Annie's Song
Disclaimer: I have no claims on the Stargate world and am making no money on this story. I'm just telling the story that's in my head, and hope you enjoy it.
Author's Note:
Thanks so much to all my readers, old and new. I'm sorry this chapter has taken so long to post. I think my writing mojo went away to hide for a while, but I hope you like it, and I will do everything in my power to make sure the next one comes sooner. Many extra thanks to poetheather1 for the beta read, the suggestions, and the chapter title.
Chapter Seven - Interspersion:
(noun) – the act of combining one thing at intervals among other things
(ecology) – the level or degree of intermingling of one kind of organism with others in the community
Sam and Daniel went to get lunch from the food line, but found themselves both looking back toward Annie, Teal'c and Vala every couple minutes. "I'm amazed at how well she seems to be adjusting. Do you think we should be worried about that? I mean, shouldn't she be more upset about things?"
Daniel shook his head and grabbed a banana for Annie. "I don't know. Unfortunately child psychology isn't one of my areas of study. I'm not sure what normal is in this situation, especially since this situation isn't what most people on the planet would consider even remotely normal."
"You have a point there," Sam said with a slight chuckle. "Sometimes I wonder how we're not insane after all the things we've seen and dealt with." She picked up a chef salad for her and the pb&j Annie had requested. She had a series of fleeting thoughts, buying peanut butter and jelly for Annie, how she'd need to adjust her work schedule, her morning routine, what she and Daniel were going to do about living arrangements, all the things a nearly-four-year-old girl would already have that they would now need to go buy. She moved along the cafeteria line automatically, lost in her memories of helping Janet do all that shopping, and redecorate the guest room to become Cassandra's room. Janet had been overwhelmed by becoming a parent, but she'd eased into it quite smoothly when all was said and done. Sam choked up a little, wishing Janet could be here to help them make these adjustments for Annie, and wishing Annie didn't have to be missing Janet as well. Of course, then she thought of the Janet Annie was missing, and realized that alternate Janet must be going out of her mind. The abrupt disappearance from Annie's bedroom wouldn't likely have left any explanation, and Janet probably had police and SFs searching the state for Annie.
Sam didn't realize how much these thoughts were affecting her until she felt Daniel's hand on her arm. "You okay?"
She nodded and took a deep breath. "Just missing Janet, and thinking of how Annie's Janet must be feeling right now. I hope we can get that thing to work so we can let her know Annie's safe."
Daniel slowly rubbed up and down her arm, elbow to shoulder, "We will, Sam. We'll figure something out. We always do, right?"
She smiled at that. "Yeah, we always do."
They both grabbed some water bottles before going to join the others.
Annie had been sitting quietly until Vala couldn't take it anymore. "Why so quiet, Annie? You want to tell us what you've been up to?"
Annie glanced at Vala, then Teal'c, then back to Vala. "I… I just d-didn't know what to say." She looked nervous, and Vala wondered what was wrong.
"Are you all right, Annie? You know you're safe here with us, right? And your parents will be back in just a few minutes with lunch."
Annie nodded briefly, "I know. But… you stayed with me when we were camping, and in our special room here, but you don't really know me. You d-d-didn't know who I w-w-was." She was getting more upset as she talked and Vala wasn't sure how to handle it. They'd all thought that pretending to know Annie was the best thing at the time… and then she realized this was Sam and Daniel's brilliant child. Why not just explain it to her?
"Well, Annie, when your mom and dad first found you, and you knew all of us, we wanted you to feel safe with us. You see, we could tell right away that you were an amazing young girl and we wanted to take very good care of you. We all thought that would be easier, since you already knew us, if we pretended to know you, just long enough to figure out what happened."
Annie looked at Vala, skepticism on her young face, and held her breath slightly before asking her next question. "So, is it okay that I'm here? If everybody doesn't know me, but I know them, can I still stay?"
Vala reached out, gently squeezing Annie's shoulder, "Of course, you can stay here!" She glanced at Teal'c for reassurance.
"Indeed," he said very calmly, reminding Vala of when Annie imitated him the day they'd found her. "And since you do know me, but I have yet to officially meet you, I would like to ask you a very important question."
His very serious demeanor caught Annie's attention. She calmed quickly, and looked at him expectantly, putting on her best 'grown up, serious, and important' behavior.
"By what name were you known to my other self?"
Annie blinked at him, quickly shifting from serious and expectant to confused and concerned. She glanced at Vala briefly, and clearly wanted to answer Teal'c but simply didn't know how.
"What he means, sweetie, is when you were on that other earth, what did Teal'c call you?"
"Oh," understanding was evident in her voice. "He called me" she straightened up and tilted her head down a little, affecting the 'deep' voice she'd used during her previous imitation, "Andrea Carter-Jackson." Shifting back into her regular voice and posture, Annie continued, "I tole' him to call me Annie, but he never did." She paused again, gazing thoughtfully at an invisible spot on the table while she bit her lip, then finally looked up at Teal'c and said "He never called me Little One. I like that, too."
Teal'c smiled, "I shall remember that… Andrea Carter-Jackson."
Vala smiled at Teal'c, thinking of how sweet he'd been with Annie, and she knew by his inflection – and the fact it's just the way he was – that he would be using her full name most of the time, but she had a feeling he'd remember that she liked him to call her Little One, and that would come out in times of distress or celebration. Vala suspected that would become Annie's special nickname among those who loved her, and was almost surprised when that thought made her realize that she was among those who'd already grown to love this child. She couldn't imagine how Daniel or Samantha must be feeling.
Vala followed those thoughts through the ideas of parenthood and straight into her memories of Adria. From the beginning, she'd known that Adria wasn't just a regular child, and especially after her birth when the unnaturally speedy aging had started, Vala hadn't really been able to delude herself into thinking she could have a regular relationship with her "daughter," but it didn't stop her wishing for it. Despite Adria's purpose and dedication to the Ori, Vala had always felt an inexplicable bond with her, and still mourned the fact that she'd never been able to nurture that bond. She could easily see that Sam and Daniel were developing that same bond with Annie and the realization left her a bit jealous.
She blinked, suddenly aware she'd been gazing off into space and completely lost in her thoughts, and that Annie was in deep conversation with Teal'c now. "…and I saw the jello cups and they don't look the same. Walter didn't know what I meant, but I guess that's just 'cause he's never been to my earth."
"Indeed he has not. You knew Walter in your reality as well?"
"Uh-huh. He came to a party for Mommy and Daddy one time. Other Mommy and Daddy, I mean." She looked down, sad for a moment, and Vala imagined she must be quite confused. As she watched, though, Annie perked back up and continued what she'd been saying, "And that Walter wanted my teacher to be his girlfriend. He tole' me, but he was too shy to tell her."
Sam and Daniel had just arrived and all the adults chuckled at that statement. They could understand Walter being shy. He'd always been very quiet around them and they'd worked together for more than a decade.
"Will I have the same teacher here? Is Miss Linda here?"
"I don't know, sweetie, but we can go find out after lunch. We need to get everything ready for you to start going to preschool next week anyway. Do you feel like taking care of that after lunch and then we can go home?" Sam asked.
Annie had just taken a bite of her sandwich, so she nodded as she chewed.
"Then Andrea Carter-Jackson will be attending the base day care?"
Daniel nodded. "Yes, it seems the best option, and she's already familiar with it, or at least her version of it. They should be quite similar."
"Plus it lets her come to work with us and we can go visit her there if we have time," Sam added. She was pleased to see Annie's smile. Visits would, of course, be limited to when they weren't off-world, but she hoped the General could keep those missions short for at least a few weeks, just while Annie was adjusting to things and settling in. It would be important to make sure Annie felt safe and secure.
They took Annie to the base day care after lunch and she was very pleased to learn that she would indeed be in Miss Linda's class, but she managed to hold her tongue in front of the teacher. Her parents had warned her not to talk about the other earth or act like she knew anyone in there. Sam couldn't hold back her smile when Annie assured them that she wouldn't tell anyone the "classy-fried stuffs."
Once all the day care details were taken care of, the new family left the base for the first time. Daniel had suggested they stay at Sam's house for now, since she had an extra bedroom where Annie could sleep, but they'd have to figure out what kind of living arrangements they would need for the long term.
Annie seemed to be making a game out of the differences she saw, which Daniel thought was a good sign for her adjustment. "First Mommy's car was black, not blue. Oh, and at the other day care, the baby room was where the pre-school room is here." Sam found herself grateful that the blue car she'd bought last year was one of the ones with a built-in child seat. She hadn't thought she'd ever need it, but she liked the car and since the seat folded down and the restraints were behind it, she'd felt there was no need to choose a different car. When she'd mentioned that to Daniel earlier while they were working out basic details, he'd simply smiled and said it was kismet.
Their first stop was a children's consignment store. They'd decided that would be the best way to get her most of the basics quickly. Sam was amused by the way Annie wanted to look through the clothes. Because they were hung too high for her, she rode on Sam's hip, but kept twisting and stretching to flip through the shirts, moving them one hanger at a time and considering the looks. Her expressions of disapproval ranged from an exaggerated scrunched nose and mouth or fake gagging to the rare, but interestingly subtle shake of her head. She clearly had a preference for blues and greens and a fairly strong dislike of yellow. She liked most t-shirts with cute animals, but she seemed to prefer plain or patterned tops over the ones with characters or pictures on them.
"Daddy?" She called to him from the dressing room where Sam was helping her try things on.
"Yes, sweetie?" He'd been a few feet away considering the rack of lightweight jackets, but moved closer to the dressing room to make sure he could hear her.
"Mommy said we have to stop somewhere else when we're done so we can get me some new undiepanties. I don't like the baby kind with cartoons, 'cause I'm not a baby."
Daniel smiled and shook his head slightly. "No, you're not a baby. We'll let you pick them out to make sure you like them, okay?"
"That's what Mommy said, too!" She sounded quite pleased about their agreement, and Daniel wondered if that was because it was familiar to her. In thinking about her statement, Daniel found himself a bit saddened by the fact that he'd never know her as a baby; he'd never see her first steps, hear her first words, or know which teeth she cut first. But ultimately, those weren't the things that truly mattered. He'd be there for her as she adjusted to her new life, and for her first day of kindergarten, her school plays, her sleepovers and birthday parties. He and Sam would be there for her first date and her graduation. Daniel felt more than a little overwhelmed by all that lay ahead, and somewhat surprised by how much he was looking forward to it. She'd only been in their lives for a few days, and already it was hard to imagine life without her.
He'd gotten so lost in those thoughts that he didn't realize Sam and Annie had finished in the dressing room until Sam was standing right in front of him. As he jerked himself back to the present and made eye contact with her, it occurred to him, so far in the back of his mind that it was nearly his subconscious, that it had only taken a few days to feel that way about Sam, too. They'd clicked immediately, and looking back, he couldn't imagine a time when she wasn't his best friend. "All finished then? Did we find a lot of things that fit?"
Sam nodded and gestured with the armful of clothes she was holding, "most of it fit, but there were some things she decided she didn't like once she'd tried them on."
Annie was standing next to Sam, holding onto Sam with one hand, and tightly gripping a light blue t-shirt with the other. "This one is my favorite!" She let go of Sam's hand so she could display the shirt for Daniel. "I like the monkey on it," she said with a big grin. Daniel and Sam exchanged smiles after Daniel read the shirt: Warning: Extreme Monkey-Powered Awesomeness Enclosed.
"I think that's a great shirt!" Daniel's approval clearly made Annie happy, as evidenced by her giggle as she skipped around while Sam paid for her things.
A couple more stops for "undiepanties" and a few groceries, and they finally made it to Sam's house. Sam helped Annie out of her safety seat while Daniel gathered up the bags. Annie was still continuing her observations and running commentary. "This isn't our old house from other Earth. I like the bushes. That's a little gate. Other house just had a big gate behind it. Unc'l Jack says I need a dog for back there, but Mommy likes cats better." She suddenly paused, realizing what she'd just said. Sam had just gotten the door open and led Annie inside, but was quick to notice that Annie seemed upset. "Unc'l Jack doesn't say that now. We don't have that house now. Mommy's gone away." She was muttering to herself, barely above a whisper, but Sam heard her and worried that this trauma would be too much for Annie's young mind to handle.
"Sweetie, I'm right here," Sam knelt down, turning Annie's face to make eye contact, offering a gentle smile in the hopes that Annie would be able to focus on the here and now, and not on the fact that this virtual stranger happened to look like her dead mother. "It's okay, Annie. You're safe. Mommy and Daddy are here with you. See, there's Daddy!" She sent Daniel an urgent glance and one of their familiar silent messages, and was not disappointed in his reaction.
Daniel had just stepped through the doorway and quickly put down the various bags of Annie's things. He'd been pondering how much they had just bought and how much more she would need soon, but those thoughts flew right out of his head when he realized Annie was distressed. He quickly joined Sam on the floor, pushing the door shut behind him, and reached out to Annie to confirm what Sam was saying. "Hey Annie, sweetheart, I'm here. And Mommy and I can spend the whole weekend with you, remember? Mr. General said we don't have to work until Monday, and then you'll go to Ms. Linda's class while we're at work, just like you used to." Annie's watery eyes tugged at his heart, but he was pleased to see her focus her gaze, first on Sam, then him. She blinked a few times and sniffed once. A tiny smile showed on her lips and he knew she'd be all right, at least for now.
"First Mommy liked cats. First Daddy did too, 'cept when they messed up his owwer-geez. Do you like cats?" She looked back and forth between the two, waiting to find out if this would be a similarity to her old home, or another thing that was different.
Daniel nodded. "I do like cats, and my allergy medicine is pretty good, so I don't have too many problems with them. I know your Mommy used to have a cat named Schrödinger, but he went to live with an old friend of hers."
Annie nodded slightly and looked at Sam expectantly. "I love cats, Annie. I always have. Maybe after things settle down a little we can get a cat. Would you like that?"
Annie smiled a little and nodded more obviously. "Can I pick it out?"
"Of course," Sam smiled and pulled Annie into a hug. She glanced sideways and caught Daniel's gaze. Their unspoken thoughts were clearly the same. They'd do just about anything to make Annie happy.
"Now," Daniel said as he grabbed some of the bags again, "let's start putting things away. Sam, it's the first room on the right?"
Sam nodded as she let Annie go and picked up a couple more bags. "We can change some of the stuff in there if you want. It's just kind of plain, for when I had company that wanted to spend the night. What's your favorite color? We could get you a new quilt for the bed, something you like."
"I like all the colors. Can we get a…" she interrupted herself with a yawn, "a rainbow one?"
"We can look for one. Are you tired? Do you want to take a nap?" So far she hadn't been taking naps on base, but Sam thought it could have been all the excitement. She was fairly sure kids still took naps into Kindergarten, and Ms. Linda had mentioned that Annie would need a mat for naptime there, something they hadn't gotten yet, but then she was sure there'd be more shopping this weekend. Sam shook her head, wondering how long it would take to really feel like she had a clue what she was doing.
Annie nodded and climbed onto the bed while Daniel was sorting her clothes on top of the dresser. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and helped Annie get her shoes off. "Do you want anything? A drink of water? Do you need to use the bathroom?"
"Do you have a teddy bear that can sleep with me?"
"I do! I have the teddy bear that slept with me when I was a little girl. I'll be right back." She kissed Annie on the forehead before going to her room to get the bear that always sat on her bookshelf next to some of her favorite children's books. She'd always imagined that someday those books and that bear would go to her own child, and now they finally would. She felt herself tearing up a little but sniffed and wiped her eyes before grabbing the bear and a couple books to take back to Annie.
"Mr. Buttons!" Annie bounced on the bed when she saw the bear, momentarily throwing Sam for a loop. It was both surprising and comforting that Annie recognized the beloved Mr. Buttons, and Sam found herself blinking back tears again and idly wondering when she'd turned into such an emotional wreck. She'd always imagined her childhood bear would be treasured by her own children, and had hoped, as she took him off the bookshelf, that Annie would like him, but to find that Annie already loved this bear really struck her. It drove home the fact that Annie really was her child, while also reminding her of all the things she'd already missed in Annie's life.
Sam took a deep breath, pushing the bittersweet thoughts aside, and smiled as she sat on the bed with Annie, straightening the bear's red bow tie before offering him to her daughter. Annie pulled him into a hug immediately and blinked her big eyes at Sam's gentle laugh. "I'm glad you know him, Annie. He's been waiting for you."
A few minutes later, Sam had given Annie a hug and a kiss and left Daniel reading her The Foot Book by Dr. Suess while playing with Annie's feet. She stood in the living room looking around at her things, wondering if any of them were inappropriate to have out around Annie. She was clearly past the toddler stage where she'd grab everything in her reach, but Sam thought it might still be a good idea to move any breakables and lock the cabinets with poisonous cleaners and such. She glanced at the clock and was surprised to see it wasn't even four yet, but at least that meant Annie could get a short nap before dinner and it wouldn't be as likely to keep her up super late. Still, at quarter to four, could she justify a glass of wine? Yeah, after the past few days, she thought it would be acceptable. Sam wondered if Daniel would want some, but decided not to pour it just in case. She left an empty wine glass on the counter next to the bottle and took her own glass to the living room where she leaned back on the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. One sip of wine, a deep breath, and she closed her eyes, trying to clear her head a little.
"Did you want a naptime story, too?" Daniel was standing there smiling at her when she opened her eyes.
"You know, it does have a certain appeal to it," she smiled back at him and gestured toward the kitchen with her glass. "There's another glass out in case you want some."
"I think I will, thanks." She watched him go to the kitchen, wondering if he was feeling as confused and overwhelmed by all this as she was. There were so many different emotions coming out of all this, and she couldn't seem to work out which ones were most prominent. Daniel had never seemed to have as much trouble with his emotions and she thought he probably had more experience adapting to big changes. Hell, he'd married and made a home off world, after his first time through the gate!
Sam was sitting up looking a little overwhelmed when Daniel came back into the room. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I mean, isn't it? I don't know, is it? I don't think it is. I mean, of course it is, right? It's okay. It's all okay, right?" Daniel had never seen Sam like this. She was acting so nervous; even more than when she was worried about Cassie. He set his glass down and joined her on the couch, facing her and putting one hand on her shoulder.
"It's all okay. Annie's fine, and we can handle this. You're not in it alone."
"We really did it. We have a child. Our… our daughter.." Sam's eyes teared up as she looked at Daniel. "She's ours now."
"Yes, she's ours." He hugged Sam tightly, trying to offer comfort for her nerves and all the while thinking about how backwards this all was. He'd always imagined if he were ever going to have children it would be with his wife, and would involve a pregnancy and some planning. Here he was, less than a week after meeting Annie on what should have been a normal day at work, and he was just months away from planning a fourth birthday party and thinking of buying a house with Sam. It was an amazing and incredible blessing, but still a lot to take in.
Daniel released her, but still kept one arm around her. He picked up his glass and they both took a couple sips and sat there in silence for a few minutes. After a little thought, Daniel raised his glass to toast "To our new family." He watched Sam carefully, hoping she had calmed down enough to be excited about this like she was earlier. He was rewarded with her great smile that lit up her eyes as she clinked her glass against his and nodded her head in agreement.
"To… The Monkey King, for whatever he had to do with this." They clinked their glasses again before she continued, "Have you figured out yet how he's connected?"
"You mean since this morning when I told everyone in the briefing that I didn't know yet?"
"Yes, since then, have you figured it out?" She tried to hold an innocent expression, but he saw a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "You know, in between lunch and shopping and story time? Surely you've got it all worked out?"
"Oh, yeah, I actually knew before we gated home, but I didn't want people to think I was too perfect, you know." They both laughed at that, and Sam had to take a deep breath just to steady herself enough to set her wine glass down safely. She leaned toward Daniel and laughed into his shoulder and he just laughed into her hair and tightened his grip around her.
Sam and Daniel both felt a bit more relaxed after having a good laugh, and sat there sipping their wine and chatting until Annie came in about 40 minutes later. Sam saw her first and smiled at the site of the messy hair and sleepy eyes. Annie was hugging the teddy bear she'd slept with and when Daniel turned to look he felt a wave of emotion come over him. It was becoming a regular thing, but he still wasn't used to it. He'd always thought the overwhelming love people talked about when they had babies was partly a result of knowing ahead of time and waiting and expecting the child, but with Annie it had been so fast and it hit so hard sometimes it nearly took his breath away.
He reached out to Annie, hoping she wasn't feeling disoriented after her nap. "Did you have a good nap sweetheart?"
Annie nodded and climbed up in Daniel's lap, leaning against his chest. The sleep-warmth of her body seemed to seep straight through to his heart, entangling with the emotions he was still trying to sort out. Daniel felt his eyes begin to sting and water up and just closed them while he hugged Annie tightly. He started slightly when he felt Sam's hand on his shoulder, but one glance at her told him she knew exactly how he was feeling. They shared a smile over Annie's head, and he reached up to smooth her messy hair.
The new family spent the rest of the evening playing go fish, watching the Disney channel, and ordering pizza for dinner. It was a relaxing time, especially after the week they'd all had, and Sam couldn't help but feel a sense of wonder at how familiar it seemed. It was only after Annie's bath and bedtime story, when she and Daniel were alone again, that she was struck by the one thing that made them completely unlike a real family. They weren't a couple. They never had been.
Sam was grateful that Daniel wanted to do some research after Annie went to sleep because she needed to think things through a little. She couldn't stop wondering if she was missing something. If there was something important that had brought the other Sam and Daniel together, and why it hadn't happened here. Why, in so many other realities, had her alternate selves ended up with other people, and why was this the first one they'd encountered that was with Daniel? He was her best friend, and she couldn't imagine life without him, but she'd never really imagined being with him. The passing thought (especially when he reappeared in the General's office and came out wearing a flag) sure, but nothing she would actually entertain. It just hadn't occurred to her.
Maybe that was the difference. Maybe somehow, something had occurred to this other Sam? Maybe they met under different circumstances? If Daniel hadn't been happily married when they'd met, and then searching for his lost wife and eventually grieving her death while becoming Sam's dear friend, would they have ended up together? Would that chemistry have sparked differently and bound them in romantic love instead of the deep friendship they had now? She spent some time writing about this in her rarely-used journal, and then put it away to focus on the things that really mattered in this reality, like finding them a new home.
She started an internet search for homes in Colorado Springs, initially near the mountain, but quickly realizing that wasn't the top priority for this search. She had to consider school zones. Sure, Annie wouldn't be starting school for a couple years, but they would want to stay in one place, give her stability, so they should consider the schools near their new home. Unless they wanted to send her to private school. She realized she'd never paid a lot of attention to the schools in her area, and opened a new browser tab to research the school system and find out how it ranked in the state and in the country. The zones themselves were a little confusing at first, and then she started considering other things in each part of the city – where were the best parks and playgrounds? Which areas would be safest for Annie to play outside? Where could they have a good yard for her to play in and maybe have a swing set? What else would she need access to? There were so many questions, so many things she knew nothing about, that she found herself getting quite frustrated. After a couple hours of this she loudly snapped the laptop closed and pushed it aside on the couch, sighing and trying to relax her suddenly very tense shoulders.
"Need another glass of wine?"
Daniel was standing over her, holding the bottle toward her earlier emptied glass.
"Sounds lovely." She smiled at him, amazed at how he always knew just what she needed. He poured the wine and sat down with her, reaching one hand out to rub the base of her neck, working out the knots that had been building.
"So, what's got you so frustrated?"
"There's so much to do, and I feel like I can't do any of it yet because I don't know how. Most parents would have time to figure out the best place to live, what schools are good, all those things that are important for children, but we need to have this done really soon and we have no experience with it and no time to learn it."
Daniel just nodded, listening.
"I was going to start looking at ideas for a new house. I…" she suddenly looked nervous and backtracked a little. "I didn't mean to take control or leave you out or anything, I was just getting ideas. I didn't want to interrupt your research so I thought we could talk about what we both wanted later, but I didn't even know what I wanted, so I started looking to figure it out. I'm sorry. I didn't…"
"Hey, it's okay. I know. It's not a problem." He scooted closer to her, arm wrapped around her shoulders in comfort. "Go on.
"I just, I was looking at house listings, and then I saw that they all include the school zone in the information, and I realized I don't know anything about the schools around here. And if they aren't really good, would we want to send her to private school instead? And I don't know what else we need to consider when we're looking for a place. Obviously a safe neighborhood, and enough space for everyone, but what else is important in the life of a child? And not only a three-year-old, but a seven-year-old or a thirteen-year-old? If we want to give her stability, we have to think about those things, too, and how our new place will be good or bad for her as she gets older. It just seemed like so much to figure out – and that's not even considering the realization that we're going to be living together ten or fifteen years from now. What about what we need, too? How do we even figure that out? And where does it fall on the priority list?"
"Wow. You really get a lot going on in there once it starts up, don't you?"
She smiled. "Yeah, I guess I do. Haven't you thought about this at all? I mean, have any of these things occurred to you, or are you just so utterly cool and zen about it that it doesn't worry you?" Sam glanced at him sideways, still grinning, but wondering why she couldn't be so relaxed about things.
"I have thought about some of those things, and I'm sure I'll be thinking about the rest now you've brought them up. Honestly, though, most of my non-research thoughts have been worries about letting her down. I worry that I'm being selfish in wanting to keep her here with us instead of doing everything in our power to find a way to send her home. I worry that she'll somehow resent us or not be comfortable with us because we're not the parents she was born to. I worry that she'll be traumatized by all of this because it's really not the kind of thing a kid is built to handle." Sam could hear the worry coming out in his voice more and more as he spoke, and she wanted nothing more than to ease his concerns even while she was feeling the same thing. "I worry," he continued "that we'll have trouble adjusting because of how she came into our lives, or that …" his voice caught, and she looked up quickly, turning on the couch to face him more directly, "that you'll resent the situation because it's not the ideal family. That we'll have distance between us because of trying to co-parent and still carry on with other relationships in our lives."
"Daniel?" She held his hand and watched him, waiting for him to look up and make eye contact. He took a deep breath and offered a shaky smile as he finally looked at her, his eyes shining slightly, betraying just how emotional he felt. "I won't. I couldn't resent this situation. I couldn't possibly resent you or Annie. You two are my family. It may not be someone else's ideal family, but it's my family. You are my best friend in the world, Daniel, and I've lost you before, so I really learned to appreciate what a blessing it is to have you in my life. You've been my family for ages, and you always will be. Annie, well, she's a gift. I'd thought I missed my chance to be a mother. Oh, sure, I'm a little sad that I didn't get to carry her myself, or see all her first steps and words and stuff. I ache for what she's lost in her young life already. I just want to be the absolute best mother I can for her now. I want to make sure that the rest of her life makes up for the losses and confusion and transitions she's had to deal with in the past several months."
"Me too. I think I'm worried about my role, though, because I don't have much to model my parenting on. Foster care doesn't cut it, and I didn't have a lot of time with my own parents. What if I screw it up?"
"You are too compassionate and loving and brilliant to screw it up. You have some memories of your parents, and you know what is important. You're a good father, Daniel. You've been a good father to her since the moment we met her."
"And what if I screw us up?" His eyes were watering again, and the depth of emotion behind that question took Sam's breath away. It almost sounded like… like he wanted them… but they'd never had that kind of relationship. She forced a slow, deep breath before she asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Sam, it's not every day that platonic best friends suddenly find themselves parents of a child created by a happy marriage between their alternate universe counter-parts." He barely finished the sentence before they both burst out laughing at the sheer absurdity of it.
As they sat there catching their breath, Sam thought about what he'd said. He was right. For all that it seemed like something straight out of a fantasy novel, it was their life. "What, exactly, are you worried about Daniel?"
He sat up, making her realize how much she'd enjoyed having his arm around her, and pinched the bridge of his nose, a gesture she had seen so many times, one that usually indicated his stress levels were rising. The laughter had done them both good, she knew that, but there was no lingering mirth in his expression now. This was serious, and very important to him. "I'm worried about losing you." It was simple and to the point, and it took her breath away, though she couldn't fathom why.
Sam inhaled sharply and raised her chin up just a little. She couldn't quite meet his eyes for a second, feeling the sudden need to re-orient herself in the world. When she opened her mouth, though, the words came out faster than she could think about them. It was pure instinct. "Daniel, only you would worry that you would lose me after we decided to commit to raising a child together. Annie has changed a lot for us, sure, but she can't change the fact that you're my best friend in the world. We're going to be closer than ever now, and you'll soon wish you could just go home for an evening away from me, but once we get a new place, that won't even be an option." She smiled at him as she finally met his eyes again, trying to ignore the confusing pounding of her heart. Her emotions had been on a roller coaster all week, and it was only natural to be confused by things. This would pass, and they'd settle into a new life with Annie.
"I doubt that. I've never tired of spending time with you before, why should it be any different now?" He was smiling again, and looking a little more relaxed, but still very serious. "Are you sure, though? Will you promise to talk to me if things get uncomfortable, or if you need more space or you get sick of having me around all the time, or, well, just anything? I don't want our friendship to suffer because of this sudden family we've been dropped into."
"I promise." Sam set her wine glass on the table and reached out to Daniel, pulling him into a tight hug. "I promise," she whispered in his ear, and held him tighter when she felt a slight shiver run through him.
Later that night, Daniel lay on the couch thinking about their conversation and the look in Sam's eyes when he admitted his fears. He couldn't explain it to her, though. It was more than concern for their friendship. He knew they had a strong friendship that could stand the tests of time and addiction and insanity and other relationships and even death. But this was different. This wasn't something trying to pull them apart like those other things had been. Annie was literally pulling them together, and he had a sinking feeling that if they weren't careful, and if they weren't fully aware, they'd be pulled together too quickly, with too much force, and it would destroy them. He couldn't really put words to it yet, and with his flair for language, that was an exercise in frustration all on its own. He just knew there was something happening, shifting in their friendship. The shift from friends to parents, of course, and from co-workers to cohabiters, and those would definitely take some time for them to both adjust, but there was so much unknown here, so much in the top secret way this came to be, in the "this has never happened to anyone else before" kind of situations they often found themselves in… that led to deeper levels of closeness, and he couldn't shake the feeling that this level would be different. He just didn't know how.
He sighed and picked up his journal, hoping that he could direct some of his thoughts and eventually get some sleep.
I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong here, if I've overstepped the natural order of things in deciding that Annie should stay with us, but I can't quite bring myself to care, either. She's precious, and she's a beautiful gift, even if she's not really mine. Oh, sure, she's mine. Mine and Sam's, but a different me and Sam. And that just brings up a whole new host of questions, doesn't it?
Me and Sam. Yeah, there was a time that I thought I might have feelings developing for her. There have certainly been times that I was attracted to her. But overall, there's never been a time that I truly entertained these ideas. We're the best of friends. We work together. She's often had a thing for Jack, or been with Pete, (or Joe, Narim, Martouf, I could go on), and I pined for Sha're for so long, even more after she was actually dead than while she was host to Amonet.
I just don't know what to think about the fact that we actually got together in another reality. Does it mean we should try it here? Now? Should we consider the pros and cons of things, or should we just leave things as they are and forget that another version of us were together, like she and Jack did after the run-ins with other realities?
When all of our other selves showed up during that ripple effect caused by the team in black, I talked to a number of them. I don't remember any of them mentioning me and Sam as a couple. Jack and I were in one world, which took me a bit by surprise. Sam and Jack were together in a number of realities, and even Sam and Janet in one (though she didn't admit it until right before she went back through the gate because of those stupid Don't Ask Don't Tell laws). Then there was the one team that said Sam was on maternity leave and they didn't mention who the father was. I wondered about that, and even felt just a little jealous at that statement...
Hey, come to think of it, that would have been about the right timing for Annie's birth. I suppose it's possible that Annie is the child of that Sam, and I know that Daniel didn't mention any other relationship, so it's possible they were together and having or just had Annie.
In the overall scheme of things, it really doesn't matter that much, or at least it shouldn't. I have Annie here now, and I have the incredible friendship of the Sam I've known for so many years. Annie is a precious (if somewhat precocious) child. I have to admit that I was hoping from very early on that we wouldn't find a way to send her home, because honestly, if she's lost us in her world, what is there for us to send her back to? Yes, she has her "Aunt Janet" over there, but she doesn't have Mommy and Daddy.
On the other hand, we aren't REALLY Mommy and Daddy, are we? We didn't live through the pregnancy, or witness her first steps or hear her first words. We didn't teach her to read those first few letters and simple words, or how to dress herself, or any of those things that are so important in the early years. We didn't plan her and we aren't actually together like the parents she remembers. We AREN'T the parents she remembers, and that's really what it all boils down to.
But still, the idea of letting her go, it's not something I feel very comfortable with. It's not something I want to even consider, really, because she's my daughter. She is, in so many ways, a part of me and a part of Sam and I have felt some inexplicable connection to her since the moment she knocked me over in that building.
Daniel awoke the next morning to the whispers of Annie and Sam. He lay still, listening, enjoying the simple domesticity of it.
"What would you like for breakfast sweetie? We have cereal or waffles, or I can cook you some eggs if you want."
"I like waffles. Do we have syrup for them?"
"Yes, we do. Why don't you sit down and I'll go get you some juice while the waffles heat up, okay?"
"Okay. When will Daddy wake up?"
"Probably soon."
"When you make the coffee?"
Sam's laugh floated over him like a familiar blanket and he couldn't help but smile a little. "Yes, probably when I make the coffee."
"Will Daddy always sleep on the couch now?" And there it was, the first reminder of the day that this was not a 'normal' family.
Daniel stretched and sat up on the couch. "No, I'm only sleeping on the couch for right now. Soon we'll all pick out a new place together and we'll have lots more space."
"Daddy! You're awake!" She grinned and bounced across the room to jump in his lap. "Mommy's gonna make the coffee and I get waffles for breakfast!"
"Waffles are excellent for breakfast! Good choice." He smiled at her and placed a kiss on the top of her head. "Did you sleep well?"
Annie nodded as she climbed down and tried to pull Daniel toward the kitchen.
"Wait just a minute, Annie. Let me go use the bathroom, and I'll meet you back in there for breakfast, okay?"
"Okay Daddy!" She ran off into the kitchen and began talking nonstop to Sam while Daniel moved down the hall.
He could hear Annie's continued faint chattering even from the bathroom, and as he washed his hands and face, he looked at himself in the mirror and wondered what they should do today, and possibly more important, what questions Annie would have for them today.