I know I said I would have more time on my hands, but clearly I was wrong! A lot of stuff has been happening and keeping me busy, but I'm not stopping writing this, sometimes updates just might take a while :D

Chapter 7: The next step

When Rose woke up in her hospital bed she smiled. It was her last morning in that bed. It had been three weeks since she had woken up and it was finally time to go home. She was still physically recovering, but she was doing better every day. Martha had instructed her to walk a little more on a daily bases and that was what Rose had done. A little more exercise every day.

During the weeks spend in the hospital Rose had taken care of some arrangements. She had emailed all of her professors that she was taking time off from her studies so she could focus on getting better and they all had been very understanding. Rose had agreed with her parents that at first she should move back in with them and Tony. Even though she wasn't exactly looking forward to Jackie's overly protective caretaking, she knew she couldn't manage all by herself just yet. And John –though slightly disappointed- had agreed when she had explained that it would be far too soon for her to move into his apartment, since they were still figuring things out.

If only all the emotional complexity had been as easy to deal with as those arrangements.

Rose Tyler had always been a good girl. Okay, not always always, she had had her wild years. But she had always been very proud of her sense of right and wrong. She always knew where the line was and even when it was hard, she always found the strength to do the right thing.

But right now her senses were all messed up and giving her mixed signals. She wanted to get to know John better, but still kept in contact with Christopher at the same time. She wanted to see Christopher again but she still kept on spending time with John.

And she had been spending a lot of time with John. And it had been… nice. John was all that a woman could want, he was funny, intelligent, charismatic and good-looking. And Rose really did enjoy his company. They hadn't talked about the I-thought-you-were-leaving-me-kiss and they certainly had not kissed again. But all the same, time spend with him was pleasant. It was just the way they were tiptoeing around each other that bothered her. Rose didn't know how to start a relationship with someone who already had been in a relationship with older version of herself for over a year… She groaned in her bed. Oh, just thinking of their situation made her head hurt. During the weeks she had thought that things would get easier and they would be able to talk about the emotional and intimate stuff openly, but that had not happened yet. And it was so frustrating. Rose didn't like this frozen-state their relationship was in.

Still. She had made a decision, and she really really wanted to stick with it. Which was exactly the reason she should not keep on texting Christopher. And still she did. Rose had been sure she could resist the temptation even after the first text message he had send to her. You know, the one where he declared that he wasn't going to give up on her. Even though she hated the anti-feministic vibes it gave to her, she had to admit that there was something exciting when a man said that he would fight for her. Rose had made a great mistake by replaying to the text. After that they had been texting back and forth almost every day. Nothing too shocking, mainly about what either one of them had been up to during the day, he had catched Rose up with his current life as a journalist. When you came to think about it, it really was all innocent stuff. As Rose came to that conclusion she shook her head. She knew was just lying to herself. Had the texts been completely innocent, she wouldn't be feeling so incredibly guilty right now.

She was grateful when she saw Martha stepping into the room interrupting her not-so-innocent thoughts about certain leather-jacketed man. Lately, she was always happy to see Martha. During her time spend in the hospital she had started to regard Martha more as a friend than a doctor.

"Hello there! How are you feeling? It's your last day! Excited?" Martha smiled. "I will honestly miss you, spending time with you has been the highlight of my workdays," she said and started her routine check-up.

"Don't think you'll be getting rid of me," Rose said. "Mum's practically in love with you, there's no way you won't be invited over at least every other week."

Martha laughed. "Well someone has to make sure you're taken care of, so I'd love to." She checked some last readings of the machine next to Rose. "Alright you're all good to go whenever Jackie comes!"

An hour after Martha had left Rose could hear the door of her room open. She smiled expecting her mum to rush in fuzzing over packing Rose's stuff (which during these weeks had found place all around the room) but it wasn't Jackie who came through the door. It was Christopher.

Rose could actually feel her own eyes popping out of their sockets. "What- what are you doing here?" she stuttered as Christopher closed the door behind him. As he sat down not saying a word Rose could feel her confusion quickly turning into worrying and worrying quickly turning into anger. "Seriously Christopher what the hell are you doing here? I texted you that I'm going home today! Mum's probably already on her way over here and any minute John could-"

"What if I told you that I don't really care," Christopher cut in with a slightly maniac grin. Why, why did his smile still manage to make her insides do a backflip? "The fact is that you and I have to talk face to face about this whole situation," he waved his hand between himself and Rose and she didn't really need him to elaborate what he meant.

But just because she knew what he was after didn't mean she liked it. The whole thing between her and Christopher felt like a monster in a very fragile cage. A cage which would break down if they talked about the monster. Rose ran different scenarios in her head and decided that denying the monster's existence wouldn't work but she wasn't ready to free it just yet.

"Alright, fine!" she snarled. "But this is not the time or the place. I'll come by your place in a few days so we can talk." Rose tried desperately hide her shaking hands.

Christopher looked suspicious and also a little hurt by Rose's snappy tone. "Do you promise?"

"Yes of course," Rose answered a little softer. But she couldn't look directly at him, she was pointing her words mainly to his right ear. Looking at him hurt and reminded her of their time together and if she started to think about that, she might not be able to let him leave the room. "I promise. You're right, we should talk. But right now I need a few days to start putting my life together, beginning with-" she sighed "-living with my family."

After Rose promised two more times that she would visit him in a few days, Christopher agreed to leave. And not five minutes later Rose could hear her mum hustling through the corridors. Rose chuckled when she heard her mum complaining to nurse Hame about the wall colouring of the hospital ("So depressing this shade of yellow, probably making people even sicker than they are when they come in!").

Rose could feel the corners of her mouth curving upwards. Even though she knew that it could be very, very tiring living under the same root with her family –not because she didn't love them, she just knew her parents well enough to know they would be looking after her every move- she was finally moving forward. And she had to admit, Jackie always made her feel like everything was going to be okay. It was a superpower Rose hoped she could use on her future kids.

So she was grinning wide when she finally saw her mum popping in the doorway. "Hello sweetheart ready to go?"

"Like you wouldn't believe."

-:-:-:-

"Dad, I'm pretty sure nothing in this kitchen has ever tasted better," Rose muttered to her father with a full mouth of potatoes and steak. God, she had forgotten how good home-cooked food could taste. Especially food made by her dad. Pete was smiling to her from opposite the table. He hadn't really been speaking that much since Rose stepped inside the house, but his face told Rose everything she needed to know.

"I don't like it," said Tony right next to Rose while mushing the potatoes with his fork. Rose was still having some hard time understanding that Tony was such a big boy already, walking and talking around. He seemed to be a happy kid. Jackie had told her that he already had tons of friends and was just as curious about the world as his big sister had been at his age.

"Oi! Tony you're being rude! Your dad worked hard to cook us a nice meal, you ought to appreciate it," Jackie said.

"But I like your fish fingers more!" Tony whined.

"Oh you impossible boy," Jackie bemoaned.

Rose felt this beautiful warmth inside her as she watched her mum quarrel with her little brother. She was home. With people who loved her and she knew for sure she loved them back just as much. No confusion or uncertainty. Just a nice family dinner with simple family dinner problems. It almost made her forget the guilt she was feeling about her situation with certain gentlemen.

Almost.

When it came to Tony's bedtime, Rose had to read to him a few pages of the first Harry Potter novel – apparently they had had a deal that every time Rose was visiting she had to read it to him. And while Rose had been in the hospital, Jackie had tried to continue reading to Tony, but Tony didn't let her. Apparently reading Harry Potter was just their own little thing. And Rose loved it.

After Tony had fallen asleep, Rose was sitting in the living room with her dad, a glass of wine in her hand. Pete wasn't exactly an expert when it came to wines but had decided to buy one bottle of red to celebrate Rose's homecoming. Jackie was in the kitchen speaking on the telephone with one of her friends.

Pete glanced to the kitchen making sure Jackie couldn't hear him. "Rose honey, tell me how are you really doing with all of this?" Before Rose managed to open her mouth he continued, "And don't just say you're okay, I can see you're troubled. And so can your mother," he nodded towards the kitchen, "She just doesn't want to admit it."

Rose sighed. After dinner she had started to feel anxious and apparently she wasn't doing that great trying to hide it. "Well, I really am happy to be out of the hospital and home with you guys. I just… I don't know what I'm supposed to do now," she said honestly.

"Is it about John?" Pete asked and put his hand on Rose's shoulder trying to comfort her.

Rose groaned. "No! Well… I mean yes… that too. It's everything. I'm not getting my memories back and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without knowing anything! But I still want to move forward, I just don't know how. I want to know the next step. I know that going back to school right way isn't the smartest idea, but still I want to aim for something, do something" Rose hid her face to her hands. She had troubles forming her thoughts into words, but she knew her dad would understand her.

Pete sighed. "Rose I know I don't have to tell you to take it easy and focus on getting better because you already know that. But I'm going to tell you to be more merciful to yourself. You don't have to figure out everything right here and now."

Rose didn't say anything, she didn't have to. She knew her dad was right.

"Oh Lord look at the clock, it's almost midnight!" Rose quickly straightened herself and drank last of her win as Jackie rushed in from the kitchen. "I think it's about time we all go to sleep. Sweetheart, I've prepared your old room for you."

As Rose put down the glass, Jackie came to her side supporting her getting up. Rose knew she could walk the stairs just fine as long as she took them slow, but she also knew her mum needed to feel like she was helping. So Rose let her walk her upstairs into her old room.

It was good to see that even though her life felt like a complete mess with all the familiar pieces all over the place, some things hadn't changed. Her room was still exactly how she remembered it, with beautiful blue curtains, grey carpet and her very own bed. The only new thing was a small suitcase which Jackie had filled with items like clothes and books which she had thought Rose would need. She had visited both Rose's own flat and also John's place collecting the most essential stuff. Rose appreciated her mum's work and decided to unpack the suit case in the morning.

After wishing Jackie goodnight Rose quickly changed and jumped on her bed and under the sheets. Oh God, how comfortable a bed could get?! She reached for her phone which was on the small nightstand. She had received one new message. For a second she thought it would be from Christopher, but it was from John, sent only about ten minutes ago. Rose couldn't help feeling a tiny bit sad the text wasn't from Christopher, even though she knew she shouldn't. But on the other hand she wasn't exactly disappointed that the text was from John. How messed up am I? She thought as she read the text.

Are you still up?

Rose laid down on her bed – after weeks in a hospital bed this one really felt like a cloud – and pressed John's name and put the phone on her ear.

"Hello! I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, I'm just now getting into bed." Rose yawned. "Pretty tired though."

"Oh, right, sorry I should let you sleep! I just wanted to know how you were doing. I would've visited you today around ten am, but Donna really needed help at the Tardis and when I got to work you had already left." Rose closed her eyes. Thank God Donna had asked John to help, otherwise he would've come around the same time that Christopher had appeared. She rubbed her face with her free hand. How long could she handle the stress with these men?

On the other end of the phone John was going on and on about a patient who had insisted that he hadn't drunk anything before hitting a tree with his car. "… And when I explained that it wasn't possible to get that amount of alcohol in his blood without drinking alcohol he admitted that he had had couple of beers, but 'that's alright because it's not real alcohol'. Anyhow, how're you doing? Everything alright there?"

"Mmm… It's going fine. I mean it's kinda weird to be back home and having mum fussing over me, but it's fine really. Weird but fine," Rose said. And it really was an advancement from previous.

While she was in the hospital she had been physically doing good, but everything about herself had felt wrong. Her hair was longer and slightly darker than she remembered, she had put on a few pounds and she had suddenly been craving for coffee all the time even though she didn't even know she drank coffee. Last weeks had been such a strange adjustment period. She had been uncomfortable in her own skin for weeks so that craziness developing into 'weird but fine' felt like a victory. "How was working in the Tardis? Any hiccups?" she asked.

"Rose, I'm a nationally recognized doctor with multiple degrees and I've been watching Donna and you working there for many, many times. I think I can work out any 'hiccups' while working in a coffee shop."

"Really?"

"Nope, it was an absolute disaster."

For the first time in days Rose forget her own problems and had an honest laugh. "What happened? How did a nationally recognized doctor with multiple degrees manage to screw up in a café?"

Rose could hear a slight annoyance in John's voice. "Well, how is a human being supposed to remember which customer wanted a muffin with frosting and which wanted a cake without frosting and which wanted just tea? It's absurd, no one can remember things like that! Also there might have been a slight problem with the coffee maker."

"I am starting to worry for your patients," Rose teased still giggling. "Poor people don't know that the man they are giving their lives to take care of can't make coffee or remember a few orders."

"Oi! You are a rude woman Rose Tyler," he cried. "Anyhow, Donna told me not to help her ever again. I don't think she wholly appreciated my work today."

An idea popped into Rose's head. She hadn't really thought about it since she couldn't remember doing it before, but it made complete sense.

"So, I take it Donna hasn't hired anyone in my place then?" she asked with sudden excitement. She didn't even let John answer before continuing: "Because if she needs help, I'm ready to work! I mean if she'll have me back of course."

The other end of the line was silent. Rose knew John was thinking of ways to shoot her down.

"And don't you say it's too soon, or that I need to focus on getting better."

"Well, to be fair that is true. You should be focusing on getting better," John said and continued with a darker voice. "Rose, I don't think it's the best idea for you to start working so soon, you don't need the extra stress."

Rose rolled her eyes. "This constant caretaking you and my parents are doing is more of a stress maker than any job. John, I've been going through a lot of physical therapy, I've talked to psychiatrist several times, I have been focusing only on myself for weeks. I need something to do that's not about me. You know, like a normal human being."

"Alright, I see your point. But still, couldn't you think of something else to do? Working in the Tardis is surprisingly exhausting. Always on your feet, running around… I would feel a lot better if you would find a hobby or something. Something that isn't so hard physically."

"Well, I wouldn't feel any better if I did that. And I'm calling Donna tomorrow."

After a few extra arguments from John, Rose decided it was time to say goodnight. He hadn't succeeded changing her mind and for the first time in ages Rose was truly excited. A little scared for sure (who isn't when starting in a new job? Or old job. Christ her life was complicated.) but still excited.

Rose started to drift to the state between awake and asleep. It was kinda strange how (after the first shock of course) easy it was to speak with John. Rose still wasn't exactly sure how she was feeling towards him now, but she could see why they were together despite their differences. Their conversations floated naturally, and it was all very nice.

But was nice enough? Right now it felt more like they were good friends. Rose hadn't dare to bring up the kiss in the hospital and neither had John, God forbid that anything like that had happened again. She knew John loved her and she knew she had loved him too, but neither one of them would talk about moving forward. It was all very much like the game musical chairs. They were dancing around a chair and though it was a nice dance, eventually the music would end and they would have to try to sit on the chair.

Then there was the third player. Rose knew she hadn't really had a relationship with Christopher in years and she shouldn't feel anything romantic towards him. But right now knowing something was not helping her. There was still passion there. Passion that made her heart jump when she saw him. Passion that even after years of not being together made him appear into her hospital room after just one phone call.

Rose hated this situation. She knew that whatever she did at least one person would get hurt.

She turned in her bed and tried to think about her dad's words. She didn't have to figure out everything at once. Just step by step. And the next step would be calling Donna and getting to do something productive with her time.