Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 7: All Through The Night

A/N: Okay, here it is finally. I hope you guys like it and I hope you don't hold my updating delays against me. My family and I were away for the weekend and I don't have internet or even access to a computer where we were.

Zack dozed in the car seat in the back of the sedan, oblivious to what was going on. Olivia turned to stare at her son every few seconds. His pajama clad legs and feet sharply contrasted with the jacket and hat she had put on him to protect him from the chili November night air.

She turned her attention back to the road in front of them. Conversation had been severely lacking between her and Elliot since they had left the house but she was too afraid to be the one to break the silence.

"How old is he?" Elliot finally asked, tired of the silence.

"Hmm?" Olivia turned in his direction.

"How old is Zack?" Elliot clarified.

"Five months," she responded with a small smile. The silence descended on them once more until Olivia finally worked up the courage to ask a question of her own "How's Kathy?" She watched as a dark look spread across Elliot's face and regretted having asked.

"Uh… She died about a year and a half ago," he kept his answer simple, his eyes fixed on the road as he spoke.

"Oh God," Olivia whispered, her hand automatically coming to rest on Elliot's upper arm "Elliot… I'm so sorry."

Elliot just kept his gaze on the road, trying hard to bite back the comments about how he had needed her and she was nowhere to be found. How his kids had come to live with him and he had listened to Elizabeth cry night after night and he wished that Olivia had been there because Elizabeth refused to talk to him.

Olivia watched the look on Elliot's face and was almost afraid to continue the conversation but somewhere inside her, she knew that she had to try and fix what she had broken. "What about the baby?" she asked and was rewarded with a small smile breaking through Elliot's façade.

"Rose and the other kids live with me," he told her.

"Rose," Olivia repeated "That's a beautiful name. She's… about how old now?"

"Twenty one months," Elliot said proudly just as they pulled up to the morgue. He turned to Olivia "I wish you'd waited until tomorrow. It would have been nice if Simon was available to watch Zack. This is no place for a baby."

Olivia sighed, getting out of the car and unbuckling Zack from the car seat. He barely stirred in his sleep and she only prayed he would remain that way "I know," she told Elliot as she moved beside him towards the building "But I just have to know for sure. You know?"

Elliot held the door open for her and nodded "Yeah," he said softly. He completely understood the need to know for sure. When Elizabeth had found Kathy's body, he hadn't believed her until he had seen it with his own two eyes.

Elliot led Olivia to the area where family members viewed the bodies via closed circuit television. "Are you sure?" he asked one last time.

"Elliot," she sighed and he knew that there was no way he could talk her out of this.

"I'll go tell Warner you're here," he said, walking away.

Olivia watched him go and for a moment she felt an intense fear that he might not come back. She took a deep breath and calmed herself quickly though. Zack began to stir into wakefulness and Olivia began to sway gently to calm him "Your Mommy really screwed up kiddo," she told him as she waited for Elliot to return.

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Melinda looked up from her papers when Elliot walked in. "Hey," she greeted "I already gave the full report to Chester."

"Porter's wife is here to ID the body," Elliot began.

"I didn't know he had a wife," Melinda said as she stood to wheel the body in front of the camera.

Elliot cleared his throat "It's Olivia," he told her flatly.

"Oh," Melinda froze in her stride. "How long has it been?" she asked.

"Two and a half years," Elliot answered.

Melinda continued to make her way to where Porter's body lay. "I hope he's presentable," she said softly.

Elliot nodded "Me too," he turned and headed back out to the viewing area where Olivia was waiting for him.

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He stood beside her as she stared at the screen, one hand intentionally guiding Zack's head so that he was facing in the exact opposite direction. She watched the sheet covered figure come into focus and she held her breath as Melinda pulled the sheet down past the man's face. Olivia stared blankly for a few seconds. It couldn't be possible. There was no way. He was supposed to come home to her and their son. He was supposed to live a long life. They were supposed to watch Zack take his first steps together. She found herself breathing heavily "It's him," she said finally.

"I'm sorry," Elliot embraced her and Zack while Olivia fought the flood gates.

Zack, sensing his mother's apprehension, began to fuss. Olivia pulled away from Elliot and attempted to soothe him but she found herself unable to. Elliot reached out and placed a hand on the little boy's back "Let me try?" he asked Olivia in an almost whisper. Olivia handed Zack to Elliot as she reached in her pocket for a tissue. Elliot rocked Zack in his arms "It's okay buddy," he cooed "You're okay big guy." Zack calmed down after a minute or two and Elliot handed him back to Olivia just as his cell phone rang.

"Stabler," he answered, stepping away from Olivia to take the call.

"Did you find Porter's next of kin?" Downing asked.

"Yes," Elliot responded "His wife."

"Bring her in for questioning," Downing commanded.

"What?" Elliot almost lost his balance.

"We need to get her statement," Downing told him "I want to close this one as soon as possible."

Elliot tried to bite back his comment but it made its way through anyway "Think you'll be able to move up a couple rungs on the ladder if you do?"

"Watch your step Detective," Downing said warningly "Bring her in now." There was a click on the other end of the phone and then silence.

Elliot turned to see Olivia, rocking Zack in her arms and singing softly to him. The tune was an old lullaby that Elliot himself had sung to Rose many times.

Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,
All through the night

Angels watching, e'er around thee,
All through the night
Midnight slumber close surround thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,
All through the night

She'd been through so much tonight. Elliot wasn't thrilled about taking her to the precinct to be questioned. Then there was Zack. His fever had only just broken an hour or so ago. He belonged at home in his crib. Elliot was afraid that all this being out and about would cause his fever to return. But, orders were orders and he couldn't just take Olivia and Zack home; if he didn't bring Olivia in for questioning, Elliot knew that Downing would.

He crossed the room to where Olivia was standing and tapped her on the shoulder "I never knew you had such a pretty singing voice," he said softly.

Olivia's cheeks blushed momentarily and she cleared her throat "Thanks," she said, trying to hide the embarrassment in her voice.

"That's Rose's favorite lullaby," Elliot informed her with a half smile, not yet ready to tell her that Downing had told him to bring her in for questioning.

Olivia returned his smile "Zack's too," she said as she bounced the half asleep baby in her arms.

Elliot cleared his throat, shifting uneasily, trying to find the right way to broach the subject. He opened his mouth but Olivia spoke before he could.

"Who was on the phone?" she asked, looking at him pointedly as if she knew just what was coming.

"Captain Downing," Elliot said simply.

"I need to make a statement," Olivia said in realization. She looked down at Zack. It wasn't good for him to be dragged everywhere in the middle of the night with her. She dropped a gentle kiss to his head "I'm sorry sweetie," she whispered.

Elliot put a hand on her shoulder "We should probably get going."

Olivia nodded and followed him to the car "What kind of a man is Downing?" she asked as she set Zack in the car seat and strapped him in. Cragen's resignation had been covered in the media and Olivia was well aware that he was no longer in charge of the Special Victims Unit. Very little however had been said about his replacement or the kind of man he was.

Elliot blew out a long breath and watched the steam that it created in the air "He's an ass," Elliot said as he slid into the driver's seat.

"If I remember correctly," Olivia remarked as she slid in beside him and closed her door "You could be somewhat of an ass yourself."

Elliot laughed "Yeah," he admitted "But not like this guy. All he wants is to claw his way out of SVU."

Olivia dropped her gaze "And Dean's murder is just the thing to help him get that boost," she murmured. She looked back up at Elliot "He's not gonna care about my statement. He'll arrest the first person who looks good for it."

Elliot started the car and reached across the seat, taking Olivia's hand into his "I promise you, I won't let him just go for an easy arrest. We'll find the person who did this."

They drove in silence for a few minutes before Olivia spoke again "I already know who killed him."

Elliot hit the breaks and the car screeched to a stop, causing Zack to start crying. He turned to Olivia who was already focused on comforting her son "What?" he asked.

"Shhh," Olivia was cooing to Zack. She hadn't even heard Elliot.

He reached out and grabbed her arm lightly "Olivia," he said almost harshly "What do you mean?"

Olivia turned to him "Trent Nash," she said simply before turning her attention back to her son.

"Who is Trent Nash?" Elliot questioned, becoming more worried about Olivia by the second.

Zack calmed down and Olivia's attention shifted back to Elliot "He's the man that Dean was going undercover to apprehend. He's a sexual sadist and hit man for the mob."

"That's a bad combination," Elliot muttered just as they pulled up in front of the 1-6. He turned to Olivia. She was about to step back into an old life to face a new challenge. He hoped she was ready. He stepped out of the car, smirking to himself when he imagined the looks on Munch and Fin's faces. He looked over at Olivia who had just picked Zack up from the back seat. "Ready?" he asked.

"As I'll ever be," she replied with a heavy sigh as she shifted Zack's weight to her other arm and followed Elliot inside.

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O'Halloran finished dusting Porter's wallet for fingerprints when he noticed something odd. The wallet had little plastic scraps clinging to the inside. O'Halloran took his own wallet out for comparison. The plastic scraps appeared to be the remains of the little plastic envelopes used to hold family photos. Judging from the uneven edges, someone had ripped the photos out of the wallet. The question was, who and why?

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"Where were you between four and five this afternoon?" Chester Lake asked Olivia as he sat across the table from her in interrogation. Once Downing had found out that Olivia was Elliot's former partner and that just about everyone in the unit had known her for years, he had been ready to handle the interrogation himself but Chester had stepped in just in time to save Olivia from that fate.

"I was at the pharmacy, getting the prescription filled," Olivia answered. She kept her head high as she sat there, though being on the other side of the table made her feel uneasy. She knew that until they could confirm her story, she would be treated as a suspect.

"Did anyone see you there?" Chester asked.

"Yeah," Olivia told him in a soft voice as she remembered "Sally, the girl who stocks the shelves waited with me. Zack was running such a high fever and it's the first one he's ever had. The person who fills the prescriptions was backed up and I was waiting forever," tears started to come to Olivia's eyes "I was a wreck. Sally has three kids and she's done this kind of thing before and she talked to me and told me it was going to be okay."

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Downing turned to Casey "Get Munch and Fin to find this Sally person, confirm her story."

Casey nodded "It'll check out," she said matter-of-factly. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that Downing was just wasting time questioning Olivia.

"Sure," Downing said, disbelievingly "Have them check anyway."

Casey walked off in a huff. It was Downing who should have been telling Munch and Fin to track down Sally Meadows but Downing knew that they were more likely to listen to Casey. Downing was no fool, he knew that the squad hated his guts and he knew that they were all very well aware of his motives. He stared through the glass at Olivia; something told him that she had to have something to do with her husband's murder, Paul Downing though, was not known for his powers of deduction.

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Casey walked into the bullpen to see Elliot, sitting in his chair, holding a very upset Zack. Elliot looked very worried. Casey slid into the chair at Chester's desk "What's wrong?" she asked.

"His fever's back," Elliot replied, feeling the little boy's forehead again in the hoped that his temperature would have dropped to normal in the last five seconds.

"Downing wants Munch and Fin to check Liv's alibi," Casey informed him.

Elliot almost screamed but then remembered he was holding a baby and swallowed his frustration "How can he think that she could have anything to do with this?" he asked.

"He doesn't know her like we do," Casey stated. Then she thought of something and added "But Elliot, it's been two and a half years. Do we even know her that well anymore?"

"Casey, you can't think that she'd…" Elliot trailed off and looked at the ADA in pure shock.

"No," Casey said quickly "But… she has a kid now."

"That doesn't mean she's capable of murder," Elliot countered. While it was true that Olivia had broken all lines of communication between herself and not only Elliot but all of the squad, that had all been his fault in the first place anyway and wasn't in the least bit evidence that she could possibly be capable of killing someone.

"It does if Porter posed some sort of danger to her son," Casey stated. They had seen this kind of thing before and although Casey didn't want to believe that Olivia could do something as gruesome as stabbing her husband to death, she couldn't dismiss her doubts so easily.

Elliot stood up, still holding Zack "There is no way that she did this and all of you have a screw loose if you think she did."

Elliot walked upstairs to the crib with Zack just as Munch and Fin walked in with O'Halloran, trailing close behind.

"I have to ask Olivia something," O'Halloran said quickly "Where is she?"

"In interrogation," Casey answered before turning to Munch and Fin "You need to go find Sally Meadows and confirm that Olivia was in the pharmacy at the time that Porter was killed."

"You mean Downing actually thinks she could have done this?" Munch scoffed.

"The sooner you confirm her alibi," Casey said firmly "The sooner you can get that idea out of his mind."

Fin went to his computer and pulled up and address for Sally Meadows "Ready to go wake a young mother up in the middle of the night?" he asked his partner with a heavy shrug of his shoulders.

Munch turned to Casey "I don't suppose Downing will let this wait until morning?"

"You and I both know that if someone doesn't show him that she couldn't possibly be involved, he'll just keep her hear until you do," Casey said with a sigh.

"All right," Munch turned to his partner "Let's go."

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O'Halloran practically bowled Downing over on his race to the interrogation room. He was about to burst through the door when Downing grabbed him by his shoulders and turned the younger man to face him "What the hell?" he asked angrily.

O'Halloran had quite possibly less respect for Downing than the other members of the unit which was really saying something. He simply shrugged Downing off and reached for the door handle "Watch and learn," he shot in Downing's direction. He opened the door and approached the table. "Olivia," he said quickly "Did your husband keep any pictures in his wallet?"

Olivia looked at O'Halloran for a moment "Yeah," she answered as if that question was the most unnecessary one she had ever heard. "He had a picture of Zack and me on the porch at my brother's house and a wallet sized picture of us on our wedding day. Why?"

"Someone ripped the pictures out of his wallet," O'Halloran told her.

Olivia stared at him in surprise. Why would someone steal family photos from someone's wallet? It didn't make any sense.

At that moment, Downing opened the door and hauled O'Halloran into the hallway "You report to me, not to the suspect," he hissed.

"She's not a suspect," O'Halloran spat back. True, he didn't know Olivia Benson as well as Munch or Fin or Elliot did but he knew that there was no way she could commit a murder, especially one so heinous as Dean Porter's.

"Nonetheless," Downing continued "You should have run this evidence by me first. If you have anything else to share, I suggest you do it now."

"There were no fingerprints on the wallet," O'Halloran told the arrogant son-of-a-bitch.

"So," Downing didn't seem impressed "The guy wore gloves."

"No he didn't," O'Halloran stated.

"But you said there were no fingerprints," Downing almost shouted. This guy was starting to piss him off.

"Yeah, no fingerprints, not even Porter's. Whoever put the wallet there wiped it clean."

"That doesn't-" Downing started to say but was cut off by someone forcing his way down the hall towards them.

"Excuse me," Henry Fisher said loudly "I understand you're holding one of my agents for questioning."

Downing turned to the other man "As of now she's a suspect in the murder of another one of your agents," he told Fisher.

"That isn't possible," Fisher said, standing nose to nose with Downing "I demand to see her right now."

Downing stepped aside and allowed Fisher to enter the interrogation room. Fisher tapped Chester on the shoulder "You can leave now," he said authoritatively. Chester did as he was asked and Fisher turned to Olivia "I just heard about Dean… Olivia, I'm so sorry. How are you holding up?"

"Okay I guess," Olivia said, her voice choking up slightly "I don't know if it's completely set in yet you know?"

Fisher nodded "Dean loved you very much you know?" Olivia nodded "He'd be furious with these guys for bringing you in for questioning."

"It's their job," Olivia defended her former colleagues, after all, it had been her job too once.

"Not anymore it isn't," Fisher told her plainly "Dean was like a son to me. I'm taking over this investigation."

Olivia cracked a small smile, remembering turf wars that she had been involved in when she had worked at SVU "I don't think they'll let you take it without a fight."

"If it's a fight they want," Fisher half smirked "It's a fight they'll get." He looked around and asked "Where's Zack?"

"He's with Elliot," Olivia responded, not even stopping to wonder why her boss knew that she had Zack with her.

A shadow seemed to drift across Fisher's face "Your former partner?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered "He's the one who came to tell me about Dean."

"Oh," Fisher responded before adding "The NYPD isn't going to steal you away from me, are they?"

Olivia managed a small chuckle "No sir," she replied.

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An hour and a half later and Olivia's name was cleared. Munch and Fin had gotten Sally Meadows' statement as well as the security camera footage from the pharmacy that showed Olivia entering with Zack just before four and not leaving until well after five thirty.

Elliot had been pacing with Zack up in the crib, wishing that Olivia had packed the medicine in the diaper bag but they had been in a hurry and as far as she had known at the time, Zack's fever wouldn't come back.

When Olivia was finally allowed to leave the interrogation room, Casey pointed her in the direction of the crib, telling her that Elliot and Zack were up there. Casey embraced her friend warmly, feeling bad for ever having doubted her even in the least.

Olivia walked past Downing's office on her way to the crib. Even though the door was closed, she could hear Downing and Fisher arguing at full volume about who would claim jurisdiction. She sighed, climbing the stairs. Deep down, she almost hoped that Downing would win. She felt like Dean's killer would be caught if Elliot was involved in the investigation. She reached the crib and knocked softly on the door before pushing it open "Hey," she said softly as she stepped into the relatively dark room and towards Elliot's shadowy form.

"Hi," Elliot couldn't help himself and he wrapped his free arm around her "So they finally cut you loose?" he asked, making a half assed attempt at humor.

"I guess," Olivia shrugged as she took her sleeping son from Elliot "Oh my God," she whispered "He's burning up again."

Elliot handed her the moist cloth that he had been pressing against Zack's forehead to try and lower his temperature "You should get him home and give him some more medicine," he said warmly, his hand going to the small of her back, guiding her towards the door. "I'll drive you."

"Thanks," she whispered as her eyes misted over and she tried to keep herself from crying. It had been a long night "I'm glad it was you who came to my house tonight," she admitted as they descended the stairs. "I'm not sure if I can handle this but I'm glad that I got to see you again."

"Me too," Elliot said warmly as he opened the car door for her "Maybe we can get things back to the way they used to be between us?" he asked hopefully, strapping Zack into the car seat. He came around and slid into the driver's seat to find Olivia staring at him, her cheeks wet with tears.

"I'd like that," she whispered. She didn't dare voice her thoughts about how things could never be the way they used to be between them. Neither of them had forgotten that night two and a half years ago. She didn't say these things though because she knew that she was going to need Elliot if she was ever going to get through losing Dean. She leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes. She was so tired from the night's events and she felt so safe with Elliot there beside her that she fell asleep almost instantly.

Elliot looked over at her sleeping form. He vowed that he would find Dean's murderer and bring him to justice as he drove through the silent streets.

Guardian angels God will send thee.

All through the night