Eiri's mouth falls open.
"Yeah." Tatsuha winces.
"There is a bit of age difference between us, but not much of one. Only five years." Tatsuha adds quickly. "And you know me. I don't care about that stuff."
Eiri manages to amend his expression to that of neutrality.
Despite that, the hairs at the back of his neck are prickled up.
Father is dying. He thinks. Ayaka is marrying my brother.
" Does that make you mad… or weird you out knowing that? I know, the situation is pretty strange. " Tatsuha says anxiously. " I mean… you and Ayaka did have a thing once…"
Eiri takes a long drag of his electronic cigarette.
"It doesn't matter what I think." Eiri then replies. "and what Ayaka and I had was very minor and casual. It was more of a friendship than anything else. It was also a long time ago. Moreover it doesn't matter. I don't care, as long as you're happy."
Tatusha looks stunned, as if he's gotten away with something.
Perhaps Tatsuha has, Eiri thinks.
"Wow… thanks bro. It means a lot to me you saying that. Because I… am happy about it. We're happy rather, because it was our decision. And I know I'm really lucky." Tatsuha ducks his head humbly. "Ayaka's an amazing girl. To tell you the truth, I've always had a crush on her. I was kind of jealous that you got to date her when I was teenager, but I was too young for her at that point. She was 22. I was only 17. So I thought if I wasn't right for her, I thought 'good for you man, you go for it'. I mean Ayaka is so lovely and smart. She's soft spoken, and kindhearted and gentle… a real lady. I thought she would never go for a crude dumbass like me-"
Unthinkingly, Eiri says. "I wouldn't have thought that either."
To that, Tatsuha laughs. "Ha ha! There it is!" He grins. "That's the good old crotchety bro I know!"
Eiri grimaces.
Tatsuha continues, still smiling. "I also thought Ayaka never consider me either… me being related to you and all... after what happened with you and her . But luckily for me, she has a weakness for us Uesugi men. I guess its in the genes. We're such a good looking bunch, who could resist us?"
"That must be it." Eiri says.
"I do want you to come to our wedding but…ah… " Tatsuha's smile dissipates.
Eiri remains expressionless.
Tatsuha scratches the back of his neck. "With you and Ayaka's history… it could all get even more awkward than it already is….that and Father will be there, as we're hurrying it all up while he's still healthy enough to attend… and ofcourse Mika and Tohma will be there too …."
"Yeah." Eiri nods. "I understand. I wish you all the best."
They both stare at each other.
Tatsuha cocks his head . "I … don't get it Eiri. What happened all those years ago that made you want to come here and not come back?"
Eiri looks away.
"There's so much all of you left me in the dark about." Tatsuha frowns. "I still don't know what it is that happened with you. Not even about your trip abroad years ago. I just knew whatever happened, it must have been tough. You went through a lot of 'personal shit' after that … as we both know."
The younger man even makes air quotes to emphasize his point.
When Eiri continues to say nothing, Tatsuha goes on. " I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive of you, but I was just a kid myself, and I didn't even know what was the matter because no one would tell me. I still don't really know anything. All I know is you went M.I.A for a while, and Tohma had a accident… then Mika and Tohma had some hard times in their marriage but they got through it. But after all of it, no one ever told me why you came here and why you wouldn't come home again."
Eiri finally says. "Its not something I can discuss ."
"Why not?" Tatsuha gapes. " Does… it have something to do with you being not straight?"
Eiri straightens in his seat.
"Yeah, I always knew you were gay. Or bi. Whatever Eiri." Tatsuha shrugs. " I'm cool with it. Not that there's anything to be un-cool about. Gay, straight, or all shades in between, its natural and its love and love's not a thing for anyone to look down on . And you are who you are, right?"
Eiri falls back in his seat, mouth tightly shut.
Oblivious to his reaction, Tatsuha grins cheekily . "And hey, to tell you the truth though bro, although I do love the ladies and the ladies obviously love me… as a teenager I had a few man-crushes myself! I admit I was a little too obsessed over those pop stars for it to be purely platonic… I might have bat for the other team for them for a while! Those guys were hot. Especially that one singer from-"
Eiri interrupts. "I'm glad you feel comfortable to admit that, but I'm not interested to hear about your pop star infatuations Tatsuha."
"Come on! Since we're sharing things!" Tatsuha cajoles. "So… was it about that?"
"No. Maybe. Partially." Eiri glowers tiredly. "Listen… I can't talk about it all right now. "
"Alright. We can talk about something else then! We got so much to catch up on!" Tatsuha exclaims excitedly. "Don't you want to know how Mika and Tohma and everybody else is doing?"
"No. I don't." Eiri snaps.
"Oh… That's kind of strange Eiri." Tatsuha says, now deflated. "Why don't you ?"
"Why do you care Tatsuha?" Eiri mumbles.
"Why do I care?! Because I'm your brother! We're family and family is important Eiri. I know it is to me. I want to have my own someday and of course, you have to be a part of that too!" Tatsuha says adamantly.
" You want children?" Eiri asks.
"Yeah I do." The younger man nods eagerly. " Someday. Not now obviously. A few years down the road. I mean I don't even know what I'm doing as a career, so I think I have to get my own life together first before I can even think about having a bunch of little Tatsuhas of my own!"
"…That's mature of you." Eiri comments.
"Yeah, yeah yeah. Your little brother's grown up a bit." Tatsuha scoffs. "Big surprise! What about you Eiri?"
Eiri scoffs incredulously. "Children? No. Not for me."
Why Tatsuha would ever consider children a possibility for him completely confounds Eiri. Then again, Eiri reminds himself, despite some new-found maturity, Tatsuha was always known as his 'idiot brother' for a reason.
He adds. "Its never something I felt I wanted or needed to do."
"Fair enough. Its not for everyone. You can be 'cool uncle Eiri' then. " Tatsuha makes a nudging motion towards him. "But hey… what about romance? Is there any special someone in your life ?"
Eiri says. "Ofcourse not.
"Why of course not? " Tatsuha raises a brow. "Isn't that something you want for yourself?"
Eiri says flatly. " No. I don't. I don't think its something I deserve."
"Hey bro. " Tatsuha frowns confusedly. "Why wouldn't you deserve it? "
"Its not important why." Eiri says. "Its not your business."
"But it is kind of my business. I mean I am your brother. And if you want to be with somebody , you should just go ahead and do it! I support it all the way!" Tatsuha remarks brightly. " Guy or girl, who gives a shit, as long as you're happy! I mean life's too short to be lonely, so what are you waiting for man?"
Eiri mutters. "There's a lot you don't know about me."
"Yeah, and that's because you don't tell me anything! Not then and not now! No one does. And I'd like to know why. " Tatsuha huffs sullenly." I just don't get you people! How can I be expected to run this whole big family temple when I don't even know what goes on within the household?! That's not right! And frankly I'm just sick and tired of all of the weirdness, and the silence and unspoken secrets between us all. For once I'd like a little clarity if it'd be alright with you!"
Eiri studies Tatsuha for a moment.
"You didn't just come to tell me the news about Father did you?" It dawns on him. " You came here to get your own answers."
"Maybe I came to that do too!" Tatsuha asserts and crosses his arms. "I may be the youngest and I may not be the brightest canyon in the box, but I'm part of this family too and I deserve to know what happens in it!"
Eiri sighs.
"In a way, I … respect what you're doing, but trust me Tatsuha." Eiri grits. "There are … some things better off not knowing."
"Things like what?"
"Like nothing." Eiri tells him sternly. "Just go back home and marry Ayaka. Be happy."
"I have to tell you something else." Tatsuha reports. "Ayaka is in town with me."
"What?" Eiri is taken aback. "Why?"
"She wanted to see you too Eiri." Tatsuha tells him.
The older man blinks. "To see me? To do what?"
"To talk to you. To see if you're ok." Tatsuha says, wide eyed. I'm … alright with it. And… I think it would be good because it would give closure on that period for her. Also, like you said, Ayaka was … your friend right? She's been worried about you these last few years."
Tatsuha asks. "So …will you see her?"
Eiri cannot speak for a moment.
When he can, he says. "I'll think about it."
An hour later, Eiri collapses into the armchair of his psychiatrist's office.
"I'm sorry to have called an emergency appointment. I don't mean to waste your time Dr.. So I will get to the point." Eiri places a hand over his face. "My brother came to see me today. He told me our father is dying."
Eiri doesn't bother waiting for the psychiatrist to respond. He continues. "He also told me he's going to marry my former-fiancee Ayaka Usumi. He's asking me all sorts of questions and wants to know why I'm here. "
Before the psychiatrist can comment, Eiri says "Ayaka wants to see me too. To talk to me. For what reason, I cannot fathom."
Eiri finally slides his hand away from his face.
He asks, wide eyed. "Do you think I should see her?"
His psychiatrist simply looks at him.
In a roundabout way, his psychiatrist suggests no.
"Hello…?"
Eiri hears Ayaka's soft voice at his door.
Eiri stands and turns around.
Ayaka is still wholesome looking. She is dressed in a long purple silken dress with ethereally pale lilac flowers printed all over it..
"Eiri…" She utters.
As if in a trance, Eiri walks towards to her.
Ayaka looks like a vision from the past. In a way she is.
When they stand before each other, Eiri sees that Ayaka is crying,
"You look beautiful." Eiri tells her.
" No I do not Eiri… Look at me, crying. I am very sorry about that. " Ayaka whispers and wipes her eyes with her fingertips. She still smells of jasmine perfume. "Its been so long, and I'm just so happy to see you."
She hesitantly offers out her hand.
" Before we say anything else… please allow me to apologize to you for what I did years back. I should not have… pressured you so about our engagement. I know shouldn't have been an accomplice and I shouldn't have helped you run away from your family….but I was so foolish and immature at the time, and I thought I was… in love with you… and somehow I thought by doing that, I would prove you how much I cared, and that you would come back to me… and I didn't even realize how terribly serious your condition was… if I had known-" She pleads.
"Please Ayaka." Eiri takes her hand to hold it, and closes his other hand around it. "How could you have known? I wanted to apologize to you for what I did to you. I was extremely cruel, and dishonest. I used you and took advantage of your innocence and your kindness in order to gain a freedom that I wasn't well enough or ready to have. I didn't want to hurt you, but at the time I felt I had no other alternative. It was no excuse though, and I'm very sorry that I did that. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I hope you didn't get into any trouble about it."
"Not at all and its absurd that you are apologizing to me for anything Eiri, when I was so clearly in the wrong !" Ayaka says tearfully. "Please, let us both let bygones be bygones. Let us… not remain in the past, because I'm just glad to see you now and see that you are doing fine. That and I'm engaged to your brother now, and I'm very happy with him."
"Good. Do come sit down." Eiri looks around them, and grimaces. "I … apologize for the state of my room."
Last night, uncertain how to deal with the prospect of this meeting, Eiri had tried to sort through his own writings to distract himself. Later, giving that up, he had occupied himself by hanging up some pages of poetry all over his walls. The room is a mess.
Eiri pulls out a chair for her. He offers her some tissues for her face.
"Oh thank you." Ayaka sits down abashed.
She takes the tissue and proceeds to wipe her face daintily. "Why are you apologizing? I like your room very much Eiri. It looks like a working writer's room. You have so many books.
'They have a good library here."
" I can see that. I can see you have also put pieces of writing on your wall … in lieu of pictures. But what are they?" Ayaka observes.
" I hang up poems I happen to like." Eiri answers.
"Is it your poetry?"
"No. Poetry I like. That means other people's."
"But …. these poems are handwritten Eiri." Ayaka says curiously.
"Yes. I like to copy them down by hand. It passes the time and it would help me improve my English."
"That is a wonderful thing to do, and they all must be very lovely poems you've chosen, as you're so well-read. For example…." Ayaka gestures at the nearest one by her. "What does this one say?"
Eiri snatches that paper off the wall.
"It's a part of a poem from Fernando Pessoa from The Book of Disquiet. " Eiri informs her. " Have you heard of him?"
"No." Ayaka answers. "I haven't."
Eiri clears his throat.
" He died a long time ago. But Pessoa was a poet who suffered from mental illness, and was in and out of institutions especially towards the end of his life. He lived in his mind, but was quite … lonely too. As a boy, even invented a playmate for himself that wrote letters to him … but Pessoa also felt as if there were many identities and alter egos within him as well. Pessoa happened to believe that he always belonged to where he wasn't, and to what he could never be. Real life didn't concern him. He once said "All I ask of life is that it go on without my feeling it."
Eiri then recites. " As for this paper, it reads: "Poets are fakers. And their faking is so real. That they even fake the pain. The pain they really feel."
Ayaka stares at him. She looks a little disconcerted.
"Yes but…" Eiri swallows and puts the paper aside. "But that's not why you're here, to discuss poetry."
He seats himself down.
"I heard the good news." Eiri states . "Congratulations."
"Thank you." Ayaka says.
"I was wondering though." Eiri says. "May I ask how did you and Tatsuha get together?"
"Its most odd." Ayaka begins quietly. "I suppose I spend so much time fixating on some romantic notion of you in the past, I never noticed how much Tatsuha liked me. I never noticed him except as your silly younger brother. He was always very sweet , and a great sense of humor, and knowing how much I liked you, he would always speak highly of you around me."
"He did?" Eiri frowns.
"Oh yes. Don't you know how much he always looked up to you? Tatsuha was always going on about his older brother Eiri, who was a misunderstood genius writer, and how much other girls were always chasing after you. Trying to make me jealous I think." Ayaka smiles shyly. "So I never thought Tatsuha liked me because he was always talking you up to me."
Eiri looks away.
Ayaka continues. So how we did get together was somewhat accidental. I needed a gentleman to accompany me to one of my mother's functions and I could not find anyone on short notice and somehow Tatsuha heard of it…. So…"
"He gallantly volunteered." Eiri finishes.
"Yes." Ayaka blushes. "Of course I said no immediately! I decided I would just go on my own, even through I was dreading it. To be polite, though I made up a white lie and told Tatsuha I couldn't go because I was down with a cold. Nonetheless, he showed up at my door and with a box of tissues and flu medicine! I answered the door in my fancy dress. I felt so horribly embarrassed about being caught in a lie, so I told him I suddenly had a speedy recovery, and Tatsuha borrowed one of my father's tuxes, and off we left together."
Ayaka sighs. "And that night Tatsuha looked so dapper handsome and grown up in a tuxedo. It was like seeing him for the first time. Oh and he was so good natured about my lying to him, and such a charmer and gentleman- he opened the doors for me- he told me so many funny jokes, and took my arm everywhere, the only problem was when he pulled out the chair for me too far, so I fell on my bottom in front of everyone!"
She laughs in her tinkling way.
"Tatsuha was so embarrassed about it! More than I was even! I have to admit, I found it very sweet and endearing. He was blushing for the rest of the night. But I think it was that moment that I realized I did care for Tatsuha because I was more concerned about his embarrassment then my own! I spent the rest of the night reassuring him that it was not a big deal… he begged to take me out again to make it up for me, so of course, I told myself that it was to make him feel better, I agreed, although I already knew I liked him. You could say I did actually fall for him."
Eiri manages a polite smile. "So. What were you doing before all this happened?"
" After what happened with you and … I thought hard about what I did and the pressure I put you and myself under... I decided I didn't need to jump into marriage immediately as per the expectation. I just wasn't ready for it. Instead, I wanted to concentrate on improving myself. So in the meantime, I went to graduate school and got my masters in Literature."
"Good for you." Eiri says. "What was your thesis?"
"My thesis was about pre-modern Japanese literature, in particular about the societal role of the diaries of noblewomen and the poetry of their 'ladies-in-waiting." Ayaka speaks modestly. "But I mustn't say too much more about it , because then I go on and on, as I can't stop myself when I start!"
"I wouldn't mind." Eiri says honestly. That topic sounds interesting.
"No, no, no- I cannot. Not when there is so much more I wish to know about you Eiri. What have you been doing Eiri?" Ayaka inquires, smiling kindly .
Eiri doesn't want to answer that. "Mind if I smoke."
"Not at all." Ayaka says.
Eiri turns on his cigarette.
Eiri inhales. " Nothing worth telling you about."
" I am sure that is not true." Ayaka chides him politely. "Have you been writing?"
Eiri admits, blowing a stream of vapor through the side of his mouth. " Yes. I have tried to write these past few years."
"What have you been writing?"
"Nothing worth reading."
" Do not say that. I am sure you have written many beautiful and interesting things."
"Interesting in a ways, if you use the word loosely." Eiri mutters. "But definitely not beautiful."
"Beauty is truth. Truth - beauty. " Ayaka says. "As long as is true, it is beautiful, isn't it?"
" So Keats thought." Eiri says.
Ayaka nods and smiles. "Yes."
"It sounds good on paper, doesn't it?" Eiri remarks. "Not so much in life."
Ayaka disregards that. " Have you been published?"
"No." Eiri fixes his gaze at the glowing green end of the cigarette so he has something to look at. "Occasionally though I'll write something and leave it somewhere for someone to find."
"Why do you do that Eiri?" Ayaka asks puzzled .
"My psychiatrist believes I do it to teach myself to let things go and how to share things with others. "
"Why do you think you do it?"
"Nothing better to do." He grunts.
Ayaka then peers at him cautiously.
" You told me once… one day …you'd let me read your writing. Would you let me read some now that I'm here ?"
Eiri stares at her.
Ayaka attempts another smile at him. She falls short.
"Sure." Eiri grunts. "If you want."
Eiri gives her a few papers off his desk. "Here. Just don't read them in front of me."
"Thank you so much Eiri for giving these to me. It means so much. " Ayaka gathers his papers on her lap. Her eyes glisten earnestly at him. "And …I am sure your work is both truthful and beautiful- because that is the power of your gift, which is the artist's gift. To see truth, and express it, perhaps even its darkest and most difficult, frightening parts, in a beautiful and unique way that others can comprehend and connect with it. And that's what this world needs. Voices like yours, that allow this."
Eiri looks down, feeling strange, uncomfortable but not entirely unpleasant. His face is warm and his mouth is dry.
Eiri realizes he is flattered,
" With that in mind, I'm thinking… that it possible, I could forward it to a friend in publishing I have. Would that be alright with you?" Ayaka offers gently.
Eiri manages to feign a dismissive tone. " Yeah. I've given them to you. You can do whatever you want with it."
They are quiet for a time.
Ayaka then ventures a question. "May I ask… what made you want to live here?"
Eiri's brow flexes at the sudden change of topic.
"There wasn't anything left for me where I was." Eiri replies. "I needed a new start."
"But you're … away from your family…and I have heard you refused to speak to them for years now." Ayaka looks regretful as she says that.
"That's precisely it too. I needed to allow them to have their own lives." Eiri agrees.
"As you know…" Ayaka murmurs, face downcast. "Your Father is very ill."
"Yes I know, but I'm not going to see him."
" Really?" Ayaka gapes. "But this may be your last chance."
To that Eiri says. "And?"
Ayaka's eyes widen. "Eiri…"
"I know that may sound callous to you but I am sure Father does not want to see me, and I'm resigned to that. I have nothing to say to him. I am sure he has nothing to say to me either." Eiri states frankly. "That's just how it is."
"Eiri.I… I don't know if I should tell you this, but… " Ayaka says hesitantly. " it was… your Father that sent Tatsuha as a messenger to inform you that he was sick."
Eiri ticks his head, startled. "He what?"
Ayaka looks at him sadly.
"Why would Father do that?" The poet croaks.
"I cannot say, other than the obvious reason that he truly wants to see you."
"That fact doesn't change anything." Eiri swallows. "I'm still not going."
"Oh… you won't? " Ayaka says pleadingly. " Not even after he asked for you?"
" Yes, even more so now." Eiri grits. " Probably Father issued it forward as a challenge, knowing that I'd refuse. This is just another chance to pit Tatsuha and I against each other, his 'good son' against his wastrel son, or create another opportunity for me to disappoint him and feel justified about his treatment of me."
Ayaka whispers. "It is… sad that you think of your Father that way Eiri."
"You may think that." Eiri says grimly. "But you don't know my father."
"No. I guess I don't. I only met him a few times, and he seemed a decent man. He seems to treat Tatsuha well… so its… very hard for me to understand what you're speaking of." Ayaka says hesitantly. "
"I'm not asking you to understand." Eiri states.
"I'm sorry. Certainly, my own parents are not perfect, no one is… but I have never doubted their love for me. What I meant is… from my own experience, it is impossible for me to conceive of people not caring about their own children or even trying to hurt them. Its so abnormal." Ayaka shakes her head. "Its against what family is all about. "
"Abnormal or not, it happens every day." Eiri mutters. "Some people create families for the sole purpose of hurting them. That and compared to how some other people treat their children, my Father isn't even close to the worse. Still. I'm not allowing myself to be dragged into a trap."
"What trap? Are you not going to see your Father … because you are afraid?"
"Afraid of what." Eiri leers. "Seeing him? Of course not."
Ayaka asks gently. "I mean… afraid of seeing the rest of the family?"
Eiri ignores that. "You never told Tatsuha what you know about me did you?"
"No. That and I know very little." She says. "Furthermore, its not my place. He should talk to you, and whatever you want him to know, it should be on your terms."
"Why did you come with Tatsuha all this way?" Eiri says. "More specifically, why did you want to see me again?"
Ayaka frowns at that. "Why do you think Eiri. "
"You wanted to tell me Father had requested that I come, because you knew Tatsuha wouldn't."
Ayaka looks at him. "Yes, and I wanted to support Tatsuha as well. "
" For what purpose? To make sure that Tatsuha wouldn't skirt his duties? Or is this an attempt to curry favor with your father-in-law or with Mika?"
"No, no, no." Ayaka hushes. "Mika and your Father… had nothing to do with us getting together."
"Heh." Eiri says but does not smile. "Do you expect me to believe that Ayaka?"
"I do not expect anything Eiri, but it is the truth. And I told you about your father because I thought you should know."
"Why." Eiri demands.
"Because…if I was in your position, I would like to know."Ayaka swallows. "And I care about you Eiri… I consider you a friend."
"Is that just it?" Eiri glares at her. "You would betray my brother's, your fiancée's confidence to me simply out of misplaced sense of pity or empathy? Out of friendship?"
"What do you mean by that?" Ayaka blinks.
"Are you still in love with me Ayaka?" Eiri demands.
Ayaka's mouth falls open and she places a hand on her throat in a pose of genteel shock.
She looks affronted by the question.
"Certainly not Eiri! "Ayaka retorts. "And I don't know if I could even call what I had with you love! Maybe a daydream or a… girlish obsession or an very childish and ill-advised infatuation. But it was not love."
Eiri says, unmoved. "Are you lying to me right now?"
"No. I am not." Ayaka states, with a deep breath "I'm sorry to have to be so direct with you, but your questioning warrants it .No. I am not in love with you Eiri. Nor was I ever was. Not anymore than you were with me."
Eiri glares at her, his cigarette in his mouth.
"I know that before I misled myself." Ayaka juts up her chin. "Now, I do not do that any longer."
"We all mislead ourselves Ayaka." Eiri exhales.
Vapor drifts between them.
Through it, Ayaka says plainly. "I love him Eiri. "
"And you are absolutely sure of that?"
"Yes. More than anything." Ayaka asserts.
" You look me in the eye Ayaka and tell me, do truly love my brother with all that is in you?" Eiri scrutinizes her closely. " Do you want to help him? Do you want what's best for him?"
"Yes." Ayaka says.
"Good. That is what Tatsuha deserves." Eiri says firmly.
"And what about you?"
"What about me."
Ayaka stares at him. "What do you deserve Eiri?"
"That is besides the point." Eiri clears his throat. "I appreciate you coming to see me today Ayaka ."
Ayaka blinks.
To hone in the message Eiri continues curtly. "I wish you and Tatsuha much happiness."
Ayaka stands.
"Oh yes. Thank you. And thank you for letting me speak to you again. I will tell you that another reason I came to see you because I thought… as I was the one who helped you leave, I should be the one who should help you come back to us. But I do know that is ultimately your decision, and I will respect the choice you make , no matter what it is."
She reaches into her handbag.
"I also have something to give back to you."
Ayaka puts something into his hand.
Eiri opens his hand and looks down.
They are the pearl earrings Eiri gave her, the ones they bought together for Mika.
"Goodbye Eiri." Ayaka then bows to him.
He watches her leave, earrings glistening in his open palm.
When Tatsuha comes to his room to visit later that day, Eiri announces from his chair.
"You should have just told me Father sent you."
'What?" Tatsuha stops and croaks. "How… how… did you find out?"
Eiri lies. "I always knew. I was just waiting for you to tell me, but you didn't. So I had to mention it now. "
"…I'm really sorry Eiri." Tatsuha says apologetically. "Father told me not to tell you."
Eiri glares. "And I suppose you do everything everyone else tells you to do Tatsuha?"
"I … I thought there was a point to what Father said." Tatsuha gulps. "If I had told you straight out, I knew you would have said no immediately… I wanted the decision to be about you and what you wanted, not about him!"
"That was very considerate of you." Eiri leers bitterly.
"Aw fuck. I messed this up didn't I?" Tatsuha hangs his head down. "I'm so sorry Eiri."
"Why should you be." Eiri mutters and stands up. "You only did your due diligence."
" No. Its not like that. And its like I said…"Tatsuha says hoarsely. "I didn't come just because of Father's illness."
"That's right. You came for answers too." Eiri snaps. "Or were you asking those questions on Father's behalf too?"
"No! " Tatsuha retorts "That's not it either !"
" Or maybe was all this a test to make sure Ayaka really loves you now?"
"Hey Eiri. Not cool! " Tatsuha waves his hands emphatically. "That was crossing a line!"
" Perhaps, but in case you are wondering, I can tell you Ayaka does love you and she never loved me in the first place. Of course. She hardly knew me. That ends that line of inquiry. So. You got what you wanted." Eiri waves a hand listlessly. "You can leave me alone now."
"Fine. I know you 're pissed off and for good reason. but…I don't want to leave you alone." Tatsuha says desperately. "I came to see you after all this time because I missed the hell out of you Eiri!"
The two brothers stare at each other.
Eiri then says emotionlessly. ""What a crock of shit Tatsuha."
Tatsuha snaps. "I get why you think that at this moment , but its not a crock of shit! Seriously! Why is it so hard for you to believe that I actually missed you these last few years? Why is it so hard for you to understand that I really do like you Eiri! Even though you act like a complete asshole sometimes! Most of the time even! But I still like you! And its not just because you happen to be my brother, but because you're … you. Even if we weren't related, I'd still want to hang out with you. That's pretty rare to find in a family. Especially in one like ours!"
Eiri shakes his head.
"Oh come on. Don't shake your head like that. I do like you bro! I like you because you're a smart, perceptive , down to earth guy. And you're the real deal, a true artist. I remember when we were kids sneaking into your room and reading your poetry and stories when you weren't looking. I remember thinking they were… really good, emotional and deep. Especially the stuff you wrote about our mom. It blew me away. It still stays with me even now. " Tatsuha eyes widen. " I …seriously thought you were super talented! In a intense and misunderstood way too. So much so, it sometimes went way over my head. But still… "
Eiri snorts and steps back. "You went into my room?"
"Oh come on… It was years ago and I was bored! Get over it! All siblings snoop in their other siblings stuff! You were so quiet and private too! Can you blame me for being curious ? I just wanted to know what was going on in that weird straw colored head of yours!" Tasuha argues back, gesturing wildly. "So you now know! For what its worth I always looked up to you and I liked your work! Is that so horrible?! Christ. You're a good writer. I wished I had talent , but I don't. I can only admire it in other people…"
Eiri asks accusingly. "What do you mean by that?"
"I meant what I just said that's all!"
" Did you ask Ayaka to take my work to publish it?"
"Yeah I did!"
"Why?!"
" Why not! Your writing is really cool Eiri!" Tatsuha proclaims and pounds a fist in his chest. "It deserves to be read by everyone!"
"Ah shit!" Eiri snaps angrily. "Had I known that, I wouldn't have given it to her! And you just lied to me again?! Over something stupid like that?!"
"No I didn't! And its not stupid! Why wouldn't you given your work to her? I only suggested it! Ayaka was the one who asked, even though she didn't have to! And she told you she might want to send it to a publisher and you said it was okay, all nonchalantly, like you didn't care! So what's the big deal?! Besides, you've never really cared what people thought of your writing anyways! For you, it was all about the art and nothing else. So why not let everyone see what you do, what matters to you?! That and you never cared what people thought of you either. I never knew someone as unique, or yourself as you. I never met anyone who was such a master in the art of in telling everyone 'fuck off' then you were Eiri!" Tatsuha claims boldly.
"Nothing could be further from the truth!" Eiri snaps. "And you're a fucking idiot if you think that!"
" Then I'm an fucking idiot then! I don't care! Think whatever you want, but we both know you're the only person in the family I could even try to cut the bullshit and talk about real stuff!" Tatsuha argues and points in Eiri's face. "I could have never admitted to Mika that I didn't want to take over the temple and talk about what Father and my relationship is really like… I mean…. I haven't even talked to Ayaka about all that. She couldn't understand it, because she didn't come from a messed up family like ours! She wasn't there, she didn't see it! Not like you and me!"
Eiri says nothing to that.
"So fine. I know you don't care about what I'm saying to you right now, but I'm saying it anyways. I wanted to see you and call you all this time, but you never picked up my calls, and I 'm sure you didn't open any of letters and packages I tried to send you… I got the feeling you just didn't want to see any of us… so I backed off. So even though the news I had to tell you about Father was awful, I was glad …. that I finally got an opportunity where I finally had the chance to see you. " Tatsuha says pleadingly. "And that's really the plain and honest truth Eiri!"
Eiri steps away and back. He feels drained by this revelation. He sighs.
"You told me this- for what? What do you want me to say to that?" Eiri throws his hands up exhaustedly.
"Nothing. I just wanted to say it. I don't expect anything. But… while I'm spilling my guts here," Tatsuha stares at his shoes. "I wanted to tell you… I love Ayaka with all my heart but … I'm…"
"You're what." Eiri huffs. " Just come out with it and say it."
Tatsuha looks up and swallows. " I'm ….bisexual too Eiri. "
Eiri does not blink.
After a moment he says. "Does Ayaka know."
" No she doesn't. No one knows. Except you, now. I've… never told anyone that before. I guess I was trying to test the water earlier with you talking about the pop stars… but…" Tatsuha wavers on his feet. "God. This is the first time I've even said it out loud… even to myself…"
"Are you alright."
"No. Wow- I'm sorry." Tatsuha pants and plants a hand on his forehead. " I'm actually … dizzy and in a cold sweat. I don't know why I'm so … nervous right now."
"Its fine." Eiri says calmly. " Sit down if you need to."
Tatsuha sinks down into the closest chair.
"I didn't know how to tell Ayaka about it… she once told me she knew that you told her that you were with guys in the past." Tatsuha croaks.
So Ayaka did tell Tatsuha something. Eiri thinks. So. She was not being entirely honest. But then again, who is.
"I was worried that if I told her about my being that way too… it would remind her too much of you , and she wouldn't want to be with me…" Tatsuha adds on weakly.
"Why would it." Eiri says. "While we may be related, you and I are very different."
"Yeah we are. Except in that one regard. What are the chances that both of us would be that way?" Tatsuha throws his hands up bewilderedly. "There must be some truth to that saying that these things are biological, huh bro?"
Tatsuha shakes his head after that. " Heh. I don't know why I bothered. I'm sure I didn't even need to tell you…"
Eiri looks at him. "No you didn't."
" Yeah. You knew all along that I was bi, just how I knew you were too. Like knows like. But… I never felt I could ever be open about it or admit to it." Tatsuha mutters.
"I know how hard that is." Eiri says. "I'm sorry."
Tatsuha swallows. "Should I …tell Ayaka?
"Only you can answer that."
"I mean I am marrying her. So its important to be up front with Ayaka about who I am … Its not right not to tell her. But then again, I know I'm going to be with Ayaka only and always. I don't expect to be with anyone else- guy or girl - ever again…so I don't know if it matters." Tatsuha mumbles. "But then again, marrying her doesn't mean that I'll just magically stop being attracted to guys right? I would just never act on it. The same way I would with girls too."
"Have you acted on it?" Eiri asks.
"Yeah …I have been with guys before. Not… in like a serious relationship or anything. Just casual. I guess it had to be casual as I had to keep it on the down low. Remember how I would come down to Tokyo ever so often and visit my 'friends'?" Tatsuha says sheepishly.
"Yeah."
"Those times I would go and party and… blow off steam with some like-minded gents. I mean I found temple life pretty restrictive and sometimes I would need to get a little wild. " Tatsuha sighs. "Also gay clubs have the best music and a way better drink menu too, and we know all the hot girls love gay clubs. "
Eiri raises his eyebrows.
"Like I said, I am bi. "Tatsuha manages a lame smile.
"What else does Ayaka not know Tatsuha?" Eiri asks concernedly. "Does she know your doubts about taking over the temple? Does Ayaka think that what you should do ?"
"I think she… senses I'm having cold feet. She seems supportive but I don't know. But maybe Ayaka does think that I should step up…" Tatsuha mutters. " Its my birthright. And …she's kind has been… conditioned for that role too."
"Tatsuha. I have to ask you, if nobody else has." Eiri says sternly. "Is this marriage really your decision? Were you pressured into it by anyone? "
"Yeah. No. I mean it is my decision." Tatsuha mumbles. "I think."
"You think?"
'Yeah. I do love her Eiri. Ayaka was so happy when I proposed. She's waited a long time for this- and because I love her so much, I don't want to risk losing her… " Tatsuha croaks. "Mika is happy too, as she likes Ayaka and Ayaka's family. And I like them too. Her family are good people. I don't want to upset them And top it off, Father is dying, and I wanted him to see us get married… to give him some peace and make him… somewhat happy before he goes."
"What about you?" Eiri asks him pointedly. "Are you happy ?"
"I don't know!" Tatsuha cries. "I thought I was but…"
Tatsuha puts his face in his hands.
"Sorry. I don't know why I'm like this-" Tatsuha shudders.
"I do." Eiri says.
Tatsuha looks up. Tears are running down his face.
"Yeah. You do, don't you. Damnit. I always … felt like I had to make up for you Eiri…You were so serious and sad man . So I had to be the happy upbeat one, even when I didn't always feel like it….I couldn't be open about my sexuality or how I really felt about other things . My job though was to be a normal easy-going obedient son, since you were the difficult rebellious 'different' one. It was like I wasn't allowed to be that way too- and to tell you the truth, I was jealous about that Eiri. Not that I deserved to be… I know how rough it must have been for you- but still..."Tatsuha sniffs.
"My God. Of all people to be jealous of, you should not be jealous of me Tatsuha." Eiri gestures around them. "Look at me. Look at where we are. We're in a mental institution. "
"So what? Where you are doesn't make you any less worthwhile of a person Eiri. And being well, or unwell, we all have our issues, but at least you're dealing with yours as best you can. I'm just sorry you've had to do it alone man . I wanted to be there, but I couldn't even be a good brother to you because no one would tell me anything!"
"You didn't need to know!" Eiri growls. " I didn't want you to know either."
"Why? Because you don't trust me, your own brother? I'm the only one you got! But of course, why would you trust me ? We weren't that close, because of the old man played divide and conquer with all of us, and I went along with it, because I was too busy doing what I was told. What a trade off huh? For all that, I'm a shit son too!" Tatusha only cries harder.
"But you don't know how hard its been for me Eiri! Especially with Ayaka… she loved you first, and she expected to be with you her whole life! You know that I care for you but you did a shitty and awful thing when you broke off your engagement to her before it began all those years ago!"
"Yes I know I did." Eiri says.
"No I don't think you do! How could you humiliate and treat her like that? Like she's just disposable, like she's nothing? It really messed her up and screwed with her head for a while! And poor Ayaka never did anything to you, except like you and want to help you! It wasn't fair. I liked her all along! You didn't but still, I couldn't compete with that ! Still I felt like I had to fill in for you and make up for your mistakes!
Eiri expression becomes pained.
" So yeah, I was worried because… because I want Ayaka to love me for me! Not as your pale substitute stand- in younger brother! And because you didn't marry her and do right by her, now I have to, even if I'm not sure if I'm ready for it yet! I have to make Ayaka feel happy because you hurt her so much! And I have to take over Father's temple and carry on the family name too because you can't! I was just made to fulfill the expectations you couldn't but nobody cares about me, and who I am, and how I really feel! " Tatsuha sobs into his hands. "And now Father is going to die… and I never even liked the guy much! But he was all I know and had! I can't turn to anybody- I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm confused…and I'm really scared Eiri!"
In response. Eiri steps forward and places a hand on Tatsuha's shaking shoulder.
Crying, Tatsuha stands up.
He rushes forward into Eiri's chest.
Eiri puts his arms around him.
He and Tatsuha embrace tightly.
Afterwards Eiri tells his psychiatrist. "I embraced my brother today."
"Did it feel safe to do that?" The psychiatrist says.
"Yeah." Eiri admits. "it did."
The next morning when Tatsuha comes to visit, he approaches the doorway timidly.
"Hey Eiri." Tatsuha says quietly.
Eiri turns to look at him. He nods.
'I came to tell you…. I'm sorry I got all whiny and cry-baby on you yesterday bro. I don't know what got into me. Stress I guess. I didn't mean to dump everything on you- and I only told you that other thing because I … I knew you'd get where I was coming from, more than anybody. " Tatsuha's mumbles. He looks away and rubs his face nervously. "But still, was all … a little much right?"
"Its nothing." Eiri says. "Sometimes letting it out that helps."
"Yeah. As awful, embarrassing and stupid as that all was, it did make me feel better." The young man admits. "Still I'm sorry you had to endure that-
Eiri irritably gestures for Tatsuha to come in and huffs. "Just shut up . Sit down."
In an impromptu attempt to be hospitable , Eiri decides to make the tea Tatsuha brought him. He uses the water from the outside water heater, though it doesn't get hot enough for safety reasons.
"Do you remember what Mother was like?" Tatsuha asks him when Eiri returns with the two cups.
Eiri says nothing at first . He gives Tatsuha his cup, then puts his own cup on a side table. Without a saucer, it will make a tea ring on the latest book he's reading. Eiri doesn't care though.
"The only things I know of her was of your writing and the few photos we have of her." Tatsuha adds on as Eiri sits down.
"Yes I do remember Mother. She was quiet, kind, and generous, and unassuming. She cared for us. She wanted us to be happy." Eiri reminiscences . "She … accepted us for who we were."
Tatsuha smiles at that. "She sounds like a amazing person."
"She was." Eiri says.
"Well then." The younger man then raises his tea cup. "A toast. To mom."
"To mother." Eiri raises his cup too.
They drink the lukewarm tea for a moment.
"Have you thought about what we talked about yesterday?" Eiri puts his cup aside.
" Yeah. I tried to. I know that I love Ayaka and I want to make a commitment to her."Tatsuha says, back to his subdued tone. " But I think…I don't want to run the temple. I want to do something else, but I still don't know what it is exactly… this is all sudden. I don't have any backup plan."
"What matters to you Tatsuha?" Eiri asks. " Is there anything that you love to do?"
"Besides Ayaka you mean?" Tatsuha quips.
Eiri unsuccessfully suppresses an eye-roll.
"Sorry. Lousy joke I know." Tatsuha gulps, eyes flickering around dazedly. " I mean…this sounds stupid but I still… love pop music. I love listening to it and discovering new bands and being in the whole scene. I mean… I don't know how… I could possibly make a career out of that… but…if I could do something like that… it would a dream come true…"
Unable to bear looking at Tatsuha's longing and pitiful expression, Eiri forces himself slowly to say it. "Have… you thought of … asking Mika and Tohma? They could help you get into that business… if you wanted to pursue it."
"I know… but I felt like I couldn't dare to … as frankly Mika is always with Father on most things and knowing he's sick, its not been a good time to broach the subject. Mika would tell me no… but maybe Tohma might try and help me out, in his indirect way… but Tohma is not always the most approachable human being if you know what I mean." Tatsuha looks aside. "But you were always… closer with him. "
Eiri's gut wrenches at that sentence.
" Hey… I got an idea… I know it may be a lot to ask but could you maybe you could talk to Tohma about that for me? You're better at explaining things, and he's more apt to listen to you bro!" Tatsuha says eagerly. looking somewhat more optimistic.
Eiri shakes his head, eyes closed. "No. I'm sorry. I can't do that."
"Why?" Tatsuha's face falls.
"First, I haven't spoken to him for years. Secondly and more importantly, this is something I shouldn't do for you." Eiri lies, pushing past that sense of fear growing within him. "You have to talk to Tohma about this yourself, if its what you want. Otherwise he'll be uncertain to what you truly mean, or if you're actually serious. That and if you want to earn his respect too, its best you talk to him face to face."
Tatsuha frowns. "Yeah…. I guess you're right about that."
"Yes. In this case." Eiri sighs.
"Its… just not a conversation I'm looking forward to."
"You've sustained lengthy conversations with me. You can handle yourself." Eiri grunts.
Tatsuha chuckles dryly at that. "Maybe you're right."
"Yes. I'm right again. So you see, I've done all I can for you, and as much as I… am glad to see you, we both know you can't stay here indefinitely." Eiri declares. "You and Ayaka have to go back to Japan and settle everything yourselves."
"Huh?" Tatsuha gawps. "What are you're talking about?"
Eiri starts impatiently. "What I mean you have to take initiative in your own lives-"
"No. The other part." Tatsuha cocks an eyebrow. "Did… you just say go back to Japan?"
"Yeah. You can't stay here." Eiri says.
"And … here is?" Tatsuha gawks.
"In New York with me!" Eiri snaps. "Obviously."
"Oh." Tatsuha looks unnerved. "Uh."
Eiri's brow crosses irritably. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Bro… I don't know how to say this… but …. we're not in New York or America, or even out of the country… so I have no idea what you mean or what you're trying to say. " Tatsuha says slowly. "Unless this is some weird poetic kind of metaphor for life which I'm not getting…"
Eiri's mouth opens. "What do you mean."
"We're… we're in Japan… okay?" Tatsuha tries an anxious smile. "Come on. You know that Eiri…."
Silence.
Neither of them are breathing even.
" You're just kidding me right?" Tatsuha's smile drops like a stone. "You're… being the sarcastic older brother again? Ha ha? "
Eiri stares at him.
Tatsuha's expression starts to look frayed, desperate. He glances around the room as if searching for affirmation from some unknown source.
"Oh… hey Eiri. Please. Don't stare at me all… strangely and blankly like that. You're freaking me out right now. Tell me, you're just joking." Tatsuha struggles disbelievingly. "You're not… you're not… "
"I mean come on big bro!" He urges Eiri. "Don't you know where we are buddy?"
Eiri looks down. His extremities feel numb.
"I …don't think… I'm understanding you." Eiri croaks.
"What's there not to understand?" Tatsuha snorts once incredulously. "You're in an institution in Japan! You've like… been in this same one for the past four years!"
Eiri says. "No."
"Yeah! You have! Ask anyone here! And look Eiri… " Tatsuha clumsily pulls out his phone from his pocket with twitching fingers. He looks so anxious he nearly drops it. " Here. On my phone. Look at our current location."
Tatsuha shows him on the screen on some global positioning map app and points to it urgently. "See!"
Eiri reluctantly leans in and looks.
He feels a chill go up his spine as he sees.
"That must be a mistake …. with your phone." Eiri responds hesitantly.
"No. My phone is working fine. But we can check other ones too I'm sure they'd say the same!"
"But…you said…you were in town…"
"Yeah we had to travel like a tiny bit, because you're in Osaka and I meant we're still in the area in Kyoto - but I didn't mean like in town as in…. going all the way out to America…" Tatsuha gawks. "I mean… look around you, everyone around you and everything is Japanese…although you have English books and some English audio tapes around your room, but just take a look outside! I mean I know you must not get out much but still- "
Eiri interrupts him. "That's impossible! Tohma took me to New York!"
"Yeah." Tatsuha exclaims. "He did once ! Years ago when you were a teenager, but since then you've never gone back!"
"What? No. That's not… how…" Eiri puts a fist over his trembling mouth. " That doesn't…. it can't…. !
Eiri takes his fist away, his mouth a hard edge. "No. Are you … sure about that?"
Tatsuha's eyes are huge. "I've never been more sure than anything man."
Eiri grits ."And you're not lying to me about this?"
" Christ Eiri!" Tatsuha barks. "Why would I make up something to you like that?!"
"Oh… God." Eiri shoots up suddenly. "Fuck. Fuck Fuck."
Tatsuha stares at him confusedly. "Eiri? What's going on?"
Eiri pushes his chair away with a swoop of his arm.
It crashes against the wall.
Tatsuha jolts back, startled by the loud noise and sudden movement. "Woah."
Having prepared a space for himself, Eiri paces frantically back and forth in it.
"No, no no… It doesn't make sense…he … took me on a plane. He had to take me far away from everyone because… I did some fucked up unforgivable things… I did such awful things to him and everyone… and that's why I had to leave and I had to see his grave so I could make my peace with everything and leave it all behind for good! I left my writing there on the grave!" Eiri rants under his breath, pacing the room. "That was what I wanted it to be! I did all that, so he and Mika could go on without me and have Shuichi!"
"Eiri." Tatsuha watches on, pale and horrified. "What… the hell are you talking about?"
"Don't pretend you don't know ! What happened! What I'm talking about-" Eiri trembles. "after- I- "
Tatsuha cries. "About what?! "
"NO!" Eiri caves into himself, gagging on his words. " No no. Oh god, I can NEVER tell you ! You can't know Tatsuha! Its too much of a BURDEN for you! It will ruin your life- like it ruined mine- and you'd never forgive me or stand to look at me anymore or any of us! No one ever could!"
"Holy shit!" Tatsuha leaps up himself. He gasps, hands hovering uncertainly in the air. "Eiri!…you gotta calm down man- look at you- you're rambling and not making any sense, and you're shaking like you're falling apart! You look like you're about to collapse or something. Just wait a second. I'll… get you a nurse or doctor-"
Eiri clutches at Tatsuha's shirt, snarling. "No. Please! Tell me first! Do you know?! What do you know? Why did they do that? I can't have them that close to me! I won't hurt them again! Do you know Tohma and Mika lied to me?! Are they still my guardians?!"
"God. I.. I don't know anything about that! I swear !" Tatsuha cries. "Listen. I don't know about your arrangement with them…you need to ask Mika or Tohma about that- but… oh woah…Eiri- I've never seen you like this, and this is really scary! I don't know what to do!"
Eiri pushes him back roughly.
Tatsuha falls into the wall, with a hard thud, the air knocked out of him.
"You need to leave right now!" Eiri yells. "You can't be around me!"
"No. I can't!" Tatsuha cries. " What kind of brother does that?! I can't just abandon you , not when you're like this!"
"Get out or I'll KILL you! " Eiri roars. "Like I KILLED him!"
Tatsuha presses himself against the wall. He chatters through clenched teeth "Eiri!"
"There's a button by the door that calls the nurse!" Eiri points at the spot frantically. "Please Tatsuha. Press it and get out of here!"
Tatsuha reaches it, presses it, but does not leave.
Furious at being unheeded, Eiri comes at him, snarling. "What the fuck did I just tell you?!"
Tatsuha stares at him, hands and mouth open, blank with shock.
Not knowing what else to do, Eiri strikes him.
He feels his fist make contact with the plane of Tatsuha's cheek .
He hears the sound. He hears Tatsuha cry out and fall back. Or maybe it is his own cry.
Before Eiri can see or do anything else , several nurses pull him away.