noticed that my breathing was increasing in pace rapidly, and deduced that thanks to the traumatic events that had just gone down I was most likely having one of my famously horrid panic attacks.
"Shit," He cursed, hopping out of the drivers seat and leaving me alone in the vehicle for a moment, before I realized that I had gone numb and he was opening the car door on my side. "Katherine? Katherine!"
I couldn't respond.
My lungs were on fire; my arms and legs were on fire; my stomach was on fire. I was on fire and it felt like I couldn't breath. Gasps left my mouth at an inhumane rate, and even though I could feel my chest rising and falling it felt like there was no oxygen in my body at all. My vision was blurry and my fingers and toes were so numb they felt like they were going to fall off any second now. I couldn't grip the leather seat underneath me nor feel anything that my fingers were touching, in fact I couldn't feel anything besides the terrifying thumping of my heart. It was as if the muscle was about to jump out of my chest, and time slowed as I tried to turn my head to look at Daniel to no avail.
It took me a moment to realize that there was a terrifying ringing in my ears as well, and a blockade in my throat that was preventing me from speaking. It wasn't long before Daniel gave up trying to communicate and merely lifted my form from it's place in the passenger seat. My best friend cradled me to his chest like a newborn baby and kicked the door shut with his foot, transporting us both to the backseat where he closed the door and continued to hold me.
It took awhile for my breaths to calm down – I assumed the attack to have gone on for a good fifteen minutes before Daniel was capable of getting my breathing back to normal, but even then I was trembling like a calf and my body was starting to grow cold after the hot flashes that I had been experiencing. I couldn't do anything but stare into nothingness as if it was the most interesting thing I had ever seen and try to focus on Daniel's incoherent mumbling in my ear, praying that the ringing would subside sooner rather than later. It wasn't until ten more minutes had passed that I recognized he was repeating the phrase 'you're alright, you're safe' over and over again.
To let him know that I was somewhat back to normal, I nodded once and tried to swallow once only to cough harshly. I hadn't expected such a dry throat, even after experiencing many panic attacks over the years, and Daniel immediately began to rub my back in response. His actions reminded me of just how lucky I was, and I vaguely realized that the poor boy had been suffering a sort of attack of his own before mine had launched into full force.
"Daniel, I'm sorry," I croaked, apologizing for many things all at once.
"Sorry?" My friend reeled his head back at this, frowning dubiously. "Sorry for what, Kit-Kat? There's nothin' to be sorry for."
"I can't move out," I defended myself weakly, looking up at the dried tears on his cheeks. "I can't call the police. I can't do anything – I just...can't."
Daniel was silent for a long while after that, and he didn't do anything besides lean his head down on mine that was resting in the crook of his shoulder. He still held me in his arms the way a mother would a frightened child, one arm behind my back and the other underneath my knees. At this point in time we didn't care for our tardiness any classes that we were missing, focusing solely on the peace and quiet in the vehicle parked on a calm street that was letting us take our breaths in a very dark period of our lives. But, as with all good times, we knew the moment had to come to an end sooner or later.
"Come on trooper," Daniel laid a kiss on the top of my head after several minutes, ignoring that he hadn't answered my statement and that we hadn't addressed his previous outburst. "Let's get to school."
After a particularly uneventful second period – Daniel and I had missed first and our English class had been boring beyond belief – the usual gang, minus Kim for a reason I wasn't aware of, reconvened in the cafeteria to eat lunch. The lack of presence of my blonde friend worried me slightly as I could have used the extra support considering the colossal cluster fuck that was this morning, but I was more than alright with having four out of five friends present.
"Make sure you get somethin' to eat," Daniel mumbled as we lined up to get food, and my stomach clenched once in anxiety and then a second time in pain. There was no doubt a bruise already forming where Rick's fist had implanted itself on my solar plexus this morning.
Daniel hadn't checked for any other injuries like he usually did, which this time around didn't matter considering my stomach was the only one. When we hung out there usually wasn't an absence of words unless something was wrong, in which case we sat in a fair amount of silence like the car incident this morning. Our friendship didn't rely on communication as much as I would have liked it to, but it was nice to have someone to sit beside in total silence and know that neither of you had to say anything for a connection to exist.
I sullenly picked out chocolate milk and some fruit from the lunch line, deciding to ignore the hunger in my stomach. I hadn't eaten my toast because of the fiasco this morning, and my appetite after what had happened had diminished by a fair bit.
After Daniel had acquired his food and we had both purchased our meals, we located Nick, Lindsay and Ken sitting at our table surprisingly accompanied by Sean who was a fellow freak as well as a member of the boys' band. We began to eat after exchanging greetings and smiles, but were interrupted when Millie and Colin, dressed in ridiculous outfits, came to advertise the school play. These two were always the stars of the school's productions, Millie being a mathlete and the perfect Christian model student, while Colin was a virgin who couldn't drive and liked to pretend he could act.
"Hi everyone! If you're just a boy or girl who can't say 'no'…" Millie started, letting Colin, the other geeky drama student, carry on.
"Then you won't be able to say 'no' to tickets to the McKinley High Drama club's presentation of…" Colin waited for someone to ask.
"What? What!?" Nick's sarcastically enthusiastic response prompted Colin to answer his question with a giant grin.
"OKLAHOMA!" Him and Millie spread their arms.
"Oh, no way!" Nick retorted, causing me to let out a giggle or two.
Although it was just poking fun, these types of situations made me feel better and I had Nick to thank for this type of humor. Despite my stomach letting out spurts of complaint, I ignored it in favor of laughing at my friend's antics and how ridiculous Millie and Colin looked in those two awful century old costumes.
"So come on down, partner, but leave the ducks and geese at home!" Colin smiled at us, making me both laugh and swallow down the urge to shake him awake and make him realize that he didn't know he was committing social suicide by standing in front of the whole cafeteria wearing such a horrid costume.
"And oh, what a beautiful evening you'll have! Yeehaw!" Millie delivered the cringe-worth statement, and the two hobbled out of the cafeteria with a weird interpretive dance.
"Alright, tickets are two dollars at the box office – don't miss it! It's a great show!" Mr. Kowcheski finished, and we were finally at peace to finish our lunch with a few final scoffs of disbelief that the school was really letting their students dress up like idiots.
"Hey, you'd look good in that dress," Nick smiled at Lindsay, causing me to snort into my chocolate milk and therefore causing Sean to give me a shove. This was the first time that he had sat with us all week – he usually cut class for work so that he could support his single mother at home, but today he was present.
"Thanks," Lindsay muttered, a bit weirded out but taking the strange compliment.
"Hey, you guys wanna rehearse today?" Nick asked the other three boys sitting at the table.
For a while, him, Ken, Sean and Daniel had been jamming together in Nick's basement with his ridiculous 29-piece drum set. They weren't very good, to put it politely, but with some encouragement and practice they could get better. The problem was that neither Kim nor I were very keen on telling them that they needed to do more work, as we both knew that it would lead to offense and denial that they sounded like shit. So the band lived in ignorance.
"Oh, is this your guys' rock band?" Lindsay was curious to know more about it, and I could almost guess what her face was going to look like when she eventually got the 'privilege' to see them play.
"Yeah, we've gotta audition for battle of the bands comin' up," Nick fist pumped with his 'band mates', and I tried to keep myself from rolling my eyes again. "Winner gets three hundred bucks!"
"I can think of like, a bunch of less time-consuming things that could earn you guys three hundred bucks," I piped up, causing all eyes at the table to turn to me in both curiosity and confusion. "...all of which involve mens genitals." I finished with a playful grin, causing everyone to let out sudden laughs and earning me a good slap on the arm from Daniel.
"Mind out of the gutter, Kitty-kat," He grinned his special grin before we were interrupted by Lindsay.
"I bet you guys are really good," She smiled encouragingly, making me snort once again as I watched Nick beam. This time around, Daniel gave me a dirty look. He knew that the band wasn't classically 'good', but preferred to live the lie rather than admit to someone that they were shit.
"No," Sean shook his head earnestly, apparently have a more honest idea. "I don't think so."
I nodded my head in agreement as Daniel made a face and balled up his napkin, throwing it at Sean's head.
"Do you guys have a name?" Lindsay tried to ignore the antics and pressed on.
"Yeah," Nick leaned back in his seat and beamed, as if he was proud that he was part of a terrible basement band that would never get very far. "'Creation'."
"No, we don't have a name," Daniel smiled patronizingly at Lindsay, ignoring Nick and causing the boy to scoff in frustration.
The boys had debated about several names over the past couple of months, but naturally they couldn't agree on anything and their label was still up in the air. Nick was all hung up over the name 'Creation', but Daniel hated it. Sean wanted to name the band something to do with Death, and of course Ken didn't care whatsoever.
"Come on," Nick complained, tossing his fork down onto his plate like a ten year old. "I liked that name."
Daniel merely raised his brow as if to threaten Nick to challenge him once more on the topic, and after a moment Nick merely rolled his eyes.
"Alright," He gave in, changing the subject. "Anyway – three o'clock for practice?"
"No," Daniel shook his head and continued to eat his orange snowball. "I gotta do something with Kim at three."
"Hey!" Ken hit Daniel on the shoulder with a sly grin, obviously implying dirtiness. "How about three o'one?"
"How about three fifteen?" Daniel took another bite and joked, making me stifle a giggle. "I gotta fit in your mother."
"You wanna sleep with my mom?" Ken feigned a hurt expression and held a hand to his chest in mock horror.
"Mhm," Daniel nodded, still playing along with the joke as he took a gulp of water.
I shook my head, still smiling, and went to dump my unfinished lunch out in the garbage. Unfortunately, I had chosen the same time to stand up as Vicki and her awful table of cheerleaders, who were particularly unfriendly to the community of freaks and/or geeks at McKinley High. They didn't purposely seek anyone out to make them feel bad about themselves, but they were bullies regardless based on their harsh tones and whispers. So, it was better that I tried my best to avoid them and moved quickly.
This was easier said than done however, and I had just started dumping away my food when I heard the first nasty word fly out of a passing Vicki Appleby's mouth.
"Freak."
I didn't care that the word was said in such a malicious way or the negative connotations that were carried with it. What I cared about was how they acted as if they were any higher than Kim, Daniel, Ken, Nick and I with their frilly outfits and horrible attitudes. There was nothing wrong with being a freak; we knew who we were and that we weren't horrible people, and I didn't appreciate the way we were looked down upon as if we were the scum of the earth when Vicki and her posse of friends could be just as bad as Karen sometimes.
"Bitch," I hissed back, uncaring of whether or not the insult was out of her earshot and done with her little games.
"What was that, you little rat?" Vicki's haughty tone retorted from a few feet away, and I could hear several of her friends stop as well.
"You heard me," I spun around bravely on my foot, facing the group of girls that was now staring towards me in disbelief. The girls were younger than me and whilst heavier, didn't look very intimidating with their perfectly curled locks and green ribbons in their hair. "Bitch."
"How dare y-" Her mouth opened in disgust, and as her eyes changed I prepared myself for a battle. Her insult did not come however, because before I knew it Daniel had blocked my vision and was severing the malicious contact between me and Vicki.
"Woah, hey," He laughed nervously, holding a hand out to make sure that I didn't come near the blonde girl who was now staring astoundingly towards Daniel as he addressed her. "Kat didn't mean it – she's havin' a bad day."
"Of course I fucking meant it," I growled, making a beeline for Vicki once again with the intention of shoving her to the floor and teaching her a lesson. "She's got it coming."
Daniel roughly intercepted me and held me tight before this was possible however, ignoring the watchful eyes of several nearby tables as the incident attracted more attention.
"You better watch it," I pointed a vicious finger at the blonde, who I was proud to report had a glimmer of fear in her eyes and was staring at me as if I was some sort of savage. She was speechless and seemed unsure of how to deal with the situation, apparently incapable of dealing with the fact that I had almost jumped her. "You hear me?"
"Calm down Kit-kat," Daniel muttered into my ear as he wordlessly pushed me back to the table, and it wasn't until we sat back down that I realized I was shaking with anger. Just as Daniel had done earlier, I was gripped with the sudden desire to scream out in frustration. The stupid dichotomy of this school drove me insane, and I hated being treated as if I was some kind of bug simply because my friends and I didn't succumb to traditional normal roles.
I watched Vicki like a hawk as she sat down at her own table and began to gossip, staring back at me with wide eyes as if I was some sort of mental patient. In a fit of frustration and pent up rage, I shot her the middle finger before having my hand slapped down by Daniel.
"Come on, Welsh!" He snapped, eyeing the teachers monitoring the cafeteria nervously. Lucky for us, we hadn't seen a thing and it was unlikely Vicki would report the incident. "Leave 'em alone."
"What's going on?" Lindsay was clueless to the situation and clearly concerned, while Nick was quiet as he continued to eat his food.
Our group hadn't had a lot of run-ins with the cheerleaders as they mostly left us alone, but we knew their opinion of us and frequently heard it being whispered as we walked by. Not to mention the looks we received in hallways and classrooms, only adding to our irritation.
"Nothing," I muttered sourly in response to the newest addition, picking at my nails as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. "Vicki's just a raging thundercunt."
"Watch your mouth, Kit-kat," Daniel tried to hide his smile as Lindsay sputtered at my wording, causing Nick to laugh as well. "I'm tellin' ya. It's filthier than a sailor's."
"I like a sailor," Sean winked at me, causing me to snort at the fact that I couldn't tell whether or not he was being serious. Sean commonly flirted with everything that moved, regardless of the fact that he was shot down a lot.
"Yeah well," Daniel grumbled, opening another snowball that he had miraculously acquired out of nowhere and throwing the wrapper at Sean. "This sailor's off limits. Especially from you."
This statement surprised me, as Daniel hadn't necessarily been protective of my sexuality before. I wasn't sure if it was an instinct designed to shield me from assholes like Sean who would just end up hurting me in the end or if it was just a joke, but Daniel hadn't sounded like he was joking. I watched my friend out of the corner of my eye for a bit after he lapsed into silence, noticing that the rest of the table had taken the comment into stride very lightly and continued with regular conversation. Daniel, on the other hand, had moodily continued to eat his snowball. I wasn't sure if he was pissed because of the cheerleader incident or because of Sean's comment, but before I knew it it didn't matter anymore because I felt a very distinct nausea bubble in my stomach.
"Shit," I cursed under my breath, trying to control my rapidly laboring breathing as I winced from the pain in my solar plexus. "Dammit."
"What?" Nick's voice broke my concentration, and I realized with a start that he had caught my symptoms and my table of friends now had their eyes on me.
"Nothing," I assured as I slowly stood from the table and gripped it for support, not wanting to worry anyone. "I'll see you guys later."
Hoping that I hadn't bothered anyone enough to make them follow me, I made my way through the mass of tables in the cafeteria at a pace that was less than ideal for my poor stomach to read the exit point. As soon as I had breached the doors I immediately turned right, and allowed the nausea burning up my esophagus to finally bubble over and spew out of my mouth into the trash can below. I tried to be as silent as possible, as I was aware of several students in the hallway on their way to the cafeteria, but it was difficult to control my noises when my throat felt like someone was holding a blowtorch to it.
"Katherine?"
"Kim," I croaked in response to the familiar voice as I spat out a large glob of vomit-coated carrot that was wedged in between my teeth.
"Oh boy." Without another word Kim immediately came to my aid from wherever she had come from, holding my hair back into a ponytail. "What happened?"
"Nothing," I groaned as more nausea forced more half-digested chocolate milk and celery out of my stomach. I heaved once more into the trash bin, coughing miserably and retching up the last of the terrible green vegetable.
"It was Vicki," Daniel's voice, growing closer by the minute, I attested. He must have followed me out of the cafeteria, but Kim had found me faster than he had. He withheld the information about this morning, which wasn't as surprising as I thought it would have been. "The little tart got her so mad Kat was shakin'."
"That bitch," Kim growled as I grabbed the sides of the trashcan and vomited into it one last time, appreciating the fact that at least my hair never got puke caked in it thanks to my friends. "I'm gonna kick her ass."
"Don't," I straightened myself and wobbled over to the drinking fountain meters away, voice hoarse. "Please, Kim. Just leave it – she's just ignorant."
"Whatever," Kim rolled her eyes, having let go of my hair in favor of rubbing my back as I drank from the fountain. My eyes nearly rolled to the back of my head in pleasure from the cooling water that refreshed my throat, still stinging thanks to the stomach acid. "What did she even do?"
"Called me a freak," I shrugged as I straightened once more, acknowledging that whilst I had been mad at the time of the incident I had calmed down now and saw that it wasn't a big deal. I had Daniel to thank for that realization. "It was nothing. Anyway, where were you all morning?"
Kim thankfully accepted the turn of conversation and walked with me down the hall, Daniel flanking me on my other side. She explained how her car had run out of gas on the way to school, and she had been forced to part on a random block and hitchhike the rest of her way. Kim then complained about how both her and Daniel's cars were on the fritz, and how it was unfair that the junkyard always seemed to have scraps for his Trans Am but never for her Gremlin. Daniel joked that the skies were in his favor, but Kim and I both seriously assumed that he had been born with a serious streak of luck in his bones.
"You're coming tonight, right?" He asked as soon as Kim had reached her locker and had quieted to focus on grabbing the right textbooks for the afternoon.
"To Nick's?" I clarified, raising my brow. I hadn't exactly wanted to attend the infamous band practices that went on once a month, but I realized that I didn't have an excuse and found myself nodding before I knew it. "Sure. I'll come."
Although I was reluctant to accept the offer, it wasn't like I had anything else to do tonight. I certainly wasn't going to go back home, and if there were anyone that I would want to stay with tonight it would have been my friends. My mind replayed the scene with my stepfather from this morning, causing me to cringe and remember why my stomach was so sore. I almost seemed like the calm dilemma in my parent's chaotic lives, threatening to stable the imbalance that was a daily occurrence in my house.
I shook my head and refused to think about what had happened this morning, instead following Daniel to English and taking water breaks every fifteen minutes to ensure that I wouldn't puke again. Before I knew it the day had passed by relatively calmly despite the traumatic morning, and we were on our way to Nick's house with Lindsay to watch the boys practice. Kim had skipped fourth period to go fetch her car and fill it up with gas, so half of us traveled with her and the other half in Daniel's Trans Am.
As soon as we got to the basement and the band started playing, I managed to slink away into the backyard where Nick's father couldn't spot me if I stayed below a certain height. The man wasn't home until late tonight – hence the night for practicing – and I used this occasion to dig deep into my bag and pull out the little tin cigarette holder where I stashed my pre-rolled joints. The convenient idea had once come from my mother, it being the last good idea she had shown me before she had reduced into alcoholism and utter emotional demolition.
I quickly lit up, glad that I didn't need to share, and watched the birds flutter around the trees surrounding Nick's parents' home in peace. It was difficult to ignore the awful music coming from Nick's basement, but the pot was helping and before I knew it I couldn't even hear Ken's awful 'singing' anymore. Unfortunately this didn't work out too well in my favor in the end, because after a good half our of practice there was the sound of an engine in the driveway that I didn't realize was Mr. Andopolis' car until a good minute or two. Thankfully his footsteps carried away from the backyard, but he would no doubt smell the marijuana if he opened the windows and I decided that it was high time to get out of Nick's place.
"Shit," I murmured, taking one last drag off the finished joint and snuffing it out under a large pile of dirt.
I opened the door to the basement as quickly as possible and let myself back in, only to find everyone packing their things and leaving. Without even giving me time to ask what was happening Kim explained that Nick's father had arrived home and that Nick was staying behind to 'chat' with him. Lindsay was going to wait, and the rest of us were apparently going to get food from the drive-thru where Sean worked and could get us discounts. I was on board with this plan and happily piled into Daniel's car, grinning slyly at the fact that Lindsay had chosen to stay behind and wait for Nick. That was quite the sacrifice, considering Nick and his father's meetings were extraordinary for continuing on for awhile.
Daniel drove me, Sean and his guitar to where Sean's drive-thru was located whilst Kim drove her Gremlin to make sure it was still working safely. Besides, she hadn't wanted to leave it at Nick's overnight – especially not with his father there. There were several complaints that I smelt like pot and hadn't shared, causing me to roll my eyes as Daniel urged for me to cough a joint up. I reluctantly did so, letting my friends reach the same levels of peacefulness that I was currently cruising at.
We watched Sean dart into the back of the store with the two dollars that Daniel had grumbled about forking over for a soda, coming out ten minutes later with a large bag filled with burgers and fries. As soon as the boy had come out we reconvened on the hood of our friends' cars once more, and I watched my friends munch into their food happily whilst I sipped on the extra large soda that we were all sharing. There was little conversation until most of the burgers were gone, at which point we talked about movies and music for awhile until the topic shifted to the band and its progress.
"I don't see where Nick wants to go with this," Sean nervously flitted his eyes around to the rest of us. "I don't see Creation going anywhere."
"Not Creation!" Daniel reminded, this time throwing a fry at our friend's head.
"Nick just keeps getting more and more intense with it," Ken took the last bite of his burger and shook his head. "It's like a weird obsession."
"That may be so," I piped up from my spot leaning up against the windshield of Kim's Gremlin, still holding the giant cold soda in my hands. "But it's either this or the army for Nick. He's got no chance in getting his grades up with all the pot he smokes."
"Yeah," Kim agreed. "And he's not gonna wake up and smell the roses anytime soon, so he'll probably just keep trying to be a famous drummer."
"Right," Daniel snorted, obviously doubting Nick's potential or drive to get better. "He's gonna choose what he can't get to..."
"Well, if he works hard enough and actually takes some lessons," I mused, twirling the french fry Kim had handed me – with a very pleading look, might I add – between my fingers. "He could be pretty good."
"Yeah – speaking of lessons," Kim suddenly approached me with her carton of fries, causing me to lean back for a moment. "I need to give you a lesson on how to eat. This is your first meal in like, days."
Despite my squeal of surprise Kim grabbed a handful of French fries and shoved them in my face, causing them to rain down my front. I barked out a laugh and did the same for her, elapsing us into a mini food battle that everyone joined in on with their leftover food – much to Sean's chagrin. A couple minutes later, we were joined by both Nick and Lindsay, who, much to Sean's displeasure, forced him to get them free eats as well. He hesitantly made his way into the employee's section and disappeared once again, coming out with two more burgers.
"So guys, I was thinking," Nick butted into our conversation eagerly as soon as he had finished eating, drawing the attention onto himself. "We should rehearse again sometime soon."
"Practice again?" Ken frowned, and I slurped my coke whilst watching the exchange with an interested gaze.
"Why not?" Daniel agreed, sliding his arm around Kim and finishing the last of his burger. "Jammings always fun. Can't hurt, right?"
"It can't hurt 'cause you guys suck." I snorted to myself, blowing bubbles into the soda that no one else was going to drink from. I hadn't expected anyone to listen, but when Sean began to laugh and Nick shook his head in retaliation I realized that my comment had been heard. And unfortunately, it earned me a playful slap on the forehead from Daniel himself.
Despite Nick's enthusiasm for frequent musical get-togethers, the next band practice was just as awful as the first.
The bass was atrocious, the guitar was just plain awful and I couldn't say anything for Ken's vocals besides the fact that they would have cleared out an entire stadium instead of had them chanting for him. It was like Alice Cooper's first days all over again – the man had been made famous for his disgusting way of singing, and Ken was rocking the house in that category. I couldn't even laugh at Lindsay's expression considering how shocked I was that they had somehow gotten even worse after the last practice.
Of course, I wasn't going to tell them any of this.
It was very important that Nick had his fun before he was shipped off to some naval base in the middle of nowhere, as there was no way that he was succeeding as a drummer and there was no way that he was getting his grades up unless by some miracle. It did, however, seem as though Lindsay was trying to help him achieve his dreams because when the boys finished their song Nick stood with a somber face and exchanged a peculiar glance with her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lindsay give him a subtle shake of her head.
"Hey – uh, listen guys," Nick awkwardly tugged on his shorts, clearly not used to being in command. "That wasn't very good. Let's try it again."
"What?" Ken stared at the drummer behind him in awe, disbelief ringing in his voice no doubt because of the fact that in all of the bands' sessions, no one had ever suggested that they repeat a song.
"Let's, uh, let's try 'Sunshine of Your Love' again." Nick repeated himself.
"We just played it man," Daniel pointed out to his friend, bright red electric guitar still strung around his neck as he turned to face Nick. "Why would we do it again?"
"'Cause, uh, it wasn't right, man," Nick tried to defend himself weakly, statement growing in strength as he continued along. "It was really sloppy, and it didn't really sound anything like the record."
Well, he had a good point there. No one could argue for a moment, but the silence was quickly interrupted by Daniel who obviously felt very differently about the fact that Nick was trying to get everyone to run through the song once more.
"I don't care what the record sounds like, okay?" He challenged Nick firmly, making me frown at his tone. It wasn't so much that he was battling Nick, more that his voice was growing ruder. "We play it the way we play it."
"Are you still buying pot from the same guy?" Ken asked before Nick could retort to Daniel, obviously not ruling out substance for his friend's strange behavior.
"You mean me?" Sean joked, trying to lighten the mood to no avail.
"Look, you guys, I just wanna play the song right, y'know?" Nick seemed sincere, and considering none of the other band members had parents who ran a tight ship like Mr. Andopolis, they weren't going to take this 'band' thing as seriously as he did.
"Look, any way that we play is the right way." Daniel snapped, and I jumped a bit from my spot in between Kim and Lindsay at his tone. This caused Kim's hand to land on my back in comfort, and I could sense her glare at Daniel. She didn't like it when he yelled either, but Kim was a hypocrite in terms of her harsh tones and so was I.
"Not if we wanna get into battle of the bands -" Nick protested, and I found myself wanting to plug my ears. This argument was getting worse and I didn't want to get stuck in the middle of a tornado when it hit.
"I could give a crap about battle of the bands!" Daniel finally yelled, interrupting him and causing me to let out a shaky breath. If I was getting angry at some stupid cheerleaders it was one thing, but when my rocks – my precious friends surrounding me – started to crumble themselves it was disturbing. Not that they were at the same level as Rick, but it was awful to see them breach the tip of that iceberg. "Who cares!?"
There was a moment of silence, and suddenly Kim's hand on my back felt like the warmest thing in the world.
"You were right, Lindsay." Nick's crestfallen expression had taken on a look of bitterness, and the brunette beside me was wide eyed as everyone turned to her.
"Right about what?" Daniel questioned the girl, eyes flitting to Kim and I for a split second where guilt broke through the frustration. He must have spotted my somewhat less-than-comfortable face and Kim's pissed off expression.
"Please," Ken spoke into the microphone once it was apparent that a very discomforted Lindsay wasn't going to respond. "Do tell."
"Look – I'll tell you," Nick broke in, finally going out on a limb and ranting to us whilst flailing his arms about. "It's that you guys don't care. Maybe you're just screwing around, but I – I want us to be good, y'know? I'm tired of sucking at everything in my life! And I wanna nail that audition, alright? But we're not gonna nail the audition unless we play the songs over and over and over again until they're perfect. Alright, Daniel?"
Nick left an emphasis on his friend's name, glaring at him pointedly. "So can we play the song right? Once?"
Daniel didn't respond for a good few seconds, only gazing at his friend with a clenched jaw and an expression I couldn't place. Lindsay seemed to be trying to disappear into herself; something that I had to admit I'd tried to do before. I was familiar with the feeling of being the bringer of unfortunate and factual news. Reality sucked. Nick's band sucked. The truth hurt, but secrets hurt even more.
"Please? Alright?" Nick repeated to prompt the boys into motion once more.
"Alright," It was then that Daniel moved his fingers onto the frets of his guitar once more. "Let's play the stupid songs."
"Hey! Hey, hey, hey!" Nick nearly exploded as the guitar began to strum out the opening chords to 'Sunshine of Your Love' by Cream. "Did you hear any sticks, man? Wait for my sticks, alright?"
"Gee, this is really fun, guys," Ken's sarcastic tone made Lindsay shrink into her seat even further, and his thumbs up didn't help the overall mood at all. Everything was tense and strange, an attitude that I wasn't used to with my friends. "I'm glad we have a band."
They began to play again, and I had to admit, it wasn't as bad as the first time around. It was a bit more relaxed and mellowed down, but at least it didn't sound like cows stuck in a meat grinder. Kim yawned, and although I was still rather upset with the way that their conversation had gone down I found myself relaxing. The song still didn't sound anything like Cream, but it was definitely better than the first time around the block.
"Wow," Daniel snorted as soon as the last lines were finished. "That sucked."
"Royally," Sean agreed, both boys detaching themselves from Nick's speakers and flinging the wires away.
"No, hey!" Nick rose from his stool in protest, disbelieving that his friends could really think that it sounded worse than the original few times the song had been played. "It sounded better!"
"Yeah," Lindsay agreed, shooting Nick an encouraging smile. "It really did sound better."
"Oh, did it, Lindsay?" Daniel spat, making me recoil in shock at the sheer venom in his voice. Again, Kim was quick to lay a hand on my wrist and Daniel looked between us nervously before stalking forwards and roughly placing his guitar in its case. "Do you approve?"
"Come on, Daniel." Lindsay scoffed, as if she didn't understand that he was truly upset.
"I'm outta here," Daniel grumbled and began to put away his guitar, tone significantly softer for a reason that I was fairly certain I could guess.
"You're a piece of work, Lindsay." Kim hit Lindsay on the shoulder and got up to leave, gently prompting me to follow. I was torn for a moment, unsure of which party to go with whilst it seemed that our family was splitting apart. "Come on, Kath."
"Daniel, where're you going?" Nick asked as if Daniel was just tricking him and the two would hug it out the next minute.
"Anywhere." Daniel's tone was cold and hard this time around, sending a shiver down my spine. I didn't like this Daniel.
"We need to rehearse more, Daniel!" Nick yelled, making me jump and causing Kim to finally snap, forcefully helping me out of the seat on the couch. I didn't realize it until I was standing, but I was frozen solid.
"No, you needa rehearse more!" Daniel yelled right back, slight accent beginning to come out as an indication of his frustration. No matter what Kim was murmuring into my ear I couldn't move, and it didn't take long for her to realize that I was in the midst of a rapidly brewing panic attack. "We needa get outta here."
"I hate this song now, we've played it like, six times," Ken complained loudly, packing away Nick's mic and placing it in it's usual spot on top of the stereo. "I never wanna hear it again."
"It sounded better..." Nick weakly argued as a last resort, desperate at this point to stop his friends from leaving.
"Who cares, man?" Sean butted in, shrugging as he packed away his bass. "We're in a paneled basement, not the Silverdome."
Kim continued to murmur into my ear, but at this point all I could focus on was the argument and the fact that I was literally frozen solid in panic. No matter what my blonde friend was saying nothing was going through, and even I didn't seem to register my breaths growing faster and faster.
"You know, you and Yoko here are turning music into school," Daniel motioned to Lindsay, eyes narrowing viciously and not realizing just how awful his attitude was getting. At this point I didn't care about what they were fighting about; I just didn't like how they were doing it. "What are you gonna do, start handing out band homework?"
"I just wanna play the song right Daniel!" Nick's finally shouted, causing me to finally crack.
The minute the first sob flew out of my mouth my frozen limbs learned how to move again, and in a fit of panic I found myself ripping my body from Kim's grasp and propelling myself towards Nick's basement door. I couldn't take another minute of this arguing, and I didn't want to seem silly for crying, so the only thing in my fight or flight ridden mind that seemed like a sensible option was to run. Run like I did from my 'parents', run like I did from my classrooms, and run like I did from all the overdue assignments and responsibilities that would forever haunt me. There were various shouts of confusion as I left, some of them forming into my name, but I shut them out and sprinted out of Nick's home, bag left forgotten in the back seat of Daniel's car.
I didn't care that I was abandoning my friends for the evening, nor did I care that they would most likely be afraid of where I had gone off to. All I cared about was getting as far away from the argument as possible – as far away from the crumbling pillars of support that were supposed to be the ones holding me up instead of tearing each other down – and if that meant sprinting as fast as I could through Nick's neighborhood I would do it. If it meant sprinting towards the only open road I could think of and following the flow of cars, I would do it. And I did it. I ran until my lungs were on fire and my muscles were screaming in exhaustion, crying out for me to take pity on them.
And then I ran some more.
My mind was completely shut off as I pushed myself to the limit that my body could take me, flying past intersections and ignoring the beeping of car horns as I sprinted to wherever my feet could take me. I wanted to get out of this stupid city; get away from my parents and away from anyone who would ever yell over something stupid again. I wanted to be alone and wanted to be immersed in a crowd at the same time. I wanted to drown and heave oxygen through my lungs. I wanted silence and screaming in my ears. At this point it didn't matter because all I could hear was rushing either way.
I hadn't acknowledged that I was running out my panic attack and exhausting it by literally taking advantage of the fight or flight mechanism in my brain, choosing to run from what was making me anxious. The noises of my friends' yelling still stuck in the back of my head and repeated mercilessly, merely serving to allow me to increase my pace as I began to approach another busy intersection and crossed it, this time conveniently crossing when the lights were blinking for pedestrians to walk. I didn't heed people's strange facial expressions to the fact that I was sprinting everywhere and continued on, uncaring of who I inconvenienced by making them jump out of my way.
I ran until I reached Walcott bridge, limbs trembling with exhaustion as I continued to sprint on the pedestrian walkway. When I got about halfway across the bridge I stopped, realizing that my exercise hadn't helped the attack and that my mind was still reeling. Traffic honked all around me, the busy bridge absolutely bustling with cars and busy beyond belief. It was madness and peacefulness all at once. I couldn't hear myself thing in this terrible noise, and I found myself darting across traffic and slipping in between lanes without a single thought in my head. The noise was marvelous.
I stood in the very middle of the bridge, not heeding to the honks of the cars that zoomed past and knowing fully well that I was safe where the divider across six lanes – three of which travelling in the opposite direction I had come from – was marked. The roadway was huge and provided cars a popular alternate route to get home, and realizing that it was around rush hour I acknowledged that somewhere in the back of my panicked mind I had stored the information that this bridge would have been very busy at this very hour.
"Katherine!"
I didn't even realize my name was being shouted.
To be completely fair I hadn't expected to be followed this far – it was hard for a car to track a sprinting human being when they were darting in and out of traffic like an insane mouse, but I had to give it to Daniel. He was a good driver, and he knew where to find me. After all, this wasn't the first time that I had run to this bridge seeking peace in between all this maddening noise. Daniel hated Walcott bridge for that very reason; it was polluted, congested with traffic, fast moving and most of all, dangerous for pedestrians.
So I could only imagine his reaction when he spotted me, a hundred pound female that looked as though she could be swept away any minute by the wind, standing in the middle of the divided road like a total mental case. I didn't know how he managed to avoid the traffic like I had, but before I knew I was actually aware of his shouting and in that very moment it almost seemed as though I could snap out of this terrible mind state that I had been trying so hard to run away from only to let it catch up with me. Unfortunately, the ringing only got worse.
And then everything collapsed.
Any remaining energy was lost as I crumpled to the ground, knees clacking against the pavement painfully as I slumped pitifully and continued to hyperventilate. The white dash separating the two lanes of the bridge warped dangerously, and I found myself frowning at it as I tried to catch my breath only to realize that I was hallucinating. Bright colors and swirls caused me to blink rapidly in succession, head lolling back and forth as I panted miserably and tried to catch my ever dying breath.
Then, in what was probably the scariest moment of my life, my entire world went black.
The last sensation I had was of a warmth behind my knees, and I found myself shocked that I hadn't hit the concrete and cracked like an egg. There was nothing but swaying and swinging in my subconsciousness as I slept soundly, at peace in what seemed to be those few seconds of pitch darkness before I was barely awake once more. I could hardly open my eyes let alone speak, and the minute I opened them any light coming into my pupils immediately caused me to close them again.
In and out of consciousness I faded for what seemed to be a lifetime, brain refusing to cooperate until hours later. When I awoke permanently, groggy and confused sitting in the back of Daniel's car strewn across Kim and Ken's lap, I nearly fainted in shock. Every single cell in my body was exhausted, void of energy that had been drained in my emotional and physical strain to fight the panic that had been flowing through me. It took a few moments for me to properly come to, but I realized that someone was repeating something over and over again in a dazed mantra.
"Kitty-kat?"
Kim.
"Everything is going to be okay."
Daniel.
"Everything is going to be okay."
Daniel.
"Daniel!"
Now Kim, shouting at him.
"Everything is going to be okay."
"Yeah, no, I'm serious, guys," Kim was speaking about a week later as we all crowded around a picnic table on the patio. "I think my mom wants to come see the band play or something."
Everything had finally cleared up between our group of friends. After the band had quit the mood had been sour for awhile, and Nick had bitterly auditioned for a band called 'Dimension', only to fail miserably at the audition and not make the cut. He was a little bit more realistic about his goals now, and had agreed to work a bit harder in school to please his father. His drums were still his hobby, but at least this time around he agreed to make up with the boys as long as they promised to at least play some songs twice to properly practice them.
"When she gets outta rehab?" Daniel smirked loosely, shoving Kim and poking fun at her mother.
"Oh, shut up!" Kim laughed, making me smile softly alongside her from my corner spot.
I watched the smoke from my cigarette exit my nostrils and furl around the table before my eyes flitted towards an arriving Lindsay and Nick. I joined in as well, my cigarette resting in between my lips.
My incident had not been spoken about considering only Ken, Daniel and Kim knew about it, and I tried to keep quiet about my mental condition once more. We all sort of internalized what had occurred and simply decided to put it past us, knowing that talking about it would only drive us further insane and just deciding that it was best to keep tabs on each other silently rather than communicate about it. Ken, luckily had not revealed my secret about how I had called him a couple months ago on the phone and continued to keep it on the down low. My strange behavior had taken most of its toll out on Daniel, who was extra concerned about me.
"Hey!" Daniel applauded cheekily, distracting me as he ruffled Nick's hair. He often liked to hide how he truly felt. "Ringo Starr!"
"You finally got your wish, Nick! You're as good a drummer as John Bonham!" Ken exclaimed, as sarcastic as ever before deadpanning, "Of course, he's dead."
"You should've seen the looks on those guys' faces though man," Nick laughed, poking fun at himself. "I think I ruined their love of music forever."
It was good that he was getting over his negative experiences; I was glad that he was feeling better and perhaps this was an indication that things were starting to work out after all. Unfortunately, I couldn't say the same thing for myself. My weird experience had completely changed my mind state, leading me to believe that my anxiety was getting worse and that my mental health was taking a turn for the horrible. I had never been so frightened in my life, and this was one point in time where I wasn't sure that my friends could help me with whatever was coming next.
"Hey," Sean looked up at Nick teasingly, completely shaking me out of my thoughts. "Is Dimension gonna charge you for the pee stain you left on their drum seat?"
"Shut up." Daniel slapped our friend lazily on the cheek, effectively silencing him. "Hey man, Dimension sucks anyway. I saw 'em open up for Toll – they got booed off the stage."
"Thanks a lot, man." Nick shared a fist bump with Daniel, appreciating the support.
They began to discuss new songs that they could play together, and I smiled at the thought that things were fully patched up. Kim suddenly raised and declared that she had to take a piss, and I raised one brow as I watched her and Lindsay take off together. I knew what it was about.
Nick had had Daniel, Sean, Ken, Kim and I over last night to iron out some details – mostly about him and Lindsay and how they were now in an apparent relationship after she had kissed him throughout the week. I wasn't too interested in their relationship, but it seemed Kim cared quite a bit more than I did. So, shrugging and trying to pay attention to Nick complaining about the Ramones' chords, I placed the incident out of my mind. Unfortunately, there was another feeling in my stomach that I couldn't wash away so easily, and it was coming at full force.
I started to gag silently, cigarette still in hand as I leaned away from the table to prepare for the inevitable clenching of my stomach. I couldn't say anything, simply going along with the back and forth movement of my head as I inhaled through my nostrils and focused on trying to soothe the vomit building up in my stomach. Daniel finally noticed my head rearing like a sick dog, and called my name once. It wasn't until he called it for a second time that I heard him.
"Katherine?"
I could only groan once in return before I began to truly dry heave, and my stomach contracted only to give out seconds later. The awful noises of vomit hitting the ground caused several of my friends to grimace, all but Daniel who had been quick enough to grasp my hear and pull it back out of my face.
"Lovely," I could almost hear the cringe in Ken's facial expression, and I could feel more sets of eyes on me from the rest of the freaks around the patio. It wasn't as if this didn't occur often, but I usually managed to aim for a trash bin as opposed to the cement floor that people walked on.
I spit once into the pile of barf strewn pathetically at my side, feeling Daniel release my locks of hair and sit back down across from me with an unreadable expression on his face. I tried to calmly resume my smoking, but there was no denying that I was trembling like a leaf and that many people were staring at me in a shocked silence before awkwardly averting their gazes and trying to resume normal conversation. I focused on keeping my expression hard and stoic, but there was only so much I could do against the several silent tears that escape. I only glanced at the cigarette a couple of times to observe the tiny fire going on inside the Marlboro stick as I blurred out the world outside of me.
"Katherine."
My head snapped to the sound of Daniel's voice.
"You're not okay." He confirmed, and I shook my head from side to side in confirmation as I continued to smoke. Ken and Nick were still staring at me in frozen disbelief, clear worry etched into their faces as well.
I was most definitely, absolutely, one hundred percent, without a doubt not okay.