Chapter 6

Alone

10 October 1976

By the time we reached the hospital wing, I was overcome with silent sobs again. Madam Pomfrey quickly attended to my wounds and then, to my surprise and great relief, she gave me a sleeping draught. I slept until Sunday morning in a dreamless sleep, skipping all of Saturday. When I woke up it was to find a bright sun streaming through the window and Euphemia sitting beside my bed.

"Well good morning sunshine," Euphemia said. "Your father was beginning to worry; he thought you'd never wake up. But I told him that you would wake when you were ready."

"Fleamont's here too?" My voice sounded strange to me.

"Well of course he's here. He wanted to come as soon as we received the owl from Dumbledore. But I reasoned with him and convinced him to wait until morning. He's only just stepped out for a moment now. He'll return soon; I'm sure of that. Are you thirsty? Would you like some water?"

"Actually can I have some pumpkin juice instead?"

"Certainly." Euphemia smiled and walked around the dividing partition and out of sight.

As I heard the pouring of liquid, I pushed myself up into a sitting position and looked around. From what I could tell the hospital wing was deserted apart from Madam Pomfrey, Euphemia, and myself. Light was streaming though each of the windows, and sitting on the small table beside my bed were the broken pieces of my wand and my busted telescope.

"I wouldn't worry about them too much dear," Euphemia said as she returned with my juice. "Once Poppy says you're well enough, we're going to go shopping."

"Shopping?" I asked, puzzled, before taking a sip of my drink.

"Well of course dear. You can't do your lessons without a proper wand."

I didn't have a chance to respond because both Fleamont and James walked around the partition then. James just stood back and watched with a downcast look on his face as Fleamont swept me into a large hug. I knew from his mannerisms that James had already been scolded. I smiled apologetically at him over Fleamont's shoulder; James just shrugged and gave me a faint smile in return.

XXX

Madam Pomfrey kept me in the hospital wing until after noon; she called down to the kitchen and had a few lunch plates sent up for the four of us. She released me after that and Euphemia swept me off for our afternoon of shopping. We arrived in the alley behind The Leaky Cauldron before entering into Diagon Alley. It wasn't as busy was it usually was before the start of school, but there were still a fair amount of witches out shopping.

We walked down the street, heading towards our first shop of the day. Euphemia's deep royal blue robes flowed gently behind her. Her hair was in its usual braid that sat upon her head as if it were a crown. The gray strands were intermingled with the black weave and when the sunlight touched them, they shimmered like silver. I, on the other hand, was dressed in casual Muggle wear with my hair down to cover the scars. Euphemia thought it best to buy me new school robes first. My robes, of course, could have been fixed with a simple repairing charm, but Euphemia thought I would appreciate all new robes to keep the nightmares away. I didn't really think it would help much, but there was no arguing against Euphemia once she had her mind set.

We were in the robe shop for about an hour before walking out with our purchase and heading down the road to Ollivander's for a new wand. Euphemia first explained that my wand was snapped in an accident, and, as she laid it on the counter, she asked if there was any way Mr. Ollivander could repair it. Unfortunately he couldn't, and instead he set about bringing out other wands that were similar to mine. I tried several wands made of beech and a few that had unicorn hair, but none of them worked for me. When it became clear that I was not going to be selected by the same kind of wand as my former, Mr. Ollivander began to bring out several random wands for me to try. Each box lay open on the counter, there were about ten this time I guess. I closed my eyes and let my hand trace lightly over the wands, waiting, hoping one would choose me; I didn't know what would happen if a wand didn't select me. At last, I felt a sort of heat radiating from the wand beneath my fingers. I opened my eyes and held the thin piece of wood tenderly in my hand. Immediately my body was filled with the same heat that flowed earlier as the magic pulsed inside of me.

"This is it," I said softly.

"Well, give it a try," Euphemia encouraged from over my shoulder.

I gripped the wand a little tighter and with all the confidence I could muster, I murmured, "Lumos." A white light, strong and steady, shot forth from the tip of my wand.

"Good! Very good!" Mr. Ollivander cheered as he picked up the box. "Eleven and a half inches, Holly with Phoenix feather. A strange pairing, but a strong one."

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Ollivander." Euphemia paid for my new wand while I placed it back in its box and placed the box in the one of our bags.

We had spent nearly two hours in Ollivander's, but we only had one other place to go: the magical instruments shop to purchase a new telescope. I knew Euphemia put this stop off for last because she knew it'd probably be hardest for me. And indeed, it was the hardest. I didn't know how I could even look at another telescope when all I saw was my shattered one. Nevertheless though, I did end up picking out a new model, however half-heartedly it may have been. The model I picked wasn't even going to be released until the following morning, so the shop had to order one and have it sent out to Hogwarts first thing.

After we left the last shop of the day it was around five o'clock and both Euphemia and I were a little hungry, so we went to one of the café's and had dinner outside under the umbrella. All day Euphemia and I had kept up a casual conversation; Euphemia made sure to keep the conversation away from school, until dinner time that is.

"So, how are classes going so far?"

I shrugged, "Alright I guess." Euphemia, of course, knew nothing of the nightmares I'd been having or of my attempts to tire myself out. "We've been working on non-verbal spells. I've managed one or two of them already."

"I have no doubt that you have. You're very brilliant you know. And how's James doing? Is he still watching you like a hawk?"

I couldn't help the small smile that spread on my face. "Not as much as he used to."

"Good."

"That's probably why I'm in this mess anyways."

"Kate!" Euphemia suddenly scorned loudly. "I will not have you say anything of the sort again. This is not your fault. Do you understand?" She looked at me severely and I could feel myself cowering before her.

"Yes ma'am. Sorry."

"Good, now that that's all settled." She smiled. Euphemia took a small bite of her salad and we settled into a, mildly, comfortable silence for a few minutes. "So, that Lupin boy—what's his name?"

"Remus."

"Yes, well he seems very nice."

"He is," I responded without thinking. Euphemia flashed me a mischievous smile; I could definitely see where James got his from.

"He came to visit you quite frequently. Sirius and that other boy were there too, but Mr. Lupin came quite frequently."

I could feel the blush creeping over my cheeks; I ducked my head to try and hide behind my hair. "He's just a friend." And he probably still feels guilty.

"I don't know; he had that look."

"What look?"

"The look that say's he cares about you very much."

My heart filled with hope and I had to quickly push it aside. "He's just a friend," I said again.

"Hmm."

"And even if there was anything else there, which there isn't, James—James would never allow it. He doesn't want me dating his friends."

"Ah, James. I can see how that would be difficult. Well, do you want to know what I have to say about that?" She didn't wait for me to respond, "What James doesn't know, won't hurt him." She smiled warmly at me and I returned a small smile of my own. "It's getting late; we should get you back to school."

Euphemia flagged the waitress over to pay our bill while I gathered what few bags we had. We didn't bother walking back to The Leaky Cauldron but disapparated from the cafe and arrived back in front of the gates of Hogwarts. Hagrid, the grounds keeper, met us to let us in; though, I'm not sure how he knew to get there when he did. Fleamont was sitting on one of the stone benches in the entrance hall reading the Daily Prophet. When he saw us, he leapt up and gathered me into another large hug while jumping into a string of questions that were all related to how I was doing.

"Fleamont, let her breathe. My goodness; Kate is fine. How many times must I tell you that?" Euphemia said as she pried Fleamont's arms off of me. "Kate, dear, why don't you put your bags down over there? The house-elves will make sure they get to your room."

"Do you need anything else pumpkin? Anything at all?" Fleamont asked as I set my bags down. I shook my head no. "Don't hesitate to ask. You know, I'll give you anything you want."

I shook my head again. "I'm fine, Fleamont, really. I'm just a bit tired still."

"Alright, if you're sure then."

"I am."

I said goodbye to Fleamont and Euphemia, after yet another large hug from Fleamont, before heading into the great hall to join my fellow classmates at dinner. I was worried about the attention I would draw going in so late because I didn't know how much people knew about the…incident. When I opened the large double doors, all eyes turned on me, as I feared they would, but fortunately they all turned away again when they say it was just me. I quickly found James and the guys at the table and sat down in the empty spot next to Sirius.

"Mum and Dad gone?" James asked. I nodded.

"Are you feeling better, Kate?" James' girlfriend, Lizzy, asked.

Her question confused me for a moment, but Sirius quickly explained. "You fell ill on Friday, remember? That's why you've been in the hospital wing all weekend. Maybe you should go back to Madam Pomfrey if you're still not well."

"I'm fine. I feel much better now actually. Things are still just a bit fuzzy. Madam Pomfrey says that's typical with a fever."

"So you're alright then?" Lizzy asked again. I nodded. "Good, maybe James will cheer up now. He's been very worried about you."

"He's just being a good brother."

"Of course he is! James is good at everything." There was a moment of slight awkwardness as Lizzy beamed at James. "Right, well, I promised Eliza that I'd talk to her after dinner, so I'll see you later. Bye James." She kissed him quickly on the lips, but I could tell that he wasn't really that into their relationship any more. "Bye, Kate. I'm glad to see you're feeling better." I nodded as she pranced off.

"I think it's time you break up with her," Sirius said once she was out of hearing range.

"Maybe," James responded dully.

"I like her," I said. "She's a lot less bothersome than some of the other girls you've dated."

"Yeah, like that Emily girl last year," Peter piped in. "She was atrocious."

Sirius murmured his agreement while stuffing his mouth with food. I noticed that James wasn't really eating his; he was more or less just moving things around on his plate. I didn't even have a plate.

"Aren't you going to eat something, Kate?" Peter asked as he shoved a spoonful of potatoes into his mouth.

"I'm not hungry," I responded.

"Kate, you need to eat something," James insisted.

"Look who's talking." I pointed to his plate of food.

"I didn't miss a whole day's worth of meals, either. Now eat."

"I already have. Euphemia and I ate in Diagon Alley."

"Oh... well, you didn't tell us that."

I chose not to respond and looked around the table instead. I suddenly realized that someone was missing from our little quintet.

"Where's Remus?" The three boys just looked at me like I was daft.

"He's… you know," Sirius tried motioning with his hands and it suddenly dawned on me what tonight was.

"Oh! Oh, right. It's—it's Sunday." How could I forget that tonight was the full moon? "So, I guess that means you'll be…?"

"Yeah," James answered. I looked away sadly. "Unless… unless you need us to stay here?"

I looked at him astonished. I couldn't believe that he was actually offering to give up his night out of the castle for me, and judging by the similar astonished looks on Peter and Sirius' face, they couldn't believe it either. What struck me as even more surprising though, was how much I wanted to say 'yes I need you stay.' I did not want to face the night alone. Just as I was about to open my mouth and beg James not to go, I thought of Remus. Without the guys there to help him, Remus would turn back to fighting with himself. How could I do that to Remus? How could I be so selfish? I quickly composed myself.

"What?" I tried to make it sound like James' suggestion was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. "No, no you go. Remus needs you. I'll be alright." Sirius and Peter looked relieved instantly, but James still seemed on edge.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm still a bit tired from that sleeping draft. I think I'm just going to head to bed now anyways." I faked a yawn for emphasis.

"Oh, alright. Good night then."

"Good night," I said as I stood up. I left the great hall without looking back.

In the Gryffindor Tower I went to the sixth year girls dormitory to find it empty; the other girls must have still been at dinner. Good. My shopping bags were sitting at the foot of my bed already, with the exception of my new wand which had been laid out on the bedside table. I ignored them for the time being and instead I pulled the curtains closed, cast a silencing charm around the bed, and crawled under the covers, pulling them up over my head. I didn't want anyone to hear the thunderous sobs that erupted from deep within.

I cried for several reasons that night. I cried for my broken telescope. I cried for self pity and a forgotten past. I cried for an unrequited love. I cried for helplessness. I cried for the little girl in the fire. I cried because I was alone. I was alone, both literally and symbolically. There was no one around to comfort me. There was no one around to talk to. I felt utterly alone. The afternoon with Euphemia had helped ease my suffering, a little, but it was often times difficult to relate to her. Euphemia was very defined; she was static. She knew exactly who she was, and I—I had no clue.

I lay there for hours while, what felt like years, of anguish gushed from my eyes. I cried more in those few hours than I ever had in my six years of remembering. I screamed out my frustrations as I beat my hands on my pillow. It was a good thing I was so good at the silencing charm, otherwise Lily might have thought it necessary to place me in the mental ward at St. Mungo's.

I wished more than anything that Remus could have been there to hold me like he had in the Headmaster's office. I had never felt more secure or more at ease than I did in his arms. But I knew that despite whatever Euphemia thought, there could never be anything between Remus and me. How could he ever see me as anything more than just a friend? Or worse, a baby sister; one he had to protect. This thought, of course, only led to more tears and a different kind of anguish.

XXX

Any other person probably would have cried themselves to sleep, but, after I'd cried myself dry, I was too terrified to sleep. Not only did I have the reoccurring nightmare about the girl in the house, but now I had the real-life nightmare of the astronomy tower to worry about. No, I could not sleep. And in an attempt to stay awake, I recited various potions from memory. I don't know how long I'd been lying there when I thought I felt something crawling on me. I slowly pulled the covers back to look around, and, wouldn't you know it, there was a fat rat sitting on my leg. Spending so much time with the Marauders had made me accustomed to seeing weird or creepy things, so I didn't scream. I was puzzled though; I didn't think Hogwarts had rats, but then I noticed something strangely familiar about the rat. It was the eyes. I recognized those beady, black eyes.

"Peter?" I questioned. The rat didn't speak, of course, but its head dropped down slightly and then he lifted it up again. It was almost as if he were nodding at me.

"What are you doing here, Pete? What if one of the girls saw you? Lily would have hexed you." I was certain by now that this was in fact Peter in his Animagus form sitting on my bed, but Lily wouldn't have known that; she would have just thought it was an ordinary rat.

Peter scurried to the bottom corner of the bed and looked in the direction of the door. Then, he looked back at me before looking to the door again.

"What? Do you—do you want me to follow you?" Peter looked back at me and seemed to give me another nod of his head before disappearing over the side of the bed.

Well, I can't say that this was the strangest thing Peter had done, but it was among the top twenty. I was left with two options. I could follow blindly after Peter, or I could ignore his odd antics and lay back down. If I did the former I might have to explain my own odd behavior. If I did the latter, I could continue to wallow in my own misery, alone. I was heavily leaning towards staying put and ignoring Peter. But…what if Peter had come to me because something had happened? A stag or a dog couldn't easily sneak into the girl's dormitory, but a rat could. What if there was another attack? What if something happened to Remus?

Without hesitating a moment longer, I grabbed my wand and flung the curtains back. Peter the rat was standing in the middle of the floor watching my bed. When he saw me get up, he ran to the door. I looked around the room and saw that the girls were all asleep before I followed after him. Peter led me over to the sixth year boy's dormitory before transforming back to his human self. I looked around the room anxiously; it was empty.

"What's going on Peter? What's wrong? Did something happen?" I tried to remain calm and not panic.

Peter shrugged. "Everything's fine."

"Then why are you here?"

"You seemed a little…down at dinner. I thought maybe, you could use a friend. So, I told James that I was coming back to keep you company."

"What about Remus? He needs you."

"James and Sirius can handle it. All I really do is get them in and out of the Shrieking Shack anyways."

"Peter, I…" I faltered in my resolve. I couldn't believe that he had come back for me; that I wouldn't have to spend the night alone after all.

"Look, I stopped by the kitchens on my way in and picked up a few snacks for us. I got a few games out as well we could play. Sirius taught me this Muggle card game, Crazy Eights; it's kind of dull, but it's real simple. I'd know you'd pick up on it right away. Or there's exploding snap, if we use a few silencing charms."

"I—I don't know what to say."

"How about, 'pass the creampuffs?'" Peter suggested as he sat on the floor by his bed.

I smiled. "A creampuff sounds delightful, actually." I took one of the sweet desserts from the platter in Peter's outstretched hand as I sat across from him. "So, what's this Muggle card game you mentioned?"