Chapter 6

Trudging Through This Terrible Time

Noah,

I give up. Trying to go on, trying to deal with it is just too difficult. I keep thinking about who I used to be and how much better everything seemed when you were alive. But now all I see in me is someone who would rather be dead. The only reason I'm staying alive is…well… I don't even know anymore. I'm trying to find something that's worth staying here, believe me I am. It's just becoming a lot harder than I thought it would be. The only one I can think of is Connor, but even he is growing farther apart from me now. I'll try to think of something though…

I closed my journal and stared at the red leather for a moment. My fingers traced small swirls over the cover. It seemed as if my brain wasn't functioning correctly because all that was going through it were thoughts of Brady and what I said to him and what he said to me. I thought that avoiding him would be an easy task because of how little I knew him, but after today I realized that I was wrong. I couldn't stop thinking about how much he seemed to know about me already. The thought of it made a chill run down my spine. I didn't want to get caught up in something that would turn out to be like everything else in my life. I didn't want to get hurt in the long run. I can't take any more pain. I already had enough crap on my plate. So I thought that not becoming friends with him would prevent that from happening. But he's everywhere…and I can't shake the weird feeling I get whenever I see him.

A thud caught my attention and my eyes immediately guided me to where the sound came from. I picked the journal up off of the floor and threw it into my bag. The extent of how out of it I am was clear to me now. God, I can't even hold a book in my hand. I sighed and looked down at the floor one more time and that's when I noticed it, a folded half sheet of notebook paper. I picked it up and unfolded it, reading it to myself

Thought you might need this,

312 Ocean Front Drive

Don't worry that's really my address. See you tomorrow.

-Brady

He told me he didn't read my journal! Ugh, I can't believe this. But maybe –and this is a big maybe- maybe he just slipped it into the last few pages? God I hope so. I didn't know how I'd face him tomorrow if it wasn't true…

I opened my car door and looked at the therapy clinic in front of me. It took me a minute to come to terms with what I was doing. Nothing was clicking. But I closed my door and walked into the clinic like nothing was out of the ordinary. And since I was so out of it I didn't even stop at the front desk to let Ms. Nelson know I was here so she could tell Olivia. I just walked straight into Olivia's office and sat down like I owned the place. My eyes wandered around the room, scanning each of the paintings on the walls while I waited for her. I was lost in every one of them, picturing myself there where everything seemed calm and peaceful. I pictured myself in a world where there was nothing but happiness, where you didn't have to worry about who you could trust and who you couldn't. Somewhere where I didn't have to doubt the fact that I wanted to know Brady.

I heard the familiar sound of a door clicking shut and I raised my head so it would seem like I wasn't out in la la land.

"So," Olivia had a wide grin on her face, "Did you confront Connor?"

I was afraid she would ask me that, "Yes."

"And?" her voice sounded hopeful.

"And he told me he thought I was joining some cult," anger was seeping into my tone, but I bit my lip so I wouldn't sound half as angry as I felt.

"Well, are you?"

I guess you could say it's really bad when your own therapist has to question whether or not you joined a cult, "No, but the thing is that he doesn't even know Brady well enough to say something like that," I threw my arms up in the air.

"Brady, as in the guy you've been trying to avoid?" see Olivia was about as close as I could get to having a best friend. A best friend who's a girl…

"Yep, the one and only," I rolled my eyes dramatically, "Connor thought I was his girlfriend and that I was getting involved with drugs or something."

Her eyebrows raised and her grin suddenly turned into a huge smile.

I couldn't help but question what was going through her head, "What?"

"I'm sensing that the only reason why Connor is angry with you is because he's jealous of Brady."

I was afraid of that, "Why would he be jealous of Brady?"

"Well, given from what you told me I can only think that he likes you more than a friend."

My eyes closed slowly and I sighed. She was right. I didn't know how or why I knew this, but she was right. Connor liked me more than a friend, "So, he doesn't want me to get close to Brady?"

She nodded.

"He's going to ruin everything," I mumbled mostly to myself.

"You should tell him how you really feel. Tell him you're not planning on getting involved with Brady like that."

I shuddered at that, "Which brings me to my next dilemma," at least I had someone I could talk to about this without feeling like a complete idiot, "I talked to him today…Brady I mean," it took me a moment to figure out what I wanted to say next, "And I really don't know what to do. I keep telling myself I shouldn't get involved in anything because I might get hurt, but then it's like…" I pursed my lips, "Whenever I'm around him I feel like things could get better. As crazy as it sounds…"

"So, you want to know if it would be right to become friends with him?"

I nodded, "Basically."

Olivia sat back in her seat and stared at me intently, "I don't know really," I felt like I was back to square one until she said, "You can't know if he's going to hurt you. But what you can know is whether or not he makes you feel happy. If he makes you feel happy then I say take the risk."

I looked past her and at the painting of the forest that hung on the pale blue wall. It held my attention long enough to juggle my choices in my head and actually come to a decision as to which one was the best.

The constant sound of glass bottles clinking together rang in my ears. It was like background music that kept repeating over and over again. As soon as the timer started going off I grabbed the chicken parmesan out of the oven and placed it on the counter top. A sweet aroma filled the air around me when I set it down.

Clink Clink.

Ugh, I was getting annoyed. I couldn't stand hearing that noise anymore. So, I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths. I drowned out the sound and concentrated on my heartbeat. While I listened I lolled my head to the side and thought about nothing else but breathing evenly. Meditation was my last resort.

"Hurry the hell up!"

Getting hit was the last thing I wanted.

I quickly dumped one whole chicken breast onto a plate and drizzled the sauce I made on top of it. With another clink of his bottles I figured I had to get this over with. I kept my eyes on the steam that was coming off of the chicken while I walked into the living room and set down the plate in front of him. His eyes slowly made their way down to the food and then they landed on me. I didn't make eye contact with him and I didn't even consider saying something to him. All I did, all I could stand to do was stand there.

"Bring me another beer," he was slurring his words together. I guess I should be used to the way he spoke, but for some reason the way he was talking to me right now had me wanting to get away as quickly as possible. I turned around and walked straight into the kitchen without saying a word. When I touched the cold drink I shivered out of fear of what might happen today. I stared at the liquor in my hand as I found my way back to where he was sitting. Before I could even try to hand it to him he snatched it out of my hand and used the bottom of his stained t-shirt to open one of the things I hated most in this world.

"No respect," he muttered. I picked up the empty bottles that were sitting on the floor and started to walk away when he grabbed my wrist. The worst part of it was that I could see my last chance of having a good day slip out of my reach, "Did I tell you to throw those away?" more slurring.

"No," I kept my eyes on his hand that was cutting off my circulation.

"No, I didn't," he shook his head at me, "Leave 'em there," he pushed my wrist away from him now and I flexed my hand to get the blood flowing, "Jesus Christ I swear kids these days don't appreciate anything."

I didn't want to hear this. I know whatever he's going to start ranting about now is going to be a blow to the chest.

"You're going to end up just like your brother did."

I began to walk away from him. It wasn't going to stop him from talking, but at least I didn't have to see him while he talked about how terrible I am.

"He had nothing going for him and neither will you!" he screamed from the other room.

Don't listen to him. You know it's just the alcohol talking.

I knew that much. Even he didn't have to remind me of that. I started cleaning up the mess I made, pretending that what he was saying right now had nothing to do with me.

"Get a job! Then maybe you'll start making the right decisions."

Clink Clink.

"You playing your shitty little instrument and him building friggin tables is going to bite you both in the ass in the long run!" he chuckled; "Well only one of you now, I guess."

Let it go in one ear and out the other.

God Noah, I'm trying.

"You need to get your priorities straight! Or else you're going to end up dead, just like he did!"

I bit down on my tongue so hard that I bit through the skin and began to taste blood.

I heard him spit, "And learn how to cook good food! Will you? God that tasted like shit!"

After five more minutes of him telling me how terrible of a person I was I figured I couldn't take much more of it or else I was going to explode. So, I went up to my room. In my head I kept telling myself that what he was saying didn't matter. It's not true, none of it is true.

It took everything in me to finally convince myself that he was drunk and he didn't know what he was talking about. When I finally calmed myself down I grabbed my homework and a flashlight just in case it got dark out while I was still working. I headed down the stairs when I knew the coast was clear and grabbed a blanket out of the hallway closet, ignoring the bathroom door as best as I could. I stepped out of the house and felt an immense amount of pressure lifted off of me. There was mist in the air and just above the trees you could see the sun beginning to set. It caused the sky to be a mixture of pink, yellow, and orange.

After I got myself settled on the ground I lay down on my stomach and began to work on my algebra homework which included equations that took me forever to solve. Then I tried to figure out how me and Brady were going to do this craptastic project. It seemed impossible to me. I really hope he knows more than I do. If he doesn't then I'm totally screwed. No, we're both totally screwed. I'd rather not think about it…

I laid my forehead down on my arm and closed my eyes for a minute. The wind blew against the back of my neck which sent a wave of chills down my back. I listened to the different sounds that it made. The way it whistled while it blew through the trees and brushed up against each leaf that was hanging from the branches. It caused my muscles to relax.

I sat like that for a while until I felt like it was dark enough for the stars to be out. When I looked up sure enough there they were, billions and billions of stars. Each one of them was so far away. I lay down on my back now and gawked at their beauty. It's moments like these where I really truly love La Push. Where I actually feel like time stopped and it was just me sitting there, staring up at them.

A noise coming from the woods caused me to shoot upright in alarm. My attention was no longer on the stars; it was on that one small noise. It began to get louder as whatever was disturbing my peace got closer. And when I got a small glimpse of what it really was I didn't feel as tense. I felt relief.

The dark brown wolf was barely noticeable through the layer of shrubs that covered the forest floor, but it being one of the hugest animals I've ever seen I knew it was him. I laid my head back down onto the blanket and watched as it began creeping closer to the edge of the forest. I didn't blink just in case it felt like disappearing on me. I haven't seen him in a week, so you could only imagine how surprised I was to see it here so close to my backyard.

I waited for the wolf to move closer, but he didn't. He just stood there and watched me watching him.

"I know you're there," I said in an attempt for it to come out of hiding, "And I'm not scared," since the wolf seemed to understand what I was saying last time I figured I'd talk to it in the same way.

After two more minutes of the magnificent creature just standing there it finally gave in and came out of the forest. My eyes never left the wolf's because they seemed so familiar, but when his gaze began to wander I let go of that. He started to stare at my house with cautious eyes.

"It's ok," I whispered to the animal, "Even if they saw you they wouldn't care," he looked back at me and then at my wrist. I followed his stare and began to run my finger all over the purple bruise, sighing, "I'm sick of not feeling good enough," the words came out too fast for me to stop them. But I didn't really care that I was spilling the truth because I knew I didn't have to be afraid of the wolf telling someone else, "He always tells me how I don't respect him. But how can you respect someone who doesn't respect you?"

I looked up at the creature and he slowly walked closer to me and lowered himself onto the ground, with his head on his paws, until he was so close that our noses were practically touching. I ran my fingers through the wolf's fur once, noticing how its eyes never left my face, "I'm trying so hard not to give up," at this point I didn't mind talking to a wolf that seemed to understand everything I was saying. It didn't bother me anymore, "I keep telling myself that things will get better, but I'm losing hope."

He whimpered softly and pressed his wet nose to my forehead. I closed my eyes and started wondering what my brother would think of all of this. Knowing Noah, he would probably react the same way I did. He wouldn't be afraid or hate the wolf. He'd be fascinated by it. And as I massaged the wolf's fur I imagined Noah here with me, holding onto this moment –as rare and precious as it was- like it was going to disappear at any given time.

I could feel the wolf's eyes on me as I got lost in my own thoughts and my eyes fluttered open only to be confirmed that it was true, he was staring at me. I didn't know what it was about this animal that had me feeling like I needed it, but I did. I felt like if he were to suddenly disappear then I wouldn't be able to put up with life anymore, because nothing else seemed quite worth it except for this animal right here.

Keeping my hand on the wolf's neck I lay on my back once again and stared up at the blanket of stars that cluttered the black sky. Everything felt like it was in place for once. I let the minutes pass me by, thinking about nothing but the stars, the wolf, and the small rectangular area of peace I was lying on.

It was perfect, until a howl interrupted the quiet. The wolf jerked its head up and looked over its shoulder. I watched him curiously and pulled my hand away when I realized exactly what that one howl meant. It felt as if I was being sucked back into the black hole that I call life when the creature beside me suddenly stood up. In response to his action I sat up and supported my weight with my hands. He must've heard my movement because the next thing I knew he turned back towards me and stared with a look of regret and…longing.

Knowing that I couldn't keep him all to myself I encouraged him to go, "You can't stay here forever," I said, but feeling the way I did two minutes ago made me want to say the exact opposite. The wolf whimpered again and lowered his head to my level, "Just go," I stood up now, trying to show him that I was fine with it.

The animal took two steps forward and then stopped himself. Maybe he heard something that I didn't, because it seemed as if he was going to come closer and he stopped in an alarmed sort of way. He looked back toward the forest one more time and I looked along with him to see if I could see anything, no such luck. It was a bittersweet moment, watching the wolf walk into the forest. I felt empty inside because I knew what was waiting for me in the house behind me and yet just seeing the wolf left me with enough motivation to keep trudging through this terrible time.

With my hands hanging by my side I stared down at the blanket I was standing on and then my gaze moved on to the flashlight. The idea that suddenly popped into my head was both ridiculous and pointless, but oddly comforting at the same time. I picked up the small device and held it in my hands, clicking the light on and off several times before I decided that I didn't care how pointless this might be. I wanted to escape.

My feet began moving swiftly before I could confirm that this was what I really wanted to do. I let the flashlight be my guide through the trees as I tried to find some sign of the wolf. It didn't have to be the actual thing. I guess that all I really wanted to know is that it was close by and not completely gone. I began moving faster until I found the first sign. A paw print was imprinted into the mud. I flashed the light in the area close by it to make sure that there were more and sure enough there were.

Don't you dare.

I ignored my conscience, Noah, for the time being. Besides, I didn't have to listen to him every second of every day.

I knew I was getting closer when I started hearing animal noises ahead of me and as soon as I heard those noises I turned off my flashlight. They went along the lines of heavy breathing, growling, and something else I couldn't exactly put a name to. Against my better judgment, though, I went towards the noises and waited until I finally saw him…them. There were two of them, one smaller than the other -which was the wolf I was looking for- and the other that towered over him looking big, with bulky features and a silver coat. The silver wolf looked vicious compared to the dark brown one.

I tried to keep my distance while I watched the two of them, looking as if they were having a private conversation by the way their eyes and expressions kept changing. It was weird to say the least. Watching these two animals was like watching humans talking to one another. Sure, we can use words, but we also use facial expressions which is what it reminded me of.

In an attempt to adjust my position so I was hidden behind the shrubs even more I took a step to my right. As soon as I did this a twig snapped from underneath my foot and everything seemed to stand still. I stared at the animals as they reacted to the noise, their ears twitching. It wasn't so much the dark brown wolf I was scared of, it was more the silver one. Since I didn't know what it was capable of I was scared shitless. And when its eyes were right on me I was practically peeing in my pants. Its eyes narrowed at me and it started growling. I was going to run, but I knew that it could easily catch up to me. So, it was either stand here and get killed or run and get killed.

To my surprise, the dark brown wolf turned its head and looked straight into my eyes with a look in them that was telling me to get the hell out of here. But all I did was watch as the wolf crouched down in a defensive position and fiercely growled back at its pack member. And the next thing I knew I was running towards my house, the one place I never thought I'd run to. All that I heard was constant snarling behind me and all I thought was that I had to keep running.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I even consider going off into the woods? God, I bet I killed him, like everything else. Would a wolf kill its own pack member? I shuddered at the thought, hoping that the answer to that question was no. As I paced back and forth in my backyard, I kept seeing flashes of the one day when my whole world crumbled down. I kept hearing me calling out his name and gun shots in my head. It had been nearly an hour and the woods were dead silent. Couldn't the wolf just come here and show me that he was fine? Maybe I'm overestimating his abilities. Even if he did seem ten times smarter than a regular wolf, maybe he wouldn't think about coming here again. Or maybe he's just dead…

Bang.

I flinched at the sound. Please don't be dead. I don't think I can live on knowing that I killed this wolf.

Bang.

I fell to my knees and put my face in my hands. This is bad, really really bad. Why the hell did I feel like I just had to see this animal again? Why did I have to get my hopes up?

Another sound startled me, but it wasn't the sound of a trigger being pulled or a bullet being shot. I looked up and to my right, sighing in relief from what I saw.

The wolf looked at me reassuringly, as if he was telling me that he was fine. I got up from where I was and slowly moved towards him, "Did he hurt you?" I asked.

He cocked his head to the side and I took another step closer, finally able to get a good look at him. The only spot on him where I saw damage was his neck. There were teeth marks, but they weren't deep. I felt an invisible weight lifted off of me then and shook my head from side to side, "It was my fault."

The wolf nudged me with his muzzle as if denying it, telling me I was wrong. I knew that that thing was his pack brother, but even then what if I got him killed? I couldn't think about that any further. The only thing I could think about was that this one creature was the one thing that really mattered anymore.