I do NOT own TWILIGHT
ALL MUSICAL LYRICS ARE THE SOLE PROPERTY OF THE AUTHOR AND THE MUSICIANS THAT OWN THEM.
As always thanks to my lovely reviewers...I appreciate your continued support.
"The lights go out and I can't be saved, Confusion never stops, Coldplay: Clocks
Tides that I tried to swim against.
Have brought me down upon my knees,
Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing…
Come out of things unsaid.
Shoot an apple off my head.
And, a trouble that can't be named,
A tiger's waiting to be tamed singing…
Closing walls and ticking clocks.
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know singing…
Come out upon my seas,
Cursed missed opportunities.
Am I a part of the cure?
Or, am I part of the disease…?"
I rushed home. My thoughts erratic as I tried to comprehend what had just happened. Edward…was going to kiss me. We were going to kiss.
I knew that no amount of deep breathing exercises would help the crimson color hung deeply to my thin flesh. The color I was sure; radiated from my chest to my scalp. I was burning; and there was no way to hide it or deny it-this time.
When I arrived home the house was lit like a beacon. Renee had been gone for almost a week and Gianna came by daily. If not for Gianna I probably would not have eaten a single morsel of food this past week. Thankfully, when I entered the large vacant Victorian Gianna was busy cleaning; her headphones blasting into her ears as she dusted. She was singing in Italian as I crept by her; she, completely unaware of my presence as I made my way up the stairs to my bedroom.
I had at least an hour before I had to be at Panera. The thought of food sent the all too familiar hunger pangs to writhe in agony as an induced salivary response took place as well.
I laid on my bed quickly upon entering my room. My hunger making me fatigued but also the increasing need within me kept me secure to my mattress. I know I should have snacked on something-anything for that matter. And, now I couldn't leave the safe confines of my room due to the ever increasing pulsation between my thighs. A now customary response as my subconscious continued to play out the 'would-be' events from earlier. I was trying in earnest not to allow my hands to wander. Even though I needed some form of release. This desire; this longing for Edward-not just physically but also emotionally-had become nothing short of pure torture. Though, in a way it had become a sweet torture none the less.
With my eyes closed I could still feel his presence. I could feel his breath against my lips; his fingers trailing my cheek. I was so close to him-yet still so far. I wanted to cry…to scream. I felt inconsolable. This feeling…these feelings I held towards Edward were unlike anything I had ever felt. I was confused. Lost.
I did the only thing I knew how to do and wept. The need to release some of the pent-up emotions; strong. I allowed a sizable amount of tears to escape. It had been a while since I allowed myself to cry. It almost felt good, even therapeutic but still not enough. The warmth of my tears cascaded down the side of my face; collecting at the opening of my ear. I wiped them away languidly; staring up at the blank ceiling-before taking a deep breath, I needed to tell him. I needed to lift this heaviness off my chest. Free myself of these binds that held me so closely to him. But, more than anything I needed to know. Did he feel anything towards me at all?
I began to doze. Daydreaming of Edward and I being together-freely. I was nearly asleep when the sound of my phone woke me abruptly from my reverie. I grabbed the obnoxious box in haste but still missed the call. Fumbling, I read the display, "ONE MISSED CALL: The Tutor ;)"
"Ugh! Damn It!"
I cursed the phone for not giving me the extra second to retrieve that specific call. Within seconds the phone chirped and vibrated-signaling a new voicemail. I quickly dialed sighing heavily awaiting to hear his voice.
"Hey, Bella. It's Edward…I wanted to…I feel as though I should apologize for earlier. I…My behavior was inappropriate and was uncalled for. I do hope you can forgive me. If it's alright with you I thought that maybe I could take you out this weekend…make up for it? If you're not busy of course. I have this party I need to go to tomorrow…I've tried to get out of it to no avail. But, I'll be free after that…if you are. So…uh…call me and let me know, 'k'? Later."
Sigh. His voice was pure velvet. His words flew straight to my core, stopping first at my chest, causing uproar amongst the butterflies within my stomach before heading deeper south where those initial flames still lie simmering…waiting. The fact of the matter was this; he wanted to see me again. He was initiating this again-just like he had earlier. But, to apologize…that was unnecessary. Quickly, with hands trembling I typed Edward a text message too afraid to actually call.
Me:
Edward, there is no need to apologize. If anything I am just sorry that we were so rudely interrupted, LOL
I hoped that my humor would help ease any discomfort he may be harboring. I didn't want him to feel like he was the only guilty party. I am the one that started this stupid game. I also had been extremely flirtatious over the past few weeks. I should be apologizing.
The Tutor ;) 4:36P.M.
Bella, I do not apologize for wanting to kiss you. I would never apologize for that…I do however apologize for not telling you that I knew of your little game. So, that I apologize for. And, YES we were rudely interrupted weren't we? Hopefully, next time…
Shit! Why did he have to be so self-less? I was the idiot that acted completely immature. I was and am the one who is still being secretive. This is going too far as is. I can't allow him to get too close…I can't get too close. Though, I am most certain I am way beyond that now. And, next time? God, he's killing me.
Me:
Hmm…well, I accept. But, I should be apologizing NOT you. And, next time??? Do you want there to be a next time?
What the hell was I doing? It's like my brain knew what I needed to do but my heart and my hormones wouldn't allow me to. I knew in my heart and in every inch of my being that I wanted to be with Edward. But, the fear of Jacob, the fear of losing him was too much to bear. My mind didn't know how to juggle the two.
Alice 4:56P.M.
Helllllooooo BELLA!!! Where are you????
Huh? Shit! I was so caught up again in all things Edward that I hadn't paid attention to the time. I was supposed to be at Panera in less than four minutes.
Me:
I'm so sorry, Alice. I'm leaving now. Lost track of time :(
Alice 4:59P.M.
Sure you did. I can take a good guess as to WHO has made you lose track of time. LMAO! Now hurry up and get here before Emmett eats everything on the menu!
I had to admit that I adored Alice. She always knew how to pull me out of the clouds and bring me back down to solid ground. I still hadn't given up any information to Alice about Edward. I felt horrid keeping him secret-especially from her. But, she knew that it wasn't her; but, my fear of Jacob finding out. My initial fear of Edward learning of my feelings for him were definitely subsiding-somewhat. I could now only attribute my slight confidence to his almost kissing me. I needed to keep that confidence and just live. It's been almost a month since Jacob had called. Though only a month has passed I still felt uneasy and fearful of his wrath. In my head I liked to believe that maybe he moved on; found someone else to put all his effort into. It's nice to dream, right? Just the thought of Jacob made me nauseous.
It took all but ten minutes for me to get to Panera. Which was good because it allowed me to finally decide what I needed to do. As I pulled into the overcrowded parking lot; it was easy to spot Emmett's canary yellow Hummer parked directly in front of the building-taking up two parking spaces as usual. Apparently, Alice's father had allowed her to take his car because sat next to Emmett's giant beast was another yellow vehicle though this one a Porsche. I parked along the side of the building not wanting to drown myself further in the ostentatiousness that was the front parking lot.
Entering the building; I was hit with the aroma of freshly braked bread. It lingered around me; caressing my senses tantalizingly. It's scent was too reminiscent of the many times I had cooked for my father. He had loved coming home to my home made meals; especially after a long shift. I would spend hours slaving over the stove or buried up to my elbows in flour as I made sure there was always a hot meal on the table when he arrived home. I could picture my fathers tired face as he hung up his jacket. His heavy feet dragging against the floor as he made his way to the table where a hot, steaming plate awaited him. The smile stretching across his face in appreciation…
I had to stop. I gripped the wall for support as my knees weakened beneath me. I tried to steady myself. Standing; body shaky-I breathed. My head was spinning and I couldn't get my thoughts together to stop the whirlwind. This anxiety; this weakness was the exact reason why I did not allow myself to think of my father-especially in public. Just thinking of him re-opened the hole in my chest. I would never heal…never. It didn't matter how great my friends were or even how good Edward would or could be for me. Nothing mattered. I would remain forever broken and forever haunted by my fathers image. An image that should be alive. Not me. I should have died that night. I should have never awoken. Me….
Standing more upright I brushed myself off. The tightness in my chest was like a vice and I prayed it wouldn't leave me. It was the only thing reminding me of my mortality and how I didn't deserve it. The grip intensed as it radiated below my rib cage; right into my lungs. Panic slowly ebbed it's way through me-taking over.
From the distance I could hear Emmett's booming laughter. I focused in on it so that I could pull my head together-at least for my friends sake. I would allow myself to drown in my own pool of self pity once I got home. Reluctantly, I rounded the corner; triumphantly wearing a pseudo smile. Alice would see right through it…she always did. Hesitantly, I walked up to the table waiting for Alice's interrogation. She only eyed me askewed before patting the seat next to her for me to sit. But, before I could do so Emmett's big arms were around me; squeezing my already constricted chest further. I welcomed it.
"BELLA! I missed you, kiddo!"
"Ugh. I missed you too?"
I would never figure Emmett out. He was always so happy, so cheerful. It was obvious that he had never gone through a tragic thing in his life. And, if he had he was definitely better at dealing with it than me. I always found him and Rosalie to be so contrast. They matched in the beauty department; but, when it came to personality Emmett was always glowing. Where as Rosalie always seemed to wear a frown. I guess its true opposites do attract.
"Emmett, let Bella go before you break her ribs you big ass!" Rosalie's monotone voice broke Emmett's hold and I was thankful-slightly. Only because his hug or whatever you want to call it did help to make me feel better…somewhat. I glanced down at the phone still encased within my palm.
"Waiting for someone?" Emmett asked; playfully punching my shoulder before taking his seat next to Rosalie.
"Umm…yeah, sort of." Edward still hadn't replied to my last text and it was making me somewhat worried.
"So, how was you're tutoring session?" Alice asked as I sat down beside her. Her grin was as bright as the sun as she stood only inches from my face; though she asked loud enough so that everyone at the table could hear.
"It was fine, Alice. Thanks' for asking." I retorted quickly before anyone could pick up on the conversation. Jasper sat beside Alice appearing empathetic. His hand held Alice's as he rubbed circles over the back of her palm. I could see he was trying to tempt her away from the conversation.
'Hey, Bella. Why do you even still go for those dumb-ass tutoring things anyway, you're passing Professor Banner's class?" Rosalie chimed in. Now all faces were on me. I could feel the heat emanating from me like a furnace. My face was beginning to perspire under the heaviness of everyone's glare.
"I…uh…"
"Bella, here has a thing for her tutor." Alice interrupted.
"Alice!? What the hell?" I nearly spat in her face. I was practically steaming with anger but I couldn't let it overwhelm me. These people were my friends. I could trust them…right? Besides, I had decided I would tell Alice today exactly who I was crushing over so hard.
"Oh, really?" Rosalie continued. "That sucks."
"Huh? Why does that suck?" Now I was intrigued.
"Because, I was thinking that we should set you up with Emmett's brother. You too would be perfect for each other. Don't you think so Emmett?" She smacked Emmett's side. Breaking his reverie with the large sandwich nestled within his grip.
"That's okay, Rosalie. Really. Besides, I'm not really into dating little kids."
"What are you talking about, Bella? Emmett's brother is a year younger than him…he's 19. Oooooh, you thought…ah, now I see. Too funny. Emmett…I asked you a question!"
Rosalie smacked Emmett again, this time he stopped shoveling the monstrous snack in his mouth just long enough to answer Rosalie.
"Huh?" he asked dumbfounded still mewling at the meal in front of him.
"I asked you if you thought Bella and you're brother would be perfect for each other?" She snapped back at him.
"Yeah, dat a gweat idea and all, babe." He stopped talking to finish chewing the food in his mouth. "But, my brother has been pining over some chic now for the past month."
"Wait, what happened with Tanya? Please, tell me they finally broke up?" Jasper broke in. I watched as the two men exchanged weary glances; Emmett shrugged his shoulders in response. Obviously, this Tanya girl was bad news.
"You know what Jazz? I haven't seen her. Not since this new girl appeared."
"Do you know her name at least? This new chic?" Jasper asked as I read the menu. I was just happy that the conversation was moving away from me.
"No, but god help me Jazz. If I have to hear Cold Desert from Kings of Leon ONE more time. I swear I will puke up my intestines and shove them down his throat!"
I giggled out loud. Emmett and Jasper both looked in my direction. Surprised by my outburst.
"What!? Sorry, I just thought that was funny. And, besides what's so wrong with Kings of Leon? That's one of my favorite songs…sorry!" I shrugged, unable to contain my laughter any longer as I watched Emmett make dramatic gagging sounds.
"You're right, Rose. They would be perfect for each other." He said sarcastically before turning and facing me again. "Bella…I too am a fan of KOL but in reasonable amounts. You don't have to hear that song ALL night long like I do. And, as if hearing it OVER and OVER is not enough! The little prick started playing it on his DAMN piano. He's fucking killing me, I tell ya'! Killing me!"
Rosalie was rubbing Emmett's back soothingly; placating the petulant child that he was. He nuzzled into her; his oversized frame against her small one was a sight to behold. There exchange was hysterical and I did all I could to contain the laughter coming from me. Emmett could be so theatrical at times it was ridiculous.
"Sorry, Bella. I just thought you guys would be a good fit." Rosalie looked almost shot down as Emmett nudged her to continue her rubbing.
"Doesn't matter anyway." Alice said finally pulling herself from Jasper to join the conversation. "Bella is too into this tutor of her's anyway. Nice try though, Rosalie. I agree, they would have made a cute couple."
I watched as Alice began to drift into a daydream. She was known for doing that. I could only imagine what her little head was conjuring up now.
"So, Bella." Jasper said, "Are you going to tell us who this 'Tutor' of your's is?" I watched as his fingers created quotation marks around the word tutor.
"Hah! That's a good one, Jasper. I've been barking up that tree now for weeks!!!" Alice exclaimed. I almost felt bad for her…almost.
"Come on, Bella. We're all friends here. You can tell us."
As always Jasper had a way of making me feel at ease. His word's were always calming. I looked around the table. Everyone's face glued to my own-waiting. Their scrutiny was nerve wracking. But, I knew it was now or never. Besides, they would all find out sooner or later. Why not now? I glanced back to Jasper one more time looking for that reassurance I knew he would lend. I saw in that exact moment why Alice adored him so much…how could she not?
"Ugh! You guys are so annoying you know that?" I asked looking around before closing my eyes. Hiding from their intense glares.
"Come on, Bella. Give it up!" Emmett yelled.
"Fine!" With eyes closed, fingers pulling at my scalp I said the name I had been wanting to scream for weeks now.
"His name is Edward…Edward Cullen. Okay? I hope you're all happy now…bastards!"
Completely defeated; I dropped my face against the table covering my head with my arms waiting for the interrogation to hit me from every angle. I waited…but, was met with utter silence. Why does this feel like déjà vu? I raised my head thinking maybe they hadn't heard me.
"I said his name…"
I opened my eyes as I spoke to find my friends sitting motionless around me. Rosalie's palm covered her opened mouth. The rest wore huge grins. Alice sat next to me practically bouncing out of her seat. If not for Jasper she would have been mid-air by now.
"Umm…did I say something wrong?"
I was completely frazzled.
"Bella?" Rosalie called, her voice almost childlike and shaking with an excitement unbeknownst to me. Her face was lit up; this, the first time I have ever seen her glow like Emmett. I watched as Emmett stroked her hair; nudging her to go on.
"Bella. Edward Cullen…well, Edward is Emmett's younger brother."
I gasped in disbelief. Looking from Rosalie to Emmett; than Alice to Jasper. Each one shook their heads in unison-all in agreement.
"You have got to be kidding me. You're joking, right? Please say you're joking."
I was trying to figure out the jumble in my head. Turning towards Alice realization struck me.
"Earlier, Alice…that was Edward you were helping wasn't it?"
"Oh. My. God, Bella!!! Yes! I helped Edward…oh and wait till you see him in his costume…Wait, Holy Shit! You're the girl that he almost got caught kissing today?"
I hid my face again. Of course Alice would know that part.
"Wow. This is just too funny. Wait, this is PERFECT!" Alice squealed. "Edward will be at my party tomorrow and so will you. Bella, you will be at my party tomorrow…wont you?"
I completely forgot. I am sure Alice had asked me; or should I say…told me, I was going to her party. But, with my head being so far up my ass lately I couldn't distinguish up from down let alone remember whether I was supposed to attend a party or not.
"Alice, I forgot. I'm sorry. I never even got a costume…"
I could tell I hurt her feelings. I was a horrible friend. Jacob was right. I didn't deserve anyone's love or friendship.
"Bella, that's okay if you forgot. Besides, I already have you're costume. I made it for you. I was going to give it to you tonight. So, I guess you will be coming after all." She clapped her hands like a six year old that had just gotten her way. It took all I could not to get up and run right out of there. It would have been a wasted effort on my part anyway. Alice knew where I lived.
The rest of the evening was draining. Emmett watched me closely as I retold the story of how I met his brother Edward. He kept smiling at me as though he knew something I didn't. Like he was hiding this great secret that would change the world for the better. I was beyond relieved when we were finally going home. Outside as we said our goodbyes Emmett pulled me in for another of his massive hugs. "You and my brother are gonna be great together. He cares for you more than you know. Shit, I still cant believe it's been you all along…" He whispered in my ear before releasing me. I nodded my head; thinking Emmett definitely had his information backwards.
Everyone agreed not to tell Edward. Well, I basically insisted. I didn't want any outside interference. If things were going to go anywhere with Edward and I than it had to happen naturally. The party would just be an added benefit.
I followed Alice to her house. My lower lip swollen from nervously chewing on it. The whole evening had been one fiasco after another. In one way I was relieved that everyone knew Edward and that he was this great guy; with strong morals, and great ethics. On the other hand I wanted to shut down. I feared that too much of my life had been laid out to air dry. I was always a private person. This felt like an intrusion. An intrusion I had allowed.
I pulled into the large drive way behind Alice. Jasper exited the car first going to the drivers side to open the door for Alice. Jasper; always the gentleman. Alice grabbed my arm and rushed me into the house and to her oversized room. It was like being in a presidential suite when I was in her room. Jasper stayed behind. Flopping on the overstuffed suede sofa and flicking on the too big flat panel television.
"I have the perfect costume for you, You are going to absolutely adore it! Edward wont know what hit him." She smiled brightly as she pulled a large hanging bag from her closet before laying it flat on the bed. Her fingers began to pull at the zipper before stopping abruptly.
"Are you allergic to latex, Bella?" She asked flatly. I looked at her quizzically.
"Uh, no. I'm afraid to ask why."
"Good. Now lets just hope no one else that comes near you is." She pondered that for a second before brushing it aside with the shake of her head. I watched as she opened the bag to what could only be some type of erotic costume.
"Uh, Alice? What the hell is that?"
She pulled it out of the garment bag revealing it completely. Erotic, yes. For me, absolutely not.
"I am not wearing that, Alice." I looked at her in disbelief. The costume was an erotic version of the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland…why was I not surprised. I could see where the latex came into play. The heeled boots were made of black shiny latex that looked as though it would rest just below the knee. It had a high collar that would require me to wear my hair up. The dress portion was short…extremely short. The under skirt was lined with black tulle creating a puffed appearance. Its train began at the waist and its hem lay right at the floor.
"I know you're measurements so it should fit just right." She held it up against me before placing it back on the bed.
"Okay. Undress." She demanded and I glared at her-speechless.
"Alice, do you want me to look like a stripper?"
"Come on, Bella. Just try it on…for me, please? You, me, and Rosalie are kinda following a theme…this is important to me, okay?" She pouted her lips like a child. How could I say no?
"Fine." I retorted as I pulled my clothes off. Remaining in only my bra and panties.
'Nice underwear, Bella. I really need to take you shopping." Alice said sarcastically as she laughed at my hello kitty panties. I stepped inside the monstrosity that was my costume and watched Alice through the reflection of her massive mirror zip up the back. It was sexy. I looked sexy. That I couldn't deny.
"You like it don't you?" She beamed as I did a pirouette. Observing every angle.
"Actually, Alice. I do." I was surprised at myself. I felt powerful with it on, in charge.
"I'll be by tomorrow to do you're hair and make-up while the decorators are here setting up. What!? You didn't seriously think I would decorate this whole house on my own did you?"
"Of course not. Why would I think such a thing?" I asked innocently though my tone was snarky.
"Whatever, Bella. You're not funny. Anyway…You are going to look so hot it will be sinful." She said as she unzipped me before gently placing the costume back in it's bag. As I dressed I thought of Edward.
"Alice? What is everyone else coming as? I mean…I can only imagine, especially since my costume alone is so elaborate."
"Nice try, Bella. But, I am not telling you what Edward is coming as. Or, what anyone is wearing for that matter. You will just have to wait and see."
I bit my lip imagining what Alice could possibly put Edward in that would make him look any more beautiful than he already was.
"Alice, do you think Edward will be mad when he sees me at you're party?" I was worried that he would think I held this from him too. Just like I had withheld my passing Professor Banners class.
"Honestly, I think he's going to be ecstatic. Bella, you didn't see his face earlier…when he spoke of his 'secret love.'" She drifted off again momentarily.
Huh?
"What do you mean…his 'secret love'?" I asked; eager of her response.
"Forget it, I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh, no you don't. Alice, is that what he calls me. His secret love?"
Alice looked torn. Torn between two friends who obviously couldn't see fate staring them right in the face.
"God, Bella. If he knew I told you he would kill me…please, you cant say anything. I didn't even know that you were thee girl till you're little confession earlier. I'm still reeling from it. This changes things…you have no idea just how much."
After that I didn't talk about Edward anymore to Alice. I was just thankful that she finally knew. I would definitely need to have her elaborate more on what she meant about things changing. But, for now I would let sleeping dogs lie.
I left a somewhat elated Alice with Jasper; to go home to where I knew Gianna would be waiting. She had spent the last two nights because Alice was unable to. Now I remembered why…the party. When I entered I could hear Gianna fussing around in the kitchen. The smell of garlic in the air. It dawned on me that I hadn't eaten while at Panera. The hunger pangs had also disappeared since then as well. I am sure all the excitement of the evening played a part in that. I checked my phone one last time; still bothered that I had not heard back from Edward. To my surprise there was a text awaiting me. I viewed the message; relieved.
The Tutor ;) 7:22P.M.
Of course there would be a next time. Why wouldn't there be?
He knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I put the phone in my pocket taking a seat at the kitchen island. A small brown package sat directly in front of me.
"Ah, Isabella. Ciao!" Gianna greeted me as she placed a piping hot plate of Linguine with clam sauce in front of me.
"Mmmm. Ciao to you too, Gianna. You really didn't have to." I pointed to the plate before me. My mouth watering copiously as the delicious aroma's assaulted me. I twisted my fork in the slithering heap; collecting a mountain of noodles. The taste was titillating as I rolled the food around my mouth. My stomach screamed in thanks that I was finally putting something in it.
"Isabella, dee pacchetto…ees for you." She pointed to the small squared package I had noticed just moments before. I pulled it towards me; examining it. It was addressed to me with no return address.
Without thought I ripped it open. Opening the unmarked white box that lay below the parchment wrapping. I was not expecting what lay below the cover and neither was my stomach. What little I had swallowed came up with full force over the plate of unscathed food. I wretched and heaved as bile poured out of me. Gianna at my side; trying to catch the contents coming from me with a dish towel-panicked.
"Ees okay, Isabella…Shh…ees okay."
Was I crying too?
I glanced over at the box. Its contents now strewn in front of me-reminding me. My fathers badge, splattered with what I would assume was his blood. A piece of his uniform…burnt, barely recognizable…but I knew. And, what appeared to be…was that hair?
A note lay beneath the pile of ash and debris that littered the counter-top. It was hand written and messy. I read it from the distance; being that it was addressed to me.
Dearest Bella,
I haven't forgotten you. But, it seems as though you have forgotten me; haven't you, Bella?
I will remind you soon enough…I promise. Don't wait up for me, I can let myself in.
Your One and ONLY
Quickly, I fumbled for the phone in my pocket. Gianna stood aside as she watched my fingers work erratically to call the only person I knew to call…Alice. She picked up after the third ring.
"Bella, what's wrong?" She asked; out of breath and obviously busy.
"Alice!" I shrieked into the small phone, "PLEASE, Alice! You have to help me. He's come for me."
The link for Bella's costume is on my profile...it's definitely worth a look-see =)
Look's like Jerk-ob (thanks to ShamelesslyObsessed for the nickname) has made his triumphant return...
Happy NEW YEAR!!! I wish everyone lot's of good health and happiness in the new year...as always please review =)