Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Sorry, but I'm going to give a quick plug to another piece of writing I recently posted – a one-shot from Ray's point of view set at an indefinite point fairly early in season 13, called Strange and Beautiful. I'd be intrigued to hear what you think of it, so if you've got a moment to check it out and leave a review; that would be great.

The days passed, and things between them slipped further. Neela had deliberately been avoiding him, scared of what he might say to her. It hadn't meant to turn out like this; she hadn't meant to leave him alone on the sofa. She had been happily nestling in his arms, resting her head on his chest and feeling content and safe, his heartbeat in her ear lulling her to sleep when the phone rang. Not wanting him to wake, she jumped up, grabbing a blanket off the back of the sofa, and ran over to answer it quickly, winding it around herself as she went.

'Hello?'

'I'm sorry Neela, I didn't wake you did I?' Michael's voice was full of concern for her.

'No, no, I was…' She didn't feel up to finishing that sentence. 'How are you anyway? I haven't heard from you for a while, what's happening out there at the moment?' She made her voice as normal as possible, thinking that maybe if she could make everything sound okay, it somehow would be okay.

She let Michael chat away about the work; some guys that he had treated, a little Iraqi boy who he had played football with in the street, a grumble about the food. His words washed over her, and she wrapped herself in their familiarity.

'Anyway, enough about me,' he finally ended. 'What's going on with you? You sound a bit down.'

'Oh, I'm just tired, it's been a tough few days. It's been busy at work, and I haven't been sleeping very well.' The lies were burning in her throat, but she trotted them out as if they were nothing.

'Poor thing.' He was all sympathy and care. 'Oh, and about what I was saying the other day, are you looking for somewhere else to live yet? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Barnett for what he's doing for you,' Oh no, you don't, she thought. Not if you knew. 'But I know what he's like, and living with him can't be easy on you. I want you to start looking for a place for us. Even though I can't be with you right now, you're still my wife, and we can afford to set up a home together.'

Panic clutched at her heart at the idea of having to leave Ray. Coming home at night and him not being there? The very thought of it scared her rigid.

'Well, I can start looking if you want, but I'd rather do it while you were here; it's going to be your house too.' She stalled, hoping it would work. She knew she was just putting off the inevitable and she had to face up to things sometime, but not now, not yet. Not after that wonderful, amazing experience with Ray. His tenderness and the look in his eyes had told her something that she didn't dare to believe may be true.

To her relief, Michael bought it. 'Whatever you say Neela, whatever makes you happy.' Happy? She wasn't sure what that even was at the moment. 'As long as you don't mind being stuck with him and whatever bit of stuff is hanging around him these days.'

She didn't reply, swallowing hard against the feeling of nausea at his words that sprang up in her throat.

She was saved from answering by the sound of some commotion coming crackling down the phone line. Somewhere in the distance, she could hear shouting, and she could just about pick out Michael's name.

'I'm sorry Neela, I've got to go. Something's just kicked off and I have to go see…'

'That's okay, I can hear it's hectic there. Call me soon.'

'Bye Neela, take care. I love you.'

'You too.' Although it wasn't exactly a lie, she couldn't actually make herself say that she loved him too. She did, but she wasn't sure if it was enough anymore. If she had never met Ray, Michael would be more than enough to keep her happy forever, but she had met Ray, and now nothing was ever how she thought it was.

Putting the phone down, she turned from where she was sitting, to look at Ray. He looked young and vulnerable lying there, a soft smile on his face. She wanted to go back to him, to curl up in his arms, and pretend that nothing in the world existed except this apartment, and this moment, and them. But how could she after she had just been talking to her husband? She didn't deserve to be happy with either of them.

She went over to Ray, and gently covered him with the blanket that she had been clutching to herself, bending down to kiss him on the cheek. Then she withdrew to her own room, lying on the bed, cold and alone; the escape of sleep far away.

In the days that followed though, she knew that he hadn't forgiven her for leaving him that night. She hadn't forgiven herself either, but she had had no choice. It created even more tension between them, and she couldn't bear it, so she had just stayed away. She swapped a few shifts with Abby so she worked at different times, and when he was in the apartment, she stayed in her room.

Abby noticed her depression, and pinned her down about it one afternoon, having dragged Neela shopping for baby things with her.

They were ambling slowly down the street when Abby brought it up.

'Neela, are you okay?'

'Oh, what? Yes, sorry I wasn't paying attention, I…' Her poor attempt at covering up her absence of mind reminded Abby strongly of someone else she knew.

'Honey, I know.'

Something about Abby's voice told Neela that she knew exactly what was on her mind. Part of her was annoyed at Ray for having spoken about it to someone else, but she couldn't begrudge him a confidante, and she had to admit, she was a little relieved to have someone to talk to herself. Besides, she trusted Abby absolutely.

'He told you? When?'

'He didn't have to tell me about it. He was… well, behaving pretty much like you are now actually, and I made a bit of clever guesswork. It was just after it happened, the night after you were meant to be moving into my place.'

'Oh, Abby. I don't know what to do, it's all just… awful.'

Abby reached out and squeezed her arm in reassurance. 'Come on, let's find somewhere to sit and talk about this properly.'

They wandered to the park, and settled on one of the benches. 'So, where do you want to start?'

'Well, at the beginning I suppose. That night I was going to leave, he came home, and he saw that I was going and he looked so devastated, Abby. I never thought anything I could do could make him feel so strongly, but the look on his face…' Neela tried to push that look out of her mind; his hurt hurt her even more.

'I'm not quite sure how it all happened. We were in the doorway and I had my bags, the cab was waiting outside, but somehow I never got there. We ended up in his bed instead…'

Neela looked appealingly at Abby, wanting her opinion. She hadn't realised how much she needed to talk about this.

'And?' Abby had a twinkle in her eye.

'And what?'

'And you know what. What was it like?'

'What do you mean? What was it like giving in to lust and cheating on my husband and becoming an adulteress and starting an affair and losing my best friend and…' She put her head in her hands and groaned. 'God, I don't know how all this happened, but now it has and it's all spiralling out of control.'

Abby pulled her into a hug as Neela began to cry. 'Hey, hey, it's okay. Sorry for teasing you. But it's not that bad, not enough for tears anyway. ' She offered her a tissue which she took gratefully.

'Yes, it is. It's a nightmare that I keep hoping I'm going to wake up from but I don't.'

'Come on then, let's go through this a step at a time.' Abby tried to rationalise it all a bit for her. 'We'll deal with the Michael thing first. I know how guilty you must be feeling; I know you, and I can imagine what this is doing to you. What you've got to ask yourself is, is this all because Michael isn't here and you're lonely, or does it go deeper than that?'

Neela sighed. She had known that Abby would make her face all the difficult questions that she had been avoiding asking herself.

'To begin with, I tried to tell myself it was the loneliness; I even tried in my mind to blame it on Michael for leaving. But I don't think like that now. It does go deeper than that. I'm scared by just how deep it might be.'

'So, you don't love Michael anymore then?'

'I do love him. I miss him and I wish he was here, but at the same time, I'm glad he's not, because then I couldn't be... He called a few nights ago, and it was good to hear from him. But I don't think I'm in love with him. Talking to him was like talking to a friend, or a brother…Not a husband. But it doesn't stop the guilt. I hate myself so much for what I'm doing to him. He's one of the nicest, best men I've ever known, and I feel honoured that I am his wife, and disgusted with what I'm doing to him, but…'

'But?'

'But Ray…'

This would be telling, Abby thought. She knew how Ray felt about Neela, and she was fairly sure the feelings were reciprocated, but she wasn't certain.

'All right, that leads us onto the other part of this then. How do you feel about Ray? Deep down, Neela, you've got to be honest with yourself.' Abby looked at her seriously.

'I love him Abby. I love him in the way I should love Michael. All I can think about is him, all of the time. My life was so boring and dull and pedestrian until I met him, and having him in my life has just… Michael said he wanted me to start looking for somewhere for us to move into when he comes home, and the thought of not living with Ray anymore…' She shook her head. 'I couldn't do it, I actually put Michael off, I couldn't bring myself to leave.'

Abby sat back on the bench. This was exactly what she had thought was going on. But things were complicated, they were both two of the most stubborn people she had ever met, and getting them to admit their feelings to each other, rather than just her, would be hard. And there was still Michael, an insurmountable obstacle.

'Neela, I think you need to face up to what's going on. The way I see it is you're in a marriage that you aren't happy in and you're in love with someone else. You can't keep burying your head in the sand.'

She knew she was being forceful, and a little harsh, but she decided Neela needed a bit of a shake. Michael was a good guy, and Abby didn't like good people getting hurt. The sooner everything was out in the open, the better.

'But what's the point?' Neela jumped up and began to pace around. 'Michael is a good, kind man who I like and respect, and he loves me. I can have a good life with him. What would happen to me if I left him and went off with Ray? I'd have a few weeks of fantastic sex before he got bored and dropped me like a stone for the next pretty young thing to come along. I would have given up everything, and for what? A broken heart and a roommate I couldn't look in the face.'

Abby looked at her doubtfully. Did Neela not realise Ray's feelings for her? Because if she didn't, she could understand why this decision seemed so difficult for her.

'Honey, I think you really need to talk to Ray.'

'Why do you say it like that?'

'It's not my place to say.' Abby tried to backpedal, wishing she hadn't got involved. 'Really, Neela. You and Ray actually have to do some talking for a change.'

'I think we've proved talking isn't our strong point, so if you know something that I don't, you had better tell me.' Neela looked at her warningly.

'All I'm prepared to say is that are you sure you've got Ray right on this one? I think you might be underestimating his feelings, that's all.'

'I…'

Abby was voicing a thought that had occurred to Neela a few times over the last few days. His reaction to her when he accused her of just being after sex and the hurt looks he had been shooting at her on the rare occasions their paths had crossed lately had sparked the thought that maybe there was more to this than she thought, but she couldn't bear the disappointment if she was wrong.

'I don't even dare to hope that he feels the same about me as I do about him.' She sounded scared, Abby thought.

'Why would you think he doesn't?'

'Well, because…' she squirmed awkwardly. 'Why would Ray want to be with someone like me? I'm not pretty or easy or popular or funny or anything like all the girls he normally goes for. All we ever do is fight, even back when things were normal; we're so different. It would be a disaster. And staying with Michael would be… safe. I might not be happy but I won't get hurt.'

Abby didn't know what to say. She put her arms around her, and hugged her tightly. 'Like I say Honey, I think you really need to talk to Ray.'