A/N: Happy Easter everyone!

I'm sorry this took long. I had to revise the previous chapter twice, because I felt like it needed more flashbacks for context. I added two. Let me know if it's better, if the flashbacks don't fit, or if it is overly dramatic. In many ways, you guys are helping me write this.

Lots of reconciliations in this chapter. After all the angst in Eulogy, I think he deserves it.

Chapter 6

Waking Up

Kaidan

I had beautiful dreams when they said I was in a coma.

In one dream, I was married to her. We had three kids, and there was no war to keep us away from each other.

In another, she said she loved me.

Waking up is so hard when one realizes that one's dreams are not real, and when one wants them to be real.

At first, I could only hear voices. People talking about the war, lost loved ones, someone getting poisoned, and someone needing implants. Occasionally, I heard my name, and it was often paired with "Commander Shepard."

Various machines surrounded my bed. Faces peered down on me. I knew one of them, because I used to date her before I saw Shepard again on Horizon. "Relax Kaidan," Rhianna said casually. "I'm not the ghost of Christmas past."

I couldn't move much, and there was still a sharp pain inside my head.

"Just be glad that you're seeing me instead of Dr. Michel. I'm her fellow, and since you're seeing me instead of her, that means you're not in any danger anymore."

She quickly gave me the update on what happened. I couldn't understand any of the medical gibberish, but what I got from it was that my implant got rattled after the beating I took. "Your scans are now ok. But we can't let you go because we can't let you use your biotics yet."

She came by several times. The meds that she gave me tasted horrible. One of those times, I noticed a ring on her finger. Then, I remembered the letter she wrote, about her getting engaged, and how she said she could not wait for me. The guilt resurfaced. I kept her waiting. I said, "I'm sorry."

"I know." For the first time, I saw her smile.

"Congratulations." I pointed to her ring finger.

"I guess I have you to thank for that."

"Really?" I blinked.

"You helped me grow up," she said bluntly. "I guess part of me is looking for guys who I want to fix, but I realize that I have to fix myself. And luckily, someone came along who wanted me for me."

I frowned. "Not sure that was how I would have helped anyone. I was an ass for leaving you hanging."

"Yeah, you were." She looked cheerful about it. I think she really moved on. "But I can tell that you were a nice guy before."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, I was."

She took both my hands in hers. "Listen, you may have made a few mistakes along the way, but don't be sorry about trying to find yourself again."

I nodded, "Thanks." She was right though. I realized that I have lost part of myself when I lost Shepard, but when I finally realized that she was back, I found it again.

Soon, a nurse called her, and she had to leave, but before she stepped out of my room, she peeked her head back inside. "By the way, Commander Shepard tried to see you."

That definitely got me excited. "Really?"

"Good luck."

I saw her a few more times after that, but at least I never got that feeling again of her wanting to kill me secretly, even though the meds that she still gave me still tasted like poison.

A drell was temporarily transferred to my room one day. The nurses called him Mr. Nuara, and he looked familiar. Though he never said anything at first, I noticed that he kept looking sideways towards me. Then, his eyes widened, trance-like he started muttering,

Door opens. 'Should I or should I not?' She glances at an image. Hers and another's. Human. Alliance. She whispers, 'Kaidan, I would give everything to have you here.'

Because I heard my name, my curiosity got the better of me. "Do I know you?"

"No," he said plainly in his throaty voice. "But I know someone who does."

Suddenly, I remembered. I saw him in one of the files when I was Intelligence-stalking Shepard. His name was Thane Krios, an assassin. "Are you alright? You seemed…"

"I'm fine. Though these days, memories keep coming back—both those that brought joy and sadness."

Memories. I have read about the drell and their perfect memories, and I have always wondered what his association was with Shepard. "Was that memory happy or sad?"

"Both," he admitted. "She is the only friend I have had in years. She listened to me. She protected my son. But she is not mine. I thought after all these years, the gods have granted me another…but I was mistaken, because she already belonged to another."

It felt strange talking to him about her, but in many ways, it was what drew me to him. "Did you tell her about all this?"

His eyes flexed again. She says, 'You have your son again.' Pulse quickens at her smile. 'Siha,' I call her. Sapphire eyes curiously examining mine. 'My translator just glitched. What did you call me?' Lips widen. 'Siha,' I repeat, 'Someday I'll tell you what it means.'

He smiled contentedly. "No, I never did. But it does not matter. She has given me enough reason to live."

Another drell came. His son, I think. They did not talk much. The son read a lot from a prayer book, but I could tell that the visit made my new friend genuinely happy.

My new friend talked a lot about Shepard. He told me the stories that aren't in the reports: the Illusive Man setting up Horizon, how the Illusive Man almost lured them inside the Collector ship, the suicide mission itself, and many other stories. Though some of them were second hand information, at least they made me see those days in a new light.

I wanted to hear more, but my friend was transferred to another room. Udina may have had a hand in it, because he came by a few days later. At first, he said it was a social visit, but then he asked me to become a Spectre. I realized how serious his visits were.

More than anything, I wanted to see Shepard, but I could only hear about her. According to the reports, she was in Palaven. I guess it was her way to get those alliances we needed to take back Earth. I wrote her, not because Udina was getting persistent or because I needed her advice, it was because I needed to see her.

For days, I didn't get an answer. Until one day, she walked in on Udina talking about the Spectre position again, with several take out boxes in her hands. Of course, it was a little awkward. Thankfully, Udina took the cue and made his exit after curtly nodding to Shepard.

I noticed a couple of dark circles that were starting to form under her eyes. Word was she was trying to broker an alliance between the turians and the krogans. If she was tired, she must have made an effort not to show it.

"What did Udina want?" she asked as she started laying the boxes on the table.

I answered plainly, "He's offered to make me a Spectre."

"And?" Her earnest blue eyes were directed to me expectantly. "You're accepting it, right?"

"It's a big honor, and a huge responsibility. Just needed to be sure."

She opened the boxes one by one, and the room was filled with the rich aromas of various dishes that I suddenly missed. "Okay. I didn't know what you wanted so I got you some sweet and sour pork, some sushi, roast duck, roast beef, pasta, and… I forgot desert."

I suddenly burst out laughing. "How many people are coming anyway?"

"Just me. Garrus and Liara wanted to come, but…"

"Garrus is safe?" I interrupted. I remembered that I have almost forgotten to ask about him, considering that Palaven was all over the news that week.

"He's fine. In fact, he's heading his own Reaper task force. Got a really important position in the turian military." The corner of her mouth twitched slightly. "Anyway, call it a rain check. After all, I haven't seen you for more than a week, and I know how cranky you can get whenever you feel like you're starving."

I playfully shook my head. "You really do know how to take care of me."

She took out a bottle of Peruvian whiskey from the last paper bag. "And of course, I didn't forget this."

"Thanks, but I'll save that for later. Maybe when I get out, you can share it with me?"

Her hand reached out for mine. "Maybe."

"Unless you want to break me out. Doc says it had something to do with my implant. I'm good to go now, but she just finds one more test to run…"

She released my hand. "You almost died," she said in a low voice. "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

She was worried. I could tell. "I know. It's just that…waiting here is so hard when you know everyone's fighting out there."

"If you accept Udina's offer," she suggested, "maybe you can get out of here."

"Yeah, I'm definitely tempted now. And I do wish to come with you."

Her graceful eyebrow raised itself. "Even if there's a possibility that I might be a Cerberus clone or a cyborg controlled by the Illusive Man?"

I confidently shook my head. "No, I believe you now. And I'm sorry for ever doubting you. I wasn't wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you. I'm sorry."

"Forgiven." A wide smile formed on her lips. I tried to meet her eyes, which continually avoided mine.

Rolling the food-heavy table between us, she asked, "So…what will it be?" The dishes were certainly delectable, especially for a hospital food starved invalid like me, but it wasn't as tempting as she was.

I leaned forward, not taking my eyes of her slightly flustered face. "I think I'll take the one in front of me."

"The roast beef then?"

I rolled my eyes when she handed me a fork. "Yeah." She wasn't getting rid of me that easily.

Sitting on the stool beside my bed, she kept averting her eyes, and grabbed the box of roast duck. After a few minutes of silence, she blurted out what probably kept bothering her, "Why the hell didn't anyone give you a shirt?"

"Maybe I asked all the nurses to burn all the shirts so I can distract you."

She nearly choked laughing. "Don't flatter yourself Major, because I've seen it all." Her eyes slowly drew an invisible line from my head, my bare chest to my blanket covered toes. "Literally. And I'm not that easily distracted, although I wouldn't mind sending you a few shirts. After all, a major with a chest like that can be tempting to a lot of nurses."

It was my turn to laugh. I mockingly rubbed a hand across it. "Well, in that case, I'll make sure to remind everyone that this chest belongs to a certain Commander Shepard."

Our laughter echoed in the room. For some time, we sat in in silence until her eyes lowered to the floor. "God, you make it sound so easy."

"What?" I examined her, taking in every tinge of happiness and regret in her delicate face.

"Being with you. After everything. Even after Mars and Horizon. Especially Horizon."

I exhaled softly. "I know. Joker told me."

She ran her fingers through her hair. "It thought it would be easy, I mean, after how much I…how much I…"

"How much you wanted me to be there for you." The confusion in her eyes was very evident when she inquisitively directed them at me. "But it's okay. Because I made you wait. It is only natural that I wait for you too. After all, I handled Horizon, badly. Seeing you again, it sent my world spinning. I'm sorry."

At that point, I managed to reach out a hand to caress her warm cheek. She closed her eyes as if she relished that moment as much I did. "Thank you."

I wish the moment lasted longer, but she drew her face away and abruptly stood up. I continued, "Even though things are still…complicated, I just need you to know: I'm not seeing anyone, and that I still care."

Her back was turned, and it was torture not get a hint of what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I begged, "Please say something."

"I should go," she said, in the dry fashion that she usually said it, and headed towards the door.

Before she stepped out, I managed to say, "I meant what I said." I think she pondered that for a moment before stepping out.

My eyes turned to where she was sitting. She never even finished her roast duck.