Chapter 7: Frank x Prometheus

Realm: 6.2 (Neo-Tokyo 1988)

Present Day (CH)

Frank had expected Red Dick to lead him to a fortified bunker or an ammunition stockpile, but instead they had travelled back to their home-dimension and were now checking into a sleazy motel. This didn't make any sense. If Red Dick had a plan for rescuing Ian and Safari Man, then it had to involve some way of evening the odds against the slavs. What they were doing right now was like the beginning of a shitty porno video.

Frank turned to Red Dick, who was busy renting a room at the motel admission desk, and voiced his concerns.

"Dude, what the fuck are we doing here? I thought you had a plan to help me out?"

Red Dick garbled some strange, guttural language, which Frank somehow understood.

"Urrggh, ahh, umm aughh, argh. (You're going to need more power to save your friends, Frank. This is what I'm going to give you.)

Frank stood contemplating this new information as Prometheus and Pink Guy entered the motel. Pink Guy shambled over to the counter and began stuffing as many complimentary mints into his mouth as he possibly could while Prometheus approached Red Dick.

The blond, muscular Grecian God slapped on his bare chest to get the attention of his master and Red-Dick gave him the room key. This done, Prometheus sprinted out of the motel lobby and up the stairs with all the speed of a juiced-up Kenyan. Frank stood coughing in Prometheus's dust cloud, before turning back to Red Dick.

"Okay, look, that's enough. Just what hell are you planning, man?"

Red Dick took Frank to one side and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Uggh, ah, aughh,ahhhh, aurugghh. (You know what you must do, Frank. Chromosome Infusion. It's the only way for you to get stronger.)

Frank's eyes widened in horror. His filthy blue shirt was immediately drenched with sweat.

"Oh, no! No way!" He rasped.

Red Dick nodded.

"Ahhh, uggh, aughhh, urgghh, auug. Uggh, aaggh, huhhgh ugghh. (You must fuck Prometheus, Frank. He will temporarily transfer his chromosomes to you. The sex will make you powerful!)"

Frank violently shook his head from side to side.

"No, no, and no! I'm not some faggot-ass pansy, man! I am straight! I like the pussy! I live for the pussy. I have killed for pussy! I don't want some dude's dick up my poop-chute! Think of something else, cos I am not fucking your pet God!"

Red Dick narrowed his gaze at Frank.

"Argghh, uhhh, urgghh, agghh. Ughh aughh! (It's the only way. Ian and Safari Man will die without backup. Are you willing to let that happen?!)

Frank turned away and thought for a long moment. It was true; his friends were counting on him. If he ran away now, there was little chance of being able to save them. Frank still had the Uzi, of course, but he knew that simple firearms wouldn't be enough to take down an entire Slavic army. This was it. Somebody was going to be fucked today, question was, would it be Frank or his friends?

Frank thought about all the times Safari Man had made him laugh. That adorable gook who had no idea how racist his mannerisms were and who perpetuated a negative image of the Japanese by merely existing. He remembered Safari Man had taught him to play the ukulele and how they had stayed up until the early hours of the morning recording offensive songs that had sent Tumblr into a butt-hurt frenzy.

Then there was Ian. He had been part of the Cancer crew for a while now and his presence was generally well liked. He was always up for anything, with his foul mouth and imp-ish demeanour. Ian was a steadfast friend, ever ready to support his posse. He was loyal like that. Despite his devilish inclinations, the young human had a heart of gold. Sometimes Frank wondered if he even deserved him.

Frank thought about all of this and let out a heavy sigh. Then he snapped back to Red Dick and said, in his most sincere tone of voice,-

"No, let those cunts die. I am not fucking Prometheus. I don't care how muscular or handsome he is. Gay is gay, and that's that."

Red Dick shook his head in disappointment.

"Ughh, argghhh, ugaah, aughh, agghhh. (I guess I was wrong about you, Frank. Do me a favour and cancel with Prometheus yourself. I'm leaving.)

Red Dick walked out into the parking lot and Frank shouted after him.

"Really? Okay well, thanks for nothing! I guess my timetable is all clear now! Fucking, red cock motherfucker! Could have done something useful like giving me some more fucking guns, but no. You want me to butt-fuck a dude?! What a load of horseshit. I like pussy, man. And pussy likes me. Christ, wait here, Pink Guy."

Pink Guy smiled, letting all the mints spill out of his mouth and clatter onto the floor.

"Hey b0ss, can I habe de pussi? (I'll be in the toilet. Gonna eat some urinal cake.)

"Urggh, yeah fine, whatever. Have fun."

Frank reluctantly walked up the motel staircase to cancel his rendezvous with Prometheus. A hallway of doors lay before him and Frank realised that he didn't know which of the rooms Prometheus was in.

"Fuck, which one was it?!" He grated.

Realizing that he was at a loss, Frank started knocking on all of the doors, trying to ascertain which room concealed the Grecian God. It was only right to let Prometheus know that he wasn't going to get laid, otherwise the muscle-bound titan might be there all day, and Frank didn't want to get on his bad side; He already had one God that hated his guts and he didn't need a second one.

With all the subtlety of a handicapped ninja, Frank went door-to-door trying to find his friend.

[The screen cuts to raw, un-edited footage. Frank skirts along the hallway on his hands and knees until he reaches room '3'. He whacks the door a couple times and calls out-]

"Hey. Hey! I can't fuck you. I'm sorry. Listen man, thank you but no thanks. I can't fuck you man, it can't be done!"

[The door opens and a middle-aged man steps out. His face is pixelated and he speaks with palpable frustration.]

"You will stop that now. Go. Get out of here."

"I'm sorry, hey. I'm sorry, man. I thought my friend was here. He's a big guy, very muscled. He's kind of…

"I- I don't care. I don't care. You have to leave. Go, or I will call reception."

[The camera cuts to another scene. Frank knocks on the door to room '7' and yells like before-]

"Hey, sup man. What's cooking?! I can't do it man. I can't butt fuck you. You are a sexy piece of ass, but no dice buddy. No dice. Can't be done I-, hey listen up."

[Frank knocks on the door again, louder this time.]

"I'm not into gay shit. I don't want to fuck a dude. It's just not kosher, okay?! It goes against the Qur'an."

[The door opens. An elderly lady stands in the doorframe. Her face has also been pixelated.]

"Be quiet. Please be quiet. I don't appreciate this."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry ma'am. I'm looking for my friend. He's really tall. He wears speedos. He's got a great fucking bulge. Have you seen him?"

"No I- No I haven't. I don't think you should play jokes like this. It's not funny."

"No joke ma'am, there is a God on this floor who wants my ass."

"There's only one God and I-, I- don't do this again. You- you're being horrid."

"Hey look, I'm sorry. I'm real sorry, honest ma'am. I was just-"

[The door slams shut. The camera zooms-in on Frank's ruddy face.]

"It's just a prank, bro. It's just a prank."

[The camera cuts just outside of room '12' Frank does a crappy cartwheel into the frame and bangs on the door.]

"Yo! Yo man! If you wanna get laid you gonna have to call a gigolo ,man. I can't drill your ass, man, I mean it. I can't fuck you. I'm sorry."

[The door opens inwards. A young man with glasses steps out and stares in surprise. The camera re-focuses on his face while Frank tries to explain himself.]

"Oh shit, sorry. Sorry man, I'm just- I'm looking my friend he-"

"Holy crap, are you Filthy Frank?"

[Frank freezes. He looks at the camera and back to the stranger.]

"Er…sure am. But see, I need help. I'm looking for my friend. He thinks I'm gonna fuck him and I gotta call it off-"

"Are you doing a video? Oh shit! Can I be in it?"

"You got the wrong idea, fam. I need to find-"

"Dude, I love your music."

[Joji smiles and starts cracking-up. Un-able to supress his laughter, he signals for the cameraman to stop recording. The camera cuts to a more cinematic perspective outside of another room, futher up the corridor.]

Frank finally arrived at room '18'. He knocked on the door but was surprised to find it was already open. Frank could smell a familiar scent of man musk and knew that Prometheus must be inside. He walked into the motel room.

"Hey man, look the deal's off. Obviously you were just doing what Red Dick told you too, but- Holy Fuck!"

Inside the motel room, a red velvet cloth had been thrown over the bed. The lights had been turned-down low and lit candles had been placed on all the dressers and windowsills. Prometheus lay across the bed covered in rose petals. He was completely naked. Frank looked down and saw that the God's cock was a full ten inches long. His mouth gaped in astonishment, but then he quickly remembered to shut his eyes, possibly in denial of some long repressed homosexual urge.