AN: I want to first thank those who gave me their hugs and condolences, they are greatly appreciated. They warmed my heart, truly. Second, I know that the last chapter was emotional, this one will be too. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

Beta'd by and a big thanks to Kamerer220, who actually helped me with some aspects of this chapter.

Chapter 6 – It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

-o-

"We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination."
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

-o-

The next few hours had passed as both a blur and agonizingly slow. The remaining members of the Hamato clan had kept themselves holed up in Master Splinter's room, sharing their mutual grief, or at least trying to.

Michelangelo had wept openly and constantly in those few hours. Sometimes it was silent and only the shaking of his shoulders let his family know he was still crying. Every now and then, the sobs started to become vocalized again and his braying cries would bounce off the walls. Leonardo could only hold his brother in despair, no amount of comforting words or pets could calm the maelstrom currently residing in his baby brother.

When this happened, Leo had always expected a harsh retort from Raphael aimed to shut his only remaining younger brother up, but Raph kept his stony silence. Every now and then, Leo thought he could catch a tear escaping from his sometimes clenched shut eyes, but he always turned his head before he could catch him wiping them away. His anger seemed to abate slowly with every passing minute leaving something worse in its stead: helplessness.

The most agonizing, Leo thought, was their father. He stayed in his lotus position, his hands laid in his lap with his Don's masked clenched painfully in his fist. He seemed to retreat into himself, and by the time they were well into their early mourning period, his father's eyes appeared vacant. Leo knew losing a brother was hard enough, like he had lost a part of himself, but he thought it must have been worse to lose a child. He couldn't imagine being in Splinter's shoes at that moment, to feel what it's like to know that that little person he raised from infancy, who he had trained, and taught, and held in his own very arms was no longer there. They all knew it hadn't mattered that Don was not his actual flesh and blood, that he hadn't actually sired the bright boy with so much potential, his loss was still a stab to the heart and there was no way to heal that wound.

The leaf green turtle felt himself bouncing back and forth between two emotions, unbearable sorrow and tarnished rage. He would at times feel the tears coming and allowed them to escape, to mourn that wonderful brother who had his back in more ways than one. He knew it wouldn't be his smarts that Leo would miss the most, though everyone knew that they would have been lost or defeated in so many ways had it not been for their genius brother and his quick thinking, his big brain, and his self-created gadgets. Not just in battle, either, but in life in general. While they had done most of the legwork getting this new lair up and running while he was on sabbatical, it had been all Don's brain power and his input that really did it. They had just been the worker bees to his queen. He had been his confidant, one of the few beings he felt he trust to let his guard down and confide in about his responsibilities and fears of leadership. Donatello had a way of just soothing him just by his mere presence, just like Mikey had a way of uplifting him, and Raph made him feel protected. It would be his gentle soul he would miss the most, and he knew that was true with each and every member of the family.

He would cry for that precious life that had been snuffed out, and then the rage would come in, mocking him. It would tell him he had no right to mourn when it had been his actions that led them to this black hole. That had he been more careful, or hadn't been so stupid to follow Karai's wishes in the first place, if he had done what Raph had said, none of this would have happened. He didn't have the right to relieve his grief so openly, to allow Mikey to nuzzle against him when he felt tears fall upon his head in a moment of compassion. He didn't deserve those quick glances Raph would send him, so different from their earlier resentment. Looks that spoke of understanding and mutual anguish, and quite possibly of envy to have been able to be so open about his emotions where Raphael couldn't, or wouldn't, allow his to show.

It felt like an endless loop, he would feel himself almost dissolve into the tears, only to become angry at them before starting the cycle over and over again. Right now he was just a ball of misery and self-hate. Each time blurred into the next, making him lose track of time and thought. It felt like a lifetime of despair in those few hours, an endless torture that only the four of them could feel, unseeing, unending. Until April called and sent their emotions in overdrive again.

In the back of his mind, he knew that they would have to tell their human friends, and Leatherhead, eventually. First, he had wanted a moment to grieve with his family, with only his family, with the only people who knew Donnie from the very beginning and had felt the same soul splitting emptiness they each felt. It was a private moment that he knew no one would begrudge. He thought it would be them to initiate the contact with the outside world, and their friends were living in blissful ignorance while their world tore apart, but he had underestimated Don's ability to create contingency plans. Of course, he would have picked April, strong, dependable April, who looked after them no matter what, to bring them the last bit of the puzzle, the last words Don may have spoken. Leo knew that his brother's choice in picking April had not been a slight to him or his family, nor was it a show of favoritism to the woman who had captured his brother's heart, however miniscule it was. He had needed someone he trusted indefinitely, someone he knew his family would listen to, someone who had enough experience to understand the horrible grief she was bestowing upon them.

When they had answered Raphael's ringing phone, there had been a moment of hope when she had said she had heard from Donnie. Mike had perked up at the news, but it lasted only seconds when she relayed the message their brother had left her. Its contents had only confirmed what they had speculated and their baby brother had dissolved back into tears. Only this time he fled from the comfort of his family's arms to hide away in his own room. Raph had left shortly after the phone call ended, having thrown the device at Splinter's wall and Leo had watched it shatter in a thousand pieces. He didn't have it in him to tell his brother that those electronics were now irreplaceable. Its maker was now buried under the wreckage of what was Foot tower, along with Karai and most, if not all, of her followers.

He barely blinked at the thought of Karai being dead. She had been someone he had put hopes into, had been intimate in the spiritual sense, even if it hadn't been physical, and somebody he had trusted once. Her death should have affected him somehow, but now his grief was purely for his brother and she had been put in the back burner, something to think about when the dust settled, and the pain of losing a brother lessened enough for other thoughts to start flooding in their place. If he had thought of her at all.

He himself had left his father to mourn in private and waited for April and Casey's arrival in the main area, for he had wanted to hear the message Don had left her. April had been reluctant to give it to him, stating that he was in a state of shock and the emotions were too raw for him to do anything but grieve, but he had insisted. He had allowed her prolonged hug, accepted the tears she shed in his arms, and let her speak the kind words he felt he hadn't deserved. Then he took her shellcell and locked himself away in his brother's lab.

That was where he was at that very moment, sitting in front of Donnie's many monitors with a shellcell in his hand, and listened to the message Donnie had spoken to their friend for possibly the eighth time.

"April? It's Donnie…if you are getting this message, it means that I am…I have died, that I hadn't gotten out in time. I wanted to let you know, it was me who set up the explosives in the Saki tower, but I was not supposed to go with it. I have prerecorded this message to have it sent to you in case I failed to return. I'm so sorry that I didn't return.

I am also sorry for the burden I must ask of you. Please tell my family what happened. Please tell them I tried so very hard to return to them, that I tried very hard not to…disappear. They may very well learn of my death through Leo, but I am hoping you will help fill in any holes I have left behind. There is a file on my desktop, the one in my lab. It's named 'Aspidochelone' and the password to it 'gomen'nasai.'

You have been a great friend to me, April, to us. And I cherished every moment we had together. I hope that you can forgive any transgressions I had against you, and that you forgive me for this pain I have put you through. Trust me when I say I did not want it to end like this. I hope that you have a fantastic life, and that Casey treats you like the woman you are.

I wish all the happiness to you.

Goodbye, my friend."

Leo had cried the first time he heard it. These were the last words his brother had spoken to a friendly ear before walking into the hornets' nest. His brother had tried so hard to sound brave and in control of his emotions, but he had heard the fear and the pain echoing in the tenor's voice. He had claimed his desire to live so openly and not with just the words but the inflictions. It both broke Leo's heart further and made him very proud to know that Don had walked into that building not as he would have done, accepting of his fate, but with all the piss and vinegar of someone who wanted to come back alive, who wasn't going to readily accept defeat. It both gave him heart and made him feel ashamed. Don had walked in with his head high, a selfless brother fighting for his family and for himself.

Leo had been a selfish coward.

When he planned this out, he wasn't foolish enough to think he wasn't going to cause his family some amount of pain. He knew there would be tears, and screaming, and things being broken beyond repair. He knew that they would not come away unscathed, but he took solace in knowing he wouldn't be there to witness their descent into sorrow, that he would be spared of the pain he had caused them.

In all his planning he never envisioned that he would be left with the mourners, that it would be his heart ripped into two at a brother's betrayal and sacrifice. It was only witnessing the broken-hearted sobbing of Michelangelo, the helpless silence of Raphael, the despair in his human friends, and the absence of complete awareness in Splinter's eyes that caused him to finally understand how completely selfish, and foolish, his plan was.

It was pathetic how he could ever think that those treasured moments that were spent in the past week could suffice as an adequate goodbye. Because while Don had not taken the time to give them individual goodbyes as he had, Leo knew that even if that had occurred, that if it had been Don who sought each of his family members to give them a final positive memory, Leo would have felt it was not enough. That seventeen years of positive and personal memories were not enough of his beautifully tender brother, whose genius and sassy mind deserved more years than he was given. Leo wanted an infinity of years with Don, with all of his brothers and his father, and to cut it short was a crime against nature.

He had known his plan had been foolish almost from the get-go, but he had still went with it. He had stupidly, blindly, allowed Karai to manipulate him until he thought that the only way to protect his family had been to sacrifice himself and then he'd be absolved of all his sins. Listening to the recording over and over again had only brought to light just how right Donnie had been, and how very wrong he was. He could play those words of his brother over and over again, it wouldn't be enough.

It would never be enough.

He only allowed himself to listen to it two more times before he placed it down and moved the mouse that was in front of him. With a little flick, the flying stars that had been moving across the screens to disappear and the desktop came into view.

Don hadn't been the most…organized turtle in the universe when it came to his belongings. He just had so much to do and so little time to do it, he didn't always put things in an orderly fashion. He had an eidetic memory, though, and always knew where he placed things down. He had his own personal organization, which was chaotic but worked for someone with a brilliant mind as his. His desktop showed that, with folders and programs icons splattered across the many, many screens in a way that was sure only to make sense in his brother's mind. So it had taken a cool minute for Leo to locate the proper file name his brother had indicated. As he searched, he pondered the meaning after the name 'Aspidochelone' and how appropriate it was in this situation. In some cultures, an Aspidochelone was in reference to the World Turtle, a giant turtle that bore the world on its back. When Don had told him about it, he had stated that he thought it had pertain perfectly to Leo, who, like Atlas, held their troubles on his shoulders and refused to let them fall anywhere else. The eldest had smiled at the beautiful allegory his brother had painted, but secretly thought that the myth concerned Don more than him. He was just the leader of their group, Don had the rest of their troubles to hold up, their home, their health and wellbeing, and their sanity. They would never have had the safety and security they currently possess had it not been their brother, who figured out their financial situation, their transportation woes, and almost everything else that came their way. Donnie was the World Turtle, who kept their family buoyant in this turbulent sea called life. It would be very difficult, if not impossible, for them to stay afloat now without him.

There was another deviated version that Leo had remembered that had felt like a kick in the gut. Europeans had reduced the myth to just an island turtle, who would bait sailors into thinking it's lush and rocky back was land and once those weary sailors tie their boats and climb onto the back of the turtle, it would sink down into the depths and kill the inhabitants of the turtle island. That is exactly what Donnie had done. He had tricked his opponents into thinking he was someone he was not and he then had sunk down and destroyed them all after the bait had already been taken. Only the turtle in the myth wasn't supposed to succumb to the same trap as his victims.

A few more tears escaped from his eyes and he didn't try to wipe them away. He had finally found the file he was looking for, in the right corner of the second largest screen. He took a shaky breath and clicked on the file.

It prompted him to put in a password and he typed 'gomen'nasai' with ease. It was 'I'm Sorry' in Japanese, and it caused a knot to form in the pit of Leo's stomach. He hadn't a clue as to why his brother would have used those words as a password.

Until the file opened up.

He had only a moment to glance at the hundreds, if not thousands of documents that resided in the file before the opening of it had triggered a video prompt that started playing immediately.

Leo sat back in disbelief as the video, which had started with a black screen before the camera was moved and a slightly blurry Donatello came into view. Leo was glad it had taken a moment for Don to apparently adjust the lens because Leo had been too stunned by the sudden appearance of his recently deceased brother to take in what he might have wanted to say. A soft curse suddenly came out of the speakers that made Leo jump before the image sharpened himself and Leo could see his brother clearly.

Tears formed in his eyes again as he drunk in the image of his brother, but he didn't allow them to fall this time. He wanted to be able to hear these words his brother had to tell him, his words of goodbye.

"Uh, hi, hello," the Donnie in the video spoke, his voice shy and it had been endearing enough to allow a smile to grace Leo's lips as he watched his brother fumble with the camera one more time before he settled back in a chair similar to the one Leo was sitting in. He watched as his brother took a collecting breath and the mood turned almost instantly with the seriousness that had settled in and removing the natural nerves of someone who has been raised to not draw attention to themselves.

"This video will not be a fun video. This is my 'goodbye' video, my swan song, if you will. If it is being played, it means that I'm…" Don looked hesitant before he squared his shoulders again and continued. "It means I'm no longer there. And if I am still there, and just in another room, you better stop this video, Michelangelo, or you are going to wish I was dead."

The chuckle came out unbridled and it took a second for him to collect himself and listen to what his brother was saying.

"-and stay out, you twerp!" Don's voice was aggressive as he finished his verbal rampage of their trickster of a brother. Soon the seriousness returned and Don settled down. "I first want to apologize. I assure you, whatever happened to me, it was not intentional and I never wanted it to happen. I would never abandon you guys, whether in death or any other means."

Leo furrowed his forehead. What did Donnie mean by 'any other means?' The question had to be placed into the back of his mind as his brother continued.

"I also wanted to let you guys know it was none of you guys' fault. So please don't blame yourselves, or allow your perceived faults drag you down into despair. You need each other now, more than ever, and don't ignore each other in your grief. Please!"

The way Donnie had begged that, it made him sound like he knew exactly what was going to happen, and Leo was floored at how perceptive his brother really was. They hadn't even been able to mourn the first few hours without there already being a verbal fight.

"You need to stick together, you need to stay a family. You need each other, and I know it will be hard," Don's voice broke a little there. "We are a collective, we are a group, it won't feel right without the missing piece, but you guys need to try to make yourselves whole again, to stay together and still be a family. I need you guys to do that for me, for this family." The pleading in his brother's voice tore at him, making his wounded heart bleed anew.

Don looked down on the screen, to something that was on the desk that wasn't in line with the camera but then quickly looked back up at the camera, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "There are so many things I want to say to you guys. Secrets, wishes, just stupid thoughts. So many things I wanted to do, with you and on my own that'll never happen. But we weren't born into this world, we were created, and thus have had to pay that price to never truly belong here."

The bitterness was palpable in his brother's voice, and Leo knew, out of all of them, that Donnie had borne the need for living in the shadow and never being accepted into normal society the hardest. He was a brilliant mind that had longed to do so much in the world, but would have never been allowed.

"I left individual videos, messages for each of you to peruse when you are ready. I know that they aren't enough, they aren't as good as the real thing, but I did the best I could with the resources I have."

Oh, Donnie-boy, Leo thought. He had so little resources but made silk out of a sow's ear regardless.

"The rest of information is things you'd might need to survive without me. Plans, blueprints, lists, etc. I know it might be difficult, but I know you aren't complete idiots," the chuckle was watery, "Even you, Mikey. I'm sure you could understand some of this stuff if you put some effort into it."

Don paused again, as if he was trying gather courage to continue.

"I just want you guys to know that I love you guys, more than you can possibly know. That had my love for you had been enough, I would still be there with you." The tears started to fall from Don's eyes and there was no way he could allow his brother to cry alone, even if it was just a video copy of him. "My life spent with you was a full one, regardless of the wishes and dreams still left unfinished. I wouldn't have traded it for anything, and I find myself blessed to have known you all, to have lived and fight beside you, and called you my brothers and my father." The tears turned into rivers on both sides of the screen and Don's final image was a blur. He could barely make out the brown eyes that were baring into his soul.

"'Do not stand at my grave and weep,'" Don whispered, "'I am not there; I do not sleep.'"

The video ended, but Leo couldn't look away. He had recognized that last quote from a poem that April had introduced to them. She had given him a poem on great classic and contemporary female poets and Leo had enjoyed it greatly. Don had always been available when he wanted to share this particular interest in literature, but he didn't remember giving him that book. He must have pursued that information on his own.

Just like the other information that he had acquired today, it seemed appropriate. They could find a piece of Don everywhere, his lab, the appliances in the kitchen, the vehicles they drove. If they were to go out on patrol, they would pass up spots that would give them memories of their brother, whether it was from a fight or dumpster diving. They probably wouldn't be able to look at a tree without remembering how Don had climbed one at Casey's farm and had gotten his shell stuck between two tight branches. Libraries would never be safe again because they'd always remember when they would sneak into one every now and then and allow Don to browse the shelves for new information and watch the look of pure bliss that would settle on his face. Every corner would have a story, every machine would have a memory, and they would be surrounded by their brother despite his absence.

Before he could think on it further, the video minimized itself and he finally found he had access to those thousands of files he had only a glimpse of before. The folder was massive, filled with so much information he felt like his head was about to spin. He was by no means a computer expert, in fact he had a slight fear of them for they never seemed to want to work for him like they did his brother, but he knew enough to know that these were not recent additions. Some of these files dated back for years, to when Don first started making computers and saving data. This must have been an accumulation of information throughout the years, all put together for their use incase anything had happened to Donatello, a failsafe way to get them information.

Leo wondered how long his brother had this back up. The video wasn't recent, that much he knew. There had been a fresh wound on his brother's collar bone that had since been turned into a light scar. If Leo's memory served him well, it had happened almost a year ago. Even if he hadn't noticed that minor detail, the background of the video had been from the last lair. Don's old lab, to be exact. His brother had a goodbye video at the ready in case anything had happened to him and that only made his sadness that much deeper.

He clicked through some of the files at random. It had everything. There were mock ups for battle plans, blueprints for both the new and old Battleshell, sewer maps of suggested other lairs, etc. There was even a detailed blueprint for bionic appendages, in case any of them had lost a limb. It included the medical means necessary to do an amputation and the material they needed to recreate these drawings.

It had journal entries, ground plans, and audio recordings. Years and years of research, all at their disposal.

Maybe Don's middle name was 'worry wart' after all?

Everything was catching his attention, and he had wanted to go through every little bit his brother had left for them, including that video Don had said he had recorded specifically for him, but he decided to try and start with the newest information first, to see exactly what his brother had done to prepare for his final battle.

When he found it, the information had been… overwhelming.

He had thought of everything.

Where he had gotten the explosives, where exactly he had to place them to minimize the damage to surrounding buildings, demolition style. He had disabled every single camera in the surrounding area for four hours, set them all to loops as not to draw any unwanted attention. He had evacuation plans in place on how to get people out of the building. Don had even had set it up so all the animals that had been used in the laboratories to be secretly moved to another facility days before the impending explosion. If Leo had read the memos correctly, Don had hacked into the Foot's bank accounts and used the money to pay off random scientists to squirrel away the poor test subjects out and that an anonymous call was set to be sent out on an untraceable server to report the illegal use of animals for biological weapons testing. Leo shouldn't have been surprised at the ingenuity and aforethought his brother had, but he still was. So Don hadn't just blown up a building full of innocents. He had tried to get the least deserving of death out, at least.

What had really drawn Leo's attention was the plans of a device that looked like a trigger. As he read through the plan, he felt his heart skip a beat, then start pounding even harder.

It was a trigger, all right. A special designed dead-man's switch.

But he had never heard of a delayed dead-man's switch before.

-o-

AN2: Wait…what?

Chapter title from the song by Faith Hill.